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short term goals

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

thought of a couple short term goals i can focus on. long enough away i won't stress and soon enough that i won't forget about them.

sept 2011: 10th wedding anniversary. i'd like to somewhat resemble the woman my hubby married all those years ago.

jan 2012: driver's license renewal. maybe, for once, i won't lie about my weight!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KIRKPATRICK1314 1/6/2011 12:15PM

  Great Goals....I too have a 10th wedding anniversary coming up on in September. My goal was to lose my weight and show my husband the old me when we go on our anniversary cruise to the Carribean.

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DONNA_VT 12/19/2010 4:50PM

    Great Goals: I may borrow them . . .I have a 15th wedding Anniversary in July.

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CXNLITTLE 12/15/2010 11:43PM

    Good goals!

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MOMFAN 12/15/2010 10:30PM

    I was happy that I got to give them my true weight even though I still had some to go! It was great, loved getting the new pic! emoticon

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MRSMELVIN1 12/15/2010 3:09PM

    I love the goals.. I refuse the change my weight on my license. That way it's a reminder of just how far I have come.


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finding myself part 2: i used to be awesome!

Monday, December 13, 2010

Iíve recently been thinking about who I used to be. Trying to find myself and figure out where I lost myself. Iíve never been confident about my body, I was blessed with wide hips when puberty hit so I thought I was fat. I didnít have the slim hips and thighs of other girls my age, so that meant I was fat. My sudden curves and shapely figure led to stretch marks on my hips. This confirmed that I was fat and led to a life of swimsuit cover ups and insecurity. Yes, I was in the healthy weight range for my size and age, but I was bigger, taller, heavier, etc. than the pretty girls. I wanted to be them, I was never able to shrink my hips down to be as narrow as theirs. Course, if I could have the body I had then right now I would appreciate it! I really wish I could have appreciated it then and not beat myself up everyday about how fat I was, cause I wasnít. I look at pictures from jr. high and high school and realize I saw myself in such a messed up way. I was pretty, I was thin, I was healthy.

Even with all that insecurity and self loathing I had amazing outward confidence. I could talk to boys, flirt and just be friends with them. If I had a crush on a boy, even if I didnít stand a chance, he was going to know I was alive. I asked 3 boys to junior prom, knowing full well 2 of the 3 where going to say no. I didnít want to live with the regret and Ďwhat if?í if I didnít ask. The 3rd did say yes, but ended up grounded that night so a bunch of us hung out at his house and had shaving cream fights. My bff and I were unstoppable. No one dared challenge us with anything cause they knew weíd do it. We were the life of the party and had fun, no matter what. My biggest fear was having a regret.

Where did this person go? I went from being the life of the party to being a wallflower. Unless alcohol is involved, of course. Why canít I have at least outward confidence? When did I let my inner securities take over my life?
I realize I canít have the same life I had 15 years ago. Iím married, I donít flirt and have crushes. But arenít I still that fun, life loving person? Arenít I still fun to hang around with? Who am I?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MOMFAN 12/15/2010 12:16AM

    emoticonI think you are amazing and you need to start telling yourself that every day. Look in the mirror and tell yourself that starting now.

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CXNLITTLE 12/14/2010 1:32AM

    Hope one day we can figure that out! Good luck!

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STUNNINGBY30 12/13/2010 10:07PM

    I think about that all the time too - I was a lot more brazen and exciting when I was younger (and I'm not even old now - just exhausted by life)... but I think the best thing you said was that you didn't want to live with no regrets. That is really what motivated you - the other stuff was a product of that mind...maybe that is where to start!!

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W8WHITTILER 12/13/2010 9:00PM

    You are still there..you are just hiding due to a bit of a weight increase.
Let her out, and watch how you blossom and how things change for you, don't cover up who you really are.
Let your light shine, be happy with yourself, even now..and the rest will follow.
I know, I am learning to let myself go, and be myself, no more hiding, and I am loving life again! Fully!

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OUTDOORMAMA3 12/13/2010 8:54PM

    there must be a case of missing people then all hiding somewhere cause mine disappeared too--but hopefully i will find her again soon--hope you find your twin too :D Have a wonderful holiday season :)

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FIGHT2SURVIVE 12/13/2010 5:38PM

    If you ever find out the answers to these questions, please let me know; because I think former me is hanging out with former you somewhere and we need to find them and raise hell.

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finding myself part 1

Thursday, December 09, 2010

This year, to add to my many goals, Iím going to find myself. I am sick of being the person I am. Iíve been living in this stupor for the last 5 years or so. I need to be done with this. I donít recognize myself anymore and I sure as hell donít like myself.
Iím trying to figure out when and where things went wrong. Where I lost control, when I lost myself. I started gaining weight in 2005. So was it then? Thinking back to 2005 I can remember some things that would set off this weight gain rollercoaster. I was done with school, but couldnít find a job or a job I could afford to take. So I stayed with what I was doing, which was retail and retail is not a healthy job to have, aside from being on your feet all day. I had access to vending machines, I worked in the mall with the food court, plus all my co-workers were guys. Their daily trips to the food court usually sounded more appealing than whatever I had brought to eat that day.
I hated the job and that lead me to emotional eating. I ate cause I was bored, I ate cause I didnít want to go to work, I ate cause there was a vending machine while I was bored and not wanting to be working. I was never an emotional eater, aside from eating when I was bored. I was more of a too-depressed-to-eat sort of person. Suddenly food helped me feel better about everything. Took me three years to find a job where I could make more money, unfortunately itís also a sit down job. So that added a few more lbs, but at least the atmosphere was healthier.
I almost reached my goal weight of 145 in 2005. I was at 149, and then just started to climb up the scale again. I was at 175 when I started that weight loss journey. Monday the scale informed me Iím 241. Talk about gaining it all back and then some! I found out from this journey of loss and gain that I have a fear of success.
This is an issue Iíve been working with. Every time I set a goal I can hear a small voice in the back of my mind telling me itís not gonna happen and what if it happens. What I need to do is prove that voice wrong. Eventually Iíll do that!
Also in 2005 I lost some friends, for both personal and geographical reasons. Iíve felt pretty alone since then. Which made me turn to alcohol and food even more. I have friends, but most of them are friends of friends.. A lot are my husbandís friends and some are my sister-in-lawís friends that weíve just kind of joined in her group of friends. They are all great people, but I donít feel close enough to any of them to just call them up to chat or meet for coffee. I have three close friends that I remind myself of all the time. But when I have to remind myself I then remember that only 1 of them is a close friend. Sheís the only person Iíd ever call and ask if she wanted to hang out, one-on-one. Everyone else is a group gathering. Which is fine! And fun! But when you need someone to talk to or just chill with itís tough to find someone & lonely.
I do often wonder if this lack of friends thing is something I feel because of how I feel about myself. I donít have any confidence in myself and I hate myself, so how could I expect someone else to like me and want to hang out with me?
I guess thatís enough rambling from me for one day. Thank you all for listening and I truly appreciate you all listening while I try to sort through all the issues in my head. I have a lot of things I need to figure out and a lot of questions I need answers to. So let the fun begin!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ROSH64 12/14/2010 4:22PM

  Write on, a journal is a great way to discover things.

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W8WHITTILER 12/13/2010 9:02PM

    Soul searching is a great exercise, it allows us to find out where we started getting where we are today.
It will take some time, but as you progress, be sure to let yourself, your true self come out with it, then the happiness will follow and the everything else you dream of will happen as well!

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MOMFAN 12/10/2010 2:33AM

    I think I could have written your blog several years ago! You can do this! Start with small goals you can succeed at and celebrate them! Success brings success!

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SHAN2SHAGG 12/9/2010 6:24PM

    I am glad you are recognizing all of it. It helps to write it all down. Once you are in a rut, it is hard to get out of. I know I had too long of a break from exercising and mentally as well as physically I was not feeling well because of it. I also get the friends thing. with having kids, I need a break and want to just hang out or talk some times. But it is hard to get anyone on the phone to talk to, or listen and sometimes it is hard being the one making the phone call. feel free to call me, I can support you, encourage you and be there for you. we are all in this together. I know you can do it! you are strong, you are beautiful, you are powerful. whatever you put your mind and heart into you can do it. find something new and fun to do. new workout, new shoes. find something that will excite you and get you back on track! Shan emoticon

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RAVENSONG37 12/9/2010 5:28PM

    You sound a lot like me. So many things in common. Keep working...you WILL get where you want to be!!

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so i bought a shake weight...

Monday, December 06, 2010

dh and i think these things are hilarious! watching the commercial makes me giggle. i mean, you can chat with your friends and tone your arms at the same time! i'm in no way a believer of informecial gadgets and their wonderous ways, but we actually thought this one would be fun. well, i was at the store yesterday and found one for sale! so i bought it and took it home for dh to play with. it sucks! the commercial makes it look like it shakes back and forth with ease. not at all. i couldn't get it to shake at all. mostly i was just throwing my arm around waiting for something to happen. we packaged it back up 5 minutes later. now i have to take it back! i bought it as a joke, but now i have to go back to the store and say it doesn't work. the person is going to look at me like i'm crazy and think, no kidding! it says 'as seen on tv!'.

so if your thinking of getting one of these, don't. you're better off shaking a free weight.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MUSCLEADDICT32 12/9/2010 5:11PM

    I was just gonna add but Fiery already did..the South Park episode about this was fricking hilarious!!! Watch it if you haven't yet! emoticon

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ISLANDBETH 12/7/2010 4:38PM

    So funny! I was in the DMV the first time I saw one of those commercials. I live on an island and the local culture is pretty conservative. So, I am sitting there and the commercial comes on, no sound, and after about 30 seconds, I start snickering... then the old man next to me starts laughing and next thing you know, ten people waiting around for their license plates are crying over this stupid shake weight commercial. Love it! emoticon

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MOMFAN 12/7/2010 12:00AM

    Glad you can at least take it back!

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CXNLITTLE 12/6/2010 11:56PM

    Thanks for the tip!

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WORKINGITIN 12/6/2010 9:54PM

    Thanks for testing it for us and reporting it sux.


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VEGASLADY24 12/6/2010 5:13PM

    I guess the first thing we should look at when we see those infomercials is "who is using the product". They sure don't look like they need to tone up or lose weight do they? emoticon I did pick one up at the store once but it didn't move as easy as they showed on tv and I just put it back. Thanks for the confirming I did the right thing.

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JASI27 12/6/2010 3:00PM

    I am a sucker for weight loss gadgets too Karry! I bought one of those sliding thingys and then I actually saw them using it on Biggest Loser and almost died!! I wondered if mine was still up in the attic. You know those things that you put the cloth on over your shoes and slide back and forth on the mat??? Gosh I wish I could remember what it was called! LOL

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SPLASHDOG1 12/6/2010 1:59PM

    Oh that's too bad, it did sound fun! Well, you had to try right?! I enjoy trying to change things up so I don't get bored. Sometimes it works, sometimes not. Better luck next time!

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MENHALLS 12/6/2010 1:43PM

    Always good to know about annoying products that don't deliver!

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EVRLNGFOO 12/6/2010 1:14PM

    haha, we ended up with a thigh master somehow when i was younger. those things are hilarious! you can even use them on a plane!
if you hubby is like mine it's cause he actually wants to play with it!
i read a bunch of reviews on it and 98% were positive, though not all were believeable. like one that said she noticed definition after the second workout. lol! there were a few of the negative reviews that mentioned pain caused by the weight and one guy even had to go to the chiropractor! yesterday afternoon my arm hurt and i even felt like i had pulled a muscle in my back. i couldn't figure out what would have caused this sudden pain, now i know! jeez! i didn't even use it! i attempted to.

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FIERYSPARKED 12/6/2010 1:13PM

    Do any of you watch South Park? They totally made fun of this gadget.

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KARRYB1 12/6/2010 12:12PM

    I saw a Review of it on The Rachael Ray Show and they laughed at it and said it wasn't much of a workout.
Live and learn. emoticon I've always been a sucker for weight loss gadgets. I even bought a Suzanne Sommers Thigh master.

Comment edited on: 12/6/2010 12:14:46 PM

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MANDERSON19 12/6/2010 11:57AM

    That's so funny. My husband keeps telling me he's going to get me one. I have no idea why he thinks I need one, but I'll be glad to pass this info on to him! HA!

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wake up call

Saturday, December 04, 2010

i have no clothes that fit. i have clothes that will fit me when i get smaller, but for now i have a very limited wardrobe. i refuse to buy big clothes and it tears me up when i try on a 3x and it still doesn't fit. this morning i had to buy a pair of jeans. i bought a pair about a month ago and was hoping to get into a smaller size. no such luck, so i just grabbed the size i needed off the shelf. i put them on this evening and omg! they don't fit! they are too small. i mean, i can zip and button, but they are tight. i realize my older pairs and just "adjusted" to fit me. i soooooo do not want to have to buy the next size up next time i need new jeans. this is so motivating to get my butt moving and workout! '

my goal was to work out today, that hasn't happened. and won't. i've been so busy and i slept in later than i intended. i've been running around all day and now have to go to a birthday party. so i'm hoping tomorrow will be a good workout day for me. i'm the dd tonight, so no idea what time i'll be home and in bed tonight. but i do want to be able to get up and workout tomorrow. i obviously need it!

i hate how i look in everything and i just can't keep living the life i'm in and being the person i am. 2011 is all about turning that around and striving to be a better me. i need to start now, today. even though i don't have time to workout today, i can make smart choices at this party. i can stay in control of my decisions. and i will!

and i really need to work on sparking on the weekends. i've been intending to come in here all day and the 15 minutes i have while waiting for friends to show up so we can leave is when i am finally able to sit down and spark.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MENHALLS 12/6/2010 1:46PM

    Deep breaths! Don't stress - just get moving. I can't wait for the day you post about fitting a 2X, then a 1X then a No X!

Let us support you on your journey.

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CHATTYMCPATTI 12/5/2010 10:44PM

    I totally feel your pain! I have stretched out my clothes so when I lose a little it seems as though I am ready to go down a size and then I try that size on only to find out that there is no way! It is very discouraging! Keep your chin up and keep working and it will get better!

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W8WHITTILER 12/5/2010 7:34PM

    Hang in there!
This is a tough journey, you are going to have to make a commitment though to getting things started once and for all..that is the only way we are going to do this..we have to commit to ourselves, pencil time in for ourselves..afterall we are just as important as those parties, Dr. appts., shopping, whatever..
You can break it down into 3 different times..do 3 10 minute workouts a day..take small walks at break..get up and do some squats, calf raises while washing your hands in the restroom..find little ways to squeeze it in..and the most important thing, write it all down!!
You can do this..I believe in you!

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CXNLITTLE 12/5/2010 2:29PM

    Hang in there, you can do it!

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1ROCKYMAMA 12/5/2010 9:41AM


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RONIREDD 12/5/2010 7:19AM

    I so know what you mean! Hang in there!

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WORKINGITIN 12/5/2010 2:04AM

    emoticon emoticon
Purged my closet in January to only have 2 sizes. Some months I regret it, was especially hard in April 2010. I now don't have any long sleeve shirts for work or play. Keep the faith.

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MOMFAN 12/4/2010 10:40PM

    I am there too, I packed up the too small clothes. I want back in them!

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MJHAINLINE_1 12/4/2010 10:17PM

    I know what it feels like not to be able to wear the clothes you think you should be wearing, but hang in there and it will happen. Maybe this is the movitation you need to do what you need to do to achieve the healthier lifestyle you want. emoticon

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KATIBUG49 12/4/2010 10:13PM

    I'm there with you, we need to work on staying positive & never give up. I know you can do it & I know it is hard. I have been on & off of diets my whole life & have a closet full of different sizes & I refuse to buy anymore that are in the bigger size. With the support of sites like this we can all make it happen. Good luck with tomorrow, you can do it!

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26M8J7 12/4/2010 10:10PM

    It sounds like you have had a busy day and thats a good thing. Even though you have not set aside time for structured exercising today you have still been active. That is great. It sounds like you are more determined than ever to be able to fit into your clothes and you will. It might not happen over night but with one step at a time we will reach our goals. One day at a time and one step at a time; we will get it done together.
Barbara emoticon emoticon

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