Monday, November 28, 2011
I haven't posted since the day before Thanksgiving since I took a bit of a holiday from a lot of online posting. It was a good decision for me, though I do wish I kept up better on here!
On Wednesday night, my DH announced that we could either take a 2-day shopping trip to Albertville (a super outlet strip mall by the Twin Cities) OR we could take a 4-day quickie trip down to Daytona Beach. This would be in March. My mom would do housesitting to watch our dog and my little girl.
You know, nothing gets me motivated stronger than a vacation. Because those come so rarely now, and this one? This is just us. Me and my sweetheart. We haven't had a beach vacation alone together since May 2008. That is just a long time for us. He got a sweet deal through the airline and he even sprang a bit extra for a convertible because he knew I would love that! What a sweetie.
I had been rallying to really get back on track for some time now, but no matter the efforts I really couldn't get my eating under control. I would stop tracking the moment I would eat a bit of extra of ANYTHING, and I would stop making myself accountable, so no doubt there were a few days of eating 4000-6000 calories.
It is amazing how EASY it can be, if I'm not careful, to eat that many calories, but to burn that amount in a day? Ridiculous. No wonder it is easier for me to pack on the pounds than to lose them. Or even maintain.
I have been doing things a bit differently, and I am noticing that if I track AS I EAT, I end the day knowing exactly where I am and knowing what I can afford for an evening snack, if I can even have one, or I can plan my dinner portions better. Also, I have been really logging all of my exercise and calories as closely on point as possible so I can look up the calorie differential at the end of the day. I know that to lose 2 pounds a week, I need the negative differential to be 7000 calories. For 1 pound, 3500 calories. For 3 pounds, 10,500 calories. Obviously 1-2 pounds is my goal. My goal is to lose closer to 2 pounds a week, but if it averages out to be 1.5 pounds a week until March because I have a few weeks of 1 pound lost or less, that will be super cool with me. Because the point is, I will be losing weight. Not maintaining. Not gaining. Especially not gaining.
It's like I have been lifted out of a fog. And I am truly enjoying it. On Thanksgiving, we went to my mom's house. She had the usual. Turkey, scalloped corn, mashed potatoes, gravy, pickles, green and black olives, croissants, yams with marshmallows, green bean casserole, and for dessert she had pumpkin, apple, lemon meringue, and blueberry pie. I had only a smallish plate of portions that did NOT touch each other on the plate including the green bean casserole, corn, mashed potatoes/gravy, and turkey. I nibbled on a couple of pickles, had 3 green olives, 6 black olives, and no pie. I shared my plate with my little girl, and I also had 2 croissants. I ended the day in range for nearly everything, and I was so proud!!! I also did a 90-minute bootcamp beforehand, which helped reinforce my motivation to not pig out.
The day after I did an hour on the elliptical and again stayed in my ranges for calories and nearly everything else. Not really an eventful day. I worked out instead of Black Friday shopping, then worked 8-5, and then spent an evening alone.
On Saturday, it was my DH's birthday. My present to him (he didn't want anything) was freedom to do what he wanted for the whole day (something he REALLY appreciated). He wanted to eat out at the local Mexican restaurant for lunch (free meal) and then the local Italian restaurant for dinner (again, a free meal). I didn't join him for either meal because I just don't trust myself in those restaurants. Plus, I had come down with a nasty sore throat the night before, and ended up eating really soft food that day (mainly mashed potatoes, noodles/marinara sauce). Again, I stayed in all of my ranges, and took this day as a rest day because I wasn't feeling good.
For the second part of my DH's birthday present, I let him sleep in and got up with my little girl on Sunday. She was up at 6:20 (not bad!!) but unfortunately NOTHING is open until about noon on Sundays because of labor or union laws in ND, I believe. And, super cold outside. With no snow. So,....Kaylee and I hung out all morning, did some cleaning together, watched Dora and Mickey Mouse, made French toast (of which I had none), and I had a mini bagel with garden vegetable cream cheese (a bit of an indulgence). I knew I had to eat light because at noon we were going to my mom's again for the football game, and the night before she told me what she would be making: Bacon and cheese pinwheels (made out of croissants), smokies in BBQ sauce, cocktail meatballs in a chili and cranberry sauce, con queso dip with chips and sauce, a ton of chocolate cupcakes (in honor of my DH's birthday) with milk chocolate frosting....
I brought a veggie tray.
My mom gave me a look when I brought that in, but I didn't care.
I had a super small plate, put one pinwheel, 3 meatballs (for my little girl mainly), 2 smokies (again for Kaylee), and that was it... I ended up eating 3 meatballs, 1 smokie, 1.5 pinwheels, and 4 tortilla chips with salsa (no queso). I had about a cup of carrots, a couple of small peppers, and a couple of sprigs of broccoli before my little girl plopper her mushy cupcake down on my plate. Even so, that all equaled about 570 calories!
I can just imagine how many calories I would have had if I had what I wanted. My DH estimates he had about 2000 calories in that one meal.
I did a Turkey Trot Prediction 5K at 4 p.m. Weird day for it, but I was glad I did it. Basically, you couldn't wear anything that could tell you pace or time, including a music player, Garmin, or watch. You had to predict your time before the race (whether you were doing the 5K or 8K). I predicted 31:15 since I knew I would have a tough time with my sore throat. It was chilly at 27 degrees, but not much wind, and the sun was out, though it was setting.
There weren't too many of us, about 45 in total. I am glad I did the 5K and not the 8K, that's for sure!!! My lungs were on FIRE the entire time. Then, the course was marked wrong for the 5K, and a few people turned too early and ended up running only 2 miles (including the "winner" who ran the course in 13:09). The only prizes went to the top 3 who were closest to their predicted times, though, so it didn't matter! He was pretty sheepish about it, though it wasn't his fault. I turned around at that point myself, so I lost some time with that. I then turned back when we realized what was up, and ran to the true halfway point.
I was super proud that I didn't stop to walk even once, and my time ended up at 32:56, and I was happy with that time!
I went home, showered, then went to Target with my DH. When we were leaving, DH suggested either hitting a drive-thru (for him) or going to a sit-down restaurant. I quickly said no, that I had my dinner waiting at home, whatever I chose it to be. Then, right before the drive-thru (he wanted Taco Bell), he said he wanted to eat at home too (yay).
I ended up making us leftover turkey sandwiches, and I had a banana with mine. Really hit the spot!!!
I had another banana before bedtime since I was hungry and needed the calories to hit near the minimum amount, and ended my day on a high note.
I just plan on continuing to do what I am doing. And to blog about it, happy or not. :o}
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Wow, what a different experience THAT was. The health system I work for has a separate building for certain areas of medicine. For instance, mental health practitioners are in a building named....wait for it...Building One.
The office that I used to work in before going home to work is....Building Three.
But, the building that houses cosmetic surgery, laser therapy, dermatology, vein stuff, etc. is called Truyu. (the health system I work at is called Altru, so it's a play on the name too).
I get there, and when I am signing in, she asks me to pay $80. I just look at her... and then I pretty much say that 1) I was not told about paying ANYTHING up front and 2) I don't have money on me. That's how I roll, and how I've been rolling for a long time. I only carry money on me when I absolutely KNOW I'll need it. I don't carry my credit card around either.
SO, she says she will file it as a medical claim instead of cosmetic, though we both know it won't be covered, and then they'll bill me when it doesn't go through. Whatever. Then she asks me if I would like to pay my copay of $25. And I said to bill me that too. I always have them bill me for the copay. I'd rather pay my whole bill in one shot.
I filled out a form with some basic things about my medical and surgical history, why I was there, allergies, medications, etc.
I get back to this room and my goodness it is gorgeous. Supple white leather chairs....lovely decor.
The nurse comes into the room and asks me some questions, namely about the fact that I put down that I have a dermatological reaction to surgical tape (it gives me a rash on my skin where it is placed, which I found out after my gallbladder was taken out). I said I would tolerate it, I just thought it was something they should know about. She then tells me that during this visit, another nurse (the surgery nurse), her, and the doctor would be coming in at various points and that halfway through I'll be stripping down, pictures will be taken (without my face in them), and then I'd meet wih the scheduling clerk.
The doctor came in, asked me what he could do for me. I told him that my priority is my stomach/flank area as it is the area of my body that is not fitting right in clothes, no matter how I dress myself, and there is a lot of loose skin. My second area is my boobage, where there is extra skin/tissue on the sides going to my armpit that create a shape that just doesn't look right, and makes it so whenever I wear a bra that IS NOT a sports bra, I can't bend over without them falling out. No matter what. And that gets old. I also want them lifted and smaller (they went super saggy and flat after I lost the weight....for frame of reference, they were a size 46 I at their biggest, and are now approximately 36-38 D). I would prefer to be about a 36 B/C, but C/D works just fine too.
I also talked about my inner thighs, how there is some extra something saggy there and it bugs me when I run unless I put on compression shorts. So, nothing big, just something I wanted looked at to see what COULD be done.
He asked me about my story, and I said that when I was pregnant, I was up to 306 pounds, and then I got down to 160, now at about 175. He then says, "Okay, so you had a massive weight loss. Great!"
I didn't care for the word massive, even though I know he didn't mean it the way it sounded. I was just in a new setting where I was feeling...exposed already both emotionally and physically.
Anyway, he then left the room so I could undress and put their cute little white robe on. I caught my reflection in the mirror on the wall, and I have to say I looked cute in that robe. I wanted one to bring home ;o}
The surgical nurse then came in and took a bazillion pictures of my stomach, flank, boobs, and thighs. Man, that just felt awkward... She was very casual and didn't make me FEEL this way. It's just. Well...I was NAKED. In all my flubby glory.
She then left, and about 5 minutes later the doctor came back in. He had me sit on the lovely leather chair and proceeded to see what I was concerned about. He measured my chest in various places (underneath, the sides, the tops). He then had me stand up and looked at my belly. He felt my muscles on my stomach also. Then, he looked at the inner thighs.
After all of this, he sat down and explained what could be done. He talked about doing a mastopexy, which is basically the procedure to fix droopy boobies. He said he could do some lipo on the sides to get rid of the skin/tissue that made its way to my armpits. He showed me what the scars would look like, recovery time, risks, etc.
For my belly, he would have to do a full abdominoplasty. He said that my muscles underneath seemed really good without diastasis (a separation that can happen, especially after pregnancy and childbirth). The recovery for this would be more difficult and prolonged because of the fact that I would have to avoid stretching the sutures and he would be making the skin very tight. He talked about drains to prevent seromas, and how it would be 4-6 weeks before I could get back to running/strenuous activity.
He said the thighs would only need a bit of lipo since the skin was still pretty elastic there.
All in all, he said, "You won't be coming out with a model's body and a 6-pack, but I think you would have really nice contours and a very satisfactory outcome."
Unfortunately, he said he was booked into January, so that decision was made before I could even think about it. I could do this the end of May, but I don't want to spend a big chunk of my summer recovering, especially when I will be training for a marathon. He agreed.
So, I took off almost 2 weeks the end of next December.
I plan to do the first surgery then, which would be the abdominoplasty, and do the breast reduction/lift the following December.
The main reason for this is the cost. Together, the surgeries cost $12,440. I would save $1200 doing the procedures together, but the fact is, we'd have to do a payment plan, and the interest would be more than $2000.
If we do the abdominoplasty alone next December, we will have saved up around $4000 ahead of time, have $3300 left to pay, which we could do with no interest for 1 year and pay it off before the next surgery, which would be $5800. Again, we'd pay that off in that same year. The financial burden would be MUCH less on us.
Also, I can then make sure I am at a maintainable happy weight before then. I was just too uncomfortable having this surgery in 1 month when I am at least 15 pounds above where I wanted to be for it.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Wow, only one day of putting myself first and I learned way too much
It started out with bringing up Black Friday to my daycare lady. I have to work, my mom has to work, and my DH has to work midday so we really were hoping she wasn't going to take this day off. I brought it up and told her this, and she said she was thinking about it (remember this: She was only going to take it off because she knew DH would have the day off from teaching. She doesn't go shopping on Black Friday). But, she said she could take Kaylee (gee, I hope so....you do get paid for it). But, she would need Kaylee picked up early (2:50) on Monday. Not a problem-0!
Then, my annual review came up at 9 a.m. I went in not knowing at all what to expect as my focus and mistakes had really been bad this last month compared to the whole year. The last 2 weeks I have been back on track with work, especially on this medication. But, she basically told me I was one of her best workers and how she is so happy I work there, and I basically got the highest percentage raise she could give me. Yay!!!! Then, she asked me what my plan for the future is (they ask this every year). I always say the same thing, that I am happy what I am doing. This time, I told her that I would like to be considered for an administration/leadership position if any turnover occurs in the future (i.e. Quality Control, Trainer, Supervisor). She was excited about this, and said she would get me set up with leadership training/workshops throughout the year so that if anything opens up I would be ready. Yay!!!!!!!!
But, that's where the good stuff moves onto some not quite as good stuff. My eating was.....subpar. I almost took the whole "being good to myself" the wrong way for this. I did make sure that most of the things I ate were healthy, but chocolate and PB snuck its way in. I didn't track, and I have a feeling if I continue eating like I did yesterday that I will at minimum track most of my food so I have a clue where I am sitting. I do want to stay between 1500 and 2000 calories. The low restricted calorie thing really isn't good for me at this time.
All being told, I am happier these past few days than I have been in a long time. This morning, my little girl woke up minutes before I had to get up to go to the gym. Instead of doing what I usually would have done, which is forget about the gym and watch Kaylee so my DH could sleep, I said to him that I was going to the gym and to get up and watch her. He did, though I could tell he was not happy about it (can we SAY he's NOT a morning person??). I didn't feel guilt or beat myself up about it, though. I did have a slightly shorter workout than planned (I ran 3 miles and skipped my ST which I can do at home later). But, I thought about nothing but my workout and my day ahead rather than think about how I "should" be home with Kaylee. Hey, DH can start pulling his weight more with watching Kaylee and he knows that.
Well, off to another day! Today I meet with the plastic surgeon to learn everything I can about the surgery or surgeries. I mainly want to find out cost, recovery, etc. I am going to postpone the surgery most likely until next December. I want to be in a better place for a period of time before going through with this.
Monday, November 21, 2011
I am trying not to be upset right now that I nearly had this blog completed when I shifted my hand the wrong way on this stupid laptop and the window closed on me, deleting all the writing I had done.
*sigh* So, this will be a shortened blog.
I spent the weekend trying out some of the things that the psychologist suggested I do. I didn't obsess about tracking. Though it is a great practice, I decided to take a short break of it. My plan is to just eat, not obsess, but be mindful and eat until I am satisfied, not over full, not stuffed. I am also going back to basics as much as I can with running. Nearly every run recently has left my body aching in various places, but mainly my legs. My endurace and mental strength are also way off. It's getting to the point that I stopped looking forward to a good long run.
So, with that in mind, I did a run/walk for 4 minute/2 minute intervals for half an hour. Then, a great song came on (Lose Yourself by Eminem) and I kicked the treadmill up to 6.5 mph and just literally lost myself in the song. I ended up going 3.5 miles, which was more than I was planning. It felt awesome for once, and this morning I didn't feel seriously sore.
I bought a new book, which I am excited to read...Destined, which is the new book in the House of Night series. Pretty good stuff.
Another thing I am doing is weighing in every 3 days so I can back off from obsessing so much about the scale. If it climbs in weight, I will make adjustments, but not big ones. My big plan is to just do what feels right to me on any given day. If I feel like I want to do less one day, I will. If I feel I want to do a bit more another day, again...I will. It's about what will make me feel happy, what I want to do. I feel more and more hopeful for sure.
Well, my little pumpkin is wanting me, so I gotta go! Happy Monday!
Friday, November 18, 2011
I had my second counseling session today. We went over the results of the test I took that shows where I am at with my mood, and then my personality.
The mood part shows that I am basically in a crappy crap crap funk, which over the last 3 months generally is pretty true. I have been mostly trying to stay positive, but it feels more like a glossy sheen over my face, masking the feelings I have underneath which I have been suppressing.
My personality is basically that of a person who has a low self-esteem, putting far too much emphasis on relationships and the need I have that come with them.
I feel good and am doing great when all relationships are doing fabulous.
I fall apart when it "seems" like a relationship is cooled off at all.
In essence, I am "the nice girl who doesn't want to hurt anyone, wants to make everyone happy, and in doing so puts everyone else's needs and wants first before her own."
Yup, what he said.
I try to do something for myself (i.e. go to the gym in the morning) but then put myself down or feel guilty about it (DH having to watch DD while I am there).
I'm not naive. I'm not new to this party. I've tried this before. I have TRIED putting myself first, being "selfish" and not being the people pleaser.
He smiled, and asked me how I did, and why it stopped.
I didn't have a good answer. I pretty much said something to the effect that the guilt got to me. I would put myself down.
This theme centered around my relationships with my mom, my little girl, and DH.
And it has been causing sabotage. I am testing my relationship with my DH constantly by sabotaging myself and seeing if he would "stick with me" through it all.
It has been putting too much on my back where if I fail a tiny bit, I see myself as a complete failure and a waste of space.
My "house" is gorgeous, huge, and splendid, but my "foundation" is full of cracks.
And that is where the "Lifeguard" principle comes in. The key to my success. I have heard it a million times. I have KNOWN that it works. I just haven't applied it to myself. Not really. I would pretend I did, but I would have guilt rise up in me, feelings of self-blame. Then I would stop, and feelings of anger and resentment would well up inside of my like flowing lava until I would spew, have a "tantrum" either through a blow-up at DH or a binge, and then the cycle would repeat itself.
So it is time I work on ending this cycle.
What is the Lifeguard principle?
It is what all lifeguards are taught from the very beginning.
Save yourself before you can save someone else.
Keep your head above the water.
And that, my folks, is going to be the key for me. The game changer.
I am going to finally, from now on, put myself on the FRONT burner, not the BACK burner.
I will do things for myself. I will take time, I will go out with friends, I will spend time with my little girl.
I will go to the gym, and NOT feel any guilt.
I will take a bubble bath and not have the feeling that I should be spending that half hour with my family. That I am less of a wife or mom because I am spending that time on ME.
I will buy a book. NOT because I reach a certain weight. Because I deserve it as a person. I will reward myself for being a good person.
I will no longer cut myself down because I had too many calories, because I am up .5 pounds, because I missed a workout, because I missed a walk, because I slept too much, not enough, because I forget something, because I just don't WANT to do something.
I will look at the whole of the picture. I will not look at a day and call it a failure for one, two, three wrongs. I will call it a success, call MYSELF a success, for the dozens of things I did RIGHT.
I will not put limits on what I can do, but I will not expect of myself what no one else would.
I will treat myself the way I treat everyone else, and strive for treating myself, and my body better.
I will save myself, before I save you.
I will put myself first, so you will have the best of me forever.
I will love myself, so I can love you more fully.
Everything else? Just noise. I will enjoy my life, enjoy what I have, enjoy my health, enjoy the smile when I look at myself in the mirror and not frown because I don't "like" what I see.
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