Identity Crisis AKA I need to start doing things for myself plus maybe some venting.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Last week I was sick with a head cold, and I let myself slow down a bit. Not detrimental, but it seems when I slow down even a bit, I get derailed.

I finally weighed in at WW. I was over by 0.4 pounds. I was told it was okay, as long as I was working on it. I still felt....like I failed.

Sunday, I was having an internal conflict about a family member. They have a problem that is obviously (to everyone but her) becoming an addiction. And it is one that I have recovered from. I didn't know what to do, what to say, because it is such a fine line. I talked to members of the group in this particular addiction, and they agreed that I can drop hints, but really to blatantly talk about it at this point would most likely scare her away.

Monday, I went to my first kickball game. Excited, happy, and then before the first game starts, this family member calls me up.....bawling, saying she has a problem and she needs my help, and would it be okay to stop by later on? I said of course.

My sister got engaged, too, this weekend. To a guy she has known/dated for 1 month. They both are coming out of 5+ year relationships. I want to be happy for her, and a big part of me is, but I am now her matron of honor, and though I am excited to help her with this huge event in her life, I am scared that something will happen between now and June 16, 2012 (her wedding...the day before her birthday), and all of the work, money, and planning will be out the window. I do know that their relationship is just that...THEIRS, and I have no business feeling this way, but this is my baby sister, and I am just scared that it is moving too fast. He seems like a great guy, very handy, but my sister mentioned he has a temper (though she also said that he would *never* direct it at her). All I can think is...how does she know??? She has only known him 1 month. *sigh* But I can't control this. I can only be happy for her, and do what I can to make her and him happy with this wedding.

Ummm..so, Monday night. This family member, who is about the nearest and dearest to me that any family member can possibly get, didn't show up at 9 p.m. like she said she was going to. I figured she was still busy talking to her husband about her problem. She called me at 9:40 and said she had fallen asleep, and could she instead come over Tuesday night? I said sure, not a problem, no worries.

P.S. On Monday? I ate like s**t. I am not going to possibly even sugarcoat it. I skipped my long run on Saturday because I was putting together a garage sale on my own and I figured I needed the sleep. I of course didn't go to the gym on Sunday. I figured kickball was enough for Monday, and then Tuesday turned into a binge fest as I internalized the he*lfire that was going on emotionally in me. I skipped WW, and I skipped the run. I also skipped work. My stomach hurt with everything going on in me that I couldn't put words to, and so I felt it best to take a "mental health" day.

That mental health day turned out to be what I did NOT need. My family member came over and told me about her problem and everything. And then proceeded to tell me things about myself growing up that started giving some life to the lightbulbs laying dormant in my head.

About how I was basically helping raise my brother and sister at the age of 5.

About how I had more responsibility than I should have.

About how that ended up translating into HAVING to excel at everything I did, or I would quit.

How I had to be the best speller in my class.

I had to be the FIRST flute, not second.

I was angry when I had such a strongly smart and competitive class at school and about half of my class received the Presidential Excellence Award and I felt that the award was useless because so many of us received it. It didn't matter that I had also received one.

Flash forward to now. I have to do more, be more, have more, want more...NEED more. It's like I can't be happy being average, being just normal, being just me. I need to be excellent, amazing, inspirational, motivational, and I want to be known for it, praised for it...I crave the feelings I get when someone says something nice to or about me. What does this say about me?

Who the heck am I? What am I? I am sitting here crying my eyes out as I type this because I just don't know who I am. What am I doing? And why am I doing it? To make me happy? Or to make others happy or to have them want to BE me?

Is my self-esteem really so grounded and based on what others think of me? Of what they see when they look at me? Am I really that self-absorbed, vain, and vapid?

Do I value myself too much? Or not at all? I just can't get a handle on it.

I have been overwhelmed this last week. I took on too much, and was getting no sleep. I had to let go of something. So, I stopped blogging and sparking for a week, and that got me NOWHERE. I felt horrible about it. I am not sure about blogging, but I know I will be here more often. I don't really know how to put myself first.

I had a migraine yesterday hit mid-way through the day, and I know it's from the stress, the eating, the NOT working out.

I emailed my boss at WW this morning, and let her know to stop my training. I just can't handle the workload of working my job (plus overtime) plus 8+ hours/week there...and still make time for working out, being with my family, kickball, WW (going to the meetings and weighing in), the running group, cleaning the house, making the meals, being in charge of mowing the lawn, walking the dog twice a day. I just feel like I can't breathe.

God, look at all this rambling.

There is a light at the end of this tunnel, though. I am going to the Cities this weekend with my little girl, my mom, and my brother and we are going to the Renaissance Festival, and the Mall of America. I am hoping to just relax and have a good time and just enjoy my family and the time we have together and not worry about running 11 miles, or if I had an extra freaking treat.

Maybe I just need to back off from training, from being a "hopeful" marathoner, from thinking about triathlons, from my quest to get as perfect a body as I can, from thinking about plastic surgery, from the scale, and just concentrate on being happy, healthy, and maybe just being a mom, a wife, a daughter, a friend, a person, and not objectify myself and place my worth on every little achievement I have. I am not perfect. But I am not worthless either.

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Word of the Day: Goals

Monday, August 08, 2011

Today started out with me going to the gym, yet again. My throat was feeling better, so I was going to give it a shot. I went through the class, and I think the teacher kicked our butt because it wasn't only me gasping for air, but I also felt my energy draining, rather than feeling re-energized. So, instead of hopping onto the elliptical for an extra half hour or so, I headed home and hoped that Kaylee would sleep in so I could get a “cat nap.”

On the way home, about 2 blocks away from my house, a little red squirrel ran in front of me. I really didn't have any time to react, so I prayed the little one would be able to avoid my tires. It didn't. And in my rearview mirror I saw the poor thing was hurt but not dead. I felt so horrible...I went back later in the morning to see whatever happened, and the poor thing had died. Ugh, that just brings me down so quick because then I think of its little family, and did he have a sister? A little baby? A mommy? I know that is...a bit much, but I just hate that I caused this, even by my decision to leave home early to rest.

My day went not too bad. I had to catch myself a few times as I was slipping into a cranky mood. Then, in the early afternoon my sinuses started getting super congested. Ick. I took Sudafed right away and that kind of made things better except I had a lot of sneezing that resulted in a lot of goo. I hate that...I hope this cold doesn't get worse. I take supplements. The only thing is I have been lacking a bit of sleep lately this last week. It is like I don't have enough hours in the day to get everything done. With the garage sale coming up this weekend plus online training that I have yet to complete for Weight Watchers,...I don't foresee more sleep happening. I'll have to do something to make it happen though. I sure know how important sleep is!!!

I do feel I need to up my calorie intake. I have been staying around 1200 because I need to shed about 1-2 more pounds before my weigh in by Wednesday, but after that I really need to get up. I am feeling more hungry, and I have cravings creep up on me. I will really have to keep myself in check once I weigh in so I don't go crazy with food. I am not too worried, though. I have put in so much work this last few weeks that I will not let myself ruin that.

My plan on Tuesday is to get at least one 3-mile run in, maybe two of them, and a solid hour on the elliptical. I am going to Weight Watchers, and I am hoping to weigh in at this one instead of Wednesday so I can just get it over with. Hmmm..onto my word of the day :o}



Goals

People with goals succeed because they know where they're going ~ Earl Nightingale



When I first started my health journey in around July/August 2009, my goal was simply to lose the baby weight. I had reached 306 pounds during the pregnancy, and had been 240 right before I got pregnant. So, first goal = Reach 240 pounds again. It took me not that long actually, and I was at 240 the first week in December 2009. My next big goal was to get under 200...to hit Onederland :o} I hit that goal on May 4, 2010. Weight goals after that? Just every 10 pounds was a big milestone for me, so I hit 190 on June 1, 2010, 180 on July 6, 2010, 170 on August 17, 2010, and finally my goal weight at the time of 160 on October 26, 2010. I look forward to my next goal weight of 150.

Weight goals have been important to me in my journey, but they were not the only important goals. My fitness goals were every bit as important, if not more so! When I first started, my goal was to complete 1 mile of walking, using Leslie Sansone's Walking Away the Pounds. I then worked up to 2 miles, then 3 miles, then 4, and finally 5 miles. Unfortunately, I can only do a DVD so often before I just can't stand it anymore (this was true of Jillian Michael's 30-Day Shred and the Biggest Loser bootcamp, also. And their cardio DVD.

So, I started going to the gym in January 2010. I finally gathered up my courage and made it my goal to go to the gym at 5:30 in the morning 1-2 days a week to start out with, and then 3 days, then 4 days, and then ultimately up to 5 days. I had to get over my fear of being the fat girl at the gym. That fear was banished after the first day. The morning gym-goers are such a great bunch of people to be around. I first stuck with the treadmill, then moved to the elliptical, next moving onto the spinning class...I tried various other classes, like the aerobics/step classes, Zumba, etc, but those hurt my feet and my podiatrist steered me away from them.

Around the time I joined the gym, my best friend and I decided to make a goal of running my very first 5K in Fargo on May 26th-ish. I registered right away so I wouldn't back out. I had such a fear of hurting my foot and getting plantar fasciitis from running that I didn't run at all until I did a practice 5K run with my friend. I about died. I ran as much as I could, and walked when I couldn't breathe anymore. After that run with her, I thought that my 5K in Fargo was doomed from the start. But, I would give it my all. On that day, I ran the entire thing, and finished around 36:49, and get this...my feet did NOT hurt. I was hooked on running from that point. Not too long after, I ran another 5K, which I had finished around 31:00, then the next around 30:00. I started training for a 10K that August, which I ended up not being able to run because of an injury.

But, I had already put in place the training for my next goal, which was to run my first half marathon before I turned 30. I registered for the Fargo Mini Marathon on October 9, 2010. I diligently trained for that race, running 4-5 days a week, which I later found to be overkill for me. I trained SO hard, but it was worth it, as I finished my first half marathon with a time of 2 hours 17 minutes. But, I burned myself out on running at that time and took 2 months off nearly from running.

So...I had plenty of other goals, but even though I made a lot of them, I didn't succeed in all of them. Am I a failure then? No, not at all. I know I will not accomplish every single thing I set out to do, but I just need to keep making goals because without goals, I lose motivation.

My future goals?
~ Reach 155 pounds
~150 pounds
~145 pounds
~140 pounds as my super ultimate goal, unless I really feel good at one of the above weights.
~Run at least 1 half marathon a year, if not two (one in spring, one in fall).
~Run a full marathon next fall (October 2012) in the Twin Cities (easier to train for than the Fargo Marathon that occurs in the spring).
~Participate in my first duathlon in June 2012 (Dewey Duathlon in my hometown)
~Participate in my first sprint triathlon in June 2012 (Buffalo, MN with at least 2-3 people I know)
~Participate in an Olympic triathlon
~Participate in a Warrior Dash
~Participate in a Tough Mudder
~Pay off most of our bills
~Go back to school to be an RN, then go back again to become a CRNA (nurse anesthetist) rather than a pharmacist (too unrealistic to travel over an hour away for 3 years of schooling).
~Too many other goals to write down at one time

I know that it will take a lot of time, commitment, and focus to achieve all of these goals, and I also know that some of these goals may not ever be accomplished, but at least I have them. They have been written down. These goals to me are realistic because I have seen what I can accomplish when I set my mind, body, and soul to it. Why can't I do these? And I will be loving every other second of it ;o}

What are some of your goals??



Map out your future, but do it in pencil ~ Jon Bon Jovi

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www.inspirationalspark.com

www.sparkpeople.com

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Word of the Day: Fear

Sunday, August 07, 2011

I took today as a rest day, which was a good thing as I woke up with a throat feeling like it was being shredded by glass. Yeah, a bit of an overstatement, but it really wasn't feeling great, and either was I. Could it have been that 9-mile run in the rain? Or just my snot-nosed little girl sharing something besides her dirt and rocks with me? Never mind, what matters is me resting.

Because the garage sale we are having is this Friday/Saturday, I spent a couple of hours going through my office and my little girl's room and pricing those items. Sure, I have about 4-5 areas to go through still, but the biggest area are now done. Naptime SUCKED, and of course it had to be when I wasn't feeling good. First of all, my little girl talked to herself for about an hour, then cried for about 20 minutes before finally falling asleep. All this time, my throat is BURNING, and then I started having trouble breathing. I don't know what that was all about, but I couldn't take in a decent breath. I think I slept for 20 minutes...

My eating was pretty good, considering I didn't track any of it until about 15 minutes ago. I kind of just went by how I was feeling hunger-wise, and staying away from sodium and sharp food (so I didn't eat much of the toast that I had made for breakfast along with scrambled eggs and turkey bacon, which I only had a slice of before shunning the other slice...too sharp). I made my DD and DH a hot dog in a toasted bun with french fries and grapes for lunch, while I just had grapes and then ate the other half of my little girl's bun (she didn't want it). Supper was Lemon Pepper chicken breasts with a Lipton Rice Side (Chicken Broccoli). I was feeling kind of nauseated from the Target brand Metamucil I had drank down with water just before (Yeah, that stuff is SOOOO not cool). I am not getting in enough fiber, so I thought it best to try to supplement until I can get my fiber intake higher.

I ended up mowing the lawn last minute tonight because I realized that we are getting another rainy day tomorrow, and with the fertilizing my dog does day in and day out in my backyard, I couldn't put it off. Fun! But, it's done. I still have the front yard to do, but that can wait as it grows slower.

So, all in all, my day wasn't bad. It could've been better (I had the shortness of breath again when I was walking my daughter to and from the park...it was like I felt deconditioned, as if I had never exercised in my life....it felt horrible), but I did have a happy day otherwise!!!


Fear....

Fear defeats more people than any other one thing in the world. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson



I have had so many things to fear in my life. One of my fears that has truly impacted my life, though, is my fear of failure.

My fear of failure nearly caused me to never start my journey of health. It seemed everything in the past that I had started, I would fail, or quit before I could fail...if that makes sense. When I would quit smoking, and then start back up a week later, it would take me about a year before I would try to quit smoking again. Same went for dieting and exercising. I would try jogging for about 10 seconds, quit, and then never try again and just go home feeling down and embarrassed. I would eat right until lunch, and then binge until I went to bed, feeling defeated. And if I “failed,” I would NEVER get right back up. I would then go on pretty much a binge-fest until I not only gained back the 4 pounds I lost, but then gain another 20.

I think when I first truly succeeded at something I put my mind to, which was quitting gambling,going through treatment for it...when it was 2-1/2 years later and I still wasn't gambling, that was like a bit of a light bulb going on in my head. I figured...if I could quit this, something that was ruining my life, something that almost cost me my marriage, why can't I work on something else? And around that time, on October 2, 2006, I quit smoking. It wasn't easy. I planned ahead, was put on Wellbutrin (kind of like Zyban), and after a few months on that, I had weaned down to half a pack a day (had previously been smoking 1-2 packs a day) and then quit. I stayed on the medicine for a good 6 months after quitting, just in case. But I never went back.

So, then I looked forward to working on what I felt to be my ultimate fear: Losing weight. Did I say fear? Yes. Because it had been SO long since I felt healthy and happy. At my highest (while not pregnant) at 286, I felt so...wrong. So huge, so unhappy, unhealthy, unEVERYTHING. But, I worked on it, and started succeeding. The whole time, my success was definitely what I put into it. The months where I lost the most weight were the months where I had more happy faces on my calendar than the :o/ faces or :o{ faces. The ones where I lost the least, I had mostly :o{ faces.

Then, in about October 2010, it hit. The unknown. That is one of my scariest fears. The fear of that which I have not experienced before. I had never seen the number on my scale drop below 160. And wouldn't you know, it's been about 160 since then, not because I am at goal weight (which for Weight Watchers, I am). It's because every time I finally work hard enough to get that scale number below 160,....I sabotage myself. I start eating something that is usually a trigger food for me, and then stop tracking for, let's say a week, and not shockingly the number on the scale jumps up to 160 or more again. About a half a month ago, I hit my lowest point ever, jumping back up over to 170 or more. It was like I almost felt more comfortable being away from 160. Then my pants started feeling tighter. My jelly roll that likes to hang around my tummy started getting bigger instead of smaller. I even took a week off from the gym, excusing my crazy work hours.

But I no longer fear the unknown. I say bring it. If I can get over my fear of failure, I can get over this fear, one day at a time.



Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear. ~ Mark Twain

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www.girlmogul.com

www.fashion-thrill.blogspot.com

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Word of the Day: Excuses

Saturday, August 06, 2011

Excuses

He that is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else. ~ Benjamin Franklin

Quick recap of my day yesterday (Friday): Really not too much went on. I woke up at 5, assessed how my body felt, and said it was time for a rest day. I went back to bed and knew I made the right choice. I put in my time at work, went shopping, went for 3 separate 1-mile walks with my family, and had chicken and rice for dinner. Low-key day :o}

Not managing your time and making excuses are two bad habits. Don't put them both together by claiming you “don't have the time.” ~ Bo Bennett

This morning, I woke up again at 5 with the intention of running 9 miles. I rolled over, groaned, turned off my alarm, got up, got ready, then peeked out the window and saw it was raining (groan). I turned back, took my clothes back off, and climbed back into bed. I tossed and turned for about half an hour with a million excuses in my head of why I should not run 9 miles today: It's raining, my weight is up anyway so I can't weigh in at Weight Watchers until Tuesday/Wednesday, I can run tomorrow when it is NOT supposed to be raining, I wanna sleep, etc. etc.

Finally, I told my inner excuse maker that enough was enough. Who cares if it is raining???? Who cares if my weight is up (which is really not indicative of my eating/drinking/working out, so must be a water or...other retention issue)???? And sure, I could run tomorrow, but why not this morning? Why not at least TRY? Besides, what if this was a race? Would I lay in bed and not participate because it is gasp RAINING?? So what if it is dark out. Get up, Erin. Get out there and try.

So, I got up and got ready again and headed outside. The rain felt actually pretty good and it wasn't pouring out enough that it would soak me completely, and I made a game of puddle jumping. My body felt great the whole time, my tummy felt...eh. But that was because I had only had a banana beforehand. I should plan on having shot blocks or something else next long run.

It stopped raining halfway through, and though the north wind blasted me half the time at 20 mph, I actually enjoyed it. It was a challenge :o}

So, now instead of regretting my choice/excuses and lamenting about how I could have finished my long run, I am watching Dora the Explorer with my little girl and icing my calf ;o}

Instead of writing a whole thing about making excuses...I will leave you with the link to the blog that Yoovie wrote a few days ago. I fully agree with EVERYTHING she has written because it is the truth. At least for me. It may be a bit...lazy for me to do this, but honestly I cannot say this better myself. She is amazing!

www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_jo
urnal_individual.asp?blog_id=4404956



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www.spectrumfitness.blogspot.com

www.orangecoastcrossfit.com

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Word of the Day: Determination

Friday, August 05, 2011

Determination

I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed ~ Michael Jordan



Yesterday was a trying day to start out with. I woke up and was mentally exhausted. My body wasn't feeling bad, though, so I pushed myself to get out of bed. It was going to be my “hard and fast” run ~ intervals. The first time I had really put together one. I got on that treadmill, started out for a minute at 4 mph, then 2 minutes at 6 mph, then the intervals started. I bumped it up to 7 mph for 2 minutes, then down to 6 for 2 minutes. Then, up to 8 mph for 2 minutes, and then back to 6 mph for 2 minutes. I did that until I just couldn't anymore. End result? A 5K finished in 27 minutes, and a total of 3.5 miles in 30 minutes. Wow, that was a killer workout! And only 35 minutes...it felt like at LEAST an hour.

Then, I went over to the spin class that was just starting and joined them. I went for 10.5 miles in 30 minutes, then went over to the elliptical machine and went for another 30 minutes. I went home thinking about when I should take a day off.

Anyhoo, my weight this morning dropped down to 163.8, and I can't wait to hit under 162 and weigh in at WW so I can be done with weighing myself all the durned time.

Today at work I came to the conclusion that I really need to start being 100% focused on my job while I am working. I think it's been more like 75% and that costs me money (we get incentive pay for more production). I think while I am working, from now on I will only go on SP during my lunch hour and once at night or in the morning (when I have the most time) to put together my thoughts for a blog.

I am starting to feel a bit stressed out. I have to put together a garage sale in a little over a week, and I have next to nothing done for it. In a little over 3 weeks, I will be heading to Chicago for a 3-day leadership training session for Weight Watchers, and was told I should know most of the program inside and out by then (which I must say I don't because I have been following my tracking with SP since I hit lifetime because up until a few days ago it would cost me to have the online tracking and I like free :o} So, back to that, and to boning up for that. Then, I realized I need to mow the lawn, but I can do that on my lunch hour. Oh, and my boss is really wanting us to put in overtime, and I think I may put in some tonight, tomorrow, and maybe more on Saturday/Sunday. Just a total of 10 hours this time though....I don't want to put in too much and overextend myself again.

Oh yeah...DH suggested TCBY for a treat tonight, which I had plenty of room for, and we got a kids size golden vanilla with mini M&Ms for Kaylee, a small strawberry for DH, and a kids size chocolate froyo for me (no toppings). Perfect! It was such a nice treat, and so nice to walk out knowing I made a good choice, and my belly wasn't mad at me ;o}



My word for today is Determination.

If there is a word that could describe my journey from the beginning in September 2009, it would be determination. There were SO many days where I just wanted to quit. I wanted to not go to the gym, to order a pizza, to just be lazy and give up. But, I would look at my little girl, I would look at my support group at Weight Watchers, I would look to Sparkpeople, to my family and friends, and then to the reflection in the mirror and know that I needed to do the right thing for myself and also to those around me who looked up to me.

That still feels like such a weird concept to me. For 29 years, I never had anyone look up to me (that I know of). I never inspired anyone to do anything. Never motivated. I was never a good role model. I mean, before this journey, I had been a chain-smoking, gambling, overeating morbidly obese person whose dreams and hopes and aspirations were all never realized. Everything I'd start doing, from diets, to trying to quit smoking, to going back to school, were all failures. And when I'd fail at something, it would take me AT LEAST a year to even think about trying again because I was brought down SO low by the failure. And to see the look on people's faces when they'd see my failure (I'm not a person to ever be quiet about anything in my life that I am excited about, so they would know about any aspirations or plans I had)....was soul crushing to me.

For the last week or so, this word has been on the forefront of my mind. Every time I am in spin class, the word on the wall ahead of me that I focus on when pushing myself harder and harder is Determination. Sure, the other words are nice: Focus, Agility, Speed, etc...but determination just sticks with me. Because it has been through the hard work and determination that I have lost 125+ pounds, the hard way, which for me was the right way.

Find your determination, bring it with you, and let it push you because you have what it takes. I believe this with all my heart.



Gold medals aren't really made of gold. They're made of sweat, determination, and a hard-to-find alloy called guts. ~ Dan Gable



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www.adelineongzhenhua.blogspot.com

www.about-personal-growth.com

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