Thursday, January 17, 2013
Actually, I'll start with the "Daily Visualization" from SparkCoach today.
Imagine that you're at a party with a huge buffet table. You fill a small plate with fruits, veggies, and some lean protein. After you've mindfully eaten until satisfaction, you are able to focus on your company for the rest of the night. How does it feel to have such a carefree attitude toward food? Work on cultivating that attitude today."
In particular this question: "How does it feel to have such a carefree attitude toward food?"
THAT'S a carefree attitude?
You are in front of a huge buffet table. You have to see all this yummy stuff there for the taking but feel compelled to take the small plate, take fill it with mostly veggies and fruits and a small amount of LEAN protein. You "mindfully eat", which means even though you're enjoying the flavor you are paying most of your attention to that moment when you feel "satisfied" and then walk away knowing you won't go back.
I guess this is just another example of why I don't get this.
To me, it would be closer to carefree taking small (a small serving spoon or 1/2 of a large serving spoon, one handfull of chips, etc.) servings of all the things I love - which YES would include veggies and maybe fruit if there's any on the buffet that I like. Carrying my plate around with me while I visit with people so the eating is slow and leisurely. And then, I can agree with this although it would be less enjoyable, not having seconds.
And even that's not "carefree".
Carefree was when I was a kid and a teen and could eat as much as I wanted of whatever I wanted and never gained weight from it.
I really wish I hadn't been like that as a kid and teen. It is so hard to come off of 18 years of that then to suddenly start gaining weight and having to cut back. Even after all the years since that change happened, cutting back it still hard. Part of my mind keeps thinking it can eat what it wants.
On to other matters.
I think I was better off with the stress taking care of my brother.
My office/craft room thing, is still a mess from when we packed up almost our whole house to have all the carpeting replaced. In part it's because I left so soon after it was done and also it's because I want to paint the walls. So, there's stuff I have wanted for whatever reason but can't get to because it's in some box somewhere labeled "My (or Mom's 'cause my daughter helped pack up) Room".
My hubby has said firmly this time that he will be quitting his job this year. So there's all that upheaval and my space in the house is a mess and totally unusable.
No. Bad note to close on. There are some good things.
I love my cats. I'm reading a good mystery story. I went to choir practice at church and had fun singing. It's a sunny day today. I finally came up with something to make for a friend of mine for her belated (because I was gone) Christmas gift.
I will try to "Think Happy Thoughts" and maybe, if I can find some pixie dust, I'll be able to fly.
So . . .
What's new with all of you?
Sunday, January 13, 2013
"Daily Community Task
Have you struggled with stress or anxiety related to your weight-loss program or weigh-ins? Blog about your experience. Sometimes, just getting things off your mind will help you find a new perspective."
Personally, I stress about most everything. I even stress about things that are supposed to help us un-stress.
"Am I doing this yoga pose right? Am I breathing right? How about this meditation thingy I'm trying - am I not thinking enough, or am I thinking about what I'm supposed to be thinking about?"
Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
So yeah - I stress about stuff "related to (my) weight-loss program or weigh-ins". I also stress about stuff "related to (my exercise) program".
I get stressed many of the times that I come to here to SparkPeople because I'm dancing (figuratively) around the edges of "The Program" instead of doing the program.
Nearly everyday I read the little notes on my "Check-ins Page" that's part of SparkCoach about how it's clear I'm having problems with sticking to the program, being motivated, being consistant - (that last one isn't true, I'm consistently not doing anything but I don't think that's the consistency they want ) - and reminding me that I can get support from a SparkCoach coach or from SparkFriends.
BUT . . .
No one can help with the fact that I'm just going through the 5 pages of the SparkCoach program, checking little boxes, reading the "Daily Visualization" and usually thinking it's all rather an exercise in futility or coming up with a negative spin on whatever it is, and not doing any of the program other than that.
I'm being honest in how I check the boxes, but fake in that I'm not doing the program.
It tells me I'm in "stage 3 of 4 of (my) SparkPeople Program" but I'm not really because I'm not tracking my eating, not drinking all the water, not getting 5 freggies, not watching my calorie intake. Not avoiding all the "unhealthy" foods I like and not substituting "healthy" foods for them I don't really like as much. I'm not doing purposeful exercising although I think I'm moving about generally more than I was.
I want to do SparkPeople - but I'm not.
I want to write my mystery book - but I'm not working on it.
I want to get my office/craft room painted and setup so it's pleasant and functional (it got packed up for new carpet installation & is still all packed) - but I'm not getting at that at all.
I spent from Dec. 4th to Jan. 7th out of state to help my brother while he had colon cancer surgery and so many weird things went wrong - other than the surgery itself once it actually was done, that went very well - that I ended up being there for only 1 week of his recovery instead of nearly three weeks of it as planned. Throughout the month I was mostly very stressed out.
My husband is miserable with his job, has been for about two years. He is stressed out. He is depressed. He's 62 and not horribly tech oriented and what the heck is he going to do to get a new job if he quits the stressful job and so I have all of that to handle. NO, I can't do it all for him. NO, I can't make him quit stressing etc. BUT, I love him and I care about him so his pains all affect me. I want to be the best I can be so I'm not dragged down by his stress and so I can do as much as I can to be supportive.
I know so many of you have issues in your lives that are a million times more harsh than my wussy issues. You have chronic illnesses or a loved one does. You weigh a lot more than I do and have all sorts of health and mobility issues because of it. You're also stressed out and depressed. But you're here working hard on eating and exercising and many of you don't even grouse about it all like I do. That is pretty much all I do here is grouse and grump and mope and whine.
But I keep showing up here.
Several of you have become friends and that amazes me because I'm such a Negative Nelly, and your friendship touches my heart. You amaze me because you've shown concern for me and have encouraged me even though I'm still a downer.
I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm headed or anything.
I can't set goals because I don't function well with the whole goals thing.
I can't set goals because I don't know what I want anymore.
None of my immediate family - parents, grandparents, aunt - have lived past 83 and all of them were sickly the last few years of their lives.
I figure I have about 15 to 20 years of "good" life left.
How do I decide what's worth spending that time doing?
I suppose I should add that everyone on my Dad's side of the family were fat. Everyone on my Mom's side were skinny but smoked like chimneys. So both families had major poor health causing factors in their lifestyles.
Other than breathing my parents second hand smoke until I was about 20 I've never smoked. But I am fat.
Will it really matter if I lose weight? And how much? Every time my Dad got near his supposed "healthy weight" he'd get sick. His sister did the same thing. But neither did they try to be "fit though fat" by exercising.
Will it matter if I finish my book and can get it published, knowing that I'll be expected to write another? And perhaps another.
Will it matter if I get my office/craft room (my cave, my oasis) in a condition where I feel at peace and able to work in there?
I know it will matter, help my quality of life & his, if I help my hubby through his issues because then I won't be having to cope with his stress on top of my own.
I know it matters that I'm there for my adult kids and their families when they need me. And I know that when I'm around them it is better for everyone if I'm not moody and stressed.
I know I'm not able to be as creative when I'm all stressed out and depressed.
And so now, added to everything else, I'm stressing over what I should do and what I should let go of . . .
Saturday, December 29, 2012
"Daily Community Task
Is someone sabotaging your weight-loss efforts? Why do you think that is? What can you do to stay in control and address the situation? Write a blog today about your plan, then put it into action!"
"Is someone sabotaging my weight-loss efforts?"
YES I AM
Why do I think that is?
Iím being a stubborn child.
I seem to be losing so many things that are things I enjoy. My creativity has nose-dived and a lot of what is left is shoulds, oughts and have-tos. I donít want eating to become such an un-fun burden.
I donít know Ė maybe none of that is it.
I just donít know . . .
"What can you do to stay in control and address the situation?"
In a strange way, thatís what I feel I am doing. Iím not giving into all the hype and rah-rah. Iím not acting like I'm happy about giving up things I really enjoy. Iím not trying to make sense of all the nutrition and exercise information that half the time conflicts with itself or changes what you should do or not do every few months.
"Write a blog today about your plan, then put it into action!"
I have done the little goal setting stuff on here because it says to choose goals and have them here at the site. I havenít actually done any of it. Most of the time, I can't even remember how to find them on here.
I have no motivation at all. No enthusiasm at all. I hate being fat. I donít want diabetes. But none of that seems to be having any effect. Iím burned out. I donít even seem to have the motivation to do things I really want to do.
How can I put anything more into action when Iím already not doing the other stuff Iím needing/wanting to do - like writing my mystery novel and turning my office into a room I can enjoy working in?
SP recommends making a motivation collage/picture/image thingy with all the lovely, wonderful, exciting things you want to be and do when you achieve your exciting, wonderful, inspiring goals.
I can never think of anything to put on it. How will losing weight and exercising help me write my book or redo my office? I canít imagine looking at such a thing would really make any difference in how I feel. It seems silly.
What would I put on it? Things I might achieve but then let fade away so I can look at my motivation collage and be reminded of failing again?
But . . .
I had a thought the other day that . . .
Iím killing me softly.
Iím keeping myself from doing all this (I started to say Ďcrapí Ė not positive, bad word) great stuff and I donít know why.
Other than Iím weary. Iím weary of all the effort to change and still have to do all that have-tos, oughts, and shoulds that I already have to do.
Weary of doing stuff that I canít make last. I've changed before. Improved before. Lost weight and gotten fit before.
None of it has stuck.
So . . .
Part of me wants to lose weight and exercise and get fit and healthy so I can die from something that doesnít have to do with being fat and out of shape.
Part of me just doesnít want to try and muster up all the energy to do it.
Part of me is keeping me from doing most everything I want to do.
Part of me is killing me softly.
And I have no idea how to stop the murderer.
Monday, December 24, 2012
Today's assignment on the "Community Page" part of the daily SparkCoach routine is:
"Spend a few minutes writing about the reasons behind your fitness and weight-loss goals. What is your true motivation? What do you hope to achieve or experience after reaching your goal?"
Yes, I've set goals - but really only because you are supposed for the program. So, in a lot of ways this is a good exercise for me. What am I looking for in the goals that I set grudgingly?
What's my "true" motivation?
I don't know - or well I know but it's a negative goal in that it's not something positive and uplifting that I'm aiming for
I don't want to get Type 2 diabetes.
Maybe try to word it more positively. "I want to avoid Type 2 diabetes."
No, I don't think that's any better.
"I want to eat healthy and get fit because people who eat healthy and are fit don't get Type 2 diabetes."
That's more positive - but I'm not all that sure it's completely true.
The thing is it runs in the paternal side of my family and I'm not sure I'll avoid it no matter what I do. Sorry, but I've known healthy weight & active diabetics.
The example in the video coaching that went with today was a fella that the SparkPeople head office folks knew personally who was in visiting and said, "I need to lose 20 pounds." They all went to work on him to get him to start the cool motivational stuff (that always seems rather silly to me). First up was this very assignment. WHAT DID HE REALLY WANT? Yeah - lose 20 pounds, but WHY? He wanted to be healthier and in better shape so he could play basketball with his son.
Really cool! Really. That's an awesome, positive goal. And he achieved it.
Of course he did - other wise SparkGuy wouldn't have used it for an example.
I don't have anything like that I want to do. Maybe play more easily with my grandkids, but even that is a minor thing as I don't see them all that often.
There's no sport I want to play.
My husband has no interest in dancing (he is ungainly) or us playing any sport except maybe golf (which I'm horrible at) and, at least at this point in time, he's not home much anyway as his work takes him on the road.
The things I love to do the most are all things one usually sits down to do. NO I did not choose to love them because they are sitting things - I loved them first and started doing most of them while I was a slender 9 year old through a slender high school senior.
Reading. Fine Arts. Crafts. and lately add to those Writing and working with photos I've taken.
I like walking, but only if I get to stop and look at things that catch my eye - usually taking photos of them. That's not "exercise" walking. I don't enjoy exercise walking and the times I've tried it (note *times* not just once) I've ended up hurting my feet, ankles or knees.
"What do you hope to achieve or experience after reaching your goal?"
Ah . . . be thinner?
Not get diabetes?
I don't expect to feel all energetic. It's never happened the other times in my life when I've done Weight Watchers and lost the weight I wanted to lose and exercised consistently. That's probably part of why I've never been able to maintain the habits. It hasn't ever become something enjoyable that I look forward to. Neither the healthy eating nor the exercise. They always stay something I have to do whether I really want to or not - which really doesn't lend itself to having them become permanent life habits.
If I'm honest about it, I still want to eat what I want to eat without having to measure it all (and no, I don't always eat huge portions either nor do I snack between meals) and I really don't enjoy taking time out of my day to change clothes, get all sweaty, have to take a shower and put on lotion, get dressed again.
So, as usually seems to be the case when I come here, I now feel dejected and depressed.
I want to lose weight so I might not become diabetic.
Not a "yipee let's get all excited to reach this exciting, happy goal" goal. Which probably explains a huge amount of why I've not been able to get motivated or excited, why all the excitement and perky motivation stuff here usually seems silly or makes me feel dejected, and why I haven't even done any of the program except go through the daily 5 SparkCoach steps so I get them checked off and get the Spark Points for them.
I don't want to have a close "diet" or "Spark" buddy who I'm accountable to and all that because I know I'll feel crappy when (if) she progresses along and is losing weight and feeling more energetic and what if I'm not?
I'd probably do better if I had a "diet" or "Spark" buddy who was motivated and enthusiastic. Maybe it would drag me along till some of it started to wear off on me.
I was very enthusiastic the two times I did Weight Watchers and made my weight goals and was doing my exercising. But both times it didn't stick. Didn't last. Didn't become healthy lifestyle habits. I'm really having trouble getting all perky for stuff that didn't work twice before.
BUT . . .
I really do want to lose weight. I really do want to be more fit.
I deeply wish I could see all the stuff you have to do to accomplish that as something other than a major drag that probably won't stick with me anyway.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
(Such a nice short title - LOL)
Last week end, Sept. 22nd, I went for what I hope will be the first of a long and fruitful series of counseling sessions. This has me hopeful because, for the first time, when I've mentioned to a counselor that I think I have ADD, Dave didn't go, "Hmm. Now let's get back to your depression."
Dave has been president of a local chapter of CHADD (Children and Adults with Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder) and has done a great deal of research and counseling in that area. Actually, he is ADHD himself.
I'm happy, thrilled and relieved to report that he confirmed that - yes - I have ADD!
Finally, I can say I KNOW I have ADD instead of I THINK I have ADD - and that is a huge thing.
Now I have a reason, not an excuse, for much of the way I am and have been all my life.
Now it can be dealt with and worked on. In this case, it's a label I'm thrilled to carry.
What was rather cool as well was as I told him various life stories that I felt backed up my thinking I have ADD, he kept saying things like: "That's text book ADD." "That's a classic description of an ADD behavior." It is just so awesome! It's like the title of a book on adult ADD - "You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?!" That's exactly how it feels. Freeing.
Now, after all that up-beat proclaiming, I'll go on to say I've been having a rough week since the appointment. I think the Negative Nelly in me is scared and has been rattling the bars of her cage. After my initial "Woo Hoo!" I've been depressed. Lots of "It isn't going to make much difference anyway and everything I do is garbage." sort of crappy thinking, which all sounds so correct and true when my emotions take a dive.
Hopefully . . . hopefully, I am now on the road to obtaining ways and means to deal with this and brighten my life.
I've told my counselor that I want to:
1) Get my book written
2) Get into a more healthy life style
3) Get ways to handle my life as an ADD person
4) Combine working on all of this into one package.
The last point is vital.
I've found that, because of my ADD, I can't work on major things as individual items or it doesn't last.
In 1987 I found an "organize your house keeping" system book that I liked the sound of, so I got it and began doing the program. For 4 months I kept my house clean. I got to where I didn't even need to look at the 3x5 cards that are the heart of the system any more for my daily or weekly tasks. I was thrilled - AND - everything I read said that if you do something consistently for 3 months, it has become a habit (I don't think they meant for ADD people), so I thought "Cool! It's been 4 months. I'm doing terrific. Time to add losing weight!"
I started Weight Watchers. Within 2 to 3 weeks the house was a mess - but the diet was doing wonderfully.
They were two separate "programs" started at two separate times, not integrated, so when I started focusing on the diet it overrode the first program.
I couldn't do both. They each took too much focus.
I don't want that to happen this time. I want to get my book done. I want to loose weight and get fit and I have to learn ways to deal with being what I am so that I can do what I want and need to do.
Will this work?
Will it all happen?
Is this even something my counselor can put together?
Will I explode in the process?
I'll keep you all informed.
Send good thoughts and prayers my way - I'll be needing all the help I can get.
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