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I've been a b-a-d b-a-d girl

Sunday, May 15, 2011

I can't believe what I've done today to my healthy eating! emoticon I started the morning with cookies, emoticon even before I started to exercise! When I got back, had some more water, I had eggo's with b&B rather than just the spray. And to top it off, Bob put some confectioner's sugar sprinkled on top of both! emoticonThen I did the 10 minute video for the bootcamp three times. Good way to do that, yes? Well then after my water what did I do? I had some Dr Pepper! What accompanied it you wonder?
Try Hamburger with all the trimmings - gotta get the veggies in you know? Like that will really help me. Who knows what I'll do with dinner. But I'm sure what ever it is, it won't be good for me anymore than what has gone into my mouth so far today!

Why on earth have I done this to myself? With all the fat and carbs, I'm feeling fairly queasy. But I can't seem to stop myself. Tomorrow is my biopsy on my tonsil and I'm going to be sore. I guess that's how I "justify" it to myself!! I'm also going on the assumption I'll have to have surgery and have all my teeth pulled. Then when the awful treatment is over, I'll have to learn to swallow and to speak again. It would seem my logic of eating all I love and want before I can only have liquids and pabulum, is flawed. Nothing will be known until we get answers from tomorrow's biopsy. And what on earth can possibly be better than good health?

What I have been doing today is ludicrous and can only hurt me, not to mention how I've been doing so well for so long!! I hope I'll be able to stop before my 1st snack, dinner, and my 2nd snack. Even as I type this I feel so embarrassed.
I thought about not posting my horrible choices of today, but by doing so I feel I'm making myself accountable for those choices.

The best thing is, I know tomorrow will be a new day for some excellent choices. I know it will be a brighter day and I shall make those wise choices for my health and lifestyle. Today will only be a bleep on my journey, but one I have not liked doing to myself.

Before - last April:

After - 2nd of this month:

This is what I need to be reminded about so that I won't do it again!! I also think I do not want this queasy feeling ever again. I know it is wrong; I feel it is wrong because it is making me become sick; but most importantly, I do like feeling so good with better choices. And I hope I haven't gained 10 pounds!!

All my love to all of you, my encouraging Spark friends!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SKUTZ1 5/17/2011 4:01PM

    We all have what u call a bad day sometimes. But we wouldn't be human if we didn't. U did better than I would have. I'm still struggling with yo-yo diet. But after reading this blog, u have encouraged me to make more good choices. I think u look pretty. emoticon

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TBID227 5/16/2011 12:27PM

    I hope today is a better day (everyone else said what I was going to) and don't forget, it is just one day! We all have them! And look at how much you have accomplished, that one day, well, it happens (hope you enjoyed it) and it is ok!

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THEGOODSTUFF24 5/16/2011 9:22AM

    We all have good days and bad days. It's OK!! Just pick yourself up right where you are and start NOW! You can do this! Your progress so far looks GREAT!! emoticon

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HONEYBEEZ 5/15/2011 11:56PM

    Ai, ai, ai.....sounds like my weekend.....but, consider this....you chose the hamburger, but you ate the veggies with it...you chose the Dr. Pepper, but you had the water first....you had the eggos with B&B, but you didn't choose butter (and a sprinkle of powdered sugar is sooo much better than tons of syrup). You ate cookies first thing, but at least you've acknowledged it.

The whole point is we all make bad choices...some of us more often than others (hands raised)....but with the bad choices we make, we are learning even then to make better choices (B&B and powdered sugar, instead of butter and pancake syrup) with our bad. We don't eat the whole bag of cookies, we choose veggies with the burgers.

Give yourself a little break and a little credit...You recognize how this makes you feel, and don't want to go there again. And, I agree with DJS....you can start over at any time....right now, even...don't have to wait till tomorrow.... emoticon

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1TRULYBLESSED 5/15/2011 9:46PM

    The fact that you held yourself accountable and "'fessed up" to your SP community says a lot about your integrity and your ability to move forward and ultimately be successful in your weight loss/life change journey. Tomorrow IS another day, and I know you'll make it a great one!!


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SDJOLLY 5/15/2011 8:50PM

    Don't be embarrassed. I doubt there's a member here who doesn't have days like that. I know I do. You'll get back on track and all will be well. Don't be so hard on yourself. emoticon

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NEVERORNOW 5/15/2011 2:31PM

    I know you'll get back on track because you are worth it!!!

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DJS-DEBBIE 5/15/2011 12:46PM

    Don't wait til tomorrow - have a healthy dinner today!

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    Tomorrow is another day! Enjoy today!

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How can something so positive now feel so negative?

Thursday, May 12, 2011

There has been so much positive and so many blessings in my life. Since last November it's been up and down and up and down. Thru it all, I managed a little cardio each day of treatment. I continued losing losing weight even after the mass was removed. That gave me a lot of hope and feeling so positive that I wasn't losing because of the cancer in me, but because of all my efforts and hard work.

In the past few weeks I've hit a plateau, but that hasn't bother me. I know I'm doing all the "right" things. I had my walking increase from 5 min a day to 20 min. Then I decided to do the Spring Into Shape Bootcamp. now my walking/cardio is at 40 mins a day! The first week went very well, if not a little sore as I continued to get accustomed to using some muscles I haven't for a long while. The big thing for me is, although I have had to tweak some of the exercises, I have been able to do them twice a day and sometimes even into a third time.

All and all life has been great since when I graduated from my treatments on March 21st. My first check up was scheduled for May 1st. My skin had healed wonderfully and no more peeling at all, so I wasn't worried at all. I went in all smiles and still offering positive encouragement while in the waiting area. When it was my turn, I found my regular radiation oncologist was in Hong Kong and I would be seeing another doctor. I had never met this doctor and he was difficult to understand, but I felt only the very best worked at the cancer center as they work all over the northeast of FL. He was really happy when he checked my scar and the lymph node cut. I was all aglow about this And was grinning from ear to ear.

And then the other shoe dropped. This doctor had us in a check up room, where as Dr K always met with us in his office. So the new doctor decided to check me out more than I would normally have from Dr K. He checked my ears, my neck and inside my mouth. He said he saw something there that he didn't like. Soooo I got to have a scope put down my throat via my nose. Even numbed it was quite uncomfortable. When he finished he told me he thought it was cancer on my tonsil. The only way he could be sure is the ENT tested it. The ENT was out of town for a few days. So Tuesday I went to the dentist for full X-rays, because if it would be cancer, I would have to have my back molars and possible even more teeth pulled. OK, you gotta do what you gotta do. My mother is probably in heaven shaking her finger at me. I think of all the fillings, root canals and crowns I had since grade school. My dentist said he never saw such a clean, well cared for teeth have so many problems!

Let's move ahead to this past Monday. I got to see the ENT doctor. He was a little more positive than the other doctors. He explained everything to us and checked my neck and my throat again. He decided he needed to look at it closer. Numb nose with the scope after was done once more. His news was 50-50. First he said I had something on the tonsil, but he could not tell for sure until he did a biopsy. He felt nothing in my neck to indicate that it had gone to the lymph nodes there. Actually he said it was superficial and it could be something other than cancer. He explained to me I would have to have all my teeth on the right side pulled before radiation would be started. He said he had seen some patients decided their teeth were strong enough to handle the radiation, but then in three or four years they would have problems. This was so messed up they ended up having part of their jaw bone taken. I told him I had stubs under my crowns plus a few crowns that came off the last radiation treatment I had. He agreed I may have to have them ALL taken out.

Tuesday I was back at the cancer center. He looked at it again and said once more, he was pretty sure it was cancer. I was scheduled for Wednesday to have a mask made and be marked for radiation, Thursday to have both PET and CT scans. Tomorrow I was to have a conference with my chemo oncologist.
Guess what? All three of the last things were canceled. Unfortunately, I took the valium pill and while we were waiting for what we thought would be the mask and the marking, I fell asleep. I awoke when the fellow who works on having plans made out for patients came out to tell us everything for the rest of the week was canceled. So after all that, we were still to have an appointment with the ENT. Hey, you are not going to believe this - I'm going to have a biopsy in his office rather than at the hospital being put under on Monday. Finally I'll get to see Dr A on Tuesday.

You must be sure this was enough, but nooooooooooo. When we went to get the pills, we found that our regular pharmacy had been sold to Walgreen. They were so good as they were area residents and not a huge company with buildings all over. We are really going to miss the services of the one we had.
They had the most reasonable prices in the county. They let you have a bill if you had to have it right before payday. They even sent it to us by driver or next day overnight!! They had refills all ready for us when they are due. Best of all they had their private insurance to help seniors who have no coverage. My hormone blockers that I'm suppose to be on for 5-10 years, were $4.85 total. Now we'll have to pay full price - $450 per month!! I don't know what will happen now. The two valium I received that day were $6.00 each! I couldn't believe it. It would have been under a dollar before.

Something positive had to come from all of this. THe ENT said whatever it is, it is superficial. So I continue with my challenge everyday and try to encourage other to help me stay positive. But it just feels so darn negative!! I can't have that. I've told myself, even if it is malignant, I made it through breast cancer so I'll fight for this, too. So what it my hair and brows are growing back from the last round. But it DOES grow back. It will take longer and I'll have to learn to swallow and speak again, but I can do it. I have to - there is no other option!

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MISSM66 5/14/2011 2:18PM

    I am keeping you in my Prayers, because prayer changes things emoticon emoticon emoticon

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PMFISH 5/14/2011 2:12PM

    Evelyn, so sorry you are having to deal with this. It sounds like you have a pretty good handle on it. I know after all my chemo & radiation, I had to get bone scans and they thought they found something on the back of my neck. I told them to do a biopsy, but they could not. Only thing they could do was change medication that was even worse than the one I was on. I knew in my heart I was done with cancer, so I told them to forget it, there was nothing wrong. They thought I was just sticking my head in the sand. I told them OK can you prove it? No, but if it was cancer, it would continue to grow. I had bone scans for the next 2 years. Thank God it was not cancer. They still do not understand and recently my chiropractor took x-rays and was very alarmed. Now keep in mine my cancer was back in 1987 and the x-rays were a couple of years ago. It shows on my x-rays the lack of bone necessary to hold up my head, so back for another bone scan. I thank God every day, because I still believe he healed me. I hold my head high with no more problems than the aging process. Prayers and positive thoughts are coming your way! Hang it there. There is life after the big "C".

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DJS-DEBBIE 5/13/2011 11:41PM

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PMCFARM 5/13/2011 8:47PM

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JANNERUN 5/13/2011 1:53PM

    Wow--so much that you have had to go thru and so emotionally draining. Stay strong and things will work out. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

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SEAWAVE 5/12/2011 10:22PM

    Hopefully if it is cancer, it truly is only superficial and easily treated. Sending thoughts and prayers your way for a speedy resolution to this entire ordeal!

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SDJOLLY 5/12/2011 9:21PM

    Aw, hin, what an emotionally draining ordeal. You are so strong and continue to inspire me. You are in my thoughts and prayers. emoticon

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CELLOPLAYER1 5/12/2011 8:45PM


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MOM2ACAT 5/12/2011 5:25PM

    emoticon Sending lots of prayers for you!

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TBID227 5/12/2011 5:00PM

    Awwe honey. *hugs* I cannot even imagine what you are going through, but you are strong, wonderful, and brave. Hang in there, I know it probably sounds silly, but do so, stay strong, stay you, and stay as positive as you can (but please feel free to scream at the world for any and whatever reason). *hugs* again. Thinking and praying for you.

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What a week! Will next one be the same? Finishing my 1st week of bootcamp!!

Friday, May 06, 2011

What a week this has been for me!! Both yesterday and today I was up early to get in my cardio and the bootcamp videos. Today I tried to complete it twice, but missed doing that by 2 minutes. I had a lot of adjusting to do, but I'm so happy I was able to do most of the exercises!

Yesterday I had to see my psych in Gainesville. It is a long drive for us (about 70 miles one way). But it was definitely worth it for me. I did wear a hat rather than a wig, which was a lot more comfy for me. My doc was so complimentary to me about how well I looked and how good my attitude was from a year ago. I told him part of it is my meds. I know even when I feel great I can't stop taking them. I also raved about Spark and how much it has helped me with making better choices in trying to better myself and my lifestyle. I also raved about how wonderful the active members are so supportive and share experiences. I said never before have I found so much info, videos, friends, teams, etc. all in one place. It is a huge part of my looking better, smiling more, and trying to have a better attitude. I also told him about the tumor and he told me he was positive it would be because of an infection, etc. because it is so rare to have tonsil cancer. He said under 8000 people get it every year in the US. I don't know if I can be THAT positive, but it did give some hope more than before.

Even in the heat, my wedding band is too loose to wear on my left hand. Wearing it on my right is like a lot of European/Scandinavian countries are accustom to wearing their bands. My nephew and his wife do. His wife is Danish and they were married in Denmark, then renewed their vows in OH the next month. His wife is now working on the requirements to become a US citizen. That aside, My left ring finger feels so "naked" without my band that I had to find a ring that wouldn't slip off. I finally found one - my high school class ring and it is a size 5 1/2. I haven't been able to wear it for years - and no! I won't say what year is on it!! I have to say, it felt really. really good!! So all and all, it was a fantastic day.

Speaking of my nephew's wife and his daughters, I mentioned they completed a 42 mile bicycle event. It was called the 5 Borough Tour. Have any of my NYC buddies heard about it or even do the event themselves?

As I finish my first week of bootcamp, feel much better, if not a little bit sore. OK, all right - a lot sore in places I haven't used the muscles in a very long time. With doctor appoints all next week, I hope I do as well with the videos as I have this week!!

To everyone leaving me positive comments both on my blog and my page, I appreciate every single one! Yes, you and you, and even you. Y'all know who you are. This is turning out to be a fantastic journey! One that I love more with each passing day. Yes, even with all the appointments next week and the concern, I
just know it is going to be as fantastic as this one was.


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DJS-DEBBIE 5/8/2011 11:57AM

    Way to go with boot camp!

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SOFEDUPP 5/7/2011 10:23AM

    That is fantastic!!! I too am completing my first week of boot camp. For me it was to get back my motivation. It is slowly coming back, but it is coming back.

I am very happy that you are on the boot camp wagon!!!

Also glad that doctor's visit went so well!!!

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SDJOLLY 5/6/2011 10:19PM

    A good doctor's visit! And congrats on your bootcamp progress! You're a rock star, my friend! I need to follow in your footsteps. I'm soooo off on strength training. emoticon

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PANSYLADY2 5/6/2011 12:49PM

    Awesome report!! God is good. I know you have been working hard to maintain both physical and mental strength. With God's grace, the journey will continue. Blessings, gal. Have a wonderful day.

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TBID227 5/6/2011 12:07PM

    You are such an inspiration! Keep on hanging in there, and I LOVE that your doctor is telling you to try and look on the positive side! I am here hoping right along with you and know that no matter the results, you will make it through cause you have heart!

Too awesome about your ring fingers! Glad you found something to wear (how heartwarming that it was your class ring) so you don't feel 'naked'!

Way to go on the boot camp, I am so impressed by that! Keep up the great work! Oh how I sorta miss Gainesville. THe sorta because it is may and probably humid! Lol. Did you at least go to one of the best pizza places I had ever found? That started with an S and I cannot remember the rest of the name, but could still drive to the location!

Thoughts and prayers are with you!

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Today is Day #4 of Bootcamp

Wednesday, May 04, 2011

I got to sleep in a bit today. It is rather nice to have a free day without any appointments. I have one tomorrow, then I have a long weekend. Get to start up again on Monday.

This morning the video was for upper body strengthening. It felt good to do it, even having to make small moderations. I did the exercises twice. I was glad to get my walking and cool down in first.

There has been so much smoke in the area for the past week from several fires in the area' It is starting to remind me of June 1998 when Florida burned. I believe there were fires in every county. Flagler County right next to ours had to be evacuated. My mama was in the nursing home and had to be e-vaced, too. It was a stressful time. I had no contact to even check on her, let alone thinking I could see her. I was so worried. I think it really contributed to her death in July.

Bob took two new pictures this week. Can you still see a change?

Monday is the day I see the ent doctor and may have the biopsy done. I am trying so hard to not think about it much and concentrate on exercise and healthy choices.

My nephew left a message on his Facebook wall that his wife and two daughters completed a 42 mile bike ride competition in NYC!!! I am so proud of them all. Geoff and his son did a walk and for the six year old, he was more interested in all the statues in the park and leggo at 30 Rock. But Geoff said the walk from 72nd street to where they were staying on Delaney in Chinatown area. So I think that is quit the accomplishment, too. I'm envious, but just wait - someday soon I'll be able to walk like that, too!!

I'm still needing pray and I thank all of you who are doing so!!

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SDJOLLY 5/4/2011 9:16PM

    You look wonderful and are doing a great job with the bootcamp!! As always, keeping you in my prayers. emoticon

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SEAWAVE 5/4/2011 7:36PM

    Unfortunately, I've had to put the bootcamp on hold. I'm feeling awful, and may have caught mono from my son. Ugh. You're wise to concentrate on exercise and healthy choices. It helps no matter what's ahead of you.

You're in my thoughts and prayers, hoping for a good result for the biopsy.

Comment edited on: 5/4/2011 7:36:59 PM

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MOM2ACAT 5/4/2011 4:25PM

    You look great!

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    I hope that your visit with your doctor takes some things off of your mind. You are looking great!

Congrats to your niece and great nieces, what an awesome accomplishment!

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Bootcamp wonders of Day #3

Tuesday, May 03, 2011

This morning I was up and really going very early. My dental appointment which was an evaluation of my teeth and if they can save them or not - was at 10AM!! For those who do not know - it is a 60 mile round trip for us!! We had to leave by 9AM to get there on time.

I did my walk and stretching to cool down. Then I watched the day 3 video for thighs, gluts, and hips. IT was 6 minutes, but I had to modify it so much, I thought I would try a second time with it. Well, I made it 4 minutes and ended up with 10 mins total for the video. I feel great about it. Also one one of my dear SP friends left me the perfect quote on my page. If you worry about tomorrow, you'll take the joy from today. I am going to make that as a motivation to hang on my wall. What a wonderful reminder for me and right when I needed it the very most!!

At the dentist, I had x-rays of all teeth then pictures of all of them. This is a new dentist to me and so far I really, really like him! But the cost! Oh my dear heavens! I really, really hope our medical will cover it as it is health related. Otherwise, I'm not sure how we'll mange all that needs to be done. It is going to work out eventually. All we can do is the best that we can do!! If things don't work out so good, well.....they can't take our birthdays away from us!!!

Speaking of birthdays, I'll be eligible for medicare at the end of October. Today I received two cards to send for open enrollment when I do. Hey guys.....please don't rush it anymore than it is!!!! I really enjoy saying I'm eligible for my social security that I paid for but too young for medicare! Not gonna be able to do that in a few months. But you know, I don't feel different than being in my 30's/40's. If I have to be honest - and I do - I have a few more aches and pains and stuff like that, but I am trying very hard for it not to stop me at all. OK maybe I do have to slow down a tad, but I am also making the best of that. I must say, having kicked 50 lbs to the curb has helped me a lot!! It is so wonderful not to have to lug around that extra weight. The best part is I am eating as I should have been all along. Haven't I been super blessed?!?!?! I truly believe all things are possible through God. When I get tired or down, He is always there to help me up and remind me that He loves me unconditionally!! And believe me, that's as good as it gets!!

So this has been my day. I'm a little tired, so I'm going to stay on-line and try to accomplish some more things - emails, my ancestry,com, facebook, etc.
I hope everyone has a blessed day.

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MEMARE 5/4/2011 7:38AM

    emoticonyou are doing great. emoticon

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SDJOLLY 5/3/2011 9:25PM

    Hope everything works out w/ the dental work. You did great w/ your workout today!

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JMGLEN62 5/3/2011 3:56PM

    Good luck with your teeth. I was at the periodontist last week and back to the dentist this afternoon. I was lucky and don't need any perio work, just more flossing, brushing and cleaning then the average person. I wish you success on your bootcamp.

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