Friday, January 07, 2011
ugh, i feel like crud. all year i've been eating real well. gave up junk food, have had very little sugar, caffeine, etc. i've been feeling great! well, last night i went to mexican. i tried ordering something that seemed healthy. but it was greasy! and it had onions! i hate raw onions! i'm eating it and just feeling icky. i didn't finish it and gave the leftovers to dh for lunch today. seems kind of mean to give him something so awful, but he liked his, so i figure it was just me not caring for the meal.
anyway, today i feel gross. i woke up and was getting ready for the shower and just felt low on energy and gross. i had to remind myself repeatedly that i didn't drink any alcohol yesterday (yay!) and this feeling was due to the food. i also have a headache. i have been having neck issues for about a week now so i've been getting off-and-on headaches. it felt better wednesday, but i must have slept wrong last night cause i woke up about 1:30 with a headache and just kept pushing snooze and trying to get comfy til i gave up at 5. i'm sure i would feel better right now if i had worked out, but 4 am did not sound fun this morning when i was just miserable!
i know my headache is due to my neck. i can feel the stiffness. but part of me thinks it's also from the food. i need a new bed and i would love to finally find a great pillow. i don't know that i've ever had a pillow that actually works for me. i was suggested a sabakawa, or whatever, so i may look into that.
as for this gawd awful feeling, i think i may just give up restaurant food entirely. this feeling is not worth the overpriced, high calorie and fat count meal.
Thursday, January 06, 2011
i haven't blogged in awhile, mostly cause i don't have much to blog about. but i thought i should so you all know i'm still alive and kicking.
my goals for 2011 are going pretty well so far. i gave up junk food which includes anything fried, fast food, candy, baked goods that aren't homemade and soda. the list keeps going on a day to day basis. it's quite an adventure that has been pretty easy so far.
my goal is to lose 2 lbs a week.
i gained 1.5 lbs over the holidays.
i'm only drinking on friday and saturday's. i'm going to focus on a 2 drink limit, this is tough for me cause i'm a social drinker. i get to talking and drinking and eating...it's just a roller coaster of a mess. i must focus! the fri and sat limit is due to the fact that if there is alcohol at home i'll drink it. i figure if i can tell myself to hold off til friday and i'll be able to earn a reward. of two drinks! that's probably gonna be the hardest part, until summer. what's better than unwinding on the back deck after a long day with an ice cold beer. ah, summer i so miss you.
i've been feeling pretty good the last few days. i have been having some cravings due to the lack of sugar and soda. i have rewarded myself with one christmas cookie per day for my achievments. they are all homemade and help to ward off the cravings. i do have a large bag of christmas candy waiting to be eaten. the last thing i want to do is start craving sugar or chocolate so badly that i eat a big handful of candy. i'm proud of myself for being so good, even with that bag of sour cream cheddar lays in the pantry. my husband doesn't know it yet, but he's being weened off junkfood. lol!
i have felt pretty positive about myself and life in general all week. it's a great feeling, not sure why or how it came to be, but i'm liking it! i've only worked out once this year, a hour yesterday, but i realized yesterday that i'm not beating myself up over it. usually when i don't workout or sleep through my workout time i beat myself up and say i suck and i'll be fat forever. right now i'm in a "it'll come, don't push it" state of mind. which is awesome! my workout yesterday wasn't painful, as in i didn't force myself to do it therefore it was misery, and i felt really good the whole time. i think things may be clicking!
i'm out of food due to the holidays, eating leftovers forever and lack of money. but i've still eaten 3 healthy meals a day and have actually made myself dig through the freezer and be creative! i'm going shopping for a few things saturday then it'll be payday and i can actually stock up on healthy stuff to get me through.
my birthday is the next hurdle. i still have a couple weeks to plan. last year was a mess! i got so stressed and depressed over turning 30, plus the gloomy weather i just lost my motivation and gave up before valentines day. this year i'm prepared, i'm feeling good and i'll just keep swimming! and i won't drink too much!
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
thought of a couple short term goals i can focus on. long enough away i won't stress and soon enough that i won't forget about them.
sept 2011: 10th wedding anniversary. i'd like to somewhat resemble the woman my hubby married all those years ago.
jan 2012: driver's license renewal. maybe, for once, i won't lie about my weight!
Monday, December 13, 2010
Iíve recently been thinking about who I used to be. Trying to find myself and figure out where I lost myself. Iíve never been confident about my body, I was blessed with wide hips when puberty hit so I thought I was fat. I didnít have the slim hips and thighs of other girls my age, so that meant I was fat. My sudden curves and shapely figure led to stretch marks on my hips. This confirmed that I was fat and led to a life of swimsuit cover ups and insecurity. Yes, I was in the healthy weight range for my size and age, but I was bigger, taller, heavier, etc. than the pretty girls. I wanted to be them, I was never able to shrink my hips down to be as narrow as theirs. Course, if I could have the body I had then right now I would appreciate it! I really wish I could have appreciated it then and not beat myself up everyday about how fat I was, cause I wasnít. I look at pictures from jr. high and high school and realize I saw myself in such a messed up way. I was pretty, I was thin, I was healthy.
Even with all that insecurity and self loathing I had amazing outward confidence. I could talk to boys, flirt and just be friends with them. If I had a crush on a boy, even if I didnít stand a chance, he was going to know I was alive. I asked 3 boys to junior prom, knowing full well 2 of the 3 where going to say no. I didnít want to live with the regret and Ďwhat if?í if I didnít ask. The 3rd did say yes, but ended up grounded that night so a bunch of us hung out at his house and had shaving cream fights. My bff and I were unstoppable. No one dared challenge us with anything cause they knew weíd do it. We were the life of the party and had fun, no matter what. My biggest fear was having a regret.
Where did this person go? I went from being the life of the party to being a wallflower. Unless alcohol is involved, of course. Why canít I have at least outward confidence? When did I let my inner securities take over my life?
I realize I canít have the same life I had 15 years ago. Iím married, I donít flirt and have crushes. But arenít I still that fun, life loving person? Arenít I still fun to hang around with? Who am I?
Thursday, December 09, 2010
This year, to add to my many goals, Iím going to find myself. I am sick of being the person I am. Iíve been living in this stupor for the last 5 years or so. I need to be done with this. I donít recognize myself anymore and I sure as hell donít like myself.
Iím trying to figure out when and where things went wrong. Where I lost control, when I lost myself. I started gaining weight in 2005. So was it then? Thinking back to 2005 I can remember some things that would set off this weight gain rollercoaster. I was done with school, but couldnít find a job or a job I could afford to take. So I stayed with what I was doing, which was retail and retail is not a healthy job to have, aside from being on your feet all day. I had access to vending machines, I worked in the mall with the food court, plus all my co-workers were guys. Their daily trips to the food court usually sounded more appealing than whatever I had brought to eat that day.
I hated the job and that lead me to emotional eating. I ate cause I was bored, I ate cause I didnít want to go to work, I ate cause there was a vending machine while I was bored and not wanting to be working. I was never an emotional eater, aside from eating when I was bored. I was more of a too-depressed-to-eat sort of person. Suddenly food helped me feel better about everything. Took me three years to find a job where I could make more money, unfortunately itís also a sit down job. So that added a few more lbs, but at least the atmosphere was healthier.
I almost reached my goal weight of 145 in 2005. I was at 149, and then just started to climb up the scale again. I was at 175 when I started that weight loss journey. Monday the scale informed me Iím 241. Talk about gaining it all back and then some! I found out from this journey of loss and gain that I have a fear of success.
This is an issue Iíve been working with. Every time I set a goal I can hear a small voice in the back of my mind telling me itís not gonna happen and what if it happens. What I need to do is prove that voice wrong. Eventually Iíll do that!
Also in 2005 I lost some friends, for both personal and geographical reasons. Iíve felt pretty alone since then. Which made me turn to alcohol and food even more. I have friends, but most of them are friends of friends.. A lot are my husbandís friends and some are my sister-in-lawís friends that weíve just kind of joined in her group of friends. They are all great people, but I donít feel close enough to any of them to just call them up to chat or meet for coffee. I have three close friends that I remind myself of all the time. But when I have to remind myself I then remember that only 1 of them is a close friend. Sheís the only person Iíd ever call and ask if she wanted to hang out, one-on-one. Everyone else is a group gathering. Which is fine! And fun! But when you need someone to talk to or just chill with itís tough to find someone & lonely.
I do often wonder if this lack of friends thing is something I feel because of how I feel about myself. I donít have any confidence in myself and I hate myself, so how could I expect someone else to like me and want to hang out with me?
I guess thatís enough rambling from me for one day. Thank you all for listening and I truly appreciate you all listening while I try to sort through all the issues in my head. I have a lot of things I need to figure out and a lot of questions I need answers to. So let the fun begin!
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