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FAYEMD2B's Recent Blog Entries

Well Hello There April!

Tuesday, April 01, 2014

So it's now been a month since I decided to find my *SPARK*
In the past, success was all about numbers for me; number on the scale, number of inches lost. If I didn't lose my 10lbs a month, well I must have been failing.

This time around, I'm counting my 1st month back on Spark as a success simply because of one fact: I'm still here.




For the sake of tracking, here's my numbers for March 14:
Weight Lost= -6.6lbs
Inches Lost= -2.7'

HOWEVER:
There's some other numbers out there that I'd like to share.


I tracked my food 20/31 days in March. I haven't tracked anything in over 6 months so this was a big WIN for me.

My March Fitness minutes were 616. Now for some people, this is a drop in the bucket but again, it had been months since I'd worked out or been in the gym so WINNING. I also got some friends on board for weekly hikes so WINNING for them too emoticon

I started the WHOLE30 challenge (Paleo)!!! Discovering Paleo has opened up so many doors for me. The foods I've discovered. The number of times I cooked!!!

I journaled!! Not consistently but like I said in my first blog post, this was also something that I hadn't done in a while.

At the end of the day, this is a lifestyle change, a marathon and as long as I remember that I'm good. More than seeing the scale move (& God knows that I want THAT SCALE TO MOVE!), I really want to be consistent and committed in April.


My GOALS for April:
-Track nutrition 28/30 days
-Drink MORE H2O. 8 cups or more 15/30
-1000 fitness minutes
-Journal 2 times a week

Here's some of quotes/posts I've found super-motivational. Hope they motivate you all for an AMAZING SPARKTASTIC APRIL!!!!!





  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

YAEME79 4/10/2014 12:44AM

    Awesome Blog; Its wonderful that you noticed all the good lifestyle changes you have made.
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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PRAIRIECROCUS 4/4/2014 1:07AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SWEETZMIX 4/3/2014 1:21PM

    Great job! And the biggest success is you are still here! Good luck!

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PERSISTENTTIM 4/2/2014 11:13AM

    Great blog and goals for April. Good luck!

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EVER-HOPEFUL 4/2/2014 2:12AM

    wow love that is awesome.great blog and great results you did really well.keep on keeping on.you can do it emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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DUMBBELLE84 4/1/2014 9:33PM

  Awesome, sounds like you've found that Spark! Keep it up!

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DNJEN471 4/1/2014 9:32PM

    Great goals!!! And great success!! Way to go!!

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HOTPINKCAMARO49 4/1/2014 9:28PM

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Just Call Me Mary (Mid-week Reflections)

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

"Mary, Mary, quite contrary. How does your garden grow?" Isn't that how the nursery rhyme goes? It's been stuck in my mind ALL day, quite aptly if I do say so myself.

I don't have a garden but I can feel myself sinking into quite a contrary funk. I made the decision when I started the Whole30 challenge do to do daily weigh ins. It's something I've done in the past and its helped me stay focused. Of course last week, when the scale kept going down, down, down, I thought it was the best thing EVER! It was great to see a representation of my efforts but lo and behold, week 2 arrived.

This week the scale is all over the place, down, nowhere, even *gasp* up! Now believe you me, the workings of our bodies and fluid shifts and all that are not new to me so it wasn't as if I don't get it. I do. I guess, I didn't realize (or maybe conveniently forgot) how easy it is to get fixated on the scale. I'm going to try and write down one non-scale victory a day to counteract the weight loss blues I'm feeling.

NSV #1- I've eaten 99% clean for 12 days!!!! This may sound like a small number to some of you but for me this is a record. Even when I've lost weigh in the past, I would almost always have a bad food day or a binge once a week. Sure, I'd get right back in the saddle and restrict for a few days but I didn't feel like I was really changing my relationship with foods or how I saw food and nourishment.

Another reason I'm feeling kinda down is silly but I'll write it down because I'm sure if anyone can relate it's my SP friends is that the more I immerse myself in this healthier lifestyle, the more upset I become that I let myself get off track for so long. It's like 'WHY COULDN'T YOU DO THIS SOONER?!!!!!' Like the more I feel like this is doable, the more I wish I'd done it before and that I wouldn't have put the first 1/2 of my 20s on hold.

Another contributor to the blues, I have a big school event coming up on Friday and I'm going to see colleagues and professors that I haven't seen for about 2 years and I'm feeling bummed about my weight and size. It's supposed to be a blast but I almost talked myself out of going so I could do the comfortable thing and hide and maybepunishmyselfagainforgainingweight. Fortunately, I realized that I needed to stop that train of thought RIGHT THERE. I'm looking on the bright side of things and hopefully will blog on Friday about how AWESOME it was.

I know that this is a marathon and not a sprint. I know that I didn't put this weight on in a day or month and that it's going to take a long while to lose it. I know that I'm doing for my health and my future which is just as or even more important than my present. I know that if I continue eating clean I will see results.

Now I have to work on accepting these things. I have to translate the above knowledge to wisdom to guide my actions and it is very much a difficult battle.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NATURALLYME126 3/23/2014 9:47PM

    I saw on one of my friend's blog where she is grading herself regarding her progress and I think I am going to try that for the last week of March. I am going to give myself so many points for each thing (check out my blog I am going to do a post about it) I do this week. I hear you on the NSV and such. Its hard to always be mindful of that. Let's aim to do our best this week.

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YAEME79 3/22/2014 12:03PM

    You know exactly what to do and I believe you will accomplish your goals. I, myself rarely get on the scales and instead go by how my clothes fit.

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PRAIRIECROCUS 3/20/2014 1:56AM

    I'm sure that everyone will be glad to see you !
Relax, enjoy the soiree, and then, plan on losing some weight,
this summer ! emoticon

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DNJEN471 3/20/2014 12:10AM

    Keep up those fabulously positive thoughts!! You're doing great!!

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ALEX_V 3/19/2014 9:03PM

    It sounds like you are really trying hard. It will pay off soon! Keep going strong!

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CHERYL_ANNE 3/19/2014 8:06PM

    You'll get there. It takes time, like everything else. Keep at it and one day it will seem second-nature!

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The Cheese Did It! (Week 1 Reflection)

Thursday, March 13, 2014

This a little ( a lot?) overdue seeing how it is now day 6 of Week 2 but I wanted to stay true to my goal of journaling twice a week and reflecting on a weekly basis.

Week 1 was a little rough food and exercise wise. My only goal food wise was to eat under 1500 calories. My assumption was to stay away from words like 'can't', 'not on the diet' and 'restriction' because I've always thought that if I abstained, I would turn into a rage monster or at the very least start feeling like I was in a food famine.
This is an aside but food famine is very a interesting concept. In her Martha Beck's book 'The 4 Day Win," she states, "[When we diet] we are putting our bodies and our very deep, unconscious brains in the position of believing there is a famine." Boy, does that resonate with me!
Back to my 1st week, well I wanted to avoid this so I thought moderation was the way to go and it was okay. Until day 3 when I bought cheese to make eggplant lasagna (which is low cal and delicious!). However, cheese is and will probably always be a trigger food for me- a fact which I ignored at the time. That was the beginning of my downfall (it also didn't help that I was PMSing-sorry for the TMI!). Fast-forward a few days and I was eating off the rails, and a lot of it was just ooey gooey cheesy goodness.
To make a long story short, I weighed in on Saturday and had the audacity to be surprised when I saw a big fat goose egg.
Thankfully all my deep emotional digging the week before came in handy. I was able to take a step back and see the big picture and sit down and figure out how best to move foreword.

As difficult as it was, I decided that I need to say good bye to my trigger foods, at least for now. I'm doing the Paleo 30 day challenge and its been a really fun journey so far. I've been cooking more and trying new foods. I had a really crazy food craving in the middle of the night but I was able to redirect myself-made a yummy deconstructed BLT with some hummus and went back to bed.
From the aspect of exercise, I only exercised twice last week and this week isn't shaping to be much better. I'm not really worried about this since food has usually been my biggest challenge when it comes to a healthy lifestyle.

I'll reflect more on this week after Saturday's weigh in (Spoiler Alert-I peeked and its looking fantastic!).

Take care everyone,
~Faye






  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

EVER-HOPEFUL 3/19/2014 3:56AM

    cheese,aghh that is my biggest downfall as well.guess who went shopping yesturday and diddn´t realise till she got home that she had brought 5 differant types of cheese and do you know how many in my 5 head family actually eat cheese.,umm guess you guessed it.the worse part is i only remember conciuosly putting one of the cheeses in my shopping trolley.say´s it all.only did two lots of exercises last week.that is two more than none so that is a plus.look at it this way we all have to start somewhere and as you say you are going in the right direction.we have to deal with the mental side of things so we can move forward only by doing this can we stop the dreaded yoyo dieting.you are doing great.keep up the good work. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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LUVKARLA 3/15/2014 8:36PM

    You are doing great :) We know that this lifestyle change is not easy. We are going to have to try different things to stay on track and find things that are going to work for us. :) It sounds like you are definitely up for the challenge. I'm very proud of you.

I'm excited to see your weigh-in results.

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DNJEN471 3/13/2014 8:50AM

    We've all slipped, getting back up and dusting ourselves off, we keep moving. That's what's important. You're on the right track. Keep pushing. You're worth it!

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Weight Loss, Food and My Psyche

Sunday, March 02, 2014

It's 1 AM on Friday. I'm sitting in my dark room, downing a pint of Caramel Apple Pie Gelato (every bite tastes so good but makes me feel so bad) and trying to cope with the desolate feeling in my belly. This current binge (and lets face it, it's the middle of the night-its a binge) is the result of a combination of stress, anxiety, a realization that my fat jeans no longer fit and my sister suggesting I start going to the gym again. I'm feeling out of control and unsure and I'm attempting to silence that feeling with food.

It's 3 AM, same day, same thoughts. The ice cream clearly didn't work and I'm thinking maybe I just need to eat something else. Something salty? Maybe I should pair it with watching something mindless for an hour or two. That should fix it or at least take the edge off. 

A little voice inside me whispers that maybe, just maybe I could take the time to face this ugly jagged wound inside me that has been doing nothing but festering and growing absolutely putrid for the past few years. It's because of my weight-I know that. I've been successful in every other avenue in my life so what else can it be? With every successful weight loss in the past, I've been able to put a band-aid on it, heal the hurt temporarily (even though I convince myself its completely closed-Look all gone I shout!) just to see it split wide open when I eventually gave up and all the weight came back on. 

I've learned to ignore it. Put a happy smile on my face, laugh with my friends and family, even *GASP* make jokes at my own expense so no one does it first. Trust me, it hurts more when they do it first. (Like the time I was being silly with some friends playing tag and one close  friend remarks "It's funny when Faye is it because you know she's never going to catch you." She'll never know how much those words stung. I  haven't played tag since).  I ignore the fact that my weight, actually scratch that, how I feel about my weight, impacts me at school and public settings. It makes me shy to answer questions about health and nutrition because I don't want people to look at me and go really? You, Ms. Size 20, is going to tell me about health? You think you know more than me?( the four years of medical school and the fact I've been reading diet books since I was 12 puts the odds in my favor). I love to talk, seriously I constantly suffer verbal diarrhea and I love to meet new people but now, I hesitate because what if you just see my weight and immediately assume I have nothing to offer ( and let’s face it, why wouldn't you?) I'm a youth group leader and it is one of the most rewarding things I've ever done. I love the group of kids I work with and we talk all the time about life, love, depression, mental health, family problems, weight, health, school and everything else under the sun and I constantly encourage them to reach for the moon, the stars and beyond. I tell them they can DO anything, BE anything. I tell them to be fearless and brave and strong and to get comfortable with discomfort. But I don't follow my own advice and I constantly worry that it shows. Actions speak louder than words and I never want my own inaction to negatively impact them. Maybe I'm overthinking my own importance but these kids mean the world to me and if I'm going to use the word leader in conjunction to another human being especially ones that are young and impressionable, I have to be aware of myself and my actions.

I've digressed (talker here!) but the point is my weight no longer fits into a square box called “Thing I Will Get to Someday". So many somedays have come and gone and the only thing that’s happened is my weight and weight loss struggles has oozed into every other part of my life. Its eroded my self confidence and made me more susceptible to anxiety and depression. Its made me doubt myself in things I know I’m strong at and led me to go from a pretty positive glass half full person to the most negative Nancy. But why, I finally ask myself? Surely being overweight can’t be the root of all evil?

Suffice to say, it’s this question that led to my messy emotional stream of consciousness 1st blog post on SP! I learned some things about myself and I’m learning more everyday. I haven’t started exercising or really changing my diet yet but boy, is the mental part of this journey ON!!!!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

EVER-HOPEFUL 3/19/2014 3:48AM

    you know what they say actions speak louder than words so maybe it is time to start being active.it doesn´t have to be much it can be something fun like a game of rounders or basket ball with the kids.a disco dance with the kids an eat an apple a day compitition or who can drink the most water .things that will not only encourage you but also the kids.sometimes compition can be fun and good for you and no one really loses.it could be a simple as going on a nature trail or a tresure hunt.remember where there is a will there is a way and when ever i feel down when i start being proactive either walking or doing housework it does make me feel better just for the fact i am doing something.hope this helps.take care and keep smiling and don´t forget to let your fitgirl shine through emoticon

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YAEME79 3/10/2014 12:12AM

    Wow; awesome breakthrough; the fact that you have learned so much about you is a great sign that you will overcome your obstacles and reach your goals! I have been trying to get to know myself as well. emoticon

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LUVKARLA 3/4/2014 1:04AM

    I have taken the time to read both of your very long blogs.... We have so much in common. I also find myself hiding because of my embarrassing weight. I don't like to go out with my friends because I don't want people to see me as the fat/ugly one. A couple of years ago so skinny girl was hired at my work in a clerk level position. In addition to my regular job, I was the wellness coordinator in our office. I went around and handed out the quarterly fitness challenge and she looked me up and down and said "you're the wellness coordinator"... like because i'm fat, I can't be well....I, like you... I have been struggling with my weight for quite some time. I have read and researched more wellness information than most people. I know what to do to lose weight but until now I haven't had the right mindset to put it to use. Even though I didn't really know that girl I was hurt for a long time... shoot even now I am still a little wounded from it.

Now that i've left a too long of a message :) I want to say. You are not alone and I'm happy to have met you. emoticon Congrats on being able to start your journey with all this out in the open. You are going to succeed!

Comment edited on: 3/4/2014 1:06:11 AM

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TRANSFORM724 3/2/2014 7:59AM

    P.S---I too have been up since 2:30am because my husband was snoring so loud..I couldn't get back to bed. To channel my energy, I did some art work. This is the way I have learned to cope with things outside of emotional eating.

What do you like to do other than writing to help channel your energy? With your background, I bet you love cookbooks. Want to come up with a cook off next weekend? I can find something healthy and you find something healthy and we post it in our blog? What do you think? Let me know.

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TRANSFORM724 3/2/2014 7:49AM

    The mental part is the hardest part of the journey. Once you gain control over that, the physical falls in place. Trust that I know this first hand! emoticon



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I Don't Love Myself (Unconditionally)

Friday, February 28, 2014

In fact, as much as I don't want to use the H word, I'm pretty sure I hate myself at times. If I'd have to describe the relationship between me, myself and I at its worst, I'd have to admit its a pretty nasty one filled with abuse-both verbal and mental and punctuated with doubt and apathy. Its the type of relationship I swore I'd never be in with another human being and the type of relationship, I'd probably break all sorts of laws to get a friend out of.


So why is it okay for me to subject myself to this? To call myself fat, ugly, stupid, worthless when I'm already feeling down? To tell myself I'm not worthy getting out of bed, not worth love, not worth happiness on my darkest days? To say to myself 'this is the life you will always live-a fat, lonely one so why even bother' when what I need the most is to give myself some love and encouragement? When I'm feeling down, I don't allow myself to do fun things. I recently went on a fantastic international trip with family and friends and I was (subconsciously) determined to punish myself for being back at over 240 lbs. I didn't try on any clothes (because in my head I was already too big and denied myself a once in a lifetime oppurtunity to ride a camel (In my mind, it was yet another activity not meant for FAT girls like me). I almost never recognize it in the moment, but I'm the queen of punishment, denial (everything except for food) and self-flagellation. One of the most interesting things I've ever read about yo yo dieters and people with weight issues is that as a whole if you take a lot at us, we're a pretty disciplined group. So many of us are crazy successful in other parts of our lives (for example Oprah, amazing at her job but also famous for being in a constant battle with her weight for more than 2 decades) . We've accomplished our professional goals because we are able to focus on the big picture and tell ourselves that the little sacrifices we make now will be worth it in the long run. But when it comes to weight, food, diet? We call quits, we self sabotage, we fail


The really sad part is that this mean drill sergeant abusive style self-talk is the reason why I'm continuing to gain weight and why it gets easier and easier to sink into the abyss of depression and harder and harder to shake it off. The crazy thing is my personality errs on the side of Tigger not Eeyore but honestly, these past few months, I've been more down than up. And worse, I've become resigned to it.

Other than my youth group, my love of kids and teens is evident in my career choice. I'm in my final months, weeks actually of school to become a physician-a healer of body and mind, and I've decided to be a pediatrician. I love kids, love teenagers, warts and all and want nothing more than to dedicate my life to helping them reach their physical, emotion and spiritual potential. It's just, the more I feel down, the more I feel I'm letting these kids down, even though they can't see it. I feel it when I awkwardly initiate weight talk with an obese 13 year old who clearly needs to change her health habits but I worry that I'm not as effective because of my own clear weight issues. I felt it when, my best friend's 15 year old sister, tried to commit suicide. Thankfully her family intervened and got her the help she needed, immediately and more long term. I went to visit her when she was in the hospital a month ago and though she was open to talking to a therapist, she was so angry and so distrustful. She felt like her family and community failed her. I've been wanting to see her and talk to her and shake her and tell her how beautiful and smart and awesome she is and how it would've have been the biggest loss to her family, friends and community if she'd managed to take her life but I haven't. I truly believe this- but I haven't reached out to her yet, because although I've thankfully never been suicidal, I worry that she'll see past my smiles and from one lost soul to another, recognize the hopelessness in me and call me out. That in her teenage wisdom and brutal honesty, see that I struggle to believe those things about myself and think that I'm yet another adult trying to pull the wool over her eyes. Sometimes, I think the solution is to keep to myself and just avoid all of this.

But I know that's not the answer. Avoidance may appear easier but it's not the answer.

So what is the answer? I have to learn to love me. I have to learn to appreciate me. I have to learn to honor my mind, my body, my heart and my soul. I have to remind myself that life is a gift. That this body I have, all 240+ pounds of it? It's a gift. I have to get up every morning and remind myself I'm smart. I finished high school at 16 didn't I? I have to remind myself I'm kind, compassionate. My family, my friends, my patients have all testified to this and doesn't that count for something? I need to remind myself that I do serve a purpose as a youth group leader; that I've read so many college applications and written letters of recommendation for internships. That I once sat in an ER room for hours with a kid who, for many reasons, needed to be admitted to the psychiatric ward but wouldn't do it without support. That I'm brave and strong, for being willing to start again even though I've fallen oh so many times. That the girl that I see in the mirror is beautiful, even though she weighs over 240 lbs because she's the one that's going to do all the hard work to get to the fit, healthy me of the future.

I'm not very good at loving myself but I'm willing to learn.

To me, more than the weight loss, this is what this journey is all about.


  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

EVER-HOPEFUL 3/19/2014 3:38AM

    wow,you are stronger,braver and more beautiful than you know and you know what i think you will be able to help your friends sister more than you know as you can put yourself in her shoes ,you know how she feels etc,maybe her knowing that might make her feel better ,that she is not the only one who feels this way and that sometimes it is normal to have theese feelings.by talking your feeling over with one another you might even be able to help one another.knowing you have this problem is half the battle actually doing something to cxhange it is another battle but with out knowing this problem first you can´t change it.spark people is a good place to help you feel good about yourself and to increase your own self esteem.i guess you are now on the right path to working on yours.thank you for sharing a part of you hear on this blog that took courage.you can do this. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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TRANSFORM724 3/2/2014 7:41AM

    Armed for battle is the truth!!! And in any battle, you need people in your camp that will uplift you when you need it not use that opportunity to break you down. I have learned this for myself and have removed many from my circle so I may get to being the person I need to be for my well being. You are not alone! Always remember that. emoticon

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FAYEMD2B 2/28/2014 11:14PM

    Thanks so much for the encouraging words and advice gals!! I love to write and journaling has always been therapeutic for me. Unfortunately, part of being down for me means losing all motivation to write. Last night I forced myself to put words to paper and call myself out on some hard truths. It was all stream of consciousness and it was scary to see it on paper because it was such a juxtaposition to the confident bubbly outspoken person I am on the outside. As silly as it sounds, I'd never realized how gosh darn mean I am to myself and how this meanness and negativity translates to other aspects of my life. Like yes Faye you want to go to the gym; is calling yourself names the best way to get there?
After some picture therapy, trying to replace my negative words with positives and admitting that I am a work in progress, I had a lovely day today. I know they're will be setbacks and that it'll be easy to fall into bad habits but after that purge of a blog post I'm prepared to embrace this journey and armed for battle. I'm glad to do it with kind and understanding SP members like you all by my side.
Thanks so much,
~Faye

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SINGINGLADY47 2/28/2014 5:24PM

    I am assuming you name is Faye. My name is Judi. (Singinglady47). I know what it is like to feel worthless. I am going to invite you to go to my Sparkpage and I want you to pull up my blog which was reposted just last week. (2-24-14) The title of the blog is YOU ARE WORTHLESS. I want you to read it. I know, I know, you probably don't want to but I implore you to DO IT ANYWAY. Where you are right now, you probably don't want to hear that you have any worth at all. I have been there. Once I was so depressed that when my best friend said to me "Smile, it is a beautiful day, the sun is shining.....blah blah." Right? Do you know what I said to my best friend that day. "Go to H***!!" I was not ready to give up those feelings. But since that time, I have discovered why I felt that way and I am so thankful that all that happened. I would not be who I am today if I had not had those feelings back then. PLEASE READ THE BLOG. I feel you sinking and there is an answer. I ate my way to 357 pounds because I felt I was worthless. I now weigh 123. If you want me to help you, I will try. You can always Sparkmail me. There is a way out, just waiting for you to open the door. Reach out. Judi emoticon

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RAYLINSTEPHENS 2/28/2014 2:21PM

    Everyone has good traits - we just have to learn to appreciate the good in ourselves.

A long time ago Reader's Digest had something like, if you want people to love you, you must set a good example for others to follow.

Treat yourself well - you deserve it.
emoticon emoticon

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BOBCATGIRL76 2/28/2014 12:29PM

    You are SO worth it.

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JULS_MARIE 2/28/2014 9:56AM

    I'm really sorry to see that you feel this way, please know that you will learn to love yourself the more you recognize that you currently don't! It will take a lot of work and you might even sink deeper before you start.. you will go back and forth with doubting yourself, but every day, every choice is an opportunity to learn to love yourself a little more.

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TRANSFORM724 2/28/2014 8:37AM

    Never give up. It is a daily battle to switch from negative self talk to positive self talk especially if this is not normal to us. I know because I began doing the same thing. I'll send you a private message to share more. Just know that you don't have to be alone with this and THIS YEAR you can begin to change the pattern--one day at a time starting with TODAY.

emoticon

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MAUREENREDUX 2/28/2014 6:11AM

    One day at a time. Easy to say. Hard to do. But so worth it.

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SHAKI247 2/28/2014 5:40AM

    Hugz I read this recently, "If I am not good to myself, how can I expect anyone else to be good to me?"

The first step is knowing and you know, I wish you the very best of luck in all that you do emoticon emoticon

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GHOSTFLAMES 2/28/2014 5:28AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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