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finding myself part 1

Thursday, December 09, 2010

This year, to add to my many goals, Iím going to find myself. I am sick of being the person I am. Iíve been living in this stupor for the last 5 years or so. I need to be done with this. I donít recognize myself anymore and I sure as hell donít like myself.
Iím trying to figure out when and where things went wrong. Where I lost control, when I lost myself. I started gaining weight in 2005. So was it then? Thinking back to 2005 I can remember some things that would set off this weight gain rollercoaster. I was done with school, but couldnít find a job or a job I could afford to take. So I stayed with what I was doing, which was retail and retail is not a healthy job to have, aside from being on your feet all day. I had access to vending machines, I worked in the mall with the food court, plus all my co-workers were guys. Their daily trips to the food court usually sounded more appealing than whatever I had brought to eat that day.
I hated the job and that lead me to emotional eating. I ate cause I was bored, I ate cause I didnít want to go to work, I ate cause there was a vending machine while I was bored and not wanting to be working. I was never an emotional eater, aside from eating when I was bored. I was more of a too-depressed-to-eat sort of person. Suddenly food helped me feel better about everything. Took me three years to find a job where I could make more money, unfortunately itís also a sit down job. So that added a few more lbs, but at least the atmosphere was healthier.
I almost reached my goal weight of 145 in 2005. I was at 149, and then just started to climb up the scale again. I was at 175 when I started that weight loss journey. Monday the scale informed me Iím 241. Talk about gaining it all back and then some! I found out from this journey of loss and gain that I have a fear of success.
This is an issue Iíve been working with. Every time I set a goal I can hear a small voice in the back of my mind telling me itís not gonna happen and what if it happens. What I need to do is prove that voice wrong. Eventually Iíll do that!
Also in 2005 I lost some friends, for both personal and geographical reasons. Iíve felt pretty alone since then. Which made me turn to alcohol and food even more. I have friends, but most of them are friends of friends.. A lot are my husbandís friends and some are my sister-in-lawís friends that weíve just kind of joined in her group of friends. They are all great people, but I donít feel close enough to any of them to just call them up to chat or meet for coffee. I have three close friends that I remind myself of all the time. But when I have to remind myself I then remember that only 1 of them is a close friend. Sheís the only person Iíd ever call and ask if she wanted to hang out, one-on-one. Everyone else is a group gathering. Which is fine! And fun! But when you need someone to talk to or just chill with itís tough to find someone & lonely.
I do often wonder if this lack of friends thing is something I feel because of how I feel about myself. I donít have any confidence in myself and I hate myself, so how could I expect someone else to like me and want to hang out with me?
I guess thatís enough rambling from me for one day. Thank you all for listening and I truly appreciate you all listening while I try to sort through all the issues in my head. I have a lot of things I need to figure out and a lot of questions I need answers to. So let the fun begin!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ROSH64 12/14/2010 4:22PM

  Write on, a journal is a great way to discover things.

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W8WHITTILER 12/13/2010 9:02PM

    Soul searching is a great exercise, it allows us to find out where we started getting where we are today.
It will take some time, but as you progress, be sure to let yourself, your true self come out with it, then the happiness will follow and the everything else you dream of will happen as well!

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MOMFAN 12/10/2010 2:33AM

    I think I could have written your blog several years ago! You can do this! Start with small goals you can succeed at and celebrate them! Success brings success!

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SHAN2SHAGG 12/9/2010 6:24PM

    I am glad you are recognizing all of it. It helps to write it all down. Once you are in a rut, it is hard to get out of. I know I had too long of a break from exercising and mentally as well as physically I was not feeling well because of it. I also get the friends thing. with having kids, I need a break and want to just hang out or talk some times. But it is hard to get anyone on the phone to talk to, or listen and sometimes it is hard being the one making the phone call. feel free to call me, I can support you, encourage you and be there for you. we are all in this together. I know you can do it! you are strong, you are beautiful, you are powerful. whatever you put your mind and heart into you can do it. find something new and fun to do. new workout, new shoes. find something that will excite you and get you back on track! Shan emoticon

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RAVENSONG37 12/9/2010 5:28PM

    You sound a lot like me. So many things in common. Keep working...you WILL get where you want to be!!

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so i bought a shake weight...

Monday, December 06, 2010

dh and i think these things are hilarious! watching the commercial makes me giggle. i mean, you can chat with your friends and tone your arms at the same time! i'm in no way a believer of informecial gadgets and their wonderous ways, but we actually thought this one would be fun. well, i was at the store yesterday and found one for sale! so i bought it and took it home for dh to play with. it sucks! the commercial makes it look like it shakes back and forth with ease. not at all. i couldn't get it to shake at all. mostly i was just throwing my arm around waiting for something to happen. we packaged it back up 5 minutes later. now i have to take it back! i bought it as a joke, but now i have to go back to the store and say it doesn't work. the person is going to look at me like i'm crazy and think, no kidding! it says 'as seen on tv!'.

so if your thinking of getting one of these, don't. you're better off shaking a free weight.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MUSCLEADDICT32 12/9/2010 5:11PM

    I was just gonna add but Fiery already did..the South Park episode about this was fricking hilarious!!! Watch it if you haven't yet! emoticon

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ISLANDBETH 12/7/2010 4:38PM

    So funny! I was in the DMV the first time I saw one of those commercials. I live on an island and the local culture is pretty conservative. So, I am sitting there and the commercial comes on, no sound, and after about 30 seconds, I start snickering... then the old man next to me starts laughing and next thing you know, ten people waiting around for their license plates are crying over this stupid shake weight commercial. Love it! emoticon

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MOMFAN 12/7/2010 12:00AM

    Glad you can at least take it back!

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CXNLITTLE 12/6/2010 11:56PM

    Thanks for the tip!

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WORKINGITIN 12/6/2010 9:54PM

    Thanks for testing it for us and reporting it sux.


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VEGASLADY24 12/6/2010 5:13PM

    I guess the first thing we should look at when we see those infomercials is "who is using the product". They sure don't look like they need to tone up or lose weight do they? emoticon I did pick one up at the store once but it didn't move as easy as they showed on tv and I just put it back. Thanks for the confirming I did the right thing.

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JASI27 12/6/2010 3:00PM

    I am a sucker for weight loss gadgets too Karry! I bought one of those sliding thingys and then I actually saw them using it on Biggest Loser and almost died!! I wondered if mine was still up in the attic. You know those things that you put the cloth on over your shoes and slide back and forth on the mat??? Gosh I wish I could remember what it was called! LOL

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SPLASHDOG1 12/6/2010 1:59PM

    Oh that's too bad, it did sound fun! Well, you had to try right?! I enjoy trying to change things up so I don't get bored. Sometimes it works, sometimes not. Better luck next time!

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MENHALLS 12/6/2010 1:43PM

    Always good to know about annoying products that don't deliver!

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EVRLNGFOO 12/6/2010 1:14PM

    haha, we ended up with a thigh master somehow when i was younger. those things are hilarious! you can even use them on a plane!
if you hubby is like mine it's cause he actually wants to play with it!
i read a bunch of reviews on it and 98% were positive, though not all were believeable. like one that said she noticed definition after the second workout. lol! there were a few of the negative reviews that mentioned pain caused by the weight and one guy even had to go to the chiropractor! yesterday afternoon my arm hurt and i even felt like i had pulled a muscle in my back. i couldn't figure out what would have caused this sudden pain, now i know! jeez! i didn't even use it! i attempted to.

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FIERYSPARKED 12/6/2010 1:13PM

    Do any of you watch South Park? They totally made fun of this gadget.

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KARRYB1 12/6/2010 12:12PM

    I saw a Review of it on The Rachael Ray Show and they laughed at it and said it wasn't much of a workout.
Live and learn. emoticon I've always been a sucker for weight loss gadgets. I even bought a Suzanne Sommers Thigh master.

Comment edited on: 12/6/2010 12:14:46 PM

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MANDERSON19 12/6/2010 11:57AM

    That's so funny. My husband keeps telling me he's going to get me one. I have no idea why he thinks I need one, but I'll be glad to pass this info on to him! HA!

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wake up call

Saturday, December 04, 2010

i have no clothes that fit. i have clothes that will fit me when i get smaller, but for now i have a very limited wardrobe. i refuse to buy big clothes and it tears me up when i try on a 3x and it still doesn't fit. this morning i had to buy a pair of jeans. i bought a pair about a month ago and was hoping to get into a smaller size. no such luck, so i just grabbed the size i needed off the shelf. i put them on this evening and omg! they don't fit! they are too small. i mean, i can zip and button, but they are tight. i realize my older pairs and just "adjusted" to fit me. i soooooo do not want to have to buy the next size up next time i need new jeans. this is so motivating to get my butt moving and workout! '

my goal was to work out today, that hasn't happened. and won't. i've been so busy and i slept in later than i intended. i've been running around all day and now have to go to a birthday party. so i'm hoping tomorrow will be a good workout day for me. i'm the dd tonight, so no idea what time i'll be home and in bed tonight. but i do want to be able to get up and workout tomorrow. i obviously need it!

i hate how i look in everything and i just can't keep living the life i'm in and being the person i am. 2011 is all about turning that around and striving to be a better me. i need to start now, today. even though i don't have time to workout today, i can make smart choices at this party. i can stay in control of my decisions. and i will!

and i really need to work on sparking on the weekends. i've been intending to come in here all day and the 15 minutes i have while waiting for friends to show up so we can leave is when i am finally able to sit down and spark.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MENHALLS 12/6/2010 1:46PM

    Deep breaths! Don't stress - just get moving. I can't wait for the day you post about fitting a 2X, then a 1X then a No X!

Let us support you on your journey.

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CHATTYMCPATTI 12/5/2010 10:44PM

    I totally feel your pain! I have stretched out my clothes so when I lose a little it seems as though I am ready to go down a size and then I try that size on only to find out that there is no way! It is very discouraging! Keep your chin up and keep working and it will get better!

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W8WHITTILER 12/5/2010 7:34PM

    Hang in there!
This is a tough journey, you are going to have to make a commitment though to getting things started once and for all..that is the only way we are going to do this..we have to commit to ourselves, pencil time in for ourselves..afterall we are just as important as those parties, Dr. appts., shopping, whatever..
You can break it down into 3 different times..do 3 10 minute workouts a day..take small walks at break..get up and do some squats, calf raises while washing your hands in the restroom..find little ways to squeeze it in..and the most important thing, write it all down!!
You can do this..I believe in you!

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CXNLITTLE 12/5/2010 2:29PM

    Hang in there, you can do it!

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1ROCKYMAMA 12/5/2010 9:41AM


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RONIREDD 12/5/2010 7:19AM

    I so know what you mean! Hang in there!

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WORKINGITIN 12/5/2010 2:04AM

    emoticon emoticon
Purged my closet in January to only have 2 sizes. Some months I regret it, was especially hard in April 2010. I now don't have any long sleeve shirts for work or play. Keep the faith.

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MOMFAN 12/4/2010 10:40PM

    I am there too, I packed up the too small clothes. I want back in them!

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MJHAINLINE_1 12/4/2010 10:17PM

    I know what it feels like not to be able to wear the clothes you think you should be wearing, but hang in there and it will happen. Maybe this is the movitation you need to do what you need to do to achieve the healthier lifestyle you want. emoticon

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KATIBUG49 12/4/2010 10:13PM

    I'm there with you, we need to work on staying positive & never give up. I know you can do it & I know it is hard. I have been on & off of diets my whole life & have a closet full of different sizes & I refuse to buy anymore that are in the bigger size. With the support of sites like this we can all make it happen. Good luck with tomorrow, you can do it!

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26M8J7 12/4/2010 10:10PM

    It sounds like you have had a busy day and thats a good thing. Even though you have not set aside time for structured exercising today you have still been active. That is great. It sounds like you are more determined than ever to be able to fit into your clothes and you will. It might not happen over night but with one step at a time we will reach our goals. One day at a time and one step at a time; we will get it done together.
Barbara emoticon emoticon

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December goals

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

wow, 2010 is almost over! i have to say i'm relieved. i had so many high hopes for 2010 and i have been very, very disapointed. i'm hoping 2011 will be better. i have a lot of goals to accomplish and i'm itching to get started. but december is such a crazy month! so i'm gonna try to keep it simple:

1. work out!

2. eat well when i can and really pay attention to what i'm eating when i'm not able to have complete control. make smart choices.

3. i have about 850 points to go to get my next trophy. i'm gonna do that in december! this may seem like a silly goal, but really it's intended to keep me active and paying attention to spark people while i'm busy and trying to be lazy over the month.

so pretty easy month. getting ready for next year while i still can. maybe i can finally get the scale to reverse the direction it's been heading the past couple months.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DONNA_VT 12/2/2010 10:25PM

    I liked being focused on the next trophy . . .it help me think about the program and all aspects of it. Sounds like you have a good plan for December.

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FIERYSPARKED 12/1/2010 4:43PM

    You can do it! Just stay focused and determined and you will make it happen!

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SQUINKLY 12/1/2010 2:32PM

    Wonderful goals! Keep focused, you can do it!

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MAGA99 12/1/2010 9:40AM

    sounds like a good plan

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LISSA-CRAVES 12/1/2010 8:56AM

    Great Goals to close out the year!! emoticon

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CXNLITTLE 12/1/2010 2:59AM

    Good goals! Good luck! emoticon

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MOMFAN 12/1/2010 2:28AM


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goals for 2011

Friday, November 19, 2010

i know this is early, but i have time to prepare.

*give up junk food. this includes fast food, candy, fried food, soda, convience-type stuff, and i'm sure the list will grow on a daily basis. i will allow myself "days off" on holidays and birthdays. this will just allow me to handle the tempations that may arise.

*lose 80 lbs. now i know this is tough and not advisable. first i'd have to lose 9 lbs by the end of this year. in order to accomplish this i'd have to lose 1.5 lbs every week next year. doable. especially if i'm not eating junk food.

*pay off debt. this is going to be tough. i will be broke. but if i stick with my plan i'll have a huge chunk paid off in a year. the the rest will be cake. then in a year dh and i can start the life we've been wanting for so long. we'll be able to have children, buy the new car we so desperately need. plus if i accomplish a good chunk of the 80 lbs i'll be ready to live out a long, healthy life with the energy i need and the lack of stress i desire. plus i can stop being ashamed of myself and my life.

*get a new job. i work in a toxic work environment. it's not helping me out in any way at all. must get away from here!

* focus on me!

it's gonna be a tough year. i know with a lot of work and i lot of focus i can succees and be proud of myself.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WORKINGITIN 11/21/2010 6:41PM

    We have sort of have 2 goals in common. Let's try to work together on both. If your game, let me know.
1. Get a new job. My job is also toxic. This is the reason I joined the Spark. I needed to feel better about myself since it's so BAD at my job.
2. I look for ways to save cash so we can support 2 household. My youngest daughter's is in her 5th and final year of college and the costs are HIGH since she doesn't have roommates anymore. So far I get my books from the library, movies from NetFlix, eat out with coupons only, look at internet for e-coupons when needing to gift anyone, and don't browse stores to resist the temptation of sales.


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CXNLITTLE 11/19/2010 7:06PM

    Good Luck! I know you can do it! I look forward to hearing about your progress!

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CONTENTANDFIT 11/19/2010 6:08PM

    Good luck with that. I bet Spark People can help with all of them.

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MICHCLEARY 11/19/2010 6:00PM

    Wow...great job planning in advance!

I wish you great success! Keep us posted on how you do.

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MOMFAN 11/19/2010 3:49PM


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DONNA_VT 11/19/2010 3:04PM

    Sounds like you have thought about this a lot. It is never too early to have goals. Good Luck on yours . . . I'll be watching to see how you do and to lend support if you need it.

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GOAL_WORTHY 11/19/2010 2:37PM

    Good luck with your goals. We can do it if we help each other. I know the challenges help me. I gained 20 lbs from last Spring and I too have set a high goal of 2 lbs a week. I just hope the snow and holiday temptations aren't too hard for me!

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CIVIAV 11/19/2010 12:39PM

    I am inspired to set goals for myself. Thanks so much for posting this out where we all can benefit!

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