Wednesday, September 02, 2009
i seriously have some mental problems. i think i have body issue problems that 15 year-olds have. you know, the whole models are too skinny, etc. and give young girls the wrong idea? i still think like that. i compare myself to the wrong people when i'm reading a magazine. i'm not six foot, i'll never look like many of those models. but i still really want to. and i just want to be thin like most of them. *sigh*
and now i'm constantly thinking everyone is looking at me and seeing how fat i am. for instance, the son of one of my co-workers came in and asked if there was anymore ice cream sandwhiches. she said no, and i told him i ate the last one. then laughed, he laughed too, he's 10. and in my mind i'm thinking: he's probably thinking right now that the last thing i need is an ice cream bar. he's ten! and a very nice kid, i doubt that's what he's thinking. maybe he was just thinking about how fat i was in general. see? serious problems here.
then saturday i went out with some friends and i was the first to leave. and you know the old saying about the first one to leave will get talked about? i never have a problem with this as it generaly doesn't happen with my group of friends. but all i could think about was how they were all probably talking about how fat i am. ugh! why am i doing this?
i'm also constantly thinking about how complete strangers are looking at me. like when i'm walking through a store or down the street. or even just sitting there. i think, are they judging me by what i'm eating, drinking, buying for groceries?
these problems are new and getting worse every day. i need them to stop!
i have skewed mental images of myself too. in my mind i see myself how healthy and proper body weight i was 4-5 years ago. then i look in the mirror and remember! i'm not sure what all these mental problems are doing to damage my success right now, but i can't imagine they are helping.
on a good side note, my jeans are getting huge! yea! i was going to wait til i lost 10 lbs to buy new jeans, but i don't think that's going to work out. they are just too big! plus the afore mentioned co-worker told me yesterday my legs look smaller. i thought they did to, but now that someone else mentioned it i can actually believe it!