2 year sparkiversary

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

well it was last thursday. but i was not in a good place last thursday. i've been very up and down since losing my job. right now i'm up. yea! so i'm blogging.

i just got done working out. i did day one of level one of jillan's 30 day shred. i did much better this time than the last time i attempted it. thankfully. makes me feel more secure that i'll follow through with it tomorrow.

i woke up with the worst backache this morning. i fell out of a second story window when i was like 6. the doctor said i may experience back problems as i got older. boy was he right! since i can remember my back has hurt if i don't exercise enough. all i need to do is walk regularly and i'm fine. i start slacking and i pay. well, i've been paying a lot the last few years. but the past few months i've been fed up with it! i'm too young to have back problems! i'm too young to feel this old! i'm sick of being stuck in this body. i don't know how many times i've said this in the last few years. countless. i need to do something to change it. i signed up for spark people 2 years ago and i've lost and gained the same 10-15 lbs. this is ridiculous! this place has all the answers and all the motivation a person could need. so what is my problem? i'm lazy. i'm scared. i'm stressed. here's what i mean:

i'm lazy. that doesn't really need an explanation. i'd rather sit and read or watch tv than workout. i know this isn't true. i love working out! but i'm so set in my ways of having to work out in the morning. so if i don't, i put it off til tomorrow, then the next day, etc. i push snooze through my workout time. and i have no idea why! excuses, excuses, excuses.

i'm scared. scared of succeeding. i know i'm not alone in this. i read up on fear of success. i was hoping that would help me come to grips. i don't really know where this issue came from. i just realized one day i was scared of losing weight. i was scared people would draw attention to it, i've become very shy and self conscious the past few years. i would rather hide in a corner than have people talk to me. i'm scared i'll lose all the weight then gain it all back and people will judge me. as if they don't judge me now!

i'm stressed. i know if i lose weight i'll need new clothes and i can't afford them. i know this is a crock of crap bad excuse. i would find a way to afford them. but i can't get myself to trust and accept that, so i use it as an excuse.

i need to work on these three issues.

even though i haven't lost the weight with spark i still come here regularly and cherish everything it offers and what i've learned. i learn something new about myself all the time. i have found amazing friends who motivated me and keep me going all the time. i'm thankful every day for all of you. i do hope by this time next year i'll have a very positive 3 year anniversary blog to share. this year just isn't my time.

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finally figuring out where the weight came from.

Wednesday, May 04, 2011

i need to blog cause it's been a month since my last blog. i'm not doing well accomplishing this simple task. i've come to the computer numerous days to blog and haven't. this is the 3rd time i've restarted this blog in the last 10 minutes. i'll just put it all in a nutshell:

i got laid off last month. i have no job. i'm quickly running out of money. not difficult if you didn't have money to begin with. i'm suze orman's worst nightmare. well, there probably are people she is more frightened of than me, but you get the idea.

in all my stress and depression i've finally figured out why i gained all this weight in the first place, now i just need to fix it. in 2002 (2003?) dh got laid off. i worked out daily at this point, but his lack of motivation with life in general got to me and i quit. i remember the day i quit. i was working out, probably before work, and he was still in bed. i just had this thought of why am i working so hard when he isn't? i quit right then and there. mid-video. never got back into a routine in all the years that have passed. after that summer life just went downhill. i wasn't making enough to support us, so everything went to credit cards. he wasn't bringing in anything and wasn't really looking for a job. granted, i'm looking back on all this and maybe he was trying harder than i remember. anyway, he finally got a job when i broke down at work and my boss got him into contact with a friend of his. my boss reminded me a lot of michael scott, but i'm forever in his debt for getting this job for dh. i was in school at this time and since we made so much money (ironic, i know) we didn't qualify for financial aid. so all tuition was out of pocket. yes, i should have held off going back to school till we were more financially secure since i had to go back to part time once school started and he had barely started his new job. more money on credit cards. basically this awful pattern of credit cards and awful debt carried on for years (it still exsists, it was becoming more manageable with an end in site). we never got ahead. things got worse for us in the money department. it took a toll on our relationship. looking back i really do not know how we got through it and are still together. it was a very, very bad 2-3 years. we were so young, 22 - 24.

things finally blew up and somehow we salvaged what was left of us and moved forward. though in this time of moving forward i became drepressed and started emotional eating, drinking and just not giving a crap about myself. i'd lost friends, was stuck in a job i hated and had no extra money. we were in dire straits moneywise. we had no money for anything aside for bills, food, gas. children were definitely out of the question. how do you raise children when you can barely feed yourself? we got a couple breaks money wise and were able to consolidate things. we worked our asses off to buy a house and start to get things in order.

i've been working a lot on budgeting so we could get all our loans and credit cards paid off in the next two years. now that money is gone and i am just so depressed. right now all i want is children. i'm 31, getting a bit too old to have children and i just feel hopeless. i want to have children before i was 30.

i hate my life and i don't know what to do to fix it. sorry this blog turned into more than a nutshell. i just don't know what to say, think or do. i feel completely hopeless and lost.

the good news is i know where the weight gain started. i just need to figure out how to fix it. and hopefully not fall into this awful trap again now that history is repeating itself.

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100 day challenge days 2 & 3

Monday, April 04, 2011

saturday my plan was to walk in the mall for an hour while my car was being worked on. didn't happen. i took my car to a place i used to work at so a couple of my old co-workers were working and i talked with them the entire time i was there.
i left a bit stressed about when i was going to fit in my workout. i am a morning workout person. if i don't do it in the morning the chances of it happening are very slim.when i left the mall it was after 9 and i still had some errands to do. i didn't get home til after 12. all i wanted to do was walk and the weather was wretched on saturday. it was raining and windy and rather chilly. i watched a movie with dh while we ate lunch and i was hoping the weather would clear up. i wanted to go for a hike or long walk with him. he wasn't going for the idea. so i decided i was going to walk around the neighborhood for an hour. it was windy, cold and raning. i made it 40 minutes before the weather got to me. i planned on going out later with the dog for the remaining 20 min. the weather never let up, so that didn't happen.
i'm still proud of my effort even though i didn't get the full hour in.

on sunday i woke up at worked out at 6:30. i was having a tough time getting to an hour when i kept watching the clock thinking of all the things i wanted to get done that day. i just kept telling myself it's only an hour, one less hour you'll waste watching tv or messing around on the computer later. i did make it the whole hour and was very proud of my weekend accomplishments and that i got it out of the way early yesterday so i didn't have to stress like i did saturday.

as for today...the alarm went off at 4 and i turned it off and went back to sleep. i should have mentally prepared myself last night. i have the toughest time getting up to workout on monday mornings. i had annoying dreams after i went back to sleep about how i'm going to get my hour in today. i have some ideas...

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day 1 of 100 day challenge

Friday, April 01, 2011

i did it! i woke up at 4 and i worked out!

course, it wasn't as easy as that. i set my alarm on my phone for 4 and left it in the kitchen. i woke up at 4 to 'carry on my wayward son' and was like, who is calling me? then i realized it was my alarm, got up and turned it off. went into the bathroom and told myself, screw this. i'm going back to bed. then i though, nope, it's day 1! you can't fail day 1! so i changed, grabbed a bottle of water and put a pilates video in. my plan was to do this pilates video (25 min) then a spark video i haven't tried out yet. i figured it would be about 30 min. then i would complete the hour with some strength exercises. nope. the lame pilates video was 50 min and it was aerobic til the last 10 or so minutes that were floor exercises. so when i was done with that i played on the wii for the rest of the hour.

though i didn't care for the workout i was still proud of myself for completing my goal. at least my heart rate was up.

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100 day challenge

Thursday, March 31, 2011

i gave this some thought today and after posting my earlier blog have decided to focus on working out for my 100 day challenge. it's really going to be a challenge.

here are my rules:
1. workout min. 60 minutes daily. minutes don't have to be consecutive..
2. journal about the daily workout. how i felt before, during, after. etc. changes i'm noticing in myself and my performance. if i fail to workout for 60 minutes i will journal my reason for not doing it. i will be honest with myself and try to understand that my lame excuses are only hurting me.
3. at least half of my daily minutes must be done in the morning. that's when i like to workout and when i have less excuses for not working out.
4. blog regularly with my progress.
5. post before and after pics.

sounds pretty simple and easy, but it won't be. at first anyway. this challege starts tomorrow and i can't wait to see what i'll look like come summer!

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