ERINBEAR1876   27,451
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Saturday, December 31, 2011

I am hoping this blog won't be as long, since I have a third one to write tonight! I am just on a blogging kick I guess.

This morning, I got up and wow....we finally got snow!!! I live in northeastern North Dakota, so you can imagine the winters we have. We normally get snow around mid-November, but as of yesterday we hardly had any and, in fact, with the temps still being in the 30s to 40s and no snow on the ground, it still felt like fall most days this last month! But, 3.5 inches fell down overnight, and my little girl was SO happy, she LOVES snow. That of course meant that it would be tough getting her to want to go into the daycare providers house :o} But, being I was still off work (I go back Monday), I wasn't in a hurry.

Once I got home, I did the shoveling of the driveway, walkway, and then the sidewalk. I also shoveled both neighbors sidewalks. One is 8 months pregnant (though she has older children, they generally refuse to do things like mowing or shoveling until much later in the day). My other neighbor just isn't doing well, and most likely will be moving into a nursing home this spring, if not much sooner. I also shoveled his walkway since I wasn't sure when his son would be over to do this.

Afterwards, my DH had a DOT physical, so I went with him and then after we changed and hit the gym (he has been SO supportive of being active with me). I only had 40 minutes of crosstraining on my training schedule, so I did this on the elliptical.

My day pretty much after that consisted of making homemade chicken noodle soup that I would have for lunch, and putting the makings of a banana pecan bread in the bread machine I got for Christmas from my parents (SO happy I got that).

I had a bit more soup than I would have liked (2 cups) but it was so delicious. I had also been having slices of the other banana pecan bread I made the night before, which didn't turn out perfect (kind of bland) but I loved anyway because I loved the texture. I had butter on it (1 tablespoon) and it was heavenly.

My afternoon was a bit dull and went by quickly. I had a 1-hour nap, and then I had a small bowl of soup for a "snack" and another slice of the bread with butter. My DH had to go to work (5-midnight), and my little girl was being picked up by her grandma at daycare, so once he left I knew I'd be home by myself until I picked her up around 8 or so. Before this, I was excited because I would have this time to myself.

Until the time actually came. Then, I felt nervous. I turned to my computer and tracked the most recent "snack" and realized I had already hit the high end of my calorie range of 1550 calories, actually right on the nose. I was already kind of feeling the want to just eat, and eat, and eat.

So, I did something that I really have not done much of before, if at all. At least, I don't recall doing this. I reached out. I texted a couple of really good friends, and told them basically that I didn't want to screw things up and just eat and eat like I did in the past while watching TV (I don't really watch TV anymore because I don't have the time, so it's what I do when I am alone, or when my little girl goes to bed sometimes). I was thinking that if I did this, send out this "SOS" of sorts, I could no longer just "mindlessly" eat and sabotage myself, because I would feel shame and let myself, and them, down.

And that was what I needed. Support. And that is what I got. These wonderful ladies gave me just this. Support to get through this. To do what I needed to do. I got busy and started cleaning my office (something I had been wanting to get to this week). This actually got to be a much deeper cleaning than I normally do (cleaning out my drawers) and before I knew it, the time came to pick her up and I still wasn't done cleaning! Eek! I guess I'll get to the rest tomorrow.

Anyway, I feel like I had quite a breakthrough today. At any other time in the past, when I felt this way I basically either gave in to a binge, saying screw it, my day's ruined for calories any way I cut it, or even just eating through the evening, not really binge eating, but ending up with at least 2500 calories.

So, I thank you so much, Paula and Tamie Jo. You were my motivation, my rock, and most importantly of all, my SUPPORT. I needed you both, and you carried me through.


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TJDOESLIFE 1/1/2012 9:43PM


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GRACEISENUF 12/31/2011 12:33AM

    Friends are the best aren't they? Especially supportive ones.

Way to go! for reaching out.

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RUNNER12COM 12/31/2011 12:29AM

    You need help. You ask for it. You get it.

Pretty amazing when you finally treat yourself as good as you treat everyone else, isn't it? I mean, you want them to reach out to you when they need help, right?

Good on you!

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Purge (long)

Friday, December 30, 2011

I have been away from Spark all week. I make no excuses, nor do I offer apologies, because I have been on a "staycation" where I have had the week off from work, and I ended up needing time for me. Just a blinders on focus where I put myself first.

But, I am getting ahead of myself. Last weekend, my weight was back up to 184 pounds. I just kept losing my focus, kept losing my motivation, my determination. My will.

To try to jump-start, I told my DH exactly how I felt, what I had been doing to sabotage myself yet again, and how yet again I was backsliding in my weight loss/being healthy in general. We had plans to go shopping out of town on Wednesday, and so we came up with a mini "challenge" where whomever lost the most pounds (not percentage) by that morning (starting Saturday and going to Wed. morning) would get an extra $100 to spend that day on WHATEVER they wanted (of course, my first thought went straight to running gear of some type, mainly pants).

I wish I could say that this did it for me and I jumped right into it, but it didn't. On Saturday I ate better, but still ended the day with no tracking (and eating Christmas dinner at another's house) and the knowledge that I at least hit 2500 calories most likely . Sunday was better, though, as I had made all meals. Then came Monday. I knew that the afternoon/evening would be rough as my little girl and I were going with my mom, brother, and sister to my grandma's, where many relatives would be gathering. Since food is love, I also knew there would be MANY temptations.

I pretty much decided that I would eat, but not pig out. But unfortunately the offerings were many of my favorites, among new things I just HAD to try and were SO good. This included (all homemade, BTW) divinity, fudge with walnuts (my favorite, being my grandma's recipe, melt in your mouth YUMMY), birds nest cookies, cookies, flatbread (which I fortunately didn't see until we were leaving, and scotcheroos (or Special K bars).

The evening overall went pretty good, and before we knew it, it was time to leave. My little girl surprisingly had a great time despite being up since 4 a.m. (usually sleeping in until 7:30) and only having a 1-hour nap. Unfortunately, she had a rough time on the way back home. For the 40-minute drive, she had a SUPER tantrum, and nothing made her stop. Not chocolate milk, not her favorite ball, not fruit snacks, not her flashlight. NOTHING. It was miserable. I felt like a horrible mommy.

When we got into town, she stopped crying when she saw McDonald's and said "fries???" I then dropped my bro, sis, and mom off, and immediately went to the drive-thru at McD's. Yeah, I know I shouldn't but damnit I needed some comfort food, and I wanted my little girl to be happy. I got a McChicken for myself, and a small fry to split with her.

When I got home, and after Kaylee had gone to bed, I felt a rush of anger. Anger at myself for stopping at the drive-thru, anger at my family because of things left unsaid, things done that I had asked not to happen (I just don't want to go into details at this time about it). Also, anger at the fact that I had spent the year of 2011 sabotaging myself. Anger that I had let my DH down, I let my little girl down, I let you all down, and most importantly I let myself down. Sure, deep inside I knew this to be not completely true, but I just felt emotionally, physically, and mentally like such a failure at that moment.

So, I went on a purge. I threw out cupcakes I had made without frosting (hey, only 125 calories a piece, right??). I also threw out any candy. ALL of the junk was thrown out (of course, I unwrapped everything first, knowing myself too well). I felt a new conviction growing inside of me, to finally JUST FREAKING DO IT. To just get back in the game. To conquer not only my inner demons, but to conquer my self-image, my self-confidence, my weight loss, my health, and my journey.

The next day, Tuesday, I had my counseling appointment. I had not had an appointment for a full month, which is something I'll never do again. WAY too much time between appointments. I got up at 8 and weighed myself. I was surprisingly down in weight from 2 days before. Since the appt was at 10:15, I went to the gym and put in a good cleansing run. I had run the day before, but this run was SO good in comparison. My head felt so much more clear, and everything seemed to sync up nicely.

I got to my appt, and it was perfect timing. I aired out everything to him and we did some troubleshooting, and he gave me some homework, basically that I had to work on NOT beating myself up so badly, and to think about the following: Would I want my daughter to treat herself the way I treat myself? Would I want her to feel like a failure because she didn't weigh XX pounds?

That struck home for me. If he asked me if I wanted my friend to treat themselves that way, I would think about it but it wouldn't strike the same chord as my daughter. I cried when I thought about it, and again I felt that fire inside of me light up, no longer just an ember, or even a tiny spark.

Tuesday continued on to be a gloriously beautiful day where I was in the right frame of mind, and I ended my day strong.

Wednesday morning, I got up at 4:15 a.m. to hit the gym. I put in 30 minutes of strength training, then I ran 2 miles, followed by half an hour on the elliptical. I felt so refreshed! Before taking our little girl to daycare and heading to Fargo to shop, we did our official weigh-in for the challenge. I decided to go first. My weight on Saturday was 182, and my weight for the challenge was 176.4, with a loss of 5.6 pounds. I was so psyched!!! My DH got on the scale, and I was a bit nervous. He loses weight SO easily, so I knew he could still beat me. The Saturday before, he was 194.2. His weigh-in came out to be 194.4. He gained 0.2 pounds! I was shocked, but he admitted he had eaten "like s%&t" the past few days. I was a bit bummed because I was hoping he'd take it more seriously, but he did say he was more aware of what he was eating, which is good.

Shopping went great, and we had a breakfast of Subway, lunch of Subway (both in the food court) and I did awesome with both. I didn't spend my $100 and just got some running socks at the running store. DH bought me a bunch of jewelry at JC Penney's (yay!!), a calendar (Twilight), and new gloves. I again ended my day super strong.

On Thursday, I brought DH with me to the gym as a guest. It was my day off from training, so I just went on the treadmill. But then about 15 minutes in, I decided to do some incline walking. I stayed at 4 mph the whole time, but every 30 seconds, I would bump the incline by 0.5. Holy Hannah, when I hit 7% I was pouring sweat. I felt like I was running!!! When I hit the 7%, I then went down by 0.5 every 30 seconds until I got back down to 0. It broke up the boring treadmill walk, and sure felt like a great workout (my tracking here says it burned about 250 calories, but I know I burned more than that since they don't take into account inclines).

I again did fantastic with my eating. I actually went over a bit (about 1800 calories) but I did so because I was hungry, and totally cool with it. I was actually down this morning again by 0.2, so I know I did the right thing.

I am going to stop here because this blog is amazingly long and I have another topic I want to write about in another blog. So, thank you all for reading through this, and for just being there.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ADAGIO_CON_BRIO 1/2/2012 2:30PM

    You really have been through an emotional roller-coaster. But you can always be proud of yourself for your honesty, for seeking help, and for knowing when to stop. emoticon

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TJDOESLIFE 1/1/2012 9:45PM

    2012 is our year!!!!! You rock! Muah!!!

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RUNNINGPFUHL 1/1/2012 12:39AM

    Awesome Blog. Im feeling the same way. But tomorrow is not only a new day but a new year!

I have a run scheduled!! :)

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WORKOUTWITHPAM 12/31/2011 12:07AM

    CONGRATULATIONS!!!! It sounds you are on your way to reaching your goals. Keep up the GREAT WORK!!!!


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GRACEISENUF 12/30/2011 11:49PM

    You have never let me down spark friend. You will get all your mojo back I have faith in you.

LET'S ROCK 2012.

I am here whenever ya need me... just a spark page away.


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Update (sad how many of these I've been doing lately)

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

I finally went to the doctor on Thursday last week (or Friday? I can't remember). My DH made me (wish there was an emoticon that rolls its eyes). My cough just wasn't going away.

I ended up being diagnosed with bronchitis (which I knew I had pretty much) but that I was developing a pneumonia. So, I was put on antibiotics and told to just rest.

I don't rest well.

I did rest, but my mood has been really up and down. I have been having short spurts of feeling on top of the world, excited for Christmas, loving my life.

Followed by fairly long spurts of feeling like poop, feeling like no one likes me (cue Wah Wah Wah music) and just being down on myself. Looking in the mirror and being disgusted. Stepping on the scale and feeling disappointed in myself.

I felt good enough to go back to the gym yesterday. But then, after almost 3 months of no TOM, it finally hit yesterday, and was making up for lost time. When I get it, I am in pain. I have horrific cramps that are hard to control, and I bloat up until I feel like Santa. Uff.

And I turn into the Tazmanian Devil, both in temperament and in eating.

I was hoping to go to the gym this morning, but I was SO tired when the alarm went off. I went to bed at about 10, but that must not have been early enough.

I am still wanting this day to go better than it has been going.

My tummy hurts this morning, and it's not only because of cramping emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NANCY1964 12/25/2011 8:02AM

    I hope you're feeling better today!

emoticon emoticon emoticon
emoticon emoticon emoticon
emoticon emoticon emoticon

Merry Christmas!

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JILLIANPRNCSS 12/24/2011 6:28AM

    Get a heat pad for your belly and stick your feet up above your heart, that always works for me, Good Luck

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_COSMOPAULATAN_ 12/21/2011 7:38PM

    Sorry you are having a rough day lovebug.

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APIRLRAIN888 12/21/2011 7:34PM

    Feel better soon

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ELISELOVE1 12/21/2011 6:05PM

    feel better soon emoticon

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MICHSTATE 12/21/2011 5:52PM

    Take care of yourself and get better quick!!!!

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ADAGIO_CON_BRIO 12/21/2011 5:24PM

    I hope you feel better very soon. Take good care of yourself!

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PRINCESS1959 12/21/2011 11:38AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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GRACEISENUF 12/21/2011 10:35AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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RUNNER4LIFE08 12/21/2011 9:40AM

    Take your time to rest so that the meds can start working and you can get rid of the illness. Pneumonia is not something to mess around with.

I hope you feel better soon!

emoticon emoticon emoticon

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GETFIT2LIVE 12/21/2011 9:38AM

    Hang in there; sometimes a heating pad or something warm on your tummy can help ease things, too. Sorry it's been a rough road lately. Most of all, take care of yourself the way you would someone else and be kind to yourself.


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ANMRUNNER 12/21/2011 9:06AM

    Erin I hope you're feeling up to par soon! I used to have horrible days like that with my period. I second the warm bath and warm tea. I never heard of eating dark chocolate, but it might help, too! Take a nice walk (stay warm!) and enjoy a day of relaxation. You deserve it, even if you don't rest very well! (:

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BETTERJULIA 12/21/2011 8:23AM

    emoticon you can actively rest and take care of yourself - make a nice bath and relax, drink chamomile tea (it helps w/ cramps and general TOM ish), eat good dark chocolate (not milk chocolate), and do some yoga. I hope that this passes quickly.

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Friday, December 16, 2011

I am on the road to healing, both with my illness and with my mental health.

Yesterday, I went to the doctor, and after the clinical exam and taking my history, she felt I had acute bronchitis that was developing into pneumonia (along with some dehydration). She put me on azithromycin (also known as Zithromax, or Z-Pak) and told me to rest, drink a lot of liquids, humidifier, steamy bathroom stuff (ooh-la-la! haha, j/k), etc.

So, I decided to not go to the gym for a walk later in the evening, and then also I decided to not go to the gym this morning, making for 2 rest days, and then go back tomorrow.

I felt the need for a treat, so I worked it into my tracker, and decided on DQ, a kids cone. DH, DD, and I went, and Kaylee and I had the kids cones, while DH got a small chocolate dipped cone. I planned to go to bed when Kaylee went to bed.

But then I made a very, very unwise decision. I had 240 calories left in my tracker, and I was really, really wanting something sweet, so I opened up the can of frosting (I am making cupcakes today for a friend), and I had a spoonful. That alone was about 150 calories. I then poured myself half a cup of milk because ooh that sounded good with this sweetness in my mouth.

And then I put DD to bed. Instead of being smart and wise and just going to bed, I decided to read a chapter of my book (that I have already read 5+ times), and then have that second spoonful of frosting (oh, it was vanilla, not even chocolate). By the fourth chapter read, I had 6 spoonfuls *facepalm*

I then was craving salty, so I had pickles. Yeah, 8 pickles (they were small but still) later, I was really feeling bloated *ish* I wasn't really feeling binge-y, but I was feeling the need for some comfort food, and my body really was craving this, though I really wish I had diverted myself by either going to bed or having a bowl of cereal. I really thought I could limit myself to those 2 spoonfuls. Silly me.

And this with the knowledge that I had to weigh myself in the morning.

I did put this in my tracker and thankfully it wasn't TOO horrible at 1950-ish calories. But still, it was the behavior.

I weighed myself this morning and it was up 2 pounds. I know that I didn't gain 2 pounds since 2 days ago, but at the same time I didn't lose any weight. I am going to weigh in tomorrow too to keep today on track. It's like I need the assurance that I didn't really gain the weight.

So.....I don't feel I am off track, but I do not want this to happen more than 1 day in a row. I want to stay under 1700 calories today :o}

I feel I am stepping in the right direction with my emotional/mental health. Before being put on medication and speaking with a psychologist, I would have just ate that entire can of frosting once I started, and then spend the next several days eating a bunch of s*it and just seeing HOW MUCH I could shove in my mouth, and hating every inch of myself, in and out.

But instead, I am owning up to it, on here and to myself, and being proud of myself, happy, and moving on to the next day, loving myself instead of hating myself, in and out.

Though I do wish the scale was nice today emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MIAMI_LILLY 12/18/2011 9:08PM

    What is it with vanilla frosting? My daughter brought home a gingerbread house she made with Graham crackers, and we stood in the kitchen scraping off every bit of frosting we could with our fingers, and sucking it off. It was pathetic.

Hey, we are forever works-in-progress...always making mistakes, learning and working on change. On the positive, you love yourself...and that's more than most people can say! emoticon

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ADAGIO_CON_BRIO 12/17/2011 12:22PM

    Wishing you the very best. These things happen--but the good news is that you tracked it and you are well aware of what you did. Moving on like you are doing is great!

I agree: You can be very proud of yourself!

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_COSMOPAULATAN_ 12/17/2011 9:19AM

    How many times have I been there... you aren't alone Erin. Sorry that you are also sick. Whatever I have is hanging on far too long, and the junk breaking up on my insides is taking a toll. I keep thinking about March, and how I can't run 0.1 miles right now without wanting to die... but I committed to you guys, so I am going to do my best (which is all I can do). Feel better honey!

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TJDOESLIFE 12/16/2011 4:55PM

    I'm right there with you love!!!! Ugh!!! I was on spoonful number 3 when I read "partially hydrogenated...oil" and then proceeded to spoonful numbers 4, 5 and 6. I think we were separated at birth. ;)

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SEATTLESIMS 12/16/2011 3:51PM

    sounds like you got a handle on what happened and hopefully blogging it out will help you the next time around.
Rest and feel better, it will make the next battle easier ;)

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EYES_ON_THEPRAZ 12/16/2011 2:37PM

    glad you're aware of it. and you're right, the damage wasn't too bad but i can get worse. I do the same thing from time to time and tracking it all helps so I can't ignore it.

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APIRLRAIN888 12/16/2011 11:58AM

    ;) moment by moment one decision at a time ;)

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GRACEISENUF 12/16/2011 11:27AM

    I have to agree with the post by least you didn't eat the whole thing.

Today is a new day and I know you will stay on track.


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MICHSTATE 12/16/2011 9:44AM

    Good for you not eating the whole thing! Why is that stuff so good, yet so gross at the same time?!?!?!
I have had to throw frosting away before because I can't eat a little!!!

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BETTERJULIA 12/16/2011 8:32AM

    That is good - I think a while ago I posted a comparison pic blog and I remembered/realized the reasons why I was where I was and it's a lot like you - those binge habits that would spiral out of control. Finding strength and power in each single choice is important to make our way through those self harming behaviors. I know that you can do this!

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Pushing through

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Yesterday went well considering how my day went.

I had a great day until I was looking at my health insurance stuff online, and saw that my psychologist consult was almost $600, and the insurance only covered about half citing that the amount charged was deemed excessive. In comparison, the plastic surgery consultation was a charge of $188 (both before insurance). I called the billing office, and the lady basically looked at the charge and said that it was correct. But, she didn't look ANYTHING up but my bill, so basically she was agreeing with whatever my account said.

So, I called the clinic and left a message (they were closed) saying I am 'interested' in a psych consult but would like to know the cost before considering an appointment. Hopefully I can get a more appropriate answer this way. If they call me back today and say $580, then I will know that is the correct charge (even though it is ridiculously high in my many people can afford that??). But, then if they say something lower, I will ask them to put that in writing so I can bring it physically to the business office and demand they change the charge.

Then, it had rained, and turned into ice, so my evening of Christmas shopping? Cancelled because I am not going to break my ankle, or neck, getting gifts I can get later. That meant me being home for 4 hours by myself. And I knew I needed to continue making good choices. I worked until almost 6 (to put in overtime) and then made my dinner, where I ad-libbed. I made chicken with garlic and onion spices, then a cup of pasta (egg noodles) and stewed tomatoes. I cut up the chicken and mixed it all together. It could've used more flavor overall, but I liked it, and it made 2 servings, so I put the rest together for my lunch today. Yum!

Then, I read a book until it was time to pick up my little girl. After putting her to bed at 9, I decided to put in some more time (since there is a mandatory minimum this week and I don't want to have to work on Saturday). I stopped at 11:00 since today is a rest day and Kaylee usually gets up at 7, so I would be getting 8 hours of sleep.

Except I couldn't fall asleep. My cough has been getting worse in the morning and at night. Especially at night. It has been getting a bit more productive and the mucus is turning yellow/green. And I finally fell asleep about 1:30 (this after I had been up since 4:15 a.m.). DH told me to call the doctor and make an appointment since I may need an antibiotic (this cough started 2 weeks ago today). Bleh.

So, I am feeling pretty crappy this morning, coughing up my lungs, and super tired like I could sleep all day (and a nose full of stuff) but other than that I am good. I haven't run a fever at all and I don't have body aches, etc. No sore throat either. Really it's more of a nagging cough with a tickle in my lungs. We'll see what the doc says.

I have my meals kind of planned today AND tomorrow since I couldn't do NOTHING while not being able to sleep, and so I diddled on my phone for a while.

My calories yesterday went into the 1700 territory since I was so hungry. I had a snack of 300 that was basically chips and salsa, and that felt like SUCH a waste of calories since I was hungry again not even an hour after I had that. Lesson learned!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GRACEISENUF 12/15/2011 9:47PM

    I hate being sick...I hope you feel better soon and I agree you probably need an antibiotic.


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APIRLRAIN888 12/15/2011 11:58AM

    I know about medical charges , sometimes u wonder where they get the numbers

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