Thursday, July 30, 2009
I haven't been on spark for over a month. Been busy and haven't been doing much with diet or exercise. But I wanted to take a moment to thank everyone for the great birthday wishes. It will take me a while, but I will do my best to get to all of your pages to thank you personally. I appreciate your taking the time to send best wishes my way even though I haven't been active. I really appreciate it!!!
Thursday, April 23, 2009
When I say I have nothing to wear that fits, I actually mean just that. Nothing. I'm not exaggerating. I'm not stretching the truth. I mean am busting out of everything I own. Even my exercise pants are to small. They roll down off my stomach like pantyhose that are to tight...as do my jeans and my khakis.
I look like I'm 14 months pregnant. That also is NOT an exaggeration. Even though I have weighed more, I think my stomach is bigger than it's ever been. My stomach now enters a room before I do. I get this wonderful genetic trait from my Dad's side of the family. I'm built just like my Dad and his Mom (my Grandmother)...which my dh has told me he does not find attractive. Who could blame him, I don't find it attractive either and neither does anyone else on the planet. I feel like I've pulled a bait and switch on him because I've put on a hundred pounds plus since we were married. I've lost and gained more than I can count. If I'm not losing, I'm gaining. I'm never one weight for more than 20 seconds. I think watching The Food Network even causes me to gain weight. It's ridiculous.
I have been asked if I'm pregnant from every weight from 120 to 200+ because of my build. I dO look like I'm pregnant. And there is NO hiding it at this point. I'm embarrassed to go out in public because a year and a half ago I was 30-40lbs lighter and I'm really afraid that anyone that sees me will think I am pregnant and ask that dreaded question that I HATE! No one wants to be asked if they are pregnant when they aren't. I don't have kids and I don't want kids and I think it's natures cruel joke that I've looked like I'm in some stage of pregnancy my entire adult life.
I don't think I've ever had a flat stomach. I hate my body for that reason & have always been self conscious of it. That and also because every bite I take has the potential to make me gain weight. If I'm not a little hungry all the time, I am gaining weight. In other words, if I eat till I'm full, the scale goes up, a lot, and quickly. It doesn't matter if I eat veggies or cheesecake but if I eat till I'm full, I'm fat and getting fatter.
Every time I lose weight and think this is it, I've figured it out, this is the final time, I'll never go back "there" again...here I go, marching right back up the scale AGAIN! It's like my body just wants to be obese. My stomach is actually getting in the way of my exercising and restricting my movement. It's sO gross!...and I'm so sick of it.
I have to find something to wear to go out of town next weekend to a meeting to represent an organization in which I am acting Treasurer for the next term. Right now I'm asking myself why I took the position. I sO dread trying to find something to wear. And I dread going because I know I am going to be sO uncomfortable around hundreds of women who I imagine will all be plucked, pruned, manicured and stuffed into their finest for the weekend.
Today our cable ad executive called and wants me to be on their talk show to do a feature about our business. The last thing I want to do right now is go on camera and look ANOTHER 15lbs heavier.
My weight is getting in the way of my life. Because I'm embarrassed and ashamed of the way I look I don't want to go out and do anything. Fun, work or otherwise. DH keeps asking me where I want to go on vacation this year and I don't want to go anywhere looking and feeling like this.
I am exercising...again. And I am watching my portions...again. But I don't know if it will work or even stick this time. Why would it? It hasn't any other time. I'm sO sick of riding this roller coaster. It's like I've got a life pass. I want off the ride but I can't find the exit.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
So I just finished the 68 minute Cardioke workout by Billy Blanks, Jr. (Tae Bo, Sr's son) and his wife. It is reminiscent of the videos with Richard Simmons in that he uses regular folks that aren't perfect and don't all dance so well which adds another level of entertainment and comfort. But that is where the similarities end. This dvd is more like, Sweatin to the Oldies on Red Bull and uses more current dance tracks like, "Don't you wish your g/f was hot like me." It's also karaoke in that you sing along with the music. Singing along is not only fun but helps build stamina. (No mic needed).
When I put this dvd in, I expected it to be a fun little *read easy* dance party. Well it's a fun dance party that kicked my butt. BB, Jr. got his Dad's Tae Bo intensity. It's a lot of fun but I was huffing and puffing, which is a good thing. Because it's dancing you can put your own flavor in it and keeps it relaxed.
BB, Jr. and his wife also have a very encouraging and motivating style just like BB, Sr. does in his Tae Bo dvds. I really like this aspect of the workout.
You can program the dvd to do just the sections you want so you don't have to do all 68 minutes every time. A nice feature.
I will definitely do this workout again. It's a little corny but it's also fun. It's a nice change of pace from more serious dvds like, The Firm. But like, 'Sweatin' - anyone can do it!
"Let's get it started in here, lets get it started, ha!"
Sunday, April 12, 2009
What tha?! That is a number I SWORE I'd never see between my toes again, yet tonight on my scale, there it was staring up at me. I knew working on our taxes would take it's toll. All those hours. Working through the night for weeks on end. But, 200 lbs, ridiculous!
Helen said this week on the biggest loser that she felt like she let herself down and she is tired of doing that. Tears sprung into my eyes because that is the exact same thing I have done time and time again. I HATE being fat. HATE IT! Yet here I sit. FAT!
Because I've been locked in this house working on taxes for what feels like forever, dh wanted to take me out to dinner tonight. I literally could not find anything in my closet that didn't make me look 10 months pregnant. I am NOT exaggerating even a little. I wish I was. I finally gave up on trying to look nice and grabbed my fat jeans and a long sleeve t-shirt. Needless to say I did not feel cute. I felt HORRIBLE.
When dh got home he would not let me out of the door until I told him what was wrong. I said, "I hate myself, alright?! You've been after me to tell you what is wrong with me and that is it. I hate absolutely everything about myself." He hugged me and during the course of our conversation told me that he's fat too and that no one is perfect. He also told me I looked nice as we were walking in the restaurant. A bit of a stretch, but I appreciated the sentiment.
I was working out and doing so much better on my eating before I had to hunker down on taxes. It turned out to be much more time intensive and involved than I had anticipated. I told myself I would do whatever it took to get through it and that after taxes were done, I would turn my focus onto myself. I can be very intense and driven when I want to be, and need to be....which is how I got our taxes done.
Monday is d-day. I actually enjoy healthy foods and love to exercise - I just don't EVER put myself first, and when I do, I never stay there long. It's my turn. I told dh that if anyone says to me, "I wish I had time to workout" or even suggests that I should be doing something 'better' with my time or that I'm not doing as much as him because I'm selfishly spending time on myself, that I might just punch them between the eyes. His family is notorious for this. I mean geez!, what is wrong with being healthy and taking care of myself?!?! My Dad has diabetes and high blood pressure as did his Mom. I'm built just like them. That is my fate if I don't get this gut under control. I keep watching shows like, The Biggest Loser, The Last Ten Pounds, & Bulging Brides. I want to feel success again like those people.
Tomorrow night we are going grocery shopping. I can't wait. I'm so ready to eat better and feel better and move more. I've actually been craving things like strawberries and protein shakes. I have several new workout systems that I haven't had time to use yet like, Kettlenetics & transFIRMation Cardio Weights. I also got a gift card for Easter and used it to order some other fitness DVDs that I wanted (& a couple that Bree suggested!).
Thanks to everyone who stuck by me & sent messages and goodies during tax prep. I appreciated your encouragement. I will be more active again, but not too active. I need to get to bed earlier and spend more time working out than sitting on my backside!
I feel like such a failure for gaining this weight back - but I'm only REALLY a failure if I quit and give up. Here's to never giving up.
Saturday, March 07, 2009
I was looking at my photo gallery today at the pics of me in my twenties. I would love to have THAT body back. The one where I only had what I considered one trouble spot - my belly. At that time Jane Fonda & Jamie Lee Curtis's super, board flat stomach were the rage - not like now when Brittney, Kim & J-Lo have made it OK to have a little flesh there. Now my trouble spots are my belly PLUS my arms, thighs, butt, back and everywhere else you can have a trouble spot. But then when I weighed, 118 - 128, I thought I had to weigh, 100-110, so I was always fighting it and never happy.
Over the years since I have been all over the scale. Up and down untold times. Almost never stationary. I'm either gaining or losing. I have wasted so much time and energy fighting and hating my body and the way I look at any given weight. Never satisfied.
If I knew then what I know now, I would have never gained the weight and I would have enjoyed the body that I had. What I can do now is take what I do know now and stop the cycle. I can use what I now know and stop wasting time battling the scale. Instead of wasting more time fat and hating my body and waking up ANOTHER year later not happy with the way I look, I can do something about it NOW.
I know what it takes for me to lose weight. I have to eat less than anyone I know. It's not fun, and I don't like it, but unfortunately it's the way my body functions. I have to stop pouting about it and wishing it was different - accept it and deal with it. In order to lose weight and keep it off, I have to walk, A LOT. Other exercises help of course, but for some reason walking works best for my body to release the weight.
I have started to track my food. I love the new nutrition tracker that charts what I'm doing right and where I need to improve. I save most of my calories for supper because I know dh and I are going to eat a big meal together. I've stopped snacking late at night. I think I tend to want to eat then because it is when I am finally relaxing and food helps me to relax. I KNOW that is THE MAIN THING that halts my progress and sends me marching right back up the scale, so I have cut it out. I have started moving more. Come Monday morning I am planning to start pounding the pavement. I've started getting up from my desk and moving during the day. I have several of the, "10 Minute Solution" exercise dvd series. Those bursts help to keep my sluggish metabolism moving and they are fun!
This is my program. It works whenever I follow it. This week I'm done with four pounds by making these simple changes. I'm looking forward to burning up my ticker in the months to come.
I have been dealing with some very serious, life changing & often overwhelming issues over the past several years that have caused me to turn to food for comfort, but those things have been resolved. I have no more excuses. Reading your blogs and seeing your progress and receiving your support and encouragement have motivated me to get my Spark on too. It's been snuffed out for way too long.
Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. - Goethe
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