Wednesday, March 10, 2010
I have lost all my motivation. For anything.
I was checking out one of the teams today and it had as one of the challenges to write one thing you liked about yourself each day (or week, can't remember which). I couldn't do it. I don't like anything about myself. I am fat. I have always been the one everyone calls ugly. I am considered stupid, not because I don't have any brainpower, but because of the way I look, my soft voice, and the way I walk (can't figure the last one other than I don't walk fast anymore and have no bounce to my step because I was told all my life that it was the wrong thing to do). I don't have any confidence to do anything. So I can't.
I thought I finally had things worked out so I could let my dogs both be out with me. That didn't work out. They got in a fight today again. So people will put me down because no matter what I do they always fight. I just can't do anything right, so I have no motivation to even try.
If I ever get any happiness again, maybe I will blog. Otherwise, I don't feel like blogging again and ruining everyone's day. I'm sorry to be so down all the time.
Saturday, March 06, 2010
I have been trying not to eat at all today but for the two pieces of toast I ate for breakfast. I didn't make it. I was starving by 2:30. I don't know how I am going to make it for 2 full days + the end of this month.
I want to lose 10-15 pounds by Monday (just for the day that much with slower losses after that day), but tomorrow I found out we will be going to a Italian restaurant after church. I don't eat pasta but a little bit of spaghetti once in a while, so won't have a lot of that, but anything I end up with at a restaurant seems to end up too many calories, too many carbs and too much to eat. Maybe I can take a water pill for the night.
I just cannot quit the emotional eating or the carb eating. I am also anemic now, probably because I cannot absorb the proper nutrients like what it takes to make the hemoglobin. I can always absorb the fat and calories, though. I don't know what to do. I go up 5 pounds or more in one day. And I am tired of being treated like I am stupid and dirt for people to walk on.
Someone wrote that they were sure glad to have friends to support them. I am thankful for my friend, too. Yes, one friend who will always be there when I need a friend or help. The others usually just ignore me unless there is a complete emergency that needs fixed in the house or the house will be ruined. Without Anne, I would permanently be stuck in the house, unable to even go get groceries.
Friday, March 05, 2010
Yesterday I got a notice that nothing I wrote down on an application matched my driver's license. Most of it was because they put the number in wrong, but they said my license was invalid. Four years ago I got a ticket for something I didn't do. I had a court date to fight it, but the judge told me that nothing I got for proof could be used for my defense. He changed the court date when the deputy didn't show up. He told me then that if something came up that I couldn't possibly make that date all I had to do was call. I did more than that to make sure I did everything right.
I was diagnosed right after that with cancer that was advanced to the state that they would not wait to operate. I told them that I would have to wait until after the court date and they said there was no way to wait. They wrote a letter to the court and I took it down there. I was told then that the date would be rescheduled. I had major surgery for stage 4 cancer. When I got home I called for the new court date. I was told I was going to be arrested. I finally got the new date.
Last nightI got the letter that my driver's license was invalid and today I was told that it had been cancelled before my court date because I hadn't paid the fine. I paid the fine, though. They never did anything about stopping the cancellation of the drivers license. I NEVER got anything telling me anything had been done on my license in the first place. For 4 years I have been driving without a license and didn't know it. Today I have been trying to find out what I need to do. I got the proof that the fine had been paid, but I was charged $95 to get permission to go reapply for a NEW license. Mine was cancelled like I had never had one in the first place. I have been treated rudely by every place I have tried to find out information at, including when I was told I had to pay $95. Even my friend who had to come 20 miles to pick me up and take me around was treated rudely there.
I guess maybe I shouldnt' vent here, but it has me so upset that I ate 1/4 carton of ice cream on top of the other ice cream I ate earlier. I am so upset that I cannot do anything. The cops in Colorado all think that they have a badge and now they can do whatever they want and no one can do anything about it. In Denver they have been shooting unarmed people at will and they don't get any discipline. The ones that got caught beating a guy up who was already down and in handcuffs were only charged after the news cameraman who had caught the act on film turned it over to the Grand Jury. The DA had already said the cops did NOTHING wrong. What had the guy done wrong? He ran a light on his bike and then when these plain clothes cops ran after him without identifying themselves he flipped one's hat off.
I NEVER did anything wrong. I had just pulled onto the highway in a 55 zone and was doing around 48. The ONLY thing I did was step on the brakes when I was coming up to a work zone with the speed limit 40 so I would be at the right speed. Why are they all treating me like dirt. I think that I shouldn't have had the surgery to save my life. Maybe that was what I did wrong, but I am not ready to die.
Friday, March 05, 2010
Today I went to the PCP for my prescriptions for this year. Not a big deal. Mostly I asked questions and she ordered labs which I'll get in about 2 weeks since they can't get anything through my little veins. For the first time, even though I had gone to a podiatrist, they did a full diabetes foot check. I've never had anyone test the pulse to my feet before. I have neuropathy, but not to the extent that I can't feel things. And that tickles when they hit the arch with that little piece of cardboard.
I found out that one problem I have a lot of times is caused by gall stones. Well, at least I know it isn't a heart attack happening, which it can feel like at times.
Of course, I got in trouble for not going to the gym enough. I haven't been doing much because I can't afford the gas to get there. The recreation center closest to me has no indoor pool and a very small outdoor one that is usually full of kids during the summer months when it is open. They also don't have anything in their weight room. The weight room is being remodeled, so maybe they will have a better one when it is finished. I tried one of their bikes and it seemed like it would fall apart any minute. And I was able to use 2 weights there. So I end up at the other end of town. Today I did go to the therapy pool, though, and I enjoyed being back there. I hope I can figure something out for the gas. My dogs might like the idea, because I think I will have to keep feeding them part of my food instead of the dog food they were getting the past few years.
Now, just to be able to stick with the low carb idea so I can lose some of this weight I've put back on.
There is one thing I figured out today. I am much less depressed when I get to the pool or the barn and get in some exercise than I am when I don't go anywhere.
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
Thank you to all who wrote me when I was considering quitting all. You are all very kind. I am going to try to continue and see how I do.
I am not too good at writing things anymore, so don't often blog. I don't really know how to use many of the things on SparkPeople, including how to reply to Blog comments. I have trouble just finding the blog page.
Sometimes I wish I could just write down my feelings, but it never comes out right. I want to get healthy again, but I keep getting stalled at every turn. Lately I have been more and more depressed without being able to do things. I want to get out and be happy. I don't want to write about sad things, but those that are happy. so I am not ignoring you. I just don't know how to do things on here.
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