Thursday, December 09, 2010
This year, to add to my many goals, Iím going to find myself. I am sick of being the person I am. Iíve been living in this stupor for the last 5 years or so. I need to be done with this. I donít recognize myself anymore and I sure as hell donít like myself.
Iím trying to figure out when and where things went wrong. Where I lost control, when I lost myself. I started gaining weight in 2005. So was it then? Thinking back to 2005 I can remember some things that would set off this weight gain rollercoaster. I was done with school, but couldnít find a job or a job I could afford to take. So I stayed with what I was doing, which was retail and retail is not a healthy job to have, aside from being on your feet all day. I had access to vending machines, I worked in the mall with the food court, plus all my co-workers were guys. Their daily trips to the food court usually sounded more appealing than whatever I had brought to eat that day.
I hated the job and that lead me to emotional eating. I ate cause I was bored, I ate cause I didnít want to go to work, I ate cause there was a vending machine while I was bored and not wanting to be working. I was never an emotional eater, aside from eating when I was bored. I was more of a too-depressed-to-eat sort of person. Suddenly food helped me feel better about everything. Took me three years to find a job where I could make more money, unfortunately itís also a sit down job. So that added a few more lbs, but at least the atmosphere was healthier.
I almost reached my goal weight of 145 in 2005. I was at 149, and then just started to climb up the scale again. I was at 175 when I started that weight loss journey. Monday the scale informed me Iím 241. Talk about gaining it all back and then some! I found out from this journey of loss and gain that I have a fear of success.
This is an issue Iíve been working with. Every time I set a goal I can hear a small voice in the back of my mind telling me itís not gonna happen and what if it happens. What I need to do is prove that voice wrong. Eventually Iíll do that!
Also in 2005 I lost some friends, for both personal and geographical reasons. Iíve felt pretty alone since then. Which made me turn to alcohol and food even more. I have friends, but most of them are friends of friends.. A lot are my husbandís friends and some are my sister-in-lawís friends that weíve just kind of joined in her group of friends. They are all great people, but I donít feel close enough to any of them to just call them up to chat or meet for coffee. I have three close friends that I remind myself of all the time. But when I have to remind myself I then remember that only 1 of them is a close friend. Sheís the only person Iíd ever call and ask if she wanted to hang out, one-on-one. Everyone else is a group gathering. Which is fine! And fun! But when you need someone to talk to or just chill with itís tough to find someone & lonely.
I do often wonder if this lack of friends thing is something I feel because of how I feel about myself. I donít have any confidence in myself and I hate myself, so how could I expect someone else to like me and want to hang out with me?
I guess thatís enough rambling from me for one day. Thank you all for listening and I truly appreciate you all listening while I try to sort through all the issues in my head. I have a lot of things I need to figure out and a lot of questions I need answers to. So let the fun begin!
Monday, December 06, 2010
dh and i think these things are hilarious! watching the commercial makes me giggle. i mean, you can chat with your friends and tone your arms at the same time! i'm in no way a believer of informecial gadgets and their wonderous ways, but we actually thought this one would be fun. well, i was at the store yesterday and found one for sale! so i bought it and took it home for dh to play with. it sucks! the commercial makes it look like it shakes back and forth with ease. not at all. i couldn't get it to shake at all. mostly i was just throwing my arm around waiting for something to happen. we packaged it back up 5 minutes later. now i have to take it back! i bought it as a joke, but now i have to go back to the store and say it doesn't work. the person is going to look at me like i'm crazy and think, no kidding! it says 'as seen on tv!'.
so if your thinking of getting one of these, don't. you're better off shaking a free weight.
Saturday, December 04, 2010
i have no clothes that fit. i have clothes that will fit me when i get smaller, but for now i have a very limited wardrobe. i refuse to buy big clothes and it tears me up when i try on a 3x and it still doesn't fit. this morning i had to buy a pair of jeans. i bought a pair about a month ago and was hoping to get into a smaller size. no such luck, so i just grabbed the size i needed off the shelf. i put them on this evening and omg! they don't fit! they are too small. i mean, i can zip and button, but they are tight. i realize my older pairs and just "adjusted" to fit me. i soooooo do not want to have to buy the next size up next time i need new jeans. this is so motivating to get my butt moving and workout! '
my goal was to work out today, that hasn't happened. and won't. i've been so busy and i slept in later than i intended. i've been running around all day and now have to go to a birthday party. so i'm hoping tomorrow will be a good workout day for me. i'm the dd tonight, so no idea what time i'll be home and in bed tonight. but i do want to be able to get up and workout tomorrow. i obviously need it!
i hate how i look in everything and i just can't keep living the life i'm in and being the person i am. 2011 is all about turning that around and striving to be a better me. i need to start now, today. even though i don't have time to workout today, i can make smart choices at this party. i can stay in control of my decisions. and i will!
and i really need to work on sparking on the weekends. i've been intending to come in here all day and the 15 minutes i have while waiting for friends to show up so we can leave is when i am finally able to sit down and spark.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
wow, 2010 is almost over! i have to say i'm relieved. i had so many high hopes for 2010 and i have been very, very disapointed. i'm hoping 2011 will be better. i have a lot of goals to accomplish and i'm itching to get started. but december is such a crazy month! so i'm gonna try to keep it simple:
1. work out!
2. eat well when i can and really pay attention to what i'm eating when i'm not able to have complete control. make smart choices.
3. i have about 850 points to go to get my next trophy. i'm gonna do that in december! this may seem like a silly goal, but really it's intended to keep me active and paying attention to spark people while i'm busy and trying to be lazy over the month.
so pretty easy month. getting ready for next year while i still can. maybe i can finally get the scale to reverse the direction it's been heading the past couple months.
Friday, November 19, 2010
i know this is early, but i have time to prepare.
*give up junk food. this includes fast food, candy, fried food, soda, convience-type stuff, and i'm sure the list will grow on a daily basis. i will allow myself "days off" on holidays and birthdays. this will just allow me to handle the tempations that may arise.
*lose 80 lbs. now i know this is tough and not advisable. first i'd have to lose 9 lbs by the end of this year. in order to accomplish this i'd have to lose 1.5 lbs every week next year. doable. especially if i'm not eating junk food.
*pay off debt. this is going to be tough. i will be broke. but if i stick with my plan i'll have a huge chunk paid off in a year. the the rest will be cake. then in a year dh and i can start the life we've been wanting for so long. we'll be able to have children, buy the new car we so desperately need. plus if i accomplish a good chunk of the 80 lbs i'll be ready to live out a long, healthy life with the energy i need and the lack of stress i desire. plus i can stop being ashamed of myself and my life.
*get a new job. i work in a toxic work environment. it's not helping me out in any way at all. must get away from here!
* focus on me!
it's gonna be a tough year. i know with a lot of work and i lot of focus i can succees and be proud of myself.
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