Saturday, March 24, 2012
This is #4 on my 30 day self discovery list.
There is much I have learned since my mama passed away in the summer of 1998. One of these things is how to forgive others. I had a real problem with this issue for a very long time.
There was a couple in the neighborhood from our hometown. As a matter of fact my father had been his boss. After my father died in 1976, they started to talk about my mama. I couldn't believe the things they were saying! They were awful, mean things that were totally untrue such as my mama had been fooling around on daddy. I was so angry I could never face them and confront them about it. I went to see the priest about this issue. He gave me some good advice how to confront them in a gentle but firm manner. Then I saw them at the calling hours for my mama. Both looked so small and frail. Both shuffled to walk and looked like they had lost inches. She was all hunched over. I thought to myself, "This is what made me so angry and upset all these years?". I forgave them right on the spot. I felt so much better afterwards.
I made a second trip to the priest and told him what happened. I explained that how could I expect forgiveness for my deeds if I couldn't forgive others? Not being able to forgive was hurting me spiritually. While we were talking, he had me bring up some others who I needed to forgive. I listed about three or four others. While I was with him, I was able to forgive them, too.
One of those was my ex-husband. I told the priest I didn't want to confront him though, because he knew what he did was wrong. All it would have done was upset ME not him!! I was truly able to forgive, but I'll never forget.
These days, I try really hard to have true forgiveness to others. They may not even know they hurt me. So far it has been working fine. Now I need to work on forgiving myself!! That one will be a little harder, I think.
Forgiveness is a very difficult thing to do. You can say the words, yet still harbor the same thoughts. You can only truly forgive if you have goodwill towards those who have wronged you. You can remember the lesson learned so you can try never to let it happen again. But that is more the situation rather than the person involved.
My learning how to forgive started with that elderly couple and has continued up until today. We never know what tomorrow will bring
(and don't I know that?) so that we must be able to do it now. We can't wait all those years like I did.
Love and peace to all.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
This is the #3 prompt in Self Discovery - What do you need to forgive yourself for?
I need to forgive myself for not kissing my daddy good bye when he left the day he died. I had just put on lipstick and I didn't want to get it on him. Little did I know he would be gone by 4PM. My brother called me to let me know and says it was the most difficult call he ever had to make. I still hold some guilt about it.
I need to forgive myself for not taking better care of my body when I was younger. Perhaps I could have helped prevent the two cancers I had in a year's time. I never did drink a lot, so that was never a problem. But I did smoke and did a lot of emotional eating and that was always stuff that wasn't good for me. Although I love my veggies and some fruits, I rarely ate them. For all of this I need to forgive myself.
The last thing for which I need to forgive myself is bringing my ex husband into the family. Not only did he hurt me, which I don't mind, but he stole from my mother. At the time of our divorce, the court ordered him to pay her back, but he never did. We were out to dinner with my aunt and uncle and some friends of ours who had a seven year old son and my aunt and uncle were mortified with the language he used especially in front of the little boy. Then we were at the funeral of a good friend's mother. He was laughing and joking about how he didn't divorce them, he killed them! (His first wife died when she was 32). However no one found him funny. And he really was insensitive to the family. So I don't care what you do to me, but don't mess with my family. I have had a hard time trying to forgiving him. There is so much more, but there isn't any point in going over it all. It was done to me and I can forgive for that and I have.
So these are the three things I need to forgive myself for. I wish I could just do it and be done with it and be able to move on, but I can't seem to do that. At one point I asked myself if I really wanted to or not. I thought it over for a long time and decided yes, I did want to. I know it will all come with time, but while that time is passing, I dream of how I can do it.
Me in Jan 2000. I had already been smoke free for 4 years.
Love and peace to everyone.
Monday, March 19, 2012
......about me. I'm back on track for the 30 prompts for self discovery.
I love that I have been trained in a number of jobs. I can do so much, but my age is creeping up on me so that I'm not physically able. Here is my list:
1. Law enforcement work
4. teaching about journaling
I know this is short, but it is difficult for me to talk about loving myself. It is not an easy task.
In law enforcement, at the first department where I worked, I was a dispatcher. My job included computer operator, radio and phone for our department plus 3 other departments, our fire/rescue, and our road department after hours. I was also a sworn deputy clerk of courts and kept the files for the State Attorney General and that eventually went to the FBI to track crime rates. We were also permitted to ride along with the officers.
In cosmetology, I am state licensed to do all services on hair, manicure, and pedicure services. I don't do artificial nails as I have an allergy to the bonding liquids. I had to have special permission to take my state boards.
With computers I went to computer school and learned a lot about Office, Project Manager, the Internet, and Front Page. That was for office 97 and I loved it better than the updates!!
Teaching about journaling comes from my minor in college - psychology. I have given the classes at retreats and over the computer.
As far as writing is concerned, I had two professors who took real interest in my poetry and short stories. I would receive extra lessons to help me out.
That's it for today. I hope you all laughed and smiled today.
Love and peace,
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Today is St Patrick's Day. The tradition is the wearing of green to celebrate. The green Irish are in their glory. They are also of the Catholic faith. However there are also the orange Irish who really don't like to celebrate. These Irishmen are of the protestant faith. The two should never be confused. The Orange name comes from King William III (William of Orange) who was king of England, Scotland, and Ireland. He was a Protestant. He had defeated King James II who was Roman Catholic in the Battle of Boyne. This was in 1690. And the political war between the two has gone on ever since. The Protestants in the north of Ireland celebrate that battle each year on 12 July. The flag of Ireland is equal size of green, white, and orange. The green represents the Catholics, the Orange the Protestants, and the white of peace in the hopes the two will join together.
My grandmother had a strong dislike of Catholics and I could never understand why. After all, my father was Catholic and she didn't seem to object to him marrying her daughter. So what gives? She was not the sort of woman one would ask why. So I went on in life never hearing from her what happened to make her feel that way.
I always knew she was mostly Irish, so I would have a ball on St Patrick's Day. Then I start into genealogy and found some information on the Russell line, which was my grandmother's maiden name. Her great - grandfather was the first immigrant to the USA in 1820. In discovering this, I also found some other information about the family. They came here in a small boat as they had to escape in a hurry and in the middle of the night. It seems his brother was hung in Ireland and he also had a warrant for him. His brother was a Presbyterian minister in County Tyrone. They were of Scot Irish descent. These were the Scots who the English gave land to in Ireland to help their holdings there and to more or less spy on what was going on with the Catholics. I finally had the answer to my question. The passionate dislike of Catholics by my grandmother was passed to her from her great - grandfather to her grandfather to her father to her.
Thus we are of the orange Irish and shouldn't be celebrating on today. But it doesn't really stop me. Although my mother carried over a little of her mother's feelings, my father's entire family was Catholic and I was much closer to them than my mother's side as far as aunts, uncles, and cousins. I did spend a lot of time with my mother's mother and father, so I did know them well, along with the cousins who were close to my age, but there weren't that many.
Anyway, I often wonder what my position would be if I still lived in Ireland. It would be fairly difficult not to chose sides. With the truce that is going on today, I wonder if it is the same situation. I'd bet it is. And what a shame it is. It is probably one of the reasons our forefathers made sure there would be separation of church and state in America. Most likely they didn't want one particular religion to be the one for the entire country and anyone of a different faith would have to practice in hiding or fight over it.
And that is my history lesson for today!
I hope everyone enjoyed the day.
Love and peace,
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