Friday, February 04, 2011
i just ate fast food. jack in the box to be more specific. i haven't had fast food in over a year (go me!) omg! i'm starving at work and boss lady is being a crazy psycho today driving us all insane. my co-workers say they're leaving for lunch to get away from the crazy and do i want to go with? sure, i say! then i grab a granola bar to hush my tummy for a bit. i go into jack in the box with them and i order! then i eat! wth?!
it was good. i hadn't had their curly fries before so that was a nice change. i got a lemonade instead of soda (go me!). i told myself i've been doing great, i succeeded in my year of no fast food, i deserve a reward. ugh, that was not a reward! less than 30 minutes after eating my tummy was angry. it was cramping and making funny noises. then my head started to feel like my brain wanted to explode out of my skull. my eyes were heavy, i felt light-headed. my arms feel like they weigh a ton. i'm writing stuff at work and i can barely lift the pen between words. i just want to curl up and take a nap.
ugh, never again!
i'm not going to beat myself up over this. i've been really good about being nice to myself. i won't blame any weight i may gain this week (which i sure hope doesn't happen) on this, i have the superbowl to thank for that! i'm going to keep on doing what i've been doing and i'm going to make my no fast food streak last longer than a year and a wee bit over a month. live & learn. ugh, i never want to feel this awful again!
Friday, January 21, 2011
ah, 2011, so far you've been my friend! when i compare myself to the person i was in january of 2010 to the person i am now, it's like a completely different person! i had so many goals, and desires back in '10. i had too many! i lost focus, one bad thing happened and i lost sight of everything and by the middle of february i was back where i was before i started the year with all my high hopes. took a year, but apparently i learned my lesson! it was a tough year and i'm glad it's behind me.
the biggest thing i learned is that january will always kick my butt. so this year i'm prepared! with the holidays messing up the last couple of months of the year for us all, we all plan to make big changes in january. i realized last year this doesn't work for me. i have 4 birthdays within 2 weeks of each other to celebrate, one being my own, so i'm doomed! parties, cake, beer, dinners, etc! last year the anxiety of trying to survive them all killed me. mix that with toxic friends, SAD, wanting spring to be here NOW and still being broke from the holidays, i just lost all the motivation i started the new year out with.
in my preperation to make 2011 awesome i made myself aware that january was going to suck, so i needed to practice and make plans for the year ahead, rather than being 100% spot on everyday in january. i re-re-re-started "the spark" a few days into the new year. it's kept my focus and helped me work on goals and prepare for the year ahead. i feel i'm in control and i'm making slow, but steady progress. i've been tracking almost all my food, counting my fruits and veggies, and working in activity where i can. i still have a lot of work to do, but i'm not beating myself up over my mistakes and bad days. this is something i've never done before. i'm my own worst enemy. time to change that.
i have accomplished a lot this month, i've already lost all my holiday weight, i've been very good about not drinking alcohol, i've avoided junk food and i've made some great new recipes. so far it's been a very good year! i think that will continue on through the next few months til i have to start dealing with the pressures of summer. lol! mostly i drink too much and stay up too late.
the next two weeks are going to be tough! my main goal is to stay focused and not regain any of the weight i've lost. i have a birthday dinner tonight, my sis-in-law/my birthday party tomorrow, my bday dinner tuesday, maybe sil's bday wednesday and then my friend is coming into town to really celebrate my bday next weekend. then it's the superbowl...
i'm looking forward to february cause the craziness will be over, i can't think of a single birthday i have to help celebrate, the superbowl is early enough in the month i can still consider it january and i'll be ready to kick some serious butt and shed some major poundage!
thanks again to everyone who commented on my last blog. i made it through the cravings!
Thursday, January 20, 2011
so i gave up junk food for my new year's resolution. in my planning for this i thought of pms and the couple days of craving sweet and salty and greasy. i thought, hopefully, that since i wasn't eating junk the cravings would be less. and they are. but jeez, all i can think about is junk food! and there are freaking doughnuts in the breakroom!
i just want some potato chips, ice cream, candy bars, sugar!
will survive this. i have to! i am stronger than this, i just need this dull, quiet day of work to be over so i can concentrate on something else. like how to avoid the bag of potato chips in the pantry! ugh, dh usually devours a bag in a couple days, this one has been there for weeks!
i can do this
i can do this
i can do this
Saturday, January 15, 2011
This picture of me was taken back in 1999. i was in college and just having fun. i remember the exact moment it was taken: i was in my dormroom talking to my roommate. we had bunk beds and i was standing on the frame hanging onto the top bar kind of doing a pushup type move back and forth and swinging around, just hanging out. someone called me from down the hall so i swung out the doorway, saw a camera and smiled. it was so spur of the moment and i just reacted naturally and quickly, so thankfully i didn't have a shocked or 'huh?' look on my face.
i saw this pic today as i was looking for a new facebook profile picture (which this now is) and paused on this picture and thought 'i want to be that girl again'. when i was 18, right about the time of high school graduation, i finally found some confidence in me and my appearance. i was running regularly and finally stopped thinking of myself as fat. i mean, i wasn't at the weight that i wanted to be (10-20 lbs, maybe from my 140 dream goal, but definitely in a healthy range), but i had muscle definition, nice legs and a flat belly (not flat enough, of course!). i was fun! i had fun! without alcohol, most of the time. my whole life was in front of me, the possibilities endless. i wish i had kept this positive feeling and confidence. i gained weight, i quit running, i lost focus on my future. i became very self conscious. i became very unhappy. having fun needed more alcohol. i needed alcohol to have fun, not be shy and gain a bit of confidence in front of people.
i'm not sure when this happened. i suppose sometime in my early 20's, but i think it was a gradual process, just like the weight gain. there wasn't one moment that changed me, there were many. and they just kept piling up and growing. then i lost control, and now i'm here. unhappy, overweight with no confidence.
well that's changing! i'm going to gain confidence! i'm going to be happy! without alcohol! and i'm going to regain that twinkle in my eye and that easy, carefree, natural smile. i'm going to find my dimples and that definition in my cheek bones. i'm going to find myself! and i'm going to be proud of myself.
i have this pic around here somewhere. i'm going to post it somewhere i will see it everyday. maybe make some copies so i can see it in other places i may need motivation (on the fridge) and i'm going to find that person and be that person again.
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