Binge Free Streak - Day 3

Sunday, April 01, 2012

First of all ~ The comments on my self esteem blog were so amazing, and just gave me a glowy happy grin. I love the support I get from you all! I have wonderful friends on here. SP has given me friendships I wish I had when I was younger, but am so grateful to have now.

On the last blog, I said that yesterday I would get up to go to the gym to work on ST, and also run with my friend I believe (I'm too lazy/tired to check that right now). I did NOT get up in time for the gym because my little girl woke up every half hour from 3 a.m. until I gave up at 6:30 a.m.

So, I did my ST on my breaks (10 a.m. and 3 p.m.). I did lunges, squats, pushups, and crunches along with some triceps dips. I only did about 15 of each one, but took my time and focused on my form and breathing. I was in awe of how hard it seemed!!!! Anyway, I did go running with one of the girls from the running group, and we ran 4 miles. Nonstop. No shin splints!!!! Yay! Next time I see my chiropractor for my ART (active release technique) therapy, I am going to hug him! Nah...but will thank him profusely. I had been battling aching painful shin splints for over 2 months, and this was my first time running pain-free, and still painfree afterwards.

I did great with my eating, and DH, DD, and I had a treat at Cherry Berry in the evening. We just had one open up here not long ago, and I think it is the most AMAZING thing. Kaylee and I always share, and she only likes sprinkles, the perfect topping! Like me, she is a chocolate lover, so we had white chocolate, and the chocolate one. DH had watermelon, banana pudding, and strawberry, and DD ate off his as well ;o}

Today was ROUGH. I mean, I was in a good headspace, but I was SO busy all day. DD was up at 6:45, then I had to leave at 7:40 for the running group, where I am a trainer of the beginners. We are really getting up there in continuous running minutes and I went with 2 of them for 13 minutes of running, 2-1/2 minutes of walking, and repeating that once. The weather was beautiful but for a 17-mph south wind that was a bit chilly. We ended up at about 2.94 miles or something like that. I am so proud of them!!!

Then, after that, I had to run home, and get ready for Spin For Kids. This is my 3rd time doing this. It is a charity event where you raise at least $75 and that money goes to the therapy program at the health system I work at (speech therapy, physical therapy, etc). There are 8 riders I believe, and each person rides for 20 minutes (last year was 25 minutes but I think health issues were raised last year). You basically spin as fast as you can for those 20 minutes. I was rider #7 so I had a while before my turn. It is such an awesome event, so much energy!!! I was planning on taking it easy because of my long run tomorrow, but as always my competitive side came bursting out. I ended up with 13.8 miles during that 20 minutes. I was pretty happy with that!!!

Anyway, after that came nap time, then we went out to a meal with the family. It is Grandma Lou's 85th birthday, and we celebrated at a local steakhouse that is just amazing. Nummy. Fabulous. It was really a fun time, we were there for 2 hours (there were about 20 of us) and I ended up having a hard roll, 1 piece of garlic toast, french onion soup, salad with a bit of ranch dressing, and then a 4-ounce tenderloin steak (rare, very rare), and grilled veggies. Yes, a LOT of food! I didn't finish my soup or salad though. The steak was to DIE for.

And now, I am getting ready for bed, another day where I have been on track, tracking ALL my food, and happy with where I am at. Sure, I still get a little nervous about being home alone, but I am putting myself to work instead of sitting around thinking about that food and about eating it.

Tomorrow is a big day for me.

I am running 8 miles with a friend in the afternoon, and it is going to be hot and windy. I have plotted it out on a map, and I will be placing a water bottle at the halfway point for myself (and probably an extra for her). Here's crossing my fingers that the events over today and yesterday don't leave me so sore that tomorrow really sucks!!!

I love you all for being so awesome to me and supporting me. Love you!!!

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Inner self esteem

Thursday, March 29, 2012

The last 2 weeks have been rough. I derailed nearly completely. If I went through everything that happened, you would have a novella on your hands and my fingers would cramp from all the typing. Suffice it to say, I am back to where I started again. I was down to 176 when I went to Florida on March 3, and today, March 29, I am 185. The yo-yo effect happened again.

I have been to my psychologist, and we dug deeper. Basically, I try to feed my outer self-esteem (looking for affirmation from others) and when that doesn't happen in the way I am hoping (like being "checked out" by other guys), I then turn to my inner self-esteem, which he says I really lack.

Oh, and when I talk about being checked out by guys, I mean that I definitely have self-esteem issue there. I know my husband says I am pretty, but I have issues with that in that I don't feel pretty, and I feel that of COURSE my husband says I'm pretty. I am skinnier now than I ever was during our relationship. Well, actually right now I am at the weight I was when we met ;o}

But, a part of me feels that I am not pretty unless I actually get that confirmation from some guy who doesn't know me, doesn't know my story...

Yes, that sounds vain, but there it is.

Moving on.

When I didn't get "hit on" when I was in Minneapolis minus DH and DD, even though I didn't think about it at the time, it hit me a few days later after getting back home. And it sent me on a binge eating streak, the likes I haven't seen since before my weight loss journey started. It was BAD. I was constantly eating, though my stomach was hurting, though I was getting so sick to my stomach. I was going through drive-thrus, making cookie dough to eat while watching TV, making food at home. I think I had 4-5 meals a day during that 3-day binge, and each one of those meals had to be at LEAST 1000 calories.

I know I have a binge eating disorder that I have fought into remission in the past, but I didn't realize just how ugly it could be. And how hard it would be to crawl back out of that. The last few days weren't perfect, but I wasn't binge eating. I was sick over last weekend, and I spent the last week recovering (it took away all of my energy). I think a part of my lack of energy had to also do with the fact that I haven't run or been to the gym since last Tuesday.

I am not going to talk about my plans, at least not the long-term plans. I will tell you about tomorrow. I will say I am going to weigh in again, I will go to the gym in the morning. I will work on ST. I will run with my friend on my lunch hour. And, I will track every bite of food.

I am on a new path on my journey, one where I am starting out at 185 pounds. Not starting out at 286 pounds. I am proud of myself for losing 100 pounds, but it's time to look at the fact that I need to start losing on my journey of losing 30 pounds.

Thank you for reading this, and for lifting me up. Your support means the world to me. I am going to find myself again in all of this.

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Belated 7K Race Report

Monday, March 26, 2012

I haven't been on my computer all week, so I didn't even think about writing this blog. There is a reason I have not been on here all week, but that is another blog.


This blog is about the race I ran last week in Minneapolis!

First of all, I really don't many (any) pictures of the race really since I didn't have a phone or camera on me (I had decided to run my heart out to see if I could miraculously PR from last year's time, even though I wasn't in the same shape or weight as I was then).

Second of all, this race was run during an absolutely wonderful weekend with Tamie Jo (TJZYSOWSKI) and Paula (MEZZO). It was Paula's birthday that Sunday, and I was there from Friday afternoon until Sunday morning. It was technically my second time meeting TJ, but since the first meeting I didn't really talk to her (she was down the table during a dinner), it was like meeting her for the first time. Holy smokes, she is like my twin in almost every way! It is uncanny, and I love it (and her!). Paula? Amazing, as usual. She is just the sweetest, most kick butt person I know. I love her too :o} She was just finally starting to get a handle on a brutal illness that was trying to kick HER butt.

Okay, race report.

On Saturday morning, we got up at 6:50 since the race was at 9 and we definitely wanted to make sure we had enough time to get there and get in line. Also, since it was a St. Patrick's Day race, I had to get as green as I could. :o}

I had a cute green shirt that had a rainbow and a pot of gold on it, a black wristband with a 4-leaf clover on it, a headband with green puffs on top, knee high green and white socks with the Irish flag on them, a necklace of clovers, and gold eyeshadow. I also had green hair color and gold highlights, but based on what the warnings on the label said, I was a bit nervous about adding it to my recently touched up root blonde hair....

Paula was still feeling really rough, so she stayed back to rest up (hugely awesome call on her part!!).

I had a piece of toast and a banana before leaving, and then we took off!!!

Once we showed up, all we had to do is find the hundreds of people walking to the start line. There were over 8700 runners!!! It was like a sea of green. After we stopped at the long row of port-a-pottys, we started to try to find a place to jump in. TJ and I were wanting to PR, and so we wanted to go as close to the front of the line as possible, but making it only to the 11:00 pace before it was just getting too clogged. It was only a few minutes at that time until the race would start.

We weren't worried, though, about getting in the lineup in time. We had heard that it would take quite a while to get to the start line! And I believe according to what I looked up, it took us 16 minutes. Wow! There was a lot of shuffling until we got up to it. Then, we were off! I started out a little too strong mainly to keep up with the flow of traffic, so to speak. When I looked down at my Garmin, we were running a sub-9:00 pace. Holy smokes!!! The first mile...wow, talk about nostalgia. Going over this little mini-bridge, weaving in and out of the crowds of runners and walkers.

Oh, did I mention that it was 73 degrees and sunny with minimal wind? Last year was a lot cooler. I remember wearing long pants and even gloves!! I am also a lot more used to running in 30-40 degree weather. This affected me a lot during the race, especially after mile 2!!

The first real bridge after the cobblestone type road was tough and by that time I was starting to struggle. That was when I walked for 1 minute about. The second bridge around mile 3.5-ish, I struggled more because it was a much bigger bridge. I started walking at the base of it to gather up strength, then made myself jog up the rest of it. I walked one more time, and that was about mile 4. I knew this would affect my time, but I also had to listen to my body, mainly that I didn't want to overheat! Holy smokes, I was SO hot.

Also, I had my Garmin and I knew exactly where my time was at, and knew that it would take my fasting running every to beat last year's time, and I didn't have that in me. It took all I had to make sure I ran as fast as I did to the end. Funny side note: There was a guy about 1/4 mile from the finish line who yelled to the runners "Pick It Up!!!!" And the girl next to me yelled back "YOU pick it up!!!" Exactly :o}

The finish line was as I remember. So crowded. It took FOREVER to get to our medals, and even longer to get to the water. That is SO not a great thing, especially on such a hot day. I wonder how many people really suffered from having to wait so long to really stretch out and rehydrate? I can understand the logistics, how hard it is to keep a crowd of so many runners controlled, but yeah.

I met up with TJ at a predetermined spot (smart move), and I enjoyed my salty chips and salty nut roll!!! I skipped the muscle milk this year...learned that I hate it last year.

My results:
Chip Time: 45:03 (Pace of 10:22)
Age Group: 569/1467
Gender Place: 2634 out of 6352
Overall: 4295 out of 8786

My results of the 7K last year:
Chip Time: 42:12 (Pace of 9:42)
Division Place (30/34 age group): 253 out of 860
Sex Place: 1160 out of 3668
Overall: 1993 out of 5107

Considering the weather and being 15 pounds heavier than last year? I was psyched about this race :o} Next year? It will BE a PR.

And I leave you with a couple of pictures!

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Five Stages

Friday, March 09, 2012

Okay, I am not going to call this blog Five Stages of Grief, because that is not what I am going to talk about. Grief, that is.

This is about the 5 stages I went through to get me back to where I started. Back to where I need to be.

When I hit lifetime in March 2011, it was like I was set free. I no longer HAD to weigh in every week at WW. I only had to weigh in once a month. And that was okay, for a while. I went through cycles, where I would be "good" for the first week, maybe two, then "have at" for a few days to a week, and then spend the final week before my next weigh in busting my hump to get back to my goal range...well, let's face it, to get just under 162 so I could spend another month not worrying about being so close to my range. It was just a milder form of yo-yo'ing.

In November, I weighed in for the last time. Was that intentionally my last time? No, but between my birthday, Corey's birthday, my dad's birthday, Thanksgiving, and every other excuse in the book, I was no where near my goal range, and I had the mindset that I would take the month off from WW weigh-ins with the excuse that I didn't want to pay the $13 fee again (my weight was 173 the month prior and I had to pay $13). I was too "cheap."

And thus started the first stage: Denial.

I didn't need WW. I could just use SP!!! It had all the tools I needed, and it was FREE!!! And that worked, for short bursts of time. I would be all gung ho, would push myself, most times too hard, burn out quick, then eat my weight in food it seemed. I had cycles where I was taking 2 steps forward, and then 3 steps back.

Going the wrong direction overall.

Sure, I have been staying active. After all, I have $500 invested in races this year, and I refuse to waste all that money because of either injury or not putting in the time training.

The second stage followed not longer after: Anger.

Anger at myself, anger at those around me, anger at everything. I pent up all my rage and channeled it into my runs, but I wasn't getting to the root of my rage/anger. Sure, it made for some good runs, but it was during one of these "rage" runs that I developed shin splints. It was a rage run disguised as a "tempo" run where I set the treadmill at too fast of a pace and pounded the crap out of my legs, legs that were supporting an extra 25-30 pounds. Shin splints almost sound too tame of a description for the searing pain I have felt the last couple of months.

I digress....

The anger eventually turned over to the next stage: Bargaining.

Oh, the bargaining I went through with myself and my DH. I would try logging everything into my SP tracker, weigh in every morning, and as long as my weight continued to drop I would not have to go back to WW.

When that worked only a week, and following a 3-4 day binge, I would then promise myself and DH that I would try "intuitive" eating (eating only when I was hungry), not tracking my food *unless I wanted to* and weighing in every day, and again as long as I lost weight I wouldn't have to go back to WW.

And those plans cycled every so often, with me being successful for a short period of time and then following up with going off the rails completely for 3-4 days. It sounds like that should equal out to 3 steps forward and 2 steps back, not the other way around, but that basically actually led to me being 185-186 the end of each binge cycle, and about 179 the end of each "on track" cycle. Nice yo-yo'ing, right? Not healthy for my body at all.

Then came the next stage: Depression.

This hit me really bad about 2-3 weeks ago. You'll notice that my last blog was about that long of a time ago.

There is a reason.

I withdrew. From darn near everyone except a few people. I felt miserable. Sure, deep down I knew I should call and make an appointment with the psychologist, but I didn't. I figured....well, I thought I would wait until after our vacation. I again hoped I would get down to below 180 before our vacation, but I went on a 3-day binge streak right before, including trying my hardest to eat an 8-inch single-layer Oreo cake I got at Target. Holy moly, did I try. I tried until I about puked. Note how I had to make sure you all know it was "only" an 8-inch single-layer cake? Like it would make a difference to anyone if it was double-layer sheet cake or a single-layer round cake.

Enough of this.

Finally, the most important stage of all finally dawned on me: Acceptance.

First of all, our vacation to Florida was EXACTLY what I/we needed. Time away from responsibility, from friends/relatives, from worry....

We had a fabulous time. The weather was perfect, I actually had summer clothes that fit so I didn't have to buy any (a flipping miracle, I'll tell you).

We ate. A lot. But, we didn't snack, we shared some of our meals. We didn't have any "fourth meals."

And we hiked. A lot. One 8-mile hile, and one 5-mile hike.

I went on a 6.2-mile run on the beach, listening to the ocean waves, the gulls, and just taking it all in.

And it clicked. I need to go back to WW.

Yes, I get that some people don't need certain things, but I finally reached that decision, that not only did I need WW, I needed to go back to basics. I needed to sign up for the $40 monthly pass. I need to weigh in EVERY Tuesday. I need to do what I did to lose 126 pounds. I need to be accountable to myself first of all, but also to the people in the same meeting as me who were/are inspired by me.

So, during the 8-mile hike, I poured all of this out to my DH, including the "cake incident." Yes, I felt shame, but more importantly? I felt hope. I felt like I was moving in the RIGHT direction.

That night in our hotel room, I sent a message to the leader of the WW meeting I attend, and told her the bare bones of the situation, basically saying I was at about 186 pounds, 26 pounds above goal, and I was coming back.

This last Tuesday, I went in, weighed in at 187, and started the plan on Monday (the day before). I got the app on my phone, and I have been counting points, using my activity points when I need to (not my weekly allowance points). Yeah, I wish I could say that I didn't need this program.

But I do.

Because of both WW and myself, I lost 126 pounds.

And I intend to lose 35 pounds, because I changed my goal weight to 155.

I may not blog every day. I may not be here every day. But, I am back. And I am back to basics.

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Accepting Myself

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Yesterday, my mood as each hour dragged on went south. I could palpably feel depression setting in, and I felt trapped by it. I wish I could point at something going on in my life that could have triggered it, but I really don't have something. Yes, my leg was hurting when I run, but I did something about it. I made a doctor appointment and knew I would just take his advice, whatever it was, and go with it, that I couldn't control it. And, I did find out at that appointment that I just have wicked (that was HIS word) shin splints, and he gave me exercises he does when he gets them (he is an avid runner) and to ice after every exercise, no matter what it is.

My daughter went to my mom's after daycare, so I had the house to myself. I planned my dinner because of how I was feeling, and even told my DH that I was feeling at "50%"....

My dinner was a steak and mashed potatoes which, though, good, just had me wanting something....that I am not "supposed" to have. I had a Skinny Cow mint sandwich thing to stave that off. I then called my DH and told him about having the Skinny Cow, wanting more, and that I promised him, and myself, I would have no more food for the rest of the night.

Then, about 20 minutes after getting off the phone with him, I poured myself a medium-sized bowl of Life cereal (about 2.5 servings) and actually added a tablespoon! of sugar on top. The way I "used" to eat this, back when I didn't care what I ate.

Then, when I had to go pick up my little girl, I started planning CONSCIOUSLY buying an ice cream cone at Burger King. Because they are the cheapest at about 90 cents, and I didn't have money on me (for this very reason). When I got into my car, I started digging out the nickels, the dimes...I don't have quarters in there anymore, again for this reason.

About 35 cents in, I stopped. I just stopped. I said...NO. I don't need this cone.

And so I drove to my parents and visited with them for over an hour. Went to the grocery store where DH was working until midnight, and we visited for a bit, I told him about the cereal, following the honesty clause ;o} I said that after I plugged everything into my SP app on my phone, and the calories added up to about 2000. Acknowledged. Moved on.

When I got home, a switch in my head flipped over. I got out the spreadable margarine, added vanilla, powdered sugar, and used the mixer to basically make homemade frosting (basically tastes kind of like buttercream frosting). I mixed in my little girl's leftover mini M&M's she didn't eat from the grocery store. And watched 2 episodes of Grey's Anatomy.

Two days ago, I weighed in at 177.6. Yesterday, with all that sodium, I weighed in at 181.8. Today? 182.4.

And while I am not saying this is good, that obviously yesterday was more of a C-, I am accepting this. Because days like these are going to happen, where despite every good intention, I'll revert for a meal, or a day, back to my binge eating ways. I can't expect perfection from myself. I can't expect my binge eating disorder, my OCD, and my bipolar disorder to be "cured" because I go to counseling, take pills, and make promises to myself and to my husband.

I can just accept it, and move forward.

I am not saying that right now I am back to closer to 95% (I am really never at 100%, or when I am, it is more because I am riding a mental "high" like my counselor says). I am saying I am about 75%. I am making mental strides by writing out this blog. I will tell my husband about what happened last night. Because I am not going to hide this. Yeah, I didn't call him last night, but that was because I didn't want to stop watching Grey's. I didn't want to stop eating that sweet bowl of nastiness. And he would have stopped me. In fact, before I left the grocery store, he reminded me to go to bed early, after I put Kaylee down to bed. Smart man.

Sure, I can wish I could go back and heed his advice, but I know that I would have most likely made the same choice.

I am considering taking a "mental health" half day this morning after bringing Kaylee to daycare since I lost sleep last night due to staying up late, then going to bed with an angry stomach.

Thanks for always being a support for me, and helping me on my path to my acceptance...

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