ESHARA43   22,279
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Friday, October 31, 2014

I am writing this blog because it is the only was i can express my feeling towards my goal. You see I lost my dad yesterday to cancer and Pneumonia. He was hoping that he could see me when I loss this weight and get to my goal weight but he didnt get the chance.

So now my journey to reach my goal is much more important to me now than ever, I have decided to go all the way with this journey and Starting on Monday I am going to start getting out to walk even if it is cold outside and then I am going to eat 3 meals a day by eating smaller healthier meals as well as getting on my treadmill and using my weights too.

I want to do this for my dad, you see my dad is my hero and he was proud of me for everything I did from having my children to going back to school to becoming who I am today. My mum told me that my dad wanted to see me loss weight so he could have his beautiful skinny daughter back but he will never get to see that so this is for him. emoticon

This is for you dad, may you rest in perfect peace, I am doing this for you dad. emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SLIMLILA 11/6/2014 3:41PM

    emoticon emoticon Prayers going out to you and your family, especially your mom as she adjusts to this new age and stage of life. I know you will be there for her as well. What a wonderful idea to think of you dad every time you do stick with your diet and exercise program. Don't worry about having to go outside to do your walking either. Check out utube for exercise videos... there are some of the WATP(Walk Away the Pounds) ones there too, those are the ones that I do. She is so positive and motivating when she does the videos too, Leslie Sansone. She keeps encouraging that if you find anything too hard, you can always go back to just walking. I had to do it the other day as something happened to both legs and I felt a pain when I did the sidesteps... so I did just what she said and went back to walking... Check her out, I don't want you to risk falling, I did enough of that for both of us last year.... Hugs and take care, my friend.

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IMPROVINGME 11/5/2014 11:18PM

    You can do it, Susan!
I hope this week is going well for you and that you have started pushing to reach your goals. You've got a wonderful reason to be doing this in memory of your dad, and also just for yourself.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
emoticon emoticon

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JADOMB 11/2/2014 11:42PM

    Sorry for your loss. I'm sure he will be watching as you honor him with ALL your successes in life.

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ESHARA43 11/1/2014 12:13AM

    Thanks everyone, i know my dad will be by my side throughtout my journey.

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TIKITAMI 10/31/2014 11:52PM

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm sure your dad would be very proud of you for not giving up and sticking to your goal.


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LJCANNON 10/31/2014 11:14PM

    emoticon Sending prayers to you and your Family.
Your Dad will be there Cheering you on. It may not make the Journey much easier, but it will keep you focused when the Going Gets Tough!!

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DJ4HEALTH 10/31/2014 10:36PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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APROMISE4ME 10/31/2014 10:18PM

    Deepest sympathy to you and your family . Your father would be very proud of all the steps you are taking to make your life a happy and healthy one !

emoticon emoticon

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CATTUTT 10/31/2014 10:15PM

    I am so sorry to hear you lost your dad. It's great that you're turning it into something positive and doing something good. I will keep you in my thoughts.


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SEATTLE58 10/31/2014 9:43PM

    I'm thinking of you with love and sympathy and I know that you can do this for your dad. He'd be so proud of you and he knew that you could be at goal one day. emoticon

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BUMBLEBEE-RN 10/31/2014 9:39PM

    The starting point of all achievement is desire. ~Napolean Hill

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CAROL494 10/31/2014 9:33PM

  You have my sympathy. Take care.
You can reach your goal! emoticon

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KESTRYLL 10/31/2014 9:27PM

    I am so sorry for your loss. I know you can do it! Love to you!

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Will Things Ever Change For Me

Thursday, June 05, 2014

The week has been so busy for me and I swear I lost weight because I have been busy keeping my house clean and now I have to trash it because my landlord is getting painters in on monday to paint and then they will be putting in new windows and remodeling my bathroom so there will not be any mold in the house.

Then I will have to work harder to get it all cleaned up again so my son can come home for home visits. But I wish to god that he was coming home for good. I also cleaned my treadmill off so I can finally get back on it.

This is my plan for the rest of the week

Breakfast at 8:00 a.m
Treadmill at 8:30 a.m
Cleaning starting at 9:00 a.m
Laundry at 9:30 a.m
yard work from 10:00 a.m to 12:00 p.m
Lunch at 12:00 p.m
Treadmill at 12:30 p.m
more cleaning from 1:00 p.m to 4 p.m
Then dinner at 4:30 p.m
Treadmill and exercises until 7:00 p.m
finally resting at 7:30 to 10:00 p.m
Bed by 11:00 p.m

That will be everyday then will repeat the process

I have to keep myself busy because my husband cant help me anymore since he took a heart attack more than once. ( 8 mild ones in 2 days). So now it is up to me and my older son to keep things clean and tidy.

I just hope that I am not wasting my time with this because it will kill me if I am. I have no more faith because my faith was taken away when my son was taken. emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ZRIE014 6/5/2014 12:31AM

  keep it up

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Feeling is so lonely

Thursday, May 08, 2014

Well my heart was ripped out of my chest today because social services and child protection came to my house while I was away shopping for groceries and paying bills and took my son away from me and placed him a foster home. I feel so alone without him. I know he was having problems and was depressed and suffered from anxiety but that was no excuse to take him away. I never even had the chance to say goodbye to him.

I know it is for his own good but it hurts so much, he didnt want to go to school everyday because of his depression and anxiety and he was dealing with it. I am so lonely and I know that I will never sleep until he is home in my arms again. My son is only 13 years old and talked about killing himself but was only joking about it.

I dont know what to do anymore because I cant stand to be away from him like this he is my whole world and it hurts me so badly. My dog is even lonely without my son around. I cant even stop crying now and I know I will not sleep tonight.

Sunday is mothers day and my 2 boys was going to make me breakfast in bed but now that wont happen.

So lonely and depressed

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

POSITIVEHOPE 5/9/2014 12:57AM

    All you can do is stay strong. The pain you are feeling is unimaginable. You will see him again. The court process will bring you together so you will know how he is doing. Live for those moments. Find someone to help you and your other son with your feelings.
His problems with depression and anxiety sound serious and require outside help to overcome. Suicide thoughts are never a joke. I pray you all get the help you need.

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Feeling So truly Inspired

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Today I feel so inspired by a true friend. She helped me see that my goal is my own and to do it for me and not for everyone else. I feel that I can do anything as long as I set my mind to it. I can feel that my heart soul body and spirit is starting to work as one now because I want to reach my goal no matter how long it takes and how hard it will be for me. Every thing I have tried so far has failed and I know now that failure is part of success and for me success is what i want from this journey.

I realized that I have been hard on myself and I know now that its not right to put myself down all the time. I plan to look at my goals and change things up a little. Instead of setting goals that will take forever to accomplish I plan to set small goals first and when I reach one of them I will reward myself with something that I enjoy.

My goals are ridiculously set to high like losing 75 lbs by July I think it should be 75 lbs by January 2015 instead. I am planning on losing atleast 30 by July instead because that is almost the amount that I put on in the last few months.

I will succeed at this no matter what others think of me especially my family. I want to feel good about myself and be able to look in the mirror and say I did it. I want to see my waist line again and see my chest smaller and even have my legs stronger. I will do this my way. A good friend once told me that if you want it bad enough then go for it and you know she was right. Now she is with god in heaven and I miss her because we started this journey together. Her heart was pure gold and now I hold her in my heart and I think of the day when we walked 3 city blocks together. That is will never happen again because I dont like to walk alone.

I am walking this new journey alone so I can clean the bad thoughts I have been feeling as you could tell from my last blog. My mind has been poisoned for so long that I lost track of who I am and what I want out of life.

I swear that I will get my act together and start looking towards a better future for me and only me. I am what counts and not my family who has put me down for so long.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NEWMOON 3/12/2014 10:06AM

    So glad to hear that you've found yourself again.

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SLIMLILA 3/11/2014 8:05PM

    YEAH!!!! Now just gotta follow through and neither of us to let our main "balloon-burster' get to us....right???!!!!

I found that setting a goal of a certain weight didn't work for me... guess that's why I am back up 25 lbs.... maybe it should be to NOT go up ...... I have to set goals .....soon..... and spring's gotta come too.... I have to get out and walk and I think it's gotta be a schedule that I follow, like getting through that FIRST day of staying on track and maybe going for a walk after supper instead of eating.......

For some reason my leg is swollen tonite, wonder if I am just have sympathy pains for you?
Keep us posted and "let's get physical" as the old song says... Get that treadmill cleaned off and put it to the use you bought it for!!!

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SISSYFEB48 3/11/2014 5:51PM

    You can do this for YOURSELF! You are worth it. Make small goals that you know are small step at a time. Do something concrete that reminds you that you are making changes in your life. Something like a sticker on a calendar when you exercise or eat can come up with what will inspire you the best. Keep up the reinforcing positive self talk....even when it might feel silly, or not true. You must become your own best friend, your own motivator. You can do it! emoticon
Here is a spark article that might help inspire you as well:

Comment edited on: 3/11/2014 6:14:04 PM

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GRACILU 3/11/2014 4:47PM

    I am very proud of you! Keep up this self-encouragement and you will succeed. As I read this blog entry, it was as if I was reading my intimate thoughts. Thank you for posting this. It has helped me to achieve my goals.

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Tuesday, March 11, 2014

emoticon Well here I am again failing at the one thing that I wanted more than anything in this world. I have been so depressed lately and I know that when I am depressed I eat everything in sight. Everything from chips to popcorn. I havent got the will power to take and do this again because I know I will fail again. I hate the way I feel and the way I look. I even covered up my mirror in my room and I stopped stepping on the scale because I know what it will read when I step on it.

I have tried to eat right and exercise each day but I have a family that puts me down for everything I try. My next step is starving myself but I know what you will all say so that is no good for me. I am sorry for this but I want to take the time i need to put everything in perspective again so I am going to think of what is more important to me. My health or my family I cant have it both. I need to be strong and be able to see my future the way it should be. I know that I have all of you behind me cheering me on but its not enough for me. I have to hold my head up high and realize my dreams will never come true because I dont have my family behind me. I love that I can come in here and post blogs about my feelings and what I want but I am failing and I hate it.

I cant even get on my treadmill because my boyfriend packed stuff on it again and I havent got the strength to move it. I lay awake each and every night thinking about what my family is doing to me. and it is not enough to have them help me around the house and tell me that they are there for me because I know they are not.

I need to sit somewhere quiet and think about my life and what I want to accomplish from it. My goal has not changed but I hate restarting this all the time. I need to lose weight in a hurry because I have a reunion to go to this summer and I dont need my boyfriends family seeing me fat and ugly. I use to fit into a size 20 jeans but now I wear a size 24 which is a 44 in plus size.

My legs and feet swell like big balloons all the time and it hurts when I walk up and down my basement stairs. What can I do please help me. Weighing in at 244 lbs is very bad for me. I think my next resort is to buy diet pills or something that will flush out my system. I am going totally crazy now. emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SLIMLILA 3/11/2014 8:22PM

    Wow, I am so glad I talked to you earlier... what amazing responses you got here, they were truly inspiring to me too.... emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ESHARA43 3/11/2014 2:39PM

    Thank you so much ladies. I have read your post and I understand now that I am worth it and I will try again because I am not only doing this for me but for my dad. He wants to see his little girl thin again and I want it more than anything. I am going to start by not putting myself down and telling myself that i am a failure because I know its not me. My weight has always been my main goal and baby I worth it . I am going to sit down and focus on what I want and I will succeed. Like you all say baby steps at first and for me baby steps it will be. emoticon

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SIEGRID 3/11/2014 12:34PM

    NEVER EVER CALL YOURSELF A FAILURE!!!!! You have already taken the first step by writing this blog. The other ladies here have written excellent advise. Stand up to your family and tell them THAT YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!!! The rest will follow.....
We may be cyber friends, but we are all here for you...

emoticon .

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NEWMOON 3/11/2014 8:21AM

    There is no such thing as failure. Not at this. You are trying. You tried just as hard to stop yourself as you did when you had a day when you ate healthy.

This thing we have with's complicated and it's so much more about what's in our heads than most people know.

You needed comfort. You just happened to pick food for it, as I have so many many times.

Unless someone has these issues with food, they probably don't understand.

I know it's really hard when you have little to no support in "real life". I am the same. My support comes from this website.

Do not look back. All you have is this moment. One moment at a time. Don't waste your time dwelling on what happened and why. You already know.

And it's hard, but for now, don't spend your time thinking about the future. It's important to have goals, and hopes and dreams, but right now, try to stay focused to the present.

At this moment, if you're choosing to use food for comfort, choose to stop. Put it down. If you have food in the house that is going to scream your name, get rid of it. I don't know your situation...if you have other people in the house that are adults and they are insisting on eating foods that you know aren't healthy and are triggers for you, nicely inform them that if they have to eat it, they need to eat it OUTSIDE OF THE HOUSE. They can keep it at work, in their car, anywhere but in your house. Tell them, in all seriousness, that you are killing yourself slowly with these foods and for now, you cannot have them anywhere near you. Tell them to think of you as a drug addict and those items are like drugs. They might laugh or make fun of you if they are that unsupportive, but be strong. It's your life. If you aren't going to save yourself, they are not going to help.

You are not asking for them to give them up, but they should at least support you enough to not have them around you.

I know they are not supporting you, but you can no longer wait for them to change. They are going to do what they are going to do.

If your boyfriend put heavy stuff on your treadmill, ask him to remove it. Show them that they are wrong. Tell him you need it and then use it. Prove to them that you KNOW you are worth it, even if they doubt you.

Besides, you don't need a treadmill to exercise. Of course, you know that. But I would still make him move his stuff. If he won't and it's too heavy for just you, get someone else to help you lift it. There is always a way.

You can do it. If the support here is not enough, look for it in your community. There are groups of people like Overeaters Anonymous, and I think they have meetings pretty much every day, somewhere. I'm sure there is information on their website.

You might also want to think about counseling. My therapist is amazing. She specializes in food issues and she has helped me find my strength.

Those voices that are telling you that you can't do this, or that you are a "failure", whether they come from people or from yourself are liars. You can tell them that. Tell them they are wrong. Because they are.

It's time for you to step up and get what you want. It's time for you to be your own hero.

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RUBYSNANA 3/11/2014 8:14AM

    I am so sorry that you are struggling right now. So many of us are on this same roller coaster……lose weight…..put weight back on, and it is so discouraging, especially when those closest to us are not supportive. But, we need to do this for ourselves. We deserve to be healthy. This is all about us. It is not easy, but even small changes over a longer period of time will make a difference.

Have you considered signing up for the spark coach program. I have been considering it. I think it might give me the incentive I need and help keep me accountable. It would be a support system that might make a difference and I believe it is free.

I will be thinking of you and hoping that you won't give up on yourself. emoticon emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 3/11/2014 8:16:09 AM

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BABYSOX 3/11/2014 6:07AM

    You are already succeeding by writing a blog. That shows that you are very strong and that you want to succeed. You need to get healthy for yourself and no one else. Once your mind is set that you want to get healthy, your body will follow and you will not allow any excuses to stop you. emoticon

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STRONG_SARAH 3/11/2014 3:58AM

    And by the way, please don't talk bad to yourself, you wouldn't say that to your best friend, would you? emoticon

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STRONG_SARAH 3/11/2014 3:57AM

    Walk up and down the stairs as much as you can. When it hurts, stop, but when it stops hurting, start again. I know, it doesn't sound like fun, but it works, and you won't need your treadmill.
I know things seem bleak, but the sun will be coming out soon, spring is almost here and maybe that will inspire you. You can do it! You just have to decide to.

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ISLENAA 3/11/2014 2:36AM

  tough love...

if your life depended on it (and it does) would do what needs doing. you know what to do and this site is filled with everything you need to get going. just need to put it into action sis.

is it simple??? fk NO, but it's worth it and so are YOU!

sometimes wanting something badly, is not the same as being ready to do the work but when we're ready...NOTHING can stop us except ourselves.

all the best sis. I know you can do it. emoticon

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