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It's almost time and I'm scared

Sunday, June 05, 2011

The treatment starts Tuesday with my getting 3 teeth pulled. Everyone keeps telling me not to worry about paying for all this, but I can't help it. We simply do not have it. If I don't have all these teeth pulled, my radiation treatment can't be started. If it can't be started, my chances are not good.

I started my grateful journal on 01 June. It is still early, but I have been keeping up with it. Most of the entries are more than one sentence. I also want to add some uplifting quotes in the back. I sure could use them today. emoticon

This week I found a poem on the ACS ste that I believe will be a great help for me should I have the radiation/chemo. I would like to share it here, too.

What Cancer Can't Do

Cancer is so limited...
It cannot cripple love.
It cannot shatter hope.
It cannot corrode faith.
It cannot eat away peace.
It cannot destroy confidence.
It cannot kill friendship.
It cannot shut out memories.
It cannot silence courage.
It cannot reduce eternal life.
It cannot quench the Spirit.

I'm not sure who came up with this. But it is beautiful and so, so true.

My hubby sent for me a Kindle so I might have one while having chemo. Since he has to wait for me through radiation and the chemo, he has his own that he received as a present from my brother. Mine is coming from a gift certificate I got to Amazon for Mother's day from my oldest step-son, Rob. He is such a wonderful young man. He and I hit it off from the first moment we met!

I have The Spark on Bob's Kindle and have started to read it.

That is another thing bothering me. I feel I need to be here to help my teams along and I am VP of my on-line sorority chapter. I have told the president. I told her I wanted to keep the position until I can't do it. I'm praying that day won't come. I pray I can continue with my cardio each day, but not sure that will possible after a few weeks. I know my food tracking will bite the dust when I have a difficult time swallowing and have to have that feeding tube used.

For today, I think I have been negative enough. I so want to be happy and up beat, however it won't be today. I think that since Tuesday will start the actual beginning, if it does take place, and the nearer the day comes, the more I fear. What gets me is that I haven't felt like this since the beginning of May when it was found. Perhaps everything is catching up with me.

Until I write again, I'm outta here. emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PUFFPASTRY 6/12/2011 11:54AM

    Ev, I'm thinking of you all the time, and I'm always AMAZED at how much you're able to do despite a truly unfair amount of adversity. Tons of hugs, positive energy and good wishes! We're all cheering you on!
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SKUTZ1 6/7/2011 8:58PM

    Praying for u each and everyday Ms Ev. God loves u very much.

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JENN03275 6/6/2011 9:51PM

    Sending positive vibes your way. Follow your doctors orders, if you need the feeding tube, use it. If you start to have swallowing issues, ask for a speech pathologist. This cancer will be beat! You are allowed negative days! It is part of the grieving process.

Have faith, keep your positive attitude and you will win!!

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PUDLECRAZY 6/6/2011 9:00PM

    I just went back and read your blogs leading up to this one. Don't worry about the dental expenses right now. Take care of the dental part so you can move on to your cancer treatments. There WILL be a way to resolve the cost.

I have a friend who was diagnosed with tonsil and throat cancer last spring. He spent the summer and fall going through chemo and radiation therapy. Gradually, he got his strength back, his ability to eat and taste back, and eventually his hair back. The story is a good one out of a bad situation. There is no sign of cancer after his surgery and treatments, he is playing golf, and enjoying his family. He looks healthy again, and happy.

Cancer can be beat. It is understandable that you are scared and worried right now, but hold on to your positive outlook. I can tell that you have it from previous blogs, and it will serve you well.

Sending you healing thoughts and prayers,
Chris

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MOM2ACAT 6/6/2011 7:20PM

    emoticon Keeping you in my prayers, not just for your health, but for God to lift the stress off your shoulders.

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PMFISH 6/6/2011 4:24PM

    Have you talked to your dentist and told him you cannot afford it, but it is life or death. You might be amazed - I had a situation that was not as dire. My last surgeries they wreck some bridges in my mouth. It was a couple of months later and I had let the hospital off the hook for damages. One dentist told me to repair the work it was $8,000.00 Another of my doctors, who is also a good friend referred me to her dentist. She told me to tell him the situation and asked what he could do. He cut it in half and allowed me to pay over four months without interest. I was fortunate, because that I could handle even if it was difficult. Some times our pride stands in our way.

Good energy and hugs come at you!

Pat

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MEMARE 6/6/2011 7:53AM

    Thinking of you and uplifting you in prayer. emoticon emoticon

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COACHPENNY 6/6/2011 1:44AM

    Take each day as it comes and don't let the things you cannot control get you down. There will be a way. emoticon

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PANSYLADY2 6/5/2011 9:49PM

    Evie: Want you to know that I am praying for you. Not that I can do any healing, but I know the Healer, and His Name is Jesus! He is totally willing and able to heal you. Trust HIM!
MJ

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SMARGED 6/5/2011 9:10PM

    Ev, your fear and anxiety are normal!! I think you're doing a marvelous job of handling the whole situation!

I am praying that God will wrap you in a blanket of His love, and that you will feel His presence and love supporting you!

Right now don't worry about food, calories, cardio or any of that. Just put all your effort and strength into getting through the treatment. You don't need the stress of trying to stick to your plan while you are on chemo. Afterwards you can gradually get back into it...

Just remember that you have lots of people here rooting for you and praying for you! Blessings!!

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CELLOPLAYER1 6/5/2011 8:35PM

    emoticon

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JKURJACK1944 6/5/2011 7:45PM

    Praying for you. You have a positive attitude. Today is just a blip and your fear will fade when your faith takes hold.

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NOMUFFINTOP3 6/5/2011 7:27PM

    emoticon

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Here I go....again

Monday, May 30, 2011

Friday I saw my chemo oncologist who relayed I do have the cancer of the tonsil. He let me know this round isn't going to as easy as the last was. This time rather than a daily pill, I'll have a 2 hour drip once a week. And just when my hair and eyebrows were growing back to normal. That is true, but I'm not serious about it I know for sure it'll all come back as it did this last time. The funny thing has been my brows have come in lighter, the same my hair was. And my hair is still salt and pepper, but the pepper is a whole lot darker. Maybe with round 2, all will be back to normal.


This picture was at our wedding in Aug 2000.

It would seem I don't have any before and afters on my laptop, which I am using.

Also on Friday, I had my blood taken. Guess my potassium is low again. I'm not surprised as when I log my daily food, it is usually under what I should have. So I have a new script for this. A also had my chemo schedule made.

I have found I am more tired than usual these past two days. I hope this isn't going to be the same until I start my treatments. Both days my cardio/strength numbers have dropped. The last round I was able to do at least five minutes a day.
I can only hope to do the same this round.

After two weeks, I guess I won't feel like eating because it will be difficult to swallow and because nothing will taste right, so I'll start to receive nourishment through the feeding tube. I'll have a combo with the chemo that will help to keep me hydrated. Trying to make me feel better he told me I'll lose a lot of weight. Gee thanks,doc. That really helps - NOT! But he's so cute, I really didn't mind.

emoticon I believe his picture is in my Spark Page album if the ladies would like to take a peek. Just be sure not to let the drool short out your keyboard.
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No matter if it goes really bad or really good, I won't give up even on the bad days. I have my new grateful journal and Spark to help me to hang in. Everyone whether they are in my teams and know me or friends I haven't met yet, the support and love I feel from everyone keeps me going when I don't feel like going on with what I need to do to be rid of all this nasty stuff in me.

How I feel about everything is my journey is in God's hands and this is what he wants for me. He is sure I'll learn something or teach others to believe. Whatever is, it will be revealed in His own time. Already I have taught my radiation oncologist something his nurse says he is going to change. The day I went for the check-up, I had his partner as he was in Hong Kong. Dr. G always checks the throat and neck of all his patients. When they emailed Dr K to tell him what was going on, he was really surprised. He is now checking everyone he sees.

I can't believe I haven't cried about this at all. I know there will be lots of pain. I know there will be plenty of sickness, and I am so claustrophobic I don't know how I'll handle the mask. What I do know is, I will find something for which to be grateful and record it in my book. That when I really get down, I can read and try to feel better. I've been collecting some positive quotes I love that are about cancer. I know there are some really wonderful ones here on Spark about our life journeys and new life styles. I''m adding those to my journal, too. I haven't told my brother yet and that usually makes me cry. He is the one who called to let me know our father had died at Dave's home. Then I called when our mother died and when I was told about the breast cancer. Each time I did I asked my SIL to tell him in person so he wouldn't have to hear it on the phone. We are really close. He has been my biggest supporter after my hubby and has sent me a basket of fruit when I lost 25 LBS and another when I lost another 25. HE is so proud of all I have done. I invited my SIL to join even though she has about ten lbs to lose. She did and loves the info, but especially the recipes she has found here.


This was in PA when he was 10 and I was 5.

This my brother and my SIL 2 yrs ago.

I can't believe this, I'm all talked out! That doesn't happen too often. emoticon

Love and blessings for everyone.
Ev

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TBID227 6/10/2011 4:05PM

    So sorry to hear this, you are such a strong woman! You are in my thoughts and prayers. Please let me know if there is anything I can do.

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SMARGED 6/5/2011 9:03PM

    I'm so sorry you have to go through all this!! You are in my prayers!!

Just hang onto Phil: 4:13: "I can do all things through Christ Jesus who strengthens me."
emoticon Marge

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SDJOLLY 5/31/2011 10:54PM

    You're in my thoughts and prayers. emoticon


And...love the pics! Thanks for sharing.

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SKUTZ1 5/30/2011 10:41PM

    Much love and lots of prayers to u. God bless u always. emoticon

Stacey

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PANSYLADY2 5/30/2011 5:58PM

    Love your positive attitude. The idea of a "grateful" book is great. Will be praying.

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MOM2ACAT 5/30/2011 3:50PM

    emoticon You are always in my prayers. emoticon

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LAURIELYNN50 5/30/2011 1:23PM

    Oh Ev, I'm so sorry to hear of the cancer. It sounds as if you're arming yourself for the battle. Bravo!

"Fear can keep us up all night long, but faith makes one fine pillow." ~Philip Gulley

emoticon Laurie

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This journey may be delayed, but certainly NOT over!

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Well, I went to the dentist yesterday. It was good news all around. I'll have to have 7 extracted rather than all of them!! Not only does it help financially, but it can be done in the office rather than the hospital - and I won't have to be put under anaesthetic. The fact remains even though I haven't been told officially, Dr K's office called to say I have an appointment with the surgeon who did the biopsy and inserted my port for a conference discussing the feeding tube. I'm relatively certain that it is. I see the ENT who took this biopsy tomorrow. I don't know, but I should think I'll be told for sure. However it turns out, I'll most likely be delayed but this is my heath journey. emoticon

If you have noticed, my fitness points have been rather high. I have been trying to get in all I can while I can. Most likely I'll not be able to swallow, so the food intake will be what is inserted into the tube. I maybe weakened by not getting the nourishment, but at least I'll be as strong, for as long as I can. emoticon

My journey here at SP will be delayed, but certainly not over. When I am able, I'll be back full force starting from day one to meet my goals, if I have to. I'll never give up Spark. What I'll miss most besides the exercise and tracking is learning so much, reading all of the blogs, pages, giving goodies. my teams, and my friends. The support and prayer I'll be receiving from Sparkers are sure to help me through all of this. emoticon emoticon

I won't lie and say I'm not scared, because I am. The only experience I have had with feeding tubes are both my mother's sister and my mother. Both were dead within two moths of receiving the tube. Intellectually I know they were very ill and near the end after having had strokes. But emotionally that scares me.

With my faith, I'm sure all of the bad has nothing to do with me. I'm trying very hard to concentrate on what is positive. This should be curable and once more I'll
be very blessed. I may have pain and illness from the chemo, but I am grateful that this can be done and that I can go forward with best life I can.

It should have been so obvious to me long before now. If you watch NCIS, you'll understand what "Gibbs slap" means. I deserve a Gibbs slap over this. I'm going to start a grateful journal and find something to be grateful for each day I am able.
Both of these journeys are not easy for adjustment, but the results will be fantastic. And let's face it, nothing worthwhile is ever easy!! emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

COACHPENNY 6/1/2011 8:02PM

   

I thought you might get a kick out of this...............

I Will Need Help

Dear Lord,

So far today, I am doing all right. I have not gossiped, lost my
temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent.

However, I am going to get out of bed in a few minutes, and I will
need a lot more help after that.

Amen.

emoticon

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PMCFARM 5/28/2011 9:27PM

  Ev... Pansylady2 is right on! our Father is only a whisper away and His lap is never toooo full for 1 more needy child!!

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ANTEEKER 5/28/2011 1:44PM

    Hey, I just read your blog, sorry you have to go through this..
A friend of mines son had throat cancer he needed the feeding tube.. it kept him alive while doing his chemo and radiation.. the tub is out and he has regained some weight and his strength.. Take care, stay positive.
Praying for you
Michelle emoticon

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COLEENCOLE 5/27/2011 4:04PM

    I hope it all works out.

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MOM2ACAT 5/26/2011 5:02PM

    emoticon Keeping you in my prayers! I had to slow down also, but sometimes that can't be helped. We can just have to do what our bodies can handle, and hope for better days ahead.

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SDJOLLY 5/26/2011 1:39PM

    Ev, you inspire me daily with your strength and faith. You're in my thoughts and prayers. emoticon

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TBID227 5/26/2011 12:33PM

    You do need a Gibbs head slap! Love that! You also have to let yourself feel all these emotions. It also sounds like you have a very good reason to be scared. I am praying for you and your family. You have such a great attitude about everything and your faith is simply astounding. I know whatever the results turn out to be that you will face it with the strength and faith that you are not alone! Hang in there! And I'll miss you too while you are not as active on here!

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PANSYLADY2 5/26/2011 12:28PM

    The best place to be as you go through this new adventure is in the arms of Jesus!! HE is the One who is your Strength and High Tower. HE is the Healer. I lift my sister up to You, Jesus. Cause Your healing touch to move throughout her entire body. In the NAME of Jesus, I command healing to each of the cells in her body. Thank you, Jesus, for the blood you shed on Calvary which makes our healing possible. In Jesus' Name I pray. AMEN

Evie, when you are frightened and feel really alone, crawl up in the Father's lap and let Him love on you. He really is a good Daddy!
Blessings . . .
MJ

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Not good

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Well, the news yesterday wasn't that great. But amazingly when the radiation oncologist told me what he was seeing and his thoughts about it, I was very very calm. I mean, we won't know for sure if the biopsy will be positive or not for at least another week. But when he started to talk about having all my teeth out and all of the dentists want their money upfront, I figured the least we would have to pay and there is no way we have that kind of money. But if I am to survive God will help provide a way for us to get what we need. Then he proceeded to talk about treatment - a mask over my face so as not to harm other parts during radiation. Because my throat will be so sore and painful, I won't be able to swallow any food so that would mean a feeding tube. During this time I would have chemo once a week. Thank goodness I have a port!!!
Another positive is I'll have all my doctors and my team will be the same. I take great comfort in knowing if I must go through all of this, I know these people and won't be nervous about them. One less problem to face, yes?
I must admit to closing my mind down as Dr K talked about the letter he was writing for my insurance so they might help us with the teeth issue because it will affect my health and life. I knew about them having to be pulled before radiation, but when he said without it my life expectancy would be six months, and it is already stage 2 in his personal opinion, I didn't hear anything else for a few minutes. But I didn't cry or go all emotional. No I waited to do that until I talked to my brother to tell him all that had passed at the appointment. Dave thought it strange that they would be so sure without the biopsy results. I explained how much of this the doctor has seen and that is his opinion just looking at it and he wants everything set up for if the results are positive as he believes. He said if it is negative, those appointments can be cancelled.

Since both of our parents are gone, Dave and his family are my only blood family I have. When he started to say how sorry he was for the possibilities, that's when I started to cry. Bob won't even talk about the 6 months, not even with the insurance company. It is so difficult to be positive. All I can think is this is what God wants. He must have a need for me elsewhere, if we can't get help to pay. As I said yesterday, it is the journey he has chosen for me and it is my place to accept that and not to question. Only He knows His greater plan.

To be honest, I feel a lot of my strength and spirit slipping away and that scares me more than anything else. My faith has always been what has gotten me through the bad stuff and my greatest joy during the good times. I am always so positive He knows what is best for me and even if it seems terrible at the time, something good always comes from what happened. I have always depended on that and it has kept me going. I still have that faith, but since I have never felt like this before I am afraid that will leave me, too.

I really want to be able to keep things light and even crack a joke or two, but I can;t do it right now. One thing I am positive about is I want no pity from anyone about anything. I also know I'm not going to write like this ever again on this blog. I'm only going to post the good news or not post at all!

Peace, love, and blessings to all my friends no matter what your faith may be. We can never have too many true friends nor too many prayers or good thoughts.

emoticon emoticon emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

COACHPENNY 6/1/2011 7:33PM

    This is so hard but, don't let your faith or your spirit fade. I do believe we are not alone and you will not go through this alone. You are in my prayers.

God Bless you and your family.

Penny

ps. I will try to to keep you in "stitches" with my inane humor.

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DJS-DEBBIE 5/19/2011 6:39PM

    emoticon

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MEMARE 5/19/2011 8:14AM

    emoticon Praying for the best. emoticon


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CELLOPLAYER1 5/18/2011 8:22PM

    emoticon

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SEAWAVE 5/18/2011 8:09PM

    Plan for the worst and hope for the best. It's true that we must fight with everything we've got, even when it feels like we don't have much. Sometimes that means surrender to what's happening and know your medical team is there to support you through it. I hope you find some strength in knowing that you and your family are in our thoughts and prayers.

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SOFEDUPP 5/18/2011 6:06PM

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MOM2ACAT 5/18/2011 12:33PM

    emoticon You are in my prayers!

I'm glad your doctor is trying to get the insurance to cover the dental issues. At a time like this, you don't need the added stress of worrying about money.

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NEVERORNOW 5/18/2011 12:20PM

    emoticon

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SKUTZ1 5/18/2011 11:58AM

    U'll in my thoughts and prayers. God bless emoticon

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TBID227 5/18/2011 9:48AM

    My thoughts and prayers are with you! *hugs*

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Yesterday and a beginning, I think?

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Now no one has ever accused me of thinking as Melanie's mama says in Sweet Home Alabama (one of my favorite movies). So see if I still can - I'm never sure from day to day.

Yesterday was my needle biopsy of the mass on my right tonsil. Because of our wonderful governor here in FL, my insurance will only pay when the pathology is done by a private company across the state from where we live. Because of the low rating on the lab in the hospital right across from my ENT, when it was owned by a certain company that Scott had to resign from several years ago, our BC/BS won't cover if the lab work is done there. All this means is unless we want to pay 100% rather 20%, we have to wait a week and possibly 2 to find out the results. I think the waiting is the most difficult of anything.

Now then, my throat is hurting ever since the numbing shot started to wear off yesterday afternoon. It is difficult to swallow as I was warned. For this week my diet gets to be liquids and very soft foods starting today. I must admit though, if it continues to be so sore, I doubt I'll like anything other than applesauce, cottage cheese, yogurt, soups, scrambled eggs, those kinds of things. My food tracker is now looking horrid. I have so many carbs, sodium, calories, it's unbelievable. I don't know why I thought not having true solids, I would have much less of all that. One VERY good thing is although it hurts breathing, I was able to get in my bootcamp exercises!!! Since this is week 3 for me, I believe I'll be able to finish before I even know if this is malignant or not.

I don't know why, but I feel that it isn't. With the BC, I knew before being told. It's just different this time. I hope I'm correct. My voice is changed from yesterday! If it turns out badly, the docs say I'll have to have rehab to learn to swallow and talk and I won't sound the same no matter. My first thought was I may not be able to sing anymore. My second thought was knowing my mother in heaven is telling my dad - "Well, the kid is finally going to be quiet. You know she hasn't shut up since she learned to talk before she was 2!". She used to tell me many times that I started talking before I was 2 and never shut up afterwards. You know, that always puzzled me. I simply can't figure out why she would say such a thing! I know how to be quiet, don't I?

All of this is sure taxing my faith. But it certainly hasn't taken it away from me. I know the same is true from my Spark family, too. If I get down a little, I say a prayer and come here to be reminded not only am I supported, but others need my support and encouragement. Posting to others' blogs, pages, post, and giving gifts makes me feel so much better and bring things into perspective for me. Faith and joy seem to take over and though my strength may be sapped, I can be positive once more. I'm smiling now knowing how the friends I have made in my teams and through my blog bring me such happiness. I believe I come to this site and once I start reading, bad seems to go away. Since I have been basically house bound for a long time, my friends have all but disappeared any everyone here has filled that void for me more than I could ever say.

All and all yesterday started a new beginning for me no matter the test results. Cancer sure has a way of seeing clearly what means the most and things you truly need to be concerned with and what just isn't important enough to waste time worrying. I don't mind my house being messed up. We have four dogs, what would you expect? The dogs to care for and give love and security to are far more important than things being stacked or out of place. If others don't like it, I'm sorry for them as they haven't learned that kind of lesson. Honestly, I pray they never have to the same way I had to do.

Today I see my radiation oncologist to talk about options if this is positive. As much as I love my entire team at the cancer center, I could have done without seeing them so soon after completing all my treatments in March. But I know God knows why I'm on this journey and it is really up to me not to question, but know it's the path I must take.

Love and peace to all my friends - those I have and those I haven't met yet.

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SDJOLLY 5/17/2011 9:30PM

    Waiting is sooo hard. You know you're in my thoughts and prayers. Keep the faith. emoticon

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LAURIELYNN50 5/17/2011 8:35PM

    Psalm 62:5-8 My soul, wait in silence for God only, For my hope is from Him. 6 He only is my rock and my salvation, My stronghold; I shall not be shaken. 7 On God my salvation and my glory rest; The rock of my strength, my refuge is in God. 8 Trust in Him at all times, O people; Pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us.

emoticon hugs and love emoticon Laurie

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MOM2ACAT 5/17/2011 4:55PM

    I agree with you that the waiting is the hardest part!

I would just eat what feels good on the throat right now; you can get back on track when you are feeling better!

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JANNERUN 5/17/2011 12:25PM

    Hoping that things turn out good and you won't have to go thru treatments. And hopefully you will get your voice back and be able to sing!

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TBID227 5/17/2011 11:50AM

    *sniff* thanks for sharing this. You still amaze me! I lauged at that story about your parents saying you never kept quiet! You obviously have lots to say, didn't they know this? That bites about having to wait, I too think that is always the hardest, and must be more so for you. Stay strong and keep up the great positive attitude! My dad always told me that while we could not control others thoughts and feelings, we could certainly choose how we were going to feel that day. Wise man I think. *hugs*

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