Sunday, October 14, 2012
I have been feeling mighty fine this last week/end. I didn't feel that good on Monday/Tuesday, but a lot of it was picking my way through feeling ravenous (for good reason) on Monday, and then continuing the cycle of eating too much on Tuesday. Since then, there has been a lot of good feelings coming in and bad feelings coming out.
Corey (DH) told me not too long ago that I should go back to basics, back to what worked for me, what made me happy.
In essence, go back to Weight Watchers. Go back to NOT training for a race. Go back to WANTING to get out of bed and to the gym.
And go back to blogging.
He never calls it SP. He just calls it my "blogging."
And he is right. I think near the end of my blogging before I went on a hiatus, I was writing more for others, and not for myself, which was BS. It was all in my head, that I felt that way. No one gave me reason to feel that way, but there it is.
So, the change. I feel like I am adapting now to a new person. Not like a multiple personality kind of deal, but a different part of me. The person who was so hard core, lost so much weight, ran so much and so fast (though I didn't think I was fast at that time)...that person is still in me. So is the person who had a tendency to let everything go. To not work out, not care about anything...
And I'm finding a way to bring it all together and take it all into perspective. To where I am not so hard core, and am managing my time better so I can make sure I spend a good amount of time with my little girl. Also planning for success, rather than planning for failure, i.e. not signing up for gym classes at 6 a.m. when I have a 25% chance of getting my butt out of bed, or not having things organized to just take with.
My hair was a big change, but it is a reflection of the fact that I am not STARTING OVER. I am taking a page out of Madonna's book and reinventing myself. I am changing myself in the best ways, to bring the best out of me.
Wanna know what I'm feeling right now? Confident.
I love that feeling.
Saturday, October 13, 2012
I have so many reasons to eat, eat, eat.
It's someone's birthday.
It's a full moon.
I'm a woman.
I have a kid.
I have stress.
So many reasons!!!!
Oh, wait.....I'm sorry, those are excuses. Those are rationalizations. They hide the reality, which if the fact that I choose to eat, when I eat, where I eat, and what I eat. At least 90% of the time.
So, I am letting that go. That's the big gun I've got, the one I pull whenever handy to explain away as a joke to my friends, coworkers, family, when behind that joke I am hurting, I am ashamed...I just want to curl into a ball and hide from everyone and everything.
Today was a big day, in a sense. I got my hair done, with a huge change. For the last 4 years I have not cut anything but for a bit of a trim, and it had gotten super long, and I always made sure it was as blonde as could be, to match my skin color? I don't know, but I loved that color. I wanted to go bold, to do something new, so I chopped it. Here is the before and after:
Ooh, that felt good. I was scared because I haven't been brunette since I was 17 after a failed boxed color experiment. My natural hair went from super blonde when I was younger, to dishwater blonde at 15, to light brown at age 18. I thought my hair looked horrible brown.
Nope! I love it!
Anyway, but husband's older brother is in town (he lives in South St Paul, MN). We see him once a year, maybe, and he brings his 2 children with too, while his wife stays home.
My husband basically is over there most of the day, and will be tomorrow too, but that's not an issue at all.
They do have the traditional pizza dinner from a local restaurant (pricey but OH.SO.GOOD), and then Great-Grandma Lou brings along her famous chocolate chip cookies and fudge brownies.
Well, I shoved all the excuses aside, and just enjoyed myself without thinking about the food so much. I kept conversation going, and also made sure I was in front of most of the people, so if I started shoveling food in my mouth, it would be on display :) Well, I ended up having 1 slice of pizza (thin crust, square shaped, about 3 x 3 cm, pepperoni). For dessert? Well, there was a fiasco where Kaylee had her first accident in a LONG time, and I wasn't prepared. By the time I found replacement underwear/pants and got her set up, I wanted a brownie and I wanted a cookie, darn it.
So I got a cookie, had 2 bites, then gave the rest to Kaylee. As for the brownie, I forgot about them. :) It worked!!!
I got home a bit ago, had some grapes, then settled down to get caught up on the internet, including here.
I am planning on getting back to running again tomorrow, starting back to the beginning, and training with my husband for his first 5K :)
I am happy. That's SO enough for me.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
I have so much I need to blog about, but it seems the only time I have to do this is the few minutes between my daughter finally staying in her bed and me needing to go to bed myself. That is, of course, if I'm not stuffing my face with food.
I weighed in at 198.2 pounds this morning, and that was naked, NOT at a WW meeting. Ugh.
The buck stops here.
I know what I am capable of, and I need to stop getting in my own way! Like my therapist said the other day, I need to change my obsession about my weight and looks into white noise instead of a trumpeting elephant, and just focus on being healthy, about taking care of myself, and that it will all come together.
I went for a bit of a run/walk today with my husband on the track at the gym, and that felt pretty great. It felt good to run a few laps because I wanted to, not because my calendar said I had to run X amount of miles. I could get used to this :)
That being said, I spent the day searching for any morsel of food I could find. It was embarrassing. I even raided a candy bar jar at work. And ate a whoopie pie that some coworker brought in for us to eat. I should have said no to that for sure! Good God, that stuff is just not good for me.
It's not just vanity, how I look in the mirror. It's about how I feel. I just feel icky. I feel like I am a strong beast of a woman, with a fat body. I know there are a lot of self-esteem and self-image issues, that stem from feeling like I am an outsider from the age of 3 (when my dad adopted me after marrying my mom).
The counselor asked me if I would feel better if I was 160 again, and/or if I had that tummy tuck I'm planning this June. I thought about this, and I said yes. Yes, because I felt comfortable at 160. Because it's more than vanity, it's the body that matches me. I don't feel like myself when I look like this, I feel like I am carrying around more than the 30 pounds I gained. There is so much baggage that comes with it. The shame...how did I let myself go like this? I mean, really? I just ran a marathon, and it shocks me that despite that I am the highest weight I've been since May 2010!!! And beyond running, I have no conditioning really. Spinning? Forget about it. Elliptical? I used to push out 1 hour on that sucker, now I am out of breath at 10 minutes. And ST? Nonexistent.
I am going in to the gym tomorrow at 5:30 a.m. to get on that elliptical, and at 6 a.m. I am being instructed on the new weight machines they have. I have signed up for a free 1-hour intro for tennis session with the pros on Monday. I am possibly going to Zumba on Saturday.
I am going to ease into it, but the point is I need to get out there. I need to organize my life, keep myself busy, and start being focused, especially at work. I shouldn't be focusing on food, I should be focusing on my job, and to keep food as my "white noise."
Well, off to bed, but I am definitely feeling better after writing this. I am excited to start tomorrow off on the right foot, and let that define my day :)
I will take this One Day at a Time, and not worry about 1 month from now, 3 months, 6 months, 9 months.
P.S. I'll be hopefully writing more in depth about my last year and the year coming up, as a reflective measure to let the past go, and to keep looking forward to each new day, while gearing up for hard times ahead so I am prepared for them.
Tuesday, October 09, 2012
The Twin Cities Marathon, my first marathon.
My training was at about 70%, or possibly less...so I had quite a few doubts, and fears of failing/dropping out, and disappointing people around me, and/or letting down my friend who I ran it with, TJZYSKOWSKI (TJ).
The reasons for the lack of training were many. I first thought I was having surgery the first week of October, so I wouldn't be able to run it. I stopped training for 2 weeks, then found out the surgery would be pushed back to mid-November. I had to make a choice, start back up training, or not. I decided...why not? I might as well just keep at it, and if I could, great...if I couldn't, I knew I'd tried.
Well, all was well until my 20-mile long run a few weeks ago. I hurt the base of my great toe, and found later on that I most likely had a stress fracture in the sesamoid. Nice! I basically kept up with my long runs, but had to recover all week from them. Not the best training at all, and even the last tapered long run (6 miles) was just not doable for me. I ran 3 miles on Wednesday and it felt harder than the 20-miler!
I did a lot of stress eating during the past week because the doubt just kept eating at me. So many of my friends and family knew I'd be running this, and they even had done a segment on me called "Running With a Purpose" on a local station out of Fargo, ND. (I put a link to this segment below, hope it works)! On a side note, I was so embarrassed when that segment came out, because I had gained back 20 pounds from my goal weight of 160 :( That will be saved for another blog. Apparently, my husband said I need to start blogging again ;) Here's the segment:
Now, the marathon.
I went to the Expo, and met up with TJ. I hadn't seen her in a long time, and we had been training for this separately (she lives in the cities while I am in Grand Forks, ND). The Expo was, of course, busy and I had a great time looking at all the things I wished I could buy, but didn't want to spend the money on :) I did buy a SPI Belt (small personal items). Best thing I have ever bought!! I was able to stash 3 GU Gels, my ear buds, Sansa player, tissues, and some Jolly Ranchers in it. NICE! I didn't even feel it when I put it on.
Anyway, I also picked up a magnet that said 26.2 that I could put on my car as a "bumper sticker" when I finished. I was hoping that I wasn't jinxing myself...
After the Expo, Corey (my husband) and I met up at the Olive Garden with TJ and her girls. It was such a smart idea for carb loading!! I had fettucini alfredo and 2 breadsticks. I took half of the pasta back to the hotel to eat before bedtime. It was super busy there, of course :)
We then headed back to the hotel, and just chilled. I got everything unpacked and ready for the next morning. I love setting everything out and taking a picture, a ritual!!
I then painted my nails pink because I knew TJ would be also, and it would match my SPI Belt and name on my shirt ;) I went to bed thinking I'd be having fruit and an energy bar in the lobby before heading out (since they had it in their brochure that they'd serve it from 5-7:30 a.m.). I hadn't thought to get my own, and the thought of heading out to buy it in downtown Minneapolis late on a Sat night? Too much, too tired, and my nails were still wet! I had trouble sleeping, probably fell asleep about midnight, woke up twice thinking I was late, then got up at 5. I was pretty blurry, and got ready pretty quick to wake myself up.
I made sure I had everything with, then headed down to the lobby. They had shuttles starting at 5:00 from our hotel to the starting stage, and that was really cool. I got to the lobby, ready for a banana and bar, and I was met with confusion by the guy at the desk. He apparently had no clue what I was talking about. I ended up just frustrated, saw the shuttle pull up, and jumped on. I figured there must be something I could find there to eat. When I got there, they were giving out free Caribou Coffee which was cool, but I don't drink coffee! I grabbed water and headed in. I immediately saw a table with a bunch of bagels on it. Yay!!! So excited and relieved!
Until I saw the sign under it that said: "Volunteers only"
Ugh, just crushed. I felt awkward pleading my case, so I just kind of resigned myself to the fact that I may end up eating one of my GU Gels before the race and hoping I wouldn't need it later and not have it. Thankfully, a fellow runner from the local running group had an extra Clif bar for me. I don't care for them, but heck with it, I gobbled that thing down I was so hungry! Someone else gave me half a banana :)
The weather was just perfect. I don't remember the exact temp for the start of the race, but it was at least as low as 30-ish out there? I started out with a light rain/wind jacket over my long sleeve technical shirt, gloves, and band that covers the ears, and a hat.
TJ and I headed out to find Corral 2. There were 3 corrals; 1 for the super ridiculously fast people, 2 for the faster people, and 3 for the pokey people (like me). We were happy though about this because we would be crossing the finish line earlier. This marathon had a time limit of needing to cross that line by 2:15 p.m. or you wouldn't receive a finisher's shirt or medal, and basically have to board a shuttle that gets you off the race course.
We were all lined up, like sardines, and the skyscrapers around us, the Metrodome, and the National Anthem started up. Very emotional moment, and I tell you...that's when it finally kicked in...S**T, I'm doing this!!!!
It took us 3-4 minutes to cross the start line from the 8 o'clock start. Not bad at all!!
The first 3-4 miles were so awesome. It was like a cakewalk! Usually the first 3 miles of a run are the worst because I'm just not hitting my stride, but it was just working for us. We held each other back so we wouldn't start out too strong, too fast, and to maintain a good easy pace. I drank too much water, though, so I chose to hit the porta pottie at mile 2-ish. I just know I couldn't keep running with a full bladder. Too uncomfortable! What a relief it was, because after that I felt even better running!
We made the plans to walk up each hill, walk through all the aid stations, and then walk if we really had to. And stop at a porta pottie if we had to. Also, TJ had timed miles for eating GU Gels which helped. Unfortunately for me, though I had been training all along with GU Gels and they worked great in the past, they were horrible for me this time. Each time I had one, they really messed my GI system up. My tummy cramped bad, so after the second one, I decided not to have any more.
I am not going to be able to go mile by mile on this, so I will just be highlighting it from this point on.
TJ had friends and family sprinkled throughout the race, so we would be seeing her brother, sister, and mom at one point, then her husband and 2 daughters at another point, then again and again. I tell you what, she has an AMAZING family. I hugged them, took Kleenex from them, and soaked it all in. They kept us going!!!
What else kept us going? The fact that because TJ cut out letters for our names and put them in front of our shirts, we had hundreds of people shouting out "Erin!!! TJ!!! TJ!!! Erin!!!" and shouting encouragement at us over and over again. We felt like celebrities! It just gave us so much energy, and later on in the race it helped us from wanting to give up, though I don't believe we would have anyway.
The first 13 miles were awesome physically. It was surprising how easy it was! We finished it around 2 hours 40-ish minutes, which was faster than my last half marathon, so we knew we were doing good, and were on track.
Not too long after that, the pain started hitting us. Both of us had really bad right knee pain that got worse as each mile went by. By the last few miles, it was agony. It hurt more to walk on it, and even more to start running on it, but felt better while running after those first 10 steps were done. The left calf was so SO sore, and my right calf was having weird twinges and pulling spasms. I almost stumbled with some of them. It scared me because I didn't want to drop out.
We had each other to push on, but TJ's brother supported us, and he got us going, kept us going, and wouldn't let us give up. I remember seeing someone's sign saying "Pain is temporary, Pride is forever." I ran up to her and gave her a hug. Needed that so much!
A woman passed us, and on the back of her shirt was "KAYLEE." I lost it. I just started sobbing, which isn't easy to do when you are running. I just....I really wanted to see my little girl after reading that. I was doing this for me. But...I was also doing this for her. For my pumpkin. I wanted her to be proud of her mommy.
The supporters were amazing, the course was absolutely gorgeous, just breathtaking. We ran by 3 different lakes, over bridges, with trees of all colors around us. Beautiful houses. So many children (we gave a lot of them high-fives).
So, cutting through a lot here because well...it's getting past bedtime. The last 5 miles were obviously the hardest. Sure, you know you have less than a 10K to go, but when every step, walking or running, was so painful...it seems like an eternity. When we got to the point where we had 4 miles to go, we realized that we needed to really keep running when we could, because we'd be cutting it close. It's amazing how one half could be so different from the other half of a race! We still appreciated the beauty of everything, but it took on a whole new meaning with the last miles. It took determination, it took some swearing...okay more than some ;)
When we got to the top of the last hill in a series of hills on Summit Avenue, we could see the finish line, about .25 miles away. It was downhill from the point, and we took off. I used up every ounce of energy I had left to finish that last part of the race strong. It wasn't SO hard when you had so many people screaming your name and pushing you on...and then when they said my name as I crossed the line...Just overwhelming. I bawled as I clung to TJ. We did it. We DID it. I ran a freaking marathon!!! I am now a marathoner!!! Holy crap, Batman.
We had to get our knees iced, and then we met up with her family and my husband (oh, and I lost it when I hugged him). Here's the picture of us post race:
And if you're interested, here is the streaming they did online of people crossing the finish line. On this section, we cross line line at minute 10:27.
I AM A MARATHONER!!!!!
P.S. My time was 6:03 :)
Monday, September 03, 2012
First of all, I miss you all, and I miss this site. It's like so many things, once you stop, it can take forever to start back up. That goes for SP. SOOO much has happened this summer, and even more will be happening this fall, so there has been a lot of ups and downs. As for my weight, that has gone up, but that isn't my life. My weight does not define me. What defines me is how I live my life, and the people in it.
That being said, I'm so happy to be "on track" and losing again, though it's in a much less obsessed way. I am not tracking my calories; rather, I am eating "normal" portions, and when I should be eating (breakfast, lunch, dinner, some snacks). I am trying to be healthier with my choices (more fruits, SOME veggies, etc).
For the highlights of my ups and downs, we sold our house. We move out on Sept 10 into our new apartment. I'm going back to school next fall, hence the apartment rather than a new house. I was put on a medication 2 months ago that really messed with me chemically (nausea all day, dizziness, tired ALL.THE.TIME., and seriously increased appetite). I finally stopped about 2 weeks ago and am feeling the best I have in a LONG time. I have lost 6 pounds since then (pretty much water weight), and my mood has been just SO much better. I am so much happier now. I am appreciating things a lot more. I am more motivated. I am dealing with stress better.
Oh, so on to some other things happening....
I have been having issues, that I'm not entirely ready to go into detail about, but I am having surgery next month. I am having a hysterectomy and a bladder repair/rectal repair. I am also most likely having an abdominoplasty at the same time (tummy tuck) because the incision for the hysterectomy will be at the same place, I'll be under anyway, recovering a minimum of 6 weeks, and that was the plan minus the hysterectomy to begin with. I am having 3 surgeons doing these surgeries (OBGYN, Urology, and the plastic surgeon) so it will be a fun time getting all 3 doctors to find a day/time that will work for them. I have my first appointment Sept 10 (the same day we move, nice...).
Um...what else? Oh yes, I am training for my first full marathon, the Twin Cities Medtronic Marathon on Sunday, October 7.
I am running with TJDOESLIFE (Tamie Jo) from SP. She is my twin, I swear it, and I am so honored to hopefully have the opportunity to run this with her. My boss is pushing me to have the surgeries the first week of October, and if she gets her way, I won't be able to run it, but honestly? Can't see the surgery being scheduled that quick, so I am getting more confident each day that I will be able to run this race. Fingers crossed!!!
Therefore, I am writing this blog after having run 18 miles. Booyah!!!!!
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