Tuesday, February 15, 2011
I’m beginning to feel unmotivated. I’m not surprised, it is February after all. I have been doing pretty well this year, which I have to remind myself of everyday. Look what you’ve accomplished! Still the past week or so I’ve felt unmotivated.
I’ve been doing the 30 day shred all month and I’ve been very proud of myself with that. But my knee has been bothering me. I woke up Saturday morning and it was so swollen and sore I could barely move it. So I decided to work out to see if that would help. It didn’t. I was on day 11 of 30ds and day 1 of level 2. I did the workout but I couldn’t fully do the lunges, squats, etc. So I decided to postpone the 30 ds and focus on some lower intensity stuff. I did that Sunday and it was much easier. I also iced my knee throughout the weekend. It does feel better now, but still some pain when I move it too much or not enough. I’ve taken today and Monday off from working out just so I don’t hurt it further or cause lasting issues.
But let me tell you, giving up on the 30 ds has really gotten to me! I feel like a failure! I know the only reason I’m not doing it is because of my knee, but it’s been difficult to accept that.
I’m totally broke and wasn’t able to get all the food I needed to have proper snacks on hand so I’ve been eating pretty poorly the last week or so. I feel like I’m losing control of everything.
Combine that with my usual winter blahs that come around every February and you have me feeling pretty darn bummed. I just want to curl up on the couch and go to bed at 7 every night.
I hate feeling like this. I know where it leads. It leads to what 2010 became when I let these feelings get the best of me and they just kept getting worse and I kept gaining weight til I hit my highest weight ever. I’m so scared of failing right now. I had great expectations for this year and right now I feel as though they are completely unattainable.
Tonight I’m going to go through the journal I was keeping at the beginning of last year and through some of the blogs I’ve posted here (reading all your great comments always helps!) to try and get some frame of mind about where I was 2 months ago, last year, even last week. I do not want to fail again! I can’t!
I just need to get out of this funk.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Back in 2008/2009 my sis-in-law joined weight watchers. I’m not sure how much weight she needs/wanted to lose, but she had well over 100 lbs. She was pretty closed-mouth about it, aside from telling people that she was doing it, and talking about how much she loves the punching bag, and talking about what she ate from time to time. She did their online version as she didn’t want to attend meetings and she did it pretty much on her own. Right before Christmas 2009 she told me she had lost 50 lbs over the year and a half. I told her great job and that she looked good.
Fast forward to, well, now. I noticed last year that she didn’t talk about ww anymore, she didn’t make comments about working out and she never commented on her horrible eating habits (she would eat a chicken breast for dinner then two hours later eat a bunch of chips cause she was so hungry). Plus I didn’t notice any differences in her appearance. I figured she had given up and I didn’t want to bring it up.
Until Wednesday night. She invited me and dh out to dinner. We went to a hot wings joint and ate hot wings and beer. This is not something I wanted to do, but we had been turning down her invites lately due to lack of money and my focus on eating healthy. She started talking about the new workout clothes she had just bought. I got all supportive and said that’s great, new clothes are so fun! Her roommate is a body pump instructor and likes to practice at home so she does it with him. Then she said she hadn’t eaten all day so she could eat more at dinner. I said that was awful and defeated the point. She said she knew. She also said she drinks a Rock Star juice energy drink every morning for breakfast. I got so mad! Back when she was doing ww she ate oatmeal for breakfast, had a lean cuisine for lunch then whatever for dinner. She knew this worked! Even when she saved all her points and flex points for the weekend so she could drink all night.
I so badly wanted to talk to her about what she was doing to herself and how it wasn’t going to help her in the long run. But she is so opinionated and never wrong, I didn’t want to start an argument. The whole thing did however motivate me to eat better, workout and just do things the right way to show her what she could do if she’d quit cheating herself out of a healthy lifestyle.
Thanks for listening. I just needed to rant to people who might understand my feelings.
Friday, February 04, 2011
i just ate fast food. jack in the box to be more specific. i haven't had fast food in over a year (go me!) omg! i'm starving at work and boss lady is being a crazy psycho today driving us all insane. my co-workers say they're leaving for lunch to get away from the crazy and do i want to go with? sure, i say! then i grab a granola bar to hush my tummy for a bit. i go into jack in the box with them and i order! then i eat! wth?!
it was good. i hadn't had their curly fries before so that was a nice change. i got a lemonade instead of soda (go me!). i told myself i've been doing great, i succeeded in my year of no fast food, i deserve a reward. ugh, that was not a reward! less than 30 minutes after eating my tummy was angry. it was cramping and making funny noises. then my head started to feel like my brain wanted to explode out of my skull. my eyes were heavy, i felt light-headed. my arms feel like they weigh a ton. i'm writing stuff at work and i can barely lift the pen between words. i just want to curl up and take a nap.
ugh, never again!
i'm not going to beat myself up over this. i've been really good about being nice to myself. i won't blame any weight i may gain this week (which i sure hope doesn't happen) on this, i have the superbowl to thank for that! i'm going to keep on doing what i've been doing and i'm going to make my no fast food streak last longer than a year and a wee bit over a month. live & learn. ugh, i never want to feel this awful again!
Friday, January 21, 2011
ah, 2011, so far you've been my friend! when i compare myself to the person i was in january of 2010 to the person i am now, it's like a completely different person! i had so many goals, and desires back in '10. i had too many! i lost focus, one bad thing happened and i lost sight of everything and by the middle of february i was back where i was before i started the year with all my high hopes. took a year, but apparently i learned my lesson! it was a tough year and i'm glad it's behind me.
the biggest thing i learned is that january will always kick my butt. so this year i'm prepared! with the holidays messing up the last couple of months of the year for us all, we all plan to make big changes in january. i realized last year this doesn't work for me. i have 4 birthdays within 2 weeks of each other to celebrate, one being my own, so i'm doomed! parties, cake, beer, dinners, etc! last year the anxiety of trying to survive them all killed me. mix that with toxic friends, SAD, wanting spring to be here NOW and still being broke from the holidays, i just lost all the motivation i started the new year out with.
in my preperation to make 2011 awesome i made myself aware that january was going to suck, so i needed to practice and make plans for the year ahead, rather than being 100% spot on everyday in january. i re-re-re-started "the spark" a few days into the new year. it's kept my focus and helped me work on goals and prepare for the year ahead. i feel i'm in control and i'm making slow, but steady progress. i've been tracking almost all my food, counting my fruits and veggies, and working in activity where i can. i still have a lot of work to do, but i'm not beating myself up over my mistakes and bad days. this is something i've never done before. i'm my own worst enemy. time to change that.
i have accomplished a lot this month, i've already lost all my holiday weight, i've been very good about not drinking alcohol, i've avoided junk food and i've made some great new recipes. so far it's been a very good year! i think that will continue on through the next few months til i have to start dealing with the pressures of summer. lol! mostly i drink too much and stay up too late.
the next two weeks are going to be tough! my main goal is to stay focused and not regain any of the weight i've lost. i have a birthday dinner tonight, my sis-in-law/my birthday party tomorrow, my bday dinner tuesday, maybe sil's bday wednesday and then my friend is coming into town to really celebrate my bday next weekend. then it's the superbowl...
i'm looking forward to february cause the craziness will be over, i can't think of a single birthday i have to help celebrate, the superbowl is early enough in the month i can still consider it january and i'll be ready to kick some serious butt and shed some major poundage!
thanks again to everyone who commented on my last blog. i made it through the cravings!
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