Monday, November 07, 2011
Funny, normally after eating the way I did last night, I wouldn't have had that emotion this morning. :o} I actually didn't binge, it was just I had too many calories and didn't track. That tends to happen on the weekends, though lately I haven't eaten enough on the weekends, so I guess I thought I'd be just fine. I ate at BWW (Buffalo Wild Weekends) for dinner with supper. Later last night, I had some hotdish my mom sent home with me, mainly because I was bored and reading, and reading and eating go hand in hand to me. I know what to do to combat this (go to bed or do something else that doesn't trigger eating when bored at night). I plan to do just that!
I did have a lot of fun this weekend, even though I worked yesterday, and I wasn't so obsessed about things, mainly my weight, or more specifically my weight loss. I have a feeling that will mean a gain tomorrow morning, but I am not going to worry about it. All I can do is focus on today, and this moment. It's when I obsess about the future or the past that I forget about today. And, I didn't weigh myself this morning, and I plan not to do so at any point today. Tomorrow is my weigh-in day, and I'll wait until then. Last week was 170 pounds. I would be happy with a loss, but realistically I would be happy with my number being under 172. I am trying to back away from it all being about the number and more about how I am feeling. I do feel bloated, but physically workout-wise I feel fantastic. I went to the gym this morning and put in an hour on the elliptical. I pushed myself and got in 5.5 miles, which is more than I usually do on there. I felt strong.
So, my Plan Of Action for today:
1. Track my food intake today, all of it, and strive to stay in my calorie range.
2. Cardio for 1 hour (elliptical), 2 walks, and get in all of my ST including everything SP has in store for me today plus as many pushups I can get in, and also try to get in lunges and squats.
5. Stay away from the Internet but for my lunch hour, and 30 minutes before bedtime. I need to start limiting myself because I obsess about SP, FB, and DM (daily mile). I check them multiple times a day and the time I spend on it adds up.
Happy Monday, Sparkland!!!
Saturday, November 05, 2011
Okay, stupid computer decided to erase what I put. I have to get out the door, but wanted to get this done first:
Yesterday was a great day. First counseling appointment was pretty beneficial, and I am definitely hopeful for my future with this. I ate mindfully. I went grocery shopping and did well with that along with spending some alone time with Kaylee being at mom's. I didn't binge, and didn't go back to the gym :o}
For yesterday's recap:
1. Water!!!! Goal met! (the emoticons aren't working for me)
2. Eat what I have tracked, but most of all be sure to only add if it is still within my range. I went over by about 50 calories, but happy with that!
3. Fitness: Run (already did), ST, and perhaps another go at the gym for either more ST or elliptical, or rowing, or whatever floats my boat. Maybe I'll do a class! (my mom is watching Kaylee today. Just did the run, decided to get other things done when my mom watched Kaylee.
4. Focus!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ugh. This seriously is an issue for me.
My Plan Of Action for today:
1. Be mindful of what I eat.
2. Consider hitting the gym today, for either a run or on the elliptical for at least an hour.
3. Enjoy family time.
4. Drink water.
Pushups: 5/1000 (I may have the second part of the numbers wrong.
BUSYBUSYBUSY day today with going to Dakota Harvest (to buy bread), picking up FREE tickets to the Disney Live show tomorrow (yay!!), going to the lefse/bake sale at a local church, see my dad/grandpa for his birthday, etc. etc.
Tomorrow is going to be crazy awesome, even if I have to work 7-6 (3 hour break in between to go to the Disney show), and of course the time change which basically means getting up earlier in a sense. That always happens to me.
Friday, November 04, 2011
I won't go into any real particulars in here because there was a lot of personal stuff talked about, but I will say this. The psychologist I am seeing rocks. Seriously rocks. He really brought a lot out of me, and the time went by fast. He had a great sense of humor, but also really made me feel like he will help me get to where I need to be in my life. On an even keel.
On a side note, the garage door issue was bigger than we thought, so he wasn't done when the appointment came up, and I had to have my mom bring me there. I didn't tell her why I was going there. I just don't feel comfortable sharing any of the whole bipolar/OCD/binge eating disorder deal with my family. Not 100% sure why yet, but I have a feeling it is because I know they will see it as a sign of weakness (they don't "believe" in mental health disorders, or getting treated for them).
Anyhoo, I am now back at work, and definitely feeling positive about all of this.
Friday, November 04, 2011
Recap of yesterday:
1. Go to bed at a GOOD time tonight, i.e. NOT after 9:30 p.m. I need to make sure I get enough sleep and hopefully my back is ready for the gym tomorrow morning. Oops...I went to bed at 10. Better than the last few days, though!!!
2. Continue drinking plenty of water, at least 3 bottles.
3. Eat what I have tracked, and if I change anything, make sure it fits in my ranges. Well.....No. Explained below.
4. Fitness? If my back feels better, maybe try for a jog on my lunch hour. Most likely today will be a rest day, though, or maybe strictly ST and no running. as a rest day.
5. Continue not spending any money unless it needs to be spent (i.e. on groceries, or other things we NEED). I have been good with this, but it's good to keep an eye on it.
6. Be thankful for everything I have in my life, especially my wonderful DH, and my beautiful little girl.
Weight: This last Tuesday was 170.0 pounds - Goal by end of month 160-164 (range is better than specific for me this month)
Miles (walking, elliptical, spinning, running): 9/2500
The communication between DH and I opened up, and there were a lot of "I'm Sorry's" on both sides with a bunch of kisses. We were just both tired, crabby, and took it out on each other. He actually sent me back a really sweet email saying he is proud of me.
On another note, I found out when having to pick my daughter up that the garage door broke. With my car trapped inside. I can't open it up manually because not only is a cable snapped, but it went off its track. I called the place that fixes this, and after hours is $150/hour compared to $65/hour if they come at 8 this morning. Yeah, I told them to come in the morning. Sure, I didn't have a car, but that's better than spending a ton of moolah when I could wait one evening. The only downside now is walking my little girl to daycare when it is 35 degrees, but it is only 1 block, and I will be bundling her up good.
I had a mini-binge yesterday. Nowhere near past binges, but I still had to take accountability for it and stop before I did more damage. My calories for the day ended up being 2200 calories, and the binge was 780 calories (chocolate chip muffins freshly baked). I have my first psychologist appointment today, and I am nervous but looking forward to what counseling has to offer too.
I had a refreshing morning because I got up, went to the gym, and ran with 1-minute walk intervals for 45 minutes this morning (4 miles). It felt good, and I felt steady coming home after.
But, I am running out of time because I need to get Kaylee ready, so I am going to get to my Plan of Action for today:
2. Eat what I have tracked, but most of all be sure to only add if it is still within my range.
3. Fitness: Run (already did), ST, and perhaps another go at the gym for either more ST or elliptical, or rowing, or whatever floats my boat. Maybe I'll do a class! (my mom is watching Kaylee today.
Keeping it simple today :o}
Thursday, November 03, 2011
This morning, after I posted my POA blog, I started to get Kaylee and I ready for the day. I was in Kaylee's room and getting her changed, when I heard my DH say something. I asked him what he said, and he said he couldn't find his black pants. I said they were on the floor in the pile of pants he has next to his side of the bed.
Quick backstory: They were always in the closet on top next to my pants. He has a habit of going through them and throwing them aside on top of mine. I can't stand that, but instead of asking him to put his pants back where they were, I decided to set them next to his bed so they'd be easier to go through. I hadn't told him this yet (I just did this yesterday).
So....he then lets out a frustrated grunt, and I ask him what's wrong, and he proceeds to say how he has spent 5 minutes he DIDN'T have on looking for his pants. Okay, I said I was sorry that I hadn't told him about it. My bad.
While he was taking his shower, I go in, and weigh myself. I am up to 172.8. I was fine with that because I know I have been doing great and that this is probably water bloat from my period. DH asks me what it says, and I'm not gonna lie, so I told him. He gives me an incredulous look, so I got a bit defensive, and told him that it was probably bloat. I mean, my clothes are fitting great, I was 170.8 yesterday, 170 the day before, and 168.4 the day before that (Halloween). I know water retention when I see it. Also, I have been in my ranges every day, but yesterday was in the top part of my ranges, with most of my calories at dinner time. Plus, I'm a bit constipated (sorry for any TMI there).
But, I really didn't think I had to explain it all, nor did I think he had the time for it, so I went back to getting ready to bring Kaylee to daycare. Then, I hear him say, "So, you finished off the ice cream, huh?"
Okay. He hasn't been home all week, but for to sleep. He has been super busy, like I said in this morning's blog. But this was a smaller (half gallon) container of light vanilla ice cream. Over the last 5 days, not to forget the huge bowl he had himself, Kaylee and I have been having ice cream cones for dessert. 1/2 cup each. There was 1 night I had 1-1/2 cups, because I had the calories available and I wanted a bit more. Boohoo. It just sounded to me like he was insinuating that I had a nice little binge on ice cream and that was why I had a weight gain on the scale this morning. So, I told him the above, how it was eaten.
I then went off on him a little bit, because you know what? I was crabby too. My back was killing me, I had been up late working with overtime, I was up early with my little girl, he hasn't been home and I have been MISSING him, damnit, and for the few minutes I see him he is acting like I can do no RIGHT! And I said that in much few words.
He then said, sarcastically, "WELL, goodbye" and left.
This left me angry and sad.
SO, I wrote him an email this morning explaining my side of things better, and I also apologized for my reaction. Like I told him, my reaction this morning was like the reaction I have when I have done bad and don't want to admit it so I act defensive and deny any wrongdoing.
Except this time I did nothing wrong. How am I supposed to react when I did nothing wrong yet there is still a gain on the scale? I am just out of my element. And it has been an hour since I sent that email. I just don't know where he is right now with his mood, his headspace....and really how upset or frustrated he is with me.
This sucks. I know I am overreacting to all of this, but yet I can't just turn my feelings off or internalize them. I know how that ends, and I can't risk that. SO,...here's my vent...my NOT so quick vent.
Thanks for listening, Sparkland.
P.S. I am grateful, truly grateful for him. But this morning? He was a punk.
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