ERLYWA   7,387
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Being tested

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

I'm pretty sure the Universe was testing my new resolve to start running again, as my Day 1 of Couch to 5k went something like this:

Fly home from work, throw on my running clothes and immediately burst into tears at how they fit b/c I've gained all 30lbs back that I'd previously lost.

Fight with my interval watch b/c I can't remember how it worked, then more tears at the realization that it has been so long since I ran last that I actually FORGOT how to use it!

Moan to the boyfriend, "Putting on these running clothes makes me feel sooooo sad at how much ground I've lost after I worked so hard," then feel VERY uplifted when he cheerily says, "Well let's get out there and get it back then!!"

Head out with our dogs for our warm-up walk and get attacked by a snarling, growling, barking, giant, fricking BEAST of a dog that looked more like a bear....



(this is not the actual dog, but this is EXACTLY what the one who attacked us looked like!)


...with his teeth bared and snarling at us; get tangled in our leashes trying to reel our dogs in and get pulled to the ground in some poor lady's driveway, screaming and shrieking at the top of my lungs like a woman in a horror show being attacked by a crazed maniac with a knife. Then try to stand up after neighbor gets ahold of his dog again but find that I can't b/c I'm sobbing and still tangled in the leashes and my adrenalin is pumping so hard I can't stand so I fall back down and hit my head on same poor lady's car.

Get up and limp off, still crying while Christer tries to comfort me and our dogs prance on like nothing happened. Drop the pups off at the house, put ointment on the leash burns on my bare legs and the road rash on my hand and say, "I don't give a crap about all that just happened, I am going to run, dammit!" And I did. And boy, am I ever out of shape! LOL But nothing was going to stop me today.

The End.

Epilogue: Let me reassure you that I am laughing about all of this now, though none of it was funny at the time! LOL And other than my leash burns, nobody was hurt by the mean dog and after our run I stopped and rang the guy's doorbell to shake his hand and tell him no hard feelings. He promises to keep his dog inside or on a leash from now on. Thank you, sir!




(not even a giant, snarling, "bear-dog!!" :)


  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LUCKYDUCK2 4/28/2014 4:25PM

    I am so glad you and your dogs survived that attack! WTG for getting back out there.

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TRAVELGRRL 4/27/2014 1:34PM

    Good job, girl! You can do this!

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MSLZZY 4/26/2014 11:03PM

    What a day!

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SNATCHCARRIE 4/24/2014 3:08PM

    I was thinking of you while I was on the treadmill yesterday and today. Thanks for your kind words on my SparkPage, btw.

I've been slowly, very very slowly getting myself back into shape after having not one, but two babies in the last two years. Crazy times! Wonderful times! But very hard on my body and fitness and free time. It's so discouraging not being anywhere near as fit as I was pre-baby. I've gained back almost all the weight I had lost before having my two wonderful boys. And it seems so much harder this time to lose it.

So I've started slow on our treadmill. Just two months ago I could only go 1.2 kms in 20 mins, mostly walking. I've been taking a pic at the end of each session and went scrolling back through them today. And wow, what a difference just a few outings makes! Some weeks I haven't made it to the treadmill at all. And some weeks I get on it two or even three times. But in two short months I have gone from 1.2 kms and being exhausted after 20 mins to 2.8 kms in 27 mins mostly jogging with energy still to burn! I know 2.8 kms is nothing to write home about, but it's pretty awesome to me and that's all I need.

So seriously, get out there. Do something. Whatever you can manage that day. Some days will be better than others. But over time you'll have more good days than frustrating days. And two months down the road you'll be surprised how far you've come in such a short time.

You've inspired me, so to keep my treadmill adventures interesting I've looked up a Couch-to-5k plan to do on the treadmill. Just for something different/new to do the next few weeks. Should be fun!

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WINNIE1978 4/23/2014 6:37PM

    emoticon

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REALLY_ROBIN 4/23/2014 12:13PM

    Just think this will be the very worst day....it's all going to be gaining momentum from here. Well done lady!

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NATPLUMMER 4/23/2014 9:59AM

    emoticon

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HGSGUY 4/23/2014 9:17AM

    Wow! Good job at getting past the bad part and on to the better part. So glad you didn't go home and not do the run!

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SNATCHCARRIE 4/23/2014 7:29AM

    Woohoo! You rock girl. I would have gone home and cried. But you went for your run despite all the drama. FANTASTIC. emoticon

Looking forward to hearing your updates on how the 5k running program is going. Keep us posted!

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SPEEDY143 4/22/2014 10:40PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon AND you made some memories emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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DDOORN 4/22/2014 9:42PM

    Whew! I am a huge fan of keeping it simple...no fancy gadgets for me...just a wristwatch to keep a ball park idea and my mp3 player...a teensy Sansa clip...my iPhone is too much to haul along on a run...at least for me!

The main point is just getting out there, right? You NAILED IT!

Go YOU! :-)

Don

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RUN4FOOD 4/22/2014 9:34PM

    Quite the determination. Keep that attitude and you'll have no problem getting back in shape.

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LIFEASMRSA 4/22/2014 9:16PM

    what an amazing attitude you have!!! nothing was going to stop you today! emoticon

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SUZZQ4LIFE 4/22/2014 9:01PM

    You are strong and can make it through even tougher times. Keep those feet running and you'll get those extra pounds off like you did before. It's a new day and set your sight on those wonderful goals.

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PINKHONEYLILY 4/22/2014 8:56PM

    What a wonderful way to keep a positive attitude emoticon

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Afraid

Monday, April 21, 2014

Of what?
Failing again?
Getting injured again?
Putting on my running gear and finding I have to wear the larger sizes again b/c the smaller sizes I had worked my way into no longer fit?
Feeling like a fraud for thinking I can actually do it and be successful?
Or that my time was back in 2011 when I was successfully running races before injuries deflated me and I gave up, and I don't deserve to have that success again?
Or that, even though I did so well with my running and weight loss back then, that I won't be able to do it again?
Or that I will learn that I just.don't.have.what.it.takes to succeed?

I don't know what this fear gnawing at my insides is today. Maybe a little bit of all of that.

But what I DO know is that my boyfriend found a mobile app for Couch to 5k and asked me to do it with him, so I said yes.
Because I am very worried about his health as well as mine and I really miss all of the fun we had working out together.
Because I've gained back every single pound (all 30 of them) that I'd lost back when I was running, and then some.

And because I am heading into a danger zone with my weight that I have never flirted with before and it scares the heck out of me even more than all those other fears I listed.

So tomorrow I strap on my running shoes, put on my running clothes and get my fanny back out there and have some fun! :)











  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

THELILEA 4/22/2014 6:36PM

    You can do this, girl!!! It's a life long journey, it's not a fail to have another bend in it. I know I struggle with the same feelings. We can do this!! I'm happy to see your face again around here, if that helps at all :)

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WINNIE1978 4/22/2014 6:06PM

    Been there, done that!

emoticon emoticon

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LUV2RUN72 4/22/2014 10:37AM

    emoticon

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NATPLUMMER 4/22/2014 10:23AM

    emoticon emoticon Have fun!!

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FLYER99 4/22/2014 9:56AM

    I am so happy to read of your determination. And that's what we all need.

You know that:
emoticon emoticon


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HGSGUY 4/22/2014 9:09AM

    You will do it! You know you can, so have fun on the run!

I just saw a quote..."You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face." Eleanor Roosevelt

So good to see you back on SP!

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DDOORN 4/22/2014 9:09AM

    There have been some things that have had me feeling "stuck" too...here's one of my favorite quotes on fear:

"Many of our fears are tissue paper thin, and a single courageous step would carry us clear through them."
Brendan Francis [Behan] (1923-1964) Irish Author

Onward! We can DO IT! :-)

Don

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BAZOOKABOBCAT 4/22/2014 8:45AM

    The road awaits! You can hit it and be amazing!

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MOTHEPRO 4/22/2014 6:21AM

    emoticon

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FOUNDER3 4/21/2014 11:39PM

    I love the responses before mine. It is so great to have some support.

I can identify with your fears. I too am working my way back, so I totally understand them all!

I felt the determination in your post, and just know you can do what you need to do. Glad your boyfriend is going to join you.

One day at a time, we can do this, we can do anything!

Good luck my dear.

Bonnie

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GYPSY145 4/21/2014 11:32PM

    You can and will be successful because you have the desire and dedication. Give it your all. I'm rootin' for both of you. After my recent scare, change was not an option it was a neccesity. So get a move on so you don't have to go thru that too. Love ya....XO

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SPEEDY143 4/21/2014 11:02PM

    emoticon you know the drill... baby steps lead to giant strides emoticon take your partner by the hand and let's get this emoticon started emoticon

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THECRAZYMANGO 4/21/2014 10:51PM

    YOU CAN AND WILL DO THIS!

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YMWONG22 4/21/2014 10:38PM

  Good to hear this. All the best. You can do this!
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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Unstoppable

Sunday, December 08, 2013

I am slowly starting the journey back into running after a year+ off and am having trouble staying positive with having to start so far back from where I had ended before.

This morning I was checking the local temperatures (it is -9 here, by the way! Ugh! lol) at weather.com and happened across a series of videos called "I Am Unstoppable." WOW. Talk about people pushing past barriers to achieve their goals! And MUCH bigger and more daunting barriers than I'VE ever faced, yet they did it...and with tremendous amounts of success!

I am humbled. And inspired. And ready to drop my excuses and get back to achieving my running (and other) goals!

Who knew that the Weather Channel would be the source of such tremendous inspiration? LOL

Now...watch these videos if you need inspiration, then get out there and bust past YOUR barriers! We are ALL Unstoppable if we out our minds to it!

www.weather.com/weather-films/shows/
i-am-unstoppable/ep05.html












  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DDOORN 12/9/2013 9:44AM

    Whoa! Thx for sharing...could use a big dose of "unstoppable!" :-)

Don

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HGSGUY 12/9/2013 9:16AM

    Oddly, it isn't much warmer here in Portland! Great blog! I knocked off running for about 3 months and was surprised how sore I was after a 5K run!
Good luck, I think the cold may be more of a problem than the actual running! You know you have this!

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GYPSY145 12/9/2013 8:58AM

    Still plugging along here, but need to pick up the pace. Freezing rain here for the next 2 days, so pulling the bands and pedal bike out. No stairs in the MH. Keep up the good work. Congrats on your progress.

Mom

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HONEYBEAR1461 12/9/2013 12:00AM

    It is always hard to get back on track but once you set your mind to it and get settled back into a routine you will wonder why you thought it was so hard.

Take care
Jennylee

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FITFRIT 12/8/2013 9:43PM

    emoticon

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NATPLUMMER 12/8/2013 8:15PM

    emoticon

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TRAVELGRRL 12/8/2013 7:25PM

    Love your blog! Thanks for sharing!

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SPEEDY143 12/8/2013 3:14PM

    emoticon for the link emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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RUN4FOOD 12/8/2013 2:06PM

    Thanks for sharing these videos. They are inspiring.
I wasn't able to run for about 18 months. The past 7 months have been a slow time building back up, but for me each little success motivates me to look toward the next little step.
My running is coming back. I may be at the best I'll ever do during this part of my life, but I'm okay with that. We all struggle with something. Some of us have more success than others, but we all need to keep doing or best.

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LINDAKAY228 12/8/2013 12:05PM

    Just do it! I know you can!!


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JTAMSYN 12/8/2013 12:04PM

    I agree with you. Reading other people's stories sure puts our own problems into perspective. Its like a little voice telling me: 'Stop your whining, look what others have to deal with.' Not that our problems are nothing but its a good way to help me refocus on things to be thankful for.

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A_SIZE6 12/8/2013 11:52AM

    It is 9 degrees where I am too. I am also inspired to get busy on my journey too. I likewise want to be unstoppable as well.

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KARBA29 12/8/2013 11:52AM

    I know how you feel... Building up the endurance takes so long but losing it is so fast... Just doesn't seem fair. Good luck .

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Practicing Plan B

Saturday, November 23, 2013

I've been talking with a friend lately about one of my biggest struggles: using hurdles/obstacles/roadblocks as an excuse or reason to give up on something I am working towards. And what goes on in my head when I do hit an obstacle sounds something like this: See? Whenever you try to reach your goal, something always happens to stop you. You aren't worthy of achieving this goal, and this is just a sign of your unworthiness and that this path isn't for you. Might as well just give up, because you can't do this. Oh, and might as well also save yourself from this pain in the future too, by never even starting up any other goals because you aren't worthy of those, either and you will always be stopped by these obstacles/signs. I don't think all of this consciously, but in listening more to my inner dialogue more lately I am realizing how I talk like this to myself.

But after talking with my friend John about this and committing to changing this behavior of mine, I had my first test today:

Today was my second day of using the "energy lamp" that my sister bought me when moving from AZ to SD, given my depression issues. Yesterday was great; it was amazing how much it really did help with my mood/energy. So I plugged it in today enthusiastically and guess what? It died. Just like that. Poof. Dead. Aaargh!!

I felt the old thinking patterns come up, "Are you kidding me?! I find something that helps me and it dies after only TWO uses?? Crap! Must be another sign!"
But this time, I caught myself in the middle of this pissy, negative self talk and did something different: Plan B.



First I went through the manuals entire troubleshooting guide; nothing. Then I went to their website to get their phone number, but they are not staffed on weekends. Crud. Still not giving up, I went to their "contact us: link and found that I could send an inquiry directly to their company. Recognizing that the emailed inquiry won't likely be handled any faster than calling them on Monday, I sent one anyway. I didn't want to wait until Monday to give myself two full days to talk myself out of action and into giving up like I have in the past. So I sent them an inquiry that stated that yes, the unit is one year old but was only used TWICE and it is unacceptable that it died and that I expect assistance with a replacement unit.

Who knows how they respond. And I don't even care if they refuse to replace it, I will just move on to the next step by purchasing a new one...from a new company. But the point is that instead of letting it get me down and discourage me that something positive I was doing for my health hit an obstacle ALREADY, I moved on and took action.

Might not seem like much to many of you, but for me it was HUGE. The more I practice moving past obstacles in little ways like this, the better prepared I will be when I hit big ones later on, like running injuries, etc.

I am really quite proud of myself! :)
Erika





  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DDOORN 12/5/2013 11:17AM

    Plan Bs, Cs, Ds etc...wonderful resilience!

Thx for swinging by my SparkPage!

Don

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HONEYBEAR1461 12/2/2013 2:10AM

    Good on you for not letting it get you into a negative thinking and acting on it. How did you go with the company? Did they respond?



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RUNNER12COM 11/30/2013 3:10PM

    Really, they only thing that can stop you is you. Once you get a handle on that, the sky is the limit!

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JUNESHOPE 11/28/2013 9:58PM

    emoticon Great job working through it.

We can do this! emoticon

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DAWNEDUK8 11/25/2013 4:31AM

    Great job! I have thought about buying one of those as well. I work part time for a doctor that suggests using them. I definitely get the winter blues as well. Keep going; action is better than reaction. I wouldn't even worry about waiting for them to get back to you. Just get another one and if you're lucky then they will give you a replacement and you will have a backup one, because you never know when one might act up. Good luck!

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REALLY_ROBIN 11/24/2013 10:53AM

    I recently bought a meditation CD that is filled with positive comments about living a healthy lifestyle. I've used it once and it was amazing. Now to get it on my IPod so it's easier to use, than my daughters clunky CD player. Combating negative self talk, I think, has to be out number one priority if we are to achieve our goals. And remembering that we would never talk to a friend the way we talk to ourselves. Which is ridiculous that we would ever do this to ourselves. I certainly hope the company rights the wrong of your defective energy lamp...but if not, you sound like your well on your way to defeating negative self talk!!! Cheers and hugs...Robin

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GYPSY145 11/24/2013 12:21AM

    emoticon
Mom XO

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SNATCHCARRIE 11/23/2013 2:55PM

    Good show! Sh*t happens to us all. And sometimes it's annoying to always be dealing with something, but c'est la vie. And as your posters say, keep calm and carry on and never give up. I should really look into getting one of those lamps. I've heard great things about them. And given that it gets dark up here in Canada at 5pm now, I bet it would really help.

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NATPLUMMER 11/23/2013 2:20PM

    emoticon

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Needing to start again

Friday, November 22, 2013

I've been gone from SP so long now, I have no idea how many of my sparkfriends are even still out there or will see this. I think part of the reason I've been away so long is feeling such a large amount of shame for losing my way so badly, and for so long....

I had been doing so well; sparking all the time, eating well, running and doing races, etc, until my hip injury. And I just felt so disappointed and deflated that I gave up. WAY up. I gained back all of the 30 lbs I'd lost (and then some), nearly reaching my highest weight again. In the past couple of months I've taken about 12 of them off again but really want to get back on track.

My biggest need is to find a way to not give up when I hit snags like a running injury. When I come across a hurdle, I think somewhere deep in my psyche I say, "Well, there you have it...the sign you just KNEW was coming...the one that says you are not good enough to do this and you don't deserve success and health, so you may as well just give up right now!" And so I do. And then I heap the guilt and shame on top of it, and it's a perfect recipe for failure.

I don't want to fail anymore though. I loved loved LOVED how good I felt when I was running and being healthy. I had energy and vitality. I felt accomplished. Nothing in my life has ever felt OR tasted as good as crossing that very first 5k finish line did.

So why is it so hard to get going again? And why do I give up at the first sign of hurdles?? Sigh. Those are the things I'm mulling over now, but at the same time, it's like an awesome therapist once told me, "Erika, sometimes you have to give up knowing the WHY behind everything....you won't always get the answer. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't keep trying to overcome the setbacks just b/c you don't always understand why you do the things you do." Yep. THAT.

So here I am. I have no idea how I will use SP this time around, whether I will track daily or spin the wheel or use the videos, message boards, teams, etc, or if I will just be here for the support component. In addition to needing to reconnect with lost Sparkfriends here b/c I need support badly, I also want to be back here to OFFER my support to others...b/c when I was doing that, when I was sharing my support and encouragement with others who needed it, I also found myself more willing to share it with myself. I heard my words to others and could apply them to myself.

So there you have it. I am back, in some fashion or another, the extent TBD :) But I have missed you all and your wonderful friendships, and I am sorry I walked away for as long as I did. And I just dearly, truly hope that some of you are still around and would like to catch up. B/c I have missed you all!!! :)

A quick update on regular stuff: Christer defended his thesis and got his degree. We moved to Rapid City almost a year ago and I'm working on forming a community here and finding my way. I'm not crazy about my job; really tired of customer service. So I'm thinking of going back to school for paralegal. Not sure yet. We love the area here; it is very beautiful in the Black Hills! I'm working more on my art and enjoying that as well.

Looking forward to catching up with you all!!

Love,
Erika


Note to self:






  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IMLOCOLINDA 12/4/2013 8:27PM

    emoticon

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JUNESHOPE 11/28/2013 9:55PM

    You and me both. We'll climb right back up and beat this thing once and for all!
emoticon

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DAWNEDUK8 11/24/2013 9:21PM

    Hugs!!

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SPEEDY143 11/22/2013 10:18PM

    emoticon glad to see you Sparking again emoticon emoticon

In the last 3.5 years since joining SP I lost 73 pounds... kept if off for a year, gained back 20 and have re-lost 10 of that and I never left emoticon Its a lifestyle so I'm here for the rest of my life and lovin' every day emoticon

emoticon Linda

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SNATCHCARRIE 11/22/2013 4:16PM

    I haven't been sparking either, but that's because I've been too busy having babies lol! But I'm still here and still reading your blog (I've subscribed to alerts!), so keep posting. Best wishes for a great second start. Don't worry too much how/when to start, just start something so you're heading in the right direction. Then let it evolve into whatever you need to do/try next. All the best!

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REALLY_ROBIN 11/22/2013 1:36PM

    I'm so glad you are back. I too have gained almost all of my weight back and dealing with the loathed plantar fasciitis. However, I read a blog from someone that had gone through a knee surgery and couldn't do much in the way of exercise, and she didn't use it as an excuse to gain weight or throw in the towel. She actually still lost over those 8 weeks even if it was a tenth of a pound here and there. Now that is some dedication...and I thought if she can do that so can I. This time for me is giving up the all or nothing thinking and getting right back on track that next meal. I also am not going to set a goal in time that I'm going to be done. I'm going to just take it one day at a time. Before I became so absolutely discouraged every time that date would come and I hadn't made as much progress as I had wanted. Now I want to celebrate the progress that I make each day...striving to make as much progress as I can by say New Year's Day...which is in 39 days. The way I did it before ultimately didn't work for me...so this time I'm changing it up. I want to figure out what it's going to take for me to desire to live healthfully for the rest of my life, not for just this year or the next. Anyway, some food for thought and I was so thrilled when I looked at my email and you had liked something on my activity feed. And said to myself....that's awesome she's back! Way to go having the courage to admit where you are at!

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GYPSY145 11/22/2013 1:30PM

    So proud of you, daughter of mine. Ever since you were a little girl you have always kept plugging along. I am so happy that you are on here again. I missed all the insight you impart to all of us in your blogs. It also makes it seem like we're not so far apart. Get ready for some butt kickin' , I will be ready for mine, but hopefully we won't need to do it to often.

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THELILEA 11/22/2013 12:55PM

    HI!!!! welcome back!! I know I left for quite some time, and i really missed it and came back a couple months ago to get help starting over again, myself!! I'm happy to see you!! I started back up over, and you can TOO! I missed how great I felt the last years before. You can read some of my blogs to see how much the fact that having had so much success before and losing that really made me struggle to stay on track this time, like, I felt guilty and discouraged.
Anyway, again, so happy to see you, and I can't wait to see some regular stuff from you, whatever form that may take! CONGRATS on taking the first steps on this new part of your journey!!

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RUNNER4LIFE08 11/22/2013 11:08AM

    emoticon

There is no shame on hitting that reset button. We all have to do that sometimes. I am glad to see you back and will be here to support you as you continue on your journey.

By the way.... I LOVE the black hills! I am from Minnesota and we took the family on a trip there over the summer. I have never been to South Dakota and was amazed at the beauty. You truly live in a amazing place! Can't wait to visit there again!

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JTAMSYN 11/22/2013 10:04AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

Like you said, stop focusing on the whys and just get back to basics: water, 10 minutes of fitness a day and 5 servings of veggies/fruits. And focus on how great you felt when you were doing that.

You can do this!

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NATPLUMMER 11/22/2013 9:55AM

    emoticon emoticon

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