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Someone Needs Forgiveness

Saturday, March 24, 2012

This is #4 on my 30 day self discovery list.

There is much I have learned since my mama passed away in the summer of 1998. One of these things is how to forgive others. I had a real problem with this issue for a very long time.

There was a couple in the neighborhood from our hometown. As a matter of fact my father had been his boss. After my father died in 1976, they started to talk about my mama. I couldn't believe the things they were saying! They were awful, mean things that were totally untrue such as my mama had been fooling around on daddy. I was so angry I could never face them and confront them about it. I went to see the priest about this issue. He gave me some good advice how to confront them in a gentle but firm manner. Then I saw them at the calling hours for my mama. Both looked so small and frail. Both shuffled to walk and looked like they had lost inches. She was all hunched over. I thought to myself, "This is what made me so angry and upset all these years?". I forgave them right on the spot. I felt so much better afterwards.

I made a second trip to the priest and told him what happened. I explained that how could I expect forgiveness for my deeds if I couldn't forgive others? Not being able to forgive was hurting me spiritually. While we were talking, he had me bring up some others who I needed to forgive. I listed about three or four others. While I was with him, I was able to forgive them, too.

One of those was my ex-husband. I told the priest I didn't want to confront him though, because he knew what he did was wrong. All it would have done was upset ME not him!! I was truly able to forgive, but I'll never forget.

These days, I try really hard to have true forgiveness to others. They may not even know they hurt me. So far it has been working fine. Now I need to work on forgiving myself!! That one will be a little harder, I think.

Forgiveness is a very difficult thing to do. You can say the words, yet still harbor the same thoughts. You can only truly forgive if you have goodwill towards those who have wronged you. You can remember the lesson learned so you can try never to let it happen again. But that is more the situation rather than the person involved.

My learning how to forgive started with that elderly couple and has continued up until today. We never know what tomorrow will bring
(and don't I know that?) so that we must be able to do it now. We can't wait all those years like I did.

Love and peace to all.



Ev

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SAMMIESMOM13 3/25/2012 9:26PM

    Lovely blog, lovely thoughts. When you let someone else make you angry or hateful, you are actually giving them the power. You've taken that power back and are using it in a good and constructive way. Now do that same thing for yourself. Hugs,
Carol

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COACHPENNY 3/25/2012 11:44AM

    beautiful!

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OPALMOON 3/25/2012 7:05AM

    emoticon

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PMCFARM 3/25/2012 12:13AM

  Thank you again Ev for hiding out in my closet and showing a new direction in this process called healing! emoticon

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SUSIEPH1 3/24/2012 10:43PM

    I have found that our pride is often in the way of forgivness .. Once one realises this, it is much easier to deal with ..
Hugs emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 3/24/2012 10:44:05 PM

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HIKETOHEIGHTS 3/24/2012 10:07PM

    I appreciate your difficulty. I encountered gossip about someone I cared about recently and I did not care for it. The older I get the more I realize how destructive gossip can be. The ex-hubbs is a tough one for me emoticon.

Enjoy your strength!



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CHERIRIDDELL 3/24/2012 7:42PM

    WHat a marvelous blog ,very profound

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1STATEOFDENIAL 3/24/2012 3:21PM

    When we can't forgive and hold a grudge it hurts us, usually more than it hurts the person who wronged us. They may never even know the damage they've done, but by holding that grudge we spend so much of our energy on hate that we have little left over to love ourselves and the people who matter. When we can't forgive and move forward then we give our lives over to someone else to run. Continuous rehashing of the harm drains us and stops our lives from progressing into our future.

Like you said though, to forgive doesn't always mean to forget. Learn and move forward.

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GRAMMAP1 3/24/2012 2:46PM

    God tells us to forgive others as He has forgiven us. It is not easy. I tried to escape by saying "but that person has not asked for forgiveness". Carrying anger does more damage to you, yourself, than the one we refuse to forgive. We definitely are a work in progress. emoticon

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ELECTRALYTE 3/24/2012 12:42PM

    What a beautiful blog! Thank you for that.

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EJOY-EVELYN 3/24/2012 12:25PM

    Great work! True peace and joy can only be found by choosing forgiveness.

emoticon

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SMIDGON 3/24/2012 8:38AM

    A very good lesson learned!
Hugs,
Janet
~+~

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Forgiving myself

Thursday, March 22, 2012

This is the #3 prompt in Self Discovery - What do you need to forgive yourself for?

I need to forgive myself for not kissing my daddy good bye when he left the day he died. I had just put on lipstick and I didn't want to get it on him. Little did I know he would be gone by 4PM. My brother called me to let me know and says it was the most difficult call he ever had to make. I still hold some guilt about it.

I need to forgive myself for not taking better care of my body when I was younger. Perhaps I could have helped prevent the two cancers I had in a year's time. I never did drink a lot, so that was never a problem. But I did smoke and did a lot of emotional eating and that was always stuff that wasn't good for me. Although I love my veggies and some fruits, I rarely ate them. For all of this I need to forgive myself.

The last thing for which I need to forgive myself is bringing my ex husband into the family. Not only did he hurt me, which I don't mind, but he stole from my mother. At the time of our divorce, the court ordered him to pay her back, but he never did. We were out to dinner with my aunt and uncle and some friends of ours who had a seven year old son and my aunt and uncle were mortified with the language he used especially in front of the little boy. Then we were at the funeral of a good friend's mother. He was laughing and joking about how he didn't divorce them, he killed them! (His first wife died when she was 32). However no one found him funny. And he really was insensitive to the family. So I don't care what you do to me, but don't mess with my family. I have had a hard time trying to forgiving him. There is so much more, but there isn't any point in going over it all. It was done to me and I can forgive for that and I have.

So these are the three things I need to forgive myself for. I wish I could just do it and be done with it and be able to move on, but I can't seem to do that. At one point I asked myself if I really wanted to or not. I thought it over for a long time and decided yes, I did want to. I know it will all come with time, but while that time is passing, I dream of how I can do it.


Me in Jan 2000. I had already been smoke free for 4 years.

Love and peace to everyone.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CHERIRIDDELL 3/24/2012 7:46PM

    Forgiving others is always easier than forgiving ourselves.You have such insightful blogs I enjoy them they make me think !

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COACHPENNY 3/23/2012 8:47PM

    We don't know when we start each moment, each day, each journey what will happen to make us regret our decisions, small and large. We also don't know if those same decisions will bring us joy, laughter or love. So, I think it's the chances we don't risk that can leave us with the most to regret. If you never risk losing, you'll never have a chance to win. Life has to have both.....so forgive yourself but, understand that the outcome, is not always within your control.



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SUSIEPH1 3/22/2012 11:33PM

    Yes !!
I think we all have something to forgive ourselves for ... and we need to do it !!
it is so hard .. as quite often it also affects other's

Hugs my friend Susie emoticon

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LINDA! 3/22/2012 10:44PM

    Wonderfully insightful blog. One of the most difficult things I find in life is to forgive myself. I do try...when the guilt comes to my mind I do try to replace it with something positive.

emoticon

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DRUIDPRINCESS 3/22/2012 8:42PM

    A big warm hug to you! Be gentle with yourself! Forgiving ourselves (and others!) helps with the healing process, but do it gently and at a pace you can feel comfortable with, replacing the negative thoughts or voids with positive dreams of the future, positive revelations about your strengths, and an inner peace.

You are s strong, beautiful and precious person, who deserves wonderful feelings, friends, events and dreams.

Love and hugs to you!
emoticon

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SANDRALEET 3/22/2012 6:36PM

    We All do Things we wish we did not do.So did I God loves you he forgave you. he wants you to forgive your self.Love your self.Then you are on a path to peace with in your self.

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EJOY-EVELYN 3/22/2012 6:27PM

    Forgiveness is something you do for you. God demands it of us. To hold on to it only means you leave it on God's platter and what good does that do to have to address one more time? Forgive yourself and move on -- It's what God would want you do. It is such freedom that allows you to hear and make progress on the next will of God in your life. God loves you! God is not angry with you! He sent his son, Jesus, to die on the cross for our sins so he really would prefer to have our attention on more important matters . . . not on the past that he's already forgiven a repentant heart. Hug, Hug!

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1STATEOFDENIAL 3/22/2012 6:05PM

    Forgive yesterday, hope for tomorrow, do better today.

Forgiving is like accepting - you don't have to like or condone it to let it go. Instead, remind yourself that it is over and done with and dwelling over it destroys your todays and tomorrows.

Believe me, I have a huge problem with forgiving myself too and every day I have to remind myself that once something is done it can't be undone. By trying to do better we can try to prevent it from happening again.

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What I love most......

Monday, March 19, 2012

......about me. I'm back on track for the 30 prompts for self discovery.

I love that I have been trained in a number of jobs. I can do so much, but my age is creeping up on me so that I'm not physically able. Here is my list:

1. Law enforcement work

2. cosmetologist

3. computers

4. teaching about journaling

5. writer

I know this is short, but it is difficult for me to talk about loving myself. It is not an easy task.

In law enforcement, at the first department where I worked, I was a dispatcher. My job included computer operator, radio and phone for our department plus 3 other departments, our fire/rescue, and our road department after hours. I was also a sworn deputy clerk of courts and kept the files for the State Attorney General and that eventually went to the FBI to track crime rates. We were also permitted to ride along with the officers.

In cosmetology, I am state licensed to do all services on hair, manicure, and pedicure services. I don't do artificial nails as I have an allergy to the bonding liquids. I had to have special permission to take my state boards.

With computers I went to computer school and learned a lot about Office, Project Manager, the Internet, and Front Page. That was for office 97 and I loved it better than the updates!!

Teaching about journaling comes from my minor in college - psychology. I have given the classes at retreats and over the computer.

As far as writing is concerned, I had two professors who took real interest in my poetry and short stories. I would receive extra lessons to help me out.

That's it for today. I hope you all laughed and smiled today.

Love and peace,
Ev

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PMFISH 3/21/2012 6:55PM

    emoticon Thanks for sharing!

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GOSPELCLOWN 3/21/2012 10:51AM

    I should give this assignment to myself. I like your list!

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CHERIRIDDELL 3/20/2012 11:19PM

    Awesome Ev you are multi-talented !

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MOM2ACAT 3/20/2012 5:21PM

    It might be a short list, but that is lot of experience and talent!

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SNUZSUZ 3/20/2012 9:20AM

    Wow! You have so much going for you, good job!

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SUSIEPH1 3/20/2012 3:25AM

    WOW!! Thats just awesome Ev!!..
Hugs Susie emoticon

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COACHPENNY 3/20/2012 12:37AM

    Could be why you are such an interesting person, Ev.

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DEBBIESTY 3/19/2012 9:11PM

    What is the 30 prompts of self discovery?

I agree that you are indeed multi-talented. Looks like you've lived a wonderful life!, and continue to do so!

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SMIDGON 3/19/2012 8:06PM

    We have something in common!
I was in law enforcement.
I was a juvy. court courier. Very interesting.

Hugs,
Janet

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OPALMOON 3/19/2012 7:35PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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NORASPAT 3/19/2012 7:30PM

    It takes me all day to get things done on the computer, so I envy you those talents. Pat in Maine. emoticon emoticon

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LOSTLIME 3/19/2012 7:20PM

    You are multi talented. Ineed to work on myself. I am not as multi talented.

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Green or Orange?

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Today is St Patrick's Day. The tradition is the wearing of green to celebrate. The green Irish are in their glory. They are also of the Catholic faith. However there are also the orange Irish who really don't like to celebrate. These Irishmen are of the protestant faith. The two should never be confused. The Orange name comes from King William III (William of Orange) who was king of England, Scotland, and Ireland. He was a Protestant. He had defeated King James II who was Roman Catholic in the Battle of Boyne. This was in 1690. And the political war between the two has gone on ever since. The Protestants in the north of Ireland celebrate that battle each year on 12 July. The flag of Ireland is equal size of green, white, and orange. The green represents the Catholics, the Orange the Protestants, and the white of peace in the hopes the two will join together.


My grandmother had a strong dislike of Catholics and I could never understand why. After all, my father was Catholic and she didn't seem to object to him marrying her daughter. So what gives? She was not the sort of woman one would ask why. So I went on in life never hearing from her what happened to make her feel that way.

I always knew she was mostly Irish, so I would have a ball on St Patrick's Day. Then I start into genealogy and found some information on the Russell line, which was my grandmother's maiden name. Her great - grandfather was the first immigrant to the USA in 1820. In discovering this, I also found some other information about the family. They came here in a small boat as they had to escape in a hurry and in the middle of the night. It seems his brother was hung in Ireland and he also had a warrant for him. His brother was a Presbyterian minister in County Tyrone. They were of Scot Irish descent. These were the Scots who the English gave land to in Ireland to help their holdings there and to more or less spy on what was going on with the Catholics. I finally had the answer to my question. The passionate dislike of Catholics by my grandmother was passed to her from her great - grandfather to her grandfather to her father to her.

Thus we are of the orange Irish and shouldn't be celebrating on today. But it doesn't really stop me. Although my mother carried over a little of her mother's feelings, my father's entire family was Catholic and I was much closer to them than my mother's side as far as aunts, uncles, and cousins. I did spend a lot of time with my mother's mother and father, so I did know them well, along with the cousins who were close to my age, but there weren't that many.


Anyway, I often wonder what my position would be if I still lived in Ireland. It would be fairly difficult not to chose sides. With the truce that is going on today, I wonder if it is the same situation. I'd bet it is. And what a shame it is. It is probably one of the reasons our forefathers made sure there would be separation of church and state in America. Most likely they didn't want one particular religion to be the one for the entire country and anyone of a different faith would have to practice in hiding or fight over it.

And that is my history lesson for today!

I hope everyone enjoyed the day.

Love and peace,

Ev




  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CHERIRIDDELL 3/24/2012 7:54PM

    Here's one for you there is a song called The Orange and the Green" it goes " Oh it's the biggest mix-up that you have everr seen me father he was orange and me Mother she was Green " that was my life.I was baptised both Catholic by my Mother and Protestant by my father.Here are the rest of the lyrics obviously I am a girl not a boy (and I never bashed anyone LOL but I am strictly neatral!)My father was an Ulster man, proud Protestant was he.
My mother was a Catholic girl. From county Cork was she.
They were married in two churches, lived happily enough,
Until the day that I was born. Then, things got rather tough.

Oh, it is the biggest mix-up that you have ever seen.
My father, he was Orange and me mother, she was green.

Baptized by Father Reilly, I was rushed away by car,
To be made a little Orangeman, my father's shining star.
I was christened "David Anthony," but still, inspite of that,
To my father, I was William, while my mother called me Pat.

Oh, it is the biggest mix-up that you have ever seen.
My father, he was Orange and me mother, she was green.

With Mother every Sunday, to Mass I'd proudly stroll.
Then after that, the Orange lodge would try to save my soul.
For both sides tried to claim me, but i was smart because
I'd play the flute or play the harp, depending where I was.

Oh, it is the biggest mix-up that you have ever seen.
My father, he was Orange and me mother, she was green.

One day my Ma's relations came round to visit me.
Just as my father's kinfolk were all sitting down to tea.
We tried to smooth things over, but they all began to fight.
And me, being strictly neutral, I bashed everyone in sight.

Oh, it is the biggest mix-up that you have ever seen.
My father, he was Orange and me mother, she was green.

My parents never could agree about my type of school.
My learning was all done at home, that's why I'm such a fool.
They've both passed on, God rest 'em, but left me caught between
That awful color problem of the Orange and the Green.



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GOSPELCLOWN 3/21/2012 10:59AM

    Up here in Canada, there is a lot of green worn on the 17th. Everyone pretends to be "Irish" for one day and the Dollar Stores really sell all sorts of junky stuff to help celebrations.
Most folks use the day to drink too much. hmmm.

How often do I pray for Ireland and real deep, meaningful PEACE? Usually never. Seven hundred years of violence and hatred is difficult to purge.

It seems humans prefer to hate rather than try to understand and love.

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LINDA! 3/18/2012 8:14PM

    Loved your blog. Years ago I heard a sermon in the church I attended and we were all told to wear orange, after the history lesson. I am divided how I feel about it. I am actually more of English descent but sometimes will wear green on St. Patty's Day just because I enjoy the festivity of the "holidays".



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JENS75 3/18/2012 3:57PM

  I am actually 100% Irish, and only first generation, so I was made acutely aware of the differentiation of the green and orange. Also, the purpose of the white symbolizing peace between the Protestants and Catholics. Thankfully things have calmed down quite a bit in my lifetime, and while you still don't want to sing a Catholic pub song in a Protestant bar, or vice verse, it is not nearly as scary as it was 10 years ago. Thanks for the information, and I hope you had a blessed and safe St. Patrick's day celebration! :)

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SNUZSUZ 3/18/2012 3:04PM

    Never heard of the orange thing, but it was very interesting to read! I am Scot-Irish and Dutch, and never knew much about by heritage at all:)

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RD03875 3/18/2012 10:40AM

    Very interesting information, I did not know this, so from now on, I will wear Orange on this day!

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NORASPAT 3/18/2012 9:49AM

    MY DH -an English immigrant to the US keeps his orange shirt handy for Paddy’s day as they call it over here in the US. We were both born and raised in England, both the original WASP you might say.
I walked to my Church of England school from my grandmothers home and daily I was bullied by children my age from the Catholic school as I tried to walk past them. Those memories really do color our lives.
Their are more wars caused by religion all over the world, and that is the sad part of celebrating mostly religious events.
In Scotland the Catholics had a Corpus Christi procession and there was conflict and when I as a child asked why it was, I was told because the Catholics had scrambled the ORANGE WALK. People traveled at that time from one country to the other just to do that in Glasgow. I will never forget the sight of grown men disturbing a group of little girls in white as they paraded down the street. I was another small girl watching that parade when we visited friends in Glasgow, I will never forget it.
If the flag had the orange and the green together “Surrounded” by the white it would make much more sense. On the FLAG they are DIVIDED by peace and always reminded of that division. It would be so significant to change the flag and put the troubles and memories behind them. Thanks for the History, I appreciated your Blog as I remember those bullying days every time I see a St Patrick's day parade. emoticon emoticon


Comment edited on: 3/18/2012 9:51:48 AM

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SANDRALEET 3/18/2012 8:32AM

    The things that happen can effect use a long time .

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LOSTLIME 3/18/2012 8:08AM

    Well,being Irish and born on St. Patrick's Day,I never wear
green. I am Catholic also. I guess I should but then again I don't.

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CBEVNOW 3/18/2012 1:47AM

    A very lovely story and i saw something similiar to this on PBS.

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RGEETING 3/18/2012 1:33AM

    Thanks for clarifying it! Growing up, from somewhere, I was told that as Christians, we should wear orange, not green... Never really understood it... never really celebrated it, either... no particular reason...

Glad I understand a bit more now! Yes - strong feelings are definitely passed down from generation to generation! Makes one pause and reflect... "What am I passing down to my descendents?"

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SUSIEPH1 3/18/2012 12:17AM

    Loved your Blog! Very interesting ..
My grandmother was Irish, she came from Cork .
She married my grandfather who was Scots..
My mother married a Frenchman... so what does that make me LOL!!.
I don't really celebrate St Paddys Day these days...
Not because of religion but just because it is not that prevelent here in Australia ...

Hugs Susie
emoticon emoticon

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EJOY-EVELYN 3/18/2012 12:02AM

    I thought I heard the Today show tell me that they do not celebrate St Patrick's Day in Ireland the way we celebrate.

As for color, I celebrate with the green. However, now that I know the truth, my faith is catholic with a small-c, so I really should be an orange celebrator. If I had my wits about me, I'd celebrate them all, as all of life is worthy of praise and glory to my magnificent creator.

Loved your blog!

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1STATEOFDENIAL 3/18/2012 12:00AM

    Wow - thanks for the lesson! I had no idea! It is incredible the things we learn when we start paying attention and try to understand.

Though I do have to point out that this same thing is happening in our own time, even in our own country. In some cases it is apparent - like around Palastine. In many other cases it isn't as obvious - like in the battles between the political sphere of our country. If you're in a different political party you're supposed to hate the other side.

This is just a reminder that we all have to share this land and share the world and it is easier to be accepting and loving than to spend all of our energy hating each other.

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And the winner is.....

Thursday, March 15, 2012

The winner of the chair naming contest is: Roxie!! Lola was second with one vote difference. Scarlett was third with one point difference. And finally Ruby was fourth with one point difference. I found that really something that they were all so close. I should be getting her any day now. All that needs done is for the doctor to sign the papers.

The presenter of Roxie is: Britt831.

Yesterday's doctor's appointment went really well. He looked at my mammogram and did an exam and stated that everything was excellent!! I won't have to go for another mammogram for a year and I don't have to see him for six months!! He checked the area where the wound from the feeding tube was and said it had healed nicely!! It's about time I had some good news!!



I have been able to add lots of vegetables to my meals. I seem to do better with them than I do with fruit. I have even tried the lettuce for a wrap for my sandwich rather than bread. I don't do too many meats and carbs are still difficult. I can't eat sweets at all, but I don't think this is a bad thing!!

emoticon

As for exercise, I can still take my walks with the help of Pinkie - my walker. Sometimes I have to change up the videos as they are too difficult for me in their original format. And I still do my PT and OT exercises I learned form the home health care. But I don't see my strength returning. As a matter of fact I think it may be a little less.

That's it for today.

Love and peace to everyone.



Ev

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GOSPELCLOWN 3/21/2012 11:00AM

    I like the name Roxie too. Wasn't there a rock n roll song about Roxie Roller? Roll on baby!

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PUDLECRAZY 3/16/2012 2:37PM

    Go Roxie!

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OPALMOON 3/16/2012 9:11AM

    emoticon emoticon

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SNUZSUZ 3/16/2012 5:48AM

    congratulations on your mammogram result!

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CHERIRIDDELL 3/16/2012 12:30AM

    Ev you and Roxie are ready to take on the world !

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EJOY-EVELYN 3/15/2012 10:19PM

    WooHoo . . . lookout, Roxie is one her way! Boogie, Boogie!

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PMFISH 3/15/2012 9:17PM

    Day late and a dollar short - I just post on yesterday's blog. Then I saw this one. I hope Roxie was what you were leaning toward!

Love your Dr.'s report. Give your self some time on the strength returning, because you are limited on the fuel you can give your body now. Great you are keeping up with your PT and OT exercises, plus walking.

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PUFFPASTRY 3/15/2012 7:37PM

    Yayyy, Roxie! I like that Roxie is red, and the walker is Pinkie. There's a definite theme going on. I also like that you name things, in general, because I do too! My sequence of computers has been: Dogbert, Pumpkin, Muffin, and Raisin (currently typing on Raisin), and my smartphone is named Fritter. emoticon

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LINDA! 3/15/2012 7:04PM

    It sounds like you are doing very well. emoticon

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PIMPINELLAN50 3/15/2012 6:46PM

    Big Cheer's to you and Roxie emoticon
May you have many happy adventures together!
Glad that you had good news from the doctors visit. emoticon

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COACHPENNY 3/15/2012 5:46PM

    Roxie it is! Here's grand adventures with your new wheels!

emoticon

You need to have a christening ceremony!

Re...the lack of energy.....have your iron levels been checked recently? If you aren't eating a lot of meat, your iron stores may be low. You could also ask your doc about B-12 shots....if they still do that. B vitamins do help...especially B-12.

I had really low iron at one time and I felt like a windup doll running out of oomph.

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MISSCUS 3/15/2012 5:10PM

    Happy to hear you named your baby Roxie. That is a nice name. Good job for keeping up with your exercises. Sometimes we all feel weaker at times. I know I do. But keep it up cause it's better to do than not do at all.
emoticon

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MOM2ACAT 3/15/2012 3:13PM

    That is great! Go Ev and Go Roxie!

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SUSIEPH1 3/15/2012 2:15PM

    Hi Ev !.
Your attitude is wonderful and I am so glad your roxie will be there soon .. Baby steps my friend .. your strength will return... it all takes time !.
Hugs Susie emoticon emoticon

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SMIDGON 3/15/2012 1:50PM

    You do what you have to do!

God Bless You and Yours,
Janet

~+~

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SANDRALEET 3/15/2012 11:30AM

    best of luck .best of health.

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BESCATS 3/15/2012 11:25AM

    Yea, way to go, it sounds like you are making progress. Don't get discouraged, baby steps are the way to go. Glad to hear that all went well with your doctor appointment. Keep up the good work. emoticon emoticon

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