Thursday, January 20, 2011
so i gave up junk food for my new year's resolution. in my planning for this i thought of pms and the couple days of craving sweet and salty and greasy. i thought, hopefully, that since i wasn't eating junk the cravings would be less. and they are. but jeez, all i can think about is junk food! and there are freaking doughnuts in the breakroom!
i just want some potato chips, ice cream, candy bars, sugar!
will survive this. i have to! i am stronger than this, i just need this dull, quiet day of work to be over so i can concentrate on something else. like how to avoid the bag of potato chips in the pantry! ugh, dh usually devours a bag in a couple days, this one has been there for weeks!
i can do this
i can do this
i can do this
Saturday, January 15, 2011
This picture of me was taken back in 1999. i was in college and just having fun. i remember the exact moment it was taken: i was in my dormroom talking to my roommate. we had bunk beds and i was standing on the frame hanging onto the top bar kind of doing a pushup type move back and forth and swinging around, just hanging out. someone called me from down the hall so i swung out the doorway, saw a camera and smiled. it was so spur of the moment and i just reacted naturally and quickly, so thankfully i didn't have a shocked or 'huh?' look on my face.
i saw this pic today as i was looking for a new facebook profile picture (which this now is) and paused on this picture and thought 'i want to be that girl again'. when i was 18, right about the time of high school graduation, i finally found some confidence in me and my appearance. i was running regularly and finally stopped thinking of myself as fat. i mean, i wasn't at the weight that i wanted to be (10-20 lbs, maybe from my 140 dream goal, but definitely in a healthy range), but i had muscle definition, nice legs and a flat belly (not flat enough, of course!). i was fun! i had fun! without alcohol, most of the time. my whole life was in front of me, the possibilities endless. i wish i had kept this positive feeling and confidence. i gained weight, i quit running, i lost focus on my future. i became very self conscious. i became very unhappy. having fun needed more alcohol. i needed alcohol to have fun, not be shy and gain a bit of confidence in front of people.
i'm not sure when this happened. i suppose sometime in my early 20's, but i think it was a gradual process, just like the weight gain. there wasn't one moment that changed me, there were many. and they just kept piling up and growing. then i lost control, and now i'm here. unhappy, overweight with no confidence.
well that's changing! i'm going to gain confidence! i'm going to be happy! without alcohol! and i'm going to regain that twinkle in my eye and that easy, carefree, natural smile. i'm going to find my dimples and that definition in my cheek bones. i'm going to find myself! and i'm going to be proud of myself.
i have this pic around here somewhere. i'm going to post it somewhere i will see it everyday. maybe make some copies so i can see it in other places i may need motivation (on the fridge) and i'm going to find that person and be that person again.
Monday, January 10, 2011
finished week 1 of the spark with a bang! i rocked it and i feel great! i didn't beat myself up, i didn't make sky high goals that i wasn't able to accomplish and i feel totally great about my success. week 2 should be a cake walk. it's full of stuff i do on a daily basis any. i just need to focus on working out regularly and track food. that is a downfall. i love seeing the results of what i ate at the end of the day, but i hate having to input everything. i'm going to come up with a better system for that this week.
i tried doing the spark challenge last february, but i failed sometime in week 2. or before i even made it to week 2. i had high hopes for 2010, but i got lost in the funk of turning 30, the winter blues and whatever else came my way. this year i'm prepared, i feel like my goals are more attainable. i also feel as though i'm in a different mindset. i have given myself a timeline to lose the weight (100 lbs in a year). that makes me feel more in control of my success. i know i'm not going to lose it all by summer, but if i stick to a 2 lb a week goal, i will look a heck of a lot better come summer!
yesterday i tackled my closet. I am one of those people who hang on to clothes cause they may fit again one day. i also buy something in a smaller size cause i'm almost there, but for one reason or anothe, never get there. so i have a lot of clothes in my closet and dresser that don't fit. i know this is bad. you're not supposed to hang on to that sort of thing. it causes bad feelings and mindsets. here's my issue: i'm going to lose this weight and i'll need smaller clothes. i can't get rid of all the clothes that don't fit cause i don't have money to replace them. but i don't want to look at a closet full of clothes i can't wear.
yesterday i pulled out everything that was smaller than an XL. i made a pile of stuff for goodwill then i divided the rest of it. i put everthing that was a L into one pile and all the M and S in another. both piles went into seperate bags and into a different closet (out of site out of mind) until i'm small enough to need them again. this was so theraputic! usually when i walk into my closet to find something to wear i'm thinking sad thoughts on how i wish i could wear such and such and negative thoughts about how fat i am. when i was sorting and bagging i was thinking things like, i can't wait to wear that! i was excited to be able to imagine what i would be wearing in the next year. i wish i had done this closet cleanse before. i felt great yesterday and was in a very positive mood for hours after.
Friday, January 07, 2011
ugh, i feel like crud. all year i've been eating real well. gave up junk food, have had very little sugar, caffeine, etc. i've been feeling great! well, last night i went to mexican. i tried ordering something that seemed healthy. but it was greasy! and it had onions! i hate raw onions! i'm eating it and just feeling icky. i didn't finish it and gave the leftovers to dh for lunch today. seems kind of mean to give him something so awful, but he liked his, so i figure it was just me not caring for the meal.
anyway, today i feel gross. i woke up and was getting ready for the shower and just felt low on energy and gross. i had to remind myself repeatedly that i didn't drink any alcohol yesterday (yay!) and this feeling was due to the food. i also have a headache. i have been having neck issues for about a week now so i've been getting off-and-on headaches. it felt better wednesday, but i must have slept wrong last night cause i woke up about 1:30 with a headache and just kept pushing snooze and trying to get comfy til i gave up at 5. i'm sure i would feel better right now if i had worked out, but 4 am did not sound fun this morning when i was just miserable!
i know my headache is due to my neck. i can feel the stiffness. but part of me thinks it's also from the food. i need a new bed and i would love to finally find a great pillow. i don't know that i've ever had a pillow that actually works for me. i was suggested a sabakawa, or whatever, so i may look into that.
as for this gawd awful feeling, i think i may just give up restaurant food entirely. this feeling is not worth the overpriced, high calorie and fat count meal.
Thursday, January 06, 2011
i haven't blogged in awhile, mostly cause i don't have much to blog about. but i thought i should so you all know i'm still alive and kicking.
my goals for 2011 are going pretty well so far. i gave up junk food which includes anything fried, fast food, candy, baked goods that aren't homemade and soda. the list keeps going on a day to day basis. it's quite an adventure that has been pretty easy so far.
my goal is to lose 2 lbs a week.
i gained 1.5 lbs over the holidays.
i'm only drinking on friday and saturday's. i'm going to focus on a 2 drink limit, this is tough for me cause i'm a social drinker. i get to talking and drinking and eating...it's just a roller coaster of a mess. i must focus! the fri and sat limit is due to the fact that if there is alcohol at home i'll drink it. i figure if i can tell myself to hold off til friday and i'll be able to earn a reward. of two drinks! that's probably gonna be the hardest part, until summer. what's better than unwinding on the back deck after a long day with an ice cold beer. ah, summer i so miss you.
i've been feeling pretty good the last few days. i have been having some cravings due to the lack of sugar and soda. i have rewarded myself with one christmas cookie per day for my achievments. they are all homemade and help to ward off the cravings. i do have a large bag of christmas candy waiting to be eaten. the last thing i want to do is start craving sugar or chocolate so badly that i eat a big handful of candy. i'm proud of myself for being so good, even with that bag of sour cream cheddar lays in the pantry. my husband doesn't know it yet, but he's being weened off junkfood. lol!
i have felt pretty positive about myself and life in general all week. it's a great feeling, not sure why or how it came to be, but i'm liking it! i've only worked out once this year, a hour yesterday, but i realized yesterday that i'm not beating myself up over it. usually when i don't workout or sleep through my workout time i beat myself up and say i suck and i'll be fat forever. right now i'm in a "it'll come, don't push it" state of mind. which is awesome! my workout yesterday wasn't painful, as in i didn't force myself to do it therefore it was misery, and i felt really good the whole time. i think things may be clicking!
i'm out of food due to the holidays, eating leftovers forever and lack of money. but i've still eaten 3 healthy meals a day and have actually made myself dig through the freezer and be creative! i'm going shopping for a few things saturday then it'll be payday and i can actually stock up on healthy stuff to get me through.
my birthday is the next hurdle. i still have a couple weeks to plan. last year was a mess! i got so stressed and depressed over turning 30, plus the gloomy weather i just lost my motivation and gave up before valentines day. this year i'm prepared, i'm feeling good and i'll just keep swimming! and i won't drink too much!
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