FINDINGME2012   139
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Hateing myself

Thursday, December 06, 2012

Today I put on my pants , one of the two that actually still fit me. They were so tight I could bearly stand it. Everytime I come home I take them off and wear my husbands pj bottems. Today I got on the scale. Which I havent done in awhile. I now weigh 248 pounds. I am suppose to be losing weight not gaining. How much more will it take .. another 10..20.30. when I am 300.00 pounds then is it going to finally sink in... or will I just completely give up. My hip is giving out on my several times a day. Its getting hard to tie my shoes without holding my breath. I look in the mirror and I dont even know who I am looking at anymore. I look 20 years older then I am , fat, bad skin, I dont even do my hair anymore. I feel like I have given up already. I feel bad for my husband.. his wife is getting bigger and bigger. I was 170 pounds when we got married. I want to change, I do.. but every day I just eat more and more crap. If I cant take responsibliy for myself then who will? I hate myself today. emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

AJAMARIE1 12/6/2012 11:13AM

  The only way to love yourself is to reinvent yourself. Start reinventing yourself today. Take small steps. Set weekly challenges for yourself. This week. No fast food. Next week, no soda. So on. You'll VERY QUICKLY love yourself if you can set small achievable goals. We're all here to help. You can do it!!!!

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ME230150 12/6/2012 10:27AM

    Don't give up! You can do it and don't hate yourself, it is hard. I lost 40 pounds this year and 20 of it was in the first 2 months, so I know I could have done better, but I don't hate myself. Yes I am disappointed in myself. Sit down and make a plan and stick to it. Buy yourself a new pair of pants, even 2 sizes smaller and hang them up so you can see them everyday when you are getting ready. Get up shower, brush your teeth, fix your hair and smile at yourself in the mirror. Don' t let it get the best of you, give it the best of you!

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Wednesday, November 28, 2012

I am starting to think I will never get back on track. Now I am not only sick with a nasty cold but my hip is suddenly giving out on me. I think it might be my syatic nerve.. Spelling?? I had the same pain when I was pregnant. .. lol maybe my body thinks I am pregnant again since I am nearly the weight I was back then.. Anyhow I get this pain shooting down my leg and it just gives out without warning. Sometimes I swear it feels like it is popping out of joint. Anyone ever had an issue with this? Maybe my muscles are just to weak. I wish I would start to feel better pretty soon.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TATTER3 11/28/2012 6:15AM

    Sounds like Sciatica for sure..Yep...had episode with it recently. I go to a chiropractor, take a pain pill and just keep moving. Keep Sparkin'!!

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YOBOELI 11/28/2012 12:17AM

    Hope you feel better soon don't give up you will find that one place you need to be and it will all just click Good Luck

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ATKERSAJ 11/28/2012 12:16AM

  sciatic-- feel better!

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Back on my feet

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Well I have learned now when walking in the dark to watch where you are walking.. I now have a flash light attached to my pants ..hehe.I am back to walking agian. My ankle is still sore at times but getting better. I sold my treadmill today. I dont know why I buy stuff for my house. I always find a reason not to use it. I have to say.. I really didnt have room for it in the house. I was always buried behind something.. toy boxes, etc... It was to the point where I wasent using it at all. So I sold it for a few hundred bucks. And I am now going to take that money and start a gym membership. Now this can go two ways.. I have done this in the past.. the first time I slacked off.. payed monthy and didnt hardly go. Second time I did really well. But didnt lose a lot of weight because I didnt change my eating habits. This time.. I now have to take my daughter to school every morning.. so I cant tell myself it is to cold and I dont want to leave the house.. I have to...So I am hoping that this will help me stay motivated. Plus it will give me a break from my little 3 year old monster during the day.. he gets to socialize with other kids his age at the gym daycare.. its a win win situation. Soooooo I am hoping beyond all hope that this will get my butt moving .. and shrinking.. heehehe.. Thanks for reading emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LEVELPATHS 11/20/2012 4:32PM

    Keep trying. Practice makes perfect. :-)

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TATTER3 11/18/2012 9:44AM

    Keep Sparkin'!!!

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KAYE454 11/18/2012 12:00AM

  Go for it

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SHEYLANGEL22 11/17/2012 11:59PM

    emoticon emoticon

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SPIRALDOWN 11/17/2012 11:58PM

    Keep pushing

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Cant believe I hurt my ankle now..

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Good Gravy it has been a tuff week. Very tuff. I decided that since I cant seem to commit myself to eating my way thin that I would start to exercise everyday. Then hopefully the healthy eating habits will follow. So I was doing great all week walking my dog. I was clocking in about 45 min walks. Which also are strength training for my arms since he is huge and like to pull me around when we walk. So here I am on friday night happily walking in the dark since it gets dark so early now that the time change has happened. Anyhow , happily walking when suddenly I stepped right on the edge of a pot hole. My ankle snapped to the side and I stood there forever trying not to scream. I didnt break it. Thank God. Not sure if I sprained it or not. I have been icing it and it seems to help. It actually felt a bit better today. Enough for me to go for a walk anyway. So today I am walking along trying my best with my ankle .. and it starts to rain half way threw my walk. I luckily had an umbrella, but that is beside the point.. I just want to lose weight.. I feel like I am walking up hill.. dragging my leg behind me all the way while eating a candy bar... emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TATTER3 11/12/2012 6:27AM

    Bless your heart! If it's not one's another!!!

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KACEYSW 11/11/2012 11:51PM

    Ankles are so crucial. I have weak ankles and totally understand. When my exercise program got going, I had 2 ankle injuries almost immediately. I spoke to my Dr. and them purchased 2, lace-up ankle braces that I now use any time I am going to exercise.

So sorry about your injury. Hope you feel better soon!

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Still dealing with my inner demons.

Thursday, November 08, 2012

Well the last two days I blew it again. I am convinced that I have a physical addiction to food. Or maybe a mental one at best. I blame my husband in part. I was doing so well yesterday till he annouced he wanted apple pie for dessert. Now I had asked him the day before not to bring a pie home. I knew I wasent strong enough to refuse it. However the next day he got one anyway. And not just one but two. He said they were buy one get one half off. I watched him pound down a whole pie by himself. Thinking to myself.. I hate this man.. he eats what he wants and dosent gain weight. So I am watching him eat this whole pie thinking that is so gross... only to have a nice piece of pie for myself. A small piece. That of course led to another bite on a fork when I walked through the kitchen. Then another. By morning I had downed the whole pie myself.. And if that wasent bad enough my kids wanted pancakes this morning for breakfest. I caved for one of those to. I fear I cant control my cravings .. I may have to move to an island all my myself. On a good note I went for a walk last night. It was cold, and dark, but I got my german shepard and took him for a half hour walk. That is the only postive note I can post today. I dont know if I hate myself for eating that whole pie , or if I hate my husband for bringing it home. emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LIVELONG58 11/8/2012 9:43AM

    I think you do have a physical addiction to do I.
I find tasting even the smallest piece a very slippery slope. I can eat a whole small sliver after another.
I find the best thing to do is to not even have that first taste. Willpower is a difficult thing to master.
Regarding your need to sit this man down and tell him how you feel and ask him nicely to have his treats while hes at work. Let him know how weak you feel and how his pie's ruined your plan.
As for the pancakes...I try looking at things and giving them different names (in my head)
Pancakes= refined bleached white flour mixed with water that will be smothered in high fructose corn syrup.
Maybe try making some pumpkin pancakes with applesauce on your kids will eat those up too! can use any kind of winter squash in place of the pumpkin and they will never know. Or buy the canned pumpkin (not the pumpkin pie mix, just raw pumpkin) Lots of recipes on the web.

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