Thursday, November 11, 2010
That day when you left, I didn’t want to kiss you because
I had just put on my lipstick and did not want to smear it on you. I live with that every day of my life. How was I to know it would be the last time I would see you alive? And as hard as that is, it is nothing compared to the unanswered questions I have for you.
Why, Daddy? Was I such a bad child that you felt it was necessary to use the strap and your fists? Have you any idea how your actions have affected my life? From the time you had your first heart attack, I was told if you got upset you could die. No matter how hard I tried to be good, you were always angry with me. No matter how I tried to avoid you, you would come after me. In the end, you died anyway, but I wasn’t around to be blamed! Remember the time the phone rang during dinner and you yelled saying I knew I wasn’t permitted calls during meals? I left the table to go to my room because I was crying and I knew how you hated it when I cried. Well, I really though I was going to die that night, too, along with you. David pulled you off and held you down or I might have. I was a teenager then, Daddy. Did you not think it would affect me? Do you know how many years I had issues with Mama because I thought she could and should have stopped you? Do you know how rotten my relationships with men have been? Two failed marriages and other lovers that I have driven away with my insecurity. The hours I have had to spend in therapy trying to get past the low self esteem, but not quite making it. Do you know how heavy I have become? When you are fat, you don’t have to deal with men. They want nothing to do with you and you can more or less hide behind your looks. YOU did that to me, Daddy, and I just really want to know why. I was able to ask Mama for forgiveness for being so hateful to her about all this and I was able to forgive her as I became able to see she did the best she could under the circumstances. I need to forgive you for my own good, but I just can’t seem to do so. Perhaps this letter will help me.
Something you need to know, Daddy. David has been able to break the cycle! I am so extremely proud of him for never, ever raising a hand to ANYONE in anger!!!
I don’t know how difficult this has been for him. All I know is my brother is not like our father and that is wonderful.
Yes, Daddy, I loved you and was always the one with you. Aunt Millie has told me how you would go to her and cry for what you had done. But I was the one who needed to know that and you never told me. I am going to say I forgive you. I really want to do so. I hope, for both of us, that I can mean it and release all of this in my heart, too.
Your loving daughter,
Tuesday, November 09, 2010
The Push - Evelyn Dabelko Cruze 2002
Last week I fell again because I was pushed.
It was one of those “Excuse me”
pushes - you know the kind.
It is when someone passing by bumps you
backwards using a body part
other than the hands – and then says,
“Excuse me. I didn’t see you.”
RIGHT! At my size you couldn’t see me!
Another response – “Excuse me –
I didn’t realize you were that close.”
Am I so inconsequential that
I am invisible to you?
All I know is I hurt –
physically and emotionally.
Trust has been broken.
And, no, I don’t think I shall excuse you.
Right now I just cannot.
Evelyn Dabelko Cruze 2000
Yesterday someone said the words.
They are just words.
Yet, they drew me in and
pushed me over the edge
into the abyss below.
As I sank into the nothingness,
I knew I was entering a place
where I used to go to hide.
It is a place of long ago and
I believed it to be gone forever.
Evidently I was wrong.
I thought I was past all of
that and healed.
Yet once more I find
I am not.
As I try to come back
to a brightly lit world,
to this place and time
where I feel safe,
the struggle gets to be
too much. And I give in
The crying always helps
cleanse my soul and keep
me from the anger and pain.
I thrash about and scream,
but no one can hear me –
only my own mind.
There is no answer.
Once more I shall have
to discover a way to recover.
And pray God this will someday
have an end.
My days have been difficult and don't seem to want to pass. I' trying really hard to stay positive, but there are times I just cannot. These two poems tell my story has gone on way too long and I want to be free of them. The most wonderful thing is being a member of this uplifting community. I am very grateful for everyone here that I have contact with. Such a joy being here. Perhaps with changing to a healthy lifestyle the gift will help me deal with my bipolar.
Love and peace today and always.
Monday, November 01, 2010
When I was ten yrs old - the beginning of 6th grade - we were all weighed and measured.
They would do the same at the end of the year to see how we changed. My results: 5'4" and 120 pounds. That sounds great, doesn't it? Not! I was large all over and I was teased about it. The favorite was to call me was "Heavy Evie". So much happened that year. I had already -become a "woman in the middle of 5th grade shortly after turning ten. It happened so early that my mama hadn't had a chance to explain it all to me and I was scared I was dying. That summer everyone decided I need a bra. The end of the following month - the day after my 11th birthday - my dad had a heart attack. Once more mama didn't get home in time to explain to me what happened. I was at home by myself when a co-worker called to ask if my dad was ok. I didn't understand and said he wasn't home. This guy was very gentle with me as he blurted dad was in the hospital. I hung up and ran to a neighbor's home crying. You must understand that my dad worked for the local road department as assistant department head. In my 11 year old, all I could imagine was that my daddy had been squished when a bed of a truck squished him. I was sobbing by the time I arrived at my neighbor's home. All she knew was her high school daughter who was in my brother's class told her my mama had taken him out of school earlier that day. As Mrs. Welsh was trying to locate mama at the school where she taught, we saw mama driving down the street. My mama was called to let her know where I was. She came and got me and on the way to the hospital she explained to me what had happened. At that time hospitals would not let children under 12 to see patients. Since mama
had gotten me at the neighbors, I didn't have any of my schoolbooks with me and just sat there. The next day when the teacher asked me for my homework I told him I didn't have it and why. He raged at me for lying about such a thing and sent me to the principal's office. They decided I needed time to think what I did by lying about my dad. Finally the secretary convinced the principal to call my mama's school. He was really sympathetic when he learned I had been truthful, but the teacher never said a word and was awful to me the rest of the year. I guess I don't have to tell you that when we had the end of the year weigh in, I was 5'4 and a half inches and weighed 132 pounds. By the time I was in 9th grade, never studied, and weighed 164. My mama put me on a diet and it was impossible for me to cheat - mostly of the time. I was selected as a majorette in summer band. That gave me plenty of exercise. I did very well and by the end of my senior year I was 5'and 5and a half inches and weighed 120 again and looked a whole lot better. But that was then and the is is now.
I quit smoking and rewarded myself by using the money I saved to sign up for internet connection. I gained about 40 pounds from becoming smoke-free. I joined weight watchers, was married a year and a half later. My husband was very supportive. He joined weight watchers with me and we joined the Y to feel even better. We had gone to England for our honeymoon and had walked all around London. We both felt great after that, we wanted to keep that feeling. But all good intentions sometimes aren't as positive as they are supposed to be. While using the air cycle I heard a snap. I was able to finish my workout. It was after I dressed, I could barely walk and I was in tremendous pain. I had an MRI and decided to go to the sports medicine doctor at the University of Florida hospital. When Doc Pete got into the surgery for what he thought was to repair a torn meniscus, he found I had nothing there. It was bone against bone. He had to drill into one bone to make it bleed and form scar tissue to cushion the knee. I had four months of bed rest. Then when I was able to start PT. a new therapist was there who had me doing exercises with very heavy weights on my ankles. When I told him it hurt he had me doing more. When he finally had me finish, my pillow was soaked. He was surprised and I told, I had said it hurt. He scolded me for not working hard enough to keep the scar tissue off the surgical area. I informed him with my surgery we were trying to build the tissue, but it was too late. The damage was done. Doc Pete was furious and told me to not go back to that rehab center. He told me it would take much, much longer for me to be normal, but it was better than some idiot blowing out all the work he had done. He thought I could do a few things on my own. He had been right. All the work he had done was blown out!
Today this is my situation. Some days are really good and I can walk freely around the house, but still use a cane outside. Other days aren't quite as good and I use my 4 wheel walker around the house and outdoors. Then on really bad days I use my motorized chair. My walker is pink and the black chair on it has a breast cancer awareness ribbon on it, as is the same ribbon on the piece that one uses for a back rest while using the seat. Her name is Pinkie. My chair is Maxine. She got her name because I was on a scrapbooking forum and I asked the members for name suggestions- I gave them 5 days to respond. At the end of that time I set up a vote. Maxine had more votes than any other. She also received many comments saying because the character Maxine has attitude and I should have it, too. So Maxine it is. My walker my hubby dubbed Pinkie and it has stuck. He has also decorated some canes for me. When I had to start using one, he said I might as well have something special. One is in Gator colors with their symbol at the top. I also have a Christmas one, a Mardi Gras one, and one that is an everyday one. He has done a fantastic job!
He joined SP, too, but isn't as active as I. But then it took me a while to explore and know how to use the site. So that's my story and I'm sticking to it! I have lost 31 pounds since April. I'm quite excited about that! I wish I could do a daily walk of 30 minutes without Pinkie, but that doesn't seem like it will happen any time soon. My health issues besides the knee problem that took about 8 years to let me even walk on my own is that I have asthma which leaves me wheezing a lot if I try to do too much. So now you know the rest of the story. Well not quite all, but for now at least. I really don't want you to lose your eyesight by this being so long!!!
Have lots of love and peace today,
This is Maxine.
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