Monday, September 13, 2010
what do i do when i'm stressed, annoyed with myself, frustrated with the scale? drink..
got home from work and decided whiskey and coke were a good idea. then i tried to find someone to go out with to dinner or just drinks. no luck. so i started drinking beer. ugh! this is not good!
now i'm lonely and bored watching the young and the restless on soap network. sigh.
i'll finish this beer and then i'm done so i can be in some sort of condition to work out tomorrow. that's my goal for the day, workout in the morning!
i won't let you (the you who are reading this) down, or myself. i'll blog tomorrow whether or not this goal was successful.
Friday, September 03, 2010
3 days in and i'm still going. but i'm not going anywhere. *sigh* i know change isn't going to happen over night. i'm still busy with summer stuff, so it's been difficult to focus on myself. my morning schedule is all screwed up due to dh's overtime work schedule. can't complain about extra money though! i'm hoping to chill out this weekend, regain focus, get a tentative menu made up for the month and get a shopping list ready. that's one of my biggest problems right now, not having the most healthy food in my home.
i'm rereading the spark to get motivated and all sparked up for this month. i know i lack focus, so that's my first challenge. gain focus! i'm going to make a list of goals and what i want out of life tonight. one of my problems is i already feel it's too late in life to make changes, so i just keep watching life pass me by. gotta stop that!
i'm waiting on payday to get food and i have a couple holiday things planned for the weekend, but what i do have complete control over is working out and water intake. those will be my weekend goals: get in 3 good workouts and a min of 64 oz of water daily.
there must be some sort of weird hormone thing in me that triggers this desire to lose weight and get in shape right before my period starts. partt of pms, maybe? i'm always like, this is the week! step on the scale for a 2 lb gain and then try to fight sugar and greasy food cravings for 3 days. anyone else have this problem? at least i know i'll have a 2 lbs loss on monday. doesn't really count though.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
i went on vacation in the middle of august. didn't go anywhere, just did stuff around the house and relaxed. since i've returned from vacation i've been a mess. i haven't worked out, i haven't eaten real well and i've been drinking a lot of beer. not to the point of getting drunk or anything, just consuming a lot of unnecessary calories. i know it's stress from summer winding down, but i feel out of control.
summer is always a whirlwind of stuff to do. i want to say things will improve in sept, and i have very possitive feelings about sept, but i had to be realistic: i don't have a free weekend til oct 16! i have a wedding, a birthday party, two camping trips, oktoberfest, and my wedding anniversary to deal with between now and then.
i need to focus more on spark. i am going to make that my september goal. i need to focus on my eating, working out and water intake again. i got very sloppy over the summer. what can i say, i love summer! i hate winter! so i need to start now and get into a rhythm so i don't let this winter kill me like last winter did.
i wake up every morning with a horrible backache. i know this is caused by my awful bed and an accident when i was like 6, but most importantly, it is easily control with regular exercise. so why am i not exercising?
when i "grew" out of my clothes i refused to by more (aside from jeans, but even that's painful). so i wear my husbands t-shirts. i'm so sick of wearing his freaking clothes! even when i go out with friends that is what i wear. i have very few shirts of my own that fit, maybe 3. every morning i go into my closet and look for something to wear. i don't even go to my side anymore, i head to his. i looked through my side the other day hoping there was something i could use. no. it was so sad! most of what is in there isn't even stylish anymore, but it would be nice to wear something that's mine again.
i need to stop hiding in clothes and get myself to a mental place where i can try on clothes at the department store without crying and just give up on owning something nice to wear. that's my goal by the end of the year.
Monday, August 02, 2010
had to go to a wedding this saturday. i put on a dress and i hated myself. i loathed myself. i felt disgusting. i looked disgusting. i hated who i had become. i couldn't stand to be around me. i couldn't stand to look at myself.
and then i though, this has got to stop! i am not me! i need to be me again! i've never had the greatest self esteem, but i've never been so disgusted with myself. until the last few years. i can't stand to see myself naked, i can't stand for my husband to see me naked. i hate it! i hate not knowing who i am anymore.
with all that said i am finally going to do something about it. usually i think these things and after awhile i feel better til i have to wear a dress or even just dress nicely. or see a photo of myself. ick! but this time i'm going to fix it!
i lost over 10 lbs with spark people. then i got depressed (damn february and your gloomy skies!) and gained it all back, plus 1.5 lbs! eek! i'm at my heaviest ever right now. i hate myself and that needs to stop!
i haven't adjusted to being 30 very well and i need to get over that. i need to get my life in order and fix it to be the life i want to live. i was going to make 2010 an awesome year, but it's half over and i have accomplished nothing! i did get my out of control drinking habits under control, so that is good. though that was not one of my 2010 goals, that was a hazard of turning 30. so i screwed the year up, but it's not over, i still have time to make a difference!
come 2011 i don't want to look back on what could have been. i want to look back and see what i did succeed with over the year. starting today! i'm going to attempt to blog every day to keep me in line. wish me luck and, as always, i value your support!
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