ESHARA43   20,558
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Will Things Ever Change For Me

Thursday, June 05, 2014

The week has been so busy for me and I swear I lost weight because I have been busy keeping my house clean and now I have to trash it because my landlord is getting painters in on monday to paint and then they will be putting in new windows and remodeling my bathroom so there will not be any mold in the house.

Then I will have to work harder to get it all cleaned up again so my son can come home for home visits. But I wish to god that he was coming home for good. I also cleaned my treadmill off so I can finally get back on it.

This is my plan for the rest of the week

Breakfast at 8:00 a.m
Treadmill at 8:30 a.m
Cleaning starting at 9:00 a.m
Laundry at 9:30 a.m
yard work from 10:00 a.m to 12:00 p.m
Lunch at 12:00 p.m
Treadmill at 12:30 p.m
more cleaning from 1:00 p.m to 4 p.m
Then dinner at 4:30 p.m
Treadmill and exercises until 7:00 p.m
finally resting at 7:30 to 10:00 p.m
Bed by 11:00 p.m

That will be everyday then will repeat the process

I have to keep myself busy because my husband cant help me anymore since he took a heart attack more than once. ( 8 mild ones in 2 days). So now it is up to me and my older son to keep things clean and tidy.

I just hope that I am not wasting my time with this because it will kill me if I am. I have no more faith because my faith was taken away when my son was taken. emoticon

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ZRIE014 6/5/2014 12:31AM

  keep it up

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Feeling is so lonely

Thursday, May 08, 2014

Well my heart was ripped out of my chest today because social services and child protection came to my house while I was away shopping for groceries and paying bills and took my son away from me and placed him a foster home. I feel so alone without him. I know he was having problems and was depressed and suffered from anxiety but that was no excuse to take him away. I never even had the chance to say goodbye to him.

I know it is for his own good but it hurts so much, he didnt want to go to school everyday because of his depression and anxiety and he was dealing with it. I am so lonely and I know that I will never sleep until he is home in my arms again. My son is only 13 years old and talked about killing himself but was only joking about it.

I dont know what to do anymore because I cant stand to be away from him like this he is my whole world and it hurts me so badly. My dog is even lonely without my son around. I cant even stop crying now and I know I will not sleep tonight.

Sunday is mothers day and my 2 boys was going to make me breakfast in bed but now that wont happen.

So lonely and depressed

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

POSITIVEHOPE 5/9/2014 12:57AM

    All you can do is stay strong. The pain you are feeling is unimaginable. You will see him again. The court process will bring you together so you will know how he is doing. Live for those moments. Find someone to help you and your other son with your feelings.
His problems with depression and anxiety sound serious and require outside help to overcome. Suicide thoughts are never a joke. I pray you all get the help you need.

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Feeling So truly Inspired

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Today I feel so inspired by a true friend. She helped me see that my goal is my own and to do it for me and not for everyone else. I feel that I can do anything as long as I set my mind to it. I can feel that my heart soul body and spirit is starting to work as one now because I want to reach my goal no matter how long it takes and how hard it will be for me. Every thing I have tried so far has failed and I know now that failure is part of success and for me success is what i want from this journey.

I realized that I have been hard on myself and I know now that its not right to put myself down all the time. I plan to look at my goals and change things up a little. Instead of setting goals that will take forever to accomplish I plan to set small goals first and when I reach one of them I will reward myself with something that I enjoy.

My goals are ridiculously set to high like losing 75 lbs by July I think it should be 75 lbs by January 2015 instead. I am planning on losing atleast 30 by July instead because that is almost the amount that I put on in the last few months.

I will succeed at this no matter what others think of me especially my family. I want to feel good about myself and be able to look in the mirror and say I did it. I want to see my waist line again and see my chest smaller and even have my legs stronger. I will do this my way. A good friend once told me that if you want it bad enough then go for it and you know she was right. Now she is with god in heaven and I miss her because we started this journey together. Her heart was pure gold and now I hold her in my heart and I think of the day when we walked 3 city blocks together. That is will never happen again because I dont like to walk alone.

I am walking this new journey alone so I can clean the bad thoughts I have been feeling as you could tell from my last blog. My mind has been poisoned for so long that I lost track of who I am and what I want out of life.

I swear that I will get my act together and start looking towards a better future for me and only me. I am what counts and not my family who has put me down for so long.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NEWMOON 3/12/2014 10:06AM

    So glad to hear that you've found yourself again.

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SLIMLILA 3/11/2014 8:05PM

    YEAH!!!! Now just gotta follow through and neither of us to let our main "balloon-burster' get to us....right???!!!!

I found that setting a goal of a certain weight didn't work for me... guess that's why I am back up 25 lbs.... maybe it should be to NOT go up ...... I have to set goals .....soon..... and spring's gotta come too.... I have to get out and walk and I think it's gotta be a schedule that I follow, like getting through that FIRST day of staying on track and maybe going for a walk after supper instead of eating.......

For some reason my leg is swollen tonite, wonder if I am just have sympathy pains for you?
Keep us posted and "let's get physical" as the old song says... Get that treadmill cleaned off and put it to the use you bought it for!!!

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SISSYFEB48 3/11/2014 5:51PM

    You can do this for YOURSELF! You are worth it. Make small goals that you know are small step at a time. Do something concrete that reminds you that you are making changes in your life. Something like a sticker on a calendar when you exercise or eat can come up with what will inspire you the best. Keep up the reinforcing positive self talk....even when it might feel silly, or not true. You must become your own best friend, your own motivator. You can do it! emoticon
Here is a spark article that might help inspire you as well:

Comment edited on: 3/11/2014 6:14:04 PM

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GRACILU 3/11/2014 4:47PM

    I am very proud of you! Keep up this self-encouragement and you will succeed. As I read this blog entry, it was as if I was reading my intimate thoughts. Thank you for posting this. It has helped me to achieve my goals.

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Tuesday, March 11, 2014

emoticon Well here I am again failing at the one thing that I wanted more than anything in this world. I have been so depressed lately and I know that when I am depressed I eat everything in sight. Everything from chips to popcorn. I havent got the will power to take and do this again because I know I will fail again. I hate the way I feel and the way I look. I even covered up my mirror in my room and I stopped stepping on the scale because I know what it will read when I step on it.

I have tried to eat right and exercise each day but I have a family that puts me down for everything I try. My next step is starving myself but I know what you will all say so that is no good for me. I am sorry for this but I want to take the time i need to put everything in perspective again so I am going to think of what is more important to me. My health or my family I cant have it both. I need to be strong and be able to see my future the way it should be. I know that I have all of you behind me cheering me on but its not enough for me. I have to hold my head up high and realize my dreams will never come true because I dont have my family behind me. I love that I can come in here and post blogs about my feelings and what I want but I am failing and I hate it.

I cant even get on my treadmill because my boyfriend packed stuff on it again and I havent got the strength to move it. I lay awake each and every night thinking about what my family is doing to me. and it is not enough to have them help me around the house and tell me that they are there for me because I know they are not.

I need to sit somewhere quiet and think about my life and what I want to accomplish from it. My goal has not changed but I hate restarting this all the time. I need to lose weight in a hurry because I have a reunion to go to this summer and I dont need my boyfriends family seeing me fat and ugly. I use to fit into a size 20 jeans but now I wear a size 24 which is a 44 in plus size.

My legs and feet swell like big balloons all the time and it hurts when I walk up and down my basement stairs. What can I do please help me. Weighing in at 244 lbs is very bad for me. I think my next resort is to buy diet pills or something that will flush out my system. I am going totally crazy now. emoticon

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SLIMLILA 3/11/2014 8:22PM

    Wow, I am so glad I talked to you earlier... what amazing responses you got here, they were truly inspiring to me too.... emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ESHARA43 3/11/2014 2:39PM

    Thank you so much ladies. I have read your post and I understand now that I am worth it and I will try again because I am not only doing this for me but for my dad. He wants to see his little girl thin again and I want it more than anything. I am going to start by not putting myself down and telling myself that i am a failure because I know its not me. My weight has always been my main goal and baby I worth it . I am going to sit down and focus on what I want and I will succeed. Like you all say baby steps at first and for me baby steps it will be. emoticon

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SIEGRID 3/11/2014 12:34PM

    NEVER EVER CALL YOURSELF A FAILURE!!!!! You have already taken the first step by writing this blog. The other ladies here have written excellent advise. Stand up to your family and tell them THAT YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!!! The rest will follow.....
We may be cyber friends, but we are all here for you...

emoticon .

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NEWMOON 3/11/2014 8:21AM

    There is no such thing as failure. Not at this. You are trying. You tried just as hard to stop yourself as you did when you had a day when you ate healthy.

This thing we have with's complicated and it's so much more about what's in our heads than most people know.

You needed comfort. You just happened to pick food for it, as I have so many many times.

Unless someone has these issues with food, they probably don't understand.

I know it's really hard when you have little to no support in "real life". I am the same. My support comes from this website.

Do not look back. All you have is this moment. One moment at a time. Don't waste your time dwelling on what happened and why. You already know.

And it's hard, but for now, don't spend your time thinking about the future. It's important to have goals, and hopes and dreams, but right now, try to stay focused to the present.

At this moment, if you're choosing to use food for comfort, choose to stop. Put it down. If you have food in the house that is going to scream your name, get rid of it. I don't know your situation...if you have other people in the house that are adults and they are insisting on eating foods that you know aren't healthy and are triggers for you, nicely inform them that if they have to eat it, they need to eat it OUTSIDE OF THE HOUSE. They can keep it at work, in their car, anywhere but in your house. Tell them, in all seriousness, that you are killing yourself slowly with these foods and for now, you cannot have them anywhere near you. Tell them to think of you as a drug addict and those items are like drugs. They might laugh or make fun of you if they are that unsupportive, but be strong. It's your life. If you aren't going to save yourself, they are not going to help.

You are not asking for them to give them up, but they should at least support you enough to not have them around you.

I know they are not supporting you, but you can no longer wait for them to change. They are going to do what they are going to do.

If your boyfriend put heavy stuff on your treadmill, ask him to remove it. Show them that they are wrong. Tell him you need it and then use it. Prove to them that you KNOW you are worth it, even if they doubt you.

Besides, you don't need a treadmill to exercise. Of course, you know that. But I would still make him move his stuff. If he won't and it's too heavy for just you, get someone else to help you lift it. There is always a way.

You can do it. If the support here is not enough, look for it in your community. There are groups of people like Overeaters Anonymous, and I think they have meetings pretty much every day, somewhere. I'm sure there is information on their website.

You might also want to think about counseling. My therapist is amazing. She specializes in food issues and she has helped me find my strength.

Those voices that are telling you that you can't do this, or that you are a "failure", whether they come from people or from yourself are liars. You can tell them that. Tell them they are wrong. Because they are.

It's time for you to step up and get what you want. It's time for you to be your own hero.

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RUBYSNANA 3/11/2014 8:14AM

    I am so sorry that you are struggling right now. So many of us are on this same roller coaster……lose weight…..put weight back on, and it is so discouraging, especially when those closest to us are not supportive. But, we need to do this for ourselves. We deserve to be healthy. This is all about us. It is not easy, but even small changes over a longer period of time will make a difference.

Have you considered signing up for the spark coach program. I have been considering it. I think it might give me the incentive I need and help keep me accountable. It would be a support system that might make a difference and I believe it is free.

I will be thinking of you and hoping that you won't give up on yourself. emoticon emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 3/11/2014 8:16:09 AM

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BABYSOX 3/11/2014 6:07AM

    You are already succeeding by writing a blog. That shows that you are very strong and that you want to succeed. You need to get healthy for yourself and no one else. Once your mind is set that you want to get healthy, your body will follow and you will not allow any excuses to stop you. emoticon

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STRONG_SARAH 3/11/2014 3:58AM

    And by the way, please don't talk bad to yourself, you wouldn't say that to your best friend, would you? emoticon

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STRONG_SARAH 3/11/2014 3:57AM

    Walk up and down the stairs as much as you can. When it hurts, stop, but when it stops hurting, start again. I know, it doesn't sound like fun, but it works, and you won't need your treadmill.
I know things seem bleak, but the sun will be coming out soon, spring is almost here and maybe that will inspire you. You can do it! You just have to decide to.

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ISLENAA 3/11/2014 2:36AM

  tough love...

if your life depended on it (and it does) would do what needs doing. you know what to do and this site is filled with everything you need to get going. just need to put it into action sis.

is it simple??? fk NO, but it's worth it and so are YOU!

sometimes wanting something badly, is not the same as being ready to do the work but when we're ready...NOTHING can stop us except ourselves.

all the best sis. I know you can do it. emoticon

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My Big Mistake

Saturday, January 18, 2014

Have you ever had a feeling that you think you have a goal plan figured out in your mind and then life throws you a curve ball and it all fails miserably well that is the way I have been feeling lately.

I had this planned out from day one then it all goes down hill for me. I had a plan that I was going to lose weight and at first it was working then the stress took hold again because I slipped which was a big mistake. I started to feel like this was going to go wrong and I was right. It started just before November when I found out that my weight didn't change much. Yes I lost weight but not as much as I thought, I had it figured out that it went down by 30 lbs and when I found out that it only went down by 7 lbs I was devastated. Here I am fighting harder then I have ever done before and not seeing any results at all.

I know that I have to work harder then ever now because it is the new year and my goal is only set to July and I want to lose 75 lbs before the end of July but I know I have to reset my goal again. I want to see the weight come off and I want to see my waist line again as well as see myself in a mirror again too but that will never happen either. I know I shouldn't be hard on myself but it is the way I am feeling right now.

I think that it is time for someone to give me a kick in the butt and tell me to stop feeling sorry for myself and to start over so that is what I am going to do. Starting On Monday morning I am going to get up at 6:00 am and eat breakfast with my son before he goes to school and after he is gone I will go down to my basement and clean my emoticon off and get on it for 30 minutes to start the day off right. I will then do some emoticon exercises and use my emoticon as well. I will then go back up stairs and clean my house and have lunch and then go down stairs again and do laundry and while the laundry is washing I will get on my emoticon for the second time for another 30 minutes.

This way I will be active and exercising at the same time. I will then have dinner ready for the family before 5:00 pm do dishes then go down stairs and get on my emoticon for the 3rd time and walk for another 30 minutes until the laundry is done washing then put it in the dryer and then do some ab crunches emoticon along with some Zumba,
If I can keep this up for a week straight then I know it will help me. I hate feeling like I am going to fail at this. I see you all losing weight and being excited about it then I look at myself and realize that I can have my goal come true as well only if I work harder at it.
I have told myself a lot lately that I shouldn't listen to what my boyfriend says anymore because he doesn't see how depressed I get when I can't lose this weight. He thinks that I should sit on my butt all day and do nothing but that is not me I want to be active all the time or I will not accomplish my goal. I want this more than anything in this world.

I have cut a lot of stuff out of my diet lately and have gotten in the habit of eating things that are healthy for me and I have even thought about cutting out certain meats that are high is sodium and fats. I haven't had a slice of ham in a long time because I was told not to by my doctor's and I feel good about it because I can make ham sandwiches for my family and not be tempted to eat it myself. I haven't even had bacon for a long time either but I think I am going to buy some turkey bacon so I can make BLT's for lunch.

I Susan Walsh plan to start my goal over again and keep at it until I see results. I plan to weigh myself at the end of each week and record how much I weigh at then end of the week. Wish me luck

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SLIMLILA 1/18/2014 11:54PM

    Well, my friend, glad to see you around here again. I had been thinking of you lately and hoped to hear from you.

No, no, no, It wasn;t a Big Mistake, it was wishful hoping, but we have to remember we can't change everything overnite and we have to stop beating ourselves up when we aren't perfect and don't get it all right..

Wow, you have so many great ideas, but it is so easy to get let down when we have too much on our plate (feeble attempt at a joke!), I mean when we try to do too much... I was kicking myself this weekend, and then in yesterday's walk, I realized it was our third walk this week, and then that encouraged me to get out for another walk today, before the big snow storm hits tonite...

I got on track last week and was feeling really good about what I was eating, and then the chocolate binges and ice cream binges hit, cuz I added one thing too many onto my schedule... started the university course last week, and class being at 1, I get picked up short of noon, which throws off all my meals.... So, I decided it's time I get up earlier, so I can be on a better schedule. Two nites not sleeping right didn't help things at all.

We both know, we need to do this for ourselves, and forget what the men say or don't say... this is for us.. NOT THEM.

You know how much I walked all summer, and then when I got sick in Oct/Nov, and the rains came and then the snow, and guess what, I finished off the year, almost 3 lb (lower or higher- I'm not sure), but I deserved to be down a whole lot, I worked for it, but NOT!!!!

And now, being over 200 again, is a huge obstacle... as long as I could stay under that barrier, I was feeling somewhat successful, but let's face it, when the underwear get too tight and are uncomfortable again, that's the real truth... But, I'm back on the horse that threw me.... maybe he kicked me in the head, but i'm trying again... I know better than to say "so many pounds in so much time", cuz my body doesn't work that way.... as discouraging and frustrating as it is, I'm not giving up STILL..

Wish I could say I've learned my lesson about fad diets, but you know that's why the magazines advertise such big weight losses, cuz that's what we want to hear, and it they say "lose 11 lbs. in a week", most of us are mentally calculating, ok, in 5 weeks, we will be down 55 lbs.... you know they've got us brainwashed if we really believe that!!! But, it sells magazines, cuz we want it so bad, we will believe anything. Unfortunately, we also know the right way to do it, healthy eating, drinking our water and exercising.... I certainly had the exercise down pat last summer, but it wasn't enough..i've never walked 10 or more km a day, once a week, let alone the 4 or 5 days a week I was doing it... and I was certainly drinking my water, and much of the time my diet wasn't even that bad, but I just hadn't found the right balance...

I think we both have to find other ways to deal with our stress, cuz eating only punishes us, not them!!!

Good dietary changes with no ham or bacon... I did buy the turkey bacon myself last week, $4 on sale, and I told myself I wouldnt be doing that again... didn't have that great a taste, was more like ham, and I can buy the Schneider's super low fat stuff with a whole lot less calories.

I'm sure this is enough of a lecture book for the nite, call me soon.

Comment edited on: 1/18/2014 11:58:56 PM

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ANGRITTER 1/18/2014 1:47PM

    I agree with the others that 75 pounds in 6 months is a lot of weight to lose. I lost 60 in 8 months, and then didn't lose anything for the next 6 months. I actually gained 20 pounds by eating "normal" food in appropriate portions, but I will not live on salads and that's all I was eating. Salads with whatever meat was my folks' meal for the night. It wasn't conceivable that I will eat salads for the rest of my life, so I had to add in real food again.

But I am fighting harder with the workouts now, and I am on bed rest for my spine, but I wouldn't listen to my doc when he said I needed to take a week off. I have been riding my recumbent bike like I am providing power for the entire house! But I am still not losing, but I am gaining some REALLY muscular legs. They are solid, but my doc doesn't see that. He just tells me to eat less. (Big dummy!)

So I hope it works out for you. Love that you have a plan set out and if you stick to it, it could happen. Just don't be so disappointed when you lose less than you expected. It's depressing and demotivating. So keep you chin up and kick butt!

You rock, regardless of your weight because you have a plan and are trying. And that is half the battle (like GI Joe used to say!).

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CATTUTT 1/18/2014 12:32PM

    It sounds like you're hoping for too much too fast, maybe? 75 lbs in 6 months is a lot of weight to lose so fast. It's good to have goals, just don't beat yourself up if you don't make it.

Good job on recommitting, though. That's where it all starts, with commitment.

Good luck!

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ESHARA43 1/18/2014 12:30PM

    Thanks everyone for your support and encouragement. I will take what you say to heart and do as you say because to me my healthy is very important right now and my boyfriend is a little over weight. He still thinks that i dont need to lose weight but it isnt him carrying the extra weight like I am. he weighs 209 lbs and i weight 235 lbs so it is easy for him to say things that hurt. i love you all very much my friends thanks for being there for me. emoticon

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    Susan, I think the issue here is lack of support on the home front with the boyfriend. You need to join a group of like minded women near where you live. Is your boyfriend overweight? He may be afraid of losing you or thinking you'll make him lose weight also.

Stop being so dam hard on yourself. Your an army of one against a multitude of your patterns in life. You can't re-do yourself overnight and this is a lifestyle not a race to the finish.

I do realize that it is easy to be an eager-beaver when we are motivated by guilt and disgust. Been there done that many times. But the factors which manifest in our program are the same that trigger our actions.

Be gentle and loving with you first and foremost. Again, join a supportive group near where you live. Have a solid talk with the boyfriend. Take incremental steps to a healthier life. Spark as much as you can.

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MYSTIQALWOLF 1/18/2014 3:16AM

    Take it one day at a time. Not all goals will be reached at the time you want to reach them but you will be that much closer and a small victory is just as important as the big ones. emoticon

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COLLEENROSTE 1/18/2014 2:58AM

    Susan Walsh, I applaud your goal statement. You CAN do this. You have the eating figured out. You drink your water. You are actively seeking opportunities to move your feet!!! NEVER, EVER, EVER let yourself get discouraged by small frequent amounts- they really do add up. I have had to readjust my own goal date more times than I care to admit-- but I am only planning on losing the weight once, so the journey has to fit my life ( and the life of my family) so, as long as it takes, as long as the weight is heading in the right direction- is okay with me. Will you join me on the race of emoticon emoticon emoticon to the finish line?

ps I have converted my whole family to turkey bacon and they actually prefer it now

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LJCANNON 1/18/2014 2:53AM

    emoticon As hard as it is, A Lifestyle Change takes Time. Making lots of Big Changes makes it even Harder. Celebrate your Small Victories and Be Patient. You are on the Right Path.
emoticon Baby Steps will take you toward your Goals faster than Giant Leaps.

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