Friday, March 12, 2010
i'm not gonna lie. this has been a tough couple of months. everything fell apart at the end of january then got worse in february. i was hoping things would get better in march. so far not happening. i've been trying to figure out what went wrong (stress, money, motivation) and how to fix it.
it's just been so hard! i was doing so well. even typing this is difficult. i just want to quit. i want to quit it all. i even contemplated leaving the community team since it was such a burden to do the weekly requirements. but i want the fear of being kicked out to keep me going. i don't want to be the person i am anymore. i want to take control of my life. i want to fix the problems. i have to stop letting them controlling me. i have got to get this money problem figured out somehow. i can't even remember the last time i had a fruit or vegetable. i even bought top ramen!
i can't get myself to workout. i set my alarm every morning then turn it off as soon as it goes off and go back to sleep. i make up excuses to not workout after work. this sucks and i'm sick of it!
i've been struggling with alcohol issues for the past 5 years or so. it's been a serious problem. i spend too much money on booze, i've gained a lot of weight in the past few years and i know alcohol has a big part in that. i was watching the doctors a week or two ago and jillian michaels was on there. she was talking to this lady about how she couldn't lose weight and what she thought may be a cause for her struggles. the lady admitted being addicted to lattes. jillian told her she needed to hate the lattes. she needed to recognize what they are doing to her, how they are killing her and effecting her life. i realize this is what i need to do with alcohol. i've been working on it. it's tough. for some reason it's my crutch and what i keep coming back to.
i gave up soda for a year, haven't had fast food in 2010, but i can't steer clear of alcohol for more than a week. what is wrong with me?!
the scale is starting to climb and that freaks me out. i was actually losing weight at a good pace. i was down 10 lbs, now i'm watching that success disappear.
i can't quit. i need to do this. for me, for my family, for the kids i haven't had. i have to find the strength in myself to keep going on this journey.
Monday, February 01, 2010
i received this book in january with the intention of doing the 28 day challenge in february. i'm relieve to learn i'm not alone in this journey. it's an official challenge. i will try to support my fellow sparkers. lets get sparking!
my fast break goals are:
1. track everything i eat everyday
2. workout at least 30 minutes a day
3. listen to a get-up-and-go song daily. start a playlist with these songs.
i have decided to make my spark time at 4 am. at that time i intend to workout, journal, reflect on my progress, enjoy a cup of tea, listen to aforementioned music, rejuvinate and embrace the peace of a new day.
my rewards are a book for fast break success and new jeans for challenge success.
i came up with a few other goals to work on for february. i feel they will greatly help me succeed in this challenge. they are:
1. lose 10 lbs
2. track everything i consume
3. no alcohol
4. 3 liters of water a day
5. workout everyday, 30 minutes min
6. in bed by 10 & up at 4
January was a great month for me. i ate very well, consumed almost no alcohol, worked out almost every day. i also lost 6 lbs, 4 of which were the weight i gained over the holidays. i thought that was a great number for who the month was overall. i know i can accomplish way more in february. january was a stepping stone. february will be lifechanging!
Sunday, January 24, 2010
tomorrow i turn 30. i'm unhappy with this for many reasons. one being my current health status. i realize i have spent the majority of my 20's being overweight, unhealthy and unhappy. i don't want to do that anymore! i don't want to spend my 30's in this body. i had a goal to be very close to my goal weight by the time i turned 30. i have come to realize when i put dates on my goals (lose 20 lbs by christmas, etc), i set myself up for failure. so i'm nowhere near my goal. but i'm working hard and losing, i have to be happy with that.
i've been thinking about my weight gain patterns and history the past few days. i'm trying to find the triggers for my weight gain and i think i have done a pretty good job. i'm going to share them as a reminder to not let history repeat itself.
i've always been in a healthy weight range, until i was 19. i've never been happy with my weight or my body. i was active in high school and never had a problem with my weight. even though i thought i was fat and ate as little as i possibly could. i gained the freshmen 15 and then some in college. i worked fast food until i was 20. it really started taking a toll on me when i was 19. i had gained weight in college and wasn't as active as i had been. i got lazy with my running, started drinking a lot. depression got the best of me and i just let myself go. i met my future husband and lost the weight i had gained. then gained it back. thus starting the yo-yo of the next 10 years. i quit the fast food business and lost a ton of weight. i was back to my high school weight and felt great!
that was mid-2000. things started changing later in the year when i had moved in with my boyfriend. we partied a lot and my life became less and less active in the fitness area. i still wasn't as heavy as i had gotten when i was 19. we got engaged late in 2000 and i started getting in shape cause i wanted to look good at my wedding.
2001 wasn't bad. i was planning the wedding, losing weight and getting in shape. i was working out every day and looked great! after the wedding i wasn't as diligent as i had been about my health. but still kept active and walked daily.
2002 was when things started going bad. i went back to school and still worked full time. i was gaining weight. i didn't have time to work out daily and dinner usually came from the frozen food section or a can.
2003 was an interesting year. i was really trying to get my weight back in control, yet hanging out and drinking beer with friends almost every night. especially thirsty thursdays in the school parking lot then heading to someone's house to drink some more. partying every weekend and still eating horribly. it all just became a way of life.
2004 was complete and total drama. part of that drama was caused by how horrible i felt about myself. i joined weight watchers and lost 35 lbs. i was 5 - 10 lbs from my goal weight in 2005 when i became over confident in myself and started doing it my way. that summer i was back to my high school weight again and looked good. but i stopped weighing myself cause the scale was not responding the way i thought it should be. i stopped tracking food and points cause by then i knew what i was doing. big mistake. i need accountability!
over the next 3 years i started gaining weight slowly. i kept telling myself i would do something about it. and i did. for like a week. i'd tell myself no more alcohol. then i'd go to a birthday party have a couple drinks and just start drinking on an almost daily basis. i was still trying to get my life back in order from 2004. i was drinking a lot. i was stressed and i hated my job and my life. i was drinking at least a 6 pack a day. plus not eating great almost daily. i felt completely out of control and all i could do was step on the scale every monday and watch the numbers go up 1 or 2 lbs a week.
i never found that motivation and determination to lose weight like i had in 2004 and 2005. i just couldn't get back into that lifestyle. but i knew i needed to. in 2008 my weight hit a plateau at about 230. i kept losing and gaining the same few lbs. which i thought was good: i wasn't gaining! but i wasn't losing either. i was eating so bad! i cut back on the drinking quite a bit, but it was still too much. i focused on eating more healthy, but i would still eat way too much every day. and i have never, even today, been able to get back in that groove where i worked out every day. or even regularly. though i am getting better at it right now.
in may 2009 i joined sparkpeople. it has been a great help. i bought a house over the summer and was just completely busy for months. in october i was finally able to start focusing on myself and what sp could do for me. i started focusing on what i wanted. what i didn't want. how i wanted 30 to be better than the majority of my 20's. it's been a slow, frustrating 7 months, but i've learned a lot about myself. like how i got to where i am today. i know i can achieve my goals, i just need to work at it one day at a time, one hour some days. i can't set goals for the future. i can work on something for a week or month, but i have to focus on the present. the big picture freaks me out too much. i stress, i eat, i hide from my running shoes.
when i step on the scale tomorrow it won't tell me the weight i had set as a goal back in october. but it will show me a better number than where i was in october. and that means something!
i'm not looking forward to being 30 because of the failures in my life. at the same time, i'm looking forward to being 30 because it's an opportunity to start over and fix what i've done wrong in the last 10 years. i will learn from my mistakes and i will make myself a better person because of them. starting tomorrow, when i'm not so hungover from my big birthday party last night!
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