Sunday, January 15, 2012
I ran 5.5 miles today. Well, I walked part of it :o}
The last 4 days were rough eating-wise. I could make a bunch of excuse (family gatherings, being sick, getting my third period this month...sorry if TMI), but honestly, hhormones raging or not, I just fell splat on my face. There were quite a few warning signs that this was going to happen, and I didn't REALLY face those signs.
But here I sit, weighing in at 184.8 pounds this morning. I want to get down to 160 before March 1. I am STILL going to attempt getting there, but if my best efforts don't get me to that number, I will know I at least tried and that I will eventually get there.
I am in a great mood today despite this, because a) I ran FIVE freaking miles. That felt SO good. I don't care if part of it was walked, and b) I feel a renewed sense of motivation.
Now, I am going to put my little girl down for a nap and then head out to the Red River Runners meeting (Yay for me being a trainer this year for the beginners!!!). Oh, and just because I'm funny like this, I am going to wear a Napolean Dynamite shirt. Yeah, I'm cool.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Yesterday started out great. I was getting my water in. My food intake was right on. I didn't feel hungry, I felt satisfied. I had put in 4 miles on the treadmill (3 running, 1 walking). I did my ST also. I walked my dog for 1 mile, and then put another mile outside with my DH and dog after work.
And I decided that, with 700-1000 calories left over for dinner, it would be nice to have Subway for dinner instead of cooking.
My DH then mentioned the Pizza Ranch, which opened up in December.
So what do I say? Do I say "No...I couldn't possibly eat healthy there, salad bar or not." ??
Nope. I said "Sure! Yum!"
Obviously, my mind was speaking for me...or my tummy.
Or the full moon.
So, forget all the excuses, because there is not ONE that is true. I wanted pizza and by God I was going to get it.
And honestly, that was a huge lesson learned. It's funny, these last 3 weeks I have learned so many lessons and though I am not repeating each of these mistakes that I have learned lessons from, it is amazing how many are cropping up these last few days!
My DH and I each had 4 plates. Sure, there wasn't food touching or piled on, maybe 2 slices with each plate, but MY GOODNESS, that meant that I had 6 slices of pizza, some mashed potatoes with gravy and a cheesy breadstick thing, plus the dessert pizza.
Now, my #1 goal this month (and for every month this year) is to track at least 21 days out of the month. I could have said, no that I will NOT track this. I will also NOT track the dipped cone I had later on as a guilty "I already F'ed up, I may as well have some sugar, yo."
But I did.
And I about died when I saw the calories. Over 3000. What a cruel joke it was. I so rarely have in the past tracked when I had eaten at a buffet (mainly because I didn't want to see the result and also because who can remember when you eat 4 different plates of food???).
SO, DH and I stepped on the scale this morning. Yes, we are geniuses. Of course, mine said 180 pounds (which actually I thought would be MORE than that, but still....I hate seeing 180 again). DH was up 4 pounds.
I tell ya what. I am taking this one day at a time, one hour at a time, and today is a NEW day. Although I am not going to beat myself up, I will LEARN from this and know what I can and SHOULD NOT do.
I should not eat at a buffet. Seriously. And everyone can say "oh, just have a plate of salad and one plate of pizza!"
Trust me, I won't. I obviously CAN, but I won't...and that is a known fact. I just can't control myself in those situations.
That being said, I didn't do much Sparking last night, instead went to bed and got a good night's rest which is something I haven't been doing lately, and I know can lead to extra eating or "tired" eating.
I did get up and go to the gym this morning and put in 50 minutes on the elliptical and felt MUCH better after that.
Onward and upward!!!
Monday, January 09, 2012
Starting Weight on December 26: 182
Weight Last week: 176.6
Today's Weight: 178.2
Projected Weight (for a goal of 160 by March 1): 177.6
I am trying to look at my weight loss from many different angles so I don't become discouraged by what SEEMS like a lack of progress.
First of all, my 6 cookies right before bedtime didn't help matters
Also, though I am up 1.6 from last week, I am still down 3.8 pounds since Christmas. Also, I am only 0.6 above my projected weight that I need to be at for my goal of 160 by March 1. That puts a smile on my face!
This only reinforces the need and WANT for me to work on my nutrition. Most everything else has been above average and I know that the area that needs the MOST work is the amount/quality of food I eat. It will not always be perfect, but each day needs to have some sort of progress, be it mentally, emotionally, or physically working on it.
My weight goal for next week is 175.4 (for where my projected weight should be). That would be a 2.8 pound loss, which sounds like a lot, but I think I can do it. Especially with the fact that my whole weekend was FILLED with sodium :o}
I had a great 3 mile run this morning, and I put in an extra mile walking. I had a great strength training session also. I plan on walking my dog twice today (temps in the 40-50 range!!!) and I will be free to put in the bootcamp DVD (Kaylee will be at my moms).
I will say NO to cookies this evening if my mom has more. I plan on bringing my DH with me so it will be an added deterrent.
Again...SO happy it is Monday!!!
Sunday, January 08, 2012
I tell you, I am CRAVING the structure that starts back up again on Monday!!!!
Although I had a much better day today emotionally, I still made some poor choices with my eating. I did track everything, good and bad, which is keeping in line with one of my goals for January (to track 21 days or more).
I woke up refreshed, and since it was my DH's turn to wake up with our little girl, instead of rolling over and falling asleep again, I got up, got ready for the gym, and ran 4.5 miles while I was there. I had 4 miles scheduled, but felt good and did a little extra.
I did talk to my mom, but it was over the phone, and she obviously got my message the other day. She was very apologetic, and said she would let me know in the future if she couldn't watch Kaylee after saying she will. I said that communication is all I need. I just want to know if plans have changed. I could have said a lot more, but really I was happy with what was said for now. If more needs to be said in the future, they will be said, and I am happy to know that I am more comfortable saying what I need for myself, and putting myself first.
I did have a pretty good day overall, until I went to my mom's to pick Kaylee up. Mom gave me a bag of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies, and I admit that the temptation just got the best of me. I made the choice, and I ate some (okay, 6) with a glass of milk. God it was so good, but really....still not worth the calories; 1 or 2 would have sufficed. I obviously still have a lot to learn about listening to my body and allowing myself treats, but in moderation, not in big chunks. That being said, I am not going to beat myself up, I will just take a lesson from this and move on, move forward. I swear, I am full of advice for other people, but I need to take my OWN advice as well.
I am weighing myself tomorrow. I know it will probably not be a good number, probably up instead of down because of the sodium levels, and the calories more in the maintenance range with only so much activity, but that is just fine. It's not so much about the number anymore. And as long as I am moving forward, there is a lot of January left to reach my goals :o}
My goals for tomorrow are to:
1. Drink water, at least 3 bottles if not 4.
2. Go to the gym in the morning, and put in 3 miles running on the treadmill along with strength training and stretching. I may put in an extra 2 miles of walking.
3. Eat in my calorie ranges, simply put.
4. Go to Bed at a decent time, and do my sparking BEFORE 9 p.m. instead of after Kaylee goes to bed at 9:30.
5. Try to get all my Sparking done at 2 times of the day (during lunch, and before 9 p.m.). If I can't seem to get this under control, I may have to back off on sparking a LITTLE bit. My friend feed has been HOPPING and so many of my friends are active again,..I don't want to leave anyone out!!!
Well, here to the end of the weekend, and onward to another week!
Sunday, January 08, 2012
Usually for me binge eating isn't so much what I eat as much as how much I eat of it and what the cause/effect relationship was. Was there stress? Was there a friction in a relationship? Was I sabotaging? Hating myself, or rather how I looked?
Today early on I designated as a bit of a "cheat" day, or as I called it to my DH, a "lazy day." I still did track everything I had, but most of the tracking was done "after the fact" rather than before I ate it or even right after.
I was feeling run down today (warning sign #1). I had Kaylee home Thursday and Friday because of no daycare, which threw off my rhythm. I didn't get to bed at really good times so my sleep pattern was off. I didn't have any help from the outside (mom was working and/or resting and really couldn't watch her, and my DH was working). Then, last night my DH started coming down with something (sinus-related) and Kaylee was obviously coming down with something too (congested plus a bit of a cough and a low-grade temp of 99.1).
There were plans today to go out to my grandma's with my mom, Kaylee, and I after her nap. I didn't want to bring my daughter if she was at all contagious, because I didn't want my fairly fragile grandma to get sick (she has sleep apnea, diabetes, etc.). So, I called my mom and told her this early on today, around noon (the plan was to go around 3). My mom was fine with it, saying she would go earlier then, and plan on calling me when she got home so she could have Kaylee over to watch her.
I was pretty happy with that, since I thought it would be a great opportunity to go to the gym. I knew I needed to run off some stress. Sure, I could pop in a DVD, walk the dog, but honestly today I just really wanted the gym atmosphere.
So, 5 o'clock comes and goes.
By this time, I am fairly upset. Okay, it's not a biggie that my mom obviously couldn't watch her. I had planned on hitting the gym, but it wouldn't be the end of the world if I didn't go.
The reason I was upset? Because she had obviously gone to the casino. Gambling. Something that I just hate that she does, because I know she has a problem with it. She knows it, though now I think she believes she has her gambling "under control."
What makes me more upset about this, is that she was planning to go there after the visit to grandma's. How do I know this? Because when I called their house, my brother (who still lives there) said that my dad, sister, AND mom went to visit grandma.
Please. My dad doesn't "visit." Ever. The only reason I could see him "suffer" through a visit there is if at the end there was a casino run.
When I texted my sister earlier (around 4), she replied at 4:45 that they were leaving grandma's. At 7:45 when I asked if they were home yet, she said they were "just leaving" though my uncle, who was there the whole time, said they left earlier, around 6.
I called my mom because I am just tired of beating around the bush and pretending that she doesn't have an addiction and pretending that it isn't impacting our lives.
One of the reasons I am upset is because her reliability and trustworthiness is in question. When she is gambling, she falls off the radar and becomes incommunicado for a long period of time (talking at least a day). In the past, she would miss picking Kaylee up when she said she'd be there (from daycare), and this happened at least 2-3 times (including days I was supposed to bring her there).
I love that my mom wants to watch Kaylee, but it worries me that if I really need someone to watch her, can I trust that my mom will be there? Sure, I can have my dad, sister, or brother do it, but it really sucks when my mom says she will do something, but then goes missing in action.
Okay, I have a feeling this all sounds whiny as I type this, that I rely on my mom too often to watch Kaylee, but this really isn't the case. I love being with my little girl, but my mom loves watching Kaylee too and often says that she wants to watch her as often as she can.
There is more to this story, but underneath it all I just hate being avoided, being lied to, and not having the communication that I need. Not being able to trust my own mom. That really sucks. I just wish she would own up to this. I left her a message tonight basically saying that if she is going to go gambling, to at least call me and let me know she will NOT be watching Kaylee so I don't spend the evening wondering what the heck is going on and having to literally do an investigation to sort out what happened and weed out the truth from the lies because I do NOT want to accuse or bring things up without having "evidence."
I also said at the end of the message that I will be talking with her sooner rather than later. I think it is time we talked, one on one, about this. I hate confrontation, but in order for me to move forward in my recovery, with my counseling, this needs to happen. Otherwise, I internalize it.
And with that, the point of this blog:
I wanted to binge this evening SO badly after all that went down. And in a way, I really feel like today was one big snacky binge. Sure, I didn't sit down and eat a ton of food. I didn't have a "fourth meal." But...it was the feeling that I was smothering while I was eating. I wasn't working through my emotions with activity or really talking it out. I did tell DH I was feeling depressed today, but I couldn't really say why beyond that I was stressed out a bit.
I was thinking about my binge eating in the past that ended with me weighing about 300 pounds, and so I remember one day of what I ate (yeah, when you eat so much in one day, you remember what you ate....at least I do) and I put it in my tracker and copied it so as to see what it looked like:
And here is what I had today:
Here are my stats for nutrition for the week:
You know what? I am pretty happy overall with how today was compared to what it COULD have been. I know I am still going in the right direction, but a few things need to happen:
1. I need to go to the gym tomorrow. This is a MUST. I will run, I will work hard until I feel the endorphins kick in.
2. I need to make an appointment to see the counselor this week. I don't want to wait until I slide back into depression and eating horribly before I see him.
3. I need to talk to my mom. I need to tell her how I feel. I have not done this because I don't want to add to the stress in her life (she has a lot between my siblings and my dad, work, etc.), but now it's hurting me, hurting my relationship with her, and causing ME stress. I need to put myself first here. And I need to stop enabling her by not giving her consequences for her actions. She obviously has way too many enablers already.
4. I need to drink a LOT of water tomorrow, and eat a lot cleaner. The sodium and fat of today just has me CRAVING water.
And now I am off to Spark before falling asleep.
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