Wednesday, December 15, 2010
thought of a couple short term goals i can focus on. long enough away i won't stress and soon enough that i won't forget about them.
sept 2011: 10th wedding anniversary. i'd like to somewhat resemble the woman my hubby married all those years ago.
jan 2012: driver's license renewal. maybe, for once, i won't lie about my weight!
Monday, December 13, 2010
Iíve recently been thinking about who I used to be. Trying to find myself and figure out where I lost myself. Iíve never been confident about my body, I was blessed with wide hips when puberty hit so I thought I was fat. I didnít have the slim hips and thighs of other girls my age, so that meant I was fat. My sudden curves and shapely figure led to stretch marks on my hips. This confirmed that I was fat and led to a life of swimsuit cover ups and insecurity. Yes, I was in the healthy weight range for my size and age, but I was bigger, taller, heavier, etc. than the pretty girls. I wanted to be them, I was never able to shrink my hips down to be as narrow as theirs. Course, if I could have the body I had then right now I would appreciate it! I really wish I could have appreciated it then and not beat myself up everyday about how fat I was, cause I wasnít. I look at pictures from jr. high and high school and realize I saw myself in such a messed up way. I was pretty, I was thin, I was healthy.
Even with all that insecurity and self loathing I had amazing outward confidence. I could talk to boys, flirt and just be friends with them. If I had a crush on a boy, even if I didnít stand a chance, he was going to know I was alive. I asked 3 boys to junior prom, knowing full well 2 of the 3 where going to say no. I didnít want to live with the regret and Ďwhat if?í if I didnít ask. The 3rd did say yes, but ended up grounded that night so a bunch of us hung out at his house and had shaving cream fights. My bff and I were unstoppable. No one dared challenge us with anything cause they knew weíd do it. We were the life of the party and had fun, no matter what. My biggest fear was having a regret.
Where did this person go? I went from being the life of the party to being a wallflower. Unless alcohol is involved, of course. Why canít I have at least outward confidence? When did I let my inner securities take over my life?
I realize I canít have the same life I had 15 years ago. Iím married, I donít flirt and have crushes. But arenít I still that fun, life loving person? Arenít I still fun to hang around with? Who am I?
Thursday, December 09, 2010
This year, to add to my many goals, Iím going to find myself. I am sick of being the person I am. Iíve been living in this stupor for the last 5 years or so. I need to be done with this. I donít recognize myself anymore and I sure as hell donít like myself.
Iím trying to figure out when and where things went wrong. Where I lost control, when I lost myself. I started gaining weight in 2005. So was it then? Thinking back to 2005 I can remember some things that would set off this weight gain rollercoaster. I was done with school, but couldnít find a job or a job I could afford to take. So I stayed with what I was doing, which was retail and retail is not a healthy job to have, aside from being on your feet all day. I had access to vending machines, I worked in the mall with the food court, plus all my co-workers were guys. Their daily trips to the food court usually sounded more appealing than whatever I had brought to eat that day.
I hated the job and that lead me to emotional eating. I ate cause I was bored, I ate cause I didnít want to go to work, I ate cause there was a vending machine while I was bored and not wanting to be working. I was never an emotional eater, aside from eating when I was bored. I was more of a too-depressed-to-eat sort of person. Suddenly food helped me feel better about everything. Took me three years to find a job where I could make more money, unfortunately itís also a sit down job. So that added a few more lbs, but at least the atmosphere was healthier.
I almost reached my goal weight of 145 in 2005. I was at 149, and then just started to climb up the scale again. I was at 175 when I started that weight loss journey. Monday the scale informed me Iím 241. Talk about gaining it all back and then some! I found out from this journey of loss and gain that I have a fear of success.
This is an issue Iíve been working with. Every time I set a goal I can hear a small voice in the back of my mind telling me itís not gonna happen and what if it happens. What I need to do is prove that voice wrong. Eventually Iíll do that!
Also in 2005 I lost some friends, for both personal and geographical reasons. Iíve felt pretty alone since then. Which made me turn to alcohol and food even more. I have friends, but most of them are friends of friends.. A lot are my husbandís friends and some are my sister-in-lawís friends that weíve just kind of joined in her group of friends. They are all great people, but I donít feel close enough to any of them to just call them up to chat or meet for coffee. I have three close friends that I remind myself of all the time. But when I have to remind myself I then remember that only 1 of them is a close friend. Sheís the only person Iíd ever call and ask if she wanted to hang out, one-on-one. Everyone else is a group gathering. Which is fine! And fun! But when you need someone to talk to or just chill with itís tough to find someone & lonely.
I do often wonder if this lack of friends thing is something I feel because of how I feel about myself. I donít have any confidence in myself and I hate myself, so how could I expect someone else to like me and want to hang out with me?
I guess thatís enough rambling from me for one day. Thank you all for listening and I truly appreciate you all listening while I try to sort through all the issues in my head. I have a lot of things I need to figure out and a lot of questions I need answers to. So let the fun begin!
Monday, December 06, 2010
dh and i think these things are hilarious! watching the commercial makes me giggle. i mean, you can chat with your friends and tone your arms at the same time! i'm in no way a believer of informecial gadgets and their wonderous ways, but we actually thought this one would be fun. well, i was at the store yesterday and found one for sale! so i bought it and took it home for dh to play with. it sucks! the commercial makes it look like it shakes back and forth with ease. not at all. i couldn't get it to shake at all. mostly i was just throwing my arm around waiting for something to happen. we packaged it back up 5 minutes later. now i have to take it back! i bought it as a joke, but now i have to go back to the store and say it doesn't work. the person is going to look at me like i'm crazy and think, no kidding! it says 'as seen on tv!'.
so if your thinking of getting one of these, don't. you're better off shaking a free weight.
Saturday, December 04, 2010
i have no clothes that fit. i have clothes that will fit me when i get smaller, but for now i have a very limited wardrobe. i refuse to buy big clothes and it tears me up when i try on a 3x and it still doesn't fit. this morning i had to buy a pair of jeans. i bought a pair about a month ago and was hoping to get into a smaller size. no such luck, so i just grabbed the size i needed off the shelf. i put them on this evening and omg! they don't fit! they are too small. i mean, i can zip and button, but they are tight. i realize my older pairs and just "adjusted" to fit me. i soooooo do not want to have to buy the next size up next time i need new jeans. this is so motivating to get my butt moving and workout! '
my goal was to work out today, that hasn't happened. and won't. i've been so busy and i slept in later than i intended. i've been running around all day and now have to go to a birthday party. so i'm hoping tomorrow will be a good workout day for me. i'm the dd tonight, so no idea what time i'll be home and in bed tonight. but i do want to be able to get up and workout tomorrow. i obviously need it!
i hate how i look in everything and i just can't keep living the life i'm in and being the person i am. 2011 is all about turning that around and striving to be a better me. i need to start now, today. even though i don't have time to workout today, i can make smart choices at this party. i can stay in control of my decisions. and i will!
and i really need to work on sparking on the weekends. i've been intending to come in here all day and the 15 minutes i have while waiting for friends to show up so we can leave is when i am finally able to sit down and spark.
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