Can't help feeling helpless

Thursday, June 28, 2012

I cannot stand feeling powerless, it gives me anxiety not having control. Silly things like going to the grocery store gives me anxiety but having control over the grocery cart helps me cope cause I feel like it somehow protects me- I dunno it's just sketchy.

Unfortunately this need/urgency to control things rolls over into my friendships. Granted I have been known to take pity and befriend some crazy people because I always think that I can "help." When my brother and SIL started planning their wedding over 5 years ago my SIL asked me and one of her friends from high school to be her bridesmaids. I had never met the other bridesmaid, but we became quick friends.

A couple years ago I was changing careers and we became coworkers, unfortunately our friendship started to suffer because it was suddenly brought to my attention that she had serious addiction issues- food, alcohol and sex. I am a firm believer in keeping your personal life completely separate from your work/business life, but the events of the last few weeks have compromised this rule for me and for her. Things have finally come to a point where she has been given an ultimatum to commit to treatment or else she will no longer have a job to come back to. It completely crushes me that I cannot shake sense into her to see that it is just not her career on the line but also her life. I am so angry that nobody took me seriously over two years ago when I asked for help to help her, nobody would step forward to acknowledge that a young woman needed direction, guidance, love and strength of her family and friends.

It saddens me that I feel so helpless, but it also pisses me off that I care more than she does.
My thoughts and prayers go out to everyone who is trying to cope with a loved one suffering from an addiction.

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SHRINK_U 6/28/2012 9:50AM

I have the same kind of need for control. Without it, I also have anxiety. I hope your friend gets the help she needs. Report Inappropriate Comment

GHOSTFLAMES 6/28/2012 4:11AM

ONE DAY AND ONE STEP ATA TIME WE WILL DO THIS WE ARE WORTH IT. REMEMBER TO TRACK DAILY YOUR FOOD AND FITNESS TO BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE. WE ARE ALL HERE FOR YOU IF YOU NEED ANYTHING AT ALL JUST ASK. THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT ARTICLES TO READ HERE ON SPARK THAT ARE A BIG HELP GO EXPLORE. I AM STARTING OVER LOST 30 AND GAINED IT ALL BACK AND SO HARD THE SECOND TIME AROUND BUT I WILL NOT GIVE UP. TAKE CARE AND GOOD LUCK ON YOUR SPARK JOURNEY. Report Inappropriate Comment

How Does That Feel?

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Something has bothered me for years, I think my first forum post on SparkPeople many moons ago was even related to it.
Do you remember going shoe shopping as a kid and either your parents or shoe salesperson jabbing their thumb at the top of the shoes to see how much room you would have to grow into them? All while asking - How do they feel?! Well for whatever reason I guess I never grasped the concept of a shoe feeling great. For the last few years I have had the worst luck with my feet and shoes and I just could not understand why all of a sudden shoes (sneakers more so than any kind) were so uncomfortable. I was getting blisters galore on the inner sole/perimeter of my foot (not sure if that makes sense), excruciating pain from my arches, heels even my calves and tingly toes. I bought so many new pairs of shoes and insoles thinking I just needed better arch support, I even did that shady Dr Scholl's arch test in the middle of dirty ole Walmart and paid $65 for arch supports to no avail.

After a trip to Disneyland with my brother and SIL resulted in bloody, blistered swollen feet, my SIL "diagnosed" me as needing a wide width shoe. I determined this was perhaps logical and set out on a mission to find a size 8 wide womens shoe. NOT an easy task for some reason. I live in a suburbs of Phoenix and have EVERY retail store imaginable within the Phoenix area. Thinking I was smart I decided to call my best gal pal and we headed to the complete opposite side of town to an outlet mall thinking I would save a few dollars - roughly 90 miles round trip. Could not find a wide womens shoe to save my life! Stopped at EVERY sporting goods store on the way back home, darting every which way across town calling different stores to ask if they have any wide women shoes in size 8.
Finally I accepted that I would not be purchasing a pair of wide womens shoes and that I would have to resort to ordering a few pairs online. Not real ideal in my opinion. Just as I was admitting defeat I remembered a place barely TWO MILES from my house that offered free fitting and gait analysis so I thought that would be my best bet to ordering the right kind of shoe online. Within a minute of being asked what I was looking for I was asked to take off my shoes and walk away and back and was told that I over-pronate and that he had a few pairs of shoes for me to try on, didnt ask what size shoe I wore. Promptly came back with a box of Brooks, I was kind of nervous cause I have generally been a Nike girl (I loved my Nike Shox even though they didnt love me back!!) and I was pretty sure that they would be ridiculously expensive, especially from a "specialty" store. I played along and tried them on- HOLY HEAVEN!! The difference in the way that these shoes felt was life changing, however not wanting to feel like a hasty shopper I tried on another couple pairs- they felt ok but MEH, no golden ticket like the Brooks. Then I tried to sneak a peek at the model name and price and saw that he had me wearing the WRONG size shoe- that box said size 10 not size 8 like I have worn MY ENTIRE ADULT LIFE, nor were they a wide shoe. He assured me that size 10 was my appropriate shoe size and to go ahead and go walk around outside and feel them on different surfaces. I purchased those heavenly shoes and was quite pleased that they were the same price if not cheaper than my Nike Shox after I had purchased "athletic insoles."
I was in such shock that I have been wearing shoes TWO sizes too small for years, I had secretly given in and accepted that I needed a wide shoe for my fat feet that seemed to match my fat body- haha I am so glad that was not the case. I am not sure how the heck I accepted the ongoing foot pain for so many years- but now I clearly understand the meaning of how does that feel?

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WOUBBIE 6/28/2012 11:03AM

You're not the first person to discount how important wearing well-fitted shoes is to your wellness! I always went barefoot but a few years after I moved to a house with zero carpeting I started to have serious problems with my right foot. It was nearly disabling! Thank goodness I subscribe to FlyLady and she reminds you frequently to check "Where are your shoes?" Once I started wearing a great pair of sneakers more often (not even all the time!) my foot problems "miraculously" went away. I'm about to invest in some top of the line shoes again. I have a couple of great go-to pairs for work, but my old Reebok Classics just don't do the job for activity anymore. Report Inappropriate Comment

SHRINK_U 6/27/2012 1:30PM

I also wear Brooks shoes!!! I found them online a couple of years ago and they have been a lifesaver for me! I wear the walking ADDICTION shoes by Brooks. Love them. So glad your feet are feeling better! Report Inappropriate Comment

GSGIRL111 6/27/2012 2:15AM

Nothing feels as great as a good fitting pair of shoes! Your blog made me chuckle...not at your pain but, reminded me how I when I was younger I would squeeze my feet into a smaller shoe if I couldn't find the pair in my size. Report Inappropriate Comment

JILLITA55 6/27/2012 2:00AM

fabulous Report Inappropriate Comment

Long time no see

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

I have a confession. I am a lurker. I have no problem logging in and reading about the successes and blogs of other Sparkies, but when it comes to posting about myself I've got nada.
Actually I have gone through some major changes in my life since my last blog post.
* I finally pulled the plug on my 7+ year relationship, it had long turned into a situation of living together like roommates, but it was dragging me down emotionally and financially. I do not think I have ever been so angry and mentally/physically exhausted in my life than I had the last few years dealing with my ex. I tried every which way to Sunday to make things work and when it came down to it I choose giving myself the chance to be the happy person I used to be.
* I finished another semester of school- YAY!! This is quite the feat when working fulltime and attending school fulltime.
* I am in the process of house hunting.
* I have put myself back into the dating field.
While all of these things have been positive changes in my life, I have definitely been missing key changes that will lead me to true happiness- losing this weight and finally feeling comfortable and healthy. I have been talkin the talk but hadn't made the effort to walk the walk until Sunday. One of my best GFs asked me to go hiking, I surprised myself by committing even though I was feeling like crapola got out of bed and was at her house by 7:15 on Sunday, we hiked at least 2 miles before I threw in the towel and got home just in time for a 5 hour nap.
I am so grateful to my friend for encouraging me to start looking for the old me that is buried beneath this fat girl!! I am ready to dig her out!!

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SHRINK_U 6/26/2012 6:52AM

I lurked for a long time, too :) I am glad you are making positive changes in your life. Let'd do this! Report Inappropriate Comment

TDWANDD2MYK9 6/26/2012 1:59AM

W2g! Report Inappropriate Comment

Girl Talk

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

I find myself in a bit of a small dilemma, I need new bras. I have been a VS girl through and through for years, but Jiminy Christmas why are they so expensive!?!?! It is definitely an expense that requires a bit of a budget. I am a stick with what you know kind of girl, especially when it comes to articles of clothing because lets just face it- fat people finding comfortable or decent fitting articles of clothing is like hitting the jackpot lottery, so I generally splurge and stock up once a year. Unfortunately as my luck would have it, my jackpot has been discontinued.

Have any other ladies encountered this problem? What was your resolution? Did you resort to cheapy bras until you were closer to your goal? Does anyone have a particular brand that they are loyal to that offers comfort and support at a relatively decent price??

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WOUBBIE 11/23/2011 8:59AM

They don't make bras in my size and never have so I never wear them. If you google 46AA you are directed to mastectomy bras with padding.... Little bit insulting, that. Thank goodness for camisoles! However, as a former fan of What Not To Wear, I loved that one of the first things they hammered into their clients' heads was the need for a well-fitted bra, particularly around the band. It was amazing to see the difference when they were professionally fitted! Sometimes it even affected their dress size! Any department store will give you a free fitting, whether you end up buying their bras or not, and there are frequent sales to help with the cost if you do find a good one. Report Inappropriate Comment

JAMGIRL8 11/23/2011 8:28AM

Get a good bra! No matter what, don't compromise in this area. One that fits properly will not dig your sides, and the last thing that any busty girl needs of for the girls to pop out if you are bending over or to be in pain all day. Also, a great fitting bra not only makes you look great but you feel better, stand taller and gives you more definition. Don't skimp but look for bargains. Right now, Lane Bryant (a division of Vicky's Secret) is running 50% off of everything. They have an ahumazing back smoother that helps keep everything in place. **You can also get good deals through legitimate sites like www.ebates.com and www.retailmenot.com for internet coupon codes** Good luck! Comment edited on: 11/23/2011 8:29:35 AM Report Inappropriate Comment

MARKSTIPANOVSKY 11/23/2011 4:27AM

Keep focused and wonderful things begin magically appearing in your life... Thanks for sharing and wishing you well. Mark Never wore a bra... Sorry can't help on this one. Report Inappropriate Comment

Pushy pushy

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

I broke down and bought myself a treadmill a few weeks ago. YAY! I was so excited, got it home and assembly was less than quick/easy and was clearly a two person ordeal. I was lacking in the willing 2nd person department until last week when I finally convinced my live in to help me regardless of his negative comments during the entire process of how it was such an expensive clothes hanger and how much of a pain in the butt it was to put together to just not ever get used.
Well guess what- I just realized that my whole plan of getting up to use it before work (after he leaves the house) was just not really working for me. I am clearly a night person so getting up any earlier than I need to just is not in the motivation cards yet. So I waited until he went to bed and hopped on and went to town with my ipod blaring away. I figured I owed it to myself to get some good use out of it so I made myself jog for one minute intervals walk for 2 minutes in between. I only made it thru 4 intervals of the jogging and walked the rest for a total of 30 minutes on the treadmill.
Doesnt seem like it would be that hard- which I dont know that I would say hard is the word but it wasnt easy. I am proud of myself none the less. Its a baby step closer to unleashing the running beast that I know is in me!
My goal this weekend is to make myself a motivation board to hang in front of the treadmill for something to focus on.

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ADAM2298 9/23/2011 4:41PM

I like your spunk and positive attitude. Just keep at it. A friend of mine wanted to start a fitness plan and wanted to include his wife. She wanted nothing to do with it, in fact she did all kinds of things to put road blocks in his way. He asked if she would mind if he joined a group to work out with since she was not interested. For the next 3 Saturdays, he said he was meeting the group at the park. Again, no response from his wife. On the 4th weekend he asked her to pick him up at the park to take him home after the work out. When she came to pick him up he was sitting with 4 or 5 very young ladies having a good time. When his wife saw this, she became very interested in joining him to work out. She did question him as to why they were not there on the next weekend. He just smiled and said she must have scared them off. Truth be told, he bought the young ladies breakfast and asked them to wait until his wife showed up to take him home. I have known them for over 30 years and they do everything together. Thought you might enjoy the story. Report Inappropriate Comment

WOUBBIE 9/21/2011 12:02PM

LOL! Nothing motivates ME like proving my DH wrong! Don't get me wrong, I love the guy, but when he puts on his know-it-all cap I just HAVE to knock if off his head. Go You! Report Inappropriate Comment