Saturday, May 19, 2012
~ Refreshments. My god, they really went out on this race. There was Powerade and water every 2 miles, starting at mile 2. A lot of the supporters who came out to cheer us on brought many things with them too, including orange slices, bananas, watermelon, pineapple, strawberries, Jolly Ranchers, and tissues (which I didn't see but found out later about...could've used about 10 of those!!).
~ Community. The first part of this race had a bit less people, but when you reached the parts where you were getting tired, both physically and mentally, there were plenty of people to get you going!!
~ Medals and shirt. I got 3 medals (1 for the 5K, 1 for the Half, and then the third for doing the challenge). The shirt is really cool (black) and has long sleeves and a V-neck, and Dri-Fit of course. The medals are all heavy and really cool.
~ Price. Yeah, this is a hugely awesome race, and one of the top marathons in the country, but it only cost me like $65 for both races and, like I said, I got 3 medals, 2 shirts, and 1 Adidas runner bag. Awesome!!
~ FOOD. Okay, after the finish line, these were what were offered: Chocolate milk, water, nutter butter cookies, chocolate chip cookies, potato chips, PIZZA, and COOKIE DOUGH!!!!!! OMG. So awesome. I actually had quite the appetite at that point, so it was PERFECT.
~ Finish line. When you are finishing the race, you turn into the Fargodome, where you see yourself up on the huge screens and I saw myself as I raised my arms...you were surrounded on both sides by runners who have finished, and family and friends. Just absolutely amazing.
~ PEOPLE. I have to say it again, seeing so many people out there cheering you on, seeing your name on your bib, and yelling it out loud and pushing you on...there was no equal. I would not have been able to run as much as I did, or enjoy myself so much without them. I loved slapping hands with so many kids, with the volunteers, shouting out at the UND Sioux group (I'm from Grand Forks)....just so much positive energy!
~Nothing to do with the organizers, but myself. On Friday, I botched my hydration. Because of that, I couldn't carb load (too nauseated/upset tummy). Because of THAT, my energy started waning around mile 5, and then I had so many muscles start cramping up so bad. I drank at EVERY STATION, both Powerade and water, sucked on about 4 Jolly Ranches, had my GU Gel, yet still it didn't give me the energy that I needed and didn't stop the cramping. I also had a slice of watermelon (bless those people).
~My muscles. I ran 13.2 miles a couple of weekends ago and yeah, a bit sore, but nothing bad. This race my muscles just couldn't stop cramping up. My right hamstring, followed by each quad, then each calf. I stopped to stretch every time this happened, and I did a LOT of walking after mile 8. I listened to my body, and because of that I don't believe I have an actual injury, just sore muscles with a crampy left calf.
There is so much more to be said about this race and how amazing it was (finishing up by me becoming overwhelmed when crossing the finish line and bawling for a minute), but I shall close with a few of my favorite signs I saw on the streets:
"Start running faster. I just farted!"
"You have stamina...Give me a call!!"
"You trained longer than Kim Kardashian was married!"
Now, I am blanking on some of the others, but yeah, so many cool signs, and cool shirts (TJ's husband's shirt said "Running Sucks!"...loved it!). One younger man had a black shirt with a pink ribbon on the back saying "I wear pink for my grandma..." and another that said "My wife Tammy made me run this race"
Anyway, my time for this race was 2:41:43, and I am so happy with that time, considering all that happened, and how much fun I had :o}
Now, some resting shall commence followed by training for the Twin Cities Marathon!!!
Saturday, May 19, 2012
I will just put this in pros and cons so I can try to remember them all! The Go Far Challenge in Fargo is when you run the 5K on Friday night, and then run the 10K, Half Marathon, or Marathon the following morning. I ran the 5K with TJ (TJDOESLIFE) and Half Marathon with her and her DH, Rob :o}
~ The community. I can't say enough about Fargo and the people who live there. People put sprinklers on the side of the street in front of their houses, which was a lifesaver!!!
~ The shirt and medal. They chose a lime green/teal blue color this year, which was really cool. The medal was nice and heavy. The piece on the back of mine that says "finisher" fell off before I even got it, but it is pretty :o}
~ The finish line. So much energy, and everyone applauding you and pushing you to finish strong. Just felt great.
~ Their attempt at reaching 10,000 runners for this race basically meant you felt like a bunch of sardines in a huge can. Constantly dodging and not being really able to move much! It was great seeing so many people show (it actually ended up being a little less than 9000, probably due to the heat), but I felt fairly claustrophobic. I am pretty sure this one guy in front of me got a kick of me "fondling" him a few times
~ Heat (95 degrees). I had trained in mainly 40-50 degree weather.
~ My hydration. I was so busy getting ready for the drive down to Fargo and working from 8-12 that I kind of forgot to drink water. I had the milk in my bowls of cereal (breakfast and lunch) and then forgot to grab the bottle of water as I headed out. I had 20 ounces of water before the race. Not enough, and that made for a very angry tummy later that would not accept much food...we ate at the Green Mill, and I had a couple of grape tomatoes, a couple of bites of salad, 1 piece of bread with garlic butter, then a couple of bites of the fettucini alfredo I ordered. Not enough.
~ No water station. C'mon, even the smallest of 5K races I've run have had a water station at around mile 2 or before. They had NONE! About 9000 runners in 95 degree heat? Water needed.
Oh, and my time was 34:09!!
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
First of all, thank you so much for reading and commenting on my last blog. It took a lot to put that out there, and I even put my page on private because it would make me feel vulnerable about it (sure, I have a lot of friends on here who can read it, but I am mostly assuming that none of them are my family because they would have made comment a long time ago on certain blogs ).
Anyway, a lot of what I have been doing lately has been a balancing act, trying not to do too much and not too little. With my eating, I have been tracking all of my points for WW, making sure not to go over by much if I need more to eat, and watching my portions. I have been doing GREAT in that respect.
The scale has been going down, mostly slower rather than faster, but I feel it is reflective of what I am doing. It's only when I am KILLING myself at the gym (1-2 hours a day) that I drop the weight faster, but inevitably burnout or sabotage myself with food. Sure, I would love to be losing 2 pounds per week so I could get back to 160 by my daughter's birthday, but I also know that NO ONE will notice whether I am 160, or 168. And if they did, I shouldn't care, because this is about my journey. I need to keep putting myself first, and part of it is realizing that what people think about me really doesn't matter because those family members just revel in the juicy gossip of those other family members or friends who are gaining weight, getting a divorce, are single and pregnant, and basically belittling those around them in order to feel better about themselves. They are not worth worrying about.
I have balanced my thinking about my fitness also. I have been battling debilitating shin splints, and through my orthotics, icing, and ART (active release therapy) treatment through my chiropractor, I have slowly recovered. But, they sometimes flare up, and when they do I back away from smaller runs during the week, so that my longer run on the weekend is doable. I have been training for the half marathon in Fargo, and it is less than a month I am SUPER excited about it (about running with a friend (TJZYSKOWSKI), and her husband, about the cookie dough you get at the end of the race (which I may not eat right away, but will save for later), and about getting those medals for running the 5K the night before and then the half marathon, which is called the Go Far Challenge, and I will get 3 medals...).
Anyway, I did a 3-mile run yesterday, pushed the pace a bit, and it felt great. But, this morning I woke up to do my 6-mile run, and when I put my right foot down, I felt the shin pain. Not HORRIBLE, but it was about a 5/10 on the pain scale. I decided right away that putting 6 miles on my legs this morning wouldn't be helpful in the long run, so went back to bed. I don't regret that at all. If it feels better by my lunch hour, I will hop out the door and put in some miles, or just take the day off and put them in tomorrow, and get the other run in Thursday. Wow, me being flexible? No way. See? Balancing act.
My longest run so far is on Saturday, and I will be putting in 11 miles. I am not nervous about it like I was last long run of 10 miles, because I did 10.3 miles that day, and didn't feel the slightest bit sore, or winded. It felt amazing! I know it's because I did exactly what I was supposed to do, take it easy and listen to my body. I took my time, and it did take me 2 hours to do that run, and that is a great thing. I know I am ready for the half when it comes!!
So, anyway, just an update on how I am doing. I believe through the medication I am on that is stabilizing my mood, the counseling I am doing every 2 weeks with the psychologist, and just actively working on my self-esteem and self-confidence, I am getting to where I should be.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
I have been doing pretty darned good the past 2 weeks, tracking my food, getting my running in (I did 9 miles last weekend, and 10.3 miles yesterday!!).
But, on Thursday, I could feel my self-sabotaging self niggling in the back of my head, wanting to pop out and wreak havoc. I wasn't consciously thinking about binge eating, but I was starting to get irritable for no reason, a sure sign that a mood change was imminent followed by inevitably a binge (my coping mechanism...).
Thankfully, I had an appointment with my therapist that day.
The previous session, I had a mini revelation. I brought up something that only a handful of people in my life know about (a friend, my dad, my ex-boyfriend, and Corey).
I was raped by my boss at the age of 17. On 2 different occasions. I was very naive for that age, and easily swayed, easily taken advantage of. And I believed that I asked for it, that it was my fault. I eventually left that job because I couldn't stand seeing him, day in and day out. I was scared of him, of what he would do again.
The job I worked at after that....well, I had a "best" friend who had worked with me at that previous job with the boss I was scared of. She had a serious crush on him, which I didn't realize, until I confided in her what he had done to me. Instead of consoling me, of being there for me....she got jealous. She was angry, upset that he went after me, and not her. She left that job right after me.
She started at the next job the week before me; in fact, had talked me into working there. It seemed like a fun place to work, friendly people. Not even 2 weeks into working there, my new boss started harassing me. Saying "I hear you screw your bosses" and the like. Since I knew the only person who knew this was my "friend," I confronted her. She said that what she said was true, that I "seduced" my bosses and probably wanted our new boss. I was shocked.
During the next month, an incident happened. I will not go into the details, but my dad believed something that wasn't true....which, sadly enough, basically was that my dad believed this "friend" over me that I was on drugs, which I wasn't...she was, and she hid her drugs in my car, he found them, and believed they were mine. He wouldn't listen to me. He then threw me out of the house and said to find somewhere else to live. My dad...he was hard on me growing up. I was his only child who was not his biological child, and it made a difference on the way he treated me compared to his biological children. There is so much in that story, but...well, I don't want this to become more than the novella I am already putting out here.
My friend wouldn't take me into her house, making up some lame excuse. So, my boss and his fiance took me into their apartment, had an extra room. You can see where this is going, I'm sure. I tried not to ever be in that place alone, making sure I had errands or work or something when I knew his fiance would not be there. But, eventually there was a day when I thought she'd be home, but then there was a family emergency for her in another town and she had to leave right away. He stayed behind....to man the store, he said. Not true. He used that time to stay home, and corner me. He was...violent and strong. I didn't have a chance. Or at least that was how I saw it. Again, I blamed myself for getting into that situation.
It was so hard to tell someone else this, especially someone I had only talked to a handful of times, and I was so scared of how he would react to what I said. The only person I told before who consoled me after I told the story was Corey. My ex-boyfriend, ex-friend, and dad basically all called me a wh*re. So, the odds were, this therapist would be thinking the same thing.
Instead, he told me I was brave. For telling him this. For carrying this load on my shoulders all these years thinking I was to blame, that I asked for this, rather than seeing the truth of it, that I was and still am a victim of those situations, that those 2 men took advantage of a young girl who had no experience and who was scared.
So, that all happened a little over 2 weeks ago at that appointment.
At the appointment on Thursday, we delved more into what happened and how that had an effect on a few areas of my life mainly including intimacy. I had a breakthrough that day, too. I had never....had an "O" with my husband, nor with any man before him. I haven't been "faking" it with my DH for the last 5 years, but I did a couple of times before then when I felt bad and didn't want him to think it was HIM.
So, over dinner that evening, I told him. I was so scared, because I didn't know how he would react. I assumed the worst, as usual, that he would be upset, mad, shocked, and would think that it was him that was inadequate, or me. Mainly I was scared that he would think less of me, or look at me differently. He didn't. He said that he was happy I told him about this, and he would do anything he could to help me out (my therapist had told me to work on "sensate focus" with DH...I had to Google that). I was so relieved, I could tell he was sincere, that he truly was happy I told him. He also said that it must have been hard for me to hold that back from him, to carry a secret like that.
It's hard for me to hear that. That I am "brave." That things must have been so hard for me. I feel like a failure, a fraud. And I told DH just that. And then he said that was something else for us to work on.
He then asked, about an hour later when we were driving around, if there was anything else, that no matter what it was, it was okay. He wouldn't judge me, that he would support me.
And out it came. The Big Secret. The one thing in our relationship that I buried so deep. A memory that I repressed so deep that I hadn't thought about it in at least 6 years, because it was such a painful thing for me to remember.
I cheated on him.
In our first month of our relationship, I met someone online. A stranger. And I had sex with him. I was obviously not a smart young woman, was I? But, I did it. And I knew that my DH and I were exclusive at that point, so I had no excuse. We were taking things slow in the sex department as he was not wanting us to go there until a) I had moved out of my parents' home and b) I was on birth control which I couldn't BE on until I moved out of my parents' home because then it would mean I was having SEX, which my dad would not tolerate.
And the victimized side of me saw this as my then boyfriend not wanting me, not finding me worth being intimate with. So I found this other guy. To prove that I was wanted, that I was attractive...
It was horrible. I had a horrible experience with that (the man turned out to be much older...and married). I felt so guilty. So worthless. A bad person. Not worthy at all. And I so badly wanted things to work with my boyfriend, because he was everything I wanted in a man. Everything. I knew within days that I would be marrying him, and he felt the same way.
Fast forward to Thursday. I didn't expect that memory to resurface. I struggled with that memory. DH could tell I was struggling with something, and he repeated that he couldn't possibly judge me, that he was there for me, and no matter what it was, it wouldn't diminish his love for me, and that we would work through it.
So, I stopped the car, averted my eyes from him, and told him shamefully about that incident.
There was a pause after I stopped talking. I waited for his reaction, for the explosion of anger, of disgust, of him looking at me and no longer trusting me, or wanting to be with me.
He then said: "Erin."
I couldn't breathe...So scared.
He repeated..."Erin....Look at me."
I couldn't. By this time, I had tears streaming down my face, I was actually full out sobbing which I very rarely do, I cry silently usually.
He reached over to take a hold of my chin, and gently turned my face so I had to look at him.
And he said: "I don't care. I don't. It was over a dozen years ago. You made a mistake. And you have paid for that mistake many times over. Don't keep paying for it. Let it go."
He said a few other things, but I couldn't really hear him at this time because I was crying so hard.
But this crying? It felt different. It felt good. I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I felt so....liberated. I hadn't realized how it would feel to get that out there. I hadn't told ANYONE about that.
After my crying came to an end, he then said: "Nothing you have done in the past could make me love you less. I will not leave your side. You are the love of my life, and there is no way you can push me away....
"And it must have been so hard to hold that in, for so long."
Wow. His reaction was NOT what I was expecting.
And since that day, I have felt...different. I feel like I can do anything now. No excuses. No falling back on my past, on rationalizing my behaviors.
I can't change my past. I can deal with it, and move on.
However, I can change now. I can change my future. I can make choices, the right choices.
I can treat myself like a person who deserves the good things. Because I am not a bad person. I am a human being who made some not so wise choices in the past. And had some experiences out of my control.
I am a good person.
Thank you for taking the time to read this...I know I will be reading it over and over to remind myself of this day.
Friday, April 13, 2012
I have been sick this past week, yet again with an acute bronchitis. Lovely! I can work out through a few illnesses, the stomach bug, a regular cold, but not this. Thankfully, due to antibiotics, I finally feel normal today, so I will be attempting to get out and run a mile or two. Nothing too strenuous, but just getting out there.
In other news, I have been lurking here but that is about it. It seems like I am not active on here, but it's mainly that I can only go on here on my laptop and I have been not on my laptop much at all for the last week or two.
My eating has improved a lot. I did have a couple of days where I ate when or what I wanted without tracking. Then I was ready for tracking, for eating what I should be eating. I am down another pound, which feels like a miracle given the lack of activity (I have only been walking, and only about a mile a day). I know, I've heard many times that weight loss is 80% nutrition. I'll have to take that to heart!
I'm a bit nervous about the half marathon in mid-May. Less than 40 days away, and my longest run was 8 miles 2 weeks ago But, I'll see what I can do tomorrow. I will try for a much slower 9 miles. I know that I will be able to do the half, but I also know that there will be some walking and I will not PR. I'm good with that I am excited that I will not be running it alone, at least part of it (TJZYSKOWSKI and her DH will be there too). Plus, it is the Fargo Half Marathon, and the support there is amazing, so I know the adrenaline will help me out a lot!
I am just hoping that the illnesses will stop, because after the half marathon, I will have only a week or two off before I start training for the Twin Cities Marathon in October. I am nervous about it, but again since I will be running it with a fantastic friend, I am not panicking about it!
Therapy has been going good. I have been upping the frequency, going every 2 weeks. We are touching upon some deeper things in my childhood and teenage years that are really personal and I have not told anyone but my DH. It's hard, but I know they contribute to who I am today so I know it's important to sort through them.
As for my mood/depression, I have not felt depressed for a while now. I have had days where I have a "short fuse" as my DH puts it, but this is a vast improvement for me.
The only downside I see to the meds are that I am more balanced out. Yes, right now it feels like a downside. Yes, I had periods of dark depression that really had me down, but when I got out of that depression, I felt like I was on top of the world and it was that time that I did SO much, so much working out, losing weight, eating perfect, etc. etc. Pretty much being an overachiever.
I get that it wasn't healthy, but I really felt like a superhero during those times. I miss that a bit, but then again...I do know that it means I really am on the right path. Because for those days I felt like a superhero, there were also days that I felt like scum, felt worthless, felt like I was less than nothing. And that took its toll for sure.
Well, back to my even keel life, and getting used to that!!!
Get An Email Alert Each Time ERINBEAR1876 Posts