Wednesday, July 23, 2014
last weekend was supposed to be wonderful. it was the first weekend in i don't even know how long i didn't have anything planned. so i planned on getting caught up on housework. you name, it needs to be cleaned. i wanted to get a book shelf out of dd's room and into ours and put more toys in her room and less in the livingroom (we have a small house). pretty easy. i can clean the house in a day and still get food prep done in a weekend. well, i used to be able to, that is.
since dd was born i have not been able to keep up on housework. i get what needs to get done. laundry, bathrooms, etc. but the not-so-important things get shoved to the back burner and basically forgotten about. there's a lot of clutter now. every once in a while i go through a pile and sort it. but it never goes away, it shrinks and grows. it's a constant source of my stress. one of many. i was going to do something about it over the weekend.
saturday dh had a golf tournament in the morning. i was going to do her room while he was away and before naptime. she was a grump. she couldn't play by herself and be entertained by anything but me. well, scratch the room idea. by the time dh got home and her nap was over all motivation was gone. there's always tomorrow...
sunday i tackled her room early. i got laundry going, i was going to get this done! she "helped me" put things away and sort through her closet. we got quite a bit done. then i looked at one pile of stuff and thought, i'm tired, i can't do this anymore.
this was a scary thought. what the heck is wrong with me? a million diseases and illnesses ran through my mind, of course. i just figured, i don't have the energy. i'm a lazy slob who can't keep her house work up. better than a scary disease, right?
monday i was working on bills. what i was going to pay and how. then it hit me. i'm overwhelmed. i'm so stressed and there is so much that needs to be done that i just can't handle it anymore. even the smallest tasks seem huge. i give up when the idea of doing something becomes too much.
is this the answer to my working out issues? does the idea of getting up at 4, putting on workout clothes, putting a dvd in the player and then actually doing the activity make me want to burrow under the covers? sometimes my meal plan seems too much when i have to take it from paper to reality. my lack of motivation is starting to become clear.
it seems if something isn't part of my daily routine (shower) and may take me a bit longer (shaving my legs) i just don't want to do it.
so how do i fix it? well, not much i can do about money right now. just keep chipping away at the pile of debt. but i can get my house cleaned and get it to a manageable state once again.
yesterday i went home and cleaned one counter of the kitchen. i cleaned the area where clutter gathers but also where i do all my prep work. i threw away receipts i no longer need, grocery lists that were of no use any longer, piled up recipes and moved them to another location to be filed. i scrubbed the counter and cleaned the fruit bowl. it's all nice and sparkly now. tonight i'll clean the other kitchen counters. it may take me weeks to clean the house at this rate, but i feel this is more doable and less all consuming. i usually make a list of everything i need to do cause i love crossing things off as i do them. but right now it's just too much.
i really hope this recent discovery takes a load off and helps me get on track with my fitness and keeps me going with my healthy cooking. too often picking up pizza seems so much easier than making dinner.
Friday, July 18, 2014
i'm struggling, floundering, being lazy...whatever you want to call it, it's my current life.
in 16 weeks i lost 25 pounds. 31 days ago (according to my spark feed) i was one lb away from hitting 50 pounds gone. i'm still 1 pound away. i keep losing and gaining the same freaking pound! why?!?!!?! why can't i lose that last pound! am i experiencing a platue? i'm planning all my meals, i'm drinking all my water, i'm eating tons of fruits and veggies.
am i? yes, just look at my calendar! but then look at my tracker and see the reality. look, i did awesome those two days. but the third day the tracker is half full or blank. i went off track. i am still in the fear of tracking mode where i don't track it if it's bad. the reason why tracking is such a powerful tool. look at my activity log. i haven't been actively active in a month.
i feel as though i've lost my motivation. i feel like my willpower has gone out the window. i have one bad day and i let it turn into days. weeks. i have to change this before it's too late. i feels like it is too late. i keep having these thoughts of, why bother? it's not worth it. but it is! being healthy is worth it! it's worth it for myself and my family.
lets look at that weight tracker again. june 14th i weighed in at 216. i've been bouncing around 216 and 217 since then. that's maintaining, that's not failure. i've been going to one bbq/birthday party/grad party after another since at least memorial day. i started that whirlwind out with the best of intentions and then they got the best of me. i tracked, i was honest. but then one saturday slip up followed by a wednesday slip up had me throwing in the towel and promising to do better next week. then the same thing would happen next week. this is my problem. right here. i let in processed foods, sugar, alcohol and lack of focus. so i just need to fix that. really, it's a small problem, i'm just letting it feel huge and unbearable.
phew, i feel better now. getting things down on paper (or monitor & keyboard) always helps me feel better.
ok, lets see what i've done well with over the last month. water. i'm on day 154 of drinking a gallon of water daily. that's amazing! i could probably use more on these 100 degree days, but that's not a concern at the moment.
fruit and veggie intake has been good. i could use more though. i'm sure that's true for dang near everyone.
i've done well with meal planning, i just need to be better about snacking/grazing.
working out. i am still struggling with getting up in the morning to workout. i wasn't too concerned about it when i was walking at lunch. but lately it's been too hot and right now it's way too smoky to even attempt a walk. so i need to focus on getting up. really, there's no excuse. it's 4 am, no one else is awake to bother me. i have nothing else to do that early in the morning. the best part, i can get it out of the way for the day and don't have to try to fit it in somewhere else. i just need to do it!
i need to get my eating back under control. i was doing real well eating whole foods and not snacking on processed junk. lately i've had difficulty turning down offers of bad food and stopping myself from grabbing something i shouldn't be eating. chips and crackers have slowly made their way back into my house. this needs to stop.
here's what i'm gong to work on:
*working out at 4 am
*eliminating processed food
*tracking every. single. bite.
i know what i need to do to succeed. i definitely need to step it up. if i want this, i have to work for it. it won't happen on its own.
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
i went golfing this weekend. i haven't been golfing in over 2 years, since before dd was born. i have avoided it because, you know, it's expensive and i don't have time. in reality i have avoided this and many other activities because my fat roll might show when i swing the club or other things that may make the hem of my shirt raise a bit.
dh asked if i wanted to do a golf tournament that his work was involved with. i said yes without giving myself time to really think about it. it was a month away and i had time to lose a few more pounds. as the time got closer i lost weight, but my tummy gut still didn't want to shrink. rather than stress and ruin my day i found the longest shirt i own and decided to wear that. i "practiced" in the mirror to see how much damage would be done. luckily not much so i was able to calm down a bit.
i got to the golf course on saturday feeling a bit insecure about things. then i realized, this is fun. i've always enjoyed golfing. just have fun and don't worry about it. a few holes in we took a bathroom break and while sitting in there i realized i'm having fun, i'm not worrying about my fat hanging out or if it even was. people aren't watching me, they're watching my ball. i realized then that i had gained so much confidence. i have finally taken my life back.
how many times in the last few years have i opted out of something because i've been too insecure about my size and my appearance? how many times have i sat on the sidelines watching my friends have fun? probably more times than i want to think about.
i tend to walk around with one hand on the hem of my shirt, holding it down to keep my fat from showing. i don't have to do that so much anymore now that my clothes are getting bigger. i realized that walking like that was killing my back. i had lower back pain and my back was often stiff. i was making things worse for myself just because i was so insecure.
looking back i realized i was wearing layers and hiding behind walls to hide who i was. i was in a very dark place. getting invited to a wedding brought on a depression and anxiety of having to dress up and get out of my comfort zone of jeans, t-shirts and oversized sweatshirts. i'd have to by nice clothes and end up looking like a clown. i would hide and hope no one saw me rather than celebrate the good times with my friends and loved ones. i don't buy clothes because i don't look good in anything. in every pic of me over the last few years i'm basically wearing the same thing. i really put myself in a dark, lonely place.
escaping that trap has been liberating. i don't want to buy clothes, i still have a ton of xl clothes at home that i'm waiting to fit into properly. my work clothes are plus size because of my gut, but every week they fit better and better. but for the first time in a long time i'm looking forward to buying clothes. i'm looking forward to my old clothes fitting again. i'm looking forward to wearing something besides a t-shirt. i'm looking forward to feeling feminine again.
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