Thursday, September 17, 2009
it's time to remind myself of my goals.
1st, i want to lose 10 lbs by october 2. This is when i got to oktoberfest. super fun! i have about 6 more lbs to go. ugh. i say about cause i keep going back and forth with two lbs. one week i'm 229, the next i'm 227. i can't get past the 227. though i'd much rather stay at 227 then bumping back up to 229. i left the 230's, i never want to see them again! i need to evaluate my situation and figure out why i keep going back and forth every week. and then figure out how i can lose the rest of the weight in two weeks!
2nd, i want to lose as much weight as possible before my 30th birthday. this takes place in january. i'm thinking if i work real hard and focus, i can lose 40 lbs. that's a high number, it would be a about 10 lbs a month. doable, but very difficult with the holidays coming up. so i'm just gonna really try to be out of the 200's by then.
my 3rd goal is to work out at least 5 days a week. i'm focusing mostly on every other day at this point. that's better than nothing, right? i don't know why i'm having so much trouble getting into working out. i love working out! i love the feeling afterward, i love how my body feels when i'm really into it. but i can't get myself really going! if i could, that would totally help my other two goals!
i need to stay focused. i need to remind myself every day of my goals. i can't let sleeping an extra half hour in the morning get in the way of goals. i don't really know where that is coming from either. it's not like my bed is comfy and i just want to lay in it all day. i'm a huge morning person. i love getting up early. but for some reason i just can't get myself up early enough to work out anymore.
i also think my willpower may be dying. i used to tell myself, don't eat chocolate, and i wouldn't. i could be around a whole buffet of desserts and not eat one. now i can't even go one day of having beer in the fridge and not touching it. i gave up soda for my new year's resolution and haven't had any. easy. i gave up the internet for lent, easy. but not drink alcohol when it's near. nope. don't hit the snooze button one more time so i can workout. not gonna happen. what is wrong with me?
i need some major work!
Monday, September 07, 2009
I was reading a people magazine earlier today and it was the one that featured melissa joan hart on the cover and the article talked about her losing all the weight from her pregnancies and how it was such a struggle. she realized she was almost 33 and it would be harder to lose as she got older, so she needed to do it now.
this got me to thinking, i'll be 30 in a little over 4 months! omg! i do not want to turn 30 weighing this much and being this unhappy with myself. that's my new goal. i won't be at my goal weight in that time, but i figure if i stay on track i could probably lose about 40 lbs. that's better than where i'm at now.
Thursday, September 03, 2009
...my "skinny" jeans fit! woot! as i've mentioned i just moved into a new house and it at the moment there is not a washer and dryer. so i'm trying to go as long as possible before i have to go find a laudramat thingy (about a week so far). today i was rummaging through the closet trying to find some more "fat clothes", mainly jeans. my current jeans are 18's, and they are too big. so i came across this pair of 15's. i tried them on a few months ago and couldn't get them over my hips. today they fit! i had to suck in and bend funny to get them buttoned but i did it! so i'm pretty happy about that. they fit fine on my legs but my tummy is too big and that bugs me, but i'll do extra crunches tonight. i will just try to hold off on using the bathroom today.
question: do you keep your "fat clothes" once they are too big?
i was watching ruby the other night and she was having trouble letting go of some dresses that no longer fit her. she said she kept them for security and i know that's pretty normal. i don't keep mine once i'm a size or two too small for them. like the above mentioned jeans. until i can button these normally i will keep them. i, on the other hand, keep my skinny clothes. i know i shouldn't, most of them are out of style. but i know one day i will fit into them so i hang on to them. most of my shirts are Large, and right now i'm hanging out in the X-L section. so i figure if i can lose a few more lbs and some of my tummy i'll be fine. question is, will i keep the XL's? a bunch of them have been stolen from my husband, so i'll just probably give them back. lol! the rest will probably become workout shirts until they are too big.
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
i seriously have some mental problems. i think i have body issue problems that 15 year-olds have. you know, the whole models are too skinny, etc. and give young girls the wrong idea? i still think like that. i compare myself to the wrong people when i'm reading a magazine. i'm not six foot, i'll never look like many of those models. but i still really want to. and i just want to be thin like most of them. *sigh*
and now i'm constantly thinking everyone is looking at me and seeing how fat i am. for instance, the son of one of my co-workers came in and asked if there was anymore ice cream sandwhiches. she said no, and i told him i ate the last one. then laughed, he laughed too, he's 10. and in my mind i'm thinking: he's probably thinking right now that the last thing i need is an ice cream bar. he's ten! and a very nice kid, i doubt that's what he's thinking. maybe he was just thinking about how fat i was in general. see? serious problems here.
then saturday i went out with some friends and i was the first to leave. and you know the old saying about the first one to leave will get talked about? i never have a problem with this as it generaly doesn't happen with my group of friends. but all i could think about was how they were all probably talking about how fat i am. ugh! why am i doing this?
i'm also constantly thinking about how complete strangers are looking at me. like when i'm walking through a store or down the street. or even just sitting there. i think, are they judging me by what i'm eating, drinking, buying for groceries?
these problems are new and getting worse every day. i need them to stop!
i have skewed mental images of myself too. in my mind i see myself how healthy and proper body weight i was 4-5 years ago. then i look in the mirror and remember! i'm not sure what all these mental problems are doing to damage my success right now, but i can't imagine they are helping.
on a good side note, my jeans are getting huge! yea! i was going to wait til i lost 10 lbs to buy new jeans, but i don't think that's going to work out. they are just too big! plus the afore mentioned co-worker told me yesterday my legs look smaller. i thought they did to, but now that someone else mentioned it i can actually believe it!
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
went to the doc yesterday for my lovely yearly exam and had to do labwork cause of my age and it's been a few years since they've been done. turns out i have high triglyceride levels. anyone else? i've been reading through what i need to do to lower them. exercise, eat better, limit alcohol...basically the opposite of everything i do now.
this really freaks me out. i feel old, and sick. so i'm hoping it will motivate me to get busy here. they are doing another test in 3 - 4 months and i like to be significantly lower by that time.
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