Monday, December 22, 2014
I LOVE Christmas. I have always loved it. I have only missed Christmas Eve Church Service twice in my 31 years. I love spending time with my family and celebrating Christ. I just freakin' love it. This year, the Christmas season is filling me with increasing depression. I find myself crying more and more.... I just miss her...
Watching my mom die in September shattered my heart. And just as those pieces decided it was almost time to start somewhat of a healing process.... the Christmas season has swooped in and kicked me when Im down. My mom loved Christmas so much, probably where I got it from. I can't imagine not having her here this Christmas.
I miss her. I just miss her so much. I miss her laugh. I miss hiking and exploring with her. I even miss that last week before she passed, laying in bed with her in shifts, 24/7 and just holding her. Losing someone to Alzheimer's is awful, but losing a Mom at age 54 to Early Onset is just ridiculous. Her docs and specialists all said it was the youngest case they'd ever seen. It attacked her differently as well. You "expect" an elderly person to die...that's life (not that it makes it easy by any means, but you 'expect' it.) Getting an Alzheimer's diagnosis and watching your mom die over 3 years in her early 50's..... just wow.
I have an Alzheimer's patient that comes into the clinic every few months for a med check. Seeing her each time leaves me in tears after she's left. (The first time I saw her after my mom passed, I couldn't even control myself. I just sobbed in the exam room. I felt so bad and unprofessional, luckily the family had much compassion.) Today, I saw her again, and haven't been able to stop sobbing for the past hour + .
To add to the pain, my Dad is so utterly depressed... (understandably so) but it is so hard to see. (To the point of saying the only reason he won't kill himself is because then us kids won't get his life insurance money, and he wouldn't put us through that.) He misses his best friend, so much.
We found out today he doesn't want to come to Christmas. (He had a very rough time with Thanksgiving, so we aren't going to force him to come.) It's just sad....so sad.
So...I needed to vent. I'm just sad.
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
Just throwing out random thoughts...
I do not agree with the gay lifestyle. I have gay friends. Disagreeing with someone does not mean I disrespect them, dislike them, or need to speak down to or bully them. Really, no one in the world is going to agree 100% on every topic (although DH and I are pretty darn close...creepily so...lol.) So why, because it's a "controversial" topic, does it make me "intolerant" to disagree with something you do.
I don't go on and on to my gay friends about how they should change. They know my opinion on the topic and I don't need to "beat it into their heads."
Someone once said to me "Well, you just don't like me because I'm an atheist." No, I dislike you because you are genuinely the worst person I have ever come across in my life. (No exaggeration, sadly.) Why should your religious beliefs dictate whether or not I like you? There are plenty of friendly atheists (yes, I have atheist friends) and there are plenty of "Christians" who are complete @$$holes....and everything in between.
Why do people feel the need to make controversy out of everything, even when no controversy is present? I can disagree with someone and their beliefs and still love them and be friends with them.
Quite often, I wish I could live a life of "Little House on the Prairie" (with WiFi, lol.) Simple life, out in the country, dealing with few people, when society wasn't all screwed up and people didn't make every little thing to be a big PC issue. (Probably why I like camping so much, lol.)
Monday, December 15, 2014
A few weeks ago I blogged about someone who was mad at me (for something I really didn't do) and decided she wanted to ruin my life. (Her words, not mine.) Here's the blog if you want to read it...
After a VERY thorough investigation.... I was cleared of all charges. I work for a VERY large healthcare system. And had it come down to her word vs mine, they would have fired me in a heartbeat to avoid a law suit. They went back and traced everything I have ever done on any computer for the past 8 1/2 years Ive worked here. (Seriously thorough!) I was fully exonerated! Innocence has a way of protecting a person. I'd done nothing wrong, and God protected me.
Im not angry with her for what she did. I understand why she's so upset, though she chose to deal with it poorly. Chances are karma will get to her sooner or later, as it always does. (But as much as I can't stand this woman, I hope Karma goes easy on her. Her life is already pretty "wrecked."
Ok, moving on. Daily headaches are still tormenting me. You'd think after 16 years I'd be "used to it." I am, but it doesn't make them more tolerable.
Here's the blog about my appointment with pain management.
So, it's been just over a month.... Ive been in physical therapy twice a week, ive done all my stretches and exercises (almost) every day as Im supposed to. (It gets to be a bit much, since I have 3 strengthening exercises and 7 long stretches that all take a bit of time.) I have NOT been good about doing yoga 5 times a week...or even twice... It is seriously so hard to motivate myself to exercise when my head is pounding. I mean, thinking about holding an easy pose, like downward dog...with a massive headache. Doesn't sound like fun, does it?!
Well, the therapist is impressed. I have gained 10 degrees to the left and 15 degrees rotation to the right with turning my head. It's been a long time since Ive been able to trn my head that far! (Still hurts, but always improving!) So, the exercises and stretches are definitely helping me and my neck and back pain, but it isnt affecting my headaches (yet?) .
So I will continue to do PT, and probably dry needling....ugh..... until my appointment with Pain Management in Jan. And then? WHo knows...we'll cross that bridge when we get there.
Friday, December 12, 2014
1. What is your best childhood memory?
~ One of the many summers I spent with my Grandparents at their cottage on the lake.
Or...when I was 16 my Mom and I went hiking out in the mountains in Wyoming. We got very lost and were gone for hours. (We had a great time though....I miss my Mom so much RIP.) And when we got back my Dad was so mad from worry. Apparently it was 108* in the sun that day.... But we were just hiking and exploring and talking. I love her so much.
But really, despite my Dad being a major butthead my whole childhood.... I have a TON of great memories! We didn't have a lot of toys or stuff but we always had fun!
2. If you had a chance for a “do-over” in life, what would you do differently?
~Not a thing. Anything done differently would change who I am today. Although if changing something didn't affect everything, aka the butterfly affect, and I could still be basically who I am, where I am, and with whom I'm with.... I would go back and stay in gymnastics instead of dropping it to get a job. I was varisty when I first started Freshman year (had been doing it through clubs and such since I was 5.) I was good. And I really miss it, even still!
3.What do you feel most proud of?
~Who I am today. I am honest. Always. I'm terrible at lying. People know who I am and what I'm about. (That shouldn't be something to be proud of...that should be the societal norm...but alas...it is not. )
4. What is your favorite music?
~I love a TON of music. I have everything from a polka cd, to System of a Down, to old school southern gospel in my car. I most often prefer Christian Contemporary /Worship
5.If you could travel anywhere, where would you go and why?
~Anywhere with my hubs! We have so much fun! Buuuut, aside from that totally cliche answer......Vietnam. The caves out there look amazing!!!!!!!
6. What do you want your tombstone to say?
I don't need a tombstone. But my urn should say um....... "Devoted Wife, Mother, Sister, Daughter, Friend." I dunno. I just try to be there for everybody, and I hope people can see that.
7. What was one of your most defining moments in life?
~Letting go ... the freedom I have is refreshing.
~Joining my current Bible study group. I joined about 4 years ago....basically because God made me...I really didn't want to. But it has blessed me beyond belief!
~Meeting my husband....he is seriously so amazing!
8. How do you spend your free time?
~Putzing around on the internet. Reading/studying/learning. Hiking/Camping.
9. If you won the lottery, what would you do?
~Pay off credit cards, pay off medical bills, pay off family's bills, donate to Alzheimer's research and Lupus research, pay tuition to go to seminary.
10. What are you most afraid of?
~Losing the people I love. Watching my Mom die was the hardest thing I've ever experienced.
11. What is your strongest personal quality?
~I'm nice/helpful to a fault. I put everyone else's needs above my own. My counselor and my mentor have really been on me about this, but I just can't change. I know it isn't always healthy, but it's who I am.
12. What was your most embarrassing moment?
~I have WAAAAY too many to pick from. I embarrass myself all the time. Seriously, I am so embarrassing. Just yesterday at physical therapy, I said to my therapist "I love balls!" ...I was talking about using tennis balls to dig into knots in my back...but all that came out was "I love balls!"
13. If you could witness any event of the past, present, or future, what would it be?
~The resurrection or Second coming of Christ!
14. What is a skill you’d like to learn and why?
~Well, I just wish I was a good singer. I love singing, I sing all the time, I'm not terrible, but I'm not good. I'd also like to start learning French again.... but there is no reason behind it.
15. What does a perfect day look like to you?
~Sleeping in, waking up in the tent next to hubs. Just camping with him is perfect. We get along so well!
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