Monday, June 06, 2011
i'm doing great! i'm even working on improving my eating this week. i'm on day like 17 of the 30 day shred and i'm improving every day. i haven't weighed myself in over a week and i'm watiing til next wednesday to do that. i hope the scale sees a decline.
i start my new job today. i hope that goes well. it's part time, but better than nothing. hopefully that will give me a few extra bucks for groceries.
not much to share right now, just wanted to give everyone an update since my last post. i'm still going and working on not pushing myself too hard. so far so good!
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
well it was last thursday. but i was not in a good place last thursday. i've been very up and down since losing my job. right now i'm up. yea! so i'm blogging.
i just got done working out. i did day one of level one of jillan's 30 day shred. i did much better this time than the last time i attempted it. thankfully. makes me feel more secure that i'll follow through with it tomorrow.
i woke up with the worst backache this morning. i fell out of a second story window when i was like 6. the doctor said i may experience back problems as i got older. boy was he right! since i can remember my back has hurt if i don't exercise enough. all i need to do is walk regularly and i'm fine. i start slacking and i pay. well, i've been paying a lot the last few years. but the past few months i've been fed up with it! i'm too young to have back problems! i'm too young to feel this old! i'm sick of being stuck in this body. i don't know how many times i've said this in the last few years. countless. i need to do something to change it. i signed up for spark people 2 years ago and i've lost and gained the same 10-15 lbs. this is ridiculous! this place has all the answers and all the motivation a person could need. so what is my problem? i'm lazy. i'm scared. i'm stressed. here's what i mean:
i'm lazy. that doesn't really need an explanation. i'd rather sit and read or watch tv than workout. i know this isn't true. i love working out! but i'm so set in my ways of having to work out in the morning. so if i don't, i put it off til tomorrow, then the next day, etc. i push snooze through my workout time. and i have no idea why! excuses, excuses, excuses.
i'm scared. scared of succeeding. i know i'm not alone in this. i read up on fear of success. i was hoping that would help me come to grips. i don't really know where this issue came from. i just realized one day i was scared of losing weight. i was scared people would draw attention to it, i've become very shy and self conscious the past few years. i would rather hide in a corner than have people talk to me. i'm scared i'll lose all the weight then gain it all back and people will judge me. as if they don't judge me now!
i'm stressed. i know if i lose weight i'll need new clothes and i can't afford them. i know this is a crock of crap bad excuse. i would find a way to afford them. but i can't get myself to trust and accept that, so i use it as an excuse.
i need to work on these three issues.
even though i haven't lost the weight with spark i still come here regularly and cherish everything it offers and what i've learned. i learn something new about myself all the time. i have found amazing friends who motivated me and keep me going all the time. i'm thankful every day for all of you. i do hope by this time next year i'll have a very positive 3 year anniversary blog to share. this year just isn't my time.
Wednesday, May 04, 2011
i need to blog cause it's been a month since my last blog. i'm not doing well accomplishing this simple task. i've come to the computer numerous days to blog and haven't. this is the 3rd time i've restarted this blog in the last 10 minutes. i'll just put it all in a nutshell:
i got laid off last month. i have no job. i'm quickly running out of money. not difficult if you didn't have money to begin with. i'm suze orman's worst nightmare. well, there probably are people she is more frightened of than me, but you get the idea.
in all my stress and depression i've finally figured out why i gained all this weight in the first place, now i just need to fix it. in 2002 (2003?) dh got laid off. i worked out daily at this point, but his lack of motivation with life in general got to me and i quit. i remember the day i quit. i was working out, probably before work, and he was still in bed. i just had this thought of why am i working so hard when he isn't? i quit right then and there. mid-video. never got back into a routine in all the years that have passed. after that summer life just went downhill. i wasn't making enough to support us, so everything went to credit cards. he wasn't bringing in anything and wasn't really looking for a job. granted, i'm looking back on all this and maybe he was trying harder than i remember. anyway, he finally got a job when i broke down at work and my boss got him into contact with a friend of his. my boss reminded me a lot of michael scott, but i'm forever in his debt for getting this job for dh. i was in school at this time and since we made so much money (ironic, i know) we didn't qualify for financial aid. so all tuition was out of pocket. yes, i should have held off going back to school till we were more financially secure since i had to go back to part time once school started and he had barely started his new job. more money on credit cards. basically this awful pattern of credit cards and awful debt carried on for years (it still exsists, it was becoming more manageable with an end in site). we never got ahead. things got worse for us in the money department. it took a toll on our relationship. looking back i really do not know how we got through it and are still together. it was a very, very bad 2-3 years. we were so young, 22 - 24.
things finally blew up and somehow we salvaged what was left of us and moved forward. though in this time of moving forward i became drepressed and started emotional eating, drinking and just not giving a crap about myself. i'd lost friends, was stuck in a job i hated and had no extra money. we were in dire straits moneywise. we had no money for anything aside for bills, food, gas. children were definitely out of the question. how do you raise children when you can barely feed yourself? we got a couple breaks money wise and were able to consolidate things. we worked our asses off to buy a house and start to get things in order.
i've been working a lot on budgeting so we could get all our loans and credit cards paid off in the next two years. now that money is gone and i am just so depressed. right now all i want is children. i'm 31, getting a bit too old to have children and i just feel hopeless. i want to have children before i was 30.
i hate my life and i don't know what to do to fix it. sorry this blog turned into more than a nutshell. i just don't know what to say, think or do. i feel completely hopeless and lost.
the good news is i know where the weight gain started. i just need to figure out how to fix it. and hopefully not fall into this awful trap again now that history is repeating itself.
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