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i need to put myself first

Sunday, November 29, 2009

i haven't been here since wednesday morning. that can't be good! i've sucked this weekend. not only on thursday. that i can forgive myself for. the rest, i just need to forget about otherwise i'm going to come up with lame excuses. so moving on...

i came to realize this weekend that i have a few good friends (and i really need to decide who they are) and i have a few friends who bring nothing but drama and stress to my life. i know who they are. i just need to figure out if any of them can fit into the first category. i need to surround myself with the friends in the first category. the others, well, if they are real friends they will be around when i'm in a position to let not-so-great things back into my life. right? they make me feel bad about myself, make me want to drink, pressure me to do things i don't want to do, cause a lot of stress and drama i'm not even involved with. worst of all, they make me feel ashamed for wanting to be the best person i can be. now granted, these people don't know they do all this. i can't blame them for causing some of these problems. i'm the type of person who absorbs the moods and feelings of people i'm around. whether it be friends, family or co-workers.

so right now my plan is to avoid darn near everyone to decide what it is they bring to my life. good or bad. it'll be easy, everyone is so busy with the holidays they don't have time for others themselves. i'll just be real busy. and once the holidays are over i'll be trying to cut back and save up some money from the hit my savings account took from christmas. doable, right?

my birthday is in january. i already have a hunch who is going to show up for that. that will really help my decide who cares about me.

i really hope this isn't sounding mean or selfish or anything. i just have a lot of toxic people in my life. they aren't helping me to become the best person i can be. they aren't supporting me in my weight loss journey. and that's what i need right now. and since i'm thinking these things about them, i'mprobably not doing them much good either.

the next few months will consist of me focusing on me. getting in shape, losing weight, focusing on changing my life for the best. getting my finances in order, starting a family, and just eliminating stress. i've been living with it for too long.

this has all been weighing heavily on my mind. saturday it exploded after having built up for so long. i hope i can focus and do what i need to get my life going in a positive direction. i need to remember who i am, that i'm important and that i need to put myself first.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BGMUNCHKIN 11/30/2009 11:04AM

    Oh boy! I can relate to your situation. I too have friends who are what I call toxic for me. the encourage me to drink when I know I don't really need to drink. They create drama around them and then i suck into the drama that is not my own. I also have birthday in January and am waiting to see what people will do for my birthday. I won't make a fuss about my own day, but will for friends. Good luck with the stepping back and assessing what you want to do about your friends. You can make the best choices for you. emoticon

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LINDA25427 11/30/2009 7:32AM

    Sweetie you need to put yourself first on this journey to lose weight it is a hard journey and you need to focus on it . If the people in your life are dragging you down you need to move away from them and concentrate on you and what you want first take care of yourself then you will be strong enough to take care of the rest .i wish you the best on this journey . We are here for you . Take care .God bless. Hugs emoticon

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FITKAT2010 11/30/2009 6:36AM

    Emotional Eating and emotional drama go hand in hand. Throwing in the towel with your program follows.

Join in on your teams and be active and involved with people who have the same goals as you do.

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MOMFAN 11/30/2009 3:44AM

    I understand! Sometimes we just need to take a step back and figure out what is the right thing for us! Coming to the understanding that I am not responsible for others actions, I am only responsible for my action and reactions. That is all God holds me accountable for.

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MAGA99 11/29/2009 11:07PM


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oh mah effing gawd! i finally lost 10 pounds!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

squee! i'm so flipping excited! those of you who read my blog yesterday read all about how horrible last week was. i didn't do anything right. i was pmsing, lazy, even unmotivated in my water drinking. that never happens! i was eating crackers, chips, stashed halloween candy. i even microwaved a s'more! all this in the time i should have been exercising. sad. pathetic. never want that to happen again!

monday's are my usual weigh in days, but i forgot yesterday. i was hoping that one day would make up for last week and the excessive amounts of alcohol i had friday night. and the arby's i totally forgot i had sunday. jeez! so i weighed in this morning fearful of what i'd see when i looked down. omg! i lost 1.5 lbs!!! how?!

i'm really not going to wonder how or how much of a fluke it is. are the batteries in the scale dying? i'm going to take it and run! i won't make my goal for november, but maybe i can hit 220? which was, sadly, my sept and oct goal.

i started spark people in may. i actually wasn't looking for the site when i joined. i was reading a book review and someone mentioned it in their review. so i stopped by and thought it was pretty cool so i joined. i've been wanting/trying to lose weight for years. but when i joined i was so busy and broke trying to buy a house. so i lurked, read articles, visted teams, joined some teams, earned points, read and participated a bit in the stages. then came sept. summer was over, the house buying flurry was done. and i had lost 3 lbs. which could have been more from all the sweat and pain i endured with moving. but i drank a lot of beer! i knew the beer was my biggest reason for not losing (and for gaining over the past few years) so last month i pledged to give up alcohol til new year's eve. i've done alright, but i've had a few moments where life got in the way and $&!% happens. i am not emotionally ready to lose weight. i am losing for the wrong reasons. i still need to accept that i need to lose weight for myself. but i forget and just want to look awesome in a pair of jeans. which is when the frustration steps in. so i'm working on doing this for me.

i'm rather disapointed in my progress. basically, i've lost 10 lbs in three months. i know this is because i haven't been trying and working as hard as i could be. i know i have a fear of success. i accepted that about a year ago. but i need to get over it. something happened to me to cause me to gain all this weight. i need to figure out what it is. 2005 i was 5 lbs away from my goal weight. i had been about 40 lbs overweight. cause of school, work, lack of time to take care of myself. from that point i gained over 80 lbs. i want to know why. i gave up on myself. why? my friends all moved away. i hated my job. i was just unhappy. i need to fix all that. and myself.

sorry for being rambly. thank you to all who have read this far.

i'm off to change my profile pic!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JESSYVIRGINY 11/26/2009 10:55AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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EVRLNGFOO 11/24/2009 9:27PM

    thanks for all the wonderful comments, everyone! i really appreciate the support and advice.

5 more lbs and i get a haircut! woo!

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BECKYSRN 11/24/2009 6:59PM

    10 # is a start! The biggest hurdle is figuring out that you have to lose weight for YOU, not for anyone or anything else. You'll get there!
Blessed be.

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JASI27 11/24/2009 3:12PM

    That ROCKS!!! It is these unexpected little surprises that keeps me going. I suffer badly from PMS/PMDD and go through 2 bad weeks a month, so I constantly feel like all my efforts are worthless, but I am still losing, so I keep going on my two good weeks! YOU CAN DO THIS!!
Defeat it, don't let it defeat you! Stay strong girl! Good Luck! Lean on all of your spark friends! We will always be here to help you out!

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CHEERFULJANE 11/24/2009 12:56PM

    Congratulations emoticon

I agree that it can be hard to lose weight if you are not emotionally ready. I hope that you get to figuring it all out soon and get down to your goal weight.

I am on your team in the BL challenge. We've gotta stick together and motivate each other.

BTW... the title of this blog really got my attention... ha ha ha....

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VELLI518 11/24/2009 12:42PM


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POWERGIRL527 11/24/2009 11:48AM

    Amazing on the 10lbs...way to go!!

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ETAGGEL 11/24/2009 11:44AM

    Well done! You have lost 1o lbs! You also realise that you have to do this for yourself. Keep with it!


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LOLEMA 11/24/2009 11:34AM

  Way to go!

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my heart is not in this

Monday, November 23, 2009

last week was bad. i was pmsing, so munchies galore! i worked out once. it was a good work out. i drank on friday. bad. i wasn't hungover on saturday, but i didn't feel great. i can't believe i was actually used to that feeling a couple months ago! i've come along way in cutting back my drinking. i just need to keep working at it.

i was so worried about my weigh in this morning. and then i completely forgot about it! so i guess tomorrow. that will give me one more day to banish the effects of last week. right?

i'm really stressing over the holidays. i know that's not helping me right now.

i just need to get my mind back in the game. i bought lots of healthy food for this week and next. hopefully that will balance out thursday. and i really need to focus on working out. i just didn't have any motivation for it last week. that needs to change!!!! especially cause i'm feeling the same this week.

i'm going to drown in the holidays, as usual, if i don't do something now. come january i'll be back in the 230's and i NEVER want to be there AGAIN! so i need to focus on that when my alarm goes off or i get home from work.

i believe i'm putting too much pressure on myself and my fear of success is rearing it's ugly head once again.

hope this feeling passes soon.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BGMUNCHKIN 11/24/2009 11:08AM

    So set a goal of just working out everyday for at least 15 minutes. I find for me once iget to that 15 minute thershold, i am ready to keep going for a full 1/2 hour. Don't concentrate on the food, concentrate on getting in the exercise, let the food take care of itself.

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ETAGGEL 11/23/2009 5:18PM

    Dont keep thinking about what it is going to be like tomarrow. Think about what you are doing today, remember you do not want to go back to where you were. One day at a time, keep things on an even keel, keep a journal and start off the day with, Today I am going to.........!
Let us know how you are doing


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ALLYBGOOD05 11/23/2009 1:41PM

    You can do this! I'm with you on the drinking, I've cut way back and it feels so good. I still have those nights like you had Friday though. And I was much the same last week, my butt was dragging (also PMSing!!!) and just could not get going. Just gotta keep getting back on our horses and stick with it! Good luck and have a good Thanksgiving!

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LOVEPAINTING 11/23/2009 1:37PM

    You can do this. Just take it one day at a time. Today you will eat healthy and workout. Worry about tomorrow when it arrives. That's the mindset I have been taking. One more day to get it right!!!!

I don't want to be in the 230's again, and it has taken me over 9 mos. just to lose 27 lbs. but I try to not get too discouraged and know that it will eventually come off. This isn't a diet, but a new lifestyle for me. Yes, there will be days that I eat the wrong thing or drink the wrong thing. You just need to plan for those and know that it will happen and pick yourself up the next day and start over again.

You need to do this for your health and well-being. Each day we are on this planet is very precious. Hang in there -- I know you can do it.

Write me an email if you need to talk it out.

emoticon - Linda

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AMYCRAFT05 11/23/2009 1:24PM

    Sorry I haven't been in touch. Myself, and my whole family has been sick. I will try to get back with you tomorrow and see how you did.-------Amy

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2010 New Year's Resolutions (goals)

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

like many people i don't make new year's resolutions. i do make goals though. i find i'm more successful at those than resolutions. in 2003 my goal was to drink a minimum of 8 glasses of water a day. i was successful and have been continuing the habit daily since then.
my goals have varied and some have been more successful than others (like the year i gave up alcohol, that lasted through february). for 2009 i gave up soda. I haven't had a drop since i was chugging my captain morgan and diet dr. pepper at 11:59 pm. i always drank diet soda so i didn't have that massive drop in weight that non-diet drinkers tend to experience. my eating habits have changed though. i'm not as hungry between breakfast and lunch. i used to pick up a liter of soda on my way to work from time to time and i'd usually grab other snack foods so i wasn't buying just one thing. i have lost a lot of water weight, bloating. as mentioned, i drink a lot of water, but the sodium and caffiene in the soda were still causing me to retain water. the biggest change i have noticed, and will probably keep me off soda after 2009 ends, is my lack of headaches. not sure if they were migraines, but they were bad! i would get them suddenly and they would last for hours. sometimes i would just have to go to bed and hope they would be gone by morning. i couldn't find a comfortable position to sit or lay, i couldn't read, watch tv, etc. i would just lay in a dark room trying to get comfy. since i gave up soda i haven't had one. so now i know ehere those came from! i am quite relieved as i was on the verge of visting the doctor. my cousin gets migraines and has to take meds when she feels them coming on. she avoids coffee stands like the plague. i thought it may be something genetic. i am happy that i have found a solution without drugs or doctor visits. i have tested caffiene and haven't had any reactions, so i'm leaning towards aspertame.
for 2010 i'm really going to push myself. my one big goal is to stop biting my nails. my overall focus for the year is going to be my health. i am going to avoid fast food restraunts and eating out as much as possible. i'm going to train myself to eat whole, healthy foods. eventually i would like to have a mostly organic diet. i'm going to eliminate sugars and salt from my diet as much as possible. i'm going to buy meat from local farmers to avoid pesticides and who knows what else is in my burger. i would like to know my burger contains the meat of one cow, not many. processed foods will no longer have a place in my home or my life.
i'm also going to continue my quest to eliminate and/or make scarce alcohol. i haven't had anything to drink since 11/7. yea, me!
i'm also going to concentrate on my fitness. i've been doing way better the past few weeks. i just need to keep it going. it's almost habit! i want to incorporate more st, yoga and pilates. also be prepared to starting running again once the nicer spring weather hits.

i know this is a lot of stuff to tackle. but i have a whole year to work at it. it's one of the reasons i make goals rather than resolutions. most people give up on their resolutions by Jan 2. since i've made goals instead i've had a better success rate. if i mess up on jan 10, at least i know i can dust myself off and try again. i haven't failed, i've learned. if on jan 22 ( i think that's the date) when the average person has given up and/or forgetten their resolutions and i can say i've made progress i'll be very proud of myself. And by this time next year if i can look back on the year and think of all the wonderful things i've done for myself i am sure i will be beyond proud and hopefully won't recognize the person i am today.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MARSHA48 11/17/2009 11:41AM

    I'm glad your non drinking is going well for you. My DH quit dinking one day, just laid it all down and quit cause it almost killed him on his way to work. He promised God that if he let him live, he would give up drinking and trust me, that was THE BEST thing he EVER done in our over 25 years of life together thus far. I'm soooo very proud of him. I wished now he would join me in quitting smoking. Please read my blogs and or page if you will. This blog of yours is very inspiring for other as well.
GBU always and you are a winner! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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KEEPGOING87 11/17/2009 11:16AM

    WOW GREAT GOALS!!! i have no doubt that you will achieve all of them! I need to stop biting my nails too, so far the only thing thats helped has been acrlic nails haha

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YOOVIE 11/17/2009 11:13AM

    I always tell myself, if I don't reach my goals, then at least I made it a heck of alot easier to reach them next year- because there is no way I just stood still all year. I got myself THAT much closer.

Knock 'em dead!

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i'm in an awesome mood today!

Thursday, November 12, 2009

nothing in my life is going great right now, but i still feel great!
worked has sucked lately. very stressful. so stressful that yesterday i went home and took it out on myself with an hour long cardio workout. i was soaked in sweat by the time i was done and i felt great! and i do think i'm still feeling the effects of the workout! by 7 i was ready for bed! i was already sore! so i went to bed and read for an hour and a half and just relaxed.
i've been having trouble getting up in the mornings. i hit snooze a lot and sleep through my workout time. so i have stopped using my alarm. i just naturally wake up and so far i've been waking up when i want to (5 am) and have been getting small workouts in before i have to get ready for work. this morning i did a denise austin daily dozen workout. she has a dvd with 5 12 minute workouts. sounds easy, right? ha! she kicked my butt this morning with upper abs and arms. until i get my morning sleeping habits (this is irksome cause i'm a huge morning person!) figured out i'm going to do a daily dozen in the morning and some wii fit, if i have time, and then do my real workouts after work.
my boss is super stressed cause the economy is effecting her business. even though she says all the problems with the economy is all caused by the media. she's taking it out on us! she's rather hypocritical and likes to dog on everyone. during lunch she always makes snide comments about our lunches. for instance, the other day one girl was eating triscuit thins. she said those are very fattening as she munched on her cheese and saltine crackers! it's to the point where i don't want to eat anything around her. she picks apart my lunches and then goes on to say how she had ice cream for dinner the night before and eats her cheese and crackers for lunch everyday. i have my snacks that i eat in between breakfast and lunch, then something in the afternoon. i was munching on my carrot sticks on afternoon and she walked by and said something like, do you just eat all day long? i'm hoping once business picks up she'll back off on us and let us eat in peace!
i think part of my great mood is that she has an eye exam this morning and won't be in til later! yea!
the stress of this place is now starting to affect my health. i have weird dreams at night, i wake up around 3 and my first thoughts are of work and all the crap. then it's difficult to forget and go back to sleep. i've been trying to keep my eating habits in check and not let the stress have a negative impact. as i mentioned above, it's helping me workouts!

i really hope this good mood lasts all day and isn't ruined by work! 7 more hrs to go! i can do it!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JESSYVIRGINY 11/13/2009 4:07PM

    you can do it emoticon

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YAFENELRA 11/12/2009 12:52PM

    Just keep the positive outlook and don't let anyone bring you done!! Boss included.

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KEEPGOING87 11/12/2009 12:22PM

    keep strong girl! i hope your boss will ease up soon emoticon

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JENNNVA 11/12/2009 12:07PM

    You can do it! And I'm proud of you turning something stressful into something positive for your health (your workouts) Hopefully your work situation gets better! Hang in there! emoticon

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BECKTY 11/12/2009 11:07AM

    Your boss sounds like a real treat. (I just keep waiting for someone to make a comment about eating all day long to me, but so far it hasn't happened.) Seriously, when someone asks you for input feel free, otherwise you should keep your trap shut!

Ok, no more negativity from me. ;) HIGH High praise to you for having such a great attitude!

And your evening with the work out then early bed with a book for that long sounds like utter and complete luxury. I think I need an overnight, by myself, at a bed and breakfast somewhere so that I can do the same in peace. emoticon

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PCGODUSA 11/12/2009 11:06AM

    I know work can be stressful, especially when words are thrown around by a stressful supervisor. But, look at it this way: you are at a job, and I'm home in a robe. It's was nice for a week, but two months later, and I am the one with the stress. Hang in there... you'll do just fine. emoticon

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THE_JULES1 11/12/2009 11:04AM

    My boss has been expecting me to be a mind reader lately. He has really been over the top with WHY DIDNT YOU KNOW kinda stuff. Not even my department stuff. So I feel for you!

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