Wednesday, May 04, 2011
i need to blog cause it's been a month since my last blog. i'm not doing well accomplishing this simple task. i've come to the computer numerous days to blog and haven't. this is the 3rd time i've restarted this blog in the last 10 minutes. i'll just put it all in a nutshell:
i got laid off last month. i have no job. i'm quickly running out of money. not difficult if you didn't have money to begin with. i'm suze orman's worst nightmare. well, there probably are people she is more frightened of than me, but you get the idea.
in all my stress and depression i've finally figured out why i gained all this weight in the first place, now i just need to fix it. in 2002 (2003?) dh got laid off. i worked out daily at this point, but his lack of motivation with life in general got to me and i quit. i remember the day i quit. i was working out, probably before work, and he was still in bed. i just had this thought of why am i working so hard when he isn't? i quit right then and there. mid-video. never got back into a routine in all the years that have passed. after that summer life just went downhill. i wasn't making enough to support us, so everything went to credit cards. he wasn't bringing in anything and wasn't really looking for a job. granted, i'm looking back on all this and maybe he was trying harder than i remember. anyway, he finally got a job when i broke down at work and my boss got him into contact with a friend of his. my boss reminded me a lot of michael scott, but i'm forever in his debt for getting this job for dh. i was in school at this time and since we made so much money (ironic, i know) we didn't qualify for financial aid. so all tuition was out of pocket. yes, i should have held off going back to school till we were more financially secure since i had to go back to part time once school started and he had barely started his new job. more money on credit cards. basically this awful pattern of credit cards and awful debt carried on for years (it still exsists, it was becoming more manageable with an end in site). we never got ahead. things got worse for us in the money department. it took a toll on our relationship. looking back i really do not know how we got through it and are still together. it was a very, very bad 2-3 years. we were so young, 22 - 24.
things finally blew up and somehow we salvaged what was left of us and moved forward. though in this time of moving forward i became drepressed and started emotional eating, drinking and just not giving a crap about myself. i'd lost friends, was stuck in a job i hated and had no extra money. we were in dire straits moneywise. we had no money for anything aside for bills, food, gas. children were definitely out of the question. how do you raise children when you can barely feed yourself? we got a couple breaks money wise and were able to consolidate things. we worked our asses off to buy a house and start to get things in order.
i've been working a lot on budgeting so we could get all our loans and credit cards paid off in the next two years. now that money is gone and i am just so depressed. right now all i want is children. i'm 31, getting a bit too old to have children and i just feel hopeless. i want to have children before i was 30.
i hate my life and i don't know what to do to fix it. sorry this blog turned into more than a nutshell. i just don't know what to say, think or do. i feel completely hopeless and lost.
the good news is i know where the weight gain started. i just need to figure out how to fix it. and hopefully not fall into this awful trap again now that history is repeating itself.
Friday, April 01, 2011
i did it! i woke up at 4 and i worked out!
course, it wasn't as easy as that. i set my alarm on my phone for 4 and left it in the kitchen. i woke up at 4 to 'carry on my wayward son' and was like, who is calling me? then i realized it was my alarm, got up and turned it off. went into the bathroom and told myself, screw this. i'm going back to bed. then i though, nope, it's day 1! you can't fail day 1! so i changed, grabbed a bottle of water and put a pilates video in. my plan was to do this pilates video (25 min) then a spark video i haven't tried out yet. i figured it would be about 30 min. then i would complete the hour with some strength exercises. nope. the lame pilates video was 50 min and it was aerobic til the last 10 or so minutes that were floor exercises. so when i was done with that i played on the wii for the rest of the hour.
though i didn't care for the workout i was still proud of myself for completing my goal. at least my heart rate was up.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
i gave this some thought today and after posting my earlier blog have decided to focus on working out for my 100 day challenge. it's really going to be a challenge.
here are my rules:
1. workout min. 60 minutes daily. minutes don't have to be consecutive..
2. journal about the daily workout. how i felt before, during, after. etc. changes i'm noticing in myself and my performance. if i fail to workout for 60 minutes i will journal my reason for not doing it. i will be honest with myself and try to understand that my lame excuses are only hurting me.
3. at least half of my daily minutes must be done in the morning. that's when i like to workout and when i have less excuses for not working out.
4. blog regularly with my progress.
5. post before and after pics.
sounds pretty simple and easy, but it won't be. at first anyway. this challege starts tomorrow and i can't wait to see what i'll look like come summer!
Thursday, March 31, 2011
i wasn't going to do april goals since i've been slacking so much lately. coming to the realization yesterday that i have, finally, lost 10 lbs made me realize that i need to make goals and be more alert to how i'm acting and what i'm doing. so i have made the same tired goal i make every month, day, week, etc. work out! i obviously need help in this department. it's also really the only thing i have no valid excuses to not do. i use the weather excuse, but i've got tons of in-home exercise stuff at my disposal. i use time, but i've got plenty of time. i could probably easily work out 5 hrs a day. not continuous on all days, but some. yes, i have a sad life. though i could make it less sad.
seriously, here is a work day for me:
4:00-alarm goes off so i can get up to work out. i push snooze til 5:30. shower, breakfast, net time. leave for work at 7:15-ish.
5:30-ish: home from work. clean kitchen, vacuum, laundry, etc. start dinner.
6-ish: eat dinner
6-ish-10ish: eat dinner, clean kitchen, watch tv/movie, read, etc. bed time.
yup, there is easily 2 hrs in there i could squeeze in a workout.
but this is nothing compared to the weekend:
6:30- getting out of bed. i am always up by 6:30 on the weekends. it's a curse from doing it my entire life. doesn't matter what time i go to bed. even if it's 4 am.
now, the remainder of my day depends on what i have planned. if i'm grocery shopping i will be at the store by 8. if i'm meeting people for something it's usually around 10. if i have nothing planned i clean. so my mornings are sometimes active. but most weekends, especially in the winter, i sit on the couch and watch tv all day. in the spring/summer i'll be outside working in the yard or sitting on the back deck.
if i have plans at night i usually don't do anything til around 8. i start dinner around 6.
so why the heck am i not spending a couple hours a day working out on the weekends?! what the heck is wrong with me?! maybe i feel it's cutting into my tv time. i must change things.
there are a lot of 100 day challenges going on right now. i've decided to partake. i'm going to start tomorrow and i will have a full plan at that time. right now i'm leaning towards 100 days of working out. again, it's what i can afford to do and i've got plenty of time to do it. i really want to do a clean eating thing, but money is very tight so food is not the greatest, but it could be worse! i'm basically just not getting enough food. today for instance: breakfast was an egg sandwich on a whole wheat english muffin with a glass of ff milk. lunch will be leftover spaghetti and i have a low-fat string cheese for snack. then dinner is more leftover spaghetti with homemade bread. and milk. see, not a lot of food there. i will be hungry and if i'm lucky i won't eat the ice cream in the work freezer and no one will bring any wonderful snacks in to temp me. like donuts. cause i'm gonna be too hungry to use the amount of willpower it will take to say no. i do wish i worked somewhere where everyone's idea of bringing in a treat was fruit or something else healthy. right now i am out of fruits and veggies and have no other snack foods at home. my fridge is "stocked" with eggs, cheese, half-gallon of milk pickles and lunch meat. can't wait til i get paid on wednesday.
so, i'm guessing a 100 day challenge of working out will be the best bet for me.
i'm really hoping my hours will be given back to me at work in the next week or 2. hopefully today. that would be another $100 on a paycheck and i could really, really use that money. i've been struggling since november. i can't do it anymore.
sorry this got so long winded. i really only came on here to post my goal for the month. thanks for reading! i'm going to review my march goals and see if i accomplished anything. i'll report back tomorrow with my 100 day challenge and a plan to support it.
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