Monday, August 02, 2010
had to go to a wedding this saturday. i put on a dress and i hated myself. i loathed myself. i felt disgusting. i looked disgusting. i hated who i had become. i couldn't stand to be around me. i couldn't stand to look at myself.
and then i though, this has got to stop! i am not me! i need to be me again! i've never had the greatest self esteem, but i've never been so disgusted with myself. until the last few years. i can't stand to see myself naked, i can't stand for my husband to see me naked. i hate it! i hate not knowing who i am anymore.
with all that said i am finally going to do something about it. usually i think these things and after awhile i feel better til i have to wear a dress or even just dress nicely. or see a photo of myself. ick! but this time i'm going to fix it!
i lost over 10 lbs with spark people. then i got depressed (damn february and your gloomy skies!) and gained it all back, plus 1.5 lbs! eek! i'm at my heaviest ever right now. i hate myself and that needs to stop!
i haven't adjusted to being 30 very well and i need to get over that. i need to get my life in order and fix it to be the life i want to live. i was going to make 2010 an awesome year, but it's half over and i have accomplished nothing! i did get my out of control drinking habits under control, so that is good. though that was not one of my 2010 goals, that was a hazard of turning 30. so i screwed the year up, but it's not over, i still have time to make a difference!
come 2011 i don't want to look back on what could have been. i want to look back and see what i did succeed with over the year. starting today! i'm going to attempt to blog every day to keep me in line. wish me luck and, as always, i value your support!
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
yes, that was goal, singular. my goal for august is going to be cut out sugar. i think that will be tough enough that i will need to focus quite a bit on it.
i know i'm not alone in this goal. lots of people do it for many reasons. so does anyone have any advice, wisdom, books, articles, websites, etc they would like to share with me? i would greatly appreciate it!
i'm working on cutting out all sugar, artificial and real (but not fruits and foods that naturally have sugar). iced tea is gonna be a drag! lol!
Saturday, July 10, 2010
...i just have to keep reminding myself of this.
the daily spark blog was about comparing yourself to others. i'm very guilty of this. it's a very, very bad habit. just this evening i was at the grocery store and there was this girl there wearing really cute shorts. my first thought was, wow, those are so cute! my next thought was, why can't i be skinny enough to wear shorts like that? why isn't my tummy not flat enough to wear a tank top that bares some midrif? these thoughts are always followed by something like, cause i'm too fat. i must stop this!
when i look at other people's spark pages i see and read about how much they've lost in whatever amount of time. i think, i've been doing this that long, or longer, why can't i have those results?
when i see people on shows like the biggest loser, i see their weight and if it's close to mine i think, do i look like that? worse? better?
when i look at old pics of myself i think, what happened? how did i get here?
i'm contstantly comparing myself to others the same height, weight, age, etc. as me and i need to stop. i'm me, they are them. we aren't the same! our bodies, genetic makeup, metabolism are all different. the only thing i can change is the way i live and how i treat myself. when i compare myself and my acheivements to others i need to realize i can and will have those results and i can and will wear cute clothes. i just need to stay focused and keep up the fight. i used to be thin, i can be that way again. i know how i got where i am, i know what i need to do to change it. and i will!
i've been working out, tracking food and doing great all around for 3 days now. i can already feel a change in myself. i feel better, lighter, more confident and able to really make a change in myself. after 3 days! i don't want to lose this feeling and i'll do anything to keep it.
Thursday, July 08, 2010
as you know i gave up alcohol for june. tough struggle, totally worth it! learned a lot about myself. now i'm working on a 2 drink minimum and so far it's going ok. one of the things i learned is i can't give up alcohol completely. maybe some day, just not yet, but i'm slowly working on it. i'm also working on the 'whys'.
anyway, coincidentally, during june i started reading "a million little pieces" by james frey. not sure how many of you have read or heard of this book. it's the book oprah slaughtered with her book club after it came out that not all events were true. not surprising to me while reading it. this guy was under the influence of drugs and alcohol for many, many years. i read the book more like it was a memoir rather than a true story.
what really got me was how he was so messed up, more messed up than i could ever imagine myself being. he refused to believe the 12 step or 10 step programs. he doesn't believe in God, so he didn't look to a higher power for help. he read the "tao te ching" and that helped enlighten him. he just worked through his demons and challenges and said he wasn't going to drink or do drugs again. that is a very quick summary of his struggles. the book got me to thinking though, if he can overcome everything he did, why can't i?
I've been using his technique to get me through and so far so good. now i'm hoping to evolve the method into working out and eating more healthy. basically you tell yourself you're going to do, or not do, something and you do, or don't do, it.
i strongly recommend this book and it's sequel "my friend leonard". they were both honest, painful and true depiction of what the human spirit can endure. while i'm at it, i read his novel "bright shiny morning" a couple years ago and it quickly became one of my favorite books.
Thursday, July 01, 2010
my big new year's resolution was to cut out fast food. so far i have been successful! i didn't think this was going to be as difficult as last year's goal of no soda (which i was also successful at), but did think it would give me some tough moments.
with soda the trouble was it was always accessible. i would just have to focus, use some creativity and look outside the box. fast food restraunts were the toughest. meals come with a drink, not all restraunts offer non-soda varieties in their fountain options. but i got through it, just as i knew i could get through the fast food temptations.
i didn't eat out a lot growning up. i worked at taco bell in high school and that's when i started eating fast food. i can count on my hands how many times my parents took us to mcdonald's growing up. for awhile my consumption was practically daily. when i quit the bell i lost a lot of weigh real quick. scary. from this i limited my intake to a few times a month. plus after looking at that nastiness daily the last thing you want is to actually eat it.
my trips through the drive thru were steady, but mostly an act of laziness or late night munchies. i decided this year i would give it up completely. i worked fast food, i've read fast food nation, seen super size me, all that fun stuff! so i know, first hand, how awful the fast food industry is. there is stuff in the food that makes you addicted and crave it. i notice in myself that when i do eat fast food, i want more and more. this is not unusual, they hire scientists to put crap in there that causes this. my friend likes to say mcdonald's fries are breaded in crack. i'm sure that isn't far from the truth.
i'm not going to say i've become immune to the smell of a fast food restraunt when i drive by, or when i'm with people who are eating it. but i have become very strong to the desire to not eat it. when i gave up soda i noticed changes in my body, i haven't done this with fast food. i just didn't eat it often enough. i can imagine when i do finally eat something (after 2010 ends, of course) my insides will want to explode. i can still remember the feeling brought on by eating a greasy meal from jack in the box. i'm sure it will be worse since my body has rid itself of all the ickiness. that gives me some strength to not want it.
i know there will be some struggles in the next 6 months. i have given myself a subway option. traveling is a very difficult time to not eat fast food. so i will get myself to subway if there is no other option. i really don't see how subway is different than getting one of those premade sandwiches at a grocery store deli. at least at subway i can control what goes on it. also, where i live (eastern washington state) doesn't offer many non-fast food restraunts aside from places you sit and order. there aren't many deli's or quick places to grab a healthy option. so sad.
tune in 6 months from now to find out if i survived the summer and the holidays!
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