ERINBEAR1876   27,451
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Sunday, January 15, 2012

I ran 5.5 miles today. Well, I walked part of it :o}

The last 4 days were rough eating-wise. I could make a bunch of excuse (family gatherings, being sick, getting my third period this month...sorry if TMI), but honestly, hhormones raging or not, I just fell splat on my face. There were quite a few warning signs that this was going to happen, and I didn't REALLY face those signs.

But here I sit, weighing in at 184.8 pounds this morning. I want to get down to 160 before March 1. I am STILL going to attempt getting there, but if my best efforts don't get me to that number, I will know I at least tried and that I will eventually get there.

I am in a great mood today despite this, because a) I ran FIVE freaking miles. That felt SO good. I don't care if part of it was walked, and b) I feel a renewed sense of motivation.

Now, I am going to put my little girl down for a nap and then head out to the Red River Runners meeting (Yay for me being a trainer this year for the beginners!!!). Oh, and just because I'm funny like this, I am going to wear a Napolean Dynamite shirt. Yeah, I'm cool.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MRS.CARLY 1/21/2012 8:52PM

    I feel good after I get some miles under my belt too! Way to go!

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    Way to hang in there, my friend! You are on the right track, and your attitude is awesome! emoticon

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HEALTHYASHLEY 1/16/2012 11:09AM

    Good for you for keeping up with your running. You can do it lady

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GABRIELLEVA 1/16/2012 8:30AM

    Great job on the run!!!

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GAELENEC 1/16/2012 7:56AM

    You did awesome! you should be VERY proud of yourself.

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DUSTYGIRL25 1/16/2012 4:15AM

    Yay! Good for you for doing so great!

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MUMMAMICHELLE 1/16/2012 2:34AM

    Nice job on 5 miles! Woohoo for coaching and motivating the newbies too.

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EYES_ON_THEPRAZ 1/15/2012 7:05PM

    Way to go on that long run, what an inspiration!

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    CONGRATULATIONS on your run! Keep up the GREAT work!


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TJDOESLIFE 1/15/2012 4:21PM

    5.5 miles!!!!! Woot woot!!
We are still nearly the same weight...we can do this! My goal is 165 by March 1, but I would be delighted to be 160!! I am in this with you. I challenge you to a 2 lb loss this week...just w lbs!! Let's take it one week at a time....are you in?? ;)
And P.S. Could you please move closer to me!!???! XOXO!!!!

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Cruel Joke

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Yesterday started out great. I was getting my water in. My food intake was right on. I didn't feel hungry, I felt satisfied. I had put in 4 miles on the treadmill (3 running, 1 walking). I did my ST also. I walked my dog for 1 mile, and then put another mile outside with my DH and dog after work.

And I decided that, with 700-1000 calories left over for dinner, it would be nice to have Subway for dinner instead of cooking.

My DH then mentioned the Pizza Ranch, which opened up in December.



So what do I say? Do I say "No...I couldn't possibly eat healthy there, salad bar or not." ??

Nope. I said "Sure! Yum!"


Obviously, my emoticon mind was speaking for me...or my tummy.

Or the full moon.


So, forget all the excuses, because there is not ONE that is true. I wanted pizza and by God I was going to get it.

And honestly, that was a huge lesson learned. It's funny, these last 3 weeks I have learned so many lessons and though I am not repeating each of these mistakes that I have learned lessons from, it is amazing how many are cropping up these last few days!

My DH and I each had 4 plates. Sure, there wasn't food touching or piled on, maybe 2 slices with each plate, but MY GOODNESS, that meant that I had 6 slices of pizza, some mashed potatoes with gravy and a cheesy breadstick thing, plus the dessert pizza.


Now, my #1 goal this month (and for every month this year) is to track at least 21 days out of the month. I could have said, no that I will NOT track this. I will also NOT track the dipped cone I had later on as a guilty "I already F'ed up, I may as well have some sugar, yo."

But I did.

And I about died when I saw the calories. Over 3000. What a cruel joke it was. I so rarely have in the past tracked when I had eaten at a buffet (mainly because I didn't want to see the result and also because who can remember when you eat 4 different plates of food???).


SO, DH and I stepped on the scale this morning. Yes, we are geniuses. Of course, mine said 180 pounds (which actually I thought would be MORE than that, but still....I hate seeing 180 again). DH was up 4 pounds.

I tell ya what. I am taking this one day at a time, one hour at a time, and today is a NEW day. Although I am not going to beat myself up, I will LEARN from this and know what I can and SHOULD NOT do.

I should not eat at a buffet. Seriously. And everyone can say "oh, just have a plate of salad and one plate of pizza!"

Trust me, I won't. I obviously CAN, but I won't...and that is a known fact. I just can't control myself in those situations.

That being said, I didn't do much Sparking last night, instead went to bed and got a good night's rest which is something I haven't been doing lately, and I know can lead to extra eating or "tired" eating.

I did get up and go to the gym this morning and put in 50 minutes on the elliptical and felt MUCH better after that.

Onward and upward!!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TEENY_BIKINI 1/12/2012 9:29PM

    You got this!


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RUNNINGPFUHL 1/11/2012 8:55PM

    First of all, it's probably mostly sodium. And secondly it's a lack of hydration. You need at least 8 glasses of water if you didn't exercise at all. But because you got a lot of exercise in, you need to have a glass for every 20-30 minutes of exercise.

I promise you didn't gain 2-3 pounds overnight. :)

So drink A LOT of water! A LOT!

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RAINEMARIE214 1/11/2012 3:50PM

    Ugh, I went to a pizza buffet ONCE. I will NEVER do that again. I LOVE pizza way too much to NOT go back 5000 times for more!!! But good on you for tracking it and holding yourself accountable, when you could have taken the easy way out. You are quite fabulous!

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MIAMI_LILLY 1/11/2012 3:38PM

    I don't know which is, or a buffet. Oh, wait...a pizza buffet. I would eat myself sick. Damn pizza. Cheesy goodness.

Thank goodness we can wake up, and start over.

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AURORA1423 1/11/2012 11:20AM

    You can do it!!!! emoticon

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MOM2MXKE 1/10/2012 11:31PM

    Proud of u for tracking it(:

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    There is no way to win with Pizza. Impossible. I don't even care for pizza, but even 1 or 2 slices is still ridiculous. Move on, don't go back.

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MRS.CARLY 1/10/2012 7:21PM

    I CANNOT go near a freaking buffet! I do not know how to "smaller portions", not to mention that everything would actually make me sick.

BUT on a positive note I have to say AWESOME job with tracking. When we don't track (I'm guilty of it), it is easy for us to go back and do it again, but now that you know how many calories is in a trip like, you will think twice about it!

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GABRIELLEVA 1/10/2012 5:54PM

    The best thing you could have done was chart to see how much you ate...I really commend you for that emoticon Even though you know you went over, now you know what 3000 cals of pizza buffet looks like. So, instead of saying you'll never do that again, maybe next time you can think back to what you ate this time and have 4 pieces, etc. I admire your honesty with this post...hang in there!!! emoticon

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MBSHAZZER 1/10/2012 4:59PM

    Just say no to the buffet! I have no willpower around those. The BF wanted to go to the Indian buffet the other day, which is my downfall, so I got myself out of the house and away from him and his evil suggestions!

My one exception to the buffet rule is Sweet Tomatoes - can't do tooooo much damage at a salad bar!

Anyway, I find the key when I do over indulge is to just put it behind you... it happens when it happens and should have NO bearing on any future meals. Just enjoy and resolve to not do it again anytime soon!

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    Oh, Erin! Pizza gets me every time!
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 1/10/2012 4:22:09 PM

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    I've been there. Buffets and me don't mix either lol. Good for you though! You realized what needs to be changed, counted the calories, moved on and still worked out the next day. That is amazing :)

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BRANDI.FEY 1/10/2012 3:36PM

    I can't do buffets, either. My husband loves them, which makes them hard to avoid. I'm trying to learn constraint, but it's hard to overcome that mindset "eat your money's worth."

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GETFIT2LIVE 1/10/2012 3:08PM

    Buffets are evil! emoticon

Okay, maybe not, but they are dangerous for most of us. They are generally not worth the damage they can do in my experience--lesson learned. You did great by tracking it, getting a good night's rest, and and moving on!

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REDBIRDFLY 1/10/2012 2:59PM

    Nooooooo....BAD BUFFET....BAD BUFFET I won't get anywhere near you found out...danger zone. Good girl for learning the lesson...We've all been there. Thanks for sharing! emoticon

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MICHSTATE 1/10/2012 1:45PM

    I can't even think when I went to a buffet last, I don't trust myself there!!!!

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SBW1027 1/10/2012 1:22PM

    Its good that you actually tracked the foods you ate. I think that helps put into perspective so you don't do it again. When you actually see that you ate 2 days of calories in one day it is eye openeing. You are doing fantastic and you have a great mindset on not allowing this to happen in the future.

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CANDYXPERT 1/10/2012 1:18PM

    I am so impressed that you tracked it and plan to learn from it. So many times I have done this but kinda pretended it never happend - lol.

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ANDI571 1/10/2012 1:17PM

    Buffets are life's cruel joke aren't they. I eat pizza, but I stick with just ordering a small pizza for my husband and I to split. He usually gets sausage on his half, and I get veggies on mine. I am surprised now how I like the veggies, and I don't care for he sausage anymore. The tastes buds do change.

We had a spaghetti dinner out last night. It is amazing how quick those calories amount up. I was over my calorie range also. But I did track them.

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JENNY888 1/10/2012 12:47PM

    It is really good that every day is a new day and you can start over again. Tracking seems to be the key. It is easy to ignore what you do otherwise. Learn from the experience and try not to repeat it. I know how hard this is, but we can do it.

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MNGIRLIE 1/10/2012 12:40PM

    Ooooh!!! I know just how much of a cruel mistress that Pizza Ranch could be. They opened up two restaurants near me. One where I live and one in St Cloud where I work and visit family. I know what you mean about it being pretty much impossible to NOT eat that pizza when you go there.

I used to have the same problem with Chinese buffets. Until my FH and I went 2 or 3 times in a row over a few months and none of the trips was even satisfying. The food wasn't that great and I finally said that I didn't want to go any more and that if we DID need to go to a chinese buffet that it would be rarely. We haven't been since. It just didn't seem worth it with the quality of the food for the calories. Now... i haven't gotten to that point with P.R. yet, but hopefully it's coming.

I too have been tracking my pig-out days. It's pretty eye opening.

Good for you for tracking everything and coming here and letting it out.

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PAMNANGEL 1/10/2012 12:39PM

    We all have our 'splurges' occaisionally. It happens, you track it, you move on.

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DEAFMELODY 1/10/2012 12:28PM

    I'm SO glad that you're not letting it completely throw you off. We all have weaknesses that come into play (such as a chicken, pizza and potato buffet) but as long as we learn from them and keep on keepin' on!


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IFDEEVARUNS2 1/10/2012 12:25PM

    Lesson learned! I can't do buffets either.

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PINKBEANBOO 1/10/2012 12:17PM

    I think it is GREAT that you tracked it & that you know how many calories all that was. I've got a feeling you & hubby won't be going back to the pizza ranch for a looooong time.

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KANSASROSE67 1/10/2012 12:04PM

    You are doing all the rights things by tracking it, blogging about it, and then moving on from it!

This weekend I was trapped in a place with a big bag of Oreos (long story) and the result wasn't pretty. I understand about there being some things that are beyond willpower!!!

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HEALTHYASHLEY 1/10/2012 12:01PM

    Good for you for learning from it. There are places I just can't eat. I hate tracking that stuff too. One good thing is my fiance hates pizza, which I love, so I rarely get it. I am proud of you for being so open about it

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My weekly weigh-in

Monday, January 09, 2012

Starting Weight on December 26: 182
Weight Last week: 176.6
Today's Weight: 178.2
Projected Weight (for a goal of 160 by March 1): 177.6

I am trying to look at my weight loss from many different angles so I don't become discouraged by what SEEMS like a lack of progress.

First of all, my 6 cookies right before bedtime didn't help matters emoticon

Also, though I am up 1.6 from last week, I am still down 3.8 pounds since Christmas. Also, I am only 0.6 above my projected weight that I need to be at for my goal of 160 by March 1. That puts a smile on my face!

This only reinforces the need and WANT for me to work on my nutrition. Most everything else has been above average and I know that the area that needs the MOST work is the amount/quality of food I eat. It will not always be perfect, but each day needs to have some sort of progress, be it mentally, emotionally, or physically working on it.

My weight goal for next week is 175.4 (for where my projected weight should be). That would be a 2.8 pound loss, which sounds like a lot, but I think I can do it. Especially with the fact that my whole weekend was FILLED with sodium :o}

I had a great 3 mile run this morning, and I put in an extra mile walking. I had a great strength training session also. I plan on walking my dog twice today (temps in the 40-50 range!!!) and I will be free to put in the bootcamp DVD (Kaylee will be at my moms).

I will say NO to cookies this evening if my mom has more. I plan on bringing my DH with me so it will be an added deterrent.

Again...SO happy it is Monday!!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RUNNINGPFUHL 1/11/2012 8:50PM

    There will be ups and downs and plateaus. Don't get discouraged. Sounds like you had some nutritional challenges, sugar and sodium. Don't let that get the best of you.

Drink A LOT of water. I mean to where you're drinking it and peeing it out. Also to keep myself drinking water and keeping hydrated, I drink herbal tea. I make weak peppermint or chamomile tea. If it's clear, non caffeinated (or carbonated) and no sugar (not even artificial) you can consider it water.

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MOM2MXKE 1/11/2012 11:17AM

    I am sure that you will hit your GOALS!!! Thanks for being such a great inspiration (:

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MSILVER94 1/10/2012 10:40AM

    Great mindset!! And you really are right on track to your goals!!! You can do it!!!

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DUSTYGIRL25 1/9/2012 11:01PM

    You're gonna Do It!!

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MICHSTATE 1/9/2012 5:31PM

    Good job Erin!! I have the same issue with food, especially the "quantity" of food that I eat!!!! I can eat a disgusting amount of food pretty easily!!!
I really have to go to bed at least a little hungry to lose weight!!!

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LORIBURKS1 1/9/2012 5:18PM

    LOVE your positive attitude - that will conquer anything.

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DRB13_1 1/9/2012 2:48PM

My problem (one of them, at least) is that it didn't "click" that I have to deprive myself when I eat if I am to limit myself to the calories it will take to lose weight. Now that I am committed to making my own meals at home, I'm able to eat MORE because there are fewer calories in vegetables and the volume make me feel full and more satisfied. I try not to drink my calories. And I have a list of alternative activities for when I go into the kitchen but am not really hungry.
This year I am paying attention to the daily calorie total and proportions that are carbohydrates, protein and fat. Having the information allows me to make better decisions.

If you discover your weight loss ever stalls this year, remember that you want to lose "excess fat" and keep the metabolically active muscle. My scale is not going down in pounds (yet), but the percent body fat IS going down so I feel like I'm on track toward my goals. I had to stop entering some of the weight loss challenges because my body just doesn't work that way...slow but steady til I get there.

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EYES_ON_THEPRAZ 1/9/2012 1:14PM

    Oooh your "projected" goal thing is really cool because you're setting realistic goals and following thru, not just wishing for some huge number!

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PAMATX 1/9/2012 12:12PM

    You are doing great! Overall loss since Christmas of 4 pounds! Woohoo! Three mile run! Woot!

Cookies are my nemesis, too.

emoticon emoticon

Have a great week!

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    You LOST emoticon and I GAINED! emoticon

I am on that clean slate today, though! emoticon

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So glad the weekend is over...

Sunday, January 08, 2012

I tell you, I am CRAVING the structure that starts back up again on Monday!!!!

Although I had a much better day today emotionally, I still made some poor choices with my eating. I did track everything, good and bad, which is keeping in line with one of my goals for January (to track 21 days or more).

I woke up refreshed, and since it was my DH's turn to wake up with our little girl, instead of rolling over and falling asleep again, I got up, got ready for the gym, and ran 4.5 miles while I was there. I had 4 miles scheduled, but felt good and did a little extra.

I did talk to my mom, but it was over the phone, and she obviously got my message the other day. She was very apologetic, and said she would let me know in the future if she couldn't watch Kaylee after saying she will. I said that communication is all I need. I just want to know if plans have changed. I could have said a lot more, but really I was happy with what was said for now. If more needs to be said in the future, they will be said, and I am happy to know that I am more comfortable saying what I need for myself, and putting myself first.

I did have a pretty good day overall, until I went to my mom's to pick Kaylee up. Mom gave me a bag of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies, and I admit that the temptation just got the best of me. I made the choice, and I ate some (okay, 6) with a glass of milk. God it was so good, but really....still not worth the calories; 1 or 2 would have sufficed. I obviously still have a lot to learn about listening to my body and allowing myself treats, but in moderation, not in big chunks. That being said, I am not going to beat myself up, I will just take a lesson from this and move on, move forward. I swear, I am full of advice for other people, but I need to take my OWN advice as well.

I am weighing myself tomorrow. I know it will probably not be a good number, probably up instead of down because of the sodium levels, and the calories more in the maintenance range with only so much activity, but that is just fine. It's not so much about the number anymore. And as long as I am moving forward, there is a lot of January left to reach my goals :o}

My goals for tomorrow are to:
1. Drink water, at least 3 bottles if not 4.
2. Go to the gym in the morning, and put in 3 miles running on the treadmill along with strength training and stretching. I may put in an extra 2 miles of walking.
3. Eat in my calorie ranges, simply put.
4. Go to Bed at a decent time, and do my sparking BEFORE 9 p.m. instead of after Kaylee goes to bed at 9:30.
5. Try to get all my Sparking done at 2 times of the day (during lunch, and before 9 p.m.). If I can't seem to get this under control, I may have to back off on sparking a LITTLE bit. My friend feed has been HOPPING and so many of my friends are active again,..I don't want to leave anyone out!!!

Well, here to the end of the weekend, and onward to another week!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RUNNINGPFUHL 1/11/2012 8:45PM

    The cookie is what it is.... Glad you didn't linger on that choice.

Moms have a way of getting the best of us.... I know first hand about that.

I found a new quote recently:
You're not a dog, stop rewarding yourself with food.

I keep that in my mind when I want to grab something I don't need. That offers no nutritional value to my body.

You know what to do!! And you're making great goals for yourself!! :)

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RUNNER4LIFE08 1/9/2012 10:54AM

    Glad you can look past the binge on the cookies. We are only human and I would have been tempted to do the same.

Today is a new day!!!! emoticon

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EMILY-THE-GOOD 1/9/2012 10:23AM

    Those are great goals. What a good way to regain focus when you veer off path!

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-POOKIE- 1/9/2012 10:12AM

    *hugs* structure is so good, I know despite how hard I work I do look forward to work for the structure it gives me

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MISSBEX24 1/9/2012 10:04AM

    I know what you mean about the structure of the week - it makes life SOOOOO much easier sometimes!!

As far as the cookies...How many would it have been in the past? Only 6? Or maybe 12? Don't forget to look at how far you've come. You seem to be counting it, owning it, and moving on which is so healthy. :)

Your goals look great - I know you can achieve them!! Good luck!

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    I love the structure of the week as well... I totally know what you mean!

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    I hear you, it's easy to be distracted by all that needs to be done during the week and not do random snacking! Here's to a good week ahead!!!!

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    Those cookies! I would have probably done the same. That is something that I will always a battle.

Nothing wrong with backing off the Sparking. You are the most important. There is just no way to be 100% all the time.

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MAMADWARF 1/8/2012 11:51PM

    You can't do it all. Make yourself a priority. I had to get over answering each comment etc. Its just too hard. Do what you can,,,thus is about you after all. Oh yeah, I told the cookies to back off for you!! I have no control over those little monsters when they are at my house so I totally get it. On to Monday!!

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HEATHER502 1/8/2012 11:39PM

    I am right with you about the weekend. We were so busy and I didn't have time to exercise! I stayed within my calorie range, just barely. But I feel terrible and I'm craving that weekday routine again. It sounds like your goals for tomorrow are going to get you back on track! Good luck!!!

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Binge of the Past vs Binge of the Present?

Sunday, January 08, 2012

Usually for me binge eating isn't so much what I eat as much as how much I eat of it and what the cause/effect relationship was. Was there stress? Was there a friction in a relationship? Was I sabotaging? Hating myself, or rather how I looked?

Today early on I designated as a bit of a "cheat" day, or as I called it to my DH, a "lazy day." I still did track everything I had, but most of the tracking was done "after the fact" rather than before I ate it or even right after.

I was feeling run down today (warning sign #1). I had Kaylee home Thursday and Friday because of no daycare, which threw off my rhythm. I didn't get to bed at really good times so my sleep pattern was off. I didn't have any help from the outside (mom was working and/or resting and really couldn't watch her, and my DH was working). Then, last night my DH started coming down with something (sinus-related) and Kaylee was obviously coming down with something too (congested plus a bit of a cough and a low-grade temp of 99.1).

There were plans today to go out to my grandma's with my mom, Kaylee, and I after her nap. I didn't want to bring my daughter if she was at all contagious, because I didn't want my fairly fragile grandma to get sick (she has sleep apnea, diabetes, etc.). So, I called my mom and told her this early on today, around noon (the plan was to go around 3). My mom was fine with it, saying she would go earlier then, and plan on calling me when she got home so she could have Kaylee over to watch her.

I was pretty happy with that, since I thought it would be a great opportunity to go to the gym. I knew I needed to run off some stress. Sure, I could pop in a DVD, walk the dog, but honestly today I just really wanted the gym atmosphere.

So, 5 o'clock comes and goes.



By this time, I am fairly upset. Okay, it's not a biggie that my mom obviously couldn't watch her. I had planned on hitting the gym, but it wouldn't be the end of the world if I didn't go.

The reason I was upset? Because she had obviously gone to the casino. Gambling. Something that I just hate that she does, because I know she has a problem with it. She knows it, though now I think she believes she has her gambling "under control."

What makes me more upset about this, is that she was planning to go there after the visit to grandma's. How do I know this? Because when I called their house, my brother (who still lives there) said that my dad, sister, AND mom went to visit grandma.

Please. My dad doesn't "visit." Ever. The only reason I could see him "suffer" through a visit there is if at the end there was a casino run.

When I texted my sister earlier (around 4), she replied at 4:45 that they were leaving grandma's. At 7:45 when I asked if they were home yet, she said they were "just leaving" though my uncle, who was there the whole time, said they left earlier, around 6.

I called my mom because I am just tired of beating around the bush and pretending that she doesn't have an addiction and pretending that it isn't impacting our lives.

One of the reasons I am upset is because her reliability and trustworthiness is in question. When she is gambling, she falls off the radar and becomes incommunicado for a long period of time (talking at least a day). In the past, she would miss picking Kaylee up when she said she'd be there (from daycare), and this happened at least 2-3 times (including days I was supposed to bring her there).

I love that my mom wants to watch Kaylee, but it worries me that if I really need someone to watch her, can I trust that my mom will be there? Sure, I can have my dad, sister, or brother do it, but it really sucks when my mom says she will do something, but then goes missing in action.

Okay, I have a feeling this all sounds whiny as I type this, that I rely on my mom too often to watch Kaylee, but this really isn't the case. I love being with my little girl, but my mom loves watching Kaylee too and often says that she wants to watch her as often as she can.

There is more to this story, but underneath it all I just hate being avoided, being lied to, and not having the communication that I need. Not being able to trust my own mom. That really sucks. I just wish she would own up to this. I left her a message tonight basically saying that if she is going to go gambling, to at least call me and let me know she will NOT be watching Kaylee so I don't spend the evening wondering what the heck is going on and having to literally do an investigation to sort out what happened and weed out the truth from the lies because I do NOT want to accuse or bring things up without having "evidence."

I also said at the end of the message that I will be talking with her sooner rather than later. I think it is time we talked, one on one, about this. I hate confrontation, but in order for me to move forward in my recovery, with my counseling, this needs to happen. Otherwise, I internalize it.

And with that, the point of this blog:

I wanted to binge this evening SO badly after all that went down. And in a way, I really feel like today was one big snacky binge. Sure, I didn't sit down and eat a ton of food. I didn't have a "fourth meal." was the feeling that I was smothering while I was eating. I wasn't working through my emotions with activity or really talking it out. I did tell DH I was feeling depressed today, but I couldn't really say why beyond that I was stressed out a bit.

I was thinking about my binge eating in the past that ended with me weighing about 300 pounds, and so I remember one day of what I ate (yeah, when you eat so much in one day, you remember what you least I do) and I put it in my tracker and copied it so as to see what it looked like:

And here is what I had today:

Here are my stats for nutrition for the week:

You know what? I am pretty happy overall with how today was compared to what it COULD have been. I know I am still going in the right direction, but a few things need to happen:

1. I need to go to the gym tomorrow. This is a MUST. I will run, I will work hard until I feel the endorphins kick in.

2. I need to make an appointment to see the counselor this week. I don't want to wait until I slide back into depression and eating horribly before I see him.

3. I need to talk to my mom. I need to tell her how I feel. I have not done this because I don't want to add to the stress in her life (she has a lot between my siblings and my dad, work, etc.), but now it's hurting me, hurting my relationship with her, and causing ME stress. I need to put myself first here. And I need to stop enabling her by not giving her consequences for her actions. She obviously has way too many enablers already.

4. I need to drink a LOT of water tomorrow, and eat a lot cleaner. The sodium and fat of today just has me CRAVING water.

And now I am off to Spark before falling asleep.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MIZCATHI 1/10/2012 2:54PM

    It is so good you have found an outlet to work this out for yourself instead of letting it eat you alive, literally. I admire how you are taking care of yourself.

My mother once had a gambling addiction when my Mom lived in Vegas. My father almost left her over it, and they had been married for 40+ years by then.

What stopped it? My father learned he was dying of cancer but didn't tell any of us. He moved my Mother lock stock and barrel out of Vegas to my sister's town in FL and then died 6 months later. It was horrifically shocking.

She is now 79 and suffering from last stage COPD. She smoked for years along with the gambling. She is in constant pain from degenerative spinal disease and is legally blind with macular degeneration.

She was a cigarette addict, a functional alcoholic, an enabler, and a gambler.

It's ruining her life, such that it is.

Comment edited on: 1/10/2012 2:55:08 PM

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HEALTHYASHLEY 1/10/2012 12:12PM

    It isn't selfish to be concerned about your daughters well being and the truth is that someone with an addiction that affects their ability to be responsible is not reliable. She is hurting you and your daughter with her behavior. Good for you for putting it out there even if you didn't get the resolution you wanted right away. Hugs

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RAINEMARIE214 1/9/2012 10:55AM

    You really are making a lot of progress in controlling your binging, which is fantastic!!!

I am really sorry you have to deal with that stuff with your mom :(

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MISSBEX24 1/9/2012 10:08AM

    Aside from the crappy day/situation...Awesome progress!!!! I try to look at that when I binge now too. My binges are hardly binges and happen much less often than in the past. It's definitely a good feeling (after the bad feelings and guilt from the binge are gone) to see how far you have come.

You have a great plan that shows great strength!!

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ADAGIO_CON_BRIO 1/8/2012 3:56PM

    You are a real example of grace under pressure! You don't deny the problems but you know how to be honest and think about them creatively and helpfully and successfully.

Best wishes!

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PAMATX 1/8/2012 2:09PM

    Sounds like you are doing pretty well with things, taking care of yourself despite these challenges. I just finished reading Codependent, No More. Again. I needed the reminder. Again. I needed the reminder so I can more easily stick with my goal of staying away from bad men. Which stems from growing up in an alcoholic household. So, yes, I can relate.

Thanks for the reminder that I too need those cardio endorphins today!


emoticon emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 1/8/2012 2:10:30 PM

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_AIYANNA_ 1/8/2012 12:06PM

    I am so sorry you have to deal with this situation, Erin. I do believe you have to talk to your mother and I sincerely hope she is open to what you have to say. Good luck and I'll be thinking of you.

Elen xxx

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TARANITUP 1/8/2012 9:08AM

    I'm sorry you are having to deal with all of this, I think a one on one sitdown with your mom is definitely in order, as hard as it will be. And your comparison between binges is astounding! Keep staying strong...

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_COSMOPAULATAN_ 1/8/2012 9:03AM

    Hey Love. Isn't this just hitting the nail on the head? "Underneath it all I just hate being avoided, being lied to, and not having the communication that I need". For me, I find the same thing. I am frustrated with people or situations because MY needs aren't getting met when they act or don't act, say or don't say certain things.

I am proud that you were able to make better choices for your day. That is all w have to do, one day at a time. emoticon

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MICHSTATE 1/8/2012 8:37AM

    That sounds like a good plan....hugs!!!!!

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APED7969 1/8/2012 5:40AM

    Good plan to talk to your mother. Gambling problems are hard to deal with, difficult to deal with the lying and disappearing and then the wondering every time you can't get in touch if that's why. I dealt with my husband having some problems earlier this year, it seems to be sorted now but I still question him and look for betting tickets which then annoys him. We got help with a free counseler, may be useful to talk to your counseler about it before you confront your mother. Good luck!

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REDSHOES2011 1/8/2012 12:08AM

    emoticonGood luck...

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