Friday, January 21, 2011
ah, 2011, so far you've been my friend! when i compare myself to the person i was in january of 2010 to the person i am now, it's like a completely different person! i had so many goals, and desires back in '10. i had too many! i lost focus, one bad thing happened and i lost sight of everything and by the middle of february i was back where i was before i started the year with all my high hopes. took a year, but apparently i learned my lesson! it was a tough year and i'm glad it's behind me.
the biggest thing i learned is that january will always kick my butt. so this year i'm prepared! with the holidays messing up the last couple of months of the year for us all, we all plan to make big changes in january. i realized last year this doesn't work for me. i have 4 birthdays within 2 weeks of each other to celebrate, one being my own, so i'm doomed! parties, cake, beer, dinners, etc! last year the anxiety of trying to survive them all killed me. mix that with toxic friends, SAD, wanting spring to be here NOW and still being broke from the holidays, i just lost all the motivation i started the new year out with.
in my preperation to make 2011 awesome i made myself aware that january was going to suck, so i needed to practice and make plans for the year ahead, rather than being 100% spot on everyday in january. i re-re-re-started "the spark" a few days into the new year. it's kept my focus and helped me work on goals and prepare for the year ahead. i feel i'm in control and i'm making slow, but steady progress. i've been tracking almost all my food, counting my fruits and veggies, and working in activity where i can. i still have a lot of work to do, but i'm not beating myself up over my mistakes and bad days. this is something i've never done before. i'm my own worst enemy. time to change that.
i have accomplished a lot this month, i've already lost all my holiday weight, i've been very good about not drinking alcohol, i've avoided junk food and i've made some great new recipes. so far it's been a very good year! i think that will continue on through the next few months til i have to start dealing with the pressures of summer. lol! mostly i drink too much and stay up too late.
the next two weeks are going to be tough! my main goal is to stay focused and not regain any of the weight i've lost. i have a birthday dinner tonight, my sis-in-law/my birthday party tomorrow, my bday dinner tuesday, maybe sil's bday wednesday and then my friend is coming into town to really celebrate my bday next weekend. then it's the superbowl...
i'm looking forward to february cause the craziness will be over, i can't think of a single birthday i have to help celebrate, the superbowl is early enough in the month i can still consider it january and i'll be ready to kick some serious butt and shed some major poundage!
thanks again to everyone who commented on my last blog. i made it through the cravings!
Thursday, January 20, 2011
so i gave up junk food for my new year's resolution. in my planning for this i thought of pms and the couple days of craving sweet and salty and greasy. i thought, hopefully, that since i wasn't eating junk the cravings would be less. and they are. but jeez, all i can think about is junk food! and there are freaking doughnuts in the breakroom!
i just want some potato chips, ice cream, candy bars, sugar!
will survive this. i have to! i am stronger than this, i just need this dull, quiet day of work to be over so i can concentrate on something else. like how to avoid the bag of potato chips in the pantry! ugh, dh usually devours a bag in a couple days, this one has been there for weeks!
i can do this
i can do this
i can do this
Saturday, January 15, 2011
This picture of me was taken back in 1999. i was in college and just having fun. i remember the exact moment it was taken: i was in my dormroom talking to my roommate. we had bunk beds and i was standing on the frame hanging onto the top bar kind of doing a pushup type move back and forth and swinging around, just hanging out. someone called me from down the hall so i swung out the doorway, saw a camera and smiled. it was so spur of the moment and i just reacted naturally and quickly, so thankfully i didn't have a shocked or 'huh?' look on my face.
i saw this pic today as i was looking for a new facebook profile picture (which this now is) and paused on this picture and thought 'i want to be that girl again'. when i was 18, right about the time of high school graduation, i finally found some confidence in me and my appearance. i was running regularly and finally stopped thinking of myself as fat. i mean, i wasn't at the weight that i wanted to be (10-20 lbs, maybe from my 140 dream goal, but definitely in a healthy range), but i had muscle definition, nice legs and a flat belly (not flat enough, of course!). i was fun! i had fun! without alcohol, most of the time. my whole life was in front of me, the possibilities endless. i wish i had kept this positive feeling and confidence. i gained weight, i quit running, i lost focus on my future. i became very self conscious. i became very unhappy. having fun needed more alcohol. i needed alcohol to have fun, not be shy and gain a bit of confidence in front of people.
i'm not sure when this happened. i suppose sometime in my early 20's, but i think it was a gradual process, just like the weight gain. there wasn't one moment that changed me, there were many. and they just kept piling up and growing. then i lost control, and now i'm here. unhappy, overweight with no confidence.
well that's changing! i'm going to gain confidence! i'm going to be happy! without alcohol! and i'm going to regain that twinkle in my eye and that easy, carefree, natural smile. i'm going to find my dimples and that definition in my cheek bones. i'm going to find myself! and i'm going to be proud of myself.
i have this pic around here somewhere. i'm going to post it somewhere i will see it everyday. maybe make some copies so i can see it in other places i may need motivation (on the fridge) and i'm going to find that person and be that person again.
Monday, January 10, 2011
finished week 1 of the spark with a bang! i rocked it and i feel great! i didn't beat myself up, i didn't make sky high goals that i wasn't able to accomplish and i feel totally great about my success. week 2 should be a cake walk. it's full of stuff i do on a daily basis any. i just need to focus on working out regularly and track food. that is a downfall. i love seeing the results of what i ate at the end of the day, but i hate having to input everything. i'm going to come up with a better system for that this week.
i tried doing the spark challenge last february, but i failed sometime in week 2. or before i even made it to week 2. i had high hopes for 2010, but i got lost in the funk of turning 30, the winter blues and whatever else came my way. this year i'm prepared, i feel like my goals are more attainable. i also feel as though i'm in a different mindset. i have given myself a timeline to lose the weight (100 lbs in a year). that makes me feel more in control of my success. i know i'm not going to lose it all by summer, but if i stick to a 2 lb a week goal, i will look a heck of a lot better come summer!
yesterday i tackled my closet. I am one of those people who hang on to clothes cause they may fit again one day. i also buy something in a smaller size cause i'm almost there, but for one reason or anothe, never get there. so i have a lot of clothes in my closet and dresser that don't fit. i know this is bad. you're not supposed to hang on to that sort of thing. it causes bad feelings and mindsets. here's my issue: i'm going to lose this weight and i'll need smaller clothes. i can't get rid of all the clothes that don't fit cause i don't have money to replace them. but i don't want to look at a closet full of clothes i can't wear.
yesterday i pulled out everything that was smaller than an XL. i made a pile of stuff for goodwill then i divided the rest of it. i put everthing that was a L into one pile and all the M and S in another. both piles went into seperate bags and into a different closet (out of site out of mind) until i'm small enough to need them again. this was so theraputic! usually when i walk into my closet to find something to wear i'm thinking sad thoughts on how i wish i could wear such and such and negative thoughts about how fat i am. when i was sorting and bagging i was thinking things like, i can't wait to wear that! i was excited to be able to imagine what i would be wearing in the next year. i wish i had done this closet cleanse before. i felt great yesterday and was in a very positive mood for hours after.
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