The week has been so busy for me and I swear I lost weight because I have been busy keeping my house clean and now I have to trash it because my landlord is getting painters in on monday to paint and then they will be putting in new windows and remodeling my bathroom so there will not be any mold in the house.
Then I will have to work harder to get it all cleaned up again so my son can come home for home visits. But I wish to god that he was coming home for good. I also cleaned my treadmill off so I can finally get back on it.
This is my plan for the rest of the week
Breakfast at 8:00 a.m
Treadmill at 8:30 a.m
Cleaning starting at 9:00 a.m
Laundry at 9:30 a.m
yard work from 10:00 a.m to 12:00 p.m
Lunch at 12:00 p.m
Treadmill at 12:30 p.m
more cleaning from 1:00 p.m to 4 p.m
Then dinner at 4:30 p.m
Treadmill and exercises until 7:00 p.m
finally resting at 7:30 to 10:00 p.m
Bed by 11:00 p.m
That will be everyday then will repeat the process
I have to keep myself busy because my husband cant help me anymore since he took a heart attack more than once. ( 8 mild ones in 2 days). So now it is up to me and my older son to keep things clean and tidy.
I just hope that I am not wasting my time with this because it will kill me if I am. I have no more faith because my faith was taken away when my son was taken.
Well my heart was ripped out of my chest today because social services and child protection came to my house while I was away shopping for groceries and paying bills and took my son away from me and placed him a foster home. I feel so alone without him. I know he was having problems and was depressed and suffered from anxiety but that was no excuse to take him away. I never even had the chance to say goodbye to him.
I know it is for his own good but it hurts so much, he didnt want to go to school everyday because of his depression and anxiety and he was dealing with it. I am so lonely and I know that I will never sleep until he is home in my arms again. My son is only 13 years old and talked about killing himself but was only joking about it.
I dont know what to do anymore because I cant stand to be away from him like this he is my whole world and it hurts me so badly. My dog is even lonely without my son around. I cant even stop crying now and I know I will not sleep tonight.
Sunday is mothers day and my 2 boys was going to make me breakfast in bed but now that wont happen.
Today I feel so inspired by a true friend. She helped me see that my goal is my own and to do it for me and not for everyone else. I feel that I can do anything as long as I set my mind to it. I can feel that my heart soul body and spirit is starting to work as one now because I want to reach my goal no matter how long it takes and how hard it will be for me. Every thing I have tried so far has failed and I know now that failure is part of success and for me success is what i want from this journey.
I realized that I have been hard on myself and I know now that its not right to put myself down all the time. I plan to look at my goals and change things up a little. Instead of setting goals that will take forever to accomplish I plan to set small goals first and when I reach one of them I will reward myself with something that I enjoy.
My goals are ridiculously set to high like losing 75 lbs by July I think it should be 75 lbs by January 2015 instead. I am planning on losing atleast 30 by July instead because that is almost the amount that I put on in the last few months.
I will succeed at this no matter what others think of me especially my family. I want to feel good about myself and be able to look in the mirror and say I did it. I want to see my waist line again and see my chest smaller and even have my legs stronger. I will do this my way. A good friend once told me that if you want it bad enough then go for it and you know she was right. Now she is with god in heaven and I miss her because we started this journey together. Her heart was pure gold and now I hold her in my heart and I think of the day when we walked 3 city blocks together. That is will never happen again because I dont like to walk alone.
I am walking this new journey alone so I can clean the bad thoughts I have been feeling as you could tell from my last blog. My mind has been poisoned for so long that I lost track of who I am and what I want out of life.
I swear that I will get my act together and start looking towards a better future for me and only me. I am what counts and not my family who has put me down for so long.
Well here I am again failing at the one thing that I wanted more than anything in this world. I have been so depressed lately and I know that when I am depressed I eat everything in sight. Everything from chips to popcorn. I havent got the will power to take and do this again because I know I will fail again. I hate the way I feel and the way I look. I even covered up my mirror in my room and I stopped stepping on the scale because I know what it will read when I step on it.
I have tried to eat right and exercise each day but I have a family that puts me down for everything I try. My next step is starving myself but I know what you will all say so that is no good for me. I am sorry for this but I want to take the time i need to put everything in perspective again so I am going to think of what is more important to me. My health or my family I cant have it both. I need to be strong and be able to see my future the way it should be. I know that I have all of you behind me cheering me on but its not enough for me. I have to hold my head up high and realize my dreams will never come true because I dont have my family behind me. I love that I can come in here and post blogs about my feelings and what I want but I am failing and I hate it.
I cant even get on my treadmill because my boyfriend packed stuff on it again and I havent got the strength to move it. I lay awake each and every night thinking about what my family is doing to me. and it is not enough to have them help me around the house and tell me that they are there for me because I know they are not.
I need to sit somewhere quiet and think about my life and what I want to accomplish from it. My goal has not changed but I hate restarting this all the time. I need to lose weight in a hurry because I have a reunion to go to this summer and I dont need my boyfriends family seeing me fat and ugly. I use to fit into a size 20 jeans but now I wear a size 24 which is a 44 in plus size.
My legs and feet swell like big balloons all the time and it hurts when I walk up and down my basement stairs. What can I do please help me. Weighing in at 244 lbs is very bad for me. I think my next resort is to buy diet pills or something that will flush out my system. I am going totally crazy now.
Have you ever had a feeling that you think you have a goal plan figured out in your mind and then life throws you a curve ball and it all fails miserably well that is the way I have been feeling lately.
I had this planned out from day one then it all goes down hill for me. I had a plan that I was going to lose weight and at first it was working then the stress took hold again because I slipped which was a big mistake. I started to feel like this was going to go wrong and I was right. It started just before November when I found out that my weight didn't change much. Yes I lost weight but not as much as I thought, I had it figured out that it went down by 30 lbs and when I found out that it only went down by 7 lbs I was devastated. Here I am fighting harder then I have ever done before and not seeing any results at all.
I know that I have to work harder then ever now because it is the new year and my goal is only set to July and I want to lose 75 lbs before the end of July but I know I have to reset my goal again. I want to see the weight come off and I want to see my waist line again as well as see myself in a mirror again too but that will never happen either. I know I shouldn't be hard on myself but it is the way I am feeling right now.
I think that it is time for someone to give me a kick in the butt and tell me to stop feeling sorry for myself and to start over so that is what I am going to do. Starting On Monday morning I am going to get up at 6:00 am and eat breakfast with my son before he goes to school and after he is gone I will go down to my basement and clean my off and get on it for 30 minutes to start the day off right. I will then do some exercises and use my as well. I will then go back up stairs and clean my house and have lunch and then go down stairs again and do laundry and while the laundry is washing I will get on my for the second time for another 30 minutes.
This way I will be active and exercising at the same time. I will then have dinner ready for the family before 5:00 pm do dishes then go down stairs and get on my for the 3rd time and walk for another 30 minutes until the laundry is done washing then put it in the dryer and then do some ab crunches along with some Zumba,
If I can keep this up for a week straight then I know it will help me. I hate feeling like I am going to fail at this. I see you all losing weight and being excited about it then I look at myself and realize that I can have my goal come true as well only if I work harder at it.
I have told myself a lot lately that I shouldn't listen to what my boyfriend says anymore because he doesn't see how depressed I get when I can't lose this weight. He thinks that I should sit on my butt all day and do nothing but that is not me I want to be active all the time or I will not accomplish my goal. I want this more than anything in this world.
I have cut a lot of stuff out of my diet lately and have gotten in the habit of eating things that are healthy for me and I have even thought about cutting out certain meats that are high is sodium and fats. I haven't had a slice of ham in a long time because I was told not to by my doctor's and I feel good about it because I can make ham sandwiches for my family and not be tempted to eat it myself. I haven't even had bacon for a long time either but I think I am going to buy some turkey bacon so I can make BLT's for lunch.
I Susan Walsh plan to start my goal over again and keep at it until I see results. I plan to weigh myself at the end of each week and record how much I weigh at then end of the week. Wish me luck