Thursday, June 17, 2010
I've been mia and i'm really letting my teams down so i feel i should at least explain why i've disappeared the last week.
i've disapeared from the internet completely, so it's not just here (facebook, twitter, etc, also). i can't deal with hearing about everyone else's problems, successes, awesome life's, etc. so i've been avoiding everyone and everything and just trying to figure out my life.
i missed a day and a half of work last week. not by choice, my boss sent us home cause there wasn't enough money to cover payroll. so adding to my stress is a smaller paycheck and not knowing how often that is going to happen or when i'm going to be out of a job completely. i have about $70 to last me the next 2 weeks for groceries and everything else. i see a lot of mac and cheese and hot dogs in my future. and no "toy story 3"!
memorial day weekend i injured my ribs in a drunken dancing hoopla. they were getting so much better. barely any pain at all. then saturday i was driving and hurt them again. i don't have powersteering and i was trying to make a sharp turn into a parking stall. i tugged the wheel to the right (that's the injured side) and just felt this weird pop and had a dull pain in my ribs for a couple hours. then i had to help my husband lay sod in the backyard. lots of hard work there. i took some ibuprofen and felt better sunday. went out on the boat sunday and didn't feel too much pain. but omg, monday! i stretched or something at work and just pain! then tuesday i stretched across the car trying to get my dog and more pain. yesterday was ok. the more i move and have to lift stuff the worse they are. so no working out. i can't even take a walk around the neighborhood as i learned monday.
monday i stepped on the scale actually thinking i'd have a loss since the weigh in the week before had tom weight gain. no, i gained 1.5 lbs! putting me back at 230 where i swore i'd never be again! and putting me 2.5 lbs away from my starting weight from a year ago!
needless to say i'm very frustrated. i can't eat healthy and i can't work out. i feel like the biggest failure and i'm going to be fat forever. so, though i love to come to sparkpeople and read about everyone's awesome success stories and moments of acheivement and i love to give hope and advice when others struggle, i just haven't been able to deal with it when i'm standing in front of this HUGE brick wall.
hopefully i get past this feeling very quickly and in a couple weeks i will have a good pay check and be able to afford fruit and veggies again.
Monday, June 07, 2010
an update: thursday night, walk night with the girls that ends in wine drinking, got cancelled. saved by the bell!
weekend camping trip that was going to be a challenge got rained out. saved by the rain!
bad news: i have this cold allergy thing going on. good news: drinking kills my allergies in a way that it's almost impossible to drink any alcohol at all. and i am well aware of the fact that alcohol makes sickness linger and can make you even more sick. saved by the sniffles!
so i'm doing alright in my quest to avoid alcohol.
i was weeding and digging in the yard all weekend. we are preparing to lay sod. that's a lot of work. didn't help my allergy problem, but it was nice to be sweating and using some muscles for once.
not much to share today, just wanted to give you all an update.
one day at a time...
Thursday, June 03, 2010
my friends and i gather every week to walk and then drink wine when we are done. it's a fun way for us to chat and catch up, and there are no boys allowed. we finish off the evening with a bottle of wine. so i'm going to be tested tonight when the bottle is uncorked. question is, will i be strong enough to withstand or cave in rather than admitting my problem?
thank you all for the wonderful comments on my previous blog. i have been thinking a lot about your comments, hints, advice and similar stories. i'm really trying to get to the root of my problem and your insight has helped so much! especially knowing i'm not alone!
i've been thinking about a my drinking habits the past couple days. in my dream world i would love to be able to go to dinner and have one drink. have a glass of wine nightly with my dinner. meet some friends at the bar and share a pitcher of beer. go to happy hour and then go home at 7 when it's over and be fine with that. all of the above situations do happen to me, but i don't stop at that one drink, pitcher or drink special. i need more.
i tell myself one drink and that's it. but i always have more. i love feeling buzzed. and once i'm there, i don't want it to go away so i keep going. i don't see the point in drinking if i'm not going to get buzzed. take tonight for instance, the 3 or 4 of us will share a bottle of wine. not biggie, that's not much more than one glass for each person. we're chatting and having a good time then it's time to go home. i'm still feeling the very beginning effects of the wine. so when i get home i pop open a beer or make a rum & coke. then i finally have the good buzz i'm searching for. then i have another to keep it going. before i know it it's thursday night and i'm in no condition to drive (not that i would, i'm just using that as a drunkness-meter).
this same scenario works for going out to dinner, having dinner with a friend, having a drink at a bar or just hanging out at home. it's sad, but at least i can recognize it. now i just have to figure out what to do with the information.
as for my drunken rib injury: i'm starting to feel better! i read that you're not supposed to do any activity that will raise your heartrate and cause your lungs to put pressure on your ribs. if the rain holds out and our walk happens tonight i'll be able to tell just how much aerobic activity is too much. what really sucks is i was planning on starting jillian's 30 day shred for june to get toned for short season. don't see that happening till the ribs are better.
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