Friday, January 06, 2012
I have 50 minutes of crosstraining on my schedule today, and was planning on doing the elliptical this morning, but because I was up late Sparking (so totally worth it), I decided to do my bootcamp DVD instead after Kaylee goes to my mom's. That will be perfect, since I will be alone and working out will be much better than having a few hours of worrying about binge eating. There is a Sparker who has a binge-free streak going (SLIMKATIE) and she is someone who I really have a lot in common with, and I definitely look up to. So, today I am 14 days binge-free, and for me that is HUGE!! I want to keep that streak going!
Kaylee's appointment yesterday went great. The lymph node is definitely enlarged, but in the presence of any worrisome symptoms (less energy, losing weight, etc) and because the node is soft and mobile (hard nodes that can't be moved are much more worrisome), she told me that there is nothing to worry about, and to just keep an eye on her symptoms if she develops any or to come back in if the node gets bigger AND harder. I felt reassured. She did tell me that if I want a second opinion, she can refer Kaylee to an ear, nose, and throat specialist at any time. But I told her that for now that is not needed, that she definitely reassured me.
So that stress is relieved!!!
Last night, I went to bed binge-free, and only 20 or so calories over my limit (which I don't worry about going over by up to 300 since my "limit" is set for losing 2 pounds a week, and I am going by my body signals more than anything). Some days I am just hungrier than others, but yesterday I just wanted to eat for the sake of eating.
I have another day with my little girl, and instead of dreading the day (because I tend to eat bad when I have her home alone...because I use it as an excuse/rationalizing), I am excited. I have a lot of plans for us today, but if any of those plans fall through, not a problem.
I also decided not to weigh myself until Monday (I have been weighing myself every other day). The scale has been reflecting I am guessing a lot of my sodium intake, and of course it isn't going to move much from day to day. I need to back away and give it time!
Well, onto another day of Sparking, being healthy, and being consistent :o}
Thursday, January 05, 2012
Sparkpeople has been many things for me. It has been a place for support, for airing out things that sometimes I just can't say to anyone in my "real" life, for motivation, for inspiration. It has been a place that I can come to and feel, for the most part, that I am not being judged for who I am. Because on SP I am more myself than I sometimes can be in my personal life. I don't feel like people will regard me as crazy, delusional, stupid, lazy, fat, pompous, etc. etc.
This place has been a safe haven for me. Like right now, I am here typing this blog because half an hour ago I started feeling "binge-y" (I don't know if that is a word, but oh well). The usual things happened that would normally set off me feeling this way. You know, the structured day being thrown out the window with daycare calling me at 10 a.m. to pick up Kaylee because the daycare lady is sick (strep throat), which meant that I couldn't walk the dog (just impossible with an unruly 2-year-old and a dog who tries to be alpha dog). I also couldn't work, my plans for my meals were changed up, and things like this throw me off my stride.
I was sitting at about 1300 calories for the day when I had a clementine while reading my book and halfways paying attention to my little girl (great parenting right there, ya'll). I then had another. And another. Then, I remembered the half tube of mini M&M's I had in my purse. Hey, only about 80 calories! THEN, I dug out the little chocolate chip granola bar also in my purse (there was a Health Trip thing going on at the mall and I capitalized on their free offerings). Shared that with Kaylee so HEY that was only 70 calories!
I then started thinking that I would have some leftovers from dinner (cheeseburger casserole). Yeah, that stuff is packed full of calories. I could watch Revenge while nom noming my way through that.
And then I stopped. I stopped right where I was standing when I started having those thoughts.
I then put my little girl to bed since it was bedtime for her, got dressed for bed myself, brushed my teeth, and here I am.
My safe haven.
The above story? Somehow I feel more "safe" writing every "sordid" detail about it here, while I feel like I would be judged if I said it out loud.
Because I am safe here. I have my supporters here, my cheerleaders, those who have inspired the CRAP out of me, those I look up to, those I am here to "listen" to, and those who are struggling like I have struggled so many times...and I want to help them too.
SP is a big family to me. I have gotten to know so many of you on here, and I feel sad when I don't see someone anymore and wonder....and I feel absolute joy when I see successes, accomplishments, race reports, weigh-ins, non-scale victories, new babies, new marriages, and you wanna know something? I love reading about struggles too. I mean, when life happens, and instead of giving up, instead of throwing in the towel, the strugglers come on here, pour their hearts out, and show up for battle, knowing that they will overcome.
I feel so blessed to see everyone's journey...to be a part of that, on the sidelines. That is what SP has done for me. I feel because of this great website, and the people who belong to this site, I have blossomed into someone who enjoys being healthy, enjoys being active, and enjoys being a success rather than wallowing in her failures.
It has been a long journey, but I know that I am on the right path, thanks to Sparkpeople.
I am now off to read other blogs, about ups and downs, and feeds, and comments, and more because the more I Spark, the happier and more grounded I feel.
Bye bye, binge. Hello Sparkpeople!!!
Thursday, January 05, 2012
I had a great day yesterday. I put in 2.25 miles of running (felt to good to stop at 2 miles, but didn't want to overdo it. I put in 2 miles of walking also. I had a pretty decent day at work, even though it seemed to drag on, yet go by fast. Weird day. DH had to work until midnight, so my little girl and I had a night together. We had an interesting dinner of leftover spaghetti and Dora Spaghettios :o} I have been splitting meals with her lately, that keeps my portions in check! An hour or so later, I felt that we should go out, us girls, and have ourselves a treat. Since it has been unseasonably warm here (40 yesterday and supposed to be 50!!! today, usually -20 degrees here around this time of year!!!), I thought it would be appropriate to get Kaylee's favorite treat, an ice cream cone. I tracked my treat (small hot fudge sundae) before we even left to make sure I had the room in my calories for that. I did, so off we went, and she was SO excited, I believe she said "Yum!! Ice cream cone!!!" about a million times on the way there ;o}
Here is a picture of her with the cone:
Isn't my little girl just the cutest??? I love her so much :o}
BTW, thank you for all the comments on my cutting down blog. I didn't say anything about the situation to DH, but I did make sure that I told him that I appreciate him, and then when he said this morning that he was 1 pound down in weight, I gave him a hug and told him I am proud of him. He looked a bit surprised and a lot pleased, so I know I did the right thing and this is a great step in our marriage. This is also something he has never done to me, so he has nothing to work on there!
Today is the doctor appointment with my little girl, and I am sure it will all be fine and only needing reassurance, but it will be good to get that second opinion (the first opinion was by a new doctor, not her pediatrician).
Oh, and my alarm clock was set to go off at 4:20 this morning. I know it was supposed to be my rest day, but I figured I could make TOMORROW my rest day and put in my 50 minutes of crosstraining and get it out of the way. Well, there happened to be a glitch in my phone this morning where when the alarm went off there was only the vibrating and no music, which is what I listen for (it's the Super Mario theme). But, when I woke up at 7 (with over 8 hours of sleep) I definitely felt rested and couldn't be mad or upset. I may do some bootcamp this evening (trying it out), but otherwise I will just walk the dog.
Here's to another great day!!
Wednesday, January 04, 2012
This is something that I have noticed I have done in the past, but nothing too much that has now become more apparent to me.
I cut down my husband.
I diminish his efforts, I correct him on everything that he does wrong (even things that really don't need correction but just aren't up to my standards). I question his parenting more than I should. I make fun of him.
And this needs to stop.
He never says anything about this. He is such a good-natured guy, and he loves to joke around, but there is a difference between "teasing" him and just really poking at his self-esteem and confidence.
I know he has a great level of self-esteem but underneath it all he most likely has some insecurities and I am sure I have hit on some of them.
I feel that I nag at him for stupid things, mainly how much time he spends with his friends and his brother, which completely conflicts with my saying that one of the many things I love about him is the fact that he has kept and nurtured his relationships with his friends as that is something I have not done myself. I know he is an extrovert and needs that contact with people.
As for diminishing, I diminish his accomplishments while highlighting his failures. I don't do this in an overt fashion where it is obvious, but it is enough that I am now seeing it, where it really does take me a long time sometimes to see something bad about myself (shocking right???). Maybe not bad so much as something I am doing wrong, or that is not nice.
So, from here on out, I will think about what I am saying and let the small things go, praise him more for what he does, be appreciative of how much he does for me, and just be grateful I have someone so wonderful in my life.
Moving on to my progress so far. I have been on track 100% with my eating and exercising. I have been getting my water in, I have been training, I have been just so pumped up!!! I have been sparking a ton, which has been a bit harder to do since everyone is just SO FREAKING ACTIVE RIGHT NOW!!! Wow, I think my spark is brighter because of all the motivation you all have! It is rubbing off on me :o}
The gym has been great. My running is getting better. My legs and lungs are still adjusting to the running, but I may be pushing my pace a bit just to get the run done with so I can go back to bed
I have a rest day tomorrow, but I will still probably go to the gym to get some walking in on the treadmill (just extra since it is supposed to be in the 50s!!!! tomorrow and I will also walk outside). I want to keep my streak going at the gym too.
On another note, I think both DH and I have been a bit stressed recently. Kaylee had a fever on Sunday again with no other symptoms and the enlarged lymph node in the back of neck is swelling even bigger (it has been enlarged to about 6 mm the last 6 months). I called the pediatrician's nurse to see what I should do (this is her fourth time having a fever without otherwise being sick in the last month). She wants to see Kaylee, and so we have an appointment tomorrow. I am sure it will all be okay, but I just wish this stupid lymph node would go away, and I wish the fevers would stop! (the fevers are 101 to 102 degrees usually).
Anyhoo!!! On to another fabulous day (40+ degrees today....WHAT IS THIS???? I live in a tundra of COLD, and I am being thrown for a loop here!!!!).
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