Thursday, October 27, 2011
I have been feeling worse and worse over the last week, and my eating has reflected that. It's hard for me to go to the doctor for anything, and especially for something that I do NOT want added to my medical record - Depression.
My career is that of a medical transcriptionist. I type notes for doctors on patient visits, be it hospital, clinic, physical therapy, etc.
If I go to the doctor, someone I work with will type that note up. It hasn't bothered me until now. Because now whomever types that note up will know this about me, and I won't know which one it is. It shouldn't matter to me, but it does. Just like having obesity in my medical history. That one freaked me out, but thankfully it was never added. Not sure why as I was obese for quite a few years here.
It's like a stigma to me, even though I fully believe that we need to do and need to take what we need to help. So what I mean is....if taking an antidepressant will help me, I may just have to do that. I hate taking medications because of side effects. The last time I took an antidepressant was when I quit smoking (Wellbutrin) and the dizziness was so debilitating to me, but I stayed on it for 6 months before weaning off it.
However, it's come to the time where I need to face facts.
I have lost all motivation. I get short bursts of it here and there, but lately it has just fizzled out on me.
I am so so so so so so tired. Finally this morning I took a mental health day and slept until 12:45 before going to work. Did it help? Not really. I am still so so so so so tired. Yet it's 10:50 when I should be in bed.
I eat all the damned time now. I can't stop thinking about food and then making the decision to eat. This evening I had Subway (footlong chicken and bacon ranch) followed by a cookie at the local bakery (I went there to buy bread but they were out, so I of course bought a cookie). I had a mini blizzard at DQ in the north part of town.
It wasn't big enough, so on the south side of town near our house I picked up a hot fudge shake, medium....for after Kaylee went to bed.
And this was after I admitted to DH about how I have been crappy with eating, and how I have the appointment to see the doctor tomorrow, where you KNOW there will weigh me.
I weighed 176 this morning. I weighed 172 a couple of days ago, 169 the day before that. That's just.....not right.
So,...I just wonder to myself if food is another addiction to me and I am not treating it like an addiction, or if my being depressed or something like that is lending itself towards me eating like this? I wish I could know for sure.
I just don't have much ambition right now. I have goals and plans, and there are some things I am super excited about, like running the Fargo Half Marathon in May. But that seems so far away.
I am excited about the plastic surgery appointment on November 22, but I am also scared because I don't want to go into that appointment with my weight problem out of control and my headspace all screwed up the way it is now.
I can't undo all I have worked so hard for, yet that is what I seem to be doing. And it's not because I am giving up. I don't want to give up.
I just want to sleep. For a long time.
Oh, and running? I need to watch out on that. I have been pushing a bit too hard on the few I have done recently, and my shins HATE me right now.
I turn 31 in about 2-1/2 weeks, and that makes me a little sad, because I was in a better place this time last year.
My lowest weight is 158 pounds. I want to be 150 pounds. I am 176. Not the right direction, nosiree.
I feel the need to write this blog because I need to own up to how I have been doing, where I am at, and because it seems like quite a few of my buddies are in the same situation, or headed that way.
I know what I need to do...but knowing is not the same as DOING. I am hoping that the DOING starts happening here. No one else can do this for me. I need to start making the right choices. Because though I have short bursts of happiness,...I am not really all that happy lately. No stressors really...
And I can't believe I am going to type this out, because it scares me that someone who knows me IRL may read this (this page is not private)...but lately I have been completely not into my DH. I love him to pieces, but physically I am like....dead inside towards him. And that just blows. He shows me show much affection, and it's almost like I have to fake giving back the affection. Not sure how to explain it. And it's not like I am looking in another direction. I would never emotionally or physically cheat on him. I am praying that it is part of the depression, and once I get back into being on track, and feeling good about myself again, that I feel good about him again.
Because he is my rock. He is SO supportive of me, and loves me so much. And I love HIM. He really is my soul mate, and he deserves nothing less than the best from me. Why can't I give that to him? And I can tell he knows something is up, but I just don't know what to say to him, because I am not sure what is up myself.
And thanks to anyone who read this, as my rambling just went in too many directions for ME to follow.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
A bit of a quickie blog since I am a bit behind on work this morning.
Yesterday was a weird day. I didn't go to the gym in the morning because my ankle hurt and I was nauseated. I dropped Kaylee off at daycare at 9:30 after taking her on a long walk, then walked the dog, then got home. I still hadn't eaten anything (it was about 10 a.m.) but I just wasn't hungry. I drank some water and went to bed to rest. Yeah, rest....I woke up at 3!!! That was a LONG nap. I did feel a bit better, though. I decided to get some work in at 3:15 and tried some lunch. I took one bite of my sweet and sour chicken stir fry and darn near spit it out. SO, I had a slice of the Oatmeal Whole Wheat bread with some Country Crock. I felt super full after that.
I worked until about 4:45 because my mom called saying she would be late picking Kaylee up. She did pick her up at 5:30, and I headed to the gym. I went on the elliptical for 45 minutes, but had an "episode" about 30 minutes in where I almost lost my balance and fell off, just feeling lightheaded. I was planning an hour, but stopped at 45 minutes because I just wasn't feeling better. I got home, took the dog for another long walk, went and picked up my prescriptions, and went to the grocery store (we were out of milk and dog food). I got home, then nuked a small portion of my Shepherd's pie. It went down fine, but I was again too full to eat anything else.
Picked Kaylee up and brought her home, put her to bed at 8. I worked until 9:45, then caught up on the latest episode of Grey's Anatomy while picking at some grapes, then tried to go to bed at about 11:00. Couldn't sleep, so planned my meals for the next day. Still couldn't sleep. Then all of a sudden I was starving, so I got up and had about 10 grapes, and then talked with DH when he got home. I finally got to bed about 12:30.
I woke up at 5 to go to the gym, stood up, and about fell over. I was no longer nauseated (in fact, I felt quite hungry), but the dizziness was just so overpowering, so I got some water, and then laid down again. I woke up at 7:30 and basically still felt dizzy.
It is getting a bit better, but now after having 2 slices of french toast (made with the oatmeal bread that is getting stale now), I feel nauseated AND dizzy. I must be fighting something off...
My plan for today was to run 4 miles. I intend to try to do that, but instead run outside around the block either until I hit 4 miles or I just don't feel I can continue. Me on a treadmill today just doesn't look good. I don't trust my balance that much...
I just hope this doesn't get worse. I really have a fairly low tolerance for certain illnesses, especially ones where I throw up.
Oh, and for anyone wondering if I'm (there are a few people wondering, and I love the concern being expressed!!), I really don't think I am. I will keep it in mind, but being I had my period 6 days ago, I think I'm not. I hate to say this, because it sounds just horrible, but I really really really really don't want to be pregnant. I have even asked DH to get snipped. Yeah, I did. And yes, we are young. Yes, we only have one child, but honestly, if down to road we DO end up wanting another child, we plan on looking into adopting. So yeah. Snipped. For some weird reason or another, he is skittish and wants me to get my tubes tied. As if!!!
Okay, this ran long, but hey, it's me...would you settle for any less? I am such a rambling rambler.
Have a great Thursday everyone!!
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Today is my day off for working this coming up Saturday. It actually was supposed to be tomorrow, but daycare isn't opening until 9:30 today so I thought it easier just to switch days off and avoid having to make up time today while I take care of my little pumpkin.
I woke up this morning when my alarm clock went off at 5:10. And knew I wasn't going in. My stomach felt....off. Like just a bit nauseated. Then, when I went up to maybe get ready, my ankle hurt, like I had mildly sprained it. I know my shins were hurting yesterday when running with the beginner's group, but my ankle felt fine, and nothing hurt when I went to bed? One of those mysteries, I guess.
I had a pretty decent weigh-in despite not sweating a little extra out at the gym this morning (168.6). I had a great day yesterday and didn't have too many cravings or just general hungriness like the day before.
The thing is, today IS my day off, and unlike the weekend, I will be alone. Kaylee goes to daycare in 1 hour, my DH is at work until 4:30, and then he goes to his other job until midnight, and my mom is picking Kaylee up from daycare so she can spend the evening with "baba."
That means I am pretty much on my own, from 9:30 until I pick up Kaylee about 8. I am in the right frame of mind, though it has been bunged up some because of my not feeling 100% and my achy ankle. I am planning on having a light breakfast after I bring Kaylee to daycare, then maybe laying down for a rest if I don't feel good, or put in some overtime if I am feeling okay. If my ankle and stomach both feel good this afternoon, I will go to the gym and put a half hour to 1 hour on the elliptical machine so I take it easy on my joints.
As usual, I planned out my meals last night for today. That system has worked the best for me because then I have no surprises and no worries about the food that has been planned. Sure, sometimes I change an item or two, but I always make sure the calorie count is about the same.
As my added incentive for staying on track, I will continue to keep my countdowns added at the end of each blog:
8 days until super shopping with my super husband at Mall of America and in Albertville.
33 days until my 31st birthday. Woohoo!
37 days until Breaking Dawn Part 1 (yeah, I'm a Twi-Hard, or Twilighter, or whatever geeky name you can come up with for me).
41 days until my consultation with the cosmetic surgeon to evaluate the loose skin on my tummy that I can't get rid of myself.
70-ish days until my surgery if everything goes according to plan.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Last night I had what could have become the usual binge that would derail me. Instead, I was able to stop at 1560 calories and go to bed without that happening. I had already been in the process of stopping myself (see my last status update) when my husband had a bit of a talk with me.
He started by asking me if I was going to be okay. I said...Uh, yeah. Why?
He said he was worried I was going to binge on food. I asked him how he knew this. He said that my behavior over the day and evening pointed towards this happening again. I asked him to tell me my signs/symptoms of an upcoming binge, and here is what he described:
1. Mention casually about how hungry I've been all day (I did this on the phone at 2:30 when he called. I believe I was at 900 calories at this time).
2. Talk about how I am not sure what is for dinner/waffling on plans for a healthy or already portioned dinner (I was planning on making shepherd's pie, a comfort food, and I mentioned how I wasn't sure I wanted to make it since it takes preparation and I was feeling too tired/lazy to do it).
3. Casually mention various coupons for take-out that we have (he had just purchased a coupon book from a student that had a ton of free coupons from places like Italian Moon, Ground Round, and various pizza joints).
4. When he would point out dinner plans already made, I would then become frustrated and vent about how I can't have anything and he always gets to eat out, and blah, blah, blah. (I cannot deny this at all).
5. Usually this then leads to me waiting until he goes out with his friends or something for the night, and I eat my way into oblivion. (thankfully I stopped myself before this step).
Of note, I have been on track for 12 days now (and down to 168 from a high of 177.8 the day before I started tracking again) and usually by now I have a "down" day. The full moon is out there. It's period time, baby.
And those are the excuses I have used in the past to my husband when I have gone off track, jumped off the wagon, and dove into the comfort of food. He's heard them all, I've used them all, and I am not using them anymore.
In the past, I would have been defensive and jumped all over him for pointing out my "flaws." Instead, I hugged him and thanked him for pointing these things out to me, because I was blissfully unaware consciously of them, though looking back, I know that I really did know that I was setting myself up. My mind just is nice or mean enough to make me pretend I don't know what the hell is going on until it's too late.
So, here goes day 12, and here are some countdowns to help keep me on the straight and narrow:
9 days until super shopping with my super husband at Mall of America and in Albertville.
34 days until my 31st birthday. Woohoo!
38 days until Breaking Dawn Part 1 (yeah, I'm a Twi-Hard, or Twilighter, or whatever geeky name you can come up with for me).
42 days until my consultation with the cosmetic surgeon.
70-ish days until my surgery if everything goes according to plan.
Also, we may be going to a beach somewhere in early March. Not sure, probably a plan that will fall through but hey. Swimsuit ready in March? I will be. Heck, I'm kinda happy in a suit now anyway so I can only imagine how pumped I'll be for then!
Here's to a fantastic Tuesday :o}
Monday, October 10, 2011
I woke up at 4:30 with a primary goal of running at least 3 miles, basically run unless it feels like I may injure myself (note I hadn't run more than 5 miles in a row for a few weeks). My secondary goal was to attempt running the full 13.1 miles (half marathon) though I had not really trained for it. This is why I woke up so early, so I would not still be running when my little girl got up for the day at around 7:30 or a bit earlier.
I decided to run a 1-mile block radius around my house so I would have access to my fuel (shot blocks) and water, along with tissues (runny nose, as always when I run) and a towel (for the fun sweat!). It was pretty chilly out, at 40 with a south wind coming in at about 15 mph. I ran around a few times, and thought that besides my breathing/respiratory component to the running (it had to work pretty hard), I was feeling good. Three miles were up, and I knew I could keep going. Next goal was 5 miles. When I got to that point, I knew I could go more, so I thought, okay, 1.2 more miles would have me finishing a 10K. Then, when I got there, I started feeling some pangs in my right thigh, and in my left foot. I figured I would finish up this mile and see where I was at. When I finished, and had 7 miles in the bag, I knew I had to stop. If it was a race, or even if it was for true training, I could have kept going, but this was good for me. I was very proud that I had done this.
I spent the rest of the day being busy and eating well. My sodium ended up being a bit higher than I would have liked due to too much processed food, but other than that I stayed in most all my ranges, most importantly the calories. I brought my little girl to the pumpkin farm, was tempted by their homemade pumpkin bars and that concession stand in general, but walked away. I went to bed at a good time.
I got up a little later than usual since my pumpkin slept in (8 a.m.). This day again was really great. I decided to really put into practice the whole "putting myself first" deal and planned for a "lazy" day where there would be no gym, no running, no ST. No overtime at work either (hard for me NOT to do that!!! I like money!!!). We did a lot of things together (DH, Kaylee, and I), went for walks, went to stores, bought a loaf of bread at Dakota Harvest Bakers (oatmeal whole wheat...SUPER YUMMY), and watched a lot of football. I again finished out my day in my ranges and super happy with myself.
I have been weighing myself every morning and plan on doing so until I get back down to 160. This morning I weight 168.8 which is SUPER awesome, especially considering I haven't sweated since my 7-mile run on Saturday. Nutrition really is 80% of the whole picture, folks. I need to really implant that fact into my brain. My goal to get down to 160 is fairly aggressive, basically with losing nearly 0.5 pound a day until the beginning of November. Yeah, I may not get there, but according to my data, I should be at 169.5 this morning, and I am below that! I am just going to keep on doing what I am doing, which is basically being smart, healthy, and conscious of what I am doing. I am having little treats (80-calorie ice cream cups with either strawberry topping or chocolate topping) and such when I really am craving something. I made a sweet and sour stir fry for my lunch today. I had chicken lo mein for the last 2 dinners. I had homemade chicken noodle soup for my last 2 lunches. Yeah, I know...sodium, but they were comfort foods that were portioned out and I stayed in the ranges besides sodium because of that!
Today, I didn't get up to go to the gym, but will plan on going this evening. If I don't, it will be my rest day instead of Wednesday. I will have my sweet and sour stir fry for lunch, and my dinner will be shepherd's pie, with lots of veggies :o} I haven't had this in about 15 years and just want to make it!
Otherwise, it will just be another day of being busy, doing what I know I should be doing, and looking forward to my consultation with the cosmetic surgeon on November 22 to see about removing this loose skin on my abdomen. My week is pretty busy, pretty packed with plans, and I am happy about that!!!
Well, back to work...can't put that off forever ;o}
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