Friday, October 07, 2011
That's how I feel I am being sometimes when I am putting myself first, when I am putting my health first.
This last week has been paramount to my future success, because even though I am super motivated, I know that a small slip-up could easily lead to a breakdown or jumping off the track completely. Those 2 weeks where I went so crazy with food...they really got me down. And I mean down. I hadn't felt that depressed in a LONG time. And, I was really feeling an addiction to junk food really hit me hard.
Since I started back to eating healthy a week ago, I have avoided any form of eating out. I planned ahead, tracked everything, and stayed away from temptations.
I didn't go to the funeral of my distant cousin today for a couple of reasons, my mom being one of them (see previous blog if you don't have a clue what I am talking about), but also because my entire family on that side is very into that "love is food, food is love" mentality. I knew I would be faced with a ridiculous amount of crap, and would have to really be tough to avoid it.
Also, I need to save all my Paid Time Off if I get approved to have that surgery in December. Yeah, Me, Me, ME.
But, when it is me, me, me, I am happier, I am liking myself more, and I become a much more attentive and playful mom and wife, daughter and sister. I become a person that people actually want to be around, instead of the whiny, woe-is-me, I do everything for everyone to make everyone else happy downer who stuffs her face.
I took a step back last night from the me, me, me thing though because when I talked to my mom I felt bad about skipping out on the visitation and funeral because I know he was closer to her. SO, I said I would bring me and Kaylee out there to visit and go in the pool (45 minutes away).
That means we have to leave the minute I get off work at 5, and we will have maybe 1-2 hours to do that, then have to drive back home. And have dinner somewhere in there. In the past, it would be the McD's drive thru for a kids meal for Kaylee and I am sure a value meal large size for myself (hey, that Monopoly game is going on now). Instead, I will be packing up a sandwich for me, wheat thins, and grapes (for Kaylee too).
Because I am worth it, I deserve it, and that is what matters.
Thursday, October 06, 2011
Last night I had a bit of sleep onset insomnia. I just could NOT fall asleep no matter how hard I tried. I think it was worse the harder I tried. The good thing is I got a lot of sparking done and did the bonus for our team already this week!
My plan was originally to get up at 5 a.m. to go to the gym and run 4 miles. I tell you what, though, getting about 5 hours of sleep (I fell asleep about 12:30-ish) versus about 7 (getting up when Kaylee woke us up at 7:10) was THE decision to make. Sure, I wanted to be able to get up and go, but I have made my sleep a big priority for this last week, and that I know has contributed HUGE to my attitude.
SO, when my alarm went off, I shut it off and went back to sleep. I haven't taken a day off a the gym for a week, so today becomes my day off! No big deal. I weighed in, and it was about the same as yesterday, which I am really happy about. I know it would be down 1-2 pounds if I went on that 4-mile run (yeah, I sweat a lot). I have a daily to-do list that also has what I should be weighing that day to be on track to be at 160 around the first week of November. Today I needed to be at 171.5, and my weight this morning is 171.8. Too happy about that. Just about a week ago I saw 177.8, so I am just thrilled. I am not thinking about dropping a ton of weight, just keeping on track and seeing what the results are. If I am not 160 by the first of November, that is fine as long as I know that I did the work, and didn't go off track.
The days this month that can hurt me food-wise: October 27/28, when I will be in the Twin Cities shopping with my DH. We already made plans to eat as healthy as we can while we are there, sticking to healthy options at places like Subway, and yes eating at McDonald's most likely but watching portion control (having a cheeseburger and a small fry).
The other day that I am actually more worried about would be Halloween. This is the first year that Kaylee will be REALLY trick-or-treating (she went to a few houses last year, but not much). She will be having a lot of candy, and we will put aside the stuff she can have here and there over the next while, but yeah, that's gonna be a lot of candy! I'll have to put a plan in place that night, too. Mommy loves chocolate.
I had a fun day yesterday. Kaylee and I me up with ALYSSA4OLIVIA for a playdate at the new park that was built a couple of weeks ago (some kids burned down the other one, it is made mostly of wood). It is pretty awesome!!! I loved catching up a bit with Alyssa, and hope to do this more often :o}
In non-related news, I found out from my brother yesterday that my mom had a relapse that she did not tell me about. About a month and a half ago, she told me about her addiction and stopped. I am in the support group for this, and wanted her to go. She had some excuses, but finally I just let her know I couldn't make her go. I am pretty upset about this. The reason I found out is because she is putting herself in a situation this weekend that will pretty much set her up to relapse, I brought those concerns to my brother, and he said that she already had done it 1-2 weeks ago. Funny, because I asked how she was doing after that had happened and she said great and how she wasn't having many cravings anymore. It's one thing to do it, but another thing to lie to me. Once you admit to having an addiction, you don't go back to lying about it. You just don't. I am supposed to go with to a visitation tonight, and I just don't know if I have it in me. It's not the time to bring things up, but I don't think I can just sit there on a 30-minute drive to this place and NOT say anything. *sigh* Honestly, for my mental health? I may need to just stay home with my husband and little girl :o} (She has other family going with her also to the visitation, so she wouldn't be alone without me).
I do know what I need to do about this situation myself, but I can't change her, and I can't control her actions. I can only let her know that if she runs into trouble, she can talk to me about it at any time. But, I will NOT enable her. I love her too much to do that.
Wednesday, October 05, 2011
It is going to be 90 degrees today. I just got back from a nice walk with my dog and it is about 80. The sun is SO beautiful and warm today, with a nice wind to make it milder. Even though I was already in a pretty good mood today overall (with my weight this morning being 171, yay!!!), it brightened me up even more and just energized me.
I have really hit my stride, and my cravings for fast food and junky food in general is going away. I know I have a long way to go, but the hardest part (starting) is over. I just need to keep remembering how hard it is to get back up after I fall. I know that I always DO get up, but it is just SO much easier to stay on track. I am on my 5th day of fully tracking everything, and I have been taking time each night to plan and track my meals and snacks for the next day (so I won't be caught not knowing what to eat). I got up this morning and made it to the gym and had a fantastic workout. I went out for a 2.5-mile run yesterday with the running group and met a new person, who is planning on running the half marathon in May in Fargo. I probably won't be running with her, but I do plan to meet up with her for sure!
I have been mapping out my training, and that is an exhilarating feeling. I am taking it long and slow this time, not adding too many miles onto my long run each week, just taking it in increments every other week. I also will be running no more than 4 miles a pop during the week (most likely a 3-mile run and a 4-mile run during the week) and then do my crosstraining (either spinning or elliptical) plus work hard on ST. I will NOT burn myself out. I will be smart. And I WILL accomplish what I set out to do.
Oh, and my good habits have been rubbing off again on DH. The last 2 days he's asked me to make a bag lunch for him so he doesn't eat the school food :o} It warms my heart!
And, I am looking at signing up for the Warrior Dash next June, and actually being able to go (this year my little girl was too sick). I think the spots fill up fast, though!
Tuesday, October 04, 2011
This weekend was supposed to be a girls weekend up in the Lake of the Woods in a luxury cabin. I was worried about eating bad while there since my mom had been talking about apple crisp, apple pies, bars, etc.
A distant relative, however, passed away suddenly on Sunday, and his funeral was set for Friday. My mom wants to go (she was closer to him), so the cabin trip was canceled.
A part of me is sad that I didn't continue training, because I am available now to run that half marathon in Fargo on Saturday, but I know that it's best for me to take a pass on it. I am putting together other plans for this weekend with my little girl :o}
I have been watching weight loss shows on Hulu Plus including "I Used to Be Fat" and "Extreme Makeover". Seeing their struggles and their successes....it really resonates with me, and I have been watching them at times where I am wanting to munch mindlessly on food.
One of the main things that sticks out on one of the shows is a reward for reaching a weight goal. So, I have my goal that once I get back to 160 pounds I will be able to make the surgical consultation to have my excess skin removed from my stomach/flank area (abdominoplasty), just to find out what it will take, how much it will cost, the recovery time, etc. This is a big deal for me. I am not taking this lightly at all, and I know that it will be hard, painful, and there will be scars, and I know the outcome will not be perfect, but I just can't stand this area on my body...nothing fits me right because of it. IF I go through the surgery, it will be the day or two after Christmas.
Monday, October 03, 2011
This will be a quickie since I am working, but I have been thinking about these goals. I didn't make any goals for August or September really, and I have to say that although I don't always accomplish them, I love to strive for them.
For October, I would like to finish out this month between 160-163 (today I am at 173). Yes, it will be tough, but I want to give it my all :o}
I want to work out smarter, and start training for speed AND distance. I started yesterday by running for just 7 minutes, but 1 of those minutes I ran at 7.5 mph. I want to add a half minute at that speed for every shorter run. I am not thinking of a faster time for longer races, but a faster 5K time. My fastest 5K was 29:15 and I did not PR this summer. That will change next summer for sure. I ultimately want to get to the 25 minute mark. That will NOT be easy, but I know it CAN be done.
My other goal is to take a personal inventory of myself at the beginning and end of each day. At the beginning, I will take time to put myself in the right frame of mind, with a positive attitude, and make a list of my goals for the day. At the end of the day I will go over what I did, what I could improve on, and go to bed with a positive attitude. I know this will make a difference.
Well, I love to run, so it's time that I start training for some races I would love to run. These will be:
1. Frozen Feat 10K in February. This will be a toughie as I foresee myself having surgery the end of December. I may not be able to race this if the doctor doesn't clear me, but we will see.
2. Fargo Half Marathon in May 2012. I plan on doing the Go Far Challenge that I was going to do this year, which is running the 5K on Friday, and then running the half marathon on Saturday. May have to see if RDARLING is planning on this again :o}
3. Twin Cities Marathon in October 2012. It's time I bring this goal back out on the shelf after some dusting. I know that I probably will not run more than 1 marathon, but it IS a goal I want to achieve at least once. This is the perfect marathon to train for as it is in the fall and I won't have to do train those super long distances on the treadmill for the most part. I am also excited about hopefully running this with a fellow sparker, Tamie Jo (and I am praying I didn't spell that wrong).
My goal PR on the 5K for within the year honestly will be sub-29 minutes, and then I will go from there. I would like to get under my 10K PR (under 58 minutes), and for my half? Under 2:15 minutes. The marathon? Well, gee, since I don't HAVE a PR for that, I will be content with finishing :o}
This is all of course if I do not get injured which I am going to make sure doesn't happen unless I can't help it!!
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