Tuesday, February 15, 2011
In January the evil Scale Gremlin empire made an incursion against Fangfacekitty’s resolve. This brief border violation was quickly and decisively repelled and the Scale Gremlins retreated, using the excuse that one of them had merely misread the map during standard military maneuvers.
All was quiet for a month. Fangfacekitty celebrated her victory as it appeared the Gremlins had learned their lesson and were off hiding, licking their wounds.
Alas, the Gremlins were planning a new attack. Quickly training an elite force they launched a diversionary feint, sending in their favorite sons, the Pumpkin White Chocolate Chip Cookie brigade, as a peace offering between the two empires.
Catching Fangfacekitty unawares the evil Scale Gremlins scored a victory! Fangfacekitty gained 2 pounds. The evil Scale Gremlins rejoiced.
Being creatures of habit they tried the same tactic again. The gauntlet had been thrown down and Fangfacekitty knew it was war. She held them off and turned to her allies.
But the Gremlins were resourceful and had allies of their own, the Misguided Girl Scout Cookies. Coordinated by the Gremlins, Fangfacekitty and her allies faced simultaneous attacks by Misguided Girl Scout Cookies’ armies of Samoas, Thin Mints and Peanut Butter Patties.
Under siege the allies could spare no support for Fangfacekitty as they fought to hold their own borders inviolate.
Realizing lives were at stake Fangfacekitty took 2 prisoners. Under threats of torture the Samoas revealed the Gremlins’ battle plans. Not being a signatory to the Geneva Convention Fangfacekitty ate the prisoners once all information was extracted from them. And Fangfacekitty rejoiced because damn, they were good.
But Fangfacekitty was now privy to what was coming next. The Pumpkin White Chocolate Chip Cookie brigade had regrouped and was planning an ambush for that evening. Quickly instituting a draft Fangfacekitty’s legions of vegetables, exercise videos and Wii games were whipped into shape by the cagey General Treadmill. Spark Friends and Size 12 pants lined the parade route cheering encouragement as Fangfacekitty’s army marched off to the battle.
With a sneaky flank attack the Gremlins thought they would win. It certainly looked that way when the brothers Colonels Wii Remote and Wii Nunchuck were discovered to be collaborators, sabotaging Rhythm Parade to cause the lowest scores ever recorded in Fangfacekitty’s empire.
The troops, however, were loyal and brought down the collaborators, forcing Colonel Wii Remote to undergo battery replacement while Colonel Wii Nunchuck watched.
Fighting became vicious. Thin Mints and Samoas were devoured by ravaging packs of teenagers. With Turtle the Cat scouting enemy positions from her aerial post on top of the refrigerator Munchie the Dog lived up to his name and munched 3 of the Pumpkin White Chocolate Chip Cookie brigade, causing the rest to flee for their lives.
The battle waged throughout the night, until finally….Victory! Survivors were rounded up into prison camps, awaiting execution by 8th grade Social Studies teacher. With their forces captured or in retreat the evil Scale Gremlins seek asylum in the land of Freakishly Thin Supermodels who Claim to Never Exercise & Only Eat Pizza & Whoppers yet Never Gain Weight.
Fangfacekitty rejoices yet knows she must remain ever vigilant. Enemy soldiers escaped capture and vow to continue the fight. They hide in the freezer and have infiltrated the allies and will attempt the Ambush of Coworkers’ Community Food Offerings. The draft remains in effect, until the last of the Evil Scale Gremlins and Misguided Girl Scout Cookies have been defeated and consumed.