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10 year anniversary

Thursday, September 08, 2011

not my sparkversary, but my wedding anniversary.

one of my new years resolutions was to be closer to my wedding weight. didn't happen. not even close. so that got me to thinking last night about where i am and where i want to be. i hate that i don't have children. i hate how far into debt i am. and i hate the condition of my health. i know i've been saying this for long time now. i just can't seem to get a grip on what i need to do to accomplish the health goal. i've been doing great workingout, but my eating/drinking habits are still out of control. i know with summer ending i'll behave better. but will my workout slide with the upcoming bad weather (meaning cold fall/winter stuff). right now i walk for 30 minutes on my lunch break. i do want to add more cardio, but i'm still dealing with my wanting to get out of bed early enough. this kills me since i'm a morning person. i just can't get myself to get up til the last minute. i fear if i don't conquer this now i'll just not workout once it gets cold.

i'm going to concentrate on my goals this fall. i always say this, but i get sidetracked and lose my ambition. i'm not going to do that this time! i have to get my life the way i want it. i can't stand to be who i am and how i'm living anymore.

i try to talk to dh about this stuff, but it hurts his feelings cause he feels as though he's done something wrong or isn't good enough. i just can't get my point across without making him feel as bad as i do.

i'm going to lean on sparkpeople and my sparkfriends more than i ever have before. maybe that's my problem, i'm scared to ask for help and i don't use the tools that are at my disposal as much as i should be.

for tonight, i'm going to enjoy the company of my husband, eat drink and be merry. tomorrow i'll let jillian michaels kick my ass. that's a promise.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JAZZYTREKKER 9/12/2011 11:35PM

    Hope you had a happy anniversary. Sounds like you know where you want to go, now it's just a matter of getting there. Good luck!

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MOMFAN 9/9/2011 7:55PM

    Happy Anniversary! We are here for you!

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PIXIE-LICIOUS 9/8/2011 5:05PM

    Happy anniversary,and many more

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TRIXIEBLUE 9/8/2011 3:36PM

    Happy Anniversary! I have the same problem with my Husband. He works very hard and we have just had finance problems our entire married life (21 years) It can be depressing but I have learned that I can only fix 1 thing at a time so right now I will try to improve the money issue but my weight and health come first.

Look out for Jillian she's a real toughie!

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JESS0107 9/8/2011 2:39PM

    Happy Anniversary!!!

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i bought a bike!

Saturday, August 06, 2011

what they say is true: you never forget how to ride a bike. i haven't been on a bike since i was 18, now i'm 31 and can't believe i went so long without one. i've wanted one for awhile, but other stuff always came up or whatever and i never got around to buying one. now i have tons of friends (haha, i sound awesome!) who have bikes and we want to ride together, so i figured i'd better get one or be left in the dust. dh got one as well. he got it used from a friend and fixed it up. mine is a new schwinn. i'll upgrade when money and need allow. we want to ride the hiawatha trail at some point next month, so i'm working on getting ready for that.

i'm also wanting to ride my bike to work, but may run out of time before i'm in shape enough for that trek. i'm gonna give it a whirl tomorrow.

it's been fun and gives you a feeling of being a kid again which is always appreciated.

i'm doing great with workingout. but not food. that will follow eventually. one hurdle at a time!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CXNLITTLE 8/7/2011 11:57PM

    WooHoo!! Are you riding the Centennial trail?

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MAESTRACH 8/7/2011 6:01PM

    I too just discovered the joy of riding. I discovered its a great way to walk the dog so that she gets the work out she wants and needs and I do too. Hope you and DH enjoy your bikes!!!1

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SCRAP317 8/7/2011 3:37PM

    Yay! I'm so jealous! I want a bike too - work it girl!

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MAGA99 8/6/2011 6:33PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
b4 my surgery I even rode my bike to go food shopping
enjoy ur bike

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MOMFAN 8/6/2011 6:03PM

    Good for you, dsil bought one to ride to the Valley to work, it is about 17 miles.

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    I sometimes think I should get a bike and ride it to work - I'm less than 5 miles away. But, then I think - yeah, but the 5 miles is mostly along a busy street, and I work nights. (duh!). Good luck with the riding emoticon

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JENNYMOMMA3 8/6/2011 3:30PM

    Awesome. I recently bought a bike after years of not using one (also a teen and 32 now). I wish you luck and lots of riding.

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step 1: admiting you have a problem

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

my problem: i'm depressed. i've been struggling with feelings of depression for years, but since i don't feel like the people on the drug commercials, i just assume it's a slight version that comes and goes. this morning i realize it's not, it's always there, sometimes i just dwell in it more. i'm overweight, poor and unhappy with my life. that's always hanging over my head, but sometimes i feel it more than other times. after i pushed snooze 17 times this morning and had weird dreams in between i realized my depression is causing me to not want to get up in the morning til the very last second. i just figured it was lack of motivation and beat myself up over it for the last few years. now i realize the problem and the cause and i need to figure out how to fix it without drugs. so here are the causes (probably not all):

my weight. i hate how i look and feel. i hide myself behind ill fitting clothes rather than buy plus-size clothes that fit, but make me want to cry when i try them on. i can't stand to see myself in the mirror and figure others feel the same way.

i'm in debt. i'm really trying to fix it without claiming bankruptcy or some other drastic measure. it's very difficult and takes a lot of hard work. losing my job didn't help.

my life. i hate my life. i have great friends and family, i have a decent job and a super dog. but i don't have kids, i want kids, but the above listed issues are keeping me from having kids. i haven't been on vacation since 2003. i don't have money to go out and have fun.

these are the 3 things i can think of right now. i'm sure there are more, but when it gets down to it, they all fit into one of these three categories. i have to fix this. my weight is the easiest thing to fix. so i'll start there and things should fall into place as i go along. won't be an easy journey, but now that i've recognized the problem i should be able to focus and finally break through this wall. maybe the wall is depression and i've been staring at it for so long i couldn't see what was right in front of me. or didn't want to admit the actual problem and admit the weakness.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CASCADE21 7/20/2011 11:29AM

    emoticon Chin up! Thanks for being so transparent, it truly is encouraging to know I am not alone.

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SCRAP317 7/19/2011 4:58PM

    You are not alone. You have a huge Spark family that loves you and wants to help you. I will pray for you and I agree with the others...one step at a time - you are beautiful inside and out and you are worth it my friend! xo

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DEBBICZ 7/19/2011 3:13PM

    I can totally relate with your struggles as I have been that way in the past. If I let myself go down that path it can really get bad. It's a daily effort to get yourself going. But, do one thing today that will help you in your journey - just one thing. Then tomorrow, do just one thing. Everyday tell yourself you have to do one thing today to move you forward on your journey. Do not look at the entire big picture or it might be too scary! You can't do it all now but you can do one right thing. After awhile I promise you, you will start wanting to make a plan, get more organized. It's the journey - remember that! You will be awesome at this!!

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SHAN2SHAGG 7/19/2011 2:25PM

    call me, we can meet and hang out. I can understand with you. Sometimes a friend to hug on makes the difference. I also have hit bottom before. I want to help you get out of your pit! It can be so hard to do, but you have to be willing to get out of it! My husband is making the first steps of bankruptcy. Scary, but he does not see any light as well. I have hit my rutt and need to find something else to motivate me as well. Lets plan a few walks or so together. I would love it! Shannon 443-1057

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CXNLITTLE 7/19/2011 2:11PM

    I've been through some of the same things, which I'm sure many of us have. I found that when I started losing weight and taking care of myself some of the other things fell into place.

It is a journey, but just know that emoticon

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MOMFAN 7/19/2011 1:41PM


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EL-E-E 7/19/2011 1:17PM

    You're very brave to post all this. It must have been difficult to write it all out. I hope you know that SP is here for you. Please keep posting if it helps you sort out how you feel! I know that when people (strangers!) comment on whatever I post, it lifts me right up.

You're right that feeling better, health-wise, will likely help with everything else, too. I wish you luck and stamina, and offer my support for your journey. emoticon

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Reassessing my goals

Thursday, July 14, 2011

well here it is july (the middle of july!) and i'm no where near completing any of my goals. i have once again lost focus, got frustrated, depressed, blah, blah, blah. the usual. february kicked my butt as usual and then i lost my job in april. i'm finally getting back on track with all that. got a new job, trying to get caught back up on bills and find some extra money to buy groceries with the ever rising prices. *sigh*

so, i'm going to go back to my goals for 2011 and start them now. they were pretty simple: eat right, workout, lose 100 lbs. that last one sounds huge, but it is quite possible if you lose 2 lbs a week, that's the real goal. but here i am still losing the same 10 lbs i've been playing with for the past two years.

i think my biggest problem is that i set these goals in december for the new year. then the momentum is washed away by the dulldrums of winter and the desire to do nothing but sit around and hope spring comes early. then february comes and i may as well not even get out of bed most days.

i don't want the summer to slip by me and i certainly don't want to wake up january 1st thinking "what happened?!" i can't live with these failures anymore. i can't keep living the way i am. i have to make exercise as important to me and my life as drinking water and eating. it's just as important to our survival.

i was doing really well with workingout daily. then i started this new job. which is very active. aside from today, i'm generally moving for at least 8 hours a day. the problem i'm having is getting up early enough to workout. i have to get up at 4. that's the only time i could workout. i'm not evening going to pretend i will fit it in when i don't get home until 6 or later. the problem is i'm pushing snooze till like 5:30. and i need to be up well before 5:30 to get out the door on time. i don't know why i'm having so much trouble.

on the plus side i am getting a 30 minute walk in during my lunch on most days. plus, as i mentioned, i walk around work for about 8 hours a day. and to and from the bus stop most days. so i'm walking a lot, i just don't feel i'm getting the rise in heartrate i desire. so i'd like to focus on strength training and higher intensity workouts in the morning a few days a week.

so, you may be asking yourself how i'm not losing much weight when i'm this active. until this week i haven't been able to focus on planning out healthy meals that work with my schedule. i get home after 7 some days and the last thing i want to do it cook, so i end up with pizza or something frozen. plus, i haven't been able to do real grocery shopping in weeks. i'm hoping to change that in the next paycheck or two and really get caught up money-wise. i'm trying to batchcook more, but i just love to bbq in the summer, so making a big pot of soup isn't working right now for many reasons. i'm all for pasta salads though. healthy varieties, of course. i know this will all work out, i just need to adjust to my new schedule and cook and eat what fits into it.

right now i just need to work on working out and eating better. everything else will follow, right? i'm sick of this wall and just need to knock it down once and for all.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MOMFAN 7/15/2011 7:49PM


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BRAINYBLONDE5 7/14/2011 8:40PM

    you CAN do this! small changes, small steps, and you will make progress I PROMISE. we are all here for you! Fall 14 times, get up 15!! You dont want to stop and potentially have had this time, be THE time

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ROSESTARS 7/14/2011 4:52PM

    emoticon Sounds like between your activities and walking during lunch, you're doing well with the MOVE THE BODY!! So I would focus on what you are eating. Are you still doing WW? Because if you must eat frozen, then, their little frozen meals are good and POINTED.. emoticon Less carbs (as in no pasta salads) and more focus on veggies, protein. Dr. Gary Taubes writes that exercise is NOT key, but that what you consume is IT entirely. Not sure I agree with that, as I believe exercise does SO much more than help with weight-loss. So count those points or calories or both! I love WW weigh-ins as it keeps me accountable to someone else as well as myself!!
Best wishes to you!

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CICI510 7/14/2011 1:41PM

    I believe in you!! emoticon

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STORM2012 7/14/2011 1:30PM

    emoticon ! Knock that wall down and get started...once you do, everything will start to fall into place.


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still chugging along

Monday, June 06, 2011

i'm doing great! i'm even working on improving my eating this week. i'm on day like 17 of the 30 day shred and i'm improving every day. i haven't weighed myself in over a week and i'm watiing til next wednesday to do that. i hope the scale sees a decline.

i start my new job today. i hope that goes well. it's part time, but better than nothing. hopefully that will give me a few extra bucks for groceries.

not much to share right now, just wanted to give everyone an update since my last post. i'm still going and working on not pushing myself too hard. so far so good!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CXNLITTLE 6/7/2011 11:22PM

    Glad you updated us!

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MOMFAN 6/6/2011 1:52PM

    Thanks for the update. Congrats on the job!

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JESS0107 6/6/2011 12:05PM

    Good luck on your first day on the job!! You will do fine.

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