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June goals = need to get sober!

Tuesday, June 01, 2010

my goal for june was going to be work out everyday. I would still like to do this, but i have come to the realization over the weekend that i need to quit drinking. maybe not forever, but for a good amount of time. i have developed some crazy bad drinking habits lately. it seems like every weekend all i do is drink. when weigh in day is monday this makes for very bad results.
i'm never going to lose weight if i don't quit drinking. aside from the thousands of calories i consume in a night (yes, i'm a binge drinker) from the alcohol i also eat entirely too much. i either eat cause i'm drunk and everything sounds/looks so good or i eat to help cure the hangover feelings.
for instance, saturday night i went out for a friend's birthday. i drank about a half a bottle of rum before hand. i also ate dinner. it was even healthy! i had a couple more drinks at the bar. i was dancing and somehow got hit in the chest and got the wind knocked out of me. so my ribs are bruised. now i have to avoid strenuous activities. needless to say, i felt like crud sunday. i weeded for a couple hours, but mostly i sat around and ate junk food. i went to a bbq that night and didn't drink. mostly cause i said i was going to quit.
yesterday i sat inside cause it wouldn't quit raining. i was doing great avoiding the alcohol and then i just couldn't anymore. so i finished off the bottle of rum and then some. basically, if there is alcohol in the house i have to drink it.
obviously i have a problem. so i'm going to focus on not drinking this month. i'm going to blog about it a lot so that i can keep myself in check.
i have amazing willpower. i just can't control it when it comes to alcohol. i can never stop at one drink. i always go too far. in 2009 i gave up soda for my new year's resolution. and i succeeded with no problem. for 2010 i gave up fast food. haven't had any so far. so why can't i use this strength with alcohol? a few years ago i went 9 weeks without a drink. then 4th of july hit and i broke that streak. i can't seem to go a week anymore. if i can overcome this obstacle i can get that scale moving in the right direction again.

wish me luck!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ICEMONKEY 6/4/2010 5:57PM

    I agree with the others here. The first step is admitting that your will power alone cannot kick your addiction. Find an AA meeting, get all alcohol out of your house and, if I were you, don't go to parties where there is alcohol. The addiction is bigger than you, which is why it's an addiction, and something that you, alone, cannot conquer. emoticon

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_MRSFISH_ 6/3/2010 6:12PM

    You are fantastic and amazing! I have such respect for everyone who recognizes that they need a change, especially if it involves an addiction. I have a family member that has come to the same conclusion, and I am so proud of him! I agree with the others... find some support. You can do this! One day at a time.

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3JAYSNRICK 6/2/2010 11:03AM

  Yay! Welcome home. Find an AA meeting and let them love all over you. Addiction can't be fought with will power. The love of your peers in AA and the tools they have learned will guide you into 7 days, 30 days, 1 year..... I'm excited for you.


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BAKER1009 6/1/2010 10:46PM

    You can do this...there is just this voice inside your head telling you that you can't. Get rid of that voice :) Easier said than done, I know. I ended up in rehab myself, not because of drinking, but because of drugs. I had decided not to drink, and started medicating myself. Once I went through rehab I came out with such a clear head. I was basically forced into rehab (my other option was jail, not an option to me at all) and I have to say it was the best thing ever. I'm not saying you need rehab (not saying that at all) but I want to let you know that there is all kinds of support out there for you. We Sparkers are here to help, and AA meetings are great (and FREE!). There's always a meeting somewhere. The only thing required is a desire to quit. And everyone there has something in common, the desire. You can do this, be strong, and remember to always just take it one day at a time. Don't hurt yourself thinking about yesterday, and don't worry yourself thinking about tomorrow. Let me know if you need anything at all!

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MAGA99 6/1/2010 8:58PM

it's not easy trust me I know I'm working on this myself
stay strong

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KSW1963 6/1/2010 8:50PM

    I was just re-reading through some of your other blogs...and I can tell that this isn't a thing that you want for yourself. You want to have self-control and love yourself. You are an amazing woman who has accomplished so much in the past year. I know that you will do what it takes to win this battle too! If there is any way that I can help let me know. I know as I have been dealing with stuff...it helps to have a detailed plan as to how to handle these tough battles. What will you do if you are invited to a party where there is alcohol? How will you keep yourself from drinking at home? That way you will be as prepared as you can be to meet your goal. I believe you can do this! Good luck.


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RAINBOWFALLS 6/1/2010 7:36PM

    I think recogonizing is half the battle. You may want to seek some professional help to help make it easier.

Best of luck to you.

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MSAEBARRON 6/1/2010 3:58PM

    I feel your pain! I'm a binge drinker as well except I generally only drink when I am away from the house (which is all the time). I was saying I would quit drinking for the month of June while I was at lunch a few hours ago....Then I logged into my Facebook account and saw that two of my friends bands were playing at my boyfriends bar on Friday night and immediately thought "There is no way I'm not drinking on Friday." I don't know what to do - it's like my life completely revolves around drinking, being at the bar, and nursing my hangovers. I have been able to cut down on the number of days in a week I drink, but when I do drink it's always 10 or more drinks. I thought maybe I could drink water the whole time and only take shots, but that has not made any difference - I still drink just as much because shots go down a lot faster.

It's a tough road. I'm not sure how to navigate it. Sorry I really don't have any advice, but I wanted to let you know you aren't alone in your struggle.

Even though I have an event Friday - I am still going to try not to drink. Maybe drinking soda water with lime will make me feel better since it "LOOKS" like a cocktail...

Good luck!!!

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MOMFAN 6/1/2010 3:37PM

    At least giving up drinking is easier then giving up eating, because you cannot completely give up eating! You can do this!

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DONNA_VT 6/1/2010 3:13PM

    You have a lot of support from your Spark friends . . .ask any of us to chat with you and get you through any rough patches along the road. Good luck and I'll be following your blog to see how you are doing and support you.

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COLT2008 6/1/2010 1:37PM

    emoticon and by recognizing that you need to do it you are part way there.

There are many reasons some binge drink and I don't know your situation, but one is alcohol dehydrates leaving a person thirsty so to quench the thirst a person will drink more alcohol. A friend of mine recognized this in herself so I recommended that she drink a bottle of water and eat a snall snack before going out. Then if she did order a drink sip on it while sipping on a glass of water. It did help her and she still enjoys going out but also enjoys where she is at health-wise.

emoticon emoticon emoticon

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COACHKRYSTIE 6/1/2010 1:18PM

    Cheering and praying for you!! You can do this!

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ILOVEME2MUCH 6/1/2010 1:05PM

    I am going to do more than wish you luck; I am going to pray for you! I've been down this road and for as much as you have will power, it sounds like you need outside help to get to the root of why you drink the way you do. I hope that you are surrounded by people that will encourage and support you and love you as you get sober. Sometimes those closest to us can be detrimental to our well being. If you can, start by getting rid of all your liquor and do not replace it or allow it to be replaced.
I want so much for you to be able to do this and I think the scale should probably the least of your concerns right now.
All the best!
emoticon emoticon

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FITKAT2010 6/1/2010 12:44PM

    Please also seek some support on your end. We all have things that we have difficulty overcoming.

My mom died of alcoholism so I do know what this can do to one's liver, among other things. It isn't pretty at all to die that way. Her Dr stated that he had never seen a liver as bad as hers.

So, I don't wish you luck. I want for you to get some support to help you overcome this demon.



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PGHLIONESS 6/1/2010 12:15PM

    HI, I agree with Harrington5. This is clearly an addiction, which with alcohol is not a problem for me, but cigs it definitely is a problem. Just one puts me back into that mindframe of just one more won't hurt.
Part of your challenge is accepting that life will have to change to reach your goals.

You have taken a really big first step and we are here to help as much as we can!
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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RONIE11 6/1/2010 12:08PM

    Please feel free to use this blog to help you stay on track. My husband is going through this right now.. He started the first week of May. He has had the idea if he could give up his after work beer and just have a glass of wine with dinner on the weekend he would be ok.. NOT so now he thinks that if he doesn't drink unless we go out he will be ok.. This is his struggle and I can only be by his side while he figures it out.. I told him this was my life and our sons life that he is dragging down in the gutter with him and I will only be dragged just so far.. He understands this and is working on it..
You can get help from your doctor. They have treatments that are proven to help.
We are here for you and I know that you are strong enough and love yourself enough to make this change for the better.. If you laps its part of the process its like our streaks just how long between laps is a testament to your willingness to succeed..
Take this day by day my friend and you will be so much happier than you ever thought.
Here are some quotes from my hubby... " I can" thats a big one when you come home and head to the fridge for a beer very soon afterwards there is NO MORE I can's because the booze has taken that away.. also he stays up with us instead of drinking until he eats then goes to bed.. He also can talk to family and friends in the evenings because he is sober.. All these things he was never able to do because of the beer... I know you will find your own things that you find you can do now once the booze is out of the way...

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SUNMOONSTAR9 6/1/2010 11:58AM

  good luck! if you can give up soda, and you can give up fast food, you can do this. Its all about wanting it and you sound like its something you want.

might I suggest changing your weekend habits? I know for me, I only drink if I am hanging out with certain people. or doing certain things. when I don't see those people, or we aren't having a bonfire or something I don't drink. I"m just as happy with water or something else.

I don't really know your situation but hopefully it gets you thinking on something that will help you.

emoticon emoticon

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HARRINGTON5 6/1/2010 11:34AM

    It's a big step to admit that you have a problem and are not in control when it comes to alcohol. I really understand, but do you understand that it is an illness? It is not like quitting fast foods. I used to drink every thing in the house. I liked the feeling of being out of control (and I usually was) until one day I blacked out and had no idea what was going on. That is too scary and dangerous to let it continue. I only knew that I had eaten dinner because the plate was on the table. When you have a gas stove and know that you actually used it when you were "out of it", you know you have gone way, way too far. I haven't had a drink in 13 years, but I know if I take "just one" I will be right back where I started. I come from a long line of alcoholics and even married a couple. So, please, take control. Go get some help if you can't do it alone. Your life is worth the effort.
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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i'm done...

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

...being the fat girl
...being uncomfortable in my own skin
...being ashamed of myself
...hating what i look like
...avoiding the mirrors
...being unmotivated to work out
...letting alcohol control my life
...being an emotional eater
...wearing clothes that haven't been purchased in the last 5 years

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SEWINGMAMACDS 5/27/2010 1:17PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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COACHKRYSTIE 5/27/2010 8:04AM

    YOU CAN DO IT!!! I'm here cheering for you!!!!


Visit our sparkteam DANDY LIONS http://teams.sparkpeople.com/dandyl

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PGHLIONESS 5/26/2010 9:12PM

    Be happy that you are realizing all this now and starting your new life! Be the person you want, since we only have one shot at all this.
Great post... emoticon

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KEL_BEL_FX3 5/26/2010 9:00PM

    Excellent blog! WTG you!

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MOMFAN 5/26/2010 8:55PM

    You are an amazing lady and you need to start looking yourself in the mirror and telling yourself how amazing you are!

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TRIGFROST 5/26/2010 8:23PM

    Now= that your done being that person..
start working on the New Person inside to match the outside...
You have more to work on...Remember the Journey Continues
for a life time...Always "Something " to improve on your self...
Love, Hugs, SparkFriend....

Comment edited on: 5/26/2010 8:25:30 PM

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TARAFANA1 5/26/2010 8:22PM


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MJHAINLINE_1 5/26/2010 8:19PM

    I agree with everything except the part about hating yourself. You shouldn't hate yourself, just not like what you see and be willing to make changes to become healthier. You can do it!

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TONYA_JO 5/26/2010 8:19PM


I was a little scared to read your blog just from the title, thought you were going to say you were giving up on this journey.

So happy to read that is not the case!! And awesome job writing it all down!!

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MAGA99 5/26/2010 7:50PM


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KAROUSELL46 5/26/2010 7:03PM

    I hear ya. That's one four letter work I like. DONE

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FIGHT2SURVIVE 5/26/2010 6:46PM

    I'm done too but I'm done trying. I've had it.

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SUGIRL06 5/26/2010 6:12PM

    That's right!

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FITKAT2010 5/26/2010 6:07PM

    And.......is this what you are wishing for or is this what you are hopeful for?

You are worth the effort it takes to put this list as a true done with that.

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SHAKENMA 5/26/2010 5:48PM

    WOW! putting those things no one really wants to say about self must make you feel better. You are showing inner strength already and that you are worthy of that good thing inside of you. You will make it!

Keep Sparking and taking care of you in order to reach those goals and turn these negatives into positives one step at a time.

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CHANSEN_20001 5/26/2010 5:01PM

    Great way to put it. I really like that.

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one year! wow!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

today is my one year sparkiversary. what a year it's been!
i first found spark people when i was searching for stuff on clean living. i signed up cause it was free and i wanted to learn more about it. i was hooked instantly! i loved tracking my water and food and reading blogs from other members. and their pages! i love reading about other member's stories and journeys. they are so motivating.
last summer i was house-hunting and saving every penny i could. i was stressed and busy. i didn't have time to eat healthy and workout as much as i wanted to. though i know it would have helped the stress. i didn't really get into living a good spark life until october. since then i've lost and gained the same 10 lbs over and over. but, man, what i have learned about myself:

*i have a fear of success
*i have great willpower over many things except alcohol.
*i can't find my motivation to get up and work out every morning
*i'm on the fast track to getting diabetes
*if i have one bad moment in a day i let it ruin my whole day (eating wise)
*i don't know who i am anymore, but i'm slowly finding myself
*i don't always like myself
*i have toxic friends
*i have the power to change
*i can learn to like myself
*i am strong and determined

with these thoughts in mind i begin my journey of year 2. i am ready to make it a better year. i am focused, determined and very much ready to become someone i can accept and be happy with.

i'm going to kick off year 2 with the 28-day spark challenge. i've started it before but lost focus. i feel i'm better prepared now. i can do this! i've seen what people can do in a year around here and i want to be one of those people!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CASEYTALK 5/14/2010 7:59AM

    (I accidentally posted that twice. It lets me edit but not delete. Sorry!)

Comment edited on: 5/14/2010 8:00:11 AM

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CASEYTALK 5/14/2010 7:59AM

    This is a very insightful post. Thank you for it. It makes the rest of us think, too, about what is holding us back.

The next steps are 1) to take the issues one at a time (lord knows we can't do it all at once) and eliminate the negative and 2) look for more positives about ourselves so that we can feel our successes.

I mean, that one sentence really struck me about how one bad moment can wreck your whole day. Why? If you're eating right and exercising 23.99999 hours a day and indulge in junk for one minute, why does that make it a bad day? But I find myself thinking that way, too.

You and I know what we have to do. Let's DO it!

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FIGHT2SURVIVE 5/12/2010 7:15PM

    I think this was a wonderful blog. You have really learned a lot about yourself - a lot more than I have about myself but you have given me an idea that I have to think about for awhile. Thanks!

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MAGA99 5/12/2010 7:08PM

    emoticon emoticon

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MOMFAN 5/12/2010 2:27PM

    WooHoo! Congrats on you Sparkaversary! You are amazing!

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TARAFANA1 5/12/2010 1:54PM

    Right on, I believe this is going to be your year emoticon

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  emoticon on hanging in there your 1st year and all the self soul searching you've done to bring you to the awareness to make Year 2 all you dream it to be! I too can relate to the ups/downs you talk about but we are here to grow together and be encouragers for one another. Good Luck as you go forward and
thanks for sharing! Take it a day at a time and step by step cuz it all adds up to success!

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GRANDMAAMIE 5/12/2010 12:14PM

    emoticon emoticon

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TONYA_JO 5/12/2010 12:06PM


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MINDYJ1 5/12/2010 11:40AM

    Happy emoticonIt sounds like you are doing great! emoticon

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RONIE11 5/12/2010 11:11AM

    It takes time to put it all together in our minds and soul.. Some it clicks right away and they have meet their goals and are done. Some (me) take time to learn it all and put it into practice so its not a beginning, middle, end, but an ongoing adventure that is scary, exciting, fun, and hard work all rolled up into one... You have been doing the ground work and it sounds like your ready for the commitment... Best of luck with the 28 day challenge... I know you will do GREAT!!!!

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COACHKRYSTIE 5/12/2010 11:09AM


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TACOTA 5/12/2010 10:59AM

    Looks like you've taken a serious look inside and done some personal inventory. Good for you! Knowledge is power! Wishing you the best. You can do this! Love yourself, accept the times you're not quite up to par, and BELIEVE in you!

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WITH_GRATITUDE 5/12/2010 10:58AM

fantastic insight -- listening to oneself & acknowledging ...

we are all on this journey with you

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CHOPOLA 5/12/2010 10:54AM

    Finding out about yourself is the first step to success. You are on your way!


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join my fit & fab for the 4th challenge team

Tuesday, May 04, 2010


I started a challenge team that i thought would be a fun challenge with a good amount of time. 4th of July is 2 months away and that's plenty of time to make a good impact on your journey. come make your own goals and join in on the daily and weekly challenges.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SPARKPIXIE 5/8/2010 9:43AM

    Good luck with your team!

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SPARKPIXIE 5/8/2010 9:42AM

    Good luck with your team!

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clean living

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

for awhile now i've been researching clean living. it's actually how i found sparkpeople almost a year ago. my biggest hurdle for this lifestyle is money. i don't have the funds to go completely organic and natural with every aspect of my life. but i do what i can. i've been trying out more natural cleaners and household products. i built a deck out of composite wood. i'm becoming a very dedicated recycler. now i'm going to venture further into clean eating. it's going to be slow, mostly cause of the cost, but i'm going to do what i can. i'm going to plan this month and watch the ads for sales on certain things so i know when something is actually a good deal. in june i plan to eat clean. not everything will be organic, but i'll try to get as much organic food as possible. i'm going to cut out all processed foods (well, that bad ones) and try to eat nothing from a box or frozen meal type things. even if they are organic. produce will become more fresh & available with farmers markets and availibilty at the store. i think the challenge will be more challenging and rewarding if i have to make everything i eat and can't fall back on an easy excuse of frozen pizza.

i think this will be a very good learning experience. i'm looking forward to this challenge and i'm very excited to see what the results will be.

does anyone have any advice, ideas, tips, recipes, etc to share?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JEWITCH 5/10/2010 8:07PM

    I have been working on clean living for several years. I at first tried to do it all at once and crashed and burned. I found it is best to do it in stages and once I am comfortable with one stage then move to another. I found the way to go organic was to raise my own vegetables. I then can afford to by organic fruits. Also if you give up meat then you can afford to spend more on better fruits and vegetables. You might want to also see if you can get friends to go into a co-op with you then you can get organics for less.

I am sure if you keep at it you will be able to do it. Take care. Brightest blessings and warm hugs.

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5POINTED 5/10/2010 6:34PM

    This is one of my passions and something I've been doing since I was a teen. I've always been on a budget, and often making your own household cleaners is much cheaper than buying the toxic alternatives. White vinegar, baking soda, lemon juice and olive oil are staples. There are some great eco-friendly concentrated detergents for dishwashers, washers and general cleaning that go a long way as well. The best glass cleaner out there: 1 C rubbing alcohol, 1 C water, 1 T vinegar.

I try to buy organic as much as possible, but being on a budget can make that difficult at times. This cheat sheet is a good rule of thumb for what to buy organic and what you can save money on, when the choice has to be made: http://lifehacker.com/5528836/organ

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COACHKRYSTIE 5/4/2010 12:11PM

    U can do it!!

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RONIE11 5/4/2010 11:41AM

    I was one of the lucky ones who's mom taught me to cook. We were eating clean before anyone ever heard of clean eating. Basically my mom never opened a box or bought T.V. dinners. Everything was made from scratch and thats how I learned.
I can tell you that in todays world with time so short it is a bit harder to bake your own bread and cook from scratch 24/7. Second hand stores have food dehydrators and bread makers for little money.
I go to the store a few times a week, I buy fresh produce and very little meat. We are big fans of roasted veggies, or stir fry. I would suggest starting slow and seeing for your self what you can make yourself and what you can go without. There are books and web sites that go into detail of how to eat clean.
It sounds like you are on the right track and making great progress. As with anything if the desire to change and do this is strong enough you will be creative and make it work.
There are clean living teams. I would join a few to see which one works for you and address the needs you are looking for. You might look into "Green living" teams too.
I wish you the best of luck with this. You are an example we all should strive for.

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