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FIERCESTCALM's Recent Blog Entries

the gym is good for my soul

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

As someone that is recovering/in recovery from an eating disorder many people can be concerned that I am using activity (aka exercise) for the wrong reasons and to compensate for eating. I can see where their concern comes from but......

I always feel SO much better about myself after the gym (I workout with a personal trainer who knows me and my history very well) and feel emotionally lighter! This particular week my body image has been in the toilet and when I look in the mirror I see a body that looks like the Stay Puft marshmallow man from Ghostbusters. It makes it so hard to feel good in any of my clothes (even the ones that are usually my go to clothes on bad days) and so I spend most of the day fidgeting in/with my clothes and trying to shut the negative voices up in my head. Today I worked out with my trainer and told him about how bad the body image stuff has been this week. I think he was a little shocked at my description of how I see myself.

However, if felt SO good to feel comfortable enough to tell my trainer how I'm feeling. It was also awesome to have my focus shift from the physical appearance of my body to the physical strength of my body. It's amazing to me how shifting my focus from appearance to function can change how I feel about my body. I *KNOW* that I am physically strong and can do things that people wouldn't expect from me partly bc I am a woman but also bc I don't look like someone that is as physically active as I am.....and that is one of the hardest parts for me, that I don't look active. My trainer tells me all the time that he tries new exercises out on me bc if I can't do it he knows none of his other clients can do it either. That feels good have my strength and endurance confirmed.

Today we did some things that used to be near impossible for me and while they were tough I was able to do all the reps and sets that my trainer wanted me to do. It felt good to be able to see that physical progress and it shows me that even if my body doesn't make the outward physical appearance changes that I want that there are so many healthy internal physical changes going on. My muscles continue to strengthen and to build up (without looking bulky) and my endurance has improved so much. I LOVE seeing the changes in stamina and that just reinforces that working out is doing good things for my body.

Physical activity for me is also a form of meditation. It's one of the few ways that I know how to still my mind and work through problems. It's not about burning calories and being's about connecting with myself, with nature (I do as much as I can outdoors), building muscle/strength/stamina and most importantly is something that helps me feel better about my body.

Hopefully one day I'll be able to look in the mirror and like what I see looking back at me or at least not hate it so much. I know that some days are better than others and that lately I've been riding a 'recovery high' bc I've been doing so well. This week has been filled with "other" days and I'm just trying to negotiate them as best I can and keep doing what I need for my recovery.

In the meantime, I'm going to keep doing as much physical activity as I can (and as my food intake supports) and just focus on the strength and what my body can do and try not to make myself feel bad for not having that model body.


so many victories!

Sunday, May 26, 2013

Life has been so interesting lately....well, lately being these last 4 months. There have been so many stunning and breath taking moments and also periods of overcoming struggles.

In my blogs I have been very open and honest about my struggle with bulimia and my fight for recovery. The last blog I wrote was nearly 2 months ago on the eve of my 5th month of abstinence. I am now 2 days away from 7 months!! I have not used my bulimic behaviors/symptoms since October 28th, 2012.

When I first started on this journey I NEVER ever thought I would be able to make it this far in my abstinence and recovery. It is simultaneously scary and exhilarating to be where I am with my recovery. My campus has has a collegiate recovery community that I have been accepted into. It's a community that helps facilitate recovery while being successful in academic pursuits. Being accepted into this community has been the culmination of a LOT of hard work. I have fought tremendously, reached out for support and built an amazing recovery community around myself. The scary part of all of this is that I'm so far out of my comfort zone that it's unreal! The good thing about that is that by being outside of my comfort zone I have the opportunity to continue to grow in my recovery journey and to become myself again....the true me...the honest reconnect with the things that give me life and strength to face the harder times.

A huge part of my recovery journey has been working with a sponsor and working the 12 steps through EDA (eating disorders annonymous). This has involved some tremendously difficult and uncomfortable work but at the same time has really provided me with a chance to grow and rediscover myself. A huge part of the 12 steps involves connecting with a higher power and this has been a huge struggle for me. I was raised in one faith but as an adult I know that I have to walk a different spiritual path than the one I was raised with. I am slowly starting to make peace with this and to really own my spiritual journey. My sponsor is very supportive of my spiritual journey and is helping me to find my own truth even though her path is different from mine. I'm so grateful for her even when she pushes my buttons and me outside my comfort zone...I know she's helping me grow tremendously in my recovery. We went and checked out a spiritual meeting today that she heard about in her Cultural Competency class and thought would be a perfect fit for me. The experience today didn't make me shut down completely and made me feel like I wasn't the outcast that doesn't believe. I haven't made my mind up yet and know that I need to go a few more times before I really make up my mind. Told my sponsor today that I'm open to going again. Think that made her really happy. This experience was HUGE for me, my journey AND my recovery and progress with the 12 steps.

After the meeting my sponsor and I went and grabbed some lunch before we did some shopping so she could use the birthday present that me and another friend gave her back in March. I had never been to this restaurant and eating out tends to be a really stressful experience for me, especially when I'm not familiar with the menu and can't plan a "safe" meal. We ordered our food, ate and then headed to this AWESOME store so my friend could be professionally fitted for a bra by the most amazing women ever. We are fortunate to live near the Livi Rae Lingerie store AKA the Double Divas....seriously if you can ever make it to this store I highly suggest it. My sponsor was skeptical that the experience would be as awesome as I kept telling her it would be. However, after she tried on the first bra she was dumbfounded!! She said she's never been so comfortable in a bra and the change in her appearance was astounding...the girls were properly supported and made her look slimmer. We both had a great time AND I've successfully converted one more woman to wearing properly fitting bras. There was lots of kidding around about how much her husband was going to love the "new" girls We did a little more shopping after that at another store and then she brought me home. Ater she left I went and enjoyed the beautiful weather and wrote in my journal.

It was while journaling that I had the startling realization just how big of a deal eating lunch was. The first time we went out to eat in a restaurant (aug/sept 2012) I was a ball of anxiety and was visibly uncomfortable. It was a hard meal for me but I was able to do it with the support of my sponsor. Fast forward to today....there was NO anxiety about the menu, the food and nutrition facts, my eating disorder dictating what was acceptable for me to eat and telling me that I don't need the food. I didn't do any major modifications to the meal and the one change I did make was based on a taste preference and not bc of eating disorder reasons. I was also able to order my meal based on what sounded good and not what was lowest in calories and fat. All of these things are HUGE!!! I successfully ate a meal at a new restaurant without anxiety. I enjoyed what I ordered and had no feelings of good vs bad food. Having that realization was amazing for me. I often feel like I'm not making any progress in my recovery but today I have been able to see and realize just how far I have come! It feels amazing to be able to see my own progress and to own it. I'm so proud of myself and really feel that all the hard work I've been putting into my recovery is working and is truly worth it.

Life is good and I'm so grateful for the experiences that I am having right now.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MZZCHIEF 6/9/2013 1:30PM

    Hey Fierce!
Enjoyed your blog, it helped answer the mystery of your recovery!
Too cool that you went to the Double Divas... I've watched them on TV... they're so funny, as if Lucy and Ethyl from the old Lucille Ball show went into the bra biz! The kooky little salesgirl is a riot, too.

So happy that you're connecting with your authentic self,enjoying food again,have a sponsor who values you as one human being to another!

: )

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ZRIE014 5/27/2013 12:17AM


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ELRIDDICK 5/27/2013 12:10AM

  Thanks for sharing

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update....big milestones

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

It's been hard for me to be consistent with using spark these last few months. I have used it as an unhealthy way to act out in my eating disorder and I'm having a hard time using it as the healthy tool it is meant to be.

With that being said I will get 5 months of abstinence from purging on Thursday which is astounding to me. I can't believe I have made it as far as I have. I have been reaching out more for in person support/connections which has also resulted in decreased time on the computer and spark.

I do miss everyone and feel guilty for not being a bigger participant on spark. it will come again as the time is right and safe for me to get really active again. I have to protect my recovery at all costs right now.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TIME2BLOOM4ME 5/6/2013 5:56PM


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SERENEART 3/30/2013 3:51PM

    I understand how you feel. There was a time when Spark was really triggering for me. emoticon

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been absent for a month.......

Thursday, January 17, 2013

I didn't mean to take a spark break. oops. honestly though, I think it was actually a really good thing for me. my eating hasn't been perfect and I've definitely struggled with skipping meals and not eating enough. HOWEVER, I have been doing AWESOME with not purging and no, I am not replacing purging with restricting. this last week has been kind of tough and I just haven't been very hungry.

My cousin is doing very well and recovering from her open heart surgery. things were pretty touch and go for a week but she's back at home and recovering.

I am back in school and taking two classes. This year I will be moving forward with a divorce but need to bide my time carefully because the house I live in is owned by my mother in law. I'm afraid that she might ask me to move out if I tell my husband too soon that I want a divorce. I'm also afraid that my estranged husband will stop paying for our daughter's school and I don't have the money to pay for it. She will start public kindergarten in the fall and so I'm hoping to hold out to the summer to really start the process. Another reason I'm trying to wait it out is because my car will be paid off soon and if I can hold out until then I will be able to take the car payment money and hopefully put it toward rent if I needed to.

I will also be applying to the nursing program this summer to start next January. Fingers crossed that I'm accepted!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUPER_ACE115 1/21/2013 1:37AM

    Welcome back!

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SASKGIRL81 1/17/2013 11:30PM

    I am glad to see you back. i took a long break myself but it wasn't a good thing in my case. I'm really proud of you for getting a good handle on your purging. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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heavy hearted....could use some prayers/positive vibes

Monday, December 17, 2012

Long story short: one of my favorite cousins had to have open heart surgery today (at age of slightly older than me) for a recently discovered congenital heart defect that she's had her whole life. She made it through the surgery and they found that the hole was bigger than anticipated.....if you touch your middle finger to your thumb that's how big the hole was today but that it's ALWAYS been proportionally that big even as a child , they also found an aneurysm in her pulmonary artery because of the hole. She was rushed back into surgery about 3 hours later due to falling heart rate, and when they reopened her they found bleeding in her chest from several different areas and a couple of other things. before the 2nd surgery she did go into cardiac arrest and they had to use epinephrine and the defibrillators on her as well. so scared for my aunt, uncle and BOTH my cousins (she has an older sister that is my other favorite cousin).

if she had waited another 6 months it would have been too late. my heart is heavy tonight and I'm super worried. I know that for right now no news is probably good news. Drs say that her heart is really strong and actually lept off the heart/lung machine but this is just scary and sobering stuff. we're too young to be dealing with this stuff!!!!

so, if you pray regardless of who it's to please send a prayer up for my Laura and the rest of her family. If you don't pray but can spare positive vibes and thoughts please send those too.

hoping I can get some sleep tonight. last night was really tough and I'm running on less than 4 hrs of sleep. thanks to anyone that reads this.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUPER_ACE115 12/18/2012 12:43AM

    I'm so sorry for your heavy heart. You and your cousin (along with the rest of your family) are in my prayers.

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FIFTYFOUR2 12/17/2012 11:47PM

    Sending lots of good thoughts your way and a prayer for your cousin. Maybe it will help a little to know my daughter had a hole in her heart and pulmonary artery repair and a few other things when she was 6 months old. That was 22 and 1/2 years ago and she is doing great, the picture of health and in grad school. Amazing things can be done with hearts!


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