Sunday, October 02, 2011
That is the saying that is on one of my Bondi Bands I wear while running some races (they wick away sweat on your forehead).
I was on a nice long walk with my daughter this morning and was just looking at the beautiful fall foliage along the way, not really thinking about anything, when this saying popped in my head. I thought about what it really meant to me. Yes, it's funny, a bit of a joke, but last summer/fall when I was training for my half marathon, the training really afforded me to eat more than normal to lose weight since I was burning so many calories with those runs. I had some runs where I burned 1600 calories for crying out loud!
And that was fine during that period of time because I was seriously training hard. But then the half marathon was over. No biggie, because then I started training for the full marathon in May. Yeah, until I injured myself by tearing my hip flexor in early March. But I didn't stop the eating. I stopped training completely. I didn't pick up on the fact that just because I couldn't run didn't mean I couldn't do other things, like walk (albeit slower) and doing ST. I completely stopped working out really for almost a month.
This summer was the toughest for me to maintain my weight, and that was because I didn't stop eating as though I was training for something. And I wasn't training for anything!
Sure, I lost that last 10 pounds because I trained hard. But I can lose this weight again by taking it easy, and making sure I eat the proper foods, and the proper amount of it. I don't need to work out 2 hours a day. Sure, if I feel like I really want to and have the time set aside, I will, but I won't pressure myself. As long as I walk at least 30 minutes and work out 30 minutes otherwise, I will be happy with that.
On another happy note, I am down another 4 ounces this morning. Yeah, that's small, but that's in a day, and I know that I shouldn't weigh myself every morning, but I need that accountability right now. I need to know where I stand and what causes fluctuations (like I know I would have been down a little bit more if I didn't have chili for dinner).
I am super pumped, and haven't had a frown on my face for a few days now and that is a win for me! I do have a huge test of my determination this coming up Friday and Saturday as it is girls weekend up in the Lake of the Woods (my mom, daughter, me, my grandma, and 2 of my aunts). This means a lot of baked goods...I plan on having a nice long leisurely run on Saturday morning as I had previously been training to run the half marathon race that I had run a year ago. I'll plan ahead to make sure there are plenty of healthy options and keep in mind that what I eat in private will show up in public, and that just because it is there, does nto mean I need to eat it. And if offends anyone that I am eating healthy, so what. This journey is mine, and I need to put me and my health first.
I guess the point of this blog is....I need to eat for the fuel, and not make food the priority in my life. There is so much more to enjoy!!!!
Saturday, October 01, 2011
Here's the lowdown on what I think has happened that led me to a 2-3 week long "binge" that had my weight going from 162 to 175.
I hit my Weight Watchers "goal" weight around January/February-ish (I can't remember right now and I will have to look it up for sure later) of 160 pounds. 101 pounds lost (a total of 126 pounds lost as I had lost 25 before joining up with WW). Now, I had the freedom of maintaining or losing more weight. It was a new realm for me. All of a sudden I was "done" if I wanted to be. And I did a great job of maintaining my weight until 1 month ago.
But, when I look at my changes over those months, I realize that I started letting things go. I stopped really putting my health first. I stopped making ME a priority. I started letting people talk me into eating things, into skipping running/working out.
But most of all, I rationalized it. I excused myself each and every time. I stopped looking at myself in the mirror and seeing what I was SUPPOSED to be seeing, instead thinking that everything was still status quo.
I started letting myself have dinners out. Which would have been fine, if I made the right choices, but I never did. Never. I always got what I wanted to get. And I would justify it.
I would then start what ended up being a bad, bad rollercoaster effect. I would weigh in at WW (lifetimers only have to weigh in once at the beginning of the month) and then I would still eat good and work out, but then I would start doing the opposite and pigging out and being lazy, so then my weight would fluctuate, and I would then spend 7-10 days eating 1200 calories and being at the gym for 2 hours a day every day to get back down to my "fighting weight" for WW. Not a good spiral effect at all, and my poor, poor body....
It was all creeping up on me, and then I stopped being active on SP. I would come here every day and do the minimum, maybe some tracking, weighing in, spin the wheel, but that was it. And it showed. No WW, No SP....Really not good for me. Finally, what what seemed to be no warning, I went off track completely. Sure, I still went to the gym, but I did a fraction there of what I normally do. I would go for a half hour at a time, an hour at the most. And I wouldn't be giving it my all. ST became nonexistent.
And I started eating all day. As in, I would have meals/snacks every hour. This included trips to McDonald's for lunch in which I would have a double cheeseburger, a McChicken, and a large fry. Or I would go through the Subway drive thru and get a footlong sub plus 3 cookies. Or, I would go to a local pizza joint and grab a $5 large pepperoni pizza.
And I ate it all.
I had DQ, I had BK. I had PB&J sandwiches. Bowls of cereal.
This was the kind of behavior I had that ended with me being pregnant and over 300 pounds.
And I couldn't tell anyone about it. I was hiding the evidence. I would lie by omission to my husband about what I had to eat. I lied about my weight. I knew what I weighed. I was stepping on that scale every day. I would promise that I would start fresh. That I would do good this day. And I would, until lunch. Maybe even until dinner.
And I finally stopped. I finally told my husband everything. I stepped on the scale, it said 177.8 pounds, and I cried. Because this became my new rock bottom. I finally cracked.
I have been on track now for 3 days (if you include today) and I am back down to 172.6 without going crazy (I went to the gym for 40 minutes yesterday, and I have been eating 1300-1500 calories). I went to WW this morning, and stepped on the scale, looked them in the eye, and said I am back. That I know what I need to do, and I told them I would come to every Tuesday's meeting and weigh in, even though I don't have to. But I do, I have to for myself.
Do I feel like a failure? I did, 2 days ago. Today, I feel a new beginning. And that is why I am resetting my tracker. My new start weight is 172.6 pounds, and I am proud to be here, to be a sparker, and to have such wonderful friends and support on here.
My plan for today? To be mindful of what I am eating, to go to the gym after my daughter gets up from her nap, and to be happy.
Friday, September 09, 2011
I hurt inside, and I feel like I can't talk about it, so instead I will "talk" about it here.
We aren't going to have more kids. Just our little one. I thought I was on board with that, but when we talked about it, and we talked about our future, the reality is we're done.
No, HE is done. And it's tearing me apart inside, because I know that it would be selfish of me to push on this, because it would change our life so much, it would be so stressful, and hard, and it could be too much for us to deal with.
But it hurts. Knowing that this decision means that I am done, my body will never have that experience again. I will never hold a baby of mine in my arms again. I know I will hold A baby in my arms again (if my sister or brother, or HIS brother have children...etc)....it's not the same.
I know that this will pass. I am emotional. My biological clock is ringing loud and clear. And he doesn't understand.
So yesterday, during this internal crisis, which I just couldn't deal with because it seemed just so illogical for me to feel this way...I had a day where I just ate my emotions away. I shut down. And ate, and ate. And of course he had thrown a damned half gallon of rocky road ice cream in the cart the evening before. The evening before, when he shut down all hope about having another child. A sibling for our little girl.
I know, I deep down KNOW that we can't have another, we shouldn't have another, and that our life is great the way it is, with our happy, healthy little girl.
I wish I could feel happy right now. I love being happy. Okay. I do feel a bit better now that I have written it out.
Thursday, September 08, 2011
At my gym last year, they had a "game" called Fall Fitness. You were on a team (much like the team challenges on here) and you got points for the team for various things such as a point for being at the gym each day, bonus points for going to the kickoff party, the tailgating party (the game is centered around football). I had so much fun with this last year and I believe the team I was on last year was in 3rd place (the seniors got first place). It's time to kick butt for my team!!!
I had a streak going with my money in the kitty, but I cashed in $30 for a new reservoir for my Camelbak, and then yesterday I went over on my calories (pretty much planned and no guilt to be had). I tracked everything as I could, since we had Mexican food at a local restaurant and it was harder to track what I ate (I shared a combo platter with my DH, which included so many sinful things, like fajita fries, which are fries covered in cheese and bacon and dipped in ranch, mozzarella sticks, jalapeno poppers, con queso, and of course chips and hot sauce). I had a good amount of it, but had my DH eat most of the poppers and cheese sticks. I mainly had con queso and hot sauce with chips. I then had Edy's Slow Churned reduced fat Rocky Road ice cream. MMMMMMMMM. So worth it. It was kind of a treat/cheat day, and now I am back to earning my money, because after I ran 13 miles on Tuesday, I ordered a new pair of shoes (my toenail is thanking me). Those cost $130, so that's my new goal.
Since I am pretty near my goal weight, DH and I are taking my weight out of the equation for the making money and keeping the streak, as long as I don't go over 164 pounds (yesterday morning I was 163.2). The main focal points are working out, walking the dog, getting my fiber, drinking my water (which is the Periwinkles challenge this week so that is great), eating in my calorie range (under 1550 basically).
I went to the gym this morning and put in 19 miles during spin class. It felt great, though my towel smelled like propane so I barely used it. One of my friends is doing planks and pushups every day, so I'll try that out, too.
Okay, my little girl is grabbing my hand, so I better go!
Saturday, September 03, 2011
I recently read a blog about remembering where you come from. Although that can apply to so many things in my life, there is nothing like a before and after (or during) picture. Sometimes, okay a lot of the time, I forget about how I looked, how I felt, how differently I ate, the fact that I went from being the epitome of a couch potato to an athlete (a RUNNER, for crying out loud)...and I take what I have now for granted, or get dissatisfied with petty things (mainly my stomach, muffin top, saggy boobs....vanity).
Although I do really really want to lose another 20 pounds, I have to look at the fact that I have essentially maintained my weight loss for almost a full year now. Sure, I had gone up a few pounds here and there, but I have always lost it, and am now in the process of breaking that 160-pound mark and working towards the 140s.
I just need to realize, and accept, that I am beautiful, inside and out. I need to build up that self-esteem to a healthy level, a balanced level, because on some days, I feel fat/ugly or that I could be doing so much more, lose so much more, be so much more. Then, on the other days, it is the other side of the spectrum where my ego BLASTS through the atmosphere and I feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. I need to be more leveled in my thinking.
So, the pictures, before and after (though the after pictures were taken the end of March, I am at the same weight):
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