Tuesday, July 19, 2011
my problem: i'm depressed. i've been struggling with feelings of depression for years, but since i don't feel like the people on the drug commercials, i just assume it's a slight version that comes and goes. this morning i realize it's not, it's always there, sometimes i just dwell in it more. i'm overweight, poor and unhappy with my life. that's always hanging over my head, but sometimes i feel it more than other times. after i pushed snooze 17 times this morning and had weird dreams in between i realized my depression is causing me to not want to get up in the morning til the very last second. i just figured it was lack of motivation and beat myself up over it for the last few years. now i realize the problem and the cause and i need to figure out how to fix it without drugs. so here are the causes (probably not all):
my weight. i hate how i look and feel. i hide myself behind ill fitting clothes rather than buy plus-size clothes that fit, but make me want to cry when i try them on. i can't stand to see myself in the mirror and figure others feel the same way.
i'm in debt. i'm really trying to fix it without claiming bankruptcy or some other drastic measure. it's very difficult and takes a lot of hard work. losing my job didn't help.
my life. i hate my life. i have great friends and family, i have a decent job and a super dog. but i don't have kids, i want kids, but the above listed issues are keeping me from having kids. i haven't been on vacation since 2003. i don't have money to go out and have fun.
these are the 3 things i can think of right now. i'm sure there are more, but when it gets down to it, they all fit into one of these three categories. i have to fix this. my weight is the easiest thing to fix. so i'll start there and things should fall into place as i go along. won't be an easy journey, but now that i've recognized the problem i should be able to focus and finally break through this wall. maybe the wall is depression and i've been staring at it for so long i couldn't see what was right in front of me. or didn't want to admit the actual problem and admit the weakness.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
well here it is july (the middle of july!) and i'm no where near completing any of my goals. i have once again lost focus, got frustrated, depressed, blah, blah, blah. the usual. february kicked my butt as usual and then i lost my job in april. i'm finally getting back on track with all that. got a new job, trying to get caught back up on bills and find some extra money to buy groceries with the ever rising prices. *sigh*
so, i'm going to go back to my goals for 2011 and start them now. they were pretty simple: eat right, workout, lose 100 lbs. that last one sounds huge, but it is quite possible if you lose 2 lbs a week, that's the real goal. but here i am still losing the same 10 lbs i've been playing with for the past two years.
i think my biggest problem is that i set these goals in december for the new year. then the momentum is washed away by the dulldrums of winter and the desire to do nothing but sit around and hope spring comes early. then february comes and i may as well not even get out of bed most days.
i don't want the summer to slip by me and i certainly don't want to wake up january 1st thinking "what happened?!" i can't live with these failures anymore. i can't keep living the way i am. i have to make exercise as important to me and my life as drinking water and eating. it's just as important to our survival.
i was doing really well with workingout daily. then i started this new job. which is very active. aside from today, i'm generally moving for at least 8 hours a day. the problem i'm having is getting up early enough to workout. i have to get up at 4. that's the only time i could workout. i'm not evening going to pretend i will fit it in when i don't get home until 6 or later. the problem is i'm pushing snooze till like 5:30. and i need to be up well before 5:30 to get out the door on time. i don't know why i'm having so much trouble.
on the plus side i am getting a 30 minute walk in during my lunch on most days. plus, as i mentioned, i walk around work for about 8 hours a day. and to and from the bus stop most days. so i'm walking a lot, i just don't feel i'm getting the rise in heartrate i desire. so i'd like to focus on strength training and higher intensity workouts in the morning a few days a week.
so, you may be asking yourself how i'm not losing much weight when i'm this active. until this week i haven't been able to focus on planning out healthy meals that work with my schedule. i get home after 7 some days and the last thing i want to do it cook, so i end up with pizza or something frozen. plus, i haven't been able to do real grocery shopping in weeks. i'm hoping to change that in the next paycheck or two and really get caught up money-wise. i'm trying to batchcook more, but i just love to bbq in the summer, so making a big pot of soup isn't working right now for many reasons. i'm all for pasta salads though. healthy varieties, of course. i know this will all work out, i just need to adjust to my new schedule and cook and eat what fits into it.
right now i just need to work on working out and eating better. everything else will follow, right? i'm sick of this wall and just need to knock it down once and for all.
Monday, June 06, 2011
i'm doing great! i'm even working on improving my eating this week. i'm on day like 17 of the 30 day shred and i'm improving every day. i haven't weighed myself in over a week and i'm watiing til next wednesday to do that. i hope the scale sees a decline.
i start my new job today. i hope that goes well. it's part time, but better than nothing. hopefully that will give me a few extra bucks for groceries.
not much to share right now, just wanted to give everyone an update since my last post. i'm still going and working on not pushing myself too hard. so far so good!
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
well it was last thursday. but i was not in a good place last thursday. i've been very up and down since losing my job. right now i'm up. yea! so i'm blogging.
i just got done working out. i did day one of level one of jillan's 30 day shred. i did much better this time than the last time i attempted it. thankfully. makes me feel more secure that i'll follow through with it tomorrow.
i woke up with the worst backache this morning. i fell out of a second story window when i was like 6. the doctor said i may experience back problems as i got older. boy was he right! since i can remember my back has hurt if i don't exercise enough. all i need to do is walk regularly and i'm fine. i start slacking and i pay. well, i've been paying a lot the last few years. but the past few months i've been fed up with it! i'm too young to have back problems! i'm too young to feel this old! i'm sick of being stuck in this body. i don't know how many times i've said this in the last few years. countless. i need to do something to change it. i signed up for spark people 2 years ago and i've lost and gained the same 10-15 lbs. this is ridiculous! this place has all the answers and all the motivation a person could need. so what is my problem? i'm lazy. i'm scared. i'm stressed. here's what i mean:
i'm lazy. that doesn't really need an explanation. i'd rather sit and read or watch tv than workout. i know this isn't true. i love working out! but i'm so set in my ways of having to work out in the morning. so if i don't, i put it off til tomorrow, then the next day, etc. i push snooze through my workout time. and i have no idea why! excuses, excuses, excuses.
i'm scared. scared of succeeding. i know i'm not alone in this. i read up on fear of success. i was hoping that would help me come to grips. i don't really know where this issue came from. i just realized one day i was scared of losing weight. i was scared people would draw attention to it, i've become very shy and self conscious the past few years. i would rather hide in a corner than have people talk to me. i'm scared i'll lose all the weight then gain it all back and people will judge me. as if they don't judge me now!
i'm stressed. i know if i lose weight i'll need new clothes and i can't afford them. i know this is a crock of crap bad excuse. i would find a way to afford them. but i can't get myself to trust and accept that, so i use it as an excuse.
i need to work on these three issues.
even though i haven't lost the weight with spark i still come here regularly and cherish everything it offers and what i've learned. i learn something new about myself all the time. i have found amazing friends who motivated me and keep me going all the time. i'm thankful every day for all of you. i do hope by this time next year i'll have a very positive 3 year anniversary blog to share. this year just isn't my time.
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