EVRLNGFOO   32,069
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EVRLNGFOO's Recent Blog Entries

step 1: admiting you have a problem

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

my problem: i'm depressed. i've been struggling with feelings of depression for years, but since i don't feel like the people on the drug commercials, i just assume it's a slight version that comes and goes. this morning i realize it's not, it's always there, sometimes i just dwell in it more. i'm overweight, poor and unhappy with my life. that's always hanging over my head, but sometimes i feel it more than other times. after i pushed snooze 17 times this morning and had weird dreams in between i realized my depression is causing me to not want to get up in the morning til the very last second. i just figured it was lack of motivation and beat myself up over it for the last few years. now i realize the problem and the cause and i need to figure out how to fix it without drugs. so here are the causes (probably not all):

my weight. i hate how i look and feel. i hide myself behind ill fitting clothes rather than buy plus-size clothes that fit, but make me want to cry when i try them on. i can't stand to see myself in the mirror and figure others feel the same way.

i'm in debt. i'm really trying to fix it without claiming bankruptcy or some other drastic measure. it's very difficult and takes a lot of hard work. losing my job didn't help.

my life. i hate my life. i have great friends and family, i have a decent job and a super dog. but i don't have kids, i want kids, but the above listed issues are keeping me from having kids. i haven't been on vacation since 2003. i don't have money to go out and have fun.

these are the 3 things i can think of right now. i'm sure there are more, but when it gets down to it, they all fit into one of these three categories. i have to fix this. my weight is the easiest thing to fix. so i'll start there and things should fall into place as i go along. won't be an easy journey, but now that i've recognized the problem i should be able to focus and finally break through this wall. maybe the wall is depression and i've been staring at it for so long i couldn't see what was right in front of me. or didn't want to admit the actual problem and admit the weakness.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CASCADE21 7/20/2011 11:29AM

    emoticon Chin up! Thanks for being so transparent, it truly is encouraging to know I am not alone.

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SCRAP317 7/19/2011 4:58PM

    You are not alone. You have a huge Spark family that loves you and wants to help you. I will pray for you and I agree with the others...one step at a time - you are beautiful inside and out and you are worth it my friend! xo

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DEBBICZ 7/19/2011 3:13PM

    I can totally relate with your struggles as I have been that way in the past. If I let myself go down that path it can really get bad. It's a daily effort to get yourself going. But, do one thing today that will help you in your journey - just one thing. Then tomorrow, do just one thing. Everyday tell yourself you have to do one thing today to move you forward on your journey. Do not look at the entire big picture or it might be too scary! You can't do it all now but you can do one right thing. After awhile I promise you, you will start wanting to make a plan, get more organized. It's the journey - remember that! You will be awesome at this!!

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SHAN2SHAGG 7/19/2011 2:25PM

    call me, we can meet and hang out. I can understand with you. Sometimes a friend to hug on makes the difference. I also have hit bottom before. I want to help you get out of your pit! It can be so hard to do, but you have to be willing to get out of it! My husband is making the first steps of bankruptcy. Scary, but he does not see any light as well. I have hit my rutt and need to find something else to motivate me as well. Lets plan a few walks or so together. I would love it! Shannon 443-1057

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CXNLITTLE 7/19/2011 2:11PM

    I've been through some of the same things, which I'm sure many of us have. I found that when I started losing weight and taking care of myself some of the other things fell into place.

It is a journey, but just know that emoticon

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MOMFAN 7/19/2011 1:41PM


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EL-E-E 7/19/2011 1:17PM

    You're very brave to post all this. It must have been difficult to write it all out. I hope you know that SP is here for you. Please keep posting if it helps you sort out how you feel! I know that when people (strangers!) comment on whatever I post, it lifts me right up.

You're right that feeling better, health-wise, will likely help with everything else, too. I wish you luck and stamina, and offer my support for your journey. emoticon

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Reassessing my goals

Thursday, July 14, 2011

well here it is july (the middle of july!) and i'm no where near completing any of my goals. i have once again lost focus, got frustrated, depressed, blah, blah, blah. the usual. february kicked my butt as usual and then i lost my job in april. i'm finally getting back on track with all that. got a new job, trying to get caught back up on bills and find some extra money to buy groceries with the ever rising prices. *sigh*

so, i'm going to go back to my goals for 2011 and start them now. they were pretty simple: eat right, workout, lose 100 lbs. that last one sounds huge, but it is quite possible if you lose 2 lbs a week, that's the real goal. but here i am still losing the same 10 lbs i've been playing with for the past two years.

i think my biggest problem is that i set these goals in december for the new year. then the momentum is washed away by the dulldrums of winter and the desire to do nothing but sit around and hope spring comes early. then february comes and i may as well not even get out of bed most days.

i don't want the summer to slip by me and i certainly don't want to wake up january 1st thinking "what happened?!" i can't live with these failures anymore. i can't keep living the way i am. i have to make exercise as important to me and my life as drinking water and eating. it's just as important to our survival.

i was doing really well with workingout daily. then i started this new job. which is very active. aside from today, i'm generally moving for at least 8 hours a day. the problem i'm having is getting up early enough to workout. i have to get up at 4. that's the only time i could workout. i'm not evening going to pretend i will fit it in when i don't get home until 6 or later. the problem is i'm pushing snooze till like 5:30. and i need to be up well before 5:30 to get out the door on time. i don't know why i'm having so much trouble.

on the plus side i am getting a 30 minute walk in during my lunch on most days. plus, as i mentioned, i walk around work for about 8 hours a day. and to and from the bus stop most days. so i'm walking a lot, i just don't feel i'm getting the rise in heartrate i desire. so i'd like to focus on strength training and higher intensity workouts in the morning a few days a week.

so, you may be asking yourself how i'm not losing much weight when i'm this active. until this week i haven't been able to focus on planning out healthy meals that work with my schedule. i get home after 7 some days and the last thing i want to do it cook, so i end up with pizza or something frozen. plus, i haven't been able to do real grocery shopping in weeks. i'm hoping to change that in the next paycheck or two and really get caught up money-wise. i'm trying to batchcook more, but i just love to bbq in the summer, so making a big pot of soup isn't working right now for many reasons. i'm all for pasta salads though. healthy varieties, of course. i know this will all work out, i just need to adjust to my new schedule and cook and eat what fits into it.

right now i just need to work on working out and eating better. everything else will follow, right? i'm sick of this wall and just need to knock it down once and for all.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MOMFAN 7/15/2011 7:49PM


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BRAINYBLONDE5 7/14/2011 8:40PM

    you CAN do this! small changes, small steps, and you will make progress I PROMISE. we are all here for you! Fall 14 times, get up 15!! You dont want to stop and potentially have had this time, be THE time

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ROSESTARS 7/14/2011 4:52PM

    emoticon Sounds like between your activities and walking during lunch, you're doing well with the MOVE THE BODY!! So I would focus on what you are eating. Are you still doing WW? Because if you must eat frozen, then, their little frozen meals are good and POINTED.. emoticon Less carbs (as in no pasta salads) and more focus on veggies, protein. Dr. Gary Taubes writes that exercise is NOT key, but that what you consume is IT entirely. Not sure I agree with that, as I believe exercise does SO much more than help with weight-loss. So count those points or calories or both! I love WW weigh-ins as it keeps me accountable to someone else as well as myself!!
Best wishes to you!

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CICI510 7/14/2011 1:41PM

    I believe in you!! emoticon

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STORM2012 7/14/2011 1:30PM

    emoticon ! Knock that wall down and get started...once you do, everything will start to fall into place.


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still chugging along

Monday, June 06, 2011

i'm doing great! i'm even working on improving my eating this week. i'm on day like 17 of the 30 day shred and i'm improving every day. i haven't weighed myself in over a week and i'm watiing til next wednesday to do that. i hope the scale sees a decline.

i start my new job today. i hope that goes well. it's part time, but better than nothing. hopefully that will give me a few extra bucks for groceries.

not much to share right now, just wanted to give everyone an update since my last post. i'm still going and working on not pushing myself too hard. so far so good!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CXNLITTLE 6/7/2011 11:22PM

    Glad you updated us!

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MOMFAN 6/6/2011 1:52PM

    Thanks for the update. Congrats on the job!

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JESS0107 6/6/2011 12:05PM

    Good luck on your first day on the job!! You will do fine.

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after only 11 days working out...

Saturday, May 28, 2011

...i feel like a whole new person!

*my legs feel and look slimmer.
*my skinny jeans fit. (by skinny jeans i mean the pair i was wearing before i gained 10 lbs and had to go larger)
*i stand up straighter without even trying
*i feel confident!
*all my clothes fit better
*my jeans are too big
*my barrell tummy feels a bit smaller
*i'm starting to feel those muscles that have been hiding out the past couple years
*i don't feel quite as old. still having some back issues and my hamstrings are still too tight, but it's getting better.

i'm taking it easy these days and trying to lay off pressuring myself. usually i make too many goals and i end up worse off than when i began. right now my focus is to do the 30 day shred. i have done it the last 11 out of 12 days. i took sunday off cause my performance saturday wasn't awesome, i was sore and i just needed to rest. it helped a lot on monday. i don't want to overdo it. last time i tried the 30 ds i hurt my knee and didn't make it past day 7. the first time i did it i got to day 21 and quit cause my body was too overworked, or something, to take on level 3. i should have just rested a day or two and got back into it, but i just quit. i don't want that to happen this time. i want to succeed. even if it takes me 33 days. i may take tomorrow off, or monday. i'll see how i feel tomorrow. but i'll get back into it the next day. i don't want to lose this feeling!

i'm feeling great and just going to keep going. i'll refer back to this blog if i feel myself slipping. i'm hoping to hold onto this mindset and make myself better daily on everything i do.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JOURNEYTO60 6/5/2011 9:46PM

    That's great news!!! Good for you!

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DONNA_VT 5/30/2011 11:55AM

    Nice! Great Job! Looking forward to reading more posts like this . . . .it is wonderful news and I am sure you are very happy with yourself!

Comment edited on: 5/30/2011 11:56:17 AM

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JUICINGJOJO 5/29/2011 4:56PM

    Wonderful job! Go you! emoticon

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MOMTO3CUTEBOYS 5/29/2011 12:38PM

    emoticon emoticon

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CRYSTLE4HIMTX10 5/28/2011 5:20PM

    emoticon emoticon

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CURVYDIVA86 5/28/2011 5:10PM

    Way to go!! emoticon

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MOMFAN 5/28/2011 3:58PM


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FANCY-PANTS 5/28/2011 12:54PM

    emoticon emoticon

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2 year sparkiversary

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

well it was last thursday. but i was not in a good place last thursday. i've been very up and down since losing my job. right now i'm up. yea! so i'm blogging.

i just got done working out. i did day one of level one of jillan's 30 day shred. i did much better this time than the last time i attempted it. thankfully. makes me feel more secure that i'll follow through with it tomorrow.

i woke up with the worst backache this morning. i fell out of a second story window when i was like 6. the doctor said i may experience back problems as i got older. boy was he right! since i can remember my back has hurt if i don't exercise enough. all i need to do is walk regularly and i'm fine. i start slacking and i pay. well, i've been paying a lot the last few years. but the past few months i've been fed up with it! i'm too young to have back problems! i'm too young to feel this old! i'm sick of being stuck in this body. i don't know how many times i've said this in the last few years. countless. i need to do something to change it. i signed up for spark people 2 years ago and i've lost and gained the same 10-15 lbs. this is ridiculous! this place has all the answers and all the motivation a person could need. so what is my problem? i'm lazy. i'm scared. i'm stressed. here's what i mean:

i'm lazy. that doesn't really need an explanation. i'd rather sit and read or watch tv than workout. i know this isn't true. i love working out! but i'm so set in my ways of having to work out in the morning. so if i don't, i put it off til tomorrow, then the next day, etc. i push snooze through my workout time. and i have no idea why! excuses, excuses, excuses.

i'm scared. scared of succeeding. i know i'm not alone in this. i read up on fear of success. i was hoping that would help me come to grips. i don't really know where this issue came from. i just realized one day i was scared of losing weight. i was scared people would draw attention to it, i've become very shy and self conscious the past few years. i would rather hide in a corner than have people talk to me. i'm scared i'll lose all the weight then gain it all back and people will judge me. as if they don't judge me now!

i'm stressed. i know if i lose weight i'll need new clothes and i can't afford them. i know this is a crock of crap bad excuse. i would find a way to afford them. but i can't get myself to trust and accept that, so i use it as an excuse.

i need to work on these three issues.

even though i haven't lost the weight with spark i still come here regularly and cherish everything it offers and what i've learned. i learn something new about myself all the time. i have found amazing friends who motivated me and keep me going all the time. i'm thankful every day for all of you. i do hope by this time next year i'll have a very positive 3 year anniversary blog to share. this year just isn't my time.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JESS0107 5/18/2011 11:06AM

    Bless your heart! Trust yourself! Do you truly want to be happy and healthy? Of course you do! Do not let anything come in between that. You will find a job, you will lose weight, and you will have money for new clothes. Give it all to God! He will supply all your needs but you have got to give Him control and you let go of that control. Ride the waves, so to speak. You will find that you are very strong!

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MOMFAN 5/18/2011 12:30AM

    God will supply all your need! Trust! Do what you can and allow Him to perfect it!

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CHELSEYG29 5/17/2011 6:11PM

    Your here now and that is what matters and don't stress about buying new clothes that you won't be able to afford. You may gain a new job with all the confidence you gain when your taking care of you! I try to work out in the mornings too, however I usually don't get it done then! But now I take my 5 or 10 minutes wherever I get them. By the end of the day I have done 30 minutes easy. You can do this, just take each moment one second at a time and don't put yourself off until tomorrow. You can do anything!

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    Think of how much MORE you would have gained if you weren't grounded even this much! I hear you, on all of these issues. Seinfeld said once "What's with you people who are afraid of success? What is it, the beige sofa? The stereo system?" I know he's talking about financial success but weight success is similar. I wish you success and think that if you are down that 15 again that if you lose 2 more it'll be enough to keep you going.

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