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ERINBEAR1876's Recent Blog Entries
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Friday, October 28, 2011
I should be getting back to work right away, but I want to type this up before I forget some of the details.
First of all, I get to my appointment, and the nurse? One of my friends' sister-in-law. A person whose personality grinds at me,...but who am I to say? See, her daughter is a play date friend of my little girl. Anyway, so because she is the nurse, she basically knows what I am there for. I know she will not break confidentiality, but that was not a good beginning to the appointment to me.
I went in right away to see the psychiatrist, who is a really nice lady. She asked me some questions, and I of course was brutally honest about everything, and divulged everything I felt she needed to know, and probably more than. I am not going to get into everything I said here, just because I can't take that much time right now, but she concurred that I do, in fact, have bipolar II disorder.
And obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).
And a binge eating disorder.
She feels that these three disorders run hand in hand, and make the overall picture of basically being out of control but desperately wanting to BE in control.
She put me on Lamictal (lamotrigine) to be taken at bedtime.
She referred me to a psychologist to work through my disorders by talking about it. I have 2 appointments in November with the psychologist and 1 with the psychiatrist.
Again, all of it does make sense, but man alive it is a lot to process, and for now it will be hard not to question every decision I make, every behavior I display, every action taken. I will get through this, though.
Friday, October 28, 2011
You are going to find a change in my POA for the next few days to a week, and maybe more if needed. I will have slightly less lofty goals, and I may not make all of them. And I am okay with that as long as I am trying.
Yesterdays Recap:
1. Eat what I have tracked and planned on my SP tracker, for all to see, good or bad. 
2. Drink 8 cups of water for each 1/2 to 1 can of Dr. Pepper Ten (my new favorite soda). Not met. I had about 6 cups, and 1/2 can of the soda. I call it a good day for water compared to prior days, though!
3. Take my dog for TWO walks, not one, not zero, but TWO. She deserves it, and so do I. Goal not QUITE met. I took her for one.
4. Go to my doctor's appointment to discuss probable untreated depression.
5. For fitness, go on a 3-4 mile run after work and before dinner. Nope. I didn't run after work. My shins are still hurting, and I ended up having to go pick up some bread put aside for me instead. I am not bummed about it at all. Missing a run won't hurt me!
FOR TODAY:
1. Eat mindfully, and focus on what I have tracked before today.
2. Go for more than 1 walk today.
3. Pushups and other ST for half an hour.
4. Be mindful at the jewelry party today. There are going to be temptations including Oreo Balls and Wine, but thankfully I don't drink and I will have ONE Oreo Ball.
5. Drink water, at least 7 cups, strive for 8 or more.
6. Go to bed at a decent time, even though I have to work an hour of overtime tonight (mandatory).
Here's to a great day!
Friday, October 28, 2011
Yesterday was a shock, but a relief at the same time. I entertained the idea of bipolar disorder not too long back, but quickly discounted it as the only BD I knew of was the one that was obvious (Bipolar I Disorder) that results in mania, delusions, hallucinations, and suicidal attempts. When I researched bipolar II disorder, I learned it is basically a milder form of of the first one, and instead of mania, you see more of a hypomania.
My symptoms that led to his diagnosis included the following:
~First of all, the periods of high energy levels and impulsiveness (hypomania) alternating with episodes of depression.
~ Easily distracted
~ Prior poor judgment (I had this a lot in the past, especially before 3 years ago)
~ Poor temper control (would get irritated super easily)
~ Reckless behavior including binge eating
~ Very elevated mood, including excess activity (hyperactivity), increased energy, racing thoughts, talking a lot, very high self esteem (this would happen in my hypomania).
~ Very involved in activities
~ Very upset (agitated or irritated)
For the depression (more recently):
~ Daily low mood
~ Difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions
~ Eating problems (overeating and weight gain)
~ Fatigue or lack of energy
~ Feeling worthless, hopeless
~ Loss of pleasure in activities
~ Loss of self-esteem
~ Trouble sleeping or sleeping too much (I alternated both)
~ Pulling way from friends or family (Hello, DH)
So, yeah. The only symptoms I did NOT have was suicidal ideation. I did have that once, not long before I stopped gambling. It was a scary time, believe me.
I talked with my DH for a while about this yesterday, and like me, he is relieved. He is more relieved than I am, because he said it explained a lot of past behaviors I had that he couldn't think of a reason/cause for. He is very happy that I have my appointment today and that I will begin treatment. I know that it will probably take 2-3 weeks before I feel better, and even then I will probably need adjustments in my medications. It will be worth it though. I will make sure that the medication doesn't have side effects I can't live with (super dizziness, zombie-like state, weight gain), but if it does make me better, I will take it/them.
I will update after my psychiatry appointment today, as I'm sure I will have more information including the medication she is going to start me on.
Thank you all so much for your support and love. There is a reason I do feel comfortable talking about this here. I know you care, and are here for me without judgment. You moved me to tears reading your comments and notes yesterday. I love you all!! 
Thursday, October 27, 2011
I just got home now from the doctor.
He diagnosed me with bipolar II disorder.
He said he didn't feel comfortable prescribing medications because he felt I need to see a psychiatrist immediately.
My appointment with the psychiatrist is tomorrow at 11:15.
Just a bit shellshocked right now.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
I need to motivate myself, make things habits again, and do what NEEDS to be done. Today, that means:
1. Eat what I have tracked and planned on my SP tracker, for all to see, good or bad.
2. Drink 8 cups of water for each 1/2 to 1 can of Dr. Pepper Ten (my new favorite soda).
3. Take my dog for TWO walks, not one, not zero, but TWO. She deserves it, and so do I.
4. Go to my doctor's appointment to discuss probable untreated depression.
5. For fitness, go on a 3-4 mile run after work and before dinner. DH will have to understand that going to the gym at 5 a.m. some days will just not be feasible (especially on a morning like this where I went to bed at midnight - my fault - and just couldn't wake up at 5 a.m.). Besides, Kaylee has been up at 6:30 the last couple of mornings and I know he's grateful I was home to get up with her.
There is a Sparkfriend on here, Jennsfitjourney, an amazing inspiration, and she has been doing a challenge with 1000 pushups (military style) and 100 miles (walking, running, and biking) before November 1. I am not going to pretend I can get that done in that short of time, but I can do this before December 1. So, that will also be included on my POA blog each morning, with my day before results and POA for the day. I need to hold myself accountable, challenge myself, and strive to do something positive to start each day and end each day. I will blog later today about my doc appointment and how it went. I do know that the effects of an antidepressant may not show up for a week or two, maybe 3, but I am okay with that. I can't depend on the medication to start today.
Pushups: 0/100
Miles: 0/1000
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