Tuesday, April 14, 2009
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the thoughtful dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. She has wonderful people skills and I'm looking forward to working with her!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile... I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. I'm beginning to think there is something abnormal about her.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the heck would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other crap too.
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me.
Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the freaking barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today.. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the evil little brat) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
*Es didn't write this.. she was sent it by someone else and just made a few changes in it. But she hopes you enjoy it anyway!
Friday, March 06, 2009
My son is getting married this spring. I am thrilled that I won't be obese and can just be normal. It's the loveliest feeling!
But, let's face it, I'm not exactly thin. I finally had to admit that I've become quite comfortable at the weight I'm at right now and progress has slowed down considerably.
Last week I ordered the dress I'll wear to the wedding (and to two other family weddings this summer). After some serious mental struggles, I ordered a size smaller than what I can currently wear. And it's non-returnable, non-refundable!! I spent the next days smacking my head and wishing I'd just ordered a larger size but yesterday finally had a come to the real world talk with myself.
Sure, I'm comfortable with this weight. That's because it's 35 pounds less than it was! But it's not the weight I should be, nor the weight I would like to be. And, I know I can do it.
So I sat down and made a little chart. I need to lose one pound every five days to make it. Let me rephrase that.. I WILL lose one pound every five days, and I WILL make it!
I talked to the trainer at the gym and will now 'kick it up' as she suggested. And I'm excited! It was fun hanging out at this weight the past few weeks, fun trying on clothes and having people say, "You've lost weight!". But when I skid into that goal weight and am comfortable wearing my beautiful blue dress I will be so glad I pushed past this plateau and went on to achieve my goal!
Pulling up my bootstraps and on with the show!
Friday, February 20, 2009
Last night a friend and I drove to the next town and into adventure.
My Sparkfriend, Barbie, had invited me to try out her Zumba class with her!
Aside from the parts where I felt like a gigantic Frankenstein lumbering around, it was fun. And, even after all the working out I've been doing, I can really feel it in new places today. Who knew? And, come on... latin dancing!
Barbie is a peach.. it's great to have some local support. And I think I'll be back there gyrating again soon!
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
After my plank victory I set two more intermediate goals for myself. I want to run a mile and, for the first time in my life, I want to do a real pushup.
A year ago these were both things that were in the same category as 'Be a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Model' in terms of probability. Last year I was like a hundred year old woman barely moving from the sofa to the fridge, growing worse day by day as my blood pressure climbed and my zest for life got lost in the fat.
Today I went to the gym and climbed onto my trusty elliptical. I love that thing. You know how some days you just feel so good? Like the world is there waiting for you to conquer it! All systems were go and the hour went by easily with the resistance up fairly high. Yay me! I wandered upstairs and did pillates and weights, some stretching. Yay me!
I was laying on the floor stretching and feeling content and wonderful when I decided.. this was the day!
I went downstairs, jumped on a treadmill, pumped it up and nothing was going to stop me. I know that there are millions of people who run marathons and triathalons and yada yada yada. But I don't care.. I know where I've been and not that long ago.
I was the only one working out in the gym. The trainer was chatting with a couple of body builders way over there but they were oblivious to my journey. I felt unbeatable! I ran like the wind! My grin got wider and wider and as the treadmill clicked one mile I put my hands in the air and called out, 'Victory!' I went a little further, then cooled down. And I'm still grinning.
Don't watch for me in Sports Illustrated. But that push-up is happening soon.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
When I took my first pilates class this month she put us into a side plank. Well, she instructed us to do one. My arm shook and swayed like a pillar made out of jello in the middle of an earthquake as my body crashed to the floor about six seconds in. Have I ever mentioned that my arms have always been my weakest part? Anyway, I was not discouraged or sad. No! This was an opportunity for a future victory!
The instructor has us hold the planks for 30 seconds. Which is 2 hours in old lady years. Day after day I'd hoist myself into the four side planks. My crashes became more graceful as the strong armed ladies effortlessly opened their arms to the sky, embracing the joy of plankage.
I was forced to temporarily give up the pilates class while I work my way through an inner ear thing which makes for a lot more crashing, but I always go up to the exercise room and do whatever I can on my own. When I'm by myself I can lay still until the room stops spinning and not worry about those times I topple off the stability ball, etc. Anyway, every day I push myself into those four side planks. Left elbow and hand, right elbow and hand. Count... seconds... slowly....CRASH. But each time the crash comes further along.
Yesterday I was determined. I finished up the elliptical and headed upstairs to conquer the curse of the spaghetti arms. Stretches, pep talks, a little more stretching....right elbow... UP! I counted the seconds... when I got to 25 my arm was going like a wet noodle and I thought, I can't do it! But then I said, 'oh yes you CAN.. TWENTY SIX... TWENTY SEVEN... TWENTY EIGHT... TWENTY NINE.... THIRTY!' I lowered myself WITHOUT a crash back to the floor, raised my fist in the empty room and said, 'Victory!'. The grin never left my face as I pushed through the second right arm plank, opened my left arm to the ceiling and noodled through to thirty. Victory! I finished up the left side, did some more stretches and grinned like a pirate with a secret all the way home. And all the rest of the day.
Reaching that mini-goal and enormous personal victory was many times over more satisfying than any food I've ever eaten. I could have told myself I just couldn't do it and given up, but I didn't. Because I ::CAN:: do it. I AM doing it.
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