Friday, September 19, 2014
I don't know what is going on with my body but it is getting a little annoying. Went to bed again at 10, slept until 1, turned the tv on and set the sleep timer so I would have some noise. Woke up again at 4, this time feeling wide awake, but I was able to fall back to sleep while watching Three's Company. I used to go to bed and sleep through the night, but this getting up a couple of times a night is rough stuff. One the bright side I didn't wake up this morning feeling tired.
Yesterday's run, it didn't go exactly as planned. I knew it was going to be a hard one. I just hadn't planned on it being as hard as it was. When I started out, my left hamstring felt tight. I figured no big deal it would loosen up, unfortunately, it didn't.
Once I added my speed intervals (5 mins suggested pace 10:20-10:35, my goal is closer to 11:00) and I usually had 2-3 hills during my speed intervals. My 2 min slow intervals I was supposed to run slowly but I was walking to allow myself to stretch out my hammys. By 2.5 miles, I had pulled my left hamstring. I should have stopped running then but I was only at my turn around point. I continued to walk during my slow intervals. I finished out my speed work and I had a mile slow run left before my workout was done. I thought I would walk it but it hurt worse walking then it did running. I decided to run very, very slowly. By mile 4, I had pulled my right hamstring too. Both running and walking were very painful, and by the time I got home, my hammys, quads and my shins all hurt.
When I got into the house I tried stretch, some forward folds, I am usually very flexible and able to rest my forehead against my shins, but I was only able to fold over to a flat back not even able to touch my toes and the pain was horrible. I know I am supposed to ice but I took 3 Motrin and soaked in the tub reading my book until the water got too cold. I was able to get eight chapters read.
After my bath, I felt a little better, I was able to bend over enough to touch my fingers to the ground with discomfort rather than pain. Throughout the rest of the day, I continued stretching trying to bend a little deeper each time and holding until I felt a little release in the muscles. This morning things have tightened back up.
One last recap, training splits...despite having tight hamstrings and plenty of hills to contend with during my speed work I think I did pretty well. The training plan is to get me to a sub 65 min 10K, my goal right now is a sub 68 min, which is almost 4 minutes faster than my fastest. This is why my goal pace is 11 min/mi rather than their 10:20-10:35 pace. My fast splits 10:26, 11:14, 10:45, 10:55.
Thursday, September 18, 2014
Yesterday morning, even after not sleeping very well, I forced myself to get up and moving when my BF left for work at 5:30. And boy was I tired, very tired. By 4 pm I had such a bad headache I knew going to Zumba was out of the question. I forced myself to head to bed at 10, I only slept a couple of hours before waking up, but I turned the TV for just a little background noise and set the sleep timer to turn it back off in 30 minutes. I was able to fall back to sleep pretty fast but tossed and turned most of the night. Our bed stinks! We did go to the furniture store to check on beds yesterday, so I am hoping a new bed is in my future soon.
Waking up this morning felt a little easier, I wasn't making coffee through squinted, watery eyes or yawning constantly. I actually feel a little refreshed. Which is good because I am going to need it shortly as I head out for my training run.
Todays training run is going to be a tough one, I am at the point in my 10K training where I am starting my speedwork. My first interval is a 1 mile slow run, which is my goal to keep between 12:00-12:30, the next 8 intervals are 5 minutes fast (the recommend 10:20-10:35 pace but we will see) with 2 minutes slow (slow enough to allow for full recovery) and the last interval is a 1 mile slow run. This plan is to prepare me to run a Sub 65 min 10K, I have ran a few 10Ks and finish between 71-75 minutes, I am not really set on finishing a sub 65, my goal has always been 68 minutes. And when I finish in 68 minutes, it will be a huge accomplishment.
Running around here is always a challenge anyways. There are not flat routes, it I am not running a larger hill, the terrain is always steadily increasing. BTW, hills does wonders for the booty. My but hasn't looked this great since, never :)
Here are a couple of screenshots from my running app of some of my elevation charts
I am thinking that I am going to have to do 5 miles today just in case I am able to run the suggested pace, if I have extra road by the end of my workout I will have a nice walk home to finish my water and catch my breath.
Before I forget, yesterday I posted on my FB page wondering if anyone could recommend a good pumpkin flavored coffee since I have given up flavored coffee creamer. A friend of mine had a great suggestion, add a big spoonful of pumpkin puree to my coffee, she says she adds it to her chai tea. While I was kind of skeptical I bought some canned pumpkin and gave it a try. OH MY GOSH!!! It was AWESOME!!! And with 1/2 cup having only 50 calories and 3 g of fiber it is a much better option that flavored coffee creamer. And what was left of the 1/2 cup I scooped out, I added it to my oatmeal this morning with a little nutmeg and cinnamon, it tasted like a pumpkin pie I love oatmeal, you can add some many wonderful things to it and make it taste like desert.
I hope everyone is enjoying their week. Have a wonderful day!!!
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
WARNING!!! EXTREMELY LONG BLOG TO FOLLOW
I have had to reevaluate a lot of things these past couple of weeks and one of them was reminding myself why I am still here.
Most of my life I have been a victim of one form of abuse or another and have been through years of therapy, But therapy can only do so much, you can only talk about what happened and how that makes you feel before you just say screw it. I have heard it was not your fault, you have to find it in yourself to let go and move on, more times than I can count. I spent most of my life angry, confused, betrayed and hurt, which really left no room for happiness. Not that I really thought I deserved it so I found myself in unhealthy relationships because I didn't think I deserved any better.
Let me fast forward to the day I decided I had two choices, and honestly the second choice really wasn't an option. I had got so bad with my mood swings that I would go to bed every night praying that I wouldn't wake up. I was so afraid of the tomorrow might hold, I never knew what to expect. Was I going to be angry and bit the head off everyone I can in contact, or would I be so depressed that I would cry until I was throwing up. I just knew that wasn't how I wanted to live. My two choices, pull myself together and really change my life or end my life. I really didn't want to die, I just wanted it to end. Ultimately I decided it was up to me to take control.
First thing I did, I threw away all my meds, they just weren't working for me and I was tired of feeling like a lab rat every time they decided they wanted to try a new "cocktail" on me. I had been on SP previously and had lost weight and read several articles on depression and exercise, I remember reading that just 30 minutes of brisk walking daily improved symptoms of clinical depression. I figured what could it hurt, at this point, I was really willing to try anything and if something as simple as a walk was an option, it was really worth a shot.
It was hard at first, trying to find the motivation to get moving, but I really knew I had to try. But it didn't take long before I started feeling better. I was still having symptoms but they were not where near the extremes I had become accustomed to. I started sleeping better and my overall moods were improving. And before too long I was looking forward to my daily walks and even walking for longer periods of time.
As time progressed things were really beginning to change in my life. I looked forward to going to work and I actually found myself making friends again. I guess they stopped being afraid of the "crazy woman".
Let me fast forward a little more, I had been walking for a while and was active in the Sparkpeople community. I had made some real progress with losing weight and had a Sparkfriend that wanted someone to run a 5K with her. So I decided to train for my first 5K (2009) and I hated every minute of it. I was horrible at running, I could walk faster than I could run but I stuck it out ran a few 5Ks that year and decided running just wasn't for me and quit after my last 5K in June.
Things were starting to suck again in my life, even ended up getting fired from my second job. And that was the best thing that ever could have happened to me (January 2010). I decided to use that extra time I now had to give running another shot, I was reading all these posts about how running was changing all these peoples' lives. I gave myself totally to the process, running is hard and requires physical and mental strength. It became more about what was I really accomplishing, it was about becoming strong enough to push through those thoughts in my head when it told me to just give up.
That year, I became stronger than I had ever been in my life. I learned that my mind can be my worst enemy and my heart can be my bestfriend. When my mind was telling me to just give up, what is the point, my heart would tell me you love this, look how far you have come. I had found a new level of self confidence and I became more independent and yes, I was happy.
Going to fast forward to 2012, my husband and I had been together for over 16 year and married for 13. He had always been supportive and dealt with all my "craziness". I was overweight when we started dating but ballooned up to over 260 pounds at my heaviest and I was always dependent on him. Over the course of the past 4 years I had lost some weight (119 pounds to be exact) and gained self confidence and an independence that he could no longer handle. While he supported my running and was always at the finish line cheering me on and often running the short distance until I crossed along side me. He had to find a way to break my independent streak. He became verbally and emotionally abusive, he would make fun of my new body. Things aren't where they used to be anymore and certain body parts a lot smaller. He used to tell my my loose skin on my belly looked like chicken skin, he would draw pictures of stick woman with boobs hanging past her belly on the dry erase board with my name above it. After training for several months and running 3 half marathons, I decided to take a break and I hadn't ran in a few days. He came into the bedroom where my daughter (18) and I were laying on the bed watching Spongebob and asked me when was the last time I ran. I told him it had been a few days. His response "You're going to be a fat f@#$% cow again before you know it" forced me to take another look at my life again.
At that point I had another decision to make, I wasn't stupid, I knew what was going on. I knew what he was trying to do to me. I tried talking to him about it but he would just tell me I was being a big baby. While I loved him, I loved myself more. I wasn't going to continue to let myself be a victim anymore. Our relationship had become toxic to my well being and I left.
I continued running, it was my escape. It is what got me through the loneliness and my self doubt about leaving but in 2013, things got bumpy for me again, I got a new job which really didn't leave me with much time for running, I was in a new relationship, and on my two days off each week I took care of my granddaughter while my daughter attended her college classes. I started losing myself, I was so wrapped up in life, I wasn't taking time for me.
And here we are in the present. In January, we (my BF and I) moved from MI to NC because he got a wonderful job opportunity and we both needed a change of scenery. Most of February I spent most of my free time, which I had a lot of, at the gym in the extended stay where we were staying while he was at work and when he was sleeping would take the car and go to the Y. I starting to find myself again, heaven knows I had enough time alone with myself. I also started my 5K training again then skipped over the next logical step and jumped right back into half marathon training and ended up with an impact injury. In May I ended up with an impact injury from increasing my mileage too quickly putting my running to a halt.
In June, I remained active. I joined a 100 mile monthly challenge to help hold me accountable. I walked most of them, slowly adding running intervals back in. In July, I signed up for the challenge again, this time running increasingly more than walking. In August, I signed up for the challenge one more time and started my 10K training, only walking when I really needed to take a break.
Then September happened and it was like something was flipped off in my brain, I was tired, unmotivated, and all I wanted to do was disappear. For a week all I wanted to do was cry, I was miserable and I didn't even make an effort to run. But with each day I was getting sucked further and further in. On the 6th, I forced myself to run my 5 mile race that I had already paid for and pushed through. But it was Sunday's run that forced me to pull myself back into reality.
The reason I am writing this blog is because I feel I owe an explanation. I am not ambitious or motivated, I don't run because I am dedicated to weight loss. I run because I have to, it keeps me stable and in touch with reality. I don't know why, it is something I don't understand but I know it works for me. It is my antidepressant, my mood stabilizer, my anti-psychotic all wrapped up into one. Running is my lifeline, it is how I cope. I don't feel inspirational, I just know it is what I have to do.
PS I don't proofread, so I apologize if thoughts are incomplete or jumbled.
Monday, September 15, 2014
For the first time in a couple of weeks, I woke up feeling very positive. Things have been really rough going for a bit, but after reconnecting on here last week and receiving more support than I ever thought imaginable. I am really feeling that things may begin to look up for me.
Yesterday, I embraced the cooler temps and while my training plan called for 6 miles, I was only going to do 5. Just before I got to my turn around point, I decided to take the road to the right and run the loop, 8.4 miles. A little ambitious, yes, haven't ran that distance since May and ended up with an impact injury, but it was a truly beautiful day for a run. Since the temps were much cooler then they had been, I found myself running at a much faster pace than I was accustomed to, but it felt good, but it also meant that by mile 4 I was really beginning to tire, but there is no shame in walk breaks. Mile 6, I was pretty much dragging. Over the next mile I tried running as much as I could but my legs were unwilling to cooperate, and found myself walking the last 1.5 miles. I can deal with that, I just wish my app wouldn't have crashed while I was syncing so I could have really reviewed my stats.
I didn't sleep very well last night, my legs were very achy and it was hard to get comfortable. Despite not sleeping well, I felt pretty good. It was another cool morning , perfect for running, but it is also my rest day. What to do? Go for a run anyways just keep it short and slow. The short part I did, the slow, well I found myself running almost a minute per mile faster than I usually do with not much more effort than usual. I love cooler weather :) Don't get me wrong, I love the heat and the humidity, when I am at the beach.
Over the past week, I have done a lot of self talk. I had to remind myself that while I am responsible for my own happiness. That sometimes I just have to reach out and ask for help. For so many months, I have have been on FB trying to keep in touch with family and friends back home, only to see so much drama and hatred on there. Everything seems so negative and so many would rather tear you down than lift you up. When there were times I just needed an outlet and people would have snide and nasty remarks, or they wanted to tell me everything I were doing wrong. Forgetting their own backyard needed tending. My friends list seemed to get smaller by each passing day.
But here, it's different. We are all here for the same purpose, to be better versions of ourselves; physically, emotionally and mentally. We are all here to reach our goals and support others in their journey to reach theirs. It is a positive community with some of the most wonderful and caring people out there. This is what I want/need to be a part of. When I surround myself with positive people, even online, it is a lot easier to have a positive outlook.
Here I am rambling again. I guess this would be a good place to end this, if not I could go one forever.
Have a wonderful afternoon and Happy Sparking :)
Sunday, September 14, 2014
My dear BF's shift changes again this week, he works 2 week swing shifts. Prior to his last stint on 2nd, he was on 1st and 3rd for a total of 6 weeks, I got into a pretty regular routine and with me being a creature of habit, was really a welcome change. In bed by 10:30, up by 6, breakfast at 8, and run at 9, just like clockwork.
But these past two weeks, he has been on afternoons. Which means he wasn't home until 11, and I would wait up for him and make sure he had a hot dinner when he came home. Nothing he would expect me to do, but I know he appreciates it. And we would eat dinner and watch tv together until 1, which means be getting up at 6 was out of the question. I do not function on less than 7 hours of sleep, ok, I can function, but I usually have a headache most of the day. These is when I noticed a change, I started feeling anxious, depressed and just out of whack.
For a couple of years, I was pretty stable, I was really stable, but I had a routine. I had the same bedtime, woke up the same time, ate breakfast, ran, everything was at the same time everyday. Even had alarms set on my phone to keep me on track, and it worked. Friends and family even called me Rain Man, but hey, there was something to it.
Last year, I lost that routine, but I was able to make it work for the most part. I was able to have a regular bedtime and a regular wake up time but everything else was just thrown into the day. I wasn't quite the same, I tried, but it just wasn't the same. I was tired all the time, even quit running for the most part. Life just got in the way. So I try to get on and stay on a schedule whenever possible.
Oops, got off track, my brain does that a lot. For the next month, my BF will be on 1st for two weeks then 3rd for two weeks. I am hoping to get back on my normal schedule and get my body back into balance. I am hoping that this little set back with my depression the past couple of weeks was just that, I got thrown off schedule after my body became so dependent on that routine again.
If over the next month, I am able to get back to feeling "right" again, I think I may have to have a little talk with him and just cook his dinner right before going to bed so it will still be hot when he gets home. I know he will appreciate it if I begin feeling a little like myself again. These last two weeks have been just as hard on him as it has been on me. Until last week, we have never had a fight, yes we have had a couple of disagreements, but nothing where we raised our voices. We had our first screaming match and we have been together almost two years. So I am sure he will be more than happy if I am in bed by the time he gets home if it means he can have the "sane" me back. I am going to guess that two weeks of not seeing much of each other is a lot better than me being at his throat because my internal clock is in chaos.
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