James frey, you changed my life

Thursday, July 08, 2010

as you know i gave up alcohol for june. tough struggle, totally worth it! learned a lot about myself. now i'm working on a 2 drink minimum and so far it's going ok. one of the things i learned is i can't give up alcohol completely. maybe some day, just not yet, but i'm slowly working on it. i'm also working on the 'whys'.

anyway, coincidentally, during june i started reading "a million little pieces" by james frey. not sure how many of you have read or heard of this book. it's the book oprah slaughtered with her book club after it came out that not all events were true. not surprising to me while reading it. this guy was under the influence of drugs and alcohol for many, many years. i read the book more like it was a memoir rather than a true story.

what really got me was how he was so messed up, more messed up than i could ever imagine myself being. he refused to believe the 12 step or 10 step programs. he doesn't believe in God, so he didn't look to a higher power for help. he read the "tao te ching" and that helped enlighten him. he just worked through his demons and challenges and said he wasn't going to drink or do drugs again. that is a very quick summary of his struggles. the book got me to thinking though, if he can overcome everything he did, why can't i?

I've been using his technique to get me through and so far so good. now i'm hoping to evolve the method into working out and eating more healthy. basically you tell yourself you're going to do, or not do, something and you do, or don't do, it.

i strongly recommend this book and it's sequel "my friend leonard". they were both honest, painful and true depiction of what the human spirit can endure. while i'm at it, i read his novel "bright shiny morning" a couple years ago and it quickly became one of my favorite books.

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goodbye fast food, i don't even miss you!

Thursday, July 01, 2010

my big new year's resolution was to cut out fast food. so far i have been successful! i didn't think this was going to be as difficult as last year's goal of no soda (which i was also successful at), but did think it would give me some tough moments.

with soda the trouble was it was always accessible. i would just have to focus, use some creativity and look outside the box. fast food restraunts were the toughest. meals come with a drink, not all restraunts offer non-soda varieties in their fountain options. but i got through it, just as i knew i could get through the fast food temptations.

i didn't eat out a lot growning up. i worked at taco bell in high school and that's when i started eating fast food. i can count on my hands how many times my parents took us to mcdonald's growing up. for awhile my consumption was practically daily. when i quit the bell i lost a lot of weigh real quick. scary. from this i limited my intake to a few times a month. plus after looking at that nastiness daily the last thing you want is to actually eat it.

my trips through the drive thru were steady, but mostly an act of laziness or late night munchies. i decided this year i would give it up completely. i worked fast food, i've read fast food nation, seen super size me, all that fun stuff! so i know, first hand, how awful the fast food industry is. there is stuff in the food that makes you addicted and crave it. i notice in myself that when i do eat fast food, i want more and more. this is not unusual, they hire scientists to put crap in there that causes this. my friend likes to say mcdonald's fries are breaded in crack. i'm sure that isn't far from the truth.

i'm not going to say i've become immune to the smell of a fast food restraunt when i drive by, or when i'm with people who are eating it. but i have become very strong to the desire to not eat it. when i gave up soda i noticed changes in my body, i haven't done this with fast food. i just didn't eat it often enough. i can imagine when i do finally eat something (after 2010 ends, of course) my insides will want to explode. i can still remember the feeling brought on by eating a greasy meal from jack in the box. i'm sure it will be worse since my body has rid itself of all the ickiness. that gives me some strength to not want it.

i know there will be some struggles in the next 6 months. i have given myself a subway option. traveling is a very difficult time to not eat fast food. so i will get myself to subway if there is no other option. i really don't see how subway is different than getting one of those premade sandwiches at a grocery store deli. at least at subway i can control what goes on it. also, where i live (eastern washington state) doesn't offer many non-fast food restraunts aside from places you sit and order. there aren't many deli's or quick places to grab a healthy option. so sad.

tune in 6 months from now to find out if i survived the summer and the holidays!

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super sizzling summer!

Friday, June 25, 2010

as i blogged earlier this week i'm going to make some goals to focus on this summer and really get my mind, body and spirit into shape. here are my goals (so far):

*go to bed by 10 everynight. now, i know this won't be possible everynight, but i can certainly work towards it when nothing major is going on.

*no soda

*alcohol only on friday or saturday. as many of you may know, i have some alcohol issues i'm working through right now. i'm hoping that giving myself one day a week will keep me in line so i won't cave to a six pack on tuesday night. i can do this!

*exercise is some way at least 20 minutes a day

*8 glass of water minimum.

*track food. I'm horrible at this!

every week i'm going to choose a goal to focus on. whether it's one i'm struggling with above or something entirely different. I need to focus on myself and i do believe summer will be a great time span to do this. i didn't choose a 'lose 10 lbs' type of goal because i just want to see where a healthy, in control lifestyle can lead me. i need to focus on myself as a whole instead of just the scale, or just the calories. it all needs to come together so i can get a handle on my out of control unhealthy lifestyle.

i psuedo started this yesterday and this weekend i'll kick it into high gear with the food tracking and working out.

in the spark it talks about setting short, mid and long term goals. fitting those three goals into this summer goes as follows:

short: i need to feel comfortable in a pair of shorts right now!

mid: hubbie's 30th birthday party is august 21 and i want to look freaking adorable in a cute sundress

long: sis in law's wedding is sept 17 (24?) and i have this adorable dress picked out. i want to wear it and i want to make a 'grand entrance' to family i haven't seen in a long time. not that i want to upstage the bride or anything! ;)

i'll be blogging about my success, failures, etc to keep me on track. i would love to hear some awesome sp feedback! you all are great and i love reading your words or wisdom and encouragement. thanks!

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already 6 months?!

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

well, it's almost july and i have come to the conclusion that my dreams, goals and ambitions for 2010 have fallen way, way short. i need to do something about this. i was inspired yesterday by a buffalo tom song and i have decided that i'm going to make this summer a fit and healthy one. my main focus will be me and my health. granted, this is going to be difficult and i'm going to have to remind myself everyday that i'm #1. not that hot dog at yet another bbq.
i realize it's the 3rd day of summer and time is already slipping by. i realize that my rib/back is still giving me fits every other day, but i'm going to figure some way around the pain and accomplish something! i'm going to come up with a game plan tonight and hopefully have some details to post for all of you in the next couple days.

here's to summer 2010!

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feeling hopelessly hopeless

Thursday, June 17, 2010

I've been mia and i'm really letting my teams down so i feel i should at least explain why i've disappeared the last week.

i've disapeared from the internet completely, so it's not just here (facebook, twitter, etc, also). i can't deal with hearing about everyone else's problems, successes, awesome life's, etc. so i've been avoiding everyone and everything and just trying to figure out my life.

i missed a day and a half of work last week. not by choice, my boss sent us home cause there wasn't enough money to cover payroll. so adding to my stress is a smaller paycheck and not knowing how often that is going to happen or when i'm going to be out of a job completely. i have about $70 to last me the next 2 weeks for groceries and everything else. i see a lot of mac and cheese and hot dogs in my future. and no "toy story 3"!

memorial day weekend i injured my ribs in a drunken dancing hoopla. they were getting so much better. barely any pain at all. then saturday i was driving and hurt them again. i don't have powersteering and i was trying to make a sharp turn into a parking stall. i tugged the wheel to the right (that's the injured side) and just felt this weird pop and had a dull pain in my ribs for a couple hours. then i had to help my husband lay sod in the backyard. lots of hard work there. i took some ibuprofen and felt better sunday. went out on the boat sunday and didn't feel too much pain. but omg, monday! i stretched or something at work and just pain! then tuesday i stretched across the car trying to get my dog and more pain. yesterday was ok. the more i move and have to lift stuff the worse they are. so no working out. i can't even take a walk around the neighborhood as i learned monday.

monday i stepped on the scale actually thinking i'd have a loss since the weigh in the week before had tom weight gain. no, i gained 1.5 lbs! putting me back at 230 where i swore i'd never be again! and putting me 2.5 lbs away from my starting weight from a year ago!

needless to say i'm very frustrated. i can't eat healthy and i can't work out. i feel like the biggest failure and i'm going to be fat forever. so, though i love to come to sparkpeople and read about everyone's awesome success stories and moments of acheivement and i love to give hope and advice when others struggle, i just haven't been able to deal with it when i'm standing in front of this HUGE brick wall.

hopefully i get past this feeling very quickly and in a couple weeks i will have a good pay check and be able to afford fruit and veggies again.

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