Monday, January 10, 2011
finished week 1 of the spark with a bang! i rocked it and i feel great! i didn't beat myself up, i didn't make sky high goals that i wasn't able to accomplish and i feel totally great about my success. week 2 should be a cake walk. it's full of stuff i do on a daily basis any. i just need to focus on working out regularly and track food. that is a downfall. i love seeing the results of what i ate at the end of the day, but i hate having to input everything. i'm going to come up with a better system for that this week.
i tried doing the spark challenge last february, but i failed sometime in week 2. or before i even made it to week 2. i had high hopes for 2010, but i got lost in the funk of turning 30, the winter blues and whatever else came my way. this year i'm prepared, i feel like my goals are more attainable. i also feel as though i'm in a different mindset. i have given myself a timeline to lose the weight (100 lbs in a year). that makes me feel more in control of my success. i know i'm not going to lose it all by summer, but if i stick to a 2 lb a week goal, i will look a heck of a lot better come summer!
yesterday i tackled my closet. I am one of those people who hang on to clothes cause they may fit again one day. i also buy something in a smaller size cause i'm almost there, but for one reason or anothe, never get there. so i have a lot of clothes in my closet and dresser that don't fit. i know this is bad. you're not supposed to hang on to that sort of thing. it causes bad feelings and mindsets. here's my issue: i'm going to lose this weight and i'll need smaller clothes. i can't get rid of all the clothes that don't fit cause i don't have money to replace them. but i don't want to look at a closet full of clothes i can't wear.
yesterday i pulled out everything that was smaller than an XL. i made a pile of stuff for goodwill then i divided the rest of it. i put everthing that was a L into one pile and all the M and S in another. both piles went into seperate bags and into a different closet (out of site out of mind) until i'm small enough to need them again. this was so theraputic! usually when i walk into my closet to find something to wear i'm thinking sad thoughts on how i wish i could wear such and such and negative thoughts about how fat i am. when i was sorting and bagging i was thinking things like, i can't wait to wear that! i was excited to be able to imagine what i would be wearing in the next year. i wish i had done this closet cleanse before. i felt great yesterday and was in a very positive mood for hours after.
Friday, January 07, 2011
ugh, i feel like crud. all year i've been eating real well. gave up junk food, have had very little sugar, caffeine, etc. i've been feeling great! well, last night i went to mexican. i tried ordering something that seemed healthy. but it was greasy! and it had onions! i hate raw onions! i'm eating it and just feeling icky. i didn't finish it and gave the leftovers to dh for lunch today. seems kind of mean to give him something so awful, but he liked his, so i figure it was just me not caring for the meal.
anyway, today i feel gross. i woke up and was getting ready for the shower and just felt low on energy and gross. i had to remind myself repeatedly that i didn't drink any alcohol yesterday (yay!) and this feeling was due to the food. i also have a headache. i have been having neck issues for about a week now so i've been getting off-and-on headaches. it felt better wednesday, but i must have slept wrong last night cause i woke up about 1:30 with a headache and just kept pushing snooze and trying to get comfy til i gave up at 5. i'm sure i would feel better right now if i had worked out, but 4 am did not sound fun this morning when i was just miserable!
i know my headache is due to my neck. i can feel the stiffness. but part of me thinks it's also from the food. i need a new bed and i would love to finally find a great pillow. i don't know that i've ever had a pillow that actually works for me. i was suggested a sabakawa, or whatever, so i may look into that.
as for this gawd awful feeling, i think i may just give up restaurant food entirely. this feeling is not worth the overpriced, high calorie and fat count meal.
Thursday, January 06, 2011
i haven't blogged in awhile, mostly cause i don't have much to blog about. but i thought i should so you all know i'm still alive and kicking.
my goals for 2011 are going pretty well so far. i gave up junk food which includes anything fried, fast food, candy, baked goods that aren't homemade and soda. the list keeps going on a day to day basis. it's quite an adventure that has been pretty easy so far.
my goal is to lose 2 lbs a week.
i gained 1.5 lbs over the holidays.
i'm only drinking on friday and saturday's. i'm going to focus on a 2 drink limit, this is tough for me cause i'm a social drinker. i get to talking and drinking and eating...it's just a roller coaster of a mess. i must focus! the fri and sat limit is due to the fact that if there is alcohol at home i'll drink it. i figure if i can tell myself to hold off til friday and i'll be able to earn a reward. of two drinks! that's probably gonna be the hardest part, until summer. what's better than unwinding on the back deck after a long day with an ice cold beer. ah, summer i so miss you.
i've been feeling pretty good the last few days. i have been having some cravings due to the lack of sugar and soda. i have rewarded myself with one christmas cookie per day for my achievments. they are all homemade and help to ward off the cravings. i do have a large bag of christmas candy waiting to be eaten. the last thing i want to do is start craving sugar or chocolate so badly that i eat a big handful of candy. i'm proud of myself for being so good, even with that bag of sour cream cheddar lays in the pantry. my husband doesn't know it yet, but he's being weened off junkfood. lol!
i have felt pretty positive about myself and life in general all week. it's a great feeling, not sure why or how it came to be, but i'm liking it! i've only worked out once this year, a hour yesterday, but i realized yesterday that i'm not beating myself up over it. usually when i don't workout or sleep through my workout time i beat myself up and say i suck and i'll be fat forever. right now i'm in a "it'll come, don't push it" state of mind. which is awesome! my workout yesterday wasn't painful, as in i didn't force myself to do it therefore it was misery, and i felt really good the whole time. i think things may be clicking!
i'm out of food due to the holidays, eating leftovers forever and lack of money. but i've still eaten 3 healthy meals a day and have actually made myself dig through the freezer and be creative! i'm going shopping for a few things saturday then it'll be payday and i can actually stock up on healthy stuff to get me through.
my birthday is the next hurdle. i still have a couple weeks to plan. last year was a mess! i got so stressed and depressed over turning 30, plus the gloomy weather i just lost my motivation and gave up before valentines day. this year i'm prepared, i'm feeling good and i'll just keep swimming! and i won't drink too much!
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
thought of a couple short term goals i can focus on. long enough away i won't stress and soon enough that i won't forget about them.
sept 2011: 10th wedding anniversary. i'd like to somewhat resemble the woman my hubby married all those years ago.
jan 2012: driver's license renewal. maybe, for once, i won't lie about my weight!
Monday, December 13, 2010
Iíve recently been thinking about who I used to be. Trying to find myself and figure out where I lost myself. Iíve never been confident about my body, I was blessed with wide hips when puberty hit so I thought I was fat. I didnít have the slim hips and thighs of other girls my age, so that meant I was fat. My sudden curves and shapely figure led to stretch marks on my hips. This confirmed that I was fat and led to a life of swimsuit cover ups and insecurity. Yes, I was in the healthy weight range for my size and age, but I was bigger, taller, heavier, etc. than the pretty girls. I wanted to be them, I was never able to shrink my hips down to be as narrow as theirs. Course, if I could have the body I had then right now I would appreciate it! I really wish I could have appreciated it then and not beat myself up everyday about how fat I was, cause I wasnít. I look at pictures from jr. high and high school and realize I saw myself in such a messed up way. I was pretty, I was thin, I was healthy.
Even with all that insecurity and self loathing I had amazing outward confidence. I could talk to boys, flirt and just be friends with them. If I had a crush on a boy, even if I didnít stand a chance, he was going to know I was alive. I asked 3 boys to junior prom, knowing full well 2 of the 3 where going to say no. I didnít want to live with the regret and Ďwhat if?í if I didnít ask. The 3rd did say yes, but ended up grounded that night so a bunch of us hung out at his house and had shaving cream fights. My bff and I were unstoppable. No one dared challenge us with anything cause they knew weíd do it. We were the life of the party and had fun, no matter what. My biggest fear was having a regret.
Where did this person go? I went from being the life of the party to being a wallflower. Unless alcohol is involved, of course. Why canít I have at least outward confidence? When did I let my inner securities take over my life?
I realize I canít have the same life I had 15 years ago. Iím married, I donít flirt and have crushes. But arenít I still that fun, life loving person? Arenít I still fun to hang around with? Who am I?
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