Tuesday, December 08, 2009
i'm reading this book, are you ready, by bob harper. in the first couple chapters it asks you to figure out how you got to where you are now and what makes you want to change your life.
so i'm thinking...i gained weight in my early 20s. i was about 30 lbs overweight then i decided to lose it all. i was unhappy. i needed a change. i got about 5 lbs from my goal weight and just started putting it all back on. plus about 50 for good measure. i'm not really sure what triggered the weight gain. this was 2005, i can't pinpoint a good moment or event that i can reflect on and wonder why. but i do know i've been very unhappy for the past few years. i feel like a failure in life. i'm almost 30 (in a little over a month) and i have very little to show for it. i have no kids, i've been married for 8 years and i have just now bought my first house. i know those last two things are wonderful accomplishments. but they are tarnished by the fact that it's taken me 8 years to get a house. and who doesn't have children within the first 8 years of marriage? ok, i'm sure there are plenty of people out there who fit into that category. it was never my intention.
i just feel like i've wasted my life.
i'm sure this unhappiness has caused me to gain the weight. i just don't know how to change it and who i am. or what i've become. i can't just go out and get pregnant tomorrow. i am not financially stable enough to do that. not to mention healthy enough. i'm not getting any younger, time just keeps slipping by. i've lost control of my life and i need to fix it.
i'm sure crying over this isn't going to help. but it seems to be all i can do. at least that kind of makes me realize i've answered bob's questions. i know why i am here today, and i know why i want to change. but i feel like i'm hitting a wall. i can't move forward cause i can't change what i'm so disapointed in. i keep looking too far into the future. it's too overwhelming. i need to focus on today. but today is so stressful. it's all about making ends meet, hanging on to a job, buying christmas presents, ect. the stress just keeps piling on.
i need to get around this wall and move forward. i have goals! i want to succeed! i feel stuck and i don't want to feel that way anymore. i know sp and all it's tools hold the tools to my journey. but i can't seem to figure out a way to really get started.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
i haven't been here since wednesday morning. that can't be good! i've sucked this weekend. not only on thursday. that i can forgive myself for. the rest, i just need to forget about otherwise i'm going to come up with lame excuses. so moving on...
i came to realize this weekend that i have a few good friends (and i really need to decide who they are) and i have a few friends who bring nothing but drama and stress to my life. i know who they are. i just need to figure out if any of them can fit into the first category. i need to surround myself with the friends in the first category. the others, well, if they are real friends they will be around when i'm in a position to let not-so-great things back into my life. right? they make me feel bad about myself, make me want to drink, pressure me to do things i don't want to do, cause a lot of stress and drama i'm not even involved with. worst of all, they make me feel ashamed for wanting to be the best person i can be. now granted, these people don't know they do all this. i can't blame them for causing some of these problems. i'm the type of person who absorbs the moods and feelings of people i'm around. whether it be friends, family or co-workers.
so right now my plan is to avoid darn near everyone to decide what it is they bring to my life. good or bad. it'll be easy, everyone is so busy with the holidays they don't have time for others themselves. i'll just be real busy. and once the holidays are over i'll be trying to cut back and save up some money from the hit my savings account took from christmas. doable, right?
my birthday is in january. i already have a hunch who is going to show up for that. that will really help my decide who cares about me.
i really hope this isn't sounding mean or selfish or anything. i just have a lot of toxic people in my life. they aren't helping me to become the best person i can be. they aren't supporting me in my weight loss journey. and that's what i need right now. and since i'm thinking these things about them, i'mprobably not doing them much good either.
the next few months will consist of me focusing on me. getting in shape, losing weight, focusing on changing my life for the best. getting my finances in order, starting a family, and just eliminating stress. i've been living with it for too long.
this has all been weighing heavily on my mind. saturday it exploded after having built up for so long. i hope i can focus and do what i need to get my life going in a positive direction. i need to remember who i am, that i'm important and that i need to put myself first.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
squee! i'm so flipping excited! those of you who read my blog yesterday read all about how horrible last week was. i didn't do anything right. i was pmsing, lazy, even unmotivated in my water drinking. that never happens! i was eating crackers, chips, stashed halloween candy. i even microwaved a s'more! all this in the time i should have been exercising. sad. pathetic. never want that to happen again!
monday's are my usual weigh in days, but i forgot yesterday. i was hoping that one day would make up for last week and the excessive amounts of alcohol i had friday night. and the arby's i totally forgot i had sunday. jeez! so i weighed in this morning fearful of what i'd see when i looked down. omg! i lost 1.5 lbs!!! how?!
i'm really not going to wonder how or how much of a fluke it is. are the batteries in the scale dying? i'm going to take it and run! i won't make my goal for november, but maybe i can hit 220? which was, sadly, my sept and oct goal.
i started spark people in may. i actually wasn't looking for the site when i joined. i was reading a book review and someone mentioned it in their review. so i stopped by and thought it was pretty cool so i joined. i've been wanting/trying to lose weight for years. but when i joined i was so busy and broke trying to buy a house. so i lurked, read articles, visted teams, joined some teams, earned points, read and participated a bit in the stages. then came sept. summer was over, the house buying flurry was done. and i had lost 3 lbs. which could have been more from all the sweat and pain i endured with moving. but i drank a lot of beer! i knew the beer was my biggest reason for not losing (and for gaining over the past few years) so last month i pledged to give up alcohol til new year's eve. i've done alright, but i've had a few moments where life got in the way and $&!% happens. i am not emotionally ready to lose weight. i am losing for the wrong reasons. i still need to accept that i need to lose weight for myself. but i forget and just want to look awesome in a pair of jeans. which is when the frustration steps in. so i'm working on doing this for me.
i'm rather disapointed in my progress. basically, i've lost 10 lbs in three months. i know this is because i haven't been trying and working as hard as i could be. i know i have a fear of success. i accepted that about a year ago. but i need to get over it. something happened to me to cause me to gain all this weight. i need to figure out what it is. 2005 i was 5 lbs away from my goal weight. i had been about 40 lbs overweight. cause of school, work, lack of time to take care of myself. from that point i gained over 80 lbs. i want to know why. i gave up on myself. why? my friends all moved away. i hated my job. i was just unhappy. i need to fix all that. and myself.
sorry for being rambly. thank you to all who have read this far.
i'm off to change my profile pic!
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
like many people i don't make new year's resolutions. i do make goals though. i find i'm more successful at those than resolutions. in 2003 my goal was to drink a minimum of 8 glasses of water a day. i was successful and have been continuing the habit daily since then.
my goals have varied and some have been more successful than others (like the year i gave up alcohol, that lasted through february). for 2009 i gave up soda. I haven't had a drop since i was chugging my captain morgan and diet dr. pepper at 11:59 pm. i always drank diet soda so i didn't have that massive drop in weight that non-diet drinkers tend to experience. my eating habits have changed though. i'm not as hungry between breakfast and lunch. i used to pick up a liter of soda on my way to work from time to time and i'd usually grab other snack foods so i wasn't buying just one thing. i have lost a lot of water weight, bloating. as mentioned, i drink a lot of water, but the sodium and caffiene in the soda were still causing me to retain water. the biggest change i have noticed, and will probably keep me off soda after 2009 ends, is my lack of headaches. not sure if they were migraines, but they were bad! i would get them suddenly and they would last for hours. sometimes i would just have to go to bed and hope they would be gone by morning. i couldn't find a comfortable position to sit or lay, i couldn't read, watch tv, etc. i would just lay in a dark room trying to get comfy. since i gave up soda i haven't had one. so now i know ehere those came from! i am quite relieved as i was on the verge of visting the doctor. my cousin gets migraines and has to take meds when she feels them coming on. she avoids coffee stands like the plague. i thought it may be something genetic. i am happy that i have found a solution without drugs or doctor visits. i have tested caffiene and haven't had any reactions, so i'm leaning towards aspertame.
for 2010 i'm really going to push myself. my one big goal is to stop biting my nails. my overall focus for the year is going to be my health. i am going to avoid fast food restraunts and eating out as much as possible. i'm going to train myself to eat whole, healthy foods. eventually i would like to have a mostly organic diet. i'm going to eliminate sugars and salt from my diet as much as possible. i'm going to buy meat from local farmers to avoid pesticides and who knows what else is in my burger. i would like to know my burger contains the meat of one cow, not many. processed foods will no longer have a place in my home or my life.
i'm also going to continue my quest to eliminate and/or make scarce alcohol. i haven't had anything to drink since 11/7. yea, me!
i'm also going to concentrate on my fitness. i've been doing way better the past few weeks. i just need to keep it going. it's almost habit! i want to incorporate more st, yoga and pilates. also be prepared to starting running again once the nicer spring weather hits.
i know this is a lot of stuff to tackle. but i have a whole year to work at it. it's one of the reasons i make goals rather than resolutions. most people give up on their resolutions by Jan 2. since i've made goals instead i've had a better success rate. if i mess up on jan 10, at least i know i can dust myself off and try again. i haven't failed, i've learned. if on jan 22 ( i think that's the date) when the average person has given up and/or forgetten their resolutions and i can say i've made progress i'll be very proud of myself. And by this time next year if i can look back on the year and think of all the wonderful things i've done for myself i am sure i will be beyond proud and hopefully won't recognize the person i am today.
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