Tuesday, December 10, 2013
I've spent so much time living in fear, pain, and uncertainty. I have allowed myself to just get by in life. Convincing myself that the future was hopeless. But, I have made so many mistakes. i have underestimated other people and I have underestimated myself.
I have spent my days being tormented by thoughts that revolve around my problems and insecurities. I have been fearful of new situations because I expected people to judge me so harshly as a result of my size. The truth is that no one judges me worse than I do. I am not naive and I know that people will judge me by my appearance, but I have honestly found that mot people are open minded. One a trip to NYC I was nervous about going out to a club with my friends I was visiting, but it ended up being one of my favorite nights ever and everyone was extremely friendly and welcoming. Also, a couple weeks ago I went to Cleveland to see Pink in concert with my friend and her mom. The whole time I was paranoid about the stranger who would be sitting next to me and I imagined how outraged she would be having t sit next to someone who took up part of her seat. But, the woman was kind and outgoing and talked to me often throughout the show. Time and time again I am learning that I am the one holding myself back and not everyone else.
These past couple years I have felt so weak, damaged, and tortured. But, I am underestimating my strength. I need to remember that I can do this and That I deserve to have the life I have dreamed about. I know the journey is going to be hard, but I look forward to the day where I can look back at the days I struggled and be thankful that I continued to fight.
December 11, 2013 --Marks the day that I took back my life
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
I continue to struggle to figure this all out. I used to be motivated and passionate about getting healthy and about life, even though I struggled with countless insecurities and although I never truly made any progress with my weight. When I think back to when my depression was at it's worst, the physical pain and mental anguish I endured, I almost prefer that to where I am now. At least when you are in pain, you know you are still living, still fighting. This isn't living. This is giving in. This is defeat. This is the beginning of the end.
I don't try. I don't put in effort. I'm trying to make effort to change my life, but it is minimal. I'm just becoming more confused and lost in my life... in my thoughts. Struggling to fight my demons while searching for my destiny and at the same time trying to silence the voices in my head that make me analyze my past, present, and future. I'm constantly waiting for someone to acknowledge me and my struggles. "Look at me! Notice me! Save me!" That is such a childish mentality. I am my own responsibility. I need to learn that I am the HERO of my story! No one can save me, but me!
Now how do I do that exactly? Well, that's what I need to figure out...
Monday, November 11, 2013
~Lost at Sea~
This is a mayday
Can you hear my plea
I'm alone and lost at sea
I was searching for an escape
But, the storm followed me
The lightning strikes
The thunder booms
Please send help soon
I'm afraid that I might disappear
Without a trace that I was ever here
Desperately trying to hold on tight
As these crashing waves threaten my life
But, part of me believes
It'd be better to give in to the sea
Please forgive me if I can't hold on
Because the wind is far too strong
This boat, it's sinking fast
and I'm not sure how long my breath will last
Now we'll find out what my ending will be
Who wins this final battle, me or the sea?
Monday, November 04, 2013
Right now my life is far from where I want it. In fact, I would argue that nothing in my life is right. My financial situation is tragic. My love life is non-existent. I am currently car-less until I either fix my car or get a new one. I hate hate hate my current job. I am unhealthy and doubt that will change any time soon. I am struggling with countless insecurities. And none of this seems like it will ever end. So situations like these cause us to dream about the future. I am constantly praying that I could just fast forward my life to a time when everything was all right.
So here is my question for you and for myself as well...
If you could snap your fingers and and have your dream life. would you?
My answer in the past would have always been 100% yes! When you are struggling it is much easier to just jump to the future when all your problems are fixed. We are so busy worrying about the big picture, such as getting married, having kids, having our dream job, or losing the weight. But, this does not help us obtain these goals. In fact, worrying about the future hurts both our present and future. We need to learn to live in the moment.
So my answer is a shocking NO! No, I would not want to snap, my fingers and have my dream life. I mean think about it. You go to sleep and wake up with to and amazing husband/wife, beautiful children, and you're healthy with an awesome career. Yeah it sounds really incredible, but think about all the things you missed out on. You missed that awkward first date. You missed the arguments and the makeups. You missed saying "I Do". You missed your children's first steps and first words. Could you imagine fast forwarding a movie to the end. It just ruins the whole movie. It is all the moments during the movie that make the ending so heart warming.
So here is what we need to do. Live in the moment. Plan ahead, but not so much that it ruins the present. Make the decision that is right for you in the very moment. That is how we find out right path. We must stop comparing our stories to others. I would love a guarantee that my "movie" will have a happy ending, but I also hate spoilers. I would never wanna give up those precious moments. It is my life now that will take me where I am meant to go and although the journey terrifies me it is my own unique story and I need to live it.
Inspired by RISINGBLUESTAR's blog "Worries won't go away"
Friday, October 25, 2013
In 2009, my brother passed away unexpectedly. My brother and his two kids had been living with my mom and I since 2005, most of the time I was away at school. Before that a lot of my spare time had been spent babysitting and stuff like that ever since my first nephew was born on in 2002, when I was 15 years old. A year after my brother's death my mom got custody of both kids. The oldest has many demanding health problems such as epilepsy and a mild form of autism. The youngest has behavioral and emotional issues as well as ADHD. Needless to say a lot of my time is allocated to helping with them. I work nights so that I can watch them on the weekends so that my mom can work two days in order to keep health insurance because she retired in 2010, just a couple days before she ended up unexpectedly going after custody. My goal is to finally move out on my own after the near year... that is if I can ever save up money!
WHAT CAUSES ME STRESS
I am constantly worrying about what will happen to my nephews if something were to happen to my mom. They would likely become my obligation. I could see their mother taking the youngest, but there is no way she could handle the oldest with all his demands which can be overwhelming. But, this situation causes me much turmoil. I am torn between wanting to take care of them and wanting to accomplish all the things I want in my life such as traveling, having a career I love, and falling in love and having my own family. I think my feelings would be different if it were 10 or even 5 years down the road because then I will have had so time to myself. I feel like a lot of my life has been dedicated to them and I have never really had a chance to live my own life. On the other hand, it is not either of my nephews fault for the life they were handed and I could never abandon them.
I hate not knowing what is going to happen and I don't know if a day will come when I am not worrying about this. I can't help but feel like I will never get to have the same experiences as everyone else and it doesn't seem fair. It's not fair that I have had to struggle. It's not fair that I am tortured by these demons. It's not fair that I'm alone. It's not fair that I have to sacrifice so much for other people. It's not fair for the kids to have to live without two good parents. It's not fair that I will never get to live the life I want. It's not fair that it's not fair and that's the whole point I guess. We don't all have the same opportunities. i am am certainly aware that there are people who have it way worse than I do, which makes me feel even worse about my life. Just wish I could get cut a break sometimes. I feel like I deserve one. Maybe God and I can broker a deal. Just give me ten years, then I will be able to handle this. They say that God doesn't give you anything you can't handle. Only time will tell if that is true.
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