ERINBEAR1876   27,451
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Me, Me, Me

Friday, October 07, 2011

That's how I feel I am being sometimes when I am putting myself first, when I am putting my health first.

This last week has been paramount to my future success, because even though I am super motivated, I know that a small slip-up could easily lead to a breakdown or jumping off the track completely. Those 2 weeks where I went so crazy with food...they really got me down. And I mean down. I hadn't felt that depressed in a LONG time. And, I was really feeling an addiction to junk food really hit me hard.

Since I started back to eating healthy a week ago, I have avoided any form of eating out. I planned ahead, tracked everything, and stayed away from temptations.

I didn't go to the funeral of my distant cousin today for a couple of reasons, my mom being one of them (see previous blog if you don't have a clue what I am talking about), but also because my entire family on that side is very into that "love is food, food is love" mentality. I knew I would be faced with a ridiculous amount of crap, and would have to really be tough to avoid it.

Also, I need to save all my Paid Time Off if I get approved to have that surgery in December. Yeah, Me, Me, ME.

But, when it is me, me, me, I am happier, I am liking myself more, and I become a much more attentive and playful mom and wife, daughter and sister. I become a person that people actually want to be around, instead of the whiny, woe-is-me, I do everything for everyone to make everyone else happy downer who stuffs her face.

I took a step back last night from the me, me, me thing though because when I talked to my mom I felt bad about skipping out on the visitation and funeral because I know he was closer to her. SO, I said I would bring me and Kaylee out there to visit and go in the pool (45 minutes away).

That means we have to leave the minute I get off work at 5, and we will have maybe 1-2 hours to do that, then have to drive back home. And have dinner somewhere in there. In the past, it would be the McD's drive thru for a kids meal for Kaylee and I am sure a value meal large size for myself (hey, that Monopoly game is going on now). Instead, I will be packing up a sandwich for me, wheat thins, and grapes (for Kaylee too).

Because I am worth it, I deserve it, and that is what matters.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GRACEISENUF 10/9/2011 9:15PM

    Sounds like you have pulled yourself up by the boot straps and are taking great care of yourself.

Let's reach our goals and enjoy the journey!


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MAMADWARF 10/9/2011 9:03PM

    Good for you and yes you deserve it!

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_COSMOPAULATAN_ 10/9/2011 8:41PM

    You are worth it love. You are.

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JNK125 10/7/2011 8:20PM

    I am very impressed by your dedication and resolve! It's funny because I used to use the whole "the monopoly game is currently going on' to justify buying fries from McDs or increasing the size of the meal for more chances to win. I'm so proud of you for planning ahead and making smart decisions that will benefit you in the future. Great attitude and way to stay committed!

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HAPPYSOUL91 10/7/2011 3:25PM

    Yes you are worth it and yes you do deserve it

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DUSTYGIRL25 10/7/2011 2:56PM

    Yay! Good for You! I know it's hard and seems like a battle but you are worth it!

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SUGIRL06 10/7/2011 1:38PM

    GOOD FOR YOU!!!!
I too have problems always doing for others and forgetting about myself. Lately, I've been more "selfish", taking time for me and saying no to friends and family. Sometimes, its just what you have to do! You are a better person because of it so keep thinking about yourself!

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EYES_ON_THEPRAZ 10/7/2011 1:12PM

    Glad you are taking care of yourself and putting yourself #1 (or at least a close second!)

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EDDLES08 10/7/2011 1:08PM

    I can so relate to this. My family is all about food=love+acceptance. Since I have changed I am now the black sheep of the family. That isn't a very good feeling, but I have to do what is right for MY family. I need to break the cycle for my daughter.

It is tough but you are doing the right thing. Good for you!

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ARGYLE-RUNNER 10/7/2011 12:10PM

    Awesome plan for the swimming!

You are so worth it - when you focus on yourself you naturally will have time and space to help others - I struggle with this too, but I know it is true :)

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MICHSTATE 10/7/2011 11:33AM

    Good fir you!!!! Just like in an airplane when they say to get your oxygen mask on first before helping others!!!!:-)

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CRYSBROWN1 10/7/2011 10:58AM

    Nothing wrong with focusing on yourself. Good plan of attack for the weekend!

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ANNE1123 10/7/2011 10:52AM

    I think it's great that you are doing all that you are to meet your goals. And, it obviously makes a difference to plan, you show this. Not to be a fan of McDonald's, but I have to stop there when I make long drives up North and I've been happy with the unsweetened tea. Supposedly those kiddie cones are a low cal, although low in nutrients treat. Anyway, the point is, if you consciously look at McDonald's or any other restaurants menu, ordering super size meals isn't so easy. But you know this!! emoticon Have a good weekend! emoticon

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    Yes indeed. Well done

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-POOKIE- 10/7/2011 10:32AM

    And you know thats also helping Kaylee set up good habits too!

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RED_WRITINGHOOD 10/7/2011 10:12AM

    You are definitely worth it!! You have to take that me, me, me time and don't feel bad or guilty about it. We can't make others happy if we are not truly happy ourselves, it just doesn't work!!

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JELLEN726 10/7/2011 10:12AM

    You cannot reach greatness unless you take the me me me time to get there. You are doing a wonderful job and clearly are a great mom for always keeping your kids in your heart and thoughts. You are becoming a better person by taking care of yourself. Sometimes I wish my mom took the time to do that as well. Keep up the great work. emoticon emoticon

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Thursday, October 06, 2011

Last night I had a bit of sleep onset insomnia. I just could NOT fall asleep no matter how hard I tried. I think it was worse the harder I tried. The good thing is I got a lot of sparking done and did the bonus for our team already this week!

My plan was originally to get up at 5 a.m. to go to the gym and run 4 miles. I tell you what, though, getting about 5 hours of sleep (I fell asleep about 12:30-ish) versus about 7 (getting up when Kaylee woke us up at 7:10) was THE decision to make. Sure, I wanted to be able to get up and go, but I have made my sleep a big priority for this last week, and that I know has contributed HUGE to my attitude.

SO, when my alarm went off, I shut it off and went back to sleep. I haven't taken a day off a the gym for a week, so today becomes my day off! No big deal. I weighed in, and it was about the same as yesterday, which I am really happy about. I know it would be down 1-2 pounds if I went on that 4-mile run (yeah, I sweat a lot). I have a daily to-do list that also has what I should be weighing that day to be on track to be at 160 around the first week of November. Today I needed to be at 171.5, and my weight this morning is 171.8. Too happy about that. Just about a week ago I saw 177.8, so I am just thrilled. I am not thinking about dropping a ton of weight, just keeping on track and seeing what the results are. If I am not 160 by the first of November, that is fine as long as I know that I did the work, and didn't go off track.

The days this month that can hurt me food-wise: October 27/28, when I will be in the Twin Cities shopping with my DH. We already made plans to eat as healthy as we can while we are there, sticking to healthy options at places like Subway, and yes eating at McDonald's most likely but watching portion control (having a cheeseburger and a small fry).

The other day that I am actually more worried about would be Halloween. This is the first year that Kaylee will be REALLY trick-or-treating (she went to a few houses last year, but not much). She will be having a lot of candy, and we will put aside the stuff she can have here and there over the next while, but yeah, that's gonna be a lot of candy! I'll have to put a plan in place that night, too. Mommy loves chocolate.

I had a fun day yesterday. Kaylee and I me up with ALYSSA4OLIVIA for a playdate at the new park that was built a couple of weeks ago (some kids burned down the other one, it is made mostly of wood). It is pretty awesome!!! I loved catching up a bit with Alyssa, and hope to do this more often :o}

In non-related news, I found out from my brother yesterday that my mom had a relapse that she did not tell me about. About a month and a half ago, she told me about her addiction and stopped. I am in the support group for this, and wanted her to go. She had some excuses, but finally I just let her know I couldn't make her go. I am pretty upset about this. The reason I found out is because she is putting herself in a situation this weekend that will pretty much set her up to relapse, I brought those concerns to my brother, and he said that she already had done it 1-2 weeks ago. Funny, because I asked how she was doing after that had happened and she said great and how she wasn't having many cravings anymore. It's one thing to do it, but another thing to lie to me. Once you admit to having an addiction, you don't go back to lying about it. You just don't. I am supposed to go with to a visitation tonight, and I just don't know if I have it in me. It's not the time to bring things up, but I don't think I can just sit there on a 30-minute drive to this place and NOT say anything. *sigh* Honestly, for my mental health? I may need to just stay home with my husband and little girl :o} (She has other family going with her also to the visitation, so she wouldn't be alone without me).

I do know what I need to do about this situation myself, but I can't change her, and I can't control her actions. I can only let her know that if she runs into trouble, she can talk to me about it at any time. But, I will NOT enable her. I love her too much to do that.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

EYES_ON_THEPRAZ 10/6/2011 4:32PM

    Great job on your weigh-in.
Sorry to hear about your mom - maybe she will decide to join you finally, but you're right that it has to be her choice.

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BETTERJULIA 10/6/2011 2:30PM

    That is so hard with your mom - I'm not clear if her addiction is the same as yours or something else but my dad is an alcoholic and its crazy the lengths he goes to NOT to admit he has a problem...It is hard to balance that with wanting a relationship but not wanting that addiction but we've been doing it. Keep up your great work - you're doing great!

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    I woke up at 12:30 and had trouble getting back to sleep! I hate insomnia! I used to go to Alanon because of my Dad and brother. Good for you not enabling your Mom! That is the best for her!

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MICHSTATE 10/6/2011 9:20AM

    I couldn't fall asleep either!!!! I am sitting here looking at SP on my phone, struggling to stay awake!!!!

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-POOKIE- 10/6/2011 8:41AM

    I struggled to sleep last night, I woke at 1am and just couldnt get back to sleep at all.

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Sun as therapy?

Wednesday, October 05, 2011

It is going to be 90 degrees today. I just got back from a nice walk with my dog and it is about 80. The sun is SO beautiful and warm today, with a nice wind to make it milder. Even though I was already in a pretty good mood today overall (with my weight this morning being 171, yay!!!), it brightened me up even more and just energized me.

I have really hit my stride, and my cravings for fast food and junky food in general is going away. I know I have a long way to go, but the hardest part (starting) is over. I just need to keep remembering how hard it is to get back up after I fall. I know that I always DO get up, but it is just SO much easier to stay on track. I am on my 5th day of fully tracking everything, and I have been taking time each night to plan and track my meals and snacks for the next day (so I won't be caught not knowing what to eat). I got up this morning and made it to the gym and had a fantastic workout. I went out for a 2.5-mile run yesterday with the running group and met a new person, who is planning on running the half marathon in May in Fargo. I probably won't be running with her, but I do plan to meet up with her for sure!

I have been mapping out my training, and that is an exhilarating feeling. I am taking it long and slow this time, not adding too many miles onto my long run each week, just taking it in increments every other week. I also will be running no more than 4 miles a pop during the week (most likely a 3-mile run and a 4-mile run during the week) and then do my crosstraining (either spinning or elliptical) plus work hard on ST. I will NOT burn myself out. I will be smart. And I WILL accomplish what I set out to do.

Oh, and my good habits have been rubbing off again on DH. The last 2 days he's asked me to make a bag lunch for him so he doesn't eat the school food :o} It warms my heart!

And, I am looking at signing up for the Warrior Dash next June, and actually being able to go (this year my little girl was too sick). I think the spots fill up fast, though!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

-POOKIE- 10/6/2011 8:45AM

    *smiles* I love Autumn sunshiney days, today is wonderful!

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RLHOTAN 10/5/2011 8:53PM

    That is so great! Happy to hear you are back on track!!!

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KAREN_NY 10/5/2011 4:56PM

    Oh, I miss the sun!!!!!!

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HOPEFULSWEIGH 10/5/2011 3:16PM

    The sun does wonders for me as well :)

Great job! I too am in my second week of tracking again. We are in control!!! Let's do this!!

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    Oh, that's GREAT about your husband! I keep telling mine that by him coming with me to "keep me company" that just might be saving his life! emoticon

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MNGIRLIE 10/5/2011 1:41PM

    A little sun definitely goes a long way!! I signed up for the WD a few weeks ago and I'm totally excited for it!

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EYES_ON_THEPRAZ 10/5/2011 1:38PM

    sounds like a beautiful day. it is 65 degrees and raining here - I live in LA! emoticon

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KAKEPO 10/5/2011 1:20PM

    I love the sun and there is something renewing about basking in it's rays and soaking up the goodness! I'm right there with you on "starting again". I'm 3 weeks in of recording everything and I've lost 5 pounds. And like you say I just have to remember to stay on track! Thanks for the inspiration! emoticon emoticon

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GOCELTICSGO 10/5/2011 12:50PM

    Love to lay out in the sun!

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Weekend thwarted...and rewards

Tuesday, October 04, 2011

This weekend was supposed to be a girls weekend up in the Lake of the Woods in a luxury cabin. I was worried about eating bad while there since my mom had been talking about apple crisp, apple pies, bars, etc.

A distant relative, however, passed away suddenly on Sunday, and his funeral was set for Friday. My mom wants to go (she was closer to him), so the cabin trip was canceled.

A part of me is sad that I didn't continue training, because I am available now to run that half marathon in Fargo on Saturday, but I know that it's best for me to take a pass on it. I am putting together other plans for this weekend with my little girl :o}

I have been watching weight loss shows on Hulu Plus including "I Used to Be Fat" and "Extreme Makeover". Seeing their struggles and their really resonates with me, and I have been watching them at times where I am wanting to munch mindlessly on food.

One of the main things that sticks out on one of the shows is a reward for reaching a weight goal. So, I have my goal that once I get back to 160 pounds I will be able to make the surgical consultation to have my excess skin removed from my stomach/flank area (abdominoplasty), just to find out what it will take, how much it will cost, the recovery time, etc. This is a big deal for me. I am not taking this lightly at all, and I know that it will be hard, painful, and there will be scars, and I know the outcome will not be perfect, but I just can't stand this area on my body...nothing fits me right because of it. IF I go through the surgery, it will be the day or two after Christmas.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

-POOKIE- 10/5/2011 8:33AM

    Im really pleased with my arm and breast surgery.

If you want to chat about anything in private, feel free to send me a line.

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MELLABELLAS 10/5/2011 3:58AM

    Hey sorry about the passing of your distant relative, and not going to the Lake. I agree spend some time with your baby girl instead, and think about the skin surgery very hard. Make sure this is something you really want. I think you have the right idea about it though. You seem very logical about it

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TJDOESLIFE 10/4/2011 9:47PM

    Awesome Erin! Just awesome! Good for you for taking care of you! That is what this journey is all about! Muah!

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TJDOESLIFE 10/4/2011 9:47PM

    Awesome Erin! Just awesome! Good for you for taking care of you! That is what this journey is all about! Muah!

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    Hey, you could go run 13 miles this weekend without a race bib.

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EYES_ON_THEPRAZ 10/4/2011 3:53PM

    Hope you have a nice weekend anyway!

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    I hope you end up having a wonderful weekend with your little girl! emoticon

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HAPPYSOUL91 10/4/2011 3:17PM

    True it may be all of that but 3 people here at work did it and loved it and highly recommended that anyone get the extra skin taken off.

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NOT_BIG_BONED 10/4/2011 2:57PM

    What a great goal. I am right there with you girlie. I have that same skin and it is a constant reminder of what I did to my body. I hate it! It makes me feel like I will NEVER be happy with my body because of it. Those show totally hook me in and ALWAYS make me cry because they hit so close to home. I look forward to hearing how your consultation goes and what you decide.

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October Goals and a couple of long-term goals

Monday, October 03, 2011

This will be a quickie since I am working, but I have been thinking about these goals. I didn't make any goals for August or September really, and I have to say that although I don't always accomplish them, I love to strive for them.

For October, I would like to finish out this month between 160-163 (today I am at 173). Yes, it will be tough, but I want to give it my all :o}

I want to work out smarter, and start training for speed AND distance. I started yesterday by running for just 7 minutes, but 1 of those minutes I ran at 7.5 mph. I want to add a half minute at that speed for every shorter run. I am not thinking of a faster time for longer races, but a faster 5K time. My fastest 5K was 29:15 and I did not PR this summer. That will change next summer for sure. I ultimately want to get to the 25 minute mark. That will NOT be easy, but I know it CAN be done.

My other goal is to take a personal inventory of myself at the beginning and end of each day. At the beginning, I will take time to put myself in the right frame of mind, with a positive attitude, and make a list of my goals for the day. At the end of the day I will go over what I did, what I could improve on, and go to bed with a positive attitude. I know this will make a difference.


Well, I love to run, so it's time that I start training for some races I would love to run. These will be:
1. Frozen Feat 10K in February. This will be a toughie as I foresee myself having surgery the end of December. I may not be able to race this if the doctor doesn't clear me, but we will see.
2. Fargo Half Marathon in May 2012. I plan on doing the Go Far Challenge that I was going to do this year, which is running the 5K on Friday, and then running the half marathon on Saturday. May have to see if RDARLING is planning on this again :o}
3. Twin Cities Marathon in October 2012. It's time I bring this goal back out on the shelf after some dusting. I know that I probably will not run more than 1 marathon, but it IS a goal I want to achieve at least once. This is the perfect marathon to train for as it is in the fall and I won't have to do train those super long distances on the treadmill for the most part. I am also excited about hopefully running this with a fellow sparker, Tamie Jo (and I am praying I didn't spell that wrong).

My goal PR on the 5K for within the year honestly will be sub-29 minutes, and then I will go from there. I would like to get under my 10K PR (under 58 minutes), and for my half? Under 2:15 minutes. The marathon? Well, gee, since I don't HAVE a PR for that, I will be content with finishing :o}

This is all of course if I do not get injured which I am going to make sure doesn't happen unless I can't help it!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KAKEPO 10/4/2011 9:37AM

    Whether we achieve all of our goals or not - it's good to have them so we have something to work towards! You can do it!

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PSYCHBAMA 10/3/2011 4:37PM

    Great goals!!! And I LOVE the idea of doing a personal inventory at the beginning and end of each day. I am going to put that one to use to keep things in perspective. Let's ROCK OCTOBER!!!!

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EYES_ON_THEPRAZ 10/3/2011 2:28PM

    I love setting goals - I think they help and even if we don't quite meet them, it means we haven't gotten too far off track. Your goals are great!

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TJDOESLIFE 10/3/2011 1:24PM

    Yeah Erin!!!!!!! I love these goals! I love how honest you are and how focused you are now.


And....I am "officially, unofficially" running the Twin Cities, and hopefully with you (if I can keep up with you, that is....)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am going to train my heart out all winter, spring and summer in hopes of running it! Let's do this!

All my love and support to you (and to me...hehe!!!)!!!!
P.S. You totally spelled my name right!! Muah!

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RDARLING 10/3/2011 1:09PM

    Great goals! I will think about the Go Far Challenge- I am pretty on the fence now but will most likely change my mind as it gets closer!
Are you running in the mini marathon events this weekend? I will be out of town.

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LOSING107 10/3/2011 12:09PM

    Glad to see you back in action! Hope all goes will with the surgery, and that you meet the sub-29 minutes goal!

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ARGYLE-RUNNER 10/3/2011 11:36AM

    emoticon so inspiring - I am getting ready to run my first every 5K the middle of this month - and part of my new page that I'm going to be updating shortly has running at the focus - I loved reading your goals, especially the long term ones

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MICHSTATE 10/3/2011 11:25AM

    Those are great goals!!!! I agree with most of them!!!! I would like to get my 5K time below 26, my current PR is 26:35.
I do have to disagree about the perfect time of year to run a marathon, I HATE to run in high humidity, so I prefer to run in the winter... The colder the better!!!!! I am going to do a marathon in May, the same weekend as my first ever marathon this year!!!

I look forward to hearing about your progress!!!!!:-)

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    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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