ERINBEAR1876   27,451
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Now with even more to process...

Friday, October 28, 2011

I should be getting back to work right away, but I want to type this up before I forget some of the details.

First of all, I get to my appointment, and the nurse? One of my friends' sister-in-law. A person whose personality grinds at me,...but who am I to say? See, her daughter is a play date friend of my little girl. Anyway, so because she is the nurse, she basically knows what I am there for. I know she will not break confidentiality, but that was not a good beginning to the appointment to me.

I went in right away to see the psychiatrist, who is a really nice lady. She asked me some questions, and I of course was brutally honest about everything, and divulged everything I felt she needed to know, and probably more than. I am not going to get into everything I said here, just because I can't take that much time right now, but she concurred that I do, in fact, have bipolar II disorder.

And obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).

And a binge eating disorder.


She feels that these three disorders run hand in hand, and make the overall picture of basically being out of control but desperately wanting to BE in control.

She put me on Lamictal (lamotrigine) to be taken at bedtime.

She referred me to a psychologist to work through my disorders by talking about it. I have 2 appointments in November with the psychologist and 1 with the psychiatrist.

Again, all of it does make sense, but man alive it is a lot to process, and for now it will be hard not to question every decision I make, every behavior I display, every action taken. I will get through this, though.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TJDOESLIFE 10/29/2011 12:13PM

    You are strong and courageous! So proud of taking these steps to wellness for YOU! XOXO!!

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L3DESIGNS 10/29/2011 2:11AM

    Hugs! Great job getting to see someone. Hope you can get some answers and continuing treatment.

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LKEITHO 10/29/2011 1:16AM

    All the best with your treatment!

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GRACEISENUF 10/28/2011 2:51PM

    Yep...that would have made me uncomfortable too knowing the person at the doc's office.

emoticon emoticon

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EYES_ON_THEPRAZ 10/28/2011 2:28PM

    Great job being open and honest, that is the way to be with our doctors so we can get the best care we need.

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MISSBEX24 10/28/2011 2:05PM

    Also, I forgot to ask...Do you mind if I share your story with someone else? I will obviously not give them any identifying info but would like to tell one of those "This girl I know is going through this..." stories.

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-POOKIE- 10/28/2011 2:04PM

    I have OCD too.

i do tend to use it for good, like weighing, measuring food down to the last gram and fussing over planning ahead on my food tracker.

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MISSBEX24 10/28/2011 2:02PM

    That would be an awful beginning to an appointment - I'd feel so uncomfortable!

I just wanted to say that after reading your first few blogs, I think you're coming at this from a positive place. In my work (social work) I see people who handle this type of news horribly. You seem ready to do what it takes to help you, and like you're willing to do the work to be the healthiest you can be. I hope this doesn't sound awkward since I don't "know" you, but I'm very proud of you for all the steps you're taking and your positive attitude.

I'm sure that as you adjust to your diagnoses it will be hard to not question yourself. It will be good, too, to be able to recognize what those behaviors are. This will be important in helping to change the behaviors that are damaging to you. I think that eventually you'll learn to identify what's harmful and what's not.

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TREASURINGLIFE 10/28/2011 1:54PM

    It's great you have everything in line. Everything is going to work out wonderfuly. I just know it. ((((HUGS))))

- Michelle

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RUNTRILAUGH 10/28/2011 1:50PM

    I am proud of you for taking the all important "first step". I wish my ex would have been this honest with himself.... You are doing what you need to do for you!


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    Just because certain behaviors have a label now, doesn't mean they are necessarily wrong. We all have different ways of getting through the world, and you are currently looking for ways to make it easier on you. Just like gambling, smoking, or needing to wear makeup when you leave the house. Nothing inherently wrong with them, just another complication of life. Leave behind the things that aren't helping. good luck, sorry your appointment had to be marred by a difficult acquaintance. That would be a bummer. I always think of my mom in these situations. She is a nurse in the only GI lab in her town (where you go to get a colonoscopy) imagine how hard that appointment would be with all your co-workers...Yuck! I would probably just take colon cancer.

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RAINEMARIE214 10/28/2011 1:39PM

    Try not to be too worried / stressed. It is great that you went to see someone and that you are getting answers, and the help that will hopefully make you happier and more comfortable with yourself and everything that you do! You are doing what YOU need to do, and that is seriously awesome. emoticon

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POA Day 2

Friday, October 28, 2011

You are going to find a change in my POA for the next few days to a week, and maybe more if needed. I will have slightly less lofty goals, and I may not make all of them. And I am okay with that as long as I am trying.

Yesterdays Recap:

1. Eat what I have tracked and planned on my SP tracker, for all to see, good or bad. emoticon

2. Drink 8 cups of water for each 1/2 to 1 can of Dr. Pepper Ten (my new favorite soda). Not met. I had about 6 cups, and 1/2 can of the soda. I call it a good day for water compared to prior days, though!

3. Take my dog for TWO walks, not one, not zero, but TWO. She deserves it, and so do I. Goal not QUITE met. I took her for one.

4. Go to my doctor's appointment to discuss probable untreated depression. emoticon

5. For fitness, go on a 3-4 mile run after work and before dinner. Nope. I didn't run after work. My shins are still hurting, and I ended up having to go pick up some bread put aside for me instead. I am not bummed about it at all. Missing a run won't hurt me!


1. Eat mindfully, and focus on what I have tracked before today.
2. Go for more than 1 walk today.
3. Pushups and other ST for half an hour.
4. Be mindful at the jewelry party today. There are going to be temptations including Oreo Balls and Wine, but thankfully I don't drink and I will have ONE Oreo Ball.
5. Drink water, at least 7 cups, strive for 8 or more.
6. Go to bed at a decent time, even though I have to work an hour of overtime tonight (mandatory).

Here's to a great day!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GRACEISENUF 10/28/2011 2:57PM

    Sounds like you planned out the day well. Enjoy that oreo ball... anything with oreos has to be tasty, LOL!

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EMSJOURNEY 10/28/2011 2:30PM

    i MUST know what an oreo ball is! =)

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-POOKIE- 10/28/2011 12:43PM

    Go for it!

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TJDOESLIFE 10/28/2011 10:42AM

    Avoid the Oreo balls!!!! Lol! I can't stop once I've started.... ;)

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ARGYLE-RUNNER 10/28/2011 10:15AM

    great plan :)

yikes - Oreo Balls!

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BETTERJULIA 10/28/2011 9:33AM

    This is great! I'm proud of you for tracking your food, drinking more water, and getting out there and walking your dog. You're going to rock your goals today!

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Reflections and explanations for my diagnosis yesterday....

Friday, October 28, 2011

Yesterday was a shock, but a relief at the same time. I entertained the idea of bipolar disorder not too long back, but quickly discounted it as the only BD I knew of was the one that was obvious (Bipolar I Disorder) that results in mania, delusions, hallucinations, and suicidal attempts. When I researched bipolar II disorder, I learned it is basically a milder form of of the first one, and instead of mania, you see more of a hypomania.

My symptoms that led to his diagnosis included the following:
~First of all, the periods of high energy levels and impulsiveness (hypomania) alternating with episodes of depression.
~ Easily distracted
~ Prior poor judgment (I had this a lot in the past, especially before 3 years ago)
~ Poor temper control (would get irritated super easily)
~ Reckless behavior including binge eating
~ Very elevated mood, including excess activity (hyperactivity), increased energy, racing thoughts, talking a lot, very high self esteem (this would happen in my hypomania).
~ Very involved in activities
~ Very upset (agitated or irritated)

For the depression (more recently):
~ Daily low mood
~ Difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions
~ Eating problems (overeating and weight gain)
~ Fatigue or lack of energy
~ Feeling worthless, hopeless
~ Loss of pleasure in activities
~ Loss of self-esteem
~ Trouble sleeping or sleeping too much (I alternated both)
~ Pulling way from friends or family (Hello, DH)

So, yeah. The only symptoms I did NOT have was suicidal ideation. I did have that once, not long before I stopped gambling. It was a scary time, believe me.

I talked with my DH for a while about this yesterday, and like me, he is relieved. He is more relieved than I am, because he said it explained a lot of past behaviors I had that he couldn't think of a reason/cause for. He is very happy that I have my appointment today and that I will begin treatment. I know that it will probably take 2-3 weeks before I feel better, and even then I will probably need adjustments in my medications. It will be worth it though. I will make sure that the medication doesn't have side effects I can't live with (super dizziness, zombie-like state, weight gain), but if it does make me better, I will take it/them.

I will update after my psychiatry appointment today, as I'm sure I will have more information including the medication she is going to start me on.

Thank you all so much for your support and love. There is a reason I do feel comfortable talking about this here. I know you care, and are here for me without judgment. You moved me to tears reading your comments and notes yesterday. I love you all!! emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GRACEISENUF 10/28/2011 2:56PM

    Sounds like you are doing your research on it and are making sound decisions.

Yes I care!


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EYES_ON_THEPRAZ 10/28/2011 2:24PM

    I think it's great that you're looking at this in a positive way and happy to move forward - there will be hurdles along the way, but you can do it! emoticon

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MISSBEX24 10/28/2011 12:30PM

    I'm glad you got the answers you needed, and that you're proceeding with treatment. So many people don't. It must be a relief to finally know that you're going to get some relief from your symptoms. emoticon

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CHASINGOLIVE 10/28/2011 11:59AM


I'm glad you're being optimistic & realizing that your mental health is so incredibly valuable :) I'm here if you need to talk or whatever you need.

SUPER happy that DH is understanding & supportive!!


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LINDSAYHENNIGAN 10/28/2011 10:59AM

    This is why we are all here, to live our best possible lives and support each other in the process. I am so glad for you, I too looked it up, and was happy when I saw that it was a milder version. Sounds like it should be easy to manage with meds, and you will be enjoying life in a couple of weeks. LOVELY!

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TREASURINGLIFE 10/28/2011 10:54AM


I'm so glad you're moving forward and your hubby is right there with you. As are we. Good luck at today's appointment.

- Michelle

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TJDOESLIFE 10/28/2011 10:39AM

    All my love and support to you doll!!
XOXO!! Muah!

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ARGYLE-RUNNER 10/28/2011 10:13AM

it takes strength and courage to not only seek help, but to post openly about your journey - thank you for sharing

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JEM0622 10/28/2011 10:04AM

    Thinking of you! emoticon

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RUNNER4LIFE08 10/28/2011 9:43AM


Sorry for not keeping up with everything the past week. You have been going through a lot. I am glad you have things figured out though and hopefully things can look up from here.

Thinking of you!

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LOOKINGTOBEFIT 10/28/2011 9:33AM

    That a girl Erin!! Your mental health is so important and I am so glad you are seeking treatment. I am going through the same with my 17 year old son. He was not diagnosed with BD but with adolescent depression. He is also starting med's and therapy. I understand your reluctance to the med's because of the side effects but hang in there it could make a huge difference for you and him. My thoughts & prayer's are with you! Keep us posted emoticon

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BETTERJULIA 10/28/2011 9:31AM

    emoticon This is such a good understanding and positive step forward you are worth it!

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MADEMCHE 10/28/2011 9:21AM

    Oh Erin! I am so happy for you that you have an answer to your questions and are moving forward. I am always here if you need to talk. All my love and many hugs!

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-POOKIE- 10/28/2011 9:15AM


Im so glad you are seeing this as a positive step and your husband is being supportive of you.

Remember, Im always ready to lend an ear, public or private, please do feel free.

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Both and Neither

Thursday, October 27, 2011

I just got home now from the doctor.

He diagnosed me with bipolar II disorder.

He said he didn't feel comfortable prescribing medications because he felt I need to see a psychiatrist immediately.

My appointment with the psychiatrist is tomorrow at 11:15.

Just a bit shellshocked right now.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CHASINGOLIVE 10/27/2011 11:20PM


I'm glad you're taking the first steps & hope you start feeling better!! I'm here if you need me :)

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LKEITHO 10/27/2011 10:03PM

    Best to get the diagnosis right and get the treatment started - hopefully you will feel much better! I hope it all goes well.

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SPACELION 10/27/2011 6:29PM

    *Big hugs*. Good luck lovely, just caught up on some of your earlier blogs and I know it was a difficult thing to do but you'll be so glad you did this a few months down the line. Let us know how you get on, wishing you the best of luck :)

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SHINJU39 10/27/2011 5:32PM


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BRANDI.FEY 10/27/2011 4:58PM

    Good luck. emoticon

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MSILVER94 10/27/2011 4:53PM

    Well now you know what is the cause and now you can take the right steps to feel better! Sorry you are having to deal with this! emoticon

Comment edited on: 10/27/2011 4:53:24 PM

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MICHSTATE 10/27/2011 4:36PM

    I am glad that you are taking the first step to get better!!! Hugs!!!!!

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FOXY13445 10/27/2011 4:11PM

    This is definitley positive!! Now you can finally start to get to the root of it!

Good luck!

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PINKBEANBOO 10/27/2011 4:08PM

    I just got caught up on your last few blogs. My thoughts are doing the right thing! Congrats on taking the first steps in feeling better.

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-POOKIE- 10/27/2011 2:27PM

    Well, frankly I consider this a step in the right direction.

Knowing whats going on is half the battle.

We are here for you.

PLEASE feel free to send me a private PM to talk if you would like, I have had my share of mental health issues and gone through counselling, medication etc and would be happy to talk privately.

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ARGYLE-RUNNER 10/27/2011 2:14PM


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LINDSAYHENNIGAN 10/27/2011 12:38PM

    Glad to hear things are going to get better for you. Keep us informed.

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TREASURINGLIFE 10/27/2011 12:31PM


- Michelle

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DRB13_1 10/27/2011 12:25PM

    This is manageable/treatable. Take it one step at a time. Think positive. Don't second guess things - get more information. HUGS

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GRACEISENUF 10/27/2011 12:24PM

    Sent you a spark goodie with my reply to this blog.

emoticon emoticon emoticon

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EYES_ON_THEPRAZ 10/27/2011 12:18PM

    emoticonI think it will help to talk to someone... i'm not sure the difference between bipolar and bipolar 2, but i'm going to go google it. Sorry to hear but I know you know it's not a death sentence, just another hiccup along the way that you'll be aware of and deal with. You can do it.

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BETTERJULIA 10/27/2011 11:39AM

    This is a good step forward - did he explain why he gave that diagnoses? Don't let this throw off your good plans for today but allow yourself to process how your feeling about it, write about it, talk to your hubby, whatever. emoticon

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Plan of Action (POA) Day #1 (my new challenge)

Thursday, October 27, 2011

I need to motivate myself, make things habits again, and do what NEEDS to be done. Today, that means:

1. Eat what I have tracked and planned on my SP tracker, for all to see, good or bad.
2. Drink 8 cups of water for each 1/2 to 1 can of Dr. Pepper Ten (my new favorite soda).
3. Take my dog for TWO walks, not one, not zero, but TWO. She deserves it, and so do I.
4. Go to my doctor's appointment to discuss probable untreated depression.
5. For fitness, go on a 3-4 mile run after work and before dinner. DH will have to understand that going to the gym at 5 a.m. some days will just not be feasible (especially on a morning like this where I went to bed at midnight - my fault - and just couldn't wake up at 5 a.m.). Besides, Kaylee has been up at 6:30 the last couple of mornings and I know he's grateful I was home to get up with her.

There is a Sparkfriend on here, Jennsfitjourney, an amazing inspiration, and she has been doing a challenge with 1000 pushups (military style) and 100 miles (walking, running, and biking) before November 1. I am not going to pretend I can get that done in that short of time, but I can do this before December 1. So, that will also be included on my POA blog each morning, with my day before results and POA for the day. I need to hold myself accountable, challenge myself, and strive to do something positive to start each day and end each day. I will blog later today about my doc appointment and how it went. I do know that the effects of an antidepressant may not show up for a week or two, maybe 3, but I am okay with that. I can't depend on the medication to start today.

Pushups: 0/100
Miles: 0/1000

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CHASINGOLIVE 10/27/2011 11:18PM

    GO ERIN!!! :)

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MAMADWARF 10/27/2011 10:55AM

    woohoo, go ERIN!

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BETTERJULIA 10/27/2011 10:29AM

    This is a great plan of attack! Do these things and ENJOY them find the things about the healthy foods you have planned, savor that one soda, feel the water refresh your thirsty body, enjoy the crisp fall air as you walk your puppy.

BUT don't feel overwhelmed or disappointed or let it hold you back if you don't make all of the goals.

I like that 1000,100 challenge I just might have to do that! Keep up your great work I'm sooooo glad to see you back!

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CRYSBROWN1 10/27/2011 10:02AM

    Good goals!

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SGRAY478 10/27/2011 9:31AM

    Sounds like an awesome goal. You go girl!!

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LUVDOGZ 10/27/2011 9:18AM

    Sounds like a great plan, you will do this!!!

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LKEITHO 10/27/2011 9:03AM

    Great plan! You can do this!

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-POOKIE- 10/27/2011 8:55AM

    Planning things out on, well, screen, not paper but you get my cliche Im sure! Planning things out always helps me too.

Go for it!

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