Wednesday, March 06, 2013
Today, I'm focusing on noticing my moods around food. For the last week things have been going well for me in body, mind, and spirit. I have really started to understand my food as fuel, and think about my body and what it needs before I eat anything.
But tonight, I want more food. I ate a small but decent breakfast, then had a reasonable lunch at a Mexican buffet (really!), then ate a balanced dinner. But for the past couple of hours, all I can think about it what we might have in the fridge or cabinets. I want to munch, but I know that I don't actually need anything. What my body needs is water (not enough today) and some movement.
So I wanted to write it out instead of perusing the kitchen. I feel better already, and it's time to get my daughter to sleep anyway. G'night, Spark Town!
Saturday, March 02, 2013
I feel old. Rather, my body feels old, which makes me feel generally, old. I looked at myself in the mirror tonight and didn't really recognize what was presented before me. Awkward, staring into the eyes of someone you don't know well. All I know is that she is not quite at peace.
For better or worse, I tend to be a "fixer." It's something I'm working on - remembering that people don't necessarily need me to step in. Don't need to be fixed. But since I tend to do this, I thought, what would I say to this woman?
2013 has been rough on me. I was pregnant, but it was an ectopic pregnancy. We had one and a half days reveling in the news before things started going bad. It was a tough, tough month, and one I haven't nearly recovered from.
Last week, our house was broken into. My mom's & great aunt's jewelry and brother's bass were taken, and our glass door smashed into a million pieces. My back door is patched with plywood. And I am so, so, tired.
I haven't fully grieved, and I keep trying to but can't ever just let myself cry. I feel like I messed up - I should have prevented it. Maybe I could have.
So where do I go from here? I'm sitting in our studio/office, filled with files boxes, bins of fabric, projects galore, and the book, The Artist's Way. Maybe this is my clue to pick that book up, because I just can't seem to face the rest of the room. The stolen bass was in this room, and I have a mysterious empty spot on my desk that doesn't seem quite right. It totally could be but I just don't know. I don't really want to know.
But I have to tackle this room. I know it will help put things in some sort of order, help me plant my feet a bit more firmly.
The next day...
OK, it's daylight, and I'm back in this room. I just tracked my food - for the first week that I truly tracked and was careful what I ate, I'm doing pretty well! I'd like more exercise, but my body still freaks out a bit if I do very much. I'm realizing with low exercise, I need to be extra careful about my calorie intake (how much and where I'm getting it from). I'm hooping daily, which feels OK, although even that leads to some unwanted pinches and twinges. I'd like to swim or walk later - I'm going to make that happen.
It's nice not to feel overly full all the time, or overly sugared up. Even after just four days, my body feels stronger and healthier. My brother is taking my lead and is starting to work on his diet habits as well, and since we cook together this could be a very good thing.
Alright, I can feel the desire to procrastinate coming on, so I'm going to sign off and stare at this room a while until I figure out my first steps. My creativity and body-image seem to go hand-in-hand, so I'm looking forward to having my studio back to exercise that important part of me, to change my story and move on from this recent past.
Beautiful. Resilient. Inspirational.
Friday, March 01, 2013
I've changed the name of this blog several times - I may do it several more before I find the right one. A few days ago I saw this image, and I've been thinking about it ever since. So far, 2013 has really kicked my butt and it might not be over. I've had a major health scare, loads of family drama, and a burgled house. It's gotten to the point where we've made sure not to ask "what's next?" because we don't want to open up any opportunities for any more!
Instead, I'm moving forward. No longer dwelling on the past, even the very recent past. It's so hard, but I need to dig deep and let things go. Take care of myself and my family. Know that things will turn around. And that even when things are so, so bad, there is always a positive lesson to be learned.
I have a friend who is prolific with posting inspirational quotes on Facebook. I liked today's:
"Itís not what happens when the sun shines that defines you. Itís what you do when it rains."
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Today is Day 2 after a wild month of scary health problems, which are finally (mostly) resolved. I wasn't allowed to work out during this time, and I definitely comforted myself with food. Lots of it.
Last week I had the idea that when my health problems were over, I would do some sort of cleanse. Part of all of this is that we can't try for a baby for a few months, so that opened the opportunity to do something I couldn't do had I been pregnant.
Of course I went to extremes and decided I'd go for the 92-day cleanse. Luckily, with a few days of researching and considering my options, I realized I should maybe take it a bit slower. Now my goal is to do a 3-day cleanse in the next month, then a 7-day cleanse the next month.
In the meantime, I'm looking to chill out on several of my bad habits, so when I do the cleanse my body won't go into shock (making me much more apt to quit immediately). Right now my focus is:
1) drink more water (reminding myself that the goal is to flush out toxins)
2) switch out green tea for coffee over time
3) no more processed sweets
There are many more things I'm hoping to do, like add in more vegetables, no more alcohol, etc., but my main focus is going to be the three above.
So this is Day 2, at the end of a long, frustrating but mostly productive day. I came home late and managed not to snack on crap before dinner. I only had dark chocolate and fruit for my sweets today. I ate a reasonable dinner, although I nervously ate more quac and chips than I needed during a tough conversation with my brother (who is staying with us for a while). After he left for work, I couldn't wait to have more chocolate, so I had two small pieces. I was thinking about what I'd eat next when I decided to track my food in SP. I did, and realized I was already on the high end of my daily calories limit, and I kind of panicked! You mean, I can't eat a bit here and there, all night long?
This is why I'm here, trying once again to conquer my battle with food. I'm so glad to at least be aware of it, so I can try to change it. I just have to remember that I just have to keep failing until I succeed.
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Today is the first day of my third week trying to be healthy and lose weight. I was doing well - i lost 2 lbs the first week and thought I was doing well the second week, then today, weigh-in day, I gained the 2 lbs back! I was good with working out, but not as good (at all) with water. I also spent all of Sunday night baking muffins and cookies for a work party, and ate (and ate, and ate) way more of them than I should have.
The thing is, I feel so awful after I eat all of that stuff, but even knowing that, here I sit. Wanting a cookie. Or chocolate.
Instead I should go hula hoop and look up an OA meeting. I feel like I should definitely go tomorrow...
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