Tuesday, April 22, 2014
I'm pretty sure the Universe was testing my new resolve to start running again, as my Day 1 of Couch to 5k went something like this:
Fly home from work, throw on my running clothes and immediately burst into tears at how they fit b/c I've gained all 30lbs back that I'd previously lost.
Fight with my interval watch b/c I can't remember how it worked, then more tears at the realization that it has been so long since I ran last that I actually FORGOT how to use it!
Moan to the boyfriend, "Putting on these running clothes makes me feel sooooo sad at how much ground I've lost after I worked so hard," then feel VERY uplifted when he cheerily says, "Well let's get out there and get it back then!!"
Head out with our dogs for our warm-up walk and get attacked by a snarling, growling, barking, giant, fricking BEAST of a dog that looked more like a bear....
(this is not the actual dog, but this is EXACTLY what the one who attacked us looked like!)
...with his teeth bared and snarling at us; get tangled in our leashes trying to reel our dogs in and get pulled to the ground in some poor lady's driveway, screaming and shrieking at the top of my lungs like a woman in a horror show being attacked by a crazed maniac with a knife. Then try to stand up after neighbor gets ahold of his dog again but find that I can't b/c I'm sobbing and still tangled in the leashes and my adrenalin is pumping so hard I can't stand so I fall back down and hit my head on same poor lady's car.
Get up and limp off, still crying while Christer tries to comfort me and our dogs prance on like nothing happened. Drop the pups off at the house, put ointment on the leash burns on my bare legs and the road rash on my hand and say, "I don't give a crap about all that just happened, I am going to run, dammit!" And I did. And boy, am I ever out of shape! LOL But nothing was going to stop me today.
Epilogue: Let me reassure you that I am laughing about all of this now, though none of it was funny at the time! LOL And other than my leash burns, nobody was hurt by the mean dog and after our run I stopped and rang the guy's doorbell to shake his hand and tell him no hard feelings. He promises to keep his dog inside or on a leash from now on. Thank you, sir!
(not even a giant, snarling, "bear-dog!!" :)
Saturday, November 23, 2013
I've been talking with a friend lately about one of my biggest struggles: using hurdles/obstacles/roadblocks as an excuse or reason to give up on something I am working towards. And what goes on in my head when I do hit an obstacle sounds something like this: See? Whenever you try to reach your goal, something always happens to stop you. You aren't worthy of achieving this goal, and this is just a sign of your unworthiness and that this path isn't for you. Might as well just give up, because you can't do this. Oh, and might as well also save yourself from this pain in the future too, by never even starting up any other goals because you aren't worthy of those, either and you will always be stopped by these obstacles/signs. I don't think all of this consciously, but in listening more to my inner dialogue more lately I am realizing how I talk like this to myself.
But after talking with my friend John about this and committing to changing this behavior of mine, I had my first test today:
Today was my second day of using the "energy lamp" that my sister bought me when moving from AZ to SD, given my depression issues. Yesterday was great; it was amazing how much it really did help with my mood/energy. So I plugged it in today enthusiastically and guess what? It died. Just like that. Poof. Dead. Aaargh!!
I felt the old thinking patterns come up, "Are you kidding me?! I find something that helps me and it dies after only TWO uses?? Crap! Must be another sign!"
But this time, I caught myself in the middle of this pissy, negative self talk and did something different: Plan B.
First I went through the manuals entire troubleshooting guide; nothing. Then I went to their website to get their phone number, but they are not staffed on weekends. Crud. Still not giving up, I went to their "contact us: link and found that I could send an inquiry directly to their company. Recognizing that the emailed inquiry won't likely be handled any faster than calling them on Monday, I sent one anyway. I didn't want to wait until Monday to give myself two full days to talk myself out of action and into giving up like I have in the past. So I sent them an inquiry that stated that yes, the unit is one year old but was only used TWICE and it is unacceptable that it died and that I expect assistance with a replacement unit.
Who knows how they respond. And I don't even care if they refuse to replace it, I will just move on to the next step by purchasing a new one...from a new company. But the point is that instead of letting it get me down and discourage me that something positive I was doing for my health hit an obstacle ALREADY, I moved on and took action.
Might not seem like much to many of you, but for me it was HUGE. The more I practice moving past obstacles in little ways like this, the better prepared I will be when I hit big ones later on, like running injuries, etc.
I am really quite proud of myself! :)
Friday, November 22, 2013
I've been gone from SP so long now, I have no idea how many of my sparkfriends are even still out there or will see this. I think part of the reason I've been away so long is feeling such a large amount of shame for losing my way so badly, and for so long....
I had been doing so well; sparking all the time, eating well, running and doing races, etc, until my hip injury. And I just felt so disappointed and deflated that I gave up. WAY up. I gained back all of the 30 lbs I'd lost (and then some), nearly reaching my highest weight again. In the past couple of months I've taken about 12 of them off again but really want to get back on track.
My biggest need is to find a way to not give up when I hit snags like a running injury. When I come across a hurdle, I think somewhere deep in my psyche I say, "Well, there you have it...the sign you just KNEW was coming...the one that says you are not good enough to do this and you don't deserve success and health, so you may as well just give up right now!" And so I do. And then I heap the guilt and shame on top of it, and it's a perfect recipe for failure.
I don't want to fail anymore though. I loved loved LOVED how good I felt when I was running and being healthy. I had energy and vitality. I felt accomplished. Nothing in my life has ever felt OR tasted as good as crossing that very first 5k finish line did.
So why is it so hard to get going again? And why do I give up at the first sign of hurdles?? Sigh. Those are the things I'm mulling over now, but at the same time, it's like an awesome therapist once told me, "Erika, sometimes you have to give up knowing the WHY behind everything....you won't always get the answer. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't keep trying to overcome the setbacks just b/c you don't always understand why you do the things you do." Yep. THAT.
So here I am. I have no idea how I will use SP this time around, whether I will track daily or spin the wheel or use the videos, message boards, teams, etc, or if I will just be here for the support component. In addition to needing to reconnect with lost Sparkfriends here b/c I need support badly, I also want to be back here to OFFER my support to others...b/c when I was doing that, when I was sharing my support and encouragement with others who needed it, I also found myself more willing to share it with myself. I heard my words to others and could apply them to myself.
So there you have it. I am back, in some fashion or another, the extent TBD :) But I have missed you all and your wonderful friendships, and I am sorry I walked away for as long as I did. And I just dearly, truly hope that some of you are still around and would like to catch up. B/c I have missed you all!!! :)
A quick update on regular stuff: Christer defended his thesis and got his degree. We moved to Rapid City almost a year ago and I'm working on forming a community here and finding my way. I'm not crazy about my job; really tired of customer service. So I'm thinking of going back to school for paralegal. Not sure yet. We love the area here; it is very beautiful in the Black Hills! I'm working more on my art and enjoying that as well.
Looking forward to catching up with you all!!
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