Friday, March 04, 2011
posted as a comment on a blog about one of my cats, I still laugh when I read it (written by Field Marshall Montgomery, her sister's cat, and who lived through the aftermath of this episode):
pale and nice
sleeps gently with peace
here, I will projectile brown vomit
on her hair,face, pillow,wall
She is still sleeping
I will not tell her
--Field Marshall Monty Montgomery
Thursday, March 03, 2011
I suspect I have bathroom issues. Not me personally but issues with how other people use bathrooms. I blame my mother for giving me this complex.
Her bladder is the size of the Goodyear blimp. Mine is the size of a pea. She would pick me up from college, load me up with Coke & refuse to stop until we got home 2 hours later. She didn't have to go to the bathroom so I shouldn't have to go either. She claims to be able to drive the 11 hours between my house and hers without having to stop and go a single time - she's proud that the car needs gas before she needs to use a bathroom.
I had a boss once, back in the late 90s, who would talk on his cell phone while he was using the bathroom. Not just while IN the bathroom, but while USING it. The phone had a good microphone.
At least we knew he washed his hands.
Then there are the "pees & flees". The ones who use the bathroom and don't wash their hands. Or, knowing they are being watched, run their fingertips under water for 2 seconds, shake off the water and bolt for the door. We have at least one of those (female) I have personally identified at work, probably more.
Once I walked into the bathroom at a previous employer during my lunch hour. Standing at the sink was a coworker...naked from the waist up. She said she went walking and was sweaty so was using the paper towels to wash off. Maybe it's just me but being half naked in a communal bathroom in the place you work is just not something you do. And certainly not something you ever expect to walk in on.
Once I was so desperate I stopped and used a gas station bathroom at one of the last exits before getting to the Atlanta airport. Think of every stereotyped cliche of gas station bathrooms and this was it times 10, but I was beyond desperate. I set a women's world record for how fast I finished and how few breaths I had to take...until the door wouldn't open. For 10 minutes I was stuck in this incredibly nasty bathroom pounding on the steel door (while conversely trying not to actually touch it) screaming for help before I was able to pry it open. Then the guy inside the gas station says "Hey, were you yelling or something?"
Someone in my home has lately been depositing used toilet paper in the garbage can instead of putting it in the toilet. This same individual also apparently no longer understands about flushing the toilet and sees nothing wrong with wanting to unload the dishwasher immediately after pulling a "pee & flee". I end up washing dishes A LOT.
One lady I work with talks on her cell phone while using the bathroom. I guess because she's speaking in another language it doesn't matter about the background noise.
And let's not forget about the "sprinklers". The ones who drip on the toilet seat or floor and leave it there. And not just urine either. We have at least one of those at work currently, possibly more. Fortunately there are 7 or 8 stalls but this woman does not seem to like using the same stall twice (wonder why??) so by the end of the day finding a stall to use is sometimes challenging. Our "cleaning" service doesn't seem to do a whole lot of actual cleaning in the bathroom either.
I refuse to fly Air France any more. I always seem to get a seat right next to a bathroom. Their food does not sit well with some American stomachs and they won't let me use the oxygen mask so I can breathe untainted air.
My dog, like all dogs, enjoys drinking from the toilet. He also thinks the cat litter box is a candy buffet or something. He is a dog, he is stupid, I should not be surprised (cats rule, dogs drool!).
Wednesday, March 02, 2011
This public service announcement was paid for by the Committee of Concerned Size 12 Clothing.
Our bitter enemies, the Scale Gremlins, have not given up the fight. Their sole objective is to topple the ever-shrinking Empire of Fangfacekitty. We must be constantly vigilant in order to protect our borders and not regain the ground we have lost!
Our empire's premier interrogator Sergeant Pre-Teen Daughter has learned from captured (and duly executed) Girl Scout Cookies that the evil Scale Gremlins are massing for another full-scale attack from their exile in the land of Freakishly Thin Supermodels, on no other day than the holy Fat Tuesday!
They have obtained new allies, the Pączki tribe from the Polish Bakeries. They plan to strike early, at the start of the work day when our resistance is low.
We therefore call on all Citizens of the Empire to train hard and be prepared to report for battle. General Treadmill, the Hero of the Battle of the Cookies, is still on the job and planning our defense. Our front line troops, Wii and Zumba, have survived ambush by the Subway Cookie mercenaries and prevailed without suffering any losses. Forewarned is forearmed - we will survive this new challenge and defeat the evil Scale Gremlins and their allies!
The new enemy:
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Some of the websites I use most often, in no particular order or reason (I've left out the shopping & coupon sites):
Nutrition Data - to get the full listing of vitamins / minerals for foods
Goodsearch.com - search engine that donates money to your specified charity for every web search done; you can also search for images & videos and do shopping; the sites you link to for shopping will also donate money to your charity.
Breast Cancer Site.com - click the button once a day and the sponsors pay for mammograms for women who need them; also has tabs for Hunger, Literacy, Rainforest, Animal Rescue, Child Health charities. Shop the stores for additional money to be donate; sign petitions, etc.
Deals of the day - both in general and specific to your geographic area:
Woot.com; Groupon; Living Social; Daily Grommet
Psycho Ex Wife.com - because I, too, have a psycho ex and it is good to know I am not alone
Trading books - Swap & Paperback swap; trade books, games, dvds, cds
Supercook.com - enter in the ingredients you have & it will find recipes you can make; you can filter on specific ingredients only or leave it open to everything
Mrexcel.com - help for using Microsoft Excel & Access
Alice.com - "because everyone needs an Alice!" buy household items for pretty much the same cost as in the stores & they ship them to you for free
Milford Spices - hand dried / prepared spices, some of which you can't find in your regular store
Fiverr.com - sell your skills or buy others for only $5 per job. "The place for people to share things they're willing to do for $5"
Mturk.com - associated with Amazon.com, perform web tasks to earn money. I only go on occasionally but can earn enough after a few hours here & there to buy a book.
A Place Between Us - find a place to meet someone halfway between your locations
Thursday, February 24, 2011
13 THINGS YOUR BURGLAR WON'T TELL YOU
1. Of course I look familiar. I was here just last week cleaning your carpets, painting your shutters, or delivering your new refrigerator.
2. Hey, thanks for letting me use the bathroom when I was working in your yard last week. While I was in there, I unlatched the back window to make my return a little easier.
3. Love those flowers. That tells me you have taste... and taste means there are nice things inside. Those yard toys your kids leave out always make me wonder what type of gaming system they have.
4. Yes, I really do look for newspapers piled up on the driveway. And I might leave a pizza flyer in your front door to see how long it takes you to remove it..
5. If it snows while you're out of town, get a neighbor to create car and foot tracks into the house.. Virgin drifts in the driveway are a dead giveaway.
6. If decorative glass is part of your front entrance, don't let your alarm company install the control pad where I can see if it's set. That makes it too easy.
7. A good security company alarms the window over the sink. And the windows on the second floor, which often access the master bedroom - and your jewelry. It's not a bad idea to put motion detectors up there too.
8. It's raining, you're fumbling with your umbrella, and you forget to lock your door - understandable. But understand this: I don't take a day off because of bad weather.
9. I always knock first. If you answer, I'll ask for directions somewhere or offer to clean your gutters. (Don't take me up on it.)
10. Do you really think I won't look in your sock drawer? I always check dresser drawers, the bedside table, and the medicine cabinet.
11. Here's a helpful hint: I almost never go into kids' rooms.
12. You're right: I won't have enough time to break into that safe where you keep your valuables. But if it's not bolted down, I'll take it with me.
13. A loud TV or radio can be a better deterrent than the best alarm system. If you're reluctant to leave your TV on while you're out of town, you can buy a $35 device that works on a timer and simulates the flickering glow of a real television. (Find it athttp://www.faketv/.com/)
8 MORE THINGS A BURGLAR WON'T TELL YOU:
1. Sometimes, I carry a clipboard. Sometimes, I dress like a lawn guy and carry a rake. I do my best to never, ever look like a crook.
2. The two things I hate most: loud dogs and nosy neighbors.
3. I'll break a window to get in, even if it makes a little noise. If your neighbor hears one loud sound, he'll stop what he's doing and wait to hear it again. If he doesn't hear it again, he'll just go back to what he was doing. It's human nature.
4. I'm not complaining, but why would you pay all that money for a fancy alarm system and leave your house without setting it?
5. I love looking in your windows. I'm looking for signs that you're home, and for flat screen TVs or gaming systems I'd like. I'll drive or walk through your neighborhood at night, before you close the blinds, just to pick my targets.
6. Avoid announcing your vacation on your Facebook page. It's easier than you think to look up your address.
7. To you, leaving that window open just a crack during the day is a way to let in a little fresh air. To me, it's an invitation.
8. If you don't answer when I knock, I try the door. Occasionally, I hit the jackpot and walk right in.
Sources: Convicted burglars in North Carolina , Oregon , California , and Kentucky ; security consultant Chris McGoey, who runs http://www.crimedoctor.com/ and Richard T. Wright, a criminology professor at the University of Missouri-St. Louis, who interviewed 105 burglars for his book Burglars on the Job.
Protection for you and your home:
If you don't have a gun, here's a more humane way to wreck someone's evil plans for you.
A friend who is a receptionist in a church in a high risk area was concerned about someone coming into the office on Monday to rob them when they were counting the collection. She asked the local police department about using pepper spray and they recommended to her that she get a can of wasp spray instead.
The wasp spray, they told her, can shoot up to twenty feet away and is a lot more accurate, while with the pepper spray, they have to get too close to you and could overpower you. The wasp spray temporarily blinds an attacker until they get to the hospital for an antidote. She keeps a can on her desk in the office and it doesn't attract attention from people like a can of pepper spray would. She also keeps one nearby at home for home protection.. Thought this was interesting and might be of use.
FROM ANOTHER SOURCE:
On the heels of a break-in and beating that left an elderly woman in Toledo dead, self-defense experts have a tip that could save your life.
Val Glinka teaches self-defense to students at Sylvania Southview High School . For decades, he's suggested putting a can of wasp and hornet spray near your door or bed.
Glinka says, "This is better than anything I can teach them."
Glinka considers it inexpensive, easy to find, and more effective than mace or pepper spray. The cans typically shoot 20 to 30 feet; so if someone tries to break into your home, Glinka says, "spray the culprit in the eyes". It's a tip he's given to students for decades. It's also one he wants everyone to hear. If you're looking for protection, Glinka says look to the spray.
"That's going to give you a chance to call the police; maybe get out." Maybe even save a life.
Put your car keys beside your bed at night.
Tell your spouse, your children, your neighbors, your parents, your Dr.'s office, the check-out girl at the market, everyone you run across. Put your car keys beside your bed at night.
If you hear a noise outside your home or someone trying to get in your house, just press the panic button for your car. The alarm will be set off, and the horn will continue to sound until either you turn it off or the car battery dies. This tip came from a neighborhood watch coordinator. Next time you come home for the night and you start to put your keys away, think of this: It's a security alarm system that you probably already have and requires no installation. Test it. It will go off from most everywhere inside your house and will keep honking until your battery runs down or until you reset it with the button on the key fob chain. It works if you park in your driveway or garage. If your car alarm goes off when someone is trying to break into your house, odds are the burglar/rapist won't stick around. After a few seconds all the neighbors will be looking out their windows to see who is out there and sure enough the criminal won't want that. And remember to carry your keys while walking to your car in a parking lot. The alarm can work the same way there. This is something that should really be shared with everyone. Maybe it could save a life or a sexual abuse crime.
I am sending this to everyone I know because I think it is fantastic. Would also be useful for any emergency, such as a heart attack, where you can't reach a phone. My Mom has suggested to my Dad that he carry his car keys with him in case he falls outside and she doesn't hear him. He can activate the car alarm and then she'll know there's a problem.
Please pass this on even IF you've read it before. It's a reminder.
Please share this with all the people in your life.
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