Sunday, January 24, 2010
tomorrow i turn 30. i'm unhappy with this for many reasons. one being my current health status. i realize i have spent the majority of my 20's being overweight, unhealthy and unhappy. i don't want to do that anymore! i don't want to spend my 30's in this body. i had a goal to be very close to my goal weight by the time i turned 30. i have come to realize when i put dates on my goals (lose 20 lbs by christmas, etc), i set myself up for failure. so i'm nowhere near my goal. but i'm working hard and losing, i have to be happy with that.
i've been thinking about my weight gain patterns and history the past few days. i'm trying to find the triggers for my weight gain and i think i have done a pretty good job. i'm going to share them as a reminder to not let history repeat itself.
i've always been in a healthy weight range, until i was 19. i've never been happy with my weight or my body. i was active in high school and never had a problem with my weight. even though i thought i was fat and ate as little as i possibly could. i gained the freshmen 15 and then some in college. i worked fast food until i was 20. it really started taking a toll on me when i was 19. i had gained weight in college and wasn't as active as i had been. i got lazy with my running, started drinking a lot. depression got the best of me and i just let myself go. i met my future husband and lost the weight i had gained. then gained it back. thus starting the yo-yo of the next 10 years. i quit the fast food business and lost a ton of weight. i was back to my high school weight and felt great!
that was mid-2000. things started changing later in the year when i had moved in with my boyfriend. we partied a lot and my life became less and less active in the fitness area. i still wasn't as heavy as i had gotten when i was 19. we got engaged late in 2000 and i started getting in shape cause i wanted to look good at my wedding.
2001 wasn't bad. i was planning the wedding, losing weight and getting in shape. i was working out every day and looked great! after the wedding i wasn't as diligent as i had been about my health. but still kept active and walked daily.
2002 was when things started going bad. i went back to school and still worked full time. i was gaining weight. i didn't have time to work out daily and dinner usually came from the frozen food section or a can.
2003 was an interesting year. i was really trying to get my weight back in control, yet hanging out and drinking beer with friends almost every night. especially thirsty thursdays in the school parking lot then heading to someone's house to drink some more. partying every weekend and still eating horribly. it all just became a way of life.
2004 was complete and total drama. part of that drama was caused by how horrible i felt about myself. i joined weight watchers and lost 35 lbs. i was 5 - 10 lbs from my goal weight in 2005 when i became over confident in myself and started doing it my way. that summer i was back to my high school weight again and looked good. but i stopped weighing myself cause the scale was not responding the way i thought it should be. i stopped tracking food and points cause by then i knew what i was doing. big mistake. i need accountability!
over the next 3 years i started gaining weight slowly. i kept telling myself i would do something about it. and i did. for like a week. i'd tell myself no more alcohol. then i'd go to a birthday party have a couple drinks and just start drinking on an almost daily basis. i was still trying to get my life back in order from 2004. i was drinking a lot. i was stressed and i hated my job and my life. i was drinking at least a 6 pack a day. plus not eating great almost daily. i felt completely out of control and all i could do was step on the scale every monday and watch the numbers go up 1 or 2 lbs a week.
i never found that motivation and determination to lose weight like i had in 2004 and 2005. i just couldn't get back into that lifestyle. but i knew i needed to. in 2008 my weight hit a plateau at about 230. i kept losing and gaining the same few lbs. which i thought was good: i wasn't gaining! but i wasn't losing either. i was eating so bad! i cut back on the drinking quite a bit, but it was still too much. i focused on eating more healthy, but i would still eat way too much every day. and i have never, even today, been able to get back in that groove where i worked out every day. or even regularly. though i am getting better at it right now.
in may 2009 i joined sparkpeople. it has been a great help. i bought a house over the summer and was just completely busy for months. in october i was finally able to start focusing on myself and what sp could do for me. i started focusing on what i wanted. what i didn't want. how i wanted 30 to be better than the majority of my 20's. it's been a slow, frustrating 7 months, but i've learned a lot about myself. like how i got to where i am today. i know i can achieve my goals, i just need to work at it one day at a time, one hour some days. i can't set goals for the future. i can work on something for a week or month, but i have to focus on the present. the big picture freaks me out too much. i stress, i eat, i hide from my running shoes.
when i step on the scale tomorrow it won't tell me the weight i had set as a goal back in october. but it will show me a better number than where i was in october. and that means something!
i'm not looking forward to being 30 because of the failures in my life. at the same time, i'm looking forward to being 30 because it's an opportunity to start over and fix what i've done wrong in the last 10 years. i will learn from my mistakes and i will make myself a better person because of them. starting tomorrow, when i'm not so hungover from my big birthday party last night!
Thursday, January 21, 2010
this is month is terrible as far as bday's and eating bad food goes. december is easier for me to get through than january. my birthday, my bff's son's bday, my mil's bday and my sil's bday. sheesh! so every weekend there is a party or dinner event to attend. my birthday is monday and my party is saturday. so i've decided to take this week off. off as in, not tracking everything and not stressing over what i do end up eating this weekend. i know myself and i know if i am trying to keep track of everything i eat, yet keep saturday in mind and try to be cautious cause of it, i'll eat anything and everything! so far i've made smart choices. i know what i should and shouldn't be eating. i'm getting good at recognizing portions sizes. i've done real well so far!
my biggest fear when i'm really keeping track of everything i eat is when i run into something i can't get info on. like restraunt food. only major chains have online info. it scares the crap out of me to not be able to accurately record what i'm eating. i feel an anxiety attack coming on. with this in mind, i decided to record nothing and see how i do. i have a psuedo healthy dinner planned for my birthday (monday): homemade pulled pork sandwhiches and homemade fries. i just have to get through this weekend and next. then i'll be done and can avoid restraunts til march! i'll get back to tracking next week though. but i'm curious to see how my weigh in monday goes. up, down, the same...i'm totally freaked! it's helping me to stay in line and i hope i can keep this cautious feeling going all weekend.
Monday, January 11, 2010
i gave up soda for my 2009 new year's resolution. i had my first rum and diet dr. pepper at 12:01 am january 1. then i had another january 2 cause the other one wasn't as enjoyable due to the alcohol i had consumed prior. those were enjoyable drinks. it's my favorite drink and i had missed it over the year. but i hadn't missed soda. before that year i would drink almost a liter a day. i knew it was doing things to me, but i didn't really know what. i decided in december of '09 i would drink a liter of soda at some point in january to see what it did.
the only concrete conclusion i had come to over the year was my headaches were gone. i would get bad headaches that would leave me darn near immobile for a day. i couldn't do anything but rub my head. they weren't constant, but they were annoying. last year i suddenly realized i wasn't getting them anymore. i rarely got headaches at all! just from allergies and stiff necks. wow! soda was causing my headaches.
going into this test i had a fear my somewhat addiction would come back. i feared my headaches would start again. but i needed to know what i was doing to myself so i could stop. yesterday i decided to give my body the test. i already knew the caffiene would freak me out. i've barely had any over the year. i went to the store and bought a liter of my old friend diet dr. pepper. i came home, poured it in a glass with some ice. and savored the wonderful dr. pepper taste. i sat down on the couch to listen to my body. first thing i noticed was my drunk-like chattering. some weird hyperness took over me. i had the munchies almost instantly. as i made my way through the bottle my stomache started to burn. not in a heart burn sort of way, more in the way your throat burns when the bubbles go down. i recognized this feeling! i had it almost daily in my soda days. then i realized as my tummy got more full of soda i had this hollow, empty feeling in it. like i could actually feel my stomache and knew it was empty. but it wasn't! it had soda and chips in it! i knew if i had been doing this mindlessly i would have found more food to eat. as i went through glass after glass i wanted more. even when it was gone i wanted more! this scared me! i didn't want it to turn into an addiction again. so i drank some carbonated water and tons of cold tap water. this seemed to help. then i ate dinner. my cravings were gone but my body was still feeling the effects. it was 8 o'clock, i should have been winding down. but my body was still feeling the buzz from caffiene. and whatever else was making it feel funny. chemicals, no doubt. i went to bed about 9:30, not cause i was tired, but because i feared i would never sleep. i was in bed with this weird awake and tired at the same time feeling. my body was tired, but my mind was not. luckily my body won over and i fell asleep without too much tossing and turning.
this was a great learning experience. i recognized all the feelings, physically and emotionally that the soda brought on. i had felt them all before. back then they seemed normal. yesterday they were foreign and slightly freaky. i can't believe i was doing that to myself all that time! i woke with a clear mind this morning and realized i wouldn't have an addiction problem of any sort. i was able to easily give it up last january and have no fear that staying away in the future will be a problem any time soon.
as a side note, i only drank diet soda. but diet dr. pepper was my first choice. so i thought it would be a great subject for this test. i'm sure the results would have been the same regardless of the soda i used.
i did not drop a significant amout of weight giving up soda. i only drank diet versions. i did however lose water weight/bloating, whatever you want to call it. and i snacked a whole lot less. that empty feeling i mentioned above was surely the cause of the snacking!
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