Sunday, May 19, 2013
Today has been a very sad time around our house today. The neighbor Bob has been helping so much left this morning with his daughter. She is taking him to NY to live with her. His dementia is really getting bad. He is going to be 88 soon. We know we'll never see him again in the neighborhood. I knew I would cry out loud and couldn't force myself to say goodbye.
Then Bob went to get Rexie up for his morning walk. Sometime during the night our Sexie Rexie Puddin' Pie left us for the Rainbow Bridge. He was our Golden Retriever and our clown. He always seemed to be smiling. He would "dance" with Bob, as he decided Bob was his human. Oh, he'd let me hug him and he'd lick my legs for kisses and bat me with his head for pets, but it was Bob he showered the most love on. As much as I'm heart broken, I have to keep smiling to help Bob. He feels so bad about Rexie. His groomer is the one who named him Sexie Rexie. But it isn't going to help much. I'm so happy he didn't have a long suffering and had a nice long life. After he had been turned in to the shelter 4 different times, I am also happy we were able to give him a loving forever home like he deserved. Bob and a neighbor buried him next to Pepper. They were good buddies, so it only seems appropriate.
So today I'm smiling, but inside my heart is weeping for my personal losses, not for those involved, but yes, selfishly for myself. I'm going to be ok, because I have wonderful memories of Mr Lang and his wife and of our Rexie. But for this time, I'm grieving with a smile on my face.
Peace Love Cure
Our Rexie Wasn't he a handsome boy?
Wednesday, May 08, 2013
Ever since my first fall this spring, I have had a lot of time to digest all of the instructions from my various doctors. One of things I asked each was, when I'm stronger can I start a training program for running. Each one had the same answer - NO!! My primary doctor told me honestly he didn't think I would not or should ever. My goal was to be able to run at least a little of "26.2 With Donna" that is held in Jacksonville each year. It is the only national marathon for breast cancer awareness. "Donna" is a newscaster on our local NBC station. She had to deal with breast cancer twice. She has written a book about her journey and started a foundation to help provide for lower income women in need in Duval County. thedonnafoundation.org/donnas_book.h
tml Link to Donna's book.
www.breastcancermarathon.com/ Link to the marathon.
To say I was disappointed is an understatement. But since my next two falls and my labs not being so good, I've come to accept some goals must be given up on because of limitations. I'm happy I no longer have to be in my power chair every day. That's something I never thought would happen.
I don't often go into stores with Bob, but I did one day last week. The rain stared to really come down, so I stayed inside until he finished getting gas and pulled up in front of door. But during the wait, no one else was inside. The clerk and I started to talk about a very tiny church around the corner from the store. She was telling how much singing they do. I was a little sad when I told her I was in a choir most of my life, but since the tonsil cancer radiation I can no longer sing. I had my head down thinking about what I had said. I looked up into her face and smiled broadly and told her at least I was alive and giving up singing wasn't that big a sacrifice. Another goal destroyed.
But what I said was true. Before I would have found the thoughts of giving up would be unacceptable. But now, not so much. When we have those kinds of limitations happen, we cannot let them rule our lives. We must take back control. Yes, I'm still alive when the oncologists thought I might not be. accepting what I thought of as unacceptable or giving up on a goal is something so little compared to the alternative, that it doesn't bother me any more. So I can no longer run and no longer sing, so what? I'd much rather be able to spend my days with Bob and my buds. Those things are what matter in life - family and friends. The other stuff was only icing and we all know what sugar does to us.
By living my life the very best I can, taking control back over my choices, and being happy for my faith, family, and friends, I have finally accepted it all. I hope if you are in a situation that has given you limitations because of which you can no longer achieve some of your goals, you'll remember this entry and know the icing is sugar and not very good for you.
Have a wonderful upcoming weekend, In the US Sunday will be Mother's Day.
If you are like me and no longer have your mother with you and you were never blessed with children, I'm sure you have been like a mother to someone or an older woman has been like a mother to you. So celebrate anyway. You deserve it.
Peace Love Cure
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Bob and I were talking about having lunch and watching some movies. I have been really tired and weak today, so that seemed like a great option. That's when it happened. The phone started ringing and Bob answered. It was the clinic and they wanted to know if we could come in to discuss my lab results. Sure, no problem. Oh, and could we come within the hour? What? I didn't get a shower or shampoo my hair, but we made it in time. We didn't have to wait, but were taken in right away, which earned us some really nasty looks from those waiting to be seen.
All of my results from Monday were in. Everything with the CT scan and chest X-ray showed all is normal. Whew! That was a big relief. The problem is with the labs. It seems both the white and red cells are low along with the hemoglobin. I am to take iron pills twice a day or will have to have more transfusions. They also have no idea where the blood is coming from. When I asked what could cause the cell issues, she was really hesitant. She mentioned the spleen could be swollen and sometimes meds and a whole host of other things. She wasn't sure what the doctor was looking at in the test results. I had to have more blood drawn. Pat said when the doctor has time to check these labs, he would determine if I needed to take the results to my oncologists ASAP. She is to call us to tell us the decision. I really don't want to jump to conclusions and think the worse, but I must say, I'm not so sure I'll be so lucky with this as I have been in the past 2 1/2 years. I'm trying to hold onto my faith and trust in the Lord. I have to tell you, though, I'm really nervous about it all. Especially since I really didn't get any answers.
We went from the small town (pop.2000) to the big town (pop. 35,000)after leaving the clinic. I wanted to look at a new - to - me lap top. I haven't been all that happy with the one we got for me. Bob likes it, though, so he might take it over. I have a smaller lap top that I use when I'm in the living room, and I wanted the 17" as a replacement for my desk top that has seen much better days. When we finished, I "rented" it for a week to see how I like it before committing to get it. By the time we were finished, it was getting later and we were both pretty hungry. Bob needs to eat every so often for his diabetes. He was been keeping it well in check with diet and exercise and we would like to keep it that way. Anyway, we got some things to take home for dinner. It was really good and Bob seemed to like his, too. I had some spinach, mushrooms, cheese, and bread. Nice and light, yet I felt full. Bob made some pasta and added some veggies in a creamy sauce rather than a red one. He also had a small salad.
So that is pretty much how our day went from noon on. We never did watch any movies!
Everyone have a great rest of the week. I hope with the iron pills I must take twice a day that I'll start to feel stronger and more awake.
Peace Love Cure
Don't these look bright and "springy"?
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Well, I went to my primary doctor yesterday . My appointment was right when he got an emergency call from the hospital and he had to leave. I had the option of waiting until Monday or see the physician's assistance. I opted to stay and see Pat. So Monday will be the "big" day. I go back to their office for a blood draw and then to the hospital. After the appointment I asked Bob, "what did she say?" Wednesday my BP was 99/81. Friday it was 95/70. But he said I was right in thinking it didn't seem to be a concern to her. I couldn't believe the tests for the hospital, a chest x-ray to see if they can see why I am spitting up the blood. And I have to have a CT of my brain because of all the falls. Once more I had to get a valium to relax m before the CT scan. I'm REALLY claustrophobic and need one before entering a tube be it for CT, pET, or MRi. Just call me a baby!! lol!! One good thing about it is that for the past three years getting the one pill, the cost has been $7-$9. Yesterday the one cost $.45!! I'm happy Bob and i haven't seen all these high costs everyone was predicting with the health plan. If anything, our experiences are like this one for a little less money than before. The saddest part of all from the visit - i'm back to using the walker everyday and my chair whenever i go out. She agreed with my psychiatrist 100%. But I do a lot of chair exercises anyway so that part won't bother me at all. Bob told Pat how strange it is when he looks over to me in my chair and i have my leg up in the air then bring 1/2 way down. He says he's never sure if i'm going to kick him!! I'm glad he jokes so much. It's one of the things I liked about him from the start. It's easier to laugh than to cry! It sure makes life interesting, too. And it I must use Pinkie to get in all my walks, so be it. I've decided to attack this as I did the cancers - I gotta do whatever is necessary to be as well as I can. Being healthy is my prime goal for the rest of my life.
It's also good that I have a strong faith. I know God loves me no matter what and will see I make the choices I need to be able to walk the path He has for me. I'm right where He wants for this time in my life. It is not my place to question, but to believe and have faith. And this is what i'm doing - believing and having faith. I know many of you can understand what i'm saying.
Whenever I have the results on everything, I'll be sure to let all of you know.
I continue to make very wise eating choices. almost have to force myself to eat as I'm often not hungry at all. I do know it isn't good to skip a meal, so I eat my three everyday. Since I am still having a difficult time in chewing and swallowing, not to mention the burning of my mouth, I often repeat things i know work for me. This means i have cereal and lots of salads or add lots of veggies to broth. Every morning it's Ensure for me. There is no way I want to have another feeding tube put in!! it wasn't "fun" the first time, so i'll do what's necessary to keep from having another.
I'm hoping everyone is enjoying their weekend. It got to about 65 degrees F here today. And rainy, I'll bet lots of yard sales were rained out. I'm not complaining, mind you. It is so different than usual. Hopefully you're happy with your weather and weekend activities.
Peace Love Cure
Me on Maxine. i have none on Roxie.
Maxine when she was brand new.
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