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ready to throw in the towel

Friday, March 12, 2010

i'm not gonna lie. this has been a tough couple of months. everything fell apart at the end of january then got worse in february. i was hoping things would get better in march. so far not happening. i've been trying to figure out what went wrong (stress, money, motivation) and how to fix it.

it's just been so hard! i was doing so well. even typing this is difficult. i just want to quit. i want to quit it all. i even contemplated leaving the community team since it was such a burden to do the weekly requirements. but i want the fear of being kicked out to keep me going. i don't want to be the person i am anymore. i want to take control of my life. i want to fix the problems. i have to stop letting them controlling me. i have got to get this money problem figured out somehow. i can't even remember the last time i had a fruit or vegetable. i even bought top ramen!

i can't get myself to workout. i set my alarm every morning then turn it off as soon as it goes off and go back to sleep. i make up excuses to not workout after work. this sucks and i'm sick of it!

i've been struggling with alcohol issues for the past 5 years or so. it's been a serious problem. i spend too much money on booze, i've gained a lot of weight in the past few years and i know alcohol has a big part in that. i was watching the doctors a week or two ago and jillian michaels was on there. she was talking to this lady about how she couldn't lose weight and what she thought may be a cause for her struggles. the lady admitted being addicted to lattes. jillian told her she needed to hate the lattes. she needed to recognize what they are doing to her, how they are killing her and effecting her life. i realize this is what i need to do with alcohol. i've been working on it. it's tough. for some reason it's my crutch and what i keep coming back to.

i gave up soda for a year, haven't had fast food in 2010, but i can't steer clear of alcohol for more than a week. what is wrong with me?!

the scale is starting to climb and that freaks me out. i was actually losing weight at a good pace. i was down 10 lbs, now i'm watching that success disappear.

i can't quit. i need to do this. for me, for my family, for the kids i haven't had. i have to find the strength in myself to keep going on this journey.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DAWNWS1 3/15/2010 9:30PM

    So sorry I missed this when you wrote it, but I do hope things are going better for you and you've been able to find the motivation to get back on the right track. Remember, baby steps...you don't have to get it perfect right away, just take those baby steps in the right direction and things will fall into place. I'm so glad to see how much great support you've already gotten here!!!

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TARAFANA1 3/15/2010 12:56PM

    I'm glad everyone has been so supportive of you. I've been gone for quite awhile now and I thought I'd see how all my Spark friends were doing and I clicked on your profile and saw how much weight you've lost. It made me smile! I hope you remember to vent anytime you feel like giving up, there will always be someone here to give you a shoulder to cry on and a kick in the tush. Also, I second the "AA" etc program too, I've known a few people who have gone through the program and it's really helped them.

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W8WHITTILER 3/15/2010 10:52AM

    Don't ever quit on YOURSELF!

There are things in life that are a struggle, bumps in the road that cause us to fall down and not want to get back up..

But you can do this, it won't be overnight, so just make a plan, for a week, get through that week, then plan another..
Challenge yourself to spend the money on the fruits and veggies for one week..and each DAY that succeed look yourself in the mirror and say "You can do this, You are worth this, it will take alot of work, and alot of sweat and alot of struggles back and forth, but you are strong and you can win at anything"

You have alot of support here, so don't be afraid to reach out to us, we want to help and be right there beside you when you cross that finish line!

Your very own emoticon

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MOMFAN 3/14/2010 12:42AM

    You can do this! I know my addiction when I started my journey over a year ago was food. I couldn't just stop eating so I had to learn to eat healthy and portion control and right choices. I had to take control of my choices and you do too. You can do this we are rooting for you.

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PROUDMOM2BOYS 3/13/2010 5:55PM

    emoticonHang in there! You have lots of support through the Spark Community! emoticon

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KSW1963 3/13/2010 9:48AM

    As long as you keep trying there is hope! Please don't give up. You have already done something good by blogging this and getting it "out there." I have felt the way you have....not with alcohol...but with other addictions to food, diet coke, and just plain laziness and depression. What helps me sometimes is to think about "What makes a good day?" I would write a list....and then no matter how I felt, I would do the things on my list....focusing on just the one day. Your list might include exercising for at least 15 min (doesn't even have to be consecutive...just 15 min of intentional exercise.) You might also put eat a piece of fruit and limit myself to 1 drink. Then if you accomplish the things on your list...you will feel good about it...and you might surprise yourself once you get going and do more that what is on the list...and then you will be really proud of yourself! Also....please do get help if you need it. I just went to get help from a weight loss Doctor because that is my huge issue...and I have renewed hope. Another thing regarding finances...there is a program called "Financial Peace" by Dave Ramsey that has been very helpful to my family. You can check it out on the web if you are interested. He writes books as well where I'm sure you could get the same principles. I know this is long...but I really feel for you, and I hope you keep trying. God Bless!

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MJHAINLINE_1 3/12/2010 11:23PM

    Although I don't struggle with alcohol because I don't drink I do struggle with emotional eating. When I get stressed, bored, tired, happy, etc. I turn to food. So in a sense, food is my addiction. I have felt like you many a time. I weigh myself weekly and don't see the numbers changing. That is frustrating! I can't give advice if you aren't ready, but I would suggest finding an AA meeting near you and see what you learn. The group is very supportive and everyone there understands what you are going through. Take one day at a time and know we are pulling for you. If you need someone to talk to--on the phone or in person-- I would be willing. Let me know and I will give you my contact information. Don't give up!!! Take one day at a time and focus on the positive things in your life--including the food and/or exercising you are doing--no matter how small.

Take care,

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BGMUNCHKIN 3/12/2010 9:07PM

    Life is not an easy journey. At times we are struck with the dumb things we do. I truly understand how alcohol can affect you and drive you. If you need help (and will power won't do it for you) then seek out some of the self help groups like AA or other options. It is OK to say you need help. Alcohol and drugs are one thing you can live without, unforetunately food is not. Getting help to get those kind of addictions out of your life is a good thing. God loves you honey so don't think your not worth it!

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FITWITHIN 3/12/2010 8:50PM

    I know how you feel all so well. I ask myself this many time; if hurdles and obstacles was presented to us will we take the time to face them and find a way to over come them. How much pain and suffering do we have to endure before we are willing to make a change. Patients and positively is the way for me.

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TAZZIE1 3/12/2010 8:48PM

    I am so happy you realize this is what is holding you back. You lost those ten pounds and you can lose another ten. Take it one step at a time, one day at a time and you can do this. Have you thought about going to AA meetings? They really are an eye opener and are really helpful. Don't quit, we are all here to help each other. emoticon

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TONYA_JO 3/12/2010 8:28PM

    emoticon that's all I have right this second, but I'll be back with more ;) I'm only a sparkmail away if you need anything. A shoulder, a kick in the butt, whatever it is you need. Hang in there! You are worth this journey!!!

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FIGHT2SURVIVE 3/12/2010 7:52PM

    Don't you dare think about quitting. I am an old, sick hag and refuse to die just because they tell me I am, so you can't quit until I do which will be the day they pat me on the chest with a shovel.

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KIRCHDS 3/12/2010 7:41PM

    I am so sorry to read of your struggles. I went through some hard times a few years ago. I was afraid that everyone else thought badly of me because of what had happened. She told me "Everyone has junk in their trunk, just people's trunk are closed, yours happens to be open!" Knowing that you are not alone with struggling in day to day life is important. Remember that you are worth the time it takes to improve yourself! Try babysteps. Just start taking the stairs instead of the elevator. Park farther away at the grocery store.

I agree with Jillian. You will have to come to the realization that the alcohol is changing your life. I don't know a lot about alcholism, but you may want to seek professional help.

Make small changes...drink water, promise yourself to eat 1 piece of fruit per day. Every little step is a step towards success.

Take care!!

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GOAL_WORTHY 3/12/2010 7:38PM

    emoticon emoticonWe are all here for you.

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RICHELLE920 3/12/2010 7:37PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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LUNADRAGON 3/12/2010 7:35PM

    Praying for you. It takes one step, one baby step at a time. Due to health/medications, mine has climbed, and dropped, and climbed, and dropped. Remember you need to do this for you. You are better than that and you are worth it.

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FRAN641 3/12/2010 7:27PM

    I'm glad you blogged about how your feeling. It isn't easy to stay motivated but spark has kept me in touch with people who are doing this everyday and that helps me have hope. Keep talking about it and hopefully the fire will get lit again to take control over your life.. Maybe joining one of the teams would give you some support. Good luck and I hope you find that seed inside that says "I want to do this for me just for today".......

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DARRYLP67 3/12/2010 7:26PM

    Father God in the name of Jesus i come before you as humble as i know how thanking and praising you were asking that you bind ou that spirit of alcohol keep them covered in the blood of Jesus father we can do all things through you give them the strenth and courage to go on trusting in you i pray in Jesus name amen. hold on yes you can look up motivations on this site. emoticon

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finally, february ends

Thursday, February 25, 2010

february has been a bad month for me as long as i can remember. so now it has a stigma that i thought i could beat this year, but it got the best of me. i planned on doing the spark 28 day challenge to keep me on track and get through the month. i failed twice. february has literally kicked my butt. i'm hoping march will be better. one of the problems i faced in february is lack of money. my husband has to get his wisdom teeth out and insurance isn't going to cover it. so i'm broke. i haven't had a chance to recover from christmas with all the birthdays and such in january. the stress of everything has caused me to go a bit crazy in february.

i believe it all started with turning 30 in january. the stress and depression of being 30, unhappy, overweight, disapointed, etc. just caught up with me. i have been severly drunk every weekend since. without planning to do so. it all started out with just hanging out and visiting with people. i don't drink during the week, but i've been depressed everyday. i think the idea of escape when alcohol was near was just too easy of an escape. i had fun, but i'm still disapointed in myself. right now i'm taking an alcohol hiatus cause my alcoholic genes are starting to show themselves again and that always bothers me.

at this point i don't have the budget to eat as healhy and i need/want to. so my plan is to work out more. i have about 155 minutes of workout time for february. so that plan isn't going well. i need to dig myself out of this hole.

i know working out is my only answer right now.

here's to a better march!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MOMFAN 2/25/2010 10:56PM

    We need to learn to love ourselves exactly where we are in our lives. You are an amazing person. So stop the negative talk, it only brings you down and makes you feel worse. I know dd buys a lot of our veggies at Grocery Outlet and Winco. You are going to get more exercise in March, practice portion control and start realizing your dreams.

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MARTHAR3 2/25/2010 11:31AM

    At leasy Feb will be gone soon. I have unhappy Feb too. My father passed in Feb. even though it was in 1978. Every year It comes back like new.. So Feb is a fight to get thru without the wanting to eat things to medicate the feelings..

Hugs Martha n tx

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TRIGFROST 2/25/2010 11:06AM

    February---Really has been a bad month for me too...
Looking forward to March---Watch the Winds...move us Forward...

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What is wrong with me?!

Friday, February 12, 2010

I have a fear of success. I know this. I can admit it. But i don't know how to fix it!

Way back in January I decided to do The Spark 28-day Challenge in February. I got to about day 3 and everything fell apart. I made my goals, i was working toward them, i was feeling real good. Then BAM I stopped. I lost focus. I was self-sabatoging myself.


Last weekend was just plain awful. I was hungover for most of it, and monday too. One of my Feb goals was no alcohol. I made it 4 days. Then I drank more in two days than most people drink in a month. I ate horribly. worse than i've eaten since Christmas. I don't know what happened. This weekend I'm going to reflect on the past two weeks and try to figure out what is wrong with me. Maybe i'm still trying to achieve my goals for the wrong reasons. Or not enough right reasons.

Monday I'm going to restart the 28 day challenge. I'll be a couple weeks behind, but I'd rather finish it late than finish it halfway.

Hopefully monday I can write a blog with the reasons I set myself up to lose and a way to succeed. I want to succeed so badly!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SANDIANNE 2/12/2010 9:47PM

    I can identify with your dilemma. I tend to get very unmotivated after being on a good roll myself. For me, I think it is depression that attaches itself to me, and I go into a funk. That means that I don't exercise; I stay indoors, and sometimes I don't even get dressed all day. I just hang out in my pajamas and read books.

I find that when I get this way, I have to make a plan, sort of like you are doing. Regroup and give myself small motivational talks. I know that once I start on the correct road again, I'll be okay. I would also like to restart the challenge with you.

I can even identify with the excessive drinking. As a matter of fact, it got so bad three months ago, that I gave up alcohol completely...difficult to do, but not drinking gives me more energy. I just have to motivate myself to get to the next level - consistent exercise. I plan on starting up again tomorrow. Actually, your blog has motivated me to try to get out of this funk, pick myself up, and start all over again.

Hang in there. I'll be trying along with you.


Time for us to move our butts.


Comment edited on: 2/12/2010 9:51:24 PM

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DONNA_VT 2/12/2010 9:22PM

    We are all here for you and we understand the challenges of the journey. You are doing the right thing to try and understand the problems you are having and make some changes. Good Luck.

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MAGA99 2/12/2010 7:31PM


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TONYA_JO 2/12/2010 4:34PM

    Hugs!! I think that is part of why we call this a journey, because it is indeed a lifelong journey.

I'm stuck myself right now. Take one day at a time, one meal at a time if you need to. Try hard not to beat yourself up. Admit that you slipped, and move on instead of dwelling on it. So much easier said than done I know!

Hang in there. You are worth it and can do it!

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MOMFAN 2/12/2010 3:05PM

    I have been struggling too! I am starting over too! We can do it together!

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SARACSJ 2/12/2010 11:10AM

    Don't be too harsh on yourself. Doing the challenge (or even after the challenge) doesn't mean you won't fail, it just means you commit to starting again when you have a "bad day." It takes time to develop new habits. You are going to have days where you don't do as well as you hoped. That's ok, just make sure you get back on track.

I agree that understanding why you got off track is good, but be carefull because it can easily lead to beating yourself up. Sometimes I skip understanding why and just start over if that happens.

You can do this. Whatever the reason was when you started, make it for you now. You can do this! You can be scared while your succeeding even. You can do this!!!

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BALLOUZOO 2/12/2010 11:03AM

    Forgive yourself, revisit you battle plan. All or Nothing goals are hard on a person, because they don't give you a chance to change over time and you feel so bad. Start with small "easy" goals (I will workout for 10 minutes a day, I will have one drink a week, I will eat one extra veggie a day), and work your way gently along the path to wellness.


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IILAAD65 2/12/2010 10:54AM

    Don't beat yourself up over what has happened. We've ALL made mistakes.. I told my body we were going to war. And I meant it. I dropped 40 lbs and I have stalled out. I need to lose another 40.

Be determined!!!

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SPARK-KELLI 2/12/2010 10:43AM

    Ok - time to get back on the program. You got off track - that's in the past. Now, look forward. Think about where you want to be - visualize it with all your senses. You can get there. YOU WILL GET THERE.

Believe it!

We all stumble. Then we get back up and carry on.

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The Spark 28 day challenge: day 1

Monday, February 01, 2010

i received this book in january with the intention of doing the 28 day challenge in february. i'm relieve to learn i'm not alone in this journey. it's an official challenge. i will try to support my fellow sparkers. lets get sparking!

my fast break goals are:
1. track everything i eat everyday
2. workout at least 30 minutes a day
3. listen to a get-up-and-go song daily. start a playlist with these songs.

i have decided to make my spark time at 4 am. at that time i intend to workout, journal, reflect on my progress, enjoy a cup of tea, listen to aforementioned music, rejuvinate and embrace the peace of a new day.

my rewards are a book for fast break success and new jeans for challenge success.

i came up with a few other goals to work on for february. i feel they will greatly help me succeed in this challenge. they are:

1. lose 10 lbs
2. track everything i consume
3. no alcohol
4. 3 liters of water a day
5. workout everyday, 30 minutes min
6. in bed by 10 & up at 4

January was a great month for me. i ate very well, consumed almost no alcohol, worked out almost every day. i also lost 6 lbs, 4 of which were the weight i gained over the holidays. i thought that was a great number for who the month was overall. i know i can accomplish way more in february. january was a stepping stone. february will be lifechanging!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MOMFAN 2/5/2010 12:26PM

    Love the book!

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PINKGRANNY 2/1/2010 10:49PM

    Good Luck to you! 4:00 is dedication to your goals.

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TOOFATPIA 2/1/2010 8:20PM

Keep up the great work

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SHY1965SJ 2/1/2010 8:19PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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TEENY_BIKINI 2/1/2010 8:18PM

    Awesome. Go girl go!!

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HONEYBEAR06 2/1/2010 8:18PM

    You are off to a good start. emoticon emoticon

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MICHELE_L 2/1/2010 8:15PM

    emoticon emoticon

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COUNTDOWN710 2/1/2010 8:15PM

  Good luck in February! I am also challenging myself this month.

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SPARKYNAZCA 2/1/2010 8:14PM

    Best of luck throughout this month, with hard work and dedication you can do ANYTHING!!

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on the eve of 30 ~ dissecting 20

Sunday, January 24, 2010

tomorrow i turn 30. i'm unhappy with this for many reasons. one being my current health status. i realize i have spent the majority of my 20's being overweight, unhealthy and unhappy. i don't want to do that anymore! i don't want to spend my 30's in this body. i had a goal to be very close to my goal weight by the time i turned 30. i have come to realize when i put dates on my goals (lose 20 lbs by christmas, etc), i set myself up for failure. so i'm nowhere near my goal. but i'm working hard and losing, i have to be happy with that.
i've been thinking about my weight gain patterns and history the past few days. i'm trying to find the triggers for my weight gain and i think i have done a pretty good job. i'm going to share them as a reminder to not let history repeat itself.

i've always been in a healthy weight range, until i was 19. i've never been happy with my weight or my body. i was active in high school and never had a problem with my weight. even though i thought i was fat and ate as little as i possibly could. i gained the freshmen 15 and then some in college. i worked fast food until i was 20. it really started taking a toll on me when i was 19. i had gained weight in college and wasn't as active as i had been. i got lazy with my running, started drinking a lot. depression got the best of me and i just let myself go. i met my future husband and lost the weight i had gained. then gained it back. thus starting the yo-yo of the next 10 years. i quit the fast food business and lost a ton of weight. i was back to my high school weight and felt great!
that was mid-2000. things started changing later in the year when i had moved in with my boyfriend. we partied a lot and my life became less and less active in the fitness area. i still wasn't as heavy as i had gotten when i was 19. we got engaged late in 2000 and i started getting in shape cause i wanted to look good at my wedding.
2001 wasn't bad. i was planning the wedding, losing weight and getting in shape. i was working out every day and looked great! after the wedding i wasn't as diligent as i had been about my health. but still kept active and walked daily.
2002 was when things started going bad. i went back to school and still worked full time. i was gaining weight. i didn't have time to work out daily and dinner usually came from the frozen food section or a can.
2003 was an interesting year. i was really trying to get my weight back in control, yet hanging out and drinking beer with friends almost every night. especially thirsty thursdays in the school parking lot then heading to someone's house to drink some more. partying every weekend and still eating horribly. it all just became a way of life.
2004 was complete and total drama. part of that drama was caused by how horrible i felt about myself. i joined weight watchers and lost 35 lbs. i was 5 - 10 lbs from my goal weight in 2005 when i became over confident in myself and started doing it my way. that summer i was back to my high school weight again and looked good. but i stopped weighing myself cause the scale was not responding the way i thought it should be. i stopped tracking food and points cause by then i knew what i was doing. big mistake. i need accountability!
over the next 3 years i started gaining weight slowly. i kept telling myself i would do something about it. and i did. for like a week. i'd tell myself no more alcohol. then i'd go to a birthday party have a couple drinks and just start drinking on an almost daily basis. i was still trying to get my life back in order from 2004. i was drinking a lot. i was stressed and i hated my job and my life. i was drinking at least a 6 pack a day. plus not eating great almost daily. i felt completely out of control and all i could do was step on the scale every monday and watch the numbers go up 1 or 2 lbs a week.
i never found that motivation and determination to lose weight like i had in 2004 and 2005. i just couldn't get back into that lifestyle. but i knew i needed to. in 2008 my weight hit a plateau at about 230. i kept losing and gaining the same few lbs. which i thought was good: i wasn't gaining! but i wasn't losing either. i was eating so bad! i cut back on the drinking quite a bit, but it was still too much. i focused on eating more healthy, but i would still eat way too much every day. and i have never, even today, been able to get back in that groove where i worked out every day. or even regularly. though i am getting better at it right now.
in may 2009 i joined sparkpeople. it has been a great help. i bought a house over the summer and was just completely busy for months. in october i was finally able to start focusing on myself and what sp could do for me. i started focusing on what i wanted. what i didn't want. how i wanted 30 to be better than the majority of my 20's. it's been a slow, frustrating 7 months, but i've learned a lot about myself. like how i got to where i am today. i know i can achieve my goals, i just need to work at it one day at a time, one hour some days. i can't set goals for the future. i can work on something for a week or month, but i have to focus on the present. the big picture freaks me out too much. i stress, i eat, i hide from my running shoes.
when i step on the scale tomorrow it won't tell me the weight i had set as a goal back in october. but it will show me a better number than where i was in october. and that means something!
i'm not looking forward to being 30 because of the failures in my life. at the same time, i'm looking forward to being 30 because it's an opportunity to start over and fix what i've done wrong in the last 10 years. i will learn from my mistakes and i will make myself a better person because of them. starting tomorrow, when i'm not so hungover from my big birthday party last night!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DONNA_VT 1/26/2010 6:30PM

    Happy Birthday! 30 is just another one of those numbers but a Birthday is a good time to stop and reflect. Yes you may have made some bad choices in your 20's but at least you can recognize them and now it is time to move on. The 30's are going to be great . . . .keep focusing on what you are doing right.

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MOMFAN 1/25/2010 11:42PM

    emoticonHappy Birthday emoticon
Sometimes we have to look at how far we have come instead of focusing on how far we still have to go!

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GETDONE 1/25/2010 11:21AM


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BGMUNCHKIN 1/25/2010 10:18AM

    Life will always happen to you. You need to make the choice of eating right, drinking less and exercising enought to make you feel good about yourslef and then make that your lifestyle choice You can do it, as you know what to do! 30 is another numnber, not a mindset.

Happy Birthday! emoticon

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SEXIMICH 1/25/2010 6:17AM

  Happy Birthday, I just joined this week-end I turned 61 Saturday. THis is a great gift to ourselves, self love. Please enjoy it.

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CXNLITTLE 1/25/2010 2:11AM

    Happy Birthday and good luck on your journey! You can do it! Let the past be the past and move on from today! I always got to overwhelmed with my failures and never could focus on my successes.

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