Sunday, May 26, 2013
Life has been so interesting lately....well, lately being these last 4 months. There have been so many stunning and breath taking moments and also periods of overcoming struggles.
In my blogs I have been very open and honest about my struggle with bulimia and my fight for recovery. The last blog I wrote was nearly 2 months ago on the eve of my 5th month of abstinence. I am now 2 days away from 7 months!! I have not used my bulimic behaviors/symptoms since October 28th, 2012.
When I first started on this journey I NEVER ever thought I would be able to make it this far in my abstinence and recovery. It is simultaneously scary and exhilarating to be where I am with my recovery. My campus has has a collegiate recovery community that I have been accepted into. It's a community that helps facilitate recovery while being successful in academic pursuits. Being accepted into this community has been the culmination of a LOT of hard work. I have fought tremendously, reached out for support and built an amazing recovery community around myself. The scary part of all of this is that I'm so far out of my comfort zone that it's unreal! The good thing about that is that by being outside of my comfort zone I have the opportunity to continue to grow in my recovery journey and to become myself again....the true me...the honest me...to reconnect with the things that give me life and strength to face the harder times.
A huge part of my recovery journey has been working with a sponsor and working the 12 steps through EDA (eating disorders annonymous). This has involved some tremendously difficult and uncomfortable work but at the same time has really provided me with a chance to grow and rediscover myself. A huge part of the 12 steps involves connecting with a higher power and this has been a huge struggle for me. I was raised in one faith but as an adult I know that I have to walk a different spiritual path than the one I was raised with. I am slowly starting to make peace with this and to really own my spiritual journey. My sponsor is very supportive of my spiritual journey and is helping me to find my own truth even though her path is different from mine. I'm so grateful for her even when she pushes my buttons and me outside my comfort zone...I know she's helping me grow tremendously in my recovery. We went and checked out a spiritual meeting today that she heard about in her Cultural Competency class and thought would be a perfect fit for me. The experience today didn't make me shut down completely and made me feel like I wasn't the outcast that doesn't believe. I haven't made my mind up yet and know that I need to go a few more times before I really make up my mind. Told my sponsor today that I'm open to going again. Think that made her really happy. This experience was HUGE for me, my journey AND my recovery and progress with the 12 steps.
After the meeting my sponsor and I went and grabbed some lunch before we did some shopping so she could use the birthday present that me and another friend gave her back in March. I had never been to this restaurant and eating out tends to be a really stressful experience for me, especially when I'm not familiar with the menu and can't plan a "safe" meal. We ordered our food, ate and then headed to this AWESOME store so my friend could be professionally fitted for a bra by the most amazing women ever. We are fortunate to live near the Livi Rae Lingerie store AKA the Double Divas....seriously if you can ever make it to this store I highly suggest it. My sponsor was skeptical that the experience would be as awesome as I kept telling her it would be. However, after she tried on the first bra she was dumbfounded!! She said she's never been so comfortable in a bra and the change in her appearance was astounding...the girls were properly supported and made her look slimmer. We both had a great time AND I've successfully converted one more woman to wearing properly fitting bras. There was lots of kidding around about how much her husband was going to love the "new" girls We did a little more shopping after that at another store and then she brought me home. Ater she left I went and enjoyed the beautiful weather and wrote in my journal.
It was while journaling that I had the startling realization just how big of a deal eating lunch was. The first time we went out to eat in a restaurant (aug/sept 2012) I was a ball of anxiety and was visibly uncomfortable. It was a hard meal for me but I was able to do it with the support of my sponsor. Fast forward to today....there was NO anxiety about the menu, the food and nutrition facts, my eating disorder dictating what was acceptable for me to eat and telling me that I don't need the food. I didn't do any major modifications to the meal and the one change I did make was based on a taste preference and not bc of eating disorder reasons. I was also able to order my meal based on what sounded good and not what was lowest in calories and fat. All of these things are HUGE!!! I successfully ate a meal at a new restaurant without anxiety. I enjoyed what I ordered and had no feelings of good vs bad food. Having that realization was amazing for me. I often feel like I'm not making any progress in my recovery but today I have been able to see and realize just how far I have come! It feels amazing to be able to see my own progress and to own it. I'm so proud of myself and really feel that all the hard work I've been putting into my recovery is working and is truly worth it.
Life is good and I'm so grateful for the experiences that I am having right now.